01x05 - Cake

[bunniefuu]

(SNORING)

Oh, hello.

I must have overslept.

Phil, Randi and I had a really wild time

at the café last night.

And our next cat looking
for her forever home

is Claw-dia Sniffer.

What she lacks in hair, she makes up for

with her purr-fect complexion.

Her secret?

She never stops grooming.

Randi has built up quite
a social media following

by livestreaming our events.

She even put a GoPro camera
on Meghan Meow-kel

so people online can watch
what she does all day.

What is Meghan doing now?

Still sitting on her ass
like the princess she is.

So exciting.

Doing what you love with people you love

is a business owner's dream.

And Phil, Randi and I...
we're kind of a dream team.

Speaking of dreams,

I've been having a
recurring one about Max.

You want a banana split?

Where'd you get that?

From that fly-thru ice cream stand.

You know what I'm thinking?

That we should keep our eyes
peeled for a flying churro cart?

That you're beautiful in the moonlight.

BOTH: Oh!

And that's the real reason I overslept.

And now, on with our show.

♪ ♪

(SING-SONGY): Guess what I had again.

I told you when I took this job,

there are three things I hate...

building IKEA furniture,

picking up friends from the
airport and guessing games.

It's true. She even put
it on her application.

I had the flying dream about Max again.

It was so wonderfully real,
to finally touch a cloud,

take in a bird's-eye view
of the city, and wonder,

if I pooped on someone,
would they think it was lucky?

Probably not.

So did you kiss him?

I don't dream kiss-and-tell.

No.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you just tell
Max about the dream?

Get his reaction.

Gauge whether he wants to
try to kiss you in real life.

He's still hung up on his
ex-girlfriend Brigitte.

Well, she lives in France,
and his penis is here.

That's all I'm saying.

Randi, please.
There are kittens in here.

And to be honest,
the real joy of a crush

is that it's one-sided.

It's all mine to do with as I wish,

without his pesky feelings
getting in the way.

So you're gonna do nothing

because you're afraid he'll reject you?

- There's that, too.
- Mm.

Excuse me.

Hello. How can I help you, kind patron?

(SOUTHERN ACCENT):
This lemon chiffon cake is so good,

it made me want to call my daddy,

and I haven't talked to him in years.

I know, it's pretty great, right?

And I can brag 'cause I didn't make it.

But I was smart enough to hire
the guy who did, so, yay me.

Well, I'm getting married soon,
and I was wondering

if you'd be able to make
it into a wedding cake.

Maybe to serve about people?

Um, I'll have to check with our baker,

but I'm pretty sure he'll be on board.

Here's all my info.

Look forward to your
baker giving me a jingle.

All right, we'll be in touch.
Have a Kitty-Rific Day.

Thank you.

Yes!

It starts with one wedding cake,

and pretty soon, we're
the official pastry bakers

for the Kentucky Derby

and royal weddings all across the globe.

You really can dream, can't you?

- I'm back.
- Oh, Phil, I have huge news.

You finally kissed Max in your dream.

Less huge. You just missed
a customer who asked

if you could make your lemon
chiffon cake for his wedding.

Are you squeezing my piping bag?

Somebody wants to eat my cake

as an extension of their love?

Does the phrase "eat my cake"
sound dirty to anyone else?

Did you not just hear,
"squeezing my piping bag"?

Here's his information.
As soon as we calculate

the price for the larger cake,

I'll call and confirm.

Get ready for the wedding
cake of your life!

"Lane Gaffney"?

Oh, no.

Are you okay, Phil?

Yeah, you look pale.
I mean, paler than usual.

Lane Gaffney is the name of
the boy Marty left me for.

Well, I-I'm sure it's got to
be a different Lane Gaffney.

I bet that he wrote his name wrong,

because when he introduced himself,

he said his name was "Waynes Taffney."

You know, when gay
marriage was made legal,

Marty said it was a conspiracy

by the wedding industry
to get our gay dollars.

But in reality, I guess he just
didn't want to marry me.

Well, doesn't Marty's boyfriend
know that you work here?

I think it's kind of cruel for him
to ask you to make his cake.

See, "make his cake"
also sounds dirty to me.

Marty suggested after the breakup

that we not communicate

because he couldn't understand
me through my blubbering.

Well, I-I'm... I'm
just gonna call Lane...

I mean Waynes, and tell him
that we cannot make that cake

because of an egg shortage.

Due to a chicken shortage.

And we just don't know which came first.

Yeah, you shouldn't have
to make your ex's cake.

You've given him enough
of your frosting.

Okay, that is just filthy.

You want to help me drink
this expired bourbon?

Does bourbon expire?

Do you want to help me or not?

I'm in, even though bourbon
gives me weird dreams.

Couldn't be any weirder than
the dream I keep having.

If he says it's about
us flying together,

I'm going to rip my shirt off right now.

Funny. I've been having
crazy dreams, too.

- What's yours about?
- Okay, let's see.

I'm in a horse-drawn carriage.

Okay, I guess I'm leaving this on.

Were you driving, or was
someone else driving it?

I was driving it, and
wearing medieval armor.

And then, suddenly, I get a flat.

But when I get out to take a look at it,

instead of normal carriage wheels,

I have big monster-truck tires.

Monster-truck tires on
a horse-drawn carriage.

Lot of themes, lot of themes.

Yeah. And when I try to change the tire,

it turns into a giant pizza.

But just as I'm about to
take a bite... I wake up.

Oh, that's frustrating.

I've had it three nights in a row.

So what's it trying to tell me?

Okay, you want to go back in time

when you felt protected, ergo the armor,

and suckle at the teat of pizza.

- Well, I do love pizza.
- (LAUGHS)

- What's yours about?
- Mm.

Hmm?

Your crazy dream... what's it about?

Well, funnily enough,
Max, you are featured in it.

- Really?
- Yup. It's a flying dream.

- I love those.
- Yeah, me, too.

We're flying over Louisville,
sharing a banana split...

I'm more of a savory guy, but go on.

And we're holding hands so
that we don't lose each other.

And then we decide to see

if we can... here goes nothing...

kiss in the air while flying.

- And can we?
- We cannot.

- Ah.
- The wind keeps pushing us apart.

It's such a hater.

Anyway, I think that's
why it's recurring,

because there's no closure.

You know, same for you.

I never eat the pizza so I keep
dreaming about the pizza.

Exactly.

There. Maybe now you
can get back to dreaming

about something more
fun than boring old me.

Expired bourbon... is the best bourbon.

Good morning. I hope
you're enjoying your coffee

and that we're meeting
your expectations.

- Guess what?
- I told you when I took this job,

there are three things I hate...
building IKEA furniture...

I told Max about my dream,
and he kissed me.

(GASPS) A long kiss or a short kiss?

Hard to tell because time stood still.

What do you think it means?

PHIL: It means be careful.

Love will put rocks in your pockets

and lure you to the
deep end of the creek.

Katharine... you must feel terrible.

About what?

Well, I was drinking my morning coffee

and reading your Yelp reviews,

as I do every morning.

I had no idea. That's kind of sweet.

And I saw you'd gotten
your first one-star review.

Ooh, if that's because I spelled
that guy's name wrong

on his cup, I'm gonna fire back.

If it sounds like an "F,"
it should be spelled with an "F."

No, no, it was because you're...

h*m*.

Huh?

I found the review.

(YELPS)

Did you just yelp while
reading Yelp? Wait.

Is that why they call it that?

"The pastries at Kat's
Cat Café are wonderful,

"but they are not a welcoming business.

"I discovered this after
they refused to bake a cake

for my wedding because I'm gay. Lane G."

- What the... ?!
- He's evil!

The guy Phil's ex is marrying

asked if we would bake
their wedding cake.

Oh, well, that's certainly awkward.

Exactly. So, I told him
we couldn't do it.

- This is all my fault.
- KAT: No, it's not.

I mean, who would bake a
cake for their ex's wedding

and not put a laxative in it?

Damn. A bunch of people
shared that review on Insta,

and we've already lost followers.

We had followers?! Yes!

Kat, I don't want you to lose customers.

Then you need to call Lane back

and tell him to take that review down

and explain to him the real reason

we're not baking that cake.

But if I do that, then Marty will
know, while he's moved on,

I'm in the same broken place.

Look, maybe we're overreacting.

You know, we know in our hearts
that we weren't discriminating.

Well, you were discriminating.

Not because he's gay.
Because he's a homewrecker.

Even so,

maybe, instead of defending ourselves

against this one situation,

we need to show people that...
that we welcome everyone.

Ooh, how about I showcase
Neil Cat-rick Harris

as our cat of the month?

Yes, do that.

And I can go pick up
some rainbow balloons

so everybody will know that this
is a place where love grows.

Oh.

If everyone can't see
how accepting we are,

they can get the heck out!

Well, I see you've gone
from sad to bitter.

I like this side more.

And I see you've put the GoPro

on Neil Cat-rick Harris.

