01x10 - Game of Snownes Adventure

[bunniefuu]

-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪
What do you see?

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪
And a tree

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

Well, Wolf and Honeybee

should be heading over soon
for Tobin family game night.

Whoa. Judy, Ham, Moon,
you have got to get over here

and see this crazy snowflake.

It's got stellar dendrites.

- Dendrites for days.
- Am I crazy

or does that other one
have hollow columns?

Ugh, I wish Wolf
was here already.

He loves dendrites.

Where are they?

Maybe I ought
to give him a call. Ha.

- -WOLF Hello.

Hey, Wolf. It's your dad Beef.

You and Honeybee were supposed
to be here for game night

in ten minutes
and you're not early,

so I'm just checking
to make sure you're okay.

Everything's fine. We're
just getting ourselves together.

I'm making Wolf's Wolfies,
and pretty soon,

we'll all be making memories.

Great. I'll...

Wait, was that a sneeze?
A-Are you sick?

- Are... Should we reschedule?
- Absolutely not.

I'll just take
some cold medicine.

Dad, you haven't had
any medicine since you took

half a Tylenol after
you shattered your pelvis.

Y-You must be
feeling pretty bad.

The only thing that would
make me feel bad

is if we weren't
all together tonight.

- Got to go, Dad.
- Huh.

- Uh-oh. What's going on, Dad?
- Wolf usually says

"I love you" when we hang up.

And then he sings it
and then he whispers it.

This time, he just said,
"Got to go, Dad."

Well, maybe... he got to go.

Yeah, maybe. It just feels
like Wolf and Honeybee

haven't been around
as much lately.

Last week, they only came
to four out of seven breakfasts,

and Wolf missed wood-piling day

because they had to, quote,
"get their marriage license."

They didn't even come over
to watch that other

unrelated Tobin family
on
Family Feud.

Their performance was...
Survey says... disgraceful.

I mean, I don't want to just
throw around the D-word, but...

Dracula disorder?

Drifting, as in we're all
drifting apart.

This was my worry when they
moved out to the guesthouse,

that we'd see them
less and less.

And then from there,
who knows what would happen?

Oh, my God.
Is it me driving them away?

I'm always pestering
Honeybee with annoying questions

"How much do you think
your arms weigh?

"Like, if you took them
off your body

and weighed them separately?"

It could be my fault.

The other day, when Wolf and I
went to the movies,

I got a small popcorn to share,
and he said,

"I wish you'd gotten a medium."

Well, I know it's not me.
I'm amazing.

You're gonna love game night.

Everyone's got
their game night personality.

Moon always claims
he's not gonna cheat,

then he cheats like crazy,

Judy eats so many snacks
she almost barfs,

oh, a-and Ham roots
for everyone,

especially the people
he's playing against,

and Dad just keeps saying,

"Isn't this fun?"

- And what about you?
- Oh, I'm kind of like

a cool guy high roller, but
mostly I just get very drunk.

Uh, speaking of cool guys,
is your brother Jerrybee coming?

He said he'll try.
He's getting headshots done

in his Bigfoot costume
for his website.

He's really blowing up
on the Lone Moose

birthday party circuit.

Oh, can you see
if he'll sign one for me?

I want it to say
"Never stop dreaming."

All right, let me just transfer

the Wolf's Wolfies
into my chug jug.

And let me just grab
my famous Fresno 14-layer dip.

I leave out the 13th layer
because everyone knows

it's haunted.

- -Well,

- that ought to do it.
- Great. I got to get going

- to my sister's game night.
- Hey, you guys.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm just going around
telling everyone

that the snow outside
is really bad.

If you want to leave, you should
have done that 20 minutes ago.

No one's going anywhere now.

Sorry I didn't get
to warn you sooner.

I have a short gait.

Oh, you're perfect
the way you are, Security Pam.

So we're stuck in the mall?

I guess I can't make it
to game night.

Oh, well. Maybe I'll just go
down and smell the food court.

Actually, Jerry,
as long as we're stuck here,

there's a little project
that I have

that I've been dying to work on.

