08x17 - Women and Death

[bunniefuu]

Previously on...

Carlos needed to make a change.

I am miserable at work.
I can't do it anymore.

Orson sent the police an anonymous tip.

Got a feeling about this.

Enough of a feeling to go
dig up a construction site?

Mike protected Renee...

He is a good man.

But he paid the price.

Every day on Wisteria Lane,

women face their share of problems...

like a paperboy who's off the mark...

an appliance that's out of whack...

or a report card that's below par.

These everyday problems can seem
like matters of life and death.

I've told your paperboy ten times...

the flower bed sprinklers
go on at : A.M. sharp.

I don't know how you can
call him a repairman

if after he visits,
the thing is not repaired.

And get this, Carlos.
Her math teacher wrote,

"The only thing worse than
her arithmetic is her attitude."

But then something truly
horrible comes along...

- Mike!
- And we rush to hold on to what really matters...

Before it's gone forever.

When a loved one dies,

certain decisions have to be made.

A coffin must be selected.

A headstone must be picked.

Clothes must be chosen.

Preparing a body for burial is
never an easy thing to do...

but unearthing one can be even harder.

Hey! I think we got something.

What do you think?

You look handsome.

What's that under your shirt?

My little tribute to Mike.

He would've loved that.

He was always trying to get me
to go to Indianapolis for a game.

And I was too busy being a big executive,

helping rich people get richer.

That'll be a...

so you can be an underpaid counselor?

I'm never gonna be able to get
you to understand this, am I?

What a difference it would make in my life

if I felt like I was helping people.

You're right. I'm never
gonna understand it,

and I also don't understand why
we have to talk about this today.

Because my best friend is dead,

and he d*ed trying to help people,

so if you ask me, it kind of seems like

the perfect day to talk about it.

This one?

Sure.

Um, shoes?

You pick.

Hi, reverend.

Hello, Julie.

Susan.

I, um, wanted to show you

a... rough draft of
Mike's funeral service.

It's what we discussed...

a standard episcopalian ceremony.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Um, just wanted to see if
you'd like to add anything

to make it a little more personal.

Readings, for example.

Did he have any favorite poems?

Any favorite writers?

Mike really wasn't much of a reader.

That's fine.

Were you planning on saying
something during the service?

Like what, "I wish someone
hadn't m*rder*d my husband"?

Mom...

- He's just trying to help.
- I know. I'm sorry.

I just, uh...

I don't know what I would
say that would be enough.

I don't know how to tell people
what kind of man Mike was...

What kind of father and
husband and friend he was.

I just...

never thought I would
have to sum up his life

before he was... done living it.

It's going to be okay.

Please, reverend,

if there's one thing that
I know for sure at this moment,

is that...

nothing is ever going to be okay again.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How's Susan holding up?

She'll be really glad you came.

I caught the first flight
after you called me.

I'm just, uh...

I'm still in shock.

You know what I keep
thinking about all morning?

Do you remember that time you,
me, Mike, and Susan

rented those cabins by the lake?

Oh, no. The pontoon boat?

Yeah, the pontoon boat
with the broken gas gauge.

And I kept telling everybody,
"Don't worry."

"They'll come looking for us."

And then the sun started to go down.

Who knew Mike was such a great swimmer?

I know. It was half a mile to shore,
at least, in cold water.

He was an amazing guy.

I just can't believe
I'm never gonna see him

walk out of that house again.

I'm sorry.

I've been doing a really good job
keeping it together until now.

I'm so sorry, Lynette.

He really seemed like a good guy.

Yeah. He was a great guy.

Well, we should probably get going.

Hey.

You want to ride with us to the church?

No. I still have to get ready.

So you guys go ahead.

Hey, Bree.

Oh. Please tell me you're not
wearing that to the funeral.

Uh, actually that's why I was coming over.

I'm not going to the funeral,

so could you please tell
Susan how sorry I am?

You have to be there.
The whole neighborhood is going.

Uh, yeah, and they'll all be thinking,

"There's the woman that
Mike was protecting"

"when he b*at up that loan shark."

"She's the reason he's dead."

Renee...

