01x01 - Plus One

[bunniefuu]

Oh. You're early.

Or I'm late. (LAUGHS)

Either way, hello. I'm glad you're here.

Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed.

Earlier in the week, my mother
came to me in a panic.

Katharine?!

Mom, you scared the tea out of me.

Tara's renewing her vows.

I wanted to make sure you're okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

Because your best friend's
getting two weddings,

and you've never had one.

(WHISPERING): And you're .

(WHISPERING): Why are we whispering?

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Thought I had more time.

My mother's been extra worried
about my single status

since my father d*ed, which
was super hard on both of us.

- (CRYING)
- (CRYING): I want to go to sleep

and never wake up.

I think I want to open a cat café.

So, I did.

I quit my unfulfilling job
as a math professor,

and I opened Kat's Cat Café,

where I have two great employees
who are super helpful.

Whoever thinks of a good
name for our new cat

- gets an extra paid sick day.
- (BOTH GASP)

Oh! Uh, how about "Pudding,"

'cause I could just eat
him with a spoon?

How about "Firework," 'cause it
looks like one exploded in his ass?

- Ooh! I like that.
- That's pretty good.

Yeah?

I think he's purr-fect.

Now on with our show.

♪ ♪


Mmm.

This is so good, Phil. What am I eating?

Well, my mama used to make it
for us kids on the holidays.

We thought the burnt
coconut looked like hair,

so we called it "Mama's Hairy Pie."

Put it on the menu, but
let's change the name.

Hey, Kat, this came for you.

Mm! This is the invitation

to my friend Tara's
renewal-of-vows ceremony.

Wait. My RSVP card says "Ms.
Katharine Edith Silver and,"

and then there's this line.

Does that mean I get a plus-one?

- Looks like it.
- (GASPS) This is so exciting!

I never get a plus-one.

They're withheld from single
people like a public shaming.

Since you're not dating anybody,
you should just go alone

and have fun flirting with all
the single men at the party.

That's one of my favorite games.

I call it "Catch and Release."

Well, you obviously don't live
with social anxiety like I do.

Did I tell you a guy got
into my car yesterday,

thinking it was an Uber?

I didn't want to make him feel bad,

so I just drove him all
the way to the airport.

Ooh, it says the reception will be held

in the Crystal Ballroom
at The Brown Hotel.

Ooh, The Brown is the most
iconic hotel in Louisville.

Elizabeth Taylor lost an emerald

out of her peacock
broach there one time.

- Phil, are you okay?
- I'm...

No, I... I'm sorry.

It's just that Marty's work party
was supposed to be there,

and I was so excited about
dancing at the Crystal Ballroom.

But then he came home and said

he'd met that young buck at Big Lots!

Who sold him a broom and
swept him off his feet.

I'm so sorry, Phil.

It's my own fault. I asked
him to buy the broom.

I hate seeing people sad.

They look like wounded baby birds.

I just want to tape a little Popsicle
stick to that broken wing.

Here I go.

- Phil?
- Huh?

Would you do me the honor
of being my plus-one?

Get out of town.
Are you kidding me, Kat?

Nope. Not kidding.
And we'll have a lot more fun

than you would've had
at a stupid work party

'cause this is a stupid
renewing-their-vows ceremony.

- Plus, you'll be with me.
- Oh, thank you, Kat.

Can I call my mama and tell her

I'm going to the Crystal Ballroom?

- Of course.
- (LAUGHING): Oh!

Hey, Mama, guess what.

Gosh, I wonder what it's like
to be excited to call your mom.

One root beer, please.

I'll be with you in a minute, sir.

Not the first time that's happened.

Due to my low, resonant voice,

I often get mistaken for
a man on the phone.

And once on video chat.

Oh, I am so sorr...

Kat?

Max?

- (LAUGHS)
- No way!

Hot Max?

Oh.

That was meant for you.

So, how are you? What are
you doing with your life?

I just got back into town,
and Carter gave me a job

so I'd have an answer
to questions like that.

Hey, do not let her behind the bar.

She likes to play with the soda g*n.

(LAUGHS) I wasn't playing with it.

I was inventing a new drink.

I don't go to your café
and invent new cats.

You know what list you're on.

It's not a good list.

So what's going on with you?

Oh, I'm, uh... I'm meeting Tara
here to discuss her wedding.

Her second wedding to her first husband.

I think she might be a wedding hoarder.

So, are you married?

Yeah. Yes, of course.

Oh, cool. You have kids?

Yeah, I got two of those rascals.

There's Orlando and, uh, Bloom.

This is what I was talking about.

(WHISPERING): This is social anxiety.

What about you?

- No, not married.
- Yeah, me neither.

You just said you were.

Divorced now. No kids.

What happened to the kids?

(LAUGHING): Well, that's
a funny story, Max.

Not funny "Ha, ha."

Funny in that it is almost unbelievable.

- Oh.
- We were, um, on vacation

in the Himalayas,

and they were just running
around in shorts and T-shirts.

And I kept saying, "You're
gonna freeze to death."

And they... did.

Fake kids at that age.

I lobbed it, and he hit it right back.

I am unmarried, and I live
alone above my cat café,

which is a... a lot sexier
than it sounds.

Yeah, it's really good to see you, Kat.

Oh, will you excuse me for a sec?

(DOOR OPENS)

KAT: Mm.

Tara, Tara, Tara, Tara, guess what?

Look, we can keep arguing,
or you can just agree with me.

Wise choice. Okay, I'll call you later.

Hey, Kitty Kats. So sorry.
What were you saying?

Max is back, and he's here!

Ooh!

It's Max from college! (LAUGHS)

Hey, wait. Didn't you
have a crush on him?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Of course I did.

Everyone did, 'cause...
well, look at him.

Well, fun!

Anyway, Katnip, I got your RSVP,

and I am so excited
you're bringing someone.

So, fill me in on this Phil Crumpler...

who must be filling you in.

She can be disgusting.

Phil's my new baker. And a friend.

We just started a culinary arts club.

It'll keep his little stem warm.

Oh.

Listen, if Phil's just a friend,
you can't bring him.

The Brown Hotel is very expensive,

and we didn't really
budget for extra guests.

But if I were to go on say,
GettingLuckyinKentucky.com,

and randomly invited someone
to be my date to your event,

you'd be fine paying for their meal?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Plus-one's are someone

- you've been dating for a while.
- Well, for how long?

Well, you know, when you're
at that point in a relationship

where instead of saying, "Hey,
what are you doing this weekend?,"

you say, "Hey, what are
we doing this weekend?"

Yeah, that point in your relationship

where you stop calling
her by her first name

and starting call her "Boo-Boo."

- Exactamundo.
- Oh.

When is that? I mean, I feel
like that must be different

for everybody.

- Four months.
- Four months.

Thank you so much, Carter.

You're welcome so much, Kat.

Well, maybe there could
be a little wiggle room

about who I bring considering

this is a renewal-of-vows ceremony.

It's not an actual wedding.

Oh, Kat, you know that I've
been planning my wedding

since I was eight years old,
and then it actually rained

on my wedding day, so
then I started planning

my renewing-my-vows
ceremony on my honeymoon.

I just want this to be perfect.

Okay, I will come alone.

Thanks for understanding, Katnip.

Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Now, onto more important things.
What are you gonna wear?

Please tell me you're not gonna
wear the green pantsuit.

I got this pantsuit seven years ago,

and I've worn it to every
fancy event since,

and that includes National Donut Day,

as in "Do-not forget my pantsuit." Boom!

I've just never been
obsessed with fashion.

And I don't appreciate those shows

where "fashion experts"
accost people on the street

and tell them how hideous they look.

If I had one of those shows,

I'd call it Wear What You Want!

Excuse me, ma'am. Excuse me.
Do you like what you're wearing?

- Yeah.
- Are you comfortable?

Yeah.

Do you care that other
people might not like it?

- No.
- Great. Wear what you want!

Seriously, this pantsuit
is so comfortable,

and it is so stretchy, I can do this.

And even this.

Whoa! Geez. I am so sorry!

Oh. Phil,

I have to talk to you.
I am really sorry...

Wait. I need to show you something.

(CHUCKLES) For your friend's ceremony.

I saw it winking at me
in women's petites,

and needless to say, I winked back.

Well, be careful, Phil.

You might make that
Crystal Ballroom jealous.

Oh, for the first time in a long while,

I feel like my old self, Kat,
and all that is thanks to you.

So, what'd you need to tell me?

Uh... I forget.

But you look great.

- Oh, well, thank you.
- Yeah.

Don't look at me like that.
I'll think of something.

(GASPS) I thought of something.

Well, you caught me
off guard today, Tara,

but I do need to tell you that...

Phil Crumpler and I
actually are a couple,

and we've been keeping
it on the Down Low,

'cause, you know, he is
quite a bit older than me.

Uh, yeah, well, it's, uh,
been about five months.

(WHISPERING): Four months
seemed too on the nose.

♪ Go and do the two-step,
then cowboy boogie ♪

♪ Grab your sweetheart
and spin out with 'em ♪

♪ Do the hoedown and get into it ♪

♪ It's simple, you can do it ♪

♪ Slide to the left,
slide to the right ♪

♪ Now cool down, have a good time ♪

♪ 'Round, 'round,
'round and 'round you go ♪

♪ It's time to show out right
now and take to the floor ♪

♪ Go and do the two-step and... ♪

♪ ♪

Oh. Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Thank you.

Katharine, why is Phil here?

Hmm. I brought him.

As my plus-one, because,
you know, he's my boyfriend.

He's your what?

My boyfriend.

You know how when you
have a friend who's a girl

and you're really close,
you call her your girlfriend?

Well, Phil and I have
gotten really close,

so I call him my boyfriend.

So, if anybody asks, you can just say,

"Yup, there's Kat and her boyfriend."

Ooh, I need a drink.
Do you want one... girlfriend?

I think you've had too much.

No. No, that's quite enough.

- You can't handle it.
- Give it to me.

- I don't think you should...
- Mom, stop. (GASPS)

My pantsuit!

MAX: Kat?

Max?

(MOUTHING)

What are you doing here?

When Cole heard I was back
in town, he invited me.

I don't know if you remember,

but Cole and I used
to play ball together.

Yeah, I remember you two
playing with your balls.

Oh, and now I'd like to
buy that sentence back

with an invisible dollar, sir.

And I will take that invisible dollar

- and put it in my pocket.
- (CHUCKLES)

Speaking of remembering...

I remember you were only supposed

to teach English overseas for a year,

and that was, like, ten years ago.

That is true.

And then, I started doing
some traveling, and...

(BRITISH ACCENT): Did you go to Narnia?

What? Why? Was... ?

Close. I met a girl in Paris.

(FRENCH ACCENT): I am sorry
I took so long, Mon Lapin.

There was a little woman
handing out towels

to dry our hands in the toilette.

So I had her take a
series of photos of me

applying my lipstick for my blog.

(ECHOING): Hello.

MAX: So we're taking some time apart.

I'm sorry. What?

Brigitte and I broke up.

So, came home for a
while to clear my head.

And my arteries.

They dip cheese in cheese there.

I thought I invented that.

- Oh.
- Hi, Max.

- Hey.
- Cole's looking for you.

Hi! Hey, Kitty Kats.

I see you hanging out with
Max instead of your boyfriend.

Well, that's because...

Because Phil's not your boyfriend.

(LAUGHS)

Yes, he is.

I mean, didn't you see us
out on the dance floor?

Do you know why we're that good?

Sexual chemistry.

I can't believe you'd lie to me, Kat.

- We grew up together.
- (SIGHS)

(QUIETLY): We played doctor together.

Yes, which is why I know your heart.

And even though your mouth said,

"You can't bring a
friend to this wedding,"

what I heard your heart say was,

"Sure, you can bring
a friend! I'm chill."

I had our initials engraved
in the butter pats.

Does that sound chill to you?

Fine. You know what?

How about I write you a
check for Phil's salmon?

He didn't finish it, by the way.

It was fishy.

(GASPS)

You know what? I don't
want to make a scene here.

So, you win, Kat. You win.

(SCOFFS)

She rents this hall,

she wears a big white stupid dress,

she invites people,

but she doesn't want
to make a scene? Okay.

Oh. (GASPS)

My pantsuit!

Again?!

This is all my fault.

No, it's Tara's fault for
being so controlling

and not cutting me a little slack.

Right after her C-section,

when she wasn't allowed
to have food yet,

who did she ask to sneak her
in a whole rotisserie chicken?

- You?
- Me.

And I did it, right under my shirt.

It b*rned me a little.

But if I hadn't been such a complainer

about Marty not taking
me to his work party,

you wouldn't have felt
like you had to bring me.

I didn't feel like I had to.

I felt like I deserved
the same opportunity

as other guests to bring a plus-one.

I wanted a designated dance partner.

I wanted to bring someone
I could gossip with

about how much everybody drank

and who's freezing the fat off their ass

and injecting it into their face.

- That woman Lisa!
- Thank you. Whew!

I went to Tara's first wedding alone.

My dance choices were a priest

or a grabby little
eight-year-old named Dustin.

It's hard being single, isn't it?

It can be.

But here's the thing.

I love my life.

I love my job.

I love my friends.

But, yeah, there are times

when doing things alone
can be a little lonely.

I get that.

When Marty first left, I thought,

"Well, at least the house stays clean."

But it was so quiet.

Too quiet.

When I came into your café that day,

you said, "Welcome! I like your shirt."

- (CHUCKLES)
- And I said, "Thank you."

I remember that because
you were the first person

I had talked to in two weeks.

I'm glad you came in that day.

Me, too.

I don't think you should
be too upset with Tara.

She got three kids.

And her husband's one
of them loud talkers.

I bet she'd love to
switch places with you

and be alone for a while.

When I sprained both my
wrists trying to do parkour,

- she did brush my teeth for me.
- (PHIL CHUCKLES)

Where you going?

I'm gonna go apologize to Tara

before she leaves for
her second honeymoon.

Oh. (MUTTERS)

I am just so glad that you two made up.

Well, it helped that when
I ran into the street

to chase her down, I got clipped
by her Just-Married-Again limo.

- It put her in a very forgiving mood.
- (CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, it's my mama. Can I take a break?

Go for it.

Hi, Mama.

Phil has been waiting for his
mama to get out of Bible study

so he can tell her all about
his night at The Brown Hotel.

I've never seen him so happy.
Good on you, Kat.

Thanks, Randi.

But you don't need to call me a hero.

I'm not a hero.

Yeah, I didn't say that.

But just to catch you up on
what I've been dealing with.

Purr-tricia has organized
a small kitty g*ng,

and they keep trapping
Firework in the cat basket.

And, hey, look at the time.
That is no longer my problem.

I will take Firework upstairs

until Purr-tricia's new owners
pick her up tomorrow.

It never ceases to amaze me how
the mean girls get picked first.

Yes, they do. I know.

- (MEOWS)
- Yeah, I know. You did the right thing.

You turned the other cheek.

(MEWING)

Hello, Katharine.

Oh. (MUTTERS)

Geez, Mom.

You scared the cat out of me.

What were you thinking,

calling that man your boyfriend?

You're too young to be so eccentric.

What can I say? I wanted
to take Phil so I took Phil.

I had friends there.

Ladies from the Junior League,
girls from the pageant circuit.

(GASPS) Not the girls
from the pageant circuit.

Did Miss Muhlenberg County take notice?

She certainly did.

Even with a glass eye, she
could tell something was amiss.

Look, I'm sorry I embarrassed
you in front of your friends.

I'm not that sorry, but I'll throw
her a bone on that one.

There is no road map of
how I should live my life

as a -year-old single woman, Mom.

So I'm just gonna have to
make it up as I go along.

And as you have witnessed,
it's gonna be kind of messy.

But also kind of awesome,

'cause did you see me and
Phil out there line dancing?

I mean, we were by far the best ones.

Oh, honey, I'm just worried

that you're not trying to meet someone.

I mean, aren't you afraid
of becoming a sad cat lady?

Not a chance.

- I'm gonna be a rad cat lady.
- (MEWS)

And now, Mom,

now that I've answered your questions,

I have a question for you.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

Drifting through the wind?

Wanting to start again?

What the hell are you talking about?

♪ You just got to ignite the light ♪

♪ And let it shine ♪

♪ Just own the night ♪

♪ Like the Fourth of July ♪

- (DOOR OPENS)
- ♪ Baby, you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show 'em what you're worth ♪

♪ Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" ♪

♪ As you sh**t across the sky-y-y... ♪

MAN: Shut up!

(QUIETLY): ♪ Baby,
you're a firework... ♪

♪ Come on, let your colors burst ♪

♪ Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"... ♪

Oh. (LAUGHS)

I thought I had locked that.

Nope, it's open.
Do you want me to lock it?

- Yeah. Would you?
- Sure.

Oh. Do you want me on the
inside or the outside of it?

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- What do you think?

Inside.

Cool. I was just leaving the bar

and I saw your light on and I thought

maybe you'd want to grab some dinner.

Just to catch up.

Just two old friends catching up.

Yeah, I want to grab dinner.

I want to grab it by the meatballs.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

What am I saying, Max?

I'm not sure.

Let me just go upstairs and
change into something nicer.

Why?

'Cause I just threw this on for work.

Are you comfortable?

Do you care what other
people think of you?

Then let's go.

Let's go.

- (QUIETLY): What?
- Oh, we could...

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, I am so sorry.
- (GROANING)

Yeah, I might be bleeding.

(KAT GROANS NERVOUSLY)

♪ ♪

Um, I think you should sit on the couch.

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- I was excited.

Bring me ice? Yeah.

Put your feet up.
Put your legs up. Yeah.

- (CHATTER CONTINUES)
- Seems like the right thing to...

Oh, okay, yeah, we're good.
Thank you. We're good.

Yeah, au revoir, au revoir. Yeah.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES)