01x08 - Keep Beef-lievin' Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live,
oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay,
oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

Bigfoot Brigade roll call.

Moon?
Present.

Bigfoot?
If you're in the trap,

you're supposed to say
"present."

Hey. This is a Bigfoot trap,
not a squirrel buffet, ya mooch.

[groans]

Now I've got to get more bait.

[gasps]
Something dug up my bait box.

A squirrel
couldn't have done that.

Large tracks.
Aggressive bait theft.

[gasps] Curious fur.
It's finally happening!

Bigfoot was here!

Bigfoot. It's happening.

[grunts] I fell over.

Okay, getting back up now.
Here we go.

Bigfoot, Bigfoot, Bigfoot!

There's a chocolate mummy
hidden inside,

and it releases a flood
of dangerously delicious

caramel pudding if you
don't slice it exactly right.

I call it
the Pharaoh's Curse-tard Cake.

There's only one way to
describe a curse like that:

flan-derful. [chuckles]

I came up with it
in my thinking hole.

That's the hole I dug to think in.

Sadly, I kind of misplaced
my hole.

- How do you misplace a hole?
- How do we do anything?

Oh, it keeps me up at night,

- this human experiment.
- [phone chimes]

Huh. My brother just texted me,
asking for the address here.

Oh, he must be sending me
a package.

Jerry loves sending gifts out
of the blue and spreading joy.

When I was sad
about Lost ending,

he gave me four hermit crabs.

I named them Sawyer, Kate,

- Hurley and The Hatch.
- [door opens, closes]

MOON:
Bigfoot encountered!

Bigfoot...
[gasps] encountered.

Whoa! For real?
Uh, male or female?

The females have
very large breasts.

I've read a lot of,
uh, scientific websites.

- Those aren't science sites, babe.
- Uh, no, they are.

Yeah. One of them's
even run by a doctor.

Dr. Stroke Masterson, DDS.

- What did you see, Moon?
- Very large footprints.

And I found this fur!

It was stuck on a branch,
which was near my bait box,

which was broken into.

I knew
Bigfoot would like crackers.

Oh, Bigfoot's palate is
remarkably diverse.

He'll eat the hair off your head
if it has enough sauce on it.

Uh, why would your hair have
any sauce on it, Ham?

Everyone's hair naturally has
a little sauce on it.

Can someone please add
my sighting

to the family
Bigfoot Sighting board?

I got to get
my plaster of Paris.

I need that footprint for evidence!

I didn't know you guys were
a bunch of Bigfoot believers.

Oh, sure. I used to
spend hours in the woods

waiting for Bigfoot
when I was little.

So it makes me very happy that
Moon's still a true believer.

And I enjoy the "what if,"

the possibility that there
might be something out there

that we can't explain.

Like that thing that happens
when I eat asparagus?

Son, that's very common.

Farting through my penis?

- Oh. No.
- Bye!

You get that
Sasquatch footprint, Moon!

I prefer to call it "Bigfoot."

It sounds less like "ass crotch."
But thanks!

- So, check this out.
- Is that brie cheese?

My mom's boyfriend Jamie
always brings her brie cheese.

Sometimes I find it in front
of the fireplace in the morning.

It's Bigfoot's footprint.
I found it in the woods.

I'm a little skeptical.
I mean, where are the toes?

On his feet, Henry.

When I trap him, you can
come see them in person.

[patronizing] Sure, Moon.
We'll see your Bigfoot.

Wait, are you guys
having doubts about...

Uh-oh, Henry,
here comes your crush.

She's everyone's crush.

She's the most talented
and beautiful girl at school.

- And the meanest.
- So mean.

So, so mean.

Hi, Debbie.
I see you got your skates on.

Wow. Great sleuthing,
Detective Ice Skate Idiot.

They're new.
That's how you break them in

if you're the All-Region
Junior Ice Girls Champion.

What's that, a big wet cookie?

It's a plaster cast
of Bigfoot's foot.

- Where'd you get it?
- I made it.

I found his tracks near my house.

