01x11 - My Fart Will Go On Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can
breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

Alanis, it's official.

In T-minus three days, I'm
catching the bouquet. For fun.

It's a wait and see
on marriage right now.

Oh, that's right,
the big wedding.

The biggest wedding.

Wolf and Honeybee?
Everyone's excited.

Dad even invited Dell
as a "platonic friend-date"

and I saw him a-with ChapStick.

Isn't it "platonic"?
Get it? 'Cause it won't be.

Oh, yeah. It seems like
he might be thinking about

doing a close-proximity smile
or some...

mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah...
smooching.

You know, my big romance
with you know who-lier

started with a close-proximity
smile. [chuckles]

I was eating tiny meatballs
at craft services on set

when this weirdo
tapped me on the shoulder

with a Woodchuck puppet.

Alanis, I would love to talk
about him again,

but I'm kind of needed
at the boat for wedding prep.

So, let's, uh,
let's put a pin in it.

I used to put a pin in
his Full House doll,

and then he crashed his car.

HONEYBEE: Okay, final checklist
list-check for Honeybee Shaw's

Titanic-themed wedding,
setting sail this Saturday.

I love Titanic because it features

the sexiest actress alive:
Kathy Bates.

Ooh, her performance in Misery?

She hobbled her way
right into my heart.

Okay.
Ready to check, Beef?

Aye, aye, Captain Bee.
Moon?

Is the Brain Billy Zane
axe booth ready?

[grunts]
Does that answer your question?

[chuckles] Check, but don't
use up all of our Zanes.

Ham, how's
the cake-planning coming?

Well, it's getting deliciously
dangerous over here.

There's three layers but only
one fondant rescue boat.

Hope nothing goes horribly wrong.

Cake, check. Judy-bee?
What's your status?

May I present the largest

and most elegant chip and dip
in the world,

James Cameron's Snack-tanic.

Meant to hold ten varieties
of salty savories,

with four different hummuses
in her smoke stacks.

Loose lips sink chips.

Ah! I can't wait for my family

to see all of this
when they get here.

Just asking again,
everybody's sure about

having a wedding themed
around a major disaster?

We could base it
on a more cheerful boat movie

like Captain Ron,
or Hope Floats?

I'm not worried at all.

This isn't a transatlantic
voyage, it's a wedding.

- And it's gonna be perfect.
- [phone vibrating]

Oh, excuse me a moment.
Yes, this is Ms. Shaw.

So you're saying James Cameron
politely declines my invitation?

Oh, not politely?
Understandable.

I'm just trying to find someone
from the movie

to show up as a surprise
for my fiancé.

Do you have Mr. DiCaprio's
cell by cha... Oh, she's gone.

- [whispers] Psst. Judy.
- Oh, hey. It's W...

...oman issues. Ouchie. Ah.

Uh, I have to leave now because
I have those woman issues

that I was just talking
about and, frankly,

it's totally natural
and I love it, so...

[sighs] I love when Judy
gets real with us.

- Did they suspect anything?
- Nope.

I exited very smoothly with
a perfect lie about my vag*na.

Smart. I do the same thing,
only lying about my butt.

It's why everyone thinks
I have chronic diarrhea.

[chuckles] Joke's on them.
I only have frequent diarrhea.

Good to know.
Now what's going on?

This is what's going on!

Oh, a late RSVP to the wedding
and it's a maybe.

So someone isn't sure if
they're coming to the wedding...

no big deal...
and it's from Kathleen Tobin?

Oh, my God!
Mom? What?

- What?!
- "What" is right.

A-And also, no frickin' way.

- A-And what?
- Oh, and she checked

that she wants the steak,
fish and vegan entrees?

[scoffs]
Is that even allowed?

No, it is very much not allowed.

Oh, I mean, I guess
in a weird way, in my mind,

I've always pictured Mom
at my wedding, but in reality,

- I think it would be very, very bad.
- Ugh, it is.

Mom's a wrecking ball.
Especially at big events.