And if you wanted
to be involved,

I could pay you
a small modeling fee.

I booked a gig!

Jerry, I'm going to show you
something very horrific,

but very intimate.

I did some photographs
when I was younger.

Photos I'm not proud of.
My 2003 bang photos.

I don't know if I should
see those, Alyson.

- Look, Jerry.
- Oh, but that's just a photo

of you getting a Christmas gift.

And here you are
at a café in Italy!

But look at my hair, Jerry.

Yeah, the front part's cut off.

Those are bangs, Jerry.

Horrible bangs that have
haunted me for years.

I want to erase my memories
of being in the bang g*ng.

Alyson, you need to work on
how you using that word.

No. I want to recreate
these photos

with my current,
very amazing hair.

See this other person
in all these pictures?

That was my roommate Anthony,
and he moved away.

- So I need you to be my Anthony.
- Hey, I'll try it.

I'm an Anthony,
not a Can't-hony.

Ah, sh**t. It's expired.

Nonsense. That's just a trick
to get you to buy more medicine.

Oh, maybe
I should take two doses.

I refuse to be a Sickly Stuart.

You know what the best part
of tonight's game night will be?

Watching all of your fellow
family members do their best?

Dipping a cookie into the cheese
log just to see how it feels?

Mmm! Oh, it's wonderful!

It's like I'm kissing a prince
whose mouth is full of cheese.

No, the best part
of game night will be me

giving up my old, cheating ways.

Uh, I was just keeping
the pieces warm.

Diondra Tundra here
with a weather update.

While we were predicting
just a light squall,

looks like it's actually going
to be squall to squall snow,

for what some people
are squalling

"the storm of the century."

Uh-oh. Wolf.

Wow, it's a lot snowier
than they predicted!

All I see is white. It's like
when I met your family!

Uh, we should probably
turn around and go home.

Uh, I can't see our house.

Wait, wait,
I can't see it, either.

Holy freakin' lizard!
We're stuck in a blizzard!

Okay, so don't freak out,
but we are a little lost.

Well, we know the main house
is 300 steps from our house,

and we've already gone
142 steps.

How do you know
how many steps we've taken?

Why spend money on a Fitbit when
I can count all my own steps?

Oh, you're so sensible,
my steppie pie.

But we shouldn't
step anywhere now.

It's only 158 steps.
I'll give you a piggyback ride.

You know how much I love PBRs,
but we're already disoriented.

We should just sit tight,
snuggle up

and wait for conditions to clear
or-or Dad to find us.

Uh-uh.
I've seen the movie
Everest.

You stop, you get cold
but you think you're hot,

so you take off
all your clothes.

And then you die.
All the other hikers

just hike all over
your nude, dead body

with your boobs
just flapping in the wind

until they freeze mid-flap.

And then you're just a couple
of boobsicles staring at God.

Perfect movie.
And I hear what you're saying,

but I'm sure my dad will come
looking for us.

Trust me, my dad has
a sixth sense about where I am.

When we played hide-and-seek,

he found me behind the couch
every time.

So let's just sit down
and hug for warmth.

Mmm. This isn't bad.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

We are not fooling around
out here.

Didn't you hear my Everest
story? The frozen boobs?

Uh, what I meant was,
let's have a sip

of Wolf's Wolfies to stay warm.

Just a tiny little sip.
Got to keep our wits about us.

Mmm. That's warming.

Yeah. See, what I do is
I melt a gallon of ice cream,

add a flat Coke,
add two cups of sugar,

three bags of
melted chocolate chips,

and then a pinch... and I mean
just a pinch... of honey.

Otherwise it gets too sweet.

Oh, and of course
the whiskey and the rum.

- Let's have a tiny bit more.
- Uh, just a hair more.

One more sip.

Ooh.

Are you sure your dad's
gonna come find us?

Are you kidding?
Dad's favorite thing

is search and rescue.

I know he'll never say it,
but I think he was

kind of disappointed that
none of us ever fell in a well.

