01x09 - First Date

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey. Welcome.

I'm just video-chatting with Oscar.

I met him at a club and I asked him out

because a-that's how I roll.

OSCAR (OVER PHONE):
Let me see your kitchen.

Um, here we are.

There's the fridge, the range.

- Nice.
- Yeah, and not to brag,

but I own my own island.

North side of the island's
a pretty chill vibe,

but on the south side of the
island, people get crazy.

(CHUCKLES): Very tropical.

Where to next, my captain?

Ooh, let me show you my outdoor space.

(BIRD COOING)

This is my favorite part
of the apartment.

- Nice view.
- Yeah, it is a nice view.

Sometimes I like to lean over
and look down into my café.

It makes me feel proud.
Can you see the front?

- Uh, not yet.
- Oh.

Um, can you see, there's, like, a...

there's, like, a cat statue by the door?

I can't quite tell.

(GRUNTS) Okay. Hang on. Just...

Whoa!

- (SOFT THUD)
- (BIRD COOS)

Oh, my gosh, are you okay?

All good, landed on the awning.

Looking a bird dead in the eye.
Freaking out a little bit.

I can see it. Shoo, bird!

Shoo, bird!

♪


Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean you don't shower

after you get out of the pool?

Do you shower after you take a bath?

I would if my bathtub
was open to the public.

I would if someone peed in my bathtub.

Thanks for joining in.

See you Friday? Oh, and
not to get you too excited,

but I got you a little something
for our six-month anniversary.

Well, not to get you too excited,

but I got you a little
something-something.

Oh, two somethings?

Yeah, I'm worth it.

(LAUGHS) Bye.

Uh-oh.

- What's wrong?
- I didn't get him a something-something,

I got him a nothing-nothing.

Because who gives a gift

for your six-month dating anniversary?

It's sweet. He really likes you.

Hmm, I just hope he's not one
of those lame-ass people

that also celebrates his half-birthday.

Yeah, so lame.

I'm not just saying that
'cause my half birthday

falls on Christmas and
no one ever remembers.

Have you noticed that there's
a big old sag in the awning?

Oh, well, Phil, sometimes
awnings have sags.

It doesn't mean something happened.

But it's a big old sag.
Like a piano fell from the sky.

Okay. Let it go, Phil.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, goody.

Oscar and I are on for tonight.

Ooh, what are you guys doing?

Just watching a movie at my place.

Look at you, taking
things to the next level.

What level? Movie level?
I-Is that a level?

Well, nowadays, watching
a movie on someone's couch

is kind of code for definitely
not watching a movie

on someone's couch.

Wait, what? I have never
heard of that before.

Yeah, it came as a surprise to me, too.

Henry came over last week
to watch Casablanca.

By the time we got to the love scene,

we were the love scene.

And we played it again.

Well, uh, this is just our first date.

And-and I'm a "sex on
the first date" virgin.

Not a virgin-virgin, you
know, just so you know.

Uh, yeah, thank you for
clearing that up. (CHUCKLES)

I'm changing it to dinner,
out, at a restaurant,

where they have a strict policy:

you know, no shoes, no shirt, no sex.

Okay, let's do a little thing.

Imagine Oscar with no clothes on.

How does that make you feel?

Warm.

Exactly. So why rule it out?

I just wasn't raised to move
so quickly in relationships.

My mother taught me to take it slow.

♪ If you give the man your milk ♪

♪ He won't want to buy the cow ♪

♪ And you'll make God cry. ♪

That is some old-fashioned thinking.

Sex isn't about rules,
it's about chemistry.

Hmm. I do like chemistry.

All those beakers and flasks.

The Bunsen burner, the eyeball rinse.

Okay. Look, Kat, I'm just saying that

if things are going well,
just don't rule it out.

'Cause I guarantee you,
-year-old Oscar

will definitely be thinking about it.

I'm with Randi on this.

You got to go for what you want.

After all, you could
walk outside tomorrow

and get hit by a meteor.

Maybe that's what
happened to the awning.

Hey, hey.

- Just here for my lunch.
- Yeah, it'll be right out.

Oh, I forgot to ask you,
would you like sliced onions,

diced onions, or caramelized
onions with that veggie burger?

- Uh, no onions, thank you.
- Yeah, that's not an option.

I got a new produce vendor
and those geniuses sent me

a pallet of onions when I was
only supposed to get a box.

So you've found yourself in
a bit of an onion pickle?

Or maybe an onion jam?

(LAUGHS)

Am I laughing? I'm not laughing.

They're not charging me for them,

but they're not taking them back.

Well, I'll take a box off your hands.

I'll make my Grandma
Silver's famous onion relish.

Oh, I have a recipe
for onion relish, too.

It's been in our family for generations.

Much like dry elbows.