Mike stuck his neck out for me,

and now Susan's a widow,

and a -year-old kid has to
grow up without a father.

Look, I know you feel
awful about what happened,

but today is about honoring Mike.

You do not get to make
this about your guilt.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Because you're right,

and it's annoying.

Come on.

Go get changed,
and I will save you a seat.

Ugh. I really hate today.

Me, too.

Mrs. Van de Kamp?

Can I help you?

I'm detective Heredia, Fairview P.D.

Oh. Uh, if this is about
Mike Delfino's m*rder,

I'd be happy to help, but...

as you can see,
I'm on my way to his funeral.

Actually, we already made
an arrest in that case.

Thank god.

I'm here on an unrelated matter.

It's a missing persons investigation.

Oh?

Yeah, I'd like you to come
down and answer some questions.

Now?

Please.

As she arrived at Mike Delfino's funeral,

Gaby considered what her friend
Susan must be going through.

After all, Mike was
the love of Susan's life,

and that got Gaby thinking

about the love of hers.

So... what do you think?

A lot of things.

Most of them obscene.

I like it, too!

It's royal wedding with
just a hint of slut.

So... how much?

Who cares? You get what you pay for,

and you are getting this.

$ , ? Dios mio.

We didn't even pay
this much for our first house.

Yeah, well, how much
can mud and straw cost?

Ladies.

We are having a nice time.

Let's try and keep it that way.

Now be honest, mama.
Don't you like the dress?

Does it only come in white?

I'm just saying,
she's not fooling anybody.

Well, I think she looks beautiful.

We'll take it.

No.

I will not let you spend money like that.

Uh, could you give us a moment?

Ugh.

What are you doing?

She loves the dress,
and you keep insulting it.

You just don't get it, do you, Carlos?

This is only the beginning.

You give in to her with this dress,
she'll bleed you dry.

Trust me. That woman is a gold digger.

Hit her, Carlos. Hit her.

Mama,

you know I love you,

but if you say one more
critical thing about Gaby,

don't bother coming to our wedding.

Understood?

Well, I guess you've made your choice.

I just hope she realizes how lucky she is.

Mm. No.

I am the lucky one.

I've never met anyone like her,

and when she smiles at me,
you can't put a price on it.

So I don't care if I have to work

hours a day to keep her happy.

I'll do it.

Carlos, sweetie,

you know what would really
make this dress pop is...

Oh.

No, I shouldn't.

Tell me. What?

Well, it's probably too much,

but a pair of diamond earrings?

Then our next stop is a jewelry store.

Mm.

Hey. What are those stains
on the living room rug?

The green is Juanita's puke,
the yellow is Celia's puke,

and the red is my merlot.

Since when are you drinking wine
in the middle of the afternoon?

Since the girls started puking
in the middle of the afternoon.

Your soup is coming, Juanita!

Yes, Celia, yours, too!

Here. My shift is over.

No. No. No. No. No.
I can't, Gaby. Not tonight.

Why not? I've been with them since
they got the stupid stomach flu.

I haven't slept in four days.
I need a break, Carlos.

Tomorrow morning, ten clients
from Japan are flying in,

and in order for me to
win their giant account,

I have to wow them with

a PowerPoint presentation that
I have not even started yet.

All I hear is "Blahbety-blah.
Japan. Blahbety blah."

I need a massage.

Oh, my god. Not again.

Every time a bell rings,
an angel does not get its wings.

A child almost gets hit!

It's just endless.

If something isn't coming
out of their mouths,

it's coming out of their butts.

Every opening is on full service.

I can't do this anymore.
I'm starting to lose my mind!

Okay.

Okay.

Go get your massage.
I will take care of them tonight.

What about Japan?

This is more important.

I told you I would
always take care of you.

Go. Go get your massage.

Hey, girls! Daddy's home! I got your soup!

Surprise taco visit.

Don't get too excited.
That's not a euphemism.

Hey, babe, I'm kind of in
the middle of something.

What are you in the middle of?
Obviously not shaving

or putting on deodorant.
You look like a t*rror1st.

Can you please just come back later?

Okay. I mean,

I thought it'd be nice to
have lunch together, but fine.