She can't stand it
if it's not about her.

Remember at my ice-skating
competition when Mom farted

into the microphone because
they wouldn't give her a trophy?

Oh, this is all my fault.

I must've accidentally
included her address

on the invite spreadsheet.

I thought I was amazing
at mail merge macros,

but it turns out, I am not
amazing at mail merge macros.

I'm headed to the supermarket.

- You cuties need anything?
- Not now, Londra!

- Okay.
- This is not your fault, Wolf.

You're right.
It's Mom's fault for being

the frong-dong
frog dong's worst.

Just when things
were getting back to normal

and we're about to add
a beautiful cup of honey

to our Tobin tea,
Mom has to come back

and fart up the room again?

Frickin' nards.
Nards so hard.

And Honeybee's family is coming.

[gasps] They're probably
perfect like her.

- What are we gonna do?
- Honeybee can't find out.

Uh, the last thing I want
is her worrying about this

on our wedding day.
We can't tell Dad.

He's come so far since Mom left.

Also, Ham and Moon
might not be able to take

the emotional turmoil of seeing our

crap-tastic mom after all this time.

It's official:
we cannot tell anyone

Mom is maybe coming
to the wedding!

What?
Mom's coming to the wedding?

One Flew Over
the Poo Poo's Nest.

We are so bad at secrets.

Okay, g*ng,
thanks for meeting me

in the panic room
so Dad wouldn't find us. Judy?

Okay, we need to figure out if
Mom's actually coming

because all of our careful
wedding planning is at risk.

[exhales]
All right, pull up Mom's blog.

[gasps] That's a picture
of Mom's wedding dress.

- Why does it say "MBA" on it?
- "Male Body Admirer."

It's in pretty good shape
considering it's edible.

Oh, man.
And she laid it out on a bed.

That's what women in movies
do with outfits

they're gonna wear for big events.

Oh, look, a "contact us" number.

- [line beeps]
- And it's disconnected.

Okay, so she must have
a new burner phone.

Oh, my God, and there's no way
to get ahold of her.

Oh, God, I'm freaking out.
Oh, she's gonna ruin my wedding.

I'm not gonna get married.
[shrieks]

Wolf, this doesn't mean
she'll show up, okay?

You know what she's like.
She's a flake.

She would've missed my birth
if it was medically possible.

Let's just sign your phone up
to get blog updates

so we can track
her movements, eh?

You're right, yeah,
you're right.

The next blog update will
probably be her at Hersheypark

pretending to take a dump
in the chocolate fountain.

Uh-huh. And in the meantime,

let me just add,
we do not talk about this.

Because if Dad finds out,

he'll explode and melt down
at the same time.

And it's gonna be like...
[imitates expl*si*n]

[babbling]

And his eye will start doing
that tight twitchy thing.

- [all shout]
- Hey!

Oh, there you kids are.

Hey, uh, Dad.
Uh, y-yeah.

We were just, uh,
reading the whole Internet

in the panic room as a family,
but, uh, we're all finished.

Wow, that is impressive.

It seems like every day
there's a new AltaVista page.

Anyways, I'm working
on my wedding outfit.

I sewed a collar onto this
novelty tuxedo T-shirt.

- Can you tell it's not a real tuxedo?
- I can't.

Oh, if I wasn't already
marrying Honeybee, I'd propose.

Okay, so your name
is Victor Garber,

but you are not the actor Victor
Garber from the movie Titanic.

Oh, you're in second grade?
Okay.

No, I agree, math is hard.

Yeah, I like trains.
Okay, I'm gonna go now, Victor.

Mm-hmm, I love you, too.

ALYSON: You know, Billy
Zane gave me mouth-to-mouth

once when I choked on a dried
apricot at a jazz festival.

- Uh...
- Judy, that story at least deserved a "Wow."

- What's bugging you?
- I think my mom is coming to town,

which is terrible,
for so many reasons.

Most especially
that she'll ruin Wolf's wedding.