Ah, they're lost in that snow.

- I need to go look for 'em.
- I don't know, Dad.

It's really coming down.

Judy, no one knows
this land like me.

I was born in the bushes
out there.

My mom didn't make it
to the hospital.

By a lot.

Dad, since you're sick, should
we all go out there with you?

- Safety in numbers?
- Or one big sacrifice.

No, I'll be fine. Whoa.

- What, Dad?
- Nothing. I just thought
I saw something.

- Never mind.
- Hello, Beef.

It's me from before.
The dendrite snowflake.

-Call me Denny.
-Nope.
Snowflakes don't talk.

- Did you just say
something, Dad?
- Uh... No. No.

Beef, let's go. I'm late.

Sit tight. I'll be back soon.

I do not feel good

- about letting him go out there.
- But he's Dad.

And nothing bad
ever happens to dads, right?

Henry's dad
chopped off his own finger

when he was putting
cream cheese on a bagel,

but he's probably the exception.

Hey, Beef, wait up.

Where are we heading, Beef?
Should we go grab a bite?

Look, I know I'm probably
hallucinating you,

but have you seen my son
and his fiancée out here?

Hallucinating me? Well, maybe
I'm hallucinating you, Beef.

Look, let's not worry about
who's hallucinating who.

Let's just enjoy
being lost in the snow.

I'm not lost.
I've lived here my whole life.

I've named every tree out here.

Like this tree.
This is Chris Pine.

Oh, I loved him in
Hell or High Water.

He's so handsome.
I'd love to whiten his branches.

The tree was here first,
way before that guy got famous.

- And who's this?
- Who's who?

This hill we're falling down.

Whee!

Hon, I think I have to
ride the yellow rainbow,

if you know what I mean.

I-I'm just gonna step
right over there to pee.

I'll be right back.

I don't think
you should step anywhere.

- We got to stay together.
- Wait, you know

I can't pee if I know
someone's watching.

That's why I can't use
public bathrooms.

Or private ones
if there's a picture

of a person hanging in them.

Or an expressive bird.

Let's just hold hands, and you
take a tiny step away and pee,

and that way we won't get
separated from each other.

Okay. Here I go.

- -Are you okay?

Yeah. Just screamed
because the wind hit my penis,

and my penis did not like it.

- Okay. Did you go?
- No, I can't.

I think it's because
you're holding my hand

so I know you're there.

Uh, I'm just gonna drop it
for one second.

- Wolf, no!
- Don't worry,
I won't move an inch.

Oh, turduck-it!
Damn it, the Wolfies!

Wolf? Are you there?
Can you hear me?

Yeah, just rescuing
the Wolfies. Oh, got them.

Okay. Now walk toward my voice.

Yep, hold on. I just need to put
my penis back in my pants.

Wait. You sound farther away.

Oh, no, my zipper
is frozen open.

Wait, there it goes.
Uh, Honeybee?

Honeybee? Oh, no, I lost her.

- Damn it. I forgot to pee.
- Wolf? Wolf?

- Get up, Beef.
- This is no time for a layabout.

- Where are we?
- We walked around for a while

after we fell down the hill,
Beef. You don't remember?

We were walking.
We were singing.

You told me you felt
an existential dread

when you pictured all of
your children leaving home.

And then you laid face down
in the snow.

- And now we're here.
- Oh, man. This is bad.

I was really looking forward
to having the whole family

together tonight, and now
half of us are lost in the snow.

Ha! You think you have it bad?

- I'm all alone out here.
- Come on.

- There's snowflakes all over.
- I don't know them.

You think all snowflakes
know each other?

- Ha. Typical flesh man.
- I'm sorry.

Yeah, you should be sorry.
You're lucky we're best friends.

Wolf! Wolf!

Okay.
Gonna start getting dark soon,

and Wolf just said
to stay where you are,

but no offense to Wolf,
that seems dumb.

Okay. I think the tool shed
is the closest building.

If I point my body toward
where I think it is,

I can make it there.

I am a self-sufficient woman
who is not

going to die in the snow.