I'll just leave these for you.

Mike?

Hey, Gaby.

So Mike gets to come visit, but not me?

Mike is just being a friend.
He gets what I'm going through.

Ah, I did my own little stint in rehab.

I know how hard this can be.

Right. What do I know? I'm only his wife.

Gaby. Gaby, wait.

He's a little on edge right now.
Cut him some slack.

You think I came here
to give him a hard time?

I just want to be here for him.

Yeah, but you being here just reminds him

how he's messing everything up.
He feels like he's failing you.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Why do you think he's pushing you away?

He can't stand you seeing him like this,

and frankly, I think he's a little scared.

Of what?

He's always provided for you,

and if you think he can't do that anymore,

he's afraid you might leave him.

Mike was a good man...

and so are you.

You should quit your job.

What? But you said that...

I was wrong.

If being a counselor's
gonna make you happy,

then that's what you should do.

As Lynette looked at a wedding
photo of Susan and Mike,

she thought about the tragic
end of their marriage,

and that started her thinking
about the beginning of her own.

Oh, I got this.

No. No. No. No. No. I got it.

Why? 'cause you're the guy?

No, because I asked you out.
It's only fair.

Let me get it.

No. Next time.

Next time?

You're asking me out on a second date?

Abso-tively.

Okay, but you should
know I have a -date rule

before I even consider
sleeping with someone.

For the record, I wasn't,
uh, expecting anything.

That said, if you take
me out for coffee now,

I would be willing to
consider that a second date.

And what if after that,

I offered you half the candy bar
I have in my glove compartment?

Would that count as a third date?

Let's have the coffee first

and see how it goes, shall we?

Let's get out of here.

So do we need to tell H.R. about this?

Why would we?

Well, I think they want to know

when employees get in a relationship.

Tom, we don't have to do
the whole relationship thing.

I am not one of those
girls looking for a ring

and kids and a house in the suburbs.

Although I am kind of partial
to white picket fences.

You don't think there's anybody out there

who can make you change your mind?

Not for the next seven years.

I have this whole plan where
I become vice president.

Of the United States?

I meant the company, but we'll see.

Okay. Can I look now? My back is aching,

my ankles are swollen,
and your hands smell like cheese.

Ta-da!

What is this?

It's your dream house.

Someone already bought it.

Yeah, I did, for you.

What the hell's wrong with you?

You don't just buy someone a house.

The exception to the
rule being dream houses.

No, you still should've consulted me.

This is a decision
we're supposed to make together

And... ow! Oh, cramp. Oh, my foot.

- Here. Sit down.
- Okay.

Sit down.

Here.

- Where is it? Right there?
- Right there. Right there.

Come on. Admit it. This is kind of nice.

Yeah, it's nice,

but...

I have certain things I want in a home.

I know. Like a-a tree house
for the twins to play in.

There's the perfect tree for it.

And an herb garden...

there's a great spot on
the other side of the house.

And of course,

your white picket fence,
just like you always dreamed about.

Wait. I never said anything
about a white picket fence.

Sure, you did. On our first date.

You said you were a sucker
for a white picket fence.

There's no way I said
that on our first date.

You did. I remember,
because as soon as you said it,

I got this image of us
sitting on our porch,

watching our kids play
while we drink lemonade

and look out over our white picket fence.

Yeah, this does seem like a nice place.

I'm sorry I did this without you,

but I knew, when I saw this house,
that you would love it.

Because I know you better than anyone.

- Here. These are yours, too.
- Ah.

Thanks. Um, do you mind
if I take the portable CD player?

The one I use while I'm cooking?

How else am I gonna play my CDs?

Yeah. Sure. Take it.

Okay. Thanks.

How you doing?

Great. It's all the fun of a garage
sale without making any money

and only getting rid of
stuff you really like.

Why aren't you fighting harder?

It's just a CD player.

I'm talking about your marriage.

Lynette, you know me.

I hate talking about this stuff,
but everybody on the street knows

you and Tom are supposed to be together.

I don't know.

At this point,
there's so many bad feelings,

I think time apart will help us.

It won't.

I've been through this.
All right, I know how it goes.