What I really wish
is that there was a way

we could just move
the whole town.

But it's like, I don't know,
do you think

people would be up for that?

Or you could just have
a shadow wedding.

Is that where two shadows
get married?

[gasps]
I love it, it's gorgeous.

Ugh, and then
I'm thinking about it,

I'm just not sure
how it would help.

Oh, Judy.
So much to learn from me.

A shadow wedding,
or really any shadow event,

takes place at the same time
as the actual event,

but, key difference,
it's for all the people

- you don't want at the actual event.
- Hmm. Go on.

I will. I myself have
been shadowed

on multiple occasions,
and it's very effective.

I honestly don't know if I've
ever met the real version

of my ten-year-old nephew Jandon.

Well, if it would protect
Wolf's wedding,

it's definitely worth considering.

Oh, Judy, everything's
worth considering.

Even that grown man
with bare feet riding

- the children's carousel.
- [soft music playing]

He's a pass for me right now,
but who knows about the future?

And that's a shadow wedding.
Any questions?

Sounds insane. I'm in.

Hey, we're gonna have to work
overtime to protect Dad

and my queen-bee-to-be
from Mom.

Luckily, Honeybee's been so busy
with wedding stuff,

she hasn't suspected
anything weird yet.

And that's how we'll keep it.

But under no circumstances
can Dad find out

that Mom is probably
on her way here to ruin

the wedding and stomp
all over his heart.

- What?
- Not again.

- Sisterhood of the Traveling Turds!
- Kathleen...

[Beef moaning]

It's the silence between the
moans that's most distressing.

Hello, children.

I was just taking a nap,
but I am fine now.

I've pushed all the other naps
I want to take deep down

so they won't ruin
Wolf's upcoming wedding.

Great, because the wedding train
is leaving in hours,

and I need my dad on my caboose.

- Choo choo, son.
- [phone vibrates]

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Oh, no. What?

There's a new post
to Mom's blog.

Oh, God.
Mom's on a flight.

And she's already
three plane-aritas deep.

Do you feel that, children?

The way the wind
has stilled in the pines,

and the caribou no longer
utters its lonely howl?

She is set upon us.

Okay. I was wondering
what was up

with the wind stilling in the pines.

I was looking
for the actress Kathy Bates.

But you're a drag queen insult
comic named Kathy Berates?

Hmm. I mean, it's not a no.

Hold on, I got to take this.

Hello? Oh, my gosh.
[gasps]

You sound exactly how
you sounded in the movie.

And you can actually come?

Oh, I feel so powerful. This
must be how the iceberg felt.

JUDY: Okay, shadow wedding.

We need three things:
location, actors and decorations.

And guess what?
I know where we can go for each.

Dad, your involvement
is not to be involved at all.

The last thing we need
is you seeing Mom

at the shadow wedding
and falling under her spell.

But there is a task that's
perfect for you to take on.

You can give Honeybee's
family a tour of Lone Moose's

hot spots and keep them
distracted while we do this.

Be our man on the outside.

Honeybee is picking them up
at the airport as we speak.

I'm on it. I could take them
to the bowling alley

and show them your
great-grandmother's trophies.

Then I could take them
to our backyard,

and show them her grave.

And we could stop
for a nice lunch in between.

Okay, hands in the middle,
everyone.

On three, everyone say,

"Do a shadow wedding,
trick Mom, save Honeybee

and Wolf's marriage, and everyone
lives happily ever after."

- One, two, three.
- ALL: Do a shadow wedding.

- Trick Mom. Save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage.
- BEEF: Kathleen.

- And everyone lives happily ever after.
- [overlapping chatter]

- ...happily ever after.
- Perfect.

Tobins, this is the Shaws.

[overlapping greetings]

- A hug for you.
- Louis Shaw, pleased to meet you.

Well, I'm gonna go
spend some me time

finishing up the wedding prep.

- Have fun, guys.
- Enjoy your she time.

And the four of us have to go
do something very normal

and nobody should be
concerned about it.