Yup. I'm calling it "Gay Cat Cam"

so people can see how inclusive we are.

Plus, we can see where the hell
Neil Cat-rick goes all day.

Have you noticed he kind of disappears?

Maybe he got left by some tomcat,

and he goes to a safe
space to lick his wounds.

If by "wounds," you mean "butt,"

- you're probably right.
- (CHUCKLES)

Okay, let's see where he goes.

- Hello, my liege.
- Hey.

Don't tell me that's the
princess hat you bought

when we went to the Highland
Ren Fair senior year.

When you challenged that wizard
to a turkey leg eating contest

and then you threw up in my car?

The very same.

And pizza?

I did not have my dream last night,

and I slept like a baby.

I also dreamt about babies.
They looked just like him,

stubble and everything. It was weird.

By making my dream come
true, you broke the cycle.

So I thought I would do the same
for you. Henceforth, your tire.

Aw, man. Mikey's Pizza. Thank you.

CARTER: Yeah. Thanks, Kat.

I love it when people bring food

from other places into my restaurant.

Well, don't be too mad,

'cause I'm hoping I can request
a favor from you both.

A favor from both of us,
but the pizza's for him?

Not very well-played, Kat.

Not very well-played.

Please?

The guy Phil's ex is marrying
left a brutal Yelp review

because we wouldn't
bake his wedding cake.

So I was hoping you both
could write glowing reviews

to drown his out. And bonus points

if you pretend to be a gay couple.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Got us backstage at
the Elton John concert.

But I get half that pizza.

Yeah, we'll write a review.

And this was so nice of you.

Oh, wait, there's more.

In order to continue making
your dreams come true,

I got us...

two tickets to the monster
truck show Saturday!

No way. (ANNOUNCER VOICE):
"This Saturday,

Saturday, Saturday,
prepare to be annihilated!"

Is that a yes?

"I have to ask Carter, Carter, Carter

for the night off.
I'll let you know ASAP!"

Ow. That hurts my throat.

The guy that does those commercials

must have no larynx left.

Okeydoke. Well, I shall await
your response by carrier pigeon.

I bid you adieu.

Uh, by "carrier pigeon,"
I just mean "text."

You can just sh**t me a text. Okay.

Huzzah!

Hey, is it cool if I take
Saturday night off?

Kat asked me to the monster
truck show that night.

Oh. Well, if you got plans
with your girlfriend,

I can try and make that happen.

She's not my girlfriend.

Does she know that?

Ooh, nice balloons.
I feel so welcome here.

What are y'all doing?

Watching Neil Cat-rick Harris.

He got into the air vent
and he's wandering around.

Well, it's clearly not
his first time up there.

There's his plush sushi
toy, his catnip hedgehog.

Ooh, and my lucky scrunchie.

Ooh, he's right over the Middle C.

I can see Max and
Carter through the vent.

Ooh, turn up the volume.
To be a fly on the wall.

- Or a cat in the vent, as they say.
- (LAUGHTER)

CARTER: She brought you a pizza.

The last girl that brought
me a pizza I married.

Plus, what was all that

"You helped me with my dream" business?

Oh, she told me about this dream
where we almost kissed,

so, I don't know, it was late,
and I just kind of kissed her.

On the lips?

It was a peck.

Last girl I pecked I put a baby inside.

I may have picked up
a bad habit in Europe.

Everybody kisses everybody there.

My landlady kissed me for
paying my rent on time.

With tongue.

Well, welcome to America, buddy.

Unless you plan on giving
your friend some benefits,

you better check yourself.

I'm telling you, girlfriend
wants to be your girlfriend.

Oh, no. We've been friends forever.

I could never date Kat.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Maybe the hat was a bit much.

KAT: I'll make this quick and painless.

His memory will live
on in our margaritas.

Marty and Max should both
be sh*t out of a cannon

and I'll light the wick.

At least you had something
real with Marty.

The only romance I've ever had with Max

was the one in my mind, and
now I don't even have that.

Well, you can still fantasize about him.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Nope.

Oh.

Actually, I don't think I can.

What are you doing?

(CHUCKLES): Ooh, sorry.

Daniel's in Lexington for work
and he wanted a photo.

Things have been going
really great with us,

but I didn't want to make a big to-do

because, well, look at y'all.

Well, I'm happy for you.

I'm just trying to figure
out how to be around Max

and keep what I overheard a secret.

All you have to do is set your
internal thermostat on ice cold.

That's what my mama
did to our neighbor lady

after she called the cops
for a wellness check

'cause us kids were
running around the yard

without our shirts on.

