02x01 - Call Me Kerfuffled

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so you remember
last night at the cat funeral?

I was mad at Oscar because
he said that Mr. Meowskers was

"just a cat," but, of course,
Max handled it perfectly.

But then Oscar saved the day
because he drove to Chicago

to get the cat's ashes, and then
Max said he wanted to kiss me.

Wait, what?!

Yes, Max!

Max! Max! Max! Ma-a*!

Okay, okay, I'm all Maxed out.

Sorry, I was up all night.
I'm hopped up on coffee.

- Are you done with this?
- I just got it.

All right, come again.

My heart's going a mile
a minute, I need to slow down.

Do you want me to slap you?

No, 'cause you never take
your rings off.

How could he do that to you?

Who did what to who?

Max told Kat that he wanted
to kiss her last night.

(gasps)
How romantic.

No, it's not!

But she's liked Max forever.

But she has a boyfriend.

And Oscar is wonderful.

Yeah, but Max wears
those tight jeans.

Well, Oscar has
those delivery man calves.

Okay, stop! You sound
like the inside of my head.

Look at you, Kat.

Two pigs nosing
around your trough.

I know, I'm not used
to having such a busy trough!

Well, I say love
the one you're with.

Please don't start singing.

What I have with Oscar is real.

You know, Max has been
the dream for so long.

I say go with the dream.

I'm sorry, I don't like to

get involved in
other people's business,

but I'm a big believer

in dream-following.

He loves to get
into other people's business.

Oh, my gosh.
You look just like...

Wait, are you...?

- I'm not.
- He is.

And you're...

- She's not.
- I am.

(screams)

Okay, wait,
what's going on over here?

These two were on my favorite
TV show when I was growing up!

I was on it, I was on it, too.

- I was on the show.
- Oh, which episode?

All of them.

I was, I was the older brother.

Yeah, I'm not remembering that.

Oh, no, I get it, you know?
She talked real fast.

He was an idiot.
I was just a boring, old,

heartfelt, three-dimensional
character, whatever.

Joey, I was so obsessed

with you. I had posters
of you all over my room.

There was one where
you were going like this.

I had that on the ceiling
right over my bed.

Wow, that's flattering.
(laughs)

- And disturbing.
- What are y'all doing
in Louisville?

Oh, we're here for a celebrity
charity golf tournament.

You know, it's our way to give
back, be part of the solution.

Plus I get balls
with my face on them.

Is Matthew McConaughey
gonna be there?

I don't know.

Well, if-if he is,
would you tell him

that Phil Crumpler is very sorry

about what happened at the 1996

Tennessee State Fair?

First thing I'll mention
when I see him.

Any chance you'd do the dance
with me? I know it by heart.

Oh, I only dance for money.
Wait, that came out wrong.

No, what I'm trying
to say is-is I only do it

if I'm getting paid. Damn it.

Why don't I take a picture
of all of you together?

- Oh, yeah, yeah!
- Oh, a picture...

uh, okay, okay, here.

Use my phone, though,
it's auto-set

to accentuate my cheekbones.

Ooh, I'm gonna have
Joey Lawrence's number

when he sends it to me.

That's okay,
you can use your phone.

KAT:
Okay.

- All right, here we go.
- Um, wait, no, uh,

- wait, I want
to be next to Joey.
- Okay, oh!

I'm gonna get cropped
right out of this thing.

All right, one, two, three.

(laughter, clamoring)

Um, so whatever happened
to the girl with the flower hat?

I heard she was hosting
quiz shows.

Well, it doesn't matter.

The show was really
just a vehicle for you.

You know,
I always felt that way.

I got to tell you something,
though, it's very nice

to hear it from, uh,
regular people.

Can I get you
free refills on the house?

- They're always on the house.
- Just let her have this.

- Coffee coming right up.
- Oh, hey!

- She knows the dance.
- How about that!

JOEY: Whoa, look at that,
she knows the whole dance!

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, wow.
(whooping)

Pet some cats, you said.

It'll be relaxing, you said.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

This trash bag

is overflowing like an outhouse

in a rainstorm.

Not it.

Yes, you is "it."

I had to take the trash out
four times last week

because you kept disappearing.

Where you been going anyway?

It don't matter
where I be going.

I'll take it out.

Really?

Sure, I finished my coffee

and if I go home now,

it's just me and the emptiness

of my declining years.

Look who I found
with two paws in the catio

and two paws on the sidewalk?

Today is not the day
for hijinks.

Sorry, Hijinks,
not talking to you.

Houdini chewed
through the screen again?

Yes. We need to keep
the catio doors closed

until he is adopted.

I mean, where are you going
that's better than here?

When I found you,
you were eating scraps

at the back of a Hooters.

And if that's
not hitting bottom, what is?