Each of you waiting for the other one

to admit they were wrong,
beg to be taken back.

The problem is,
the whole time you're waiting,

you're just growing further apart.

But you and Susan got back together.

And I kick myself every day
for letting it take so long.

What I'm trying to say is,

somebody's gotta make the first move.

I can't right now.

I'm too angry.

And one day you won't be.

I hope it's not too late.

For either one of you.

Don't let it bother you, honey.

What?

Tom, showing up with his girlfriend.

It's fine. I actually don't think
it's gonna last that much longer.

Yeah? You heard something?

No, I decided something.

Bree Van de Kamp found herself helpless

in the face of a powerful man.

And this got her thinking

about the ways
she'd handled powerful men before

and how she'd learned to do it.

Bree.

What are you making?

Honey pecan pie.

It's your father's favorite.

Can I help?

Pie's done,

but I can teach you how
to make whipped cream.

Of course there's so many things
I should probably teach you first.

Like what?

Like... how to be a woman.

That is the most important
lesson I can pass down.

As the cream thickens,
you whip it a little faster, okay?

Don't I become a woman
just by getting older?

Oh, no, Bree.

There's some things
you're too young to understand,

but...

I think you're old enough
to learn about the mask.

The mask?

It's what my mother called it.

It's the face you wear

when you don't want people
to know what you're feeling.

All well-brought-up women
conceal their emotions.

It's very useful,
especially when dealing with men.

Why?

Well, if a man knows what you're thinking,

it gives him power over you.

For example,

if a man knows how much you love him,

he'll take you for granted.
He'll hurt you...

carelessly,

cruelly,

constantly.

Does daddy know that you love him?

Yes. I have told him repeatedly

that I cannot live without him.

If you're so upset with him,

why are you making his favorite pie?

Because after all of these years,

I've forgotten how to wear my mask.

So now I must do things to distract daddy.

Like this pie.

When I bring it out, he'll be so excited,

he won't notice
the devastation in my eyes.

Devastation?

Mm-hmm. It's an emotion.

The kind you might feel
when your friend calls

to say your husband's lesabre was seen

in the parking lot of a certain motel,

next to his secretary's bonneville.

Practice your mask.

Oh, no. Honey, that's too much.

All you need is the hint of a smile.

Perfect.

With an expression like that,

no one will ever know what
you're really thinking.

And I'll have power over men?

God, I hope so.

Why are you angry?

Who says I'm angry?

After all these years,
you don't think I can read you?

Well, if I'm such an open book,
what am I angry about?

So you admit you're angry.

I admit no such thing.

You know...

this thing you're doing...

And what thing would that be?

You put on this plastic face

to keep me in the dark about
what you're really feeling.

A-and I walk around on eggshells for days,

not knowing which end is up.

Well, maybe I don't feel safe

sharing every single thought
and emotion I have with you.

Well, that's a horrible thing to say.

Of course you can feel safe with me.

I'm your husband.

I love you.

Please.

Okay.

After dessert,

you paid a certain...

compliment to Gabrielle.

You gotta be kidding.

It was hurtful.

To who?

To me.

You told her she was the most
gorgeous woman you'd ever met.

- She was a model.
- I don't care.

You don't say that with
your wife standing right next to you.

I'm going to bed.

Now?

You wanted to know what I was feeling.

I'm feeling...

hurt and humiliated.

And I think you're dumb
to feel those things.

Are you coming to bed?

Or are you just gonna
stay down here and pout?

Actually, I was just
thinking about my mother...

and how insightful she was.

Insightful about what?

I'll be right along.

I just want to, uh...

tidy up first.

Okay.

Oh, and, Rex?

I'll be serving belgian
waffles for breakfast.

Wow. They're my favorite.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

It's quite all right.

Although I'm still a little unclear

as to why you brought me here.

Have you ever met a man by
the name of Ramon Sanchez?

No, I don't believe I have. Why?

He disappeared from
his home a few months ago.

And we just got a tip

that he's dead.

Oh, my.

You say you never met him?

Ramon Sanchez. No,
that name doesn't ring a bell.

Well, you see, because of this tip,

someone out there is accusing
you of k*lling Mr. Sanchez.