Okay. Well, there's
no such thing as Bigfoot.

So, wh-where'd you get
your ice skates?

The, uh, ice skate... shop?

Russell, if you ask me about
my ice skates one more time,

I'm gonna tell everyone
how you tucked in your

Beanie Babies during the
multi-family camping trip.

Believing in Bigfoot
is for little kids, Moon.

You know what?
When I trap Bigfoot

and become the most
famous person in town,

I'll accept your apology.

I'll apologize now.
Sorry your head is so round

that I'm worried
I'm going to end up bowling you.

Ugh, she's an angel.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hi.

Ooh, is that your handiwork?

Yes. I made it this morning

to show everyone
that Bigfoot is real,

but no one at school
believes me.

You know, Moon,
I've noticed that, sometimes,

people get a kick
out of being skeptical.

Case in point:
the time I brought a photo

of Drew Barrymore to school
that I had taken

with my very own
camera at the mall.

And not a single soul
believed that it was her.

Yes, she was wearing a hat.

But what am I gonna do,
ask her to take her hat off?

"Excuse me, Ms. Drew Barrymore,

would you please remove your hat?"

Would you ask the sun
to remove her hat?

Would you ask
the rain to remove her hat?

JUDY: But then when the
movie Big Miracle,

uh, the one about the whales
that, oh, hey,

was filmed here in Alaska,
came out,

there was a picture
of Drew Barrymore in Us Weekly

wearing the very same hat.

Basically, what I'm trying
to say is trust your gut

and don't worry about the haters.

Yep. Let your haters
be your alligators.

I think the saying is "Let
your haters be your motivators."

Right, because if alligators
were chasing you,

you'd be pretty motivated.

Bigfoot, meet big trap.

♪ Everyone doubted me,
but I stuck to my goal ♪

♪ And now I've got Bigfoot
trapped in a hole ♪

♪ Take my hand, hairy friend,
and I'll pull you out ♪

♪ Then we'll go show the haters
and erase all the doubt ♪

♪ I can't talk,
but I love to sing ♪

♪ When it comes to Bigfoot traps ♪

♪ Moon is the king ♪

♪ At the risk
of sounding boastful ♪

♪ I must admit he's right ♪

♪ I've been perfecting traps ♪

♪ In my dreams every night ♪

♪ We go everywhere together ♪

♪ I even come to school ♪

♪ All those nonbelievers
now think I'm really cool ♪

♪ What up, y'all? ♪

♪ Moon's really cool
and I like him a lot ♪

♪ I can't believe I doubted him,
he's superhot ♪

♪ I set out to trap Bigfoot
but I learned in the end ♪

♪ That I trapped
more than Bigfoot ♪

♪ I trapped a best friend ♪

♪ You're about to wake up now,
as we soar in the air ♪

♪ So go check your trap ♪

♪ There might be
something there. ♪

[bells tinkling, bell clanging]

My trap. He's here.

Everybody up!
This is not a drill!

I got him!
The foot is in the sock!

I put on lipstick.
Is that weird?

- Bigfoot's gonna love it.
- JUDY: Oh.

I shouldn't have
shaved my legs this week.

I really want to show
that I'm hair-positive.

[groaning sounds]

Something is definitely in there.

Sorry about the trap, bud!

We'll have you out in no time!

- [groan]
- [Judy gasps]

- Oh, no. It sounds hurt.
- Or angry.

Guys, it's horny.

Let me try a few phrases
of Bigfoot Speak.

Boo-shy-ah!
Moe-kee-dew?!

MAN:
A little help, please?

- Wait, I know that voice.
- Careful, Honeybee!

Jerrybee!
Guys, it's my brother!

- Oh. Huh.
- Hey, sis. Surprise!

- I fell in a hole.
- [chuckles] Hey! I'm Wolf!

Give your future
brother-in-law a hug.

Oh, I would love to, Wolf,
but I'm in a hole.

- Let me help you out of there.
- [grunts]

Thank you. For a moment
there, I really thought

this hole was all
I was gonna see of Alaska.