(phone ringing)

Oh, sh**t, it's Oscar.

What if he knows something's up?

Don't answer.

Well, then he'll really
know something's up,

I love to answer the phone!

Hi, boyfriend of mine.

My boo-thang, my booger-bear.

I thought we were gonna vet
nicknames

before we put 'em
in the rotation.

Yeah, sorry, I don't know what
I'm saying, too much coffee.

And a personal romantic crisis

for which there is no precedent.

I just found out
there's a meteor shower tonight.

And I thought maybe we could
watch it on your roof.

- Hello?
- Um...

- Kat?
- Yeah.

I'm here, I'm here, uh...

that sounds really fun, yeah.

I'll, uh...

I'll meteor you up there.

I'll see you tonight,
booger-bear.

Nope, still weird.

Hey, Kat, what muffin
do you want tomorrow?

- Blueberry or lemon poppyseed?
- I don't know!

How many decisions do I have
to make in one day?!

Wait, what are you
over here yelling about?

You're scaring the customers
and the cats.

I'm sorry, just this
whole Oscar-Max situation's

got me "kerfuffled."

Why don't you
just take the day off?

Why don't you take the day off?!

You know what, I think
I should take the day off.

Yeah, uh, Randi and I can
handle the café.

Okay, thank you. Here's the list

of what I wanted
to get done today and,

and tell the cats I'm sorry.

And Mommy's not mad at them.

Ew!

She really does handle all
the gross stuff.

I don't even know
what the "furry finger test" is.

Anything else I can do?

You sure?

Yeah. I retired early.

Huge mistake.
Taking out that trash

was the most rewarding thing
I've done all week.

Well, I suppose we could find
a few more things for you to do.

I'll get right on it.

Ooh, the shake and sniff!

I can't wait to find out
what that is!

(whoops)
I feel naughty.

Like when I used to put on

one of Mama's cocktail dresses
and smoke.

So you just walked up to her

at her cat's funeral and said,
"I want to kiss you"?

I did, I wanted to say it,
and I said it.

And?

Nothing.

And then she avoided me
the whole rest of the party.

And then this morning was weird.

You know, usually she's like...

You know,
sometimes there's even a kick.

But...

- today she ducked.
- Mm.

Or tripped.
With her it's hard to tell.

And you're not used
to hearing no.

Well, that's not true.

Hey, would you like
another drink?

I shouldn't.

(chuckles)
Okay, maybe just one more.

See? This is why

I hired a bartender
with no experience.

You know Kat has a boyfriend.

Yes, I am aware of that.

But we have
such an amazing connection.

And why wouldn't I want
to be with somebody who...

makes me laugh
and makes me feel good?

- (phone dings)
- (laughs)

- What was that?
- Nothing.

(laughs)

Who are you texting with?

Jimmy the beer guy.

Are you and Jimmy the beer guy
having sex?

Because that's
your "I'm getting some" giggle.

All right, look,
I'm gonna tell you something.

But you got to swear
on the sanctity of our bromance

that you won't say anything.

It's Randi.

Really?

(both laughing)

She said she would die of shame

before she'd even give you
the time of day.

I guess she lowered
her standards.

Up top for lower standards.

For the first time in my life,

I have two men interested in me,
I just...

I don't know who to pick.

May I first say, bravo.

And second,
you've come to the right place.

Are either of them old money?

- No.
- New money?

- No.
- Any money?

Mother, you know both of them.

Forgive me for wanting you

to be taken care of
after I'm gone.

I own my own business.

And it's adorable.

Okay, come on,
I need real advice.

Okay, fine. Um...

well, maybe it's as simple as...

just imagining
what your life would be like

with each one of them.

Hmm.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

I picked up the antacids
and scrunchies you asked for.

And I got you a Kit Kat.

Oh, I love foods

with my name in them.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Sorry I'm late. I stopped
a train from derailing,

and saved these kittens.

BOTH:
Aw!

Oh, and I got you a Kit Kat.

Wow, thanks.

Hey, uh, what's for dinner?

I was gonna make veggie burgers.

I was thinking I'd fly you
to Japan for sushi.

And then to France for dessert.

Oh, so hard to choose.

I've got two kinds of mustard.

Did I mention I can fly?

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Damn it, Joey Lawrence,
don't make this harder

than it already is.

Again, I can fly.

And we have reservations
in Japan in six minutes.

Then I guess we should go.

How do I compete with that?

You don't.

You want to take a selfie?

I do.

(camera clicks)

SHEILA:
Katharine?

Katharine?

What were you doing?

Oh, you said to imagine.

Oh, I meant on your own time.

That was boring for me.

Well...

- did it at least help?
- No!

Now I'm more confused than ever.

I'm sorry, honey.