Uh, might I suggest we
jar relish together?

I would relish that idea.
How 'bout tonight?

Uh, I can't tonight.

I have a-a thing tonight. A date.

Oh. Oh, yeah? With who?

Um, that guy Oscar.
From the pancake place.

Remember that night we both met people?

So, uh, what's going on with
you and Birdie, by the way?

Oh, nothing. That was just pancakes.

Yeah. With a lot of syrup.

My bad.

So, I'll, uh, text you

about doing the relish
thing. If that's okay?

Of course it's okay.

Why wouldn't it be okay? Are we okay?

- Uh, yeah, of course we're okay.
- Okay.

I'll look forward to the text.

Oh! And here is my takeout,

which I am going to take
out, as the name implies.

Have fun.

I mean, on your date.
Not just eating your lunch.

Yeah, that's what I assumed you meant.

You too, have fun.

I will do my best.

Dude, you're acting weird.

- No, I'm not.
- Yeah you are.

You're smile-talking.
My son used to do that

when I'd asked him if he used the potty.

Nine times out of ten,
I'd find a turd on the floor.

And I think it's because you
got a little rejected there.

And I don't think that tall
handsome guy is used to that.

(SCOFFS) What are you talking about?

You wanted to make relish.
She wasn't available.

Seems like the tables have turned.

Don't you have something
to do in the back?

And I would also like to point
out that "making relish"

sounds like a euphemism for sex.

I've got a keen ear for such things.

♪ ♪

♪ It ain't my fault that
I'm out here getting loose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on the Goose ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on my juice, baby ♪

- ♪ It ain't my fault ♪
- Hey!

♪ That I'm out here making news ♪

♪ I'm the pudding in the proof ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on my juice... ♪

(SONG STOPS)

Seems like you're ready
for your big date.

I just came up for an outfit check.

Oh, you don't have to
tell me I look good,

because I know I look good.

Do you know how I know?
Because I feel good.

I feel like Lizzo, Gloria
Steinem and Marie Curie

all rolled into one.

Well, I think those women

would have taken off their
mustache tape by now.

Oh, my gosh. I forgot I still had it on.

I used to help my mama with
hers at the end of every winter.

It's only supposed to
be on a few seconds.

I just told you I forgot I had it on.

- Well, how long has it been?
- I don't know.

I listened to that Lizzo
song, like, six times.

Six times!

- I know what to do.
- Ow. No.

You can't pull it off fast.

Promise me you won't pull it fast.

I won't pull it fast.

Is this gonna be one of those
things where you say

you won't pull it off fast,
but then you pull it off fast?

No, I promise. I won't pull it fast.

Good, because I don't know
where my skin ends

and this thing begins.

Oh! Oh, Phil! Oh...

We both knew how this was gonna go down.

We both knew.

Everything okay?

Uh-huh.

That's just how I eat soup.

No, actually, I... I need
to tell you something.

- Is it about your upper lip?
- It's about my upper lip.

Yeah.

Um...

I'm a mentor to a group
of wayward girls.

And I was teaching them
how to toast marshmallows,

and they were like, "Marshmallow fight!"

And I was like, "No, that's dangerous."

But they didn't listen, and
an on-fire marshmallow...

(POPS LIPS) ... stuck to my face.

Sorry about that.

It actually looks like when my
sisters would wax their mustaches

and leave the wax on too long.

Or... that's exactly what happened.

And when I said that they
would wax their mustaches,

what I mean is that I would
wax their mustaches

because they were too afraid
to pull it off themselves.

(LAUGHS) But you can't
pull it off yourself.

Like, your hand won't let you.

Yeah, that's what they said.

That's really sweet that you
would do that for your sisters.

I'm actually an only child,
which I always hated,

'cause there was no one to go
first or learn anything from.

You also didn't have anyone
constantly getting in your business.

My sisters keep texting me
asking how this is going.

(CHUCKLES)

Good question. So, how is it going?

I think it's going great.

By the way, I've never had a
woman ask me out before.

Couple of dudes, but never a woman.

Well, I want to hear those
stories, so hold that thought.

Because right now, this woman
is going to the woman's room.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh! Oh! Sorry.

- Sorry. Sorry about that.
- Oh, here...

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Sorry.

This reminds me of when
we met and you punched me.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Okay on your lip?

Um...

you'll have to do it again to see.

Like, right now.

Like, do it.

From here on out, you can
address me as Queen Randi,

Ruler of Dope Gifts for Dope Boyfriends.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

We are not worthy.

(LAUGHS) I paid my brother to
stand in line for four hours

for these new release sneakers.

And not that gift-giving
is a competition,

but I just won.

Ooh! Well, those are fly.

Can I be your boyfriend next?

Uh, no.

Damn. These are my size. And my style.

Hey, don't drool on Daniel's shoes.