Oh, good heavens. That's just silly.

And as it happens,

Mr. Sanchez was found exactly

where the tipster said he would be.

And was he...

Dead?

Yes, ma'am.

What a shame.

Because you have been identified as
Mr. Sanchez's k*ller...

You had no choice but
to bring me in for questioning.

I understand.

So I have to ask you...

Did you k*ll him?

Absolutely not.

I must say, you are hard to read.

Thank you. What a lovely compliment.

You think that's a compliment?

I was raised to be composed at all times.

This is obviously a very
stressful situation...

finding myself accused
of a horrific crime.

And the fact that you would think

that I'm comporting myself

with a measure of grace and dignity...

Well, that's a thoughtful thing to say.
You're very sweet.

Now do you have any other questions?

I hate to rush you,

but I'm late for the funeral
of a very dear friend.

I can't think of a thing.

Well, it was lovely meeting you,

and I do hope you find out
what happened to Mr. Sanchez.

I'm sure we will.

See? What did I tell you?

She's something all right.

I'm just not sure what we got
by bringing her down here.

We got her fingerprints.

"I am the resurrection and the life..."

As Susan listened

to the kind words the minister
had to say about Mike,

she found herself at a loss.

She knew people wanted to hear from her,

but she had no idea
what she wanted to say.

I can't believe you're making me do this.

Oh, wait. I think what you mean to say is,

"Susan, sweet, wonderful Susan,"

"thank you for marrying me
and allowing me the honor"

"of carrying your beautiful
behind inside our house."

You are so drunk right now.

No, I am not. I'm just...

Oh, I've never been this happy in my life.

I feel like I could float.

I wish you could.

Yeah, I'm happy, too.

That's it?

"I'm happy"?

Well, that covers it.

What do you want from me?
I'm not a big... word guy.

Okay. Come on, mister...

strong and silent.

What?

Write me a poem.

Oh, leave me alone with this stuff.

It's my wedding night, and I want a poem.

Come on. Let's go.

All I remember is this thing
from when I was a kid.

I'll take it.

Give me my poem, husband.

I love you once.

I love you twice.

I love you more than beans and rice.

Now that is a poem. Oh.

It's really smart you guys are doing this.

When people die without a will,
it can be a nightmare.

You okay, honey?

Of course I'm okay.

We're about to talk about us dying

for the next two days.

If it makes you feel any better,
nobody enjoys this.

I'm shocked to hear that.

You got any cancer pamphlets in there?

In case we finish early.

Susan, come on. This is important.

We got the baby coming. We got the house.

I'm not saying a will isn't important.

I'm saying it's a beautiful day.

We should take a walk or something

and deal with this dying stuff...

On a nice, dreary, rainy day.

Um, bathroom's right there, Bob.

I don't need to use the bathroom.

Or maybe I do.

Okay. What is it?

We're jinxing us.

By doing this, we're telling death,
"Come on in."

No, it's when you don't
do this that it's a jinx.

Look, I'm a plumber,

and it's always the people that
don't have homeowner's insurance

whose toilets explode.

Is it what they eat?

Missing my point.

No, avoiding your point.

Go wash your hands.

Please?

We'll do it saturday. I promise.

Look, I know it's tough,
but indulge me, okay?

Because if something happens,

there's nothing more important to me

than knowing that you and you...

are taken care of.

Bob, come on!

We're not paying you
to go to the bathroom.

Oh, this is what I'm talking about.

None of that kobe beef, arugula,
and goat cheese nonsense.

Give me good old-fashioned ground beef,

american cheese,
and iceberg lettuce any day.

Well, I am glad you're happy,

but I am not sure that any burger is

worth a half-hour drive in the car.

That's just 'cause
you haven't taken a bite yet.

Juanita said Mrs. Van de Kamp's
boyfriend got k*lled by a car.

Uh, yes.

Yes, he did.

And it was an accident.

It was very sad.

But you don't have to worry.

As long as we remember to look both ways

before we cross the street,
that'll never happen to us.

Where do we go when we die?

Well, you know, we go to heaven.

I know, but does everyone go?

Everyone you know will go to heaven.