The universe has a sense
of humor though, doesn't it?

All those years
of pining over Max,

then the minute
you have a boyfriend,

he's interested.

Come here.

Did my mother
just say something helpful?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can I come in?

Sure, yeah.

Can I get you some water?

No, I need
a clear head for this.

Right. Something less strong.

Uh, tea? Coffee?

No more caffeine.
I'm starting to smell colors.

Happy to see you.

Unless I'm not happy to see you.

I can't read your face.

And usually it's easy to read,
it's basically a pop-up book.

I need to ask you something.

Okay.

sh**t.

Why now?

Why after all this time,

do you want to be with me?

Uh...

well, because...

we are great together.

We're Kat and Max.

But we've always been
Kat and Max.

Why now?

I... (stammers)

Does it matter?

I mean, it wasn't that long ago

that you said
you wanted to be with me.

And you said that we were
better off friends.

What changed?

(exhales)

I don't know.

I guess, I guess
I just saw you with Oscar...

-That's what changed!
I have a boyfriend!
-Whoa!

- I have a boyfriend!
- Okay, okay...

okay, but what's wrong with me

not wanting to lose you?

Max, I've been considering

blowing up
my entire relationship

with a guy who makes me
really, really happy.

You know what,
I was gonna do that

for a fantasy... like, I don't
even believe you can fly!

But I know that Oscar has
at least two kinds of mustard.

Okay, you're doing
that thing again,

where it makes sense to you,

but not the person
you're talking to.

You want to be with me

because I'm not available.

Okay, that's harsh.

But I think it's true.

So you're staying with Oscar?

I am.

Okay.

I'm sorry that I made things
hard for you.

Well, it's kind of
a nice change of pace.

I usually do it to myself.

(both laugh)

Are we okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we're fine.

I'm-I'm really happy
that you're happy though.

Thank you.

Now I'm gonna go home
and take a nap.

I've been awake for 30 hours.

And the paint on your walls
is starting

to smell like purple...
Like, bad purple.

(door closes)

Should we feel bad

that Wyatt is
doing all of our work?

You heard him...
He retired too early.

If anything, we're helping him.

We're good people.

The best!

What would you do
if you retired?

From what?

I don't even know what I want
to do with my life.

I thought you were going
to art school.

Well, yes,
but I still haven't decided

what kind of art I want to do...
I mean, there's photography,

painting, ceramics, sculpture...

I'm sure you'll figure it out,
honey.

When, Phil? When?!

All right, the floor is swept,

litter boxes are scooped.

I had to wait
for the orange one.

He sure takes his time.

Anything else
before we close up?

Unless you want to pick
my major, that's everything.

Wait.

Why is the catio door open?

Oh, no, oh, no.

In our haste to be lazy,
we forgot

to tell him about Houdini.

Well, maybe he didn't escape.

Of course he escaped!

His name is Houdini!

Here, kitty, kitty.

Houdini, we got tuna.

Smelly, fishy, disgusting tuna.

What are y'all doing out here?

Tuna break.

Nothing like canned fish
to top off the workday.

Mmm.

You want some?

I'll join you tomorrow.

I hate tuna, but I hate
being left out even more.

He's not in the dumpsters!

I'll check the garbage cans
out front!

What was that?

What was what?

How you doing?

I'm actually feeling pretty
good... I had a nice, long nap.

I had an apple
with some almond butter.

Girl, I don't care
about naps and nut butter!

I'm talking about Max and Oscar.

Oh, oh, yeah, I've decided

I'm staying with Oscar.

We're actually gonna watch
the meteor shower later tonight.

I'm glad you figured that out.

You were scary today.

Hey, Kat.

Did you visit Max earlier?

Yeah.

Had a nice little chat, did ya?

I think it went pretty well.

Wrong! He just quit!

- He quit?!
- Yeah.

You owe me a bartender.

Well, if you can find Wyatt,
he might do it.

(groans) What, do you have
a key to the building?

- (sighs) Can I come in?
- No, I'm busy.

With what?
You just quit your job.

Well, that news traveled fast.

- I think we should talk.
- I don't want to talk.

All right.

- Aha! Did the same thing
with your doorman!
- Ah! Slippery.

Wait.

What is all this?
Where are you going?

I'm gonna take off,
give us a little space.

Oh, Max, don't do this.

I don't want to get in the way
of you and Oscar being happy.

You can tell yourself that
all you want,

but when things get difficult
or uncomfortable, you bolt.

- Do not.
- Oh, please, it's what you do!

Get a D on a test,
you drop the class.

That professor hated me.

One bad gig at a nightclub
and you give up on music.

People threw fruit!

Where did they even get fruit?!

Then you run off to Paris,

Brigitte breaks up with you,
and you run back here.