I know this
because I believe in myself

and because a mall psychic
told me

it was gonna be
a zip-lining accident.

With the pizza on the table,
this really feels like Italy.

Thank you for holding
the poster, Santiago.

Thank you for trusting me.

Anthony and I had
such a wonderful time in Italy.

Luckily, the year before,
he fell off a log flume ride

and legally drowned
for three minutes.

He used the settlement money
to pay for our trip.

He was always so generous.

And so bad at staying seated
throughout the ride.

- To Anthony.
- To Anthony.
- To Anthony.

♪ Girl, you got it going on ♪

♪ The picture on the shelf ♪

♪ Takes me back to all
the memories of myself.

Guys, this is bad.
Dad should be back by now.

There's snow out there
and holes,

and the kind of snow-covered
holes that Dad might

fall into when he's hopped up
on expired cold medicine.

I think one of us
should go after him.

I'll go. I won MVP,
most valuable prepper,

of my Lil' Preppers
survivalist troop.

You could say I've been prepping
for this moment my whole life.

Guys, no, I'm going.
I need you two

to stay here
in case anyone comes back.

Moon, you can treat
frostbite injuries

and suck the venom
from their legs

in case they encountered
any snow snakes.

Uh, first of all,
snow snakes aren't real.

And second, if they were, you
wouldn't suck their venom, Judy.

You would drain it
with a small blade.

See, that's why
we need you here.

And, Ham, I'll need you
to be my anchor.

Here's my lantern.

And take half the cheese log.

We'll keep the other.

Gouda-bye, and gouda luck.

If I don't make it back,
tell my family I love them.

But we are your family.

Tell them.

Dad! Wolf!

Honeybee!

This storm is insane.

Ouch.

What in the world?
The old outhouse.

Oh, maybe I'll just go in here

and take a little bitty
storm siesta.

Holy guaca-snow-ly,
that wind is poppin'.

I don't think that's
the right word, but, ooh,

all my other words are frozen.

So I'm just gonna take
a little rest in here,

and then I'm gonna
follow the rope

back to the house...

Oh, sorry.
Were you using the bathroom?

- We can come back.
- What are you guys doing here?

You're supposed to be
back at the house

with the rope tied to you.

Dad was just saying earlier
that he was worried

we were all drifting apart.

And then after you left,
we realized

this is exactly
what he was talking about.

Dad went out all alone
and got lost in the snow,

and then you went out all alone
and got lost in the snow.

But now we're all out here alone
getting lost in the snow.

We've literally drifted apart.

Okay, but from now on,
we're drifting together

because I tied my rope to Moon.

And I tied my rope
to the outdoor barbecue,

which is still
back at the house.

Uh, that barbecue?

That's the one.

201, 202.

Should be right there.

Not there.

Ha! Toolshed.

Alaska's not so hard.

The power in here
seems to be out,

but, oh, a generator.

Ah, some food.
Oh, an old
TV Guide

with the cast of 90210
on the cover?

This place rules.

Oh, man. I lost Honeybee.

But hopefully she's doing
what I'm doing...

Just sitting tight,
waiting for Dad.

We'll all be together soon,
and then I'll never pee again.

- What's he pouting about?
- Who are you?

Beef, this is my new wife Tanya.

When did you get married?

Just now, when I met Tanya.

And, Tanya, Beef's upset because
he lost his son in the snow

and he's generally worried
about his family drifting apart.

That happens to everybody.

You're not special.

Kids grow up,
and then they blow away.

Beef, have you tried
talking to your son about it?

- I know when our son...
- You have a son?

Yeah. Yeah, we had him just now.
Little Remy.

I talk to Remy about everything.

But what if I talk to Wolf
and it turns out

he doesn't want
to hang out with me anymore?

And what if Ham goes off
to culinary school

in Phoenix, Arizona?

And what if Judy moves to France

and falls in with
a bunch of rude puppeteers

and she only talks to me through
some bored-looking puppet?

And what if Moon grows up to be
a reclusive mountain man

and doesn't let me visit
his mountain?