[chuckles] Why would they?
That's boring.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- Welp, that just leaves us, then.

Today I'm gonna take you
on a guided tour

of Lone Moose's finest attractions.

The van is all warmed up
and I made you each

a personal thermos
of hot chocolate.

- Thank you, Keith.
- Uh, it's, uh, Beef.

- No, that's not a name.
- You know, Beef,

as owners
of a curtain shop ourselves,

I'd love to see an Alaskan
window covering store.

- If you have one.
- Oh, sure, we could stop by Count Drape-ula.

Now everyone buckle up.

I always drive safely,
but if I see any gorgeous

natural scenery,
I may gently tap the brakes

so that we can partake.

♪ Take a look around,
look at all this stuff ♪

♪ Stuff that you can look at,
go on and look at it ♪

♪ Here's another thing ♪

♪ A thing that you can see,
oh, look ♪

♪ At us looking,
looking at the stuff ♪

♪ So look around and ♪

♪ See what's here and look at ♪

♪ This thing and see ♪

♪ What's here and, oh,
look, now we're done. ♪

Welp, the Shaws were
riveted by the tour.

And I learned that
the inventor of the curtain rod

was coincidentally named Rod.

- He was also a m*rder*r.
- Aw, what fun.

Now let's go over the shadow
wedding plan one last time.

We'll park the Mighty
Kathleen and the newly

decorated shadow wedding
boat on opposite ends

of the dock, where they aren't
visible to each other.

- When Mom arrives...
- HAM: My true love

and the most handsome teen
in Lone Moose, Crispin...

love you, Big C...
will be there to head her off

with three complimentary
glasses of champagne.

JUDY: Which will instantly
send her to the "party zone,"

where she is, you know,
less apt to question anything.

HAM: Crispin will then golf-cart
her to the shadow wedding boat.

MOON: Where we'll be waiting
along with the shadow guests

and wedding party
played by Judy's improv troupe.

WOLF:
I'll escort Mom to her seat

in the front row
and await my bride,

who is being played by Zoya.

Hello. We make wedding now?

JUDY: From there, the wedding
begins. And it goes perfectly.

MOON: Then we all
make our exit to head

to the real wedding
as the boat sets sail with Mom,

Zoya and all
the shadow guests aboard

for the quote,
unquote "reception."

Bon voyage, B words!

HAM: And once the shadow
wedding boat is on the water,

if Mom asks anyone
where her family went,

they know to say, "They went-a
thatta way," while gesturing

- with their thumbs like in the Three Stoog-ies.
- JUDY: At the end of the night,

when we've pulled it all off,
we'll have a happy Honeybee,

a bamboozled Mom
and two perfect weddings.

Any questions? No?
Okay, great.

I grabbed this wedding dress
from the drama wardrobe closet

at school from when we did M.
Butterfly. Wolf?

Could you snow-machine
this over to Zoya's house?

Oh, man.

[sighs]
What are we doing?

Looking at this perfect
costume wedding dress

that isn't for my actual bride
makes me realize that even

though Mom's not here, she's still
got us running around

like a bunch of chickens
with our butts cut off.

I don't want to start
my marriage off

with a bunch
of bing-bong lies to my wife.

I need to tell her
that Mom said yes

and we're doing
the shadow wedding.

We got to come clean
to the Shaws that I'm going

to be marrying two women
in one day

because we're basically
a band of no-good grifters

with a terrible family secret!

- What?!
- Oh, no.

- Oh, boy.
- Keith!

Oh, good, now they already know.

And then Mom pantsed
the sheriff when she couldn't

calm down at my science fair.

[chuckles]
And then she took his g*n.

I had to give my ribbon back.

Oh, no! Not your ribbon!

God herself couldn't
take my ribbon.

So, in summation,
Mom's the frickin' worst

and will ruin our wedding
if she shows and, so, yeah,

that's why we planned this
whole shadow wedding thing.

Okay, I agree... your mom is bad.