So I guess my Bigfoot sighting
was your brother

and the fur I found
was just a coat.

What are you doing here,
baby brother?

Well, I wanted to come see you
and meet my future in-laws.

And... [sniffles]
I couldn't resist trying to do

the ultimate Pizza Surprise.

Oh, my gosh.
I forgot about Pizza Surprise!

Jerry has this prank
called Pizza Surprise,

where he just shows up
with a pizza out of the blue.

Yeah, I thought for sure
I'd get you this time.

I mean, Alaska?
Middle of the night?

Ultimate Pizza Surprise.
[giggles]

I'm Beef Tobin.

Let me introduce you
to the rest of the family.

That's Ham and Judy.
And the little guy's Moon.

- This is his Bigfoot trap.
- How long it take you to dig that?

- It-It's deep!
- Ham dug it.

Then he forgot where it was.

Hey. It's my thinking hole!

What a relief.
I can start thinking again.

HONEYBEE: Well, here it is.

It may be small, but...
[stammers] Well, it's small.

I-I'll run and get the guest bed.

You're gonna love it.
Dad made it out of an old canoe.

[chuckles]
I'm actually kind of jealous.

Uh, maybe I should take
the canoe bed

and you can sleep
with Honeybee. [chuckles]

Wait, no, no. Never mind.

So how long
you gonna be here, Jerry?

Well, actually,

I've been googling Alaska a lot
since you moved here.

And every time I do, I think,

"Well, that sure looks
like a pretty place."

And, well,
I know you like it here.

So... this isn't just a visit.

- I'm moving to Alaska!
- [door opens]

- [door closes]
- Oh, wow. I'm really happy

to have you here, but...

Is it just me or do I look like

an absolute gladiator
carrying this?

- Guess who's moving to Alaska!
- What?! Amazing!

[chuckling] We're gonna need
a bigger boat! You get it?

Because the bed is a boat.
[chuckles]

[snoring]

- [quietly] Wolf.
- Uh, was I farting?

W-Was it one of my farts
that smells like toffee?

None of your farts
smell like toffee.

- Uh, disagree.
- Listen, I'm worried

Jerry hasn't
thought this through.

This is totally Jerry's M.O.

Every time I do something
that makes me happy,

he copies it because he thinks
it'll make him happy, too.

It wasn't that big of a deal
when we were kids.

Sure, he didn't like
rhythmic gymnastics,

but now that we're older,
it's different.

I mean, he followed me
to Fresno Community College

and majored in business
and then hated it

and dropped out
after a year and a half.

I'm afraid
this will be the same thing.

Yikes. Have you
brought this up with him?

I don't know how to.

Also, I'd really love for him to stay.

I mean, even though I
love your family, it'd be

great to have someone from
my family around. [sighs]

But it would be selfish of me

to let him go down
the wrong path again.

Well, what if
we test it out? Huh?

We could show Jerry
a typical day in Alaska

and see how he likes it.

Yeah! If he enjoys
a rigorous Alaskan workday,

- then maybe this is the place for him.
- Totally.

Hey, we really need to get
our heads out of here now

because I am
definitely about to fart

and it's not gonna smell
like toffee.

- Ditto, babe.
- [passing gas]

- Was that me or you?
- It was us, my love.

Good morning, Moon.

I'm guessing I don't owe you
an apology. [chuckles]

I still think Bigfoot is real,

and I'm probably going
to catch him tonight.

Or you're just gonna catch
your own butt,

because Bigfoot isn't real and
only little kids think he is.

[scoffs] I'm not the only one
that believes in Bigfoot.

These guys do, too.
Right, guys?

I mean... not really.

But what about our
Bigfoot Adventurers Club?

[scoffs] Moon, we were nine
when we started that club.

Most of us are ten now.

[laughing]

Smell you later, Bigfoot Hunter.

Okay, well, as long as we're
being honest with each other,

Henry, WWE is absolutely fake,

and, Russell, we know Fred
Savage isn't your first cousin!