You cannot give those shoes to your man.

Randi, have you not heard the saying,

"If you give your lover shoes,

they'll use them to walk away"?

I have not heard that saying.
But I have heard the saying,

"Step on a cr*ck, break
your mama's back."

So does that mean you
don't step on cracks?

Funny thing about that, I actually
went to school with a guy...

No, uh-uh.

Well, I've never heard the shoe thing,
but now that I think about it,

the last gift that I gave Stephanie
before she asked for a separation

was a pair of espadrilles.

Well the receipt says "non-refundable"

and "superstitions aren't real,"

so my boo is gonna be
kickin' it in his new kicks.

♪ And he will walk miles ♪

♪ Just to get away
from your front door. ♪

Give me those.

I don't really believe that,

I just thought of the song
and wanted to sing it.

Mm-hmm.

- (VOCALIZING "I'M GONNA BE ( MILES)")
- Oh!

(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)

So...

did we kiss while merging
onto the freeway?

We did.

- Was that safe?
- I don't know. I had my eyes closed.

(LAUGHS)

Um, so...

I just want you to know that, um...

I'm feeling really good.

Me, too.

Like we have chemistry.

Same.

So...

I'm totally on board for first-date sex.

(VOICE SQUEAKS): Uh... okay.

I-I mean, like, if you are.

I just thought, like, guys
think about sex all the time.

No.

We think about other stuff, too.

But now I'm just thinking about sex.

Great. Let me, uh...
show you to the bedroom.

Hey, beautiful. What took you so long?

You know, actually, I...
I might like to walk off dinner.

I like to do a full circle
around the living room

before entering the bedroom.

You know, get the, uh,
get the old blood pumping

before we get the blood pumping.

Are you having second thoughts?
Because we can totally wait.

(CHUCKLES): No. I'm fine, I'm fine.

Just give me a minute.

I'm gonna freshen up, as ladies do.

No problem. I'll, uh, be out here,

looking at my phone, as... men do.

You saw Max in my
bedroom as well, right?

Okay.

Okay, you need to get it together, lady.

You are way into Oscar,

so it makes no sense that you
should be thinking about Max

at a time like this.

SHEILA: ♪ If you give
the man your milk ♪

♪ He won't want to buy the cow. ♪

Mother, get out of here.

There is no point in
these crazy thoughts.

Max's heart will forever belong to me.

Go play with your cute Oscar boy.

Who are you?

Oh, this is Max's ex-girlfriend
Brigitte, who lives in my mind.

She makes me nuts,

but I'm also trying to learn from her.

I'm with you, Kat.

I would hold out indefinitely for me.

You know, just in case.
'Cause... it's me.

(KNOCKING)

OSCAR: Everything okay in there?

Uh, yeah. Be right out.

Not doing anything weird in here.

Just, uh, brushing my teeth.

Then you're gonna need this.

Carter, why are you here?

To point out that you do
make a lot of excuses

to come over to the bar
in the middle of the day

to hang out with Max.

Good point.

No, I don't.

Oh. So it's to hang out with me, then?

(EXHALES)

You are an optimistic human woman

who has the opportunity
to have some intimate fun

with your cute Oscar boy.

Don't mess this up.

(EXHALES)

I'm ready. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)

Let's do this, Max.

Who's Max?

I'm sorry, what?

♪ ♪

It's the jalapeño that gives
it the unexpected kick.

Cool.

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

How was the date?

Uh...

Something happen?

Kind of.

Something good?

Not really.

You know, actually, you
might have a take on this.

Maybe. Lay it on me.

Well, uh...

Oscar and I were having
a lovely dinner, and...

then we came back here,

things were getting kind of steamy,

and I went to say his name and...

accidentally called him something else.

Something offensive?

No. Just... another name.

A guy's name. That was not his.

Oh, boy. Yeah, I could see how
that would throw a little water

- on the campfire.
- (CHUCKLES)

Could've used a little water.

Could see the smoke coming off
his shoes as he ran out of here.

So... whose name was it?

I'm not telling you.
That's not important.

That part doesn't matter.

Was it mine?

What?!

Well, otherwise you
would've just told me.

No! Gosh.

You can be such a narcissist.

(CHUCKLES) It was yours.

Okay.

I mean, I'm sure you're freaked out.

If you want to leave, that's fine.

You know, men seem to love

just running out of my apartment lately.

I'm not freaked out.

I mean, I'm also not
comfortable with the way

you're waving that Kn*fe around.

Kat, I'm sorry that that happened.

But I'm glad that you told me.

I mean, it actually kind of makes sense

that you would say my
name at a time like that.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Look, you're with this
new guy who you liked,

but maybe, on a deeper level,

you want to be with somebody
who you know really well,

somebody you trust.

Like me.

You're so right.

It had nothing to do with you.