How am I supposed to stay here
after what I did?

I mean, what do we do?

Just pretend it never happened?

Yeah, welcome
to the last year of my life!

When you rejected me,

I was hurt and embarrassed,

but I got through it.

And it was worth it because...

you are my best friend.

You're my best friend, too.

And if leaving is
what you really want to do,

I will support you.

But I would miss
seeing you every day.

When you're not yelling at me,
we do have a lot of fun.

So are we packing or unpacking?

Unpacking.

Great.

And I'm sorry...

what is this shirt?

That's a real panty-dropper
in Budapest.

Oh.

I guess gravity
works differently over there.

Hey, buddy.
What are you doing up here?

Mm, aren't we friendly?

I'm waiting for my girlfriend,

who's also a Kat... a human Kat.

She's kind,

beautiful, really funny...

She's also a little late.

Any idea where she is?

Wait, am I supposed
to follow you?

Oscar, have you seen
a black and gray cat?

Yeah, he went that way.

You had him and you let him go?!

I didn't know he was on the lam.

There he is!

Don't you jump!

That nine lives thing
may not be true!

BOTH:
No!

Oh, dang!
Now he's on that ledge?

And he's on the move.

You see, I try to like cats,
I really do.

Maybe you're right.

I do run when things get tough.

Like...

I wish
I'd stuck with songwriting.

You were really good at it, too.

I just, I got

so tired of being rejected

that I convinced myself
I didn't really want it.

Well, you should try again.

I mean, think of all the
heartache you've had this year.

Brigitte dumped you, I rejected
you, you're unemployed.

That's, like, enough
for a Taylor Swift album.

Only you can make
those things sound positive.

Mm, positivity is my drug.

That and Christmas movies
in July.

Just July?

Okay, year-round.
I have a problem.

(chuckles)

I hope Oscar knows
what he's getting into.

Oscar!

Oscar who's on my roof right now
probably wondering

where the hell I am! Got to run.

Glad you're staying.
Burn that shirt.

(door closes)

Don't you listen to her...
You're awesome.

I don't know why I have
to be the dangler!

Because I have
trust issues with you.

Randi, you're gonna fall back
and Phil will catch you.

- Got it.
- One, two...

- three.
- Oh!

Hey!

Don't got it.

Just remember,
you fell onto carpet.

I will become street pizza.

(singsongy):
Houdini.

(giggles) Come here.

Damn it, Phil,
why aren't you taller?

My mother smoked!

Kitty, kitty, kitt... I got him!

I got him... oh! Don't got him.

Well...

this is a different kind of day.

I'm here, I'm here.

Oh, good, I thought
you were gonna miss it.

(exhales)

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

So it says here on your résumé
that you quit your last job

and you left
your employer/friend

high and dry.

I said I'm sorry.

It also says that your height
and good looks are annoying.

Not the first time
I've heard that.

Can I have my job back?

No.

Okay, yes. Damn that smile!

So how was the golf tournament?

Did you by chance get to talk
to Matthew McConaughey?

Gosh, you know,
he was really busy.

Oh, yeah, that's okay.

I'm sure he's
forgotten about it anyway.

(chuckles)
Totally.

(laughs)

You know,
when I mentioned Phil's name,

he threw his golf clubs
in the lake

and then he head-butted
Ted Danson.

I can't believe they came back.

Should I pitch them my idea
for a TV show?

- No, you should not.
- But it's really good.

No, it is not.

Can you just try to be normal.

You know how hard
that is for me.

It's really hard.

Oh, yay!

Whoa, she's at it again!

- Oh!
- There it is.

I still got it.

I think I'm gonna
adopt this fella.

Oh!

Well, that's fantastic!

Celebrity cat.

Hey, that would be a great show.

Normal!

Well, we're gonna miss

this little ball of fur.

Houdini's created quite a bit
of excitement around here.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar,
come meet the stars

of my favorite TV show
when I was growing up.

Oscar, this is Joey

and Jenna and...

Michael.

Right, right, Michael.
The older brother.

- Ah!
- Nice to meet you all.

Nice meeting you, too.
Congrats on being chosen, man.

Thanks.

- Chosen for what?
- Um, dodgeball.

We're thinking
of starting a team.

Can you go grab me
a coffee, please?

Way to go, Joey Lawrence.

Ow!

♪ When I'm walkin' with you ♪

♪ I watch
the whole room change ♪

♪ Baby, that's what you do ♪

♪ No, my baby ♪

♪ Don't play ♪

♪ Blame it on my confidence ♪

♪ Oh, blame it
on your measurements ♪

♪ Shut that... down on sight ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ We out here
drippin' in finesse ♪

♪ It don't make no sense ♪

♪ Out here drippin' in finesse ♪

♪ You know, you know it. ♪