He is!
He sent me his headshot.

HONEYBEE [singsongy]:
Jerrybee.

What's happening?

Ooh, did they announce
the new Bachelor?

Come on. We're going to
show you a day in Alaska.

♪ Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chop ♪

♪ Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski ♪

♪ F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Fish ♪

♪ Barf ♪

♪ Oh! Snowmobile ♪

♪ Snowmobile ♪

♪ Whoops! ♪

That's an awful long face, son.

You sure you're not part horse?

Sorry, I promise
you're not part horse.

That's a terrible seed
to plant in a child's mind.

Dad, I really thought
I had Bigfoot this time.

I mean, the crackers,
the footprints, the fur.

But then it occurred to me
that I've thought

I had Bigfoot many times before.

I'm starting to think that

- Bigfoot truly doesn't exist.
- I see.

Also, Debbie Gladu says that
Bigfoot is for little kids.

Little kids?
Well, sure it's for little kids.

Bigfoot is for all ages,

from the elderly
all the way down to babies.

Uh-oh.
You two talking birds and bees?

Here's a tip.
There aren't as many

actual birds involved
as one might think.

No. Moon received
my straightforward, handwritten

birds and bees pamphlet
when he turned eight,

just like all Tobin children.
Your brother was just

telling me he's having
some doubts about Bigfoot.

You mean like whether
or not the snow-colored

Sasquatch and his
brown-haired Bigfoot brethren

are the exact same species?
Personally, I think they are.

I'm going to my room
to stare out the window.

Okay, son. Have fun.

Wow. He's even
more serious than usual.

He's wrestling
with that existential question

that plagues every
adolescent Alaskan kid:

Does Bigfoot really exist?

Oh, yeah.
I mean, I know realistically

Bigfoot probably
doesn't exist, but...

What if? It's very hard
to discount the "what if."

Dad, what if we took Moon
to the VFW Lodge this evening

and introduced him
to some of the Old Faithfuls?

We'll try it,
and if all else fails,

they do have Sprite
and Windows at the lodge.

We can watch
the star travel screensaver.

It's very inspiring.

- How you doing, Jer? Great job today.
- Yeah, bud.

- [snoring]
- Oh, man.

- What time is it?
- : .

Alaska one, Jerry zero.

Yeah, looks like Mother Alaska
really trampled his tater tots.

- I'd love him to live here.
- Yeah, me, too.

But I'm afraid
he's not cut out for it.

Well, you're doing him a favor
letting him figure this out on his own.

Let's untangle him
and get him off to dreamland.

BEEF: Look around, son.

This is a group of folks who
are true believers in Bigfoot.

See how the Sasquatch is blurry
but the tree remains clear?

That means
he is traveling anywhere

between to miles an hour.

And that's just
based on estimates.

Whose estimates?
Mr. Make Believe P. Lies A Lot?

And now Glynis will
demonstrate the peculiar gait

of the Sasquatch
she spotted near Roberta Lake

using a marionette
she built by hand.

Handmade puppets?! Oh!
Come on, let's get closer.

- Hmm.
- That's a Sasquatch.

Interesting.

Excuse me.
I couldn't help noticing.

- Sturdy frame, glint in the eye.
- What is happening?

Ah, my apologies.
I'm Hayward Melm,

interim vice-secretary
of the Old Faithfuls.

We're looking for someone
to don our Bigfoot costume

for the upcoming SquatchCon.

It was donated to us
by a minor league hockey team,

so it's not quite as
realistic-looking as we'd like.

We need someone with great
gusto to really sell it.

- Are you interested?
- I would absolutely be

not interested in doing that.

Some folks get carsick.
I get costume sick.

I wore one once and threw up so much in

a Yogi Bear head
that I almost drowned.

Here's my card since it sounds
like you're on the fence.

Um, Dad,
there's a thing happening.

But we've all seen it!
You don't need a photo

when you have multiple
eyewitness testimonies!

On the contrary,
eyewitness testimony

has been
scientifically proven unsound.

But you can't argue
with the eyes!

