02x03 - The Yawn of the Dead Adventure (Halloween)

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[yawns] Good morning.

What?
Oof. Sorry, everyone.

I know I usually give you
a little more to work with

at breakfast enthusiasm-wise,

but the darkest days
of the Alaskan winter

make old Judy Tootie less fresh
and more moody than usual.

Yes, hours of near
total darkness have a way

of wreaking havoc
on a person's