But, Wolf, honey,
you can't throw a big,

elaborate shadow wedding

- just because she might show up.
- It's just that,

I'm not saying we were
a disaster before you showed up,

but we kind of had, I don't know,
low family self-esteem.

So you coming into our lives,
you make everything great,

and I guess we all just got
a little scared of, well,

losing you. I just wanted...

I mean, we all just wanted
to make sure

it was the perfect night for
you and your perfect family.

[scoffs] You think
we're a perfect family?

Of course.
I mean, look at you guys.

Look at your slacks...
you all have nice slacks.

Oh, we are far from perfect.
Isn't that right?

Louis, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

I farted on the couch one time
about years ago.

And these two never let me
forget it.

- We had eaten some egg salad.
- I called the fire department.

I thought there was an
electrical fire in the walls.

We tried to reupholster the couch,

but it had gotten into the bones.

Oh, Wolf, just because
we own an amazing business

and dress well,
we're still not perfect.

No one is. We've got some
truly unique people

in our family, too.
My cousin Brenda, for instance.

She swears wholeheartedly
that she's the Zodiac k*ller.

The timeline doesn't work,
but she insists.

And sometimes I'll use a breath
mint instead of deodorant.

I just suck on it for a second,
then stick it to my pit.

- Jerry!
- I know!

- Jerry.
- I know.

See, babe,
no one's judging you but you.

Actually, now that I think about it,

this thing with your mom is great.

I mean, we're having
a Titanic-themed wedding,

and your mom is our iceberg.
And if she tries to ruin

our wedding and we get married
and we stay married anyway,

then we're
the Unsinkable Molly Brown.

It's proof that we can
survive anything together.

We'll be even stronger
than Jack and Rose,

because Jack voluntarily
drowned near a door.

All right, I'll tell everyone
that the shadow wedding's off.

Let the storm come.

Blow, winds, blow!
cr*ck your cheeks.

Sorry, I just played
King Lear recently,

and the character hasn't left me.

♪ ♪

Huh, kind of thought
Mom would be here by now.

I'm sure she's just
waiting in her car so she can

make a late entrance
and draw attention to herself.

She's no doubt tucking
her own skirt into her underwear

for a classic Kathleen cheek peek.

Okay, welp, let's go get
our Wolf married.

[harmonizing]

♪ Wolf was chatting on the
computer late one night ♪

♪ When his eyes beheld
a beautiful sight ♪

♪ And his love for a Bee
did begin to rise ♪

♪ And suddenly to his surprise ♪

♪ She loved him back ♪

♪ It was a marriage match... ♪

[sobbing]
Frickin' beautiful Honeybee!

[choir vocalizing]

Frickin' beautiful door!

Friends and family,
we are gathered here today

in the year on this,
the unsinkable ship,

to celebrate the love of
Wolf "King of the World" Tobin

and Honeybee
"Spit Like a Man" Shaw.

Just like the constrictor knot,
which can be impossible

to untie once it is tightened,
and only grows

tighter when pulled,
so shall your love grow tighter.

Oh. Now that man
can tie a knot.

Ay, chihuahua.

And that is exactly why blind
brackets come in packs of two,

to support each other, because
it takes two to make it work.

Just like in marriage.

If I would've known she was
gonna talk about brackets,

[sniffling] I would've brought
extra tissues.

True love straight ahead!

♪ ♪

And now Wolf and Honeybee
will exchange their vows...

in the form of some
of their favorite movie quotes.

Honeybee, commenting in that
online famous movie quotes

message board was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Because it brought me to you,
and now we both found

something we love more than
quotes from movies... each other.

We're gonna need a bigger
boat... for our love

- and someday our kids.
- Because life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop
and get married once in a while,

you might miss
the love of your life.

And I will always
show you the money!

And by "money,"
I mean "understanding."

Standing in front of a Bee,
asking her to love him.

[with Australian accents]
That's not a ring.

This is a ring.