What if I end up alone, Denny?

- Is that your son?
- Who?

That hunk with a mustache

who's sitting over there
with a thermos.

I'd like to whiten his branches.

- Wolf!
- Dad!

Oh, thank God!
Ha-Have you seen Honeybee?

Uh, no, I haven't, but...

Oh, I'm sorry.
These are my friends

Denny, Tanya,
and their son Remy.

Uh, Dad, are-are you
feeling okay?

Oh, yeah. I feel great.

I took three large doses
of Sneeze Police,

and then I came out here
to find you,

and then I met
these talking snowflakes.

Okay, uh, big fella.

Yeah, uh, they sound
like cool guys.

I'm not a guy. I'm a lady.

Go on, Beef. Ask him about
the drifting-apart business.

Not now, Denny.

No, you don't bring that up.

I'll bring it up when I'm ready!

Okay, so Dad's losing it

and I'm a little bit drunk
and my fiancée is lost.

The sun's down,
and the temperature is dropping.

Okay, Dad, we're moving out.

We're going to rescue Honeybee,
and then we're all

going to rescue game night.

Wait for us, Beef. Here we come.

Yeah, Barf, slow down.

- Keep up, Remy.
- Coming, Mommy.

Anthony used to love
to decorate our Christmas tree

with chili pepper lights.

He was super into
Arizona culture.

The Grand Canyon,
the ice tea brand,

bolo ties
with a splash of turquoise,

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.

Not her ideas but her fashion.

He loved it so much
that he moved there.

It is tough when you can't be
with your closest friends.

I know I'm really missing
my best friend Kooky Kelly

and all the crazy stuff
we used to do together,

like go for walks
or get a cup of coffee.

It must have been hard for you
when Anthony left.

No, I never even really
think about him

except for when I decorate
Christmas trees or travel

or eat or see someone plummet
off an amusement park ride.

Oh, my God, I do miss Anthony.

I thought looking
at those pictures made me sad

because of my unsightly bangs,

but really I just missed
my friend.

Well, it's his loss,

because you're pretty fun
to hang out with.

Well, you're pretty fun
to hang out with, too.

Actually, you kind of
remind me of him.

Hey, you can be my new Anthony.

And you can be
my new Kooky Kelly.

One time, we switched meals
at a restaurant.

It was insane.

I'm really glad
we found each other, Jerry.

And you know what this means?

I can get bangs again.

Oh, no. I mean,

maybe take the week
and think about it.

Oh, you did it already.

♪ 99 flakes of snow in the air ♪

♪ 99 flakes of snow ♪

♪ They spin around,
they fall on the ground

♪ 98 flakes of snow
in the air.

Oh, man, we've been walking
for 30 minutes,

and we're still lost.

I have no idea where
the house is at this point.

I'm sorry, Dad. I feel like
an absolute Dumbledork.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm happy just to spend
some time with you.

Uh, you know, sometimes,
lately, I feel like...

That's right, Beef. Tell him.

Yeah, sometimes, ever since
you moved out to the guesthouse,

breakfast, wood-piling day,
those other Tobins...

Uh, what I'm trying to say is...

Oh, my gosh!
The woodpile! Firewood!

Dad, do you have your lighter?

It's too wet out here
to start a fire.

You're right, Dad, but I think
I actually have a very good

or possibly very terrible idea.

All right, w-w-wait. Okay.

I'm gonna soak my hankie
in some Wolf's Wolfies

and then kind of stick it back
in the top of the jug

and light it like
a beautiful Molotov candle

and see if all the booze burns

brightly enough
to signal Honeybee.

Aah! No, fire! We'll melt!

Remy, run!

I'll see you in hell, Barf!

Okay, let's try this whole

rescuing Dad, Wolf and Honeybee
thing one more time,

no more drifting away
of any kind.

Okay, so we'll walk
in a big circle

and then a bunch
of smaller circles

until we hopefully
find somebody.

And after that,
we should go see who set

- that fire over there.
- Dad?

What are you guys
all doing out here?