What about animals?

Animals go to heaven, too.

What about bugs?

Bugs are annoying.

We don't want bugs in heaven.

What about the animals that eat the bugs?

Won't they starve?

You're right.

There are bugs in heaven.

But if all the people and all the animals

and all the bugs that
ever lived go to heaven,

isn't it super crowded?

No, sweetie.

Heaven is perfect.

How is it perfect? I mean, what's it like?

You wanna jump in here?

Buddy, this is heaven.

It is?

Sure. Sitting with the people

you love more than anything in the world,

eating a double cheeseburger and fries...
it's gotta be heaven.

- You know what else is heaven?
- What?

That place we fish.

Near the waterfall?

Yep. Heaven.

And when we watch football together

and mom brings us trays of snacks.

That's heaven, too?

If heaven is supposed to be
the happiest place you can be,

don't all those places
sound like it to you?

What are hamburgers made out of?

'cause I know they're not ham.

Thank you for coming to help
honor Mike Delfino's life.

The family invites you to
join them at the cemetery.

I changed my mind.

Hi.

I-I wasn't, uh, planning to say anything

because, uh...

I had absolutely no idea what to say.

Mike and I never talked about
what he wanted for a funeral.

I think it's because, um...

Well, you know Mike.

He... wasn't really much of a talker.

Some of you,

as you came by to hug me today,

you said that he's in a better place.

And you know what? I...

I realize now...

he is.

He... is in a diner...

eating cheeseburgers with his family...

and he's fishing

at a waterfall...

and he's watching football with his son,

yelling like a maniac.

So...

since he has to be in...

all those wonderful places...

I'm going to have to say
good-bye to him now.

Good-bye, Mike.

I love you once.

I love you twice.

I love you more than beans and rice.

♪ Amazing ♪

♪ Grace ♪

♪ How sweet ♪

♪ The sound ♪

♪ That saved ♪

♪ A wretch ♪

♪ Like me ♪

♪ I once ♪

♪ Was lost ♪

♪ But now ♪

♪ I'm found ♪

♪ Was blind ♪

♪ But now ♪

♪ I see ♪

♪ 'twas grace ♪

♪ That taught ♪

♪ My heart to fear ♪

♪ And grace ♪

♪ My fears ♪

♪ Relieved ♪

♪ How precious did ♪

♪ That grace ♪

♪ Appear ♪

♪ The hour ♪

♪ I first ♪

♪ Believed ♪

♪ Through many dangers ♪

♪ Toils and snares ♪

♪ I have ♪

♪ Already come ♪

♪ 'tis grace ♪

♪ That brought ♪

♪ Me safe ♪

♪ Thus far ♪

♪ And grace ♪

♪ Will lead ♪

♪ Me home ♪

You know what? Mike was right.

This was the best freaking
burger I've ever had in my life.

You got that right.

Susan, you haven't eaten a thing.
Aren't you starving?

- - - - - .

I-I just remembered...

it's Mike's password for his voice mail.

I have to call the cell phone company,

or they're gonna charge
us for an extra month.

I can do that for you.

I will call them first
thing tomorrow morning.

M.J. signed... up

for pitching for little league this year.

Mike was supposed to teach him.

Oh, honey, I'll send
Carlos over to coach him.

I gave him two girls who hate sports,
so he'll be thrilled.

Mike was always checking
the tires on our car

with this thingy.

I don't know where the thingy is.

I just know it was important
and it kept us safe.

Hey. Hey. Tom's still
taking care of our cars.

I'll just tell him to add yours
to his to-do list from now on.

Susan, we are gonna do everything we can

to hold you up, okay?

Okay.

Yes, as much as death takes from us,

it also gives.

It teaches us what's truly important...

like giving back after
a lifetime of taking...

going after something

we never should have let go of...

or looking back on what
made us who we are.

But sometimes the lessons
learned after a person's death

aren't the ones we expected.

Forensics says the prints on the mug

match the prints we found on the dead guy.

Whole time she was dating Chuck,
I never trusted her.

You think we got enough to arrest her?

Probably.

Let's hold off.

I wanna make sure we get enough
to put this bitch away for good.