- [crying] Tacky.
- JERRY: At this time,

we ask that anyone
that should object to this union

- speak now or forever hold your...
- WOMAN: Ah, dang, am I late?

Did I miss the cocktail hour?

[all gasp]

- Here we go.
- Dear God. Kathleen ahoy.

- [woman clears throat]
- BEEF: Oh, that's not Kathleen.

Who the hell is that?

Maybe this'll ring a bell.

[mock crying]

Oh. My. God.

- Honeybee, you didn't.
- Oh, I did.

I'd know that cry anywhere!

It's the actress who
played the baby Billy Zane

grabbed to try to get on
the rescue boats in Titanic!

Oh, remember he ran
all over the deck saying,

"I have a child. I have a child."

Oh, man,
you're my second favorite

background character
after Irish Mommy.

Okay, would you like a plaintive
wail or some quiet sobbing?

Oh, quiet sobbing, please.

[quiet sobbing]

[laughs] Wow!

Houston, we have a marriage.

You may now kiss each other.

[imitating Darth Vader] Luke...
I am your husband.

[imitating Darth Vader] Luke...
I am your wife.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my great honor

to present to you
for the very first time,

Mr. and Mrs. Wolf
and Honeybee Shaw-Tobin!

[cheering, applause]

♪ ♪

Come on, you two, the window's
not gonna fog itself up.

Don't make me come in there.

Okay, I'm coming in.
[laughs]

I for one am glad Mom
didn't bother

to show up for my
once-in-a-lifetime wedding.

It's, you know, it's good.

Definitely, uh...
for-for the best.

Is it weird that maybe
I feel kind of sad?

Oh, I'm not sad. I just have
this hollow, lonely feeling

- in the pit of my stomach.
- Luckily, I was so young

when Mom left
that I don't feel...

Yeah, I'm bummed.

Yeah, me, too.
Why do we feel like this?

Because, sure, she's messed up,
but she's still your mom.

Being filled with dread
that Kathleen will appear

and then disappointment
when she doesn't is normal.

And terrible.
And normal.

I know what you're going
through, but look around.

Everyone that's supposed
to be here is.

This is a good day.
It is Kathleen who is missing out.

You know, Dad, you're right.

It's better
that Mom didn't show up.

- She would have definitely ruined today.
- She probably would have.

But your mother wasn't all bad.

She did give me the four things
I love most in this world.

[gasps] Oh, do you mean
our set of limited edition

Betty Boop ceramic plates?

- Nah, she took those with her.
- Damn it.

I mean the four of you kids.

♪ ♪

Do you trust me, Honeybee?

I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Wolf?
- I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Ham?
- I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Dad?
- I trust you.

TOBINS:
Do you trust us, Shaws?

SHAWS: We trust you!

Okay, I'm following
the rule of thirds.

Didn't forget
to capture the depth.

And I've got everyone's
good sides.

Okay, this is looking good.
And timer's set! Everyone hold!

Huh, would you look at that.
Mom's blog just updated.

She's drinking
at a Wetzel's Pretzels in Tulsa.

Bad news for Tulsa.

Move your booty,
here comes Judy.

Okay. On three, everyone say,

"Today turned out perfectly,
and we didn't even have to

do the shadow wedding,
which was a good move because

Mom didn't even end up
showing up and..."

- [camera clicks]
- [gasps]

Jandon, it's your aunt, Alyson.
This song is for you.

♪ Jandon, I don't know you from
a stranger on the street ♪

♪ But I keep on hoping
one day we'll meet ♪

♪ I don't know what you're
into, is it sports? ♪

♪ Or is it trains? ♪

♪ Do you like burritos? ♪

♪ Or do you love chow mein? ♪

♪ Oh, Jandon, where are you? ♪

♪ You could be anywhere ♪

♪ Jandon, who are you? ♪

♪ We haven't met as
far as I'm aware ♪

♪ Guess I may never know ya ♪

♪ But I hope you get this "best
nephew" shirt I stole ya. ♪