[scoffs]
Human memory and perception

- are consistently unreliable.
- Please, Beef,

you really must
remove Moon from here.

He's debunking every
Bigfoot theory we throw at him

with his calm,
fact-based arguments.

My apologies, Santiago.

Come on, Moon.
Time to go.

If you look closely, you can
tell this carving is modeled

on Brendan Fraser
during his arc on Scrubs.

How dare you!
My late husband carved that

after a campsite encounter!

Let's go get
some ice cream, kids.

I hereby declare Bigfoot
nonexistent! A hoax!

- Moon, no!
- I used to be like all of you.

But not anymore.
I know the truth!

- Wake up, sheeple!
- Judy, Ham, time to go.

- Good sir, it's been a pleasure.
- And by the way,

"Sasquatch" rhymes
with "ass crotch!"

Hey, Moon,
quick pop quiz for ya.

Do you believe in Bigfoot?
It's multiple choice.

"Goo-goo" or "gah-gah" or

[baby voice]
"I'm a little baby Bigfoot boy."

- Which one?
- I let go of all that Bigfoot stuff, Debbie.

So you'll just have to pick
something else to make fun of me for.

Have we covered
your weird teeth yet?

Your mouth looks like it's all
molars. Should I keep going?

- Yes.
- Russell!

Sorry, Moon.
I just like to hear her talk.

- With those ears?
- What's wrong with my ears?

Nothing. Some people love one
gigantic ear and one tiny one.

Moon, are you okay?

Yes, I'm just thinking about
things that aren't made up.

Like bread and bulldozers
and sharks.

♪ ♪

♪ Bigfoots and aliens,
sea monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ These were
my childhood friends ♪

♪ Imaginary and gross,
I believed in them ♪

♪ But one day I woke up
and I couldn't see ♪

♪ The monsters and mysteries
so close to me ♪

♪ The blob under my bed
that I called Ramone ♪

♪ I lost him
when I fell into ♪

BOTH:
♪ The Grown Up Zone ♪

♪ Getting divorced,
take a night school course ♪

♪ Where are those
childhood friends? ♪

♪ Children grow up,
then they turn into teens ♪

♪ Then grow into adults,
no time in between ♪

♪ We're here in your heart,
you're never alone ♪

♪ That childhood magic
is lost into ♪

♪ The Grown Up Zone. ♪

[plays warbling note]

- [thudding]
- JERRY: Help! Help!

Oh, my God. Jerry!

I'm okay. I just can't move.

Because of all the wood on me.

Whatever you do,
Jerry, do not wiggle.

With your current state,

the opportunity
for splinters is immense.

Sorry about that. I just wanted
to bring in some firewood

to say thanks
for your hospitality this week.

But I'm beginning to notice that
I'm not very good

- at Alaska stuff.
- Alaska isn't for everyone, Jer.

But you're so happy here!

I am, but we're not
the same person.

You know you've been doing this
our whole lives, right?

I do a thing, it makes
me happy, then you copy

that thing because you
think it'll make you happy.

And it rarely works out.
Remember rhythmic gymnastics?

We had to take you
to the emergency room

to get the ribbon off of you.

Yeah, I never really thought
about it before,

but you're right.
I follow you because, well,

I know I love
making other people happy,

with Pizza Surprises
and hermit crabs,

but I don't exactly know
how to make old Jerry happy.

Also, honestly, I
thought Alaska would be

mostly hot chocolate
and panning for gold.

Maybe I wasn't looking
at the most current websites.

Anyway, I guess I can't keep
following in your footsteps.

Our feet are different sizes,
little brother.

You got to go find
your own Alaska.

I guess I got
some soul-searching to do.

Maybe my Alaska is
South Carolina.

Or rhythmic gymnastics.
You know I look good in a leotard.

- Jerry, no.
- I'm just playing.

Do they have hot chocolate
in South Carolina?

Morning, everyone.
Where's Moon?

Oh, he's upstairs listening
to an audiobook called

The Giraffe and the Octopus:
Real Animals That Look Made-up.