- We're on a rescue mission.
- Rescue mission?

But I just left a half hour ago.

Uh, you've been out here
for three hours, Dad.

Oh, no. Really?

Yeah, Dad's been having
a bit of a rough one.

He's been hallucinating
some talking snowflakes.

Yeah, he did take
a lot of expired cold medicine.

Oh, my God.

I've been acting like
a real irresponsible Ichabod.

I got so worried
about Wolf and Honeybee

not wanting to hang out
with us anymore

that I almost made us all hang
out together forever in heaven.

You think me and Honeybee
don't want

to hang out
with you guys anymore?

Well, earlier, you hung up on me

without singing
or whispering your goodbye.

And you didn't come
to watch that other

terrible Tobin family
on
Family Feud.

Stop saying their name.

And I'm sorry about
the medium popcorn.

Must you punish me forever?!

Guys, just because I get busy

doesn't mean I don't love
the stuffing out of you.

So you aren't slowly but surely
drifting away from this family,

setting in motion
a cascade of farewells

that will forever fracture
our close family bonds?

No, Dad. When we talked earlier,

the Wolf's Wolfies
were boiling over,

so I had to hang up.

Oh. That makes sense.

I'll always be
a part of the family,

but now I have my own
smaller family, too.

I'm a little branch
off the main tree

that sometimes needs some time
alone in his little branch house

that has a little tiny stove

and a very little bathroom
with a very small shower.

We're gonna have to do
something about that.

Yeah, 'cause I have to choose

which side of me
I'm gonna wash each day.

I'm so glad
you're not avoiding us.

Yeah, I don't want to be weird,
but I like you guys.

Well, if we can find each other
in a storm like this,

we'll always be able
to find each other.

Hey, family,
the only place I'm drifting

is right into your arms.

You know I'm the last person
to break up a hug,

but I lost my fiancée out here,
and I'd kind of like

to get married
before death does us part.

Okay, if you're not tied to
the rope, grab somebody's hand.

No more getting lost.

No Tobin left behind!

Except the barbecue.

May she rest in grease.

Okay, fill you with gasoline.

I already did that.

Next, I wheel you outside
so you don't...

♪ Fill the toolshed
with fumes and k*ll me.

And then I put this
little tent around you

so you don't get snow
in your private areas.

And I just pull this cord.

I did it.

As the scientists say, bazinga.

If this shed's a-rockin',

hopefully Wolf
will come a-knockin'.

♪ Just hold on loosely ♪

♪ But don't let go ♪

♪ If you cling too tightly... ♪

Hey, guys! You're just in time
for my Shed Talk.

Honeybee, I'm very impressed

you found the toolshed
in this insane blizzard.

You are quite the survivalist.

Yeah, maybe I'm a little bit
of a Honeybeef.

I know you're gonna
take great care of my Wolf.

Yeah, she is!

I never would have thought
that refried beans

and salsa, mayonnaise,
scallops and cashews

would all go so well together.

Oh, you should try it
when you're drunk.

Okay, it's your team's turn,

and I'm really, really rooting
for you guys to b*at us.

Moon, are you reading
all the clues in the bowl?

I thought these were chips.

Gosh, isn't this fun?

♪ Hello, everyone,
and don't be frightened

♪ Come on over here and get
your branches whitened ♪

♪ I'm ready to fall
on Steve Buscemi's toes

♪ Or take a one-way trip
up Jeff Bridges' nose

-♪ Celine Dion ♪
-♪
Captain Ron

♪ Those are some branches
I'd love to be on

♪ Plato, Sandra Oh,
Bell Biv DeVoe ♪

♪ Put your arms out,
I'll cover 'em in snow ♪

♪ Hello, everyone,
and don't be frightened

♪ Frightened, frightened,
frightened, frightened

♪ Come on over here and get
your branches whitened ♪

♪ Whitened, whitened, whitened ♪

-♪ Andie MacDowell ♪
-♪
Colin Powell

♪ Tammy Wynette
and Mr. Keith Sweat. ♪