It had to do with how well I know you.

I am not a sex-on-the-first-date
kind of person.

I need to take a step back with Oscar

and just get to know him better.

I'm gonna go call him right now.

- Max?
- Yeah?

Thank you so much.

It's just, it's really nice to be
able to share this stuff with you.

I'll tell you exactly what
he said after we talk.

Glad I could help.

♪

- What's wrong with her?
- I don't know.

She's been like that for two minutes.

I was about to start dusting her.

Randi, are you okay?

Uh...

I just don't know what to do.

I was on my way to give Daniel his gift,

but now I have it stuck in my head

that if I give him shoes,
that's bad luck.

Oh, yeah, you can't give him
shoes... he'll walk away.

It's just a silly superstition.

Or, as I call it, a "shoe-perstition."

Okay, was going for a smile there.

It didn't work.

Well, I don't believe
in shoe-perstitions,

or superstitions,

but Daniel and I are about
to move in together.

So what if I move in with him,
and then all of a sudden

we start fighting all the time?

And then I start going
through his phone,

finding all these texts from
this woman that he works with,

but they don't sound like work texts.

And then all of a sudden
I'm sitting around going,

"I shouldn't have given
him them damn shoes."

Then do not give him those shoes.

In fact, burn them and
throw the ashes in the river

and wash that bad juju out of your life.

Okay, Phil.

Yeah, let's just take
shoes out of the equation.

We'll find another present. Uh, hey.

Buttons' skin condition just cleared up.

He's ready for adoption.

Come on, cats fix everything.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Happy
six-month anniversary, Daniel!

(CHUCKLES) Look, I'm
already wrapped... in fur!

- Oh, honey, she is not amused.
- No.

♪ ♪

(IMITATES CHEERING CROWD, LAUGHS)

Hey, uh, thanks for
being so understanding

about the Max thing.

We're just, we're really good friends.

You'd probably actually get along well.

I'm sure we would... Donna.

Oh. Ha-ha!

I see what you did there, Oscar.

Wait.

I don't know your middle name.
Do you have a middle name?

Bruno.

Oscar Bruno Martinez.

Katherine Edith Silver.

See, that's what I wanted.

Just, like, a... like,
a sex-free chance...

to get to know each other better.

That sounds like a good plan,
because I really like you.

Oh. Not sure how much
you're gonna like me

when I wipe the floor with you.

Not gonna lie, it's hot
when you talk trash.

Oh, really?

Would it be hot if I said you
should stay off the court

and stick to dancing around

in your little mascot costume?

That is, like, really, really sexy.

It's a little hurtful, but it's sexy.

(LAUGHS)

Is it gonna be sexy if I try
and steal the ball from you?

Wait, is kissing allowed while
we're getting to know each other?

(LAUGHS) Absolutely.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

You're deceptive and sneaky.
I'm learning new things about you.

(WHOOPS)

Happy six month anniversary.

This... is for you.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Onions.

Kind of weird.

Kind of like something you
get somebody as a gift

during the Great Depression.

Well, it's symbolic for relationships.

You keep peeling back the
layers to get what you need,

and they get sweeter
when you heat them up.

And I also brought some eggs,

cream and mushrooms,
because I'm gonna make you

a mean onion frittata tomorrow morning.

Because after tonight,
you're gonna be hungry.

I was skeptical at first,

but I'm coming around
to this onion gift.

- I got you a little something, too.
- (LAUGHS) Oh.

Sneakers?

My mom used to say,
"Give your lover shoes,

they'll forever walk by your side."

It's kind of hard to hear your
mama use the word "lover,"

but I always liked the sentiment.

Me, too.

- I can't wait to share it with my friends.
- (CHUCKLES)

Thank you.

You know what?

I am gonna send them a
picture of these right now.

(LAUGHS)

♪ But I would walk miles ♪

♪ And I would walk more ♪

♪ Just to be the man ♪

♪ Who walked a thousand miles ♪

♪ To fall down at your door... ♪

Here are your chicken wings.

They look like onion rings.

Fried food is fried food.

He's right.

We'll just dip them in something.

♪ But I would walk miles ♪

♪ And I would walk more ♪

♪ Just to be the man who
walked a thousand miles ♪

Now, don't be jealous.
They're just friends.

The only thing I'm
jealous of is his shoes.

DANIEL: I know.

Those are dope. I've been
trying to get a pair,

but I can't find them anywhere.

Well, I guess you just weren't
meant to have them.

(KAT AND MAX VOCALIZING)

♪ Yeah ♪

(VOCALIZING)

♪ But I would walk miles ♪

♪ And I would walk more ♪

♪ Just to be the man who walked ♪

♪ A thousand miles ♪

♪ To fall down ♪

(TEMPO SLOWING): ♪ At your door... ♪