- What's up, Dad?
- I'm calling an emergency family meeting.

I'm afraid Moon is losing
his sense of wonder.

There are certain things
that, if held onto,

ward off those little parts of life

that chip away at us
and harden our souls.

Like how we all kind of believe
the outhouse is haunted.

Kind of?
Dad, it's definitely haunted.

- A ghost grabbed my butt!
- I believe dolphins are just humans

who stayed in the water
too long.

And those little yellow dudes,
the Minions...

I know they're not real,
but... are they?

Yes, all these things,
all fine examples

of what I'd like
to help Moon hold onto

to remind him
that magic still exists.

And I think I have a plan,
but it's something I can't do

unless I want to throw up
a bunch, which I don't,

so I need a volunteer
to help me bring joy

to Moon with a little surprise.

- You just said my favorite words.
- "Throw up a bunch"?

No. "Joy" and "surprise."

Beef, I think I'm your guy.

Are you going to Russell's
after school?

His big brother is letting us
play D&D with him.

Dungeons & Dragons?
I only do real stuff now.

Let me know when
it's just called "Dungeons."

- Oh, wha... what is that?
- It's Bigfoot! Come quick!

Yeah, right. Not interested.

Actually, Moon, you better
take a look at this.

That thing's hairier
than my Uncle Bunston.

- Oh, wow!
- MOON: It's him!

I probably owe you an apology.

So, sorry.

Also, your hands are dumb,
you smell like chili,

and your name sounds like
somebody stepped on a cow.

MOON: There he goes
back into the woods.

See you, big guy.
Thanks for showing up.

- What a rush!
- Great job, bro-in-law-to-be.

I helped keep Moon's
sense of wonder alive,

- and that made me really happy.
- Hey, look at you.

You're happy, and you didn't
copy me to get there.

Jerry, I happen to know
that the folks who loaned us

this costume are looking for
someone to do this part-time.

Dress up as Bigfoot

for conventions and maybe
the odd funeral or wedding.

Ah, I wish I could, but I got

to go figure out something
that makes me happy.

- Jerry, I think you just did.
- Oh, wow! You're right!

Helping others be happy
makes me happy.

It's like when I do
the Pizza Surprise.

It's silly and stupid,

but it always makes folks
smile, and I love that.

Dressing up as Bigfoot is like
a hundred Pizza Surprises.

If you call the number
on this card,

the same overly-enthusiastic
interim vice-secretary

that lent us the costume will
fill you in on the details.

Wow. Thanks, Beef.
Honeybee, is it okay

if Alaska turns out
to be my Alaska after all?

It's more than okay.

- Good morning, Moon.
- No time to talk.

Going to leave Bigfoot a snack.

Jerry, don't eat the crackers
this time, okay?

Crackers?
I never mess with crackers.

Crunchy and bland?
My mouth never been so confused.

You didn't eat Moon's
Bigfoot bait the other morning?

Morning?
What are you talking about?

It's a thing
we have here in Alaska.

The sun comes up.
It's a whole deal.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
my plane got in at night,

and I picked up a pizza and came
right here and fell in a hole.

[gasps]
We have a mystery on our hands!

So that means
there really might be...

- Minions.
- I was gonna say "Bigfoot,"

- but, uh, why not?
- BEEF: Hmm.

Perhaps I'll go help Moon
with those crackers.

Looks nice outside.

WOLF: Front page of
StrokeMasterson.biz,

here we come.

♪ Pizza Surprise,
Pizza Surprise ♪

♪ I jump out from the bushes
with pizza pies ♪

♪ Pizza Surprise,
Pizza Surprise ♪

♪ First comes the fear,
then the joy in your eyes ♪

♪ Pizza Surprise,
Pizza Surprise ♪

♪ Pepperoni aroma's
my only disguise ♪

♪ Pizza Surprise,
Pizza Surprise ♪

♪ Pepperoni aroma's
my only disguise ♪

♪ Ah!
Ah! Enjoy! ♪