Wait, someone called
the cops on you for that?

Mm. But it might've been 'cause one
of my sisters was at the time.

Hey. Just here for my dinner order.

Yep. Right here.

- All ready for you.
- Cool. Cool beans.

Yeah, Randi, Phil and I are
having a threesome tonight.

That's what I call three
people hanging out.

I'm trying to take words
with sexual connotation

and make them clean again.

Great.

Oh, and, uh, by the way,

sadly, I can't go to the monster
truck show this weekend.

Carter needs me to work.

Oh, well, that's actually a relief,

because I can't go, either.

But it was your idea.

Yeah. I know, but I do
some volunteer work

for the police department and
they have a new cold case

- that they need me to look at.
- Really?

Yeah, yeah. They call me
the Wolf down at the station

'cause I always catch the sheep.

- Uh, quick question, Max.
- Yeah.

What does "I could never date Kat" mean?

I mean, I don't mean to
make you uncomfortable,

it's just, uh, it's an interesting
choice of words.

"I could never." Because,
you know, technically,

uh, someone could do
anything that they want to.

Did Carter say something to you?

No.

Neil Cat-rick Harris was up in the vents

and he was wearing a GoPro,

so I caught your entire
conversation with Carter.

Kat, that's a little hard to believe.

- (CAT MEOWS)
- Easier now.

Neil, go home.

I love you, Kat.

There's never a dull moment
when we hang out.

You make everything fun.
Plus, you're crazy smart

and a really generous person, but...

I hate the word "but."

I just see you as a friend.

And-and considering my dating history,

my friendships last a lot longer
than my relationships,

so that's actually a much
better category to be in.

Because I hope that
we'll be friends forever.

Then why'd you just cancel on me?

I didn't want to lead you on.

I mean, is that what a
real friend would do?

Or-or would they have a-an honest
and-and perhaps difficult talk?

Because, you know, avoiding me

is-is a sure way to ruin our friendship.

(SIGHS) In that case,

I would love to go to the monster
truck show with you this weekend,

if the offer still stands.

(ANNOUNCER VOICE):
'Cause we'll have a blast!

Well, let me just see if I can,
uh, reschedule that police work

and, um, I'll get back to you.

One could argue that
was still pretty cool.

Oh...

I'd like to place a dinner order to go.

Hey, guess what.

Ooh, what's going on here?

Unfortunately, Twitter decided

the Neil Cat-rick Harris
thing was a PR stunt

rather than an attempt at
a meaningful conversation,

so they're calling for a boycott
of the café on Saturday.

PHIL: But do not worry.

I'm gonna make this right for you, Kat.

Randi is fixing to film my statement.

I'm gonna tell Lane and
Marty and all our followers

that I'm the reason we
cannot make that cake.

Phil, I can't let you do that.

Oh, hallelujah.

Thank you so much.

That's what I was hoping you'd say.

But what you are gonna do

is bake that wedding
cake for Lane and Marty.

- But I don't...
- No, listen.

Look, I just saw Max,

and I thought it was gonna be so painful

now that I know we'll
only ever be friends.

But when I left the Middle C,
I felt amazing.

Like I could really fly.

Like I had just been set free

from something that had been
holding me back and, Phil,

I want to set you free, too.

But even if I made that cake,
it wouldn't taste right.

I have to bake with love in my heart

and my heart is broke plumb in two.

Well, Phil, you love me,

'cause look what you were
just about to do for me.

And you love Randi a-and
the café. And all the cats.

And my mama.

My seven brothers and sisters.

My baby ducks.

You are surrounded by love, Phil.

I mean, the ducks thing is
kind of weird, but we got you.

- Here.
- (LINE RINGING)

Hello?

Hello, Lane?

This is the baker from Kat's Cat Café.

I would be honored to
bake your wedding cake

for you and your soon-to-be husband.

What'd I tell you? Dream team.

God, you look beautiful tonight.

- I know.
- (CHUCKLES)

Come here, you.

- (SCREAMS)
- (GRUNTS)

What the... ?

♪ ♪

- ♪ I want to say hello to the world ♪
- (APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

♪ And it feels so good... ♪

♪ Wave your hands and say ♪
♪ Hello to the world ♪

♪ Do the things you
always wish you would ♪

♪ Wave your hands and
say hello to the world ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hello to the world ♪

- ♪ Feels so ♪
- ♪ Feels so good ♪

♪ Feels so ♪

♪ Do the things you
always wish you would ♪

♪ Wave your hands and
say hello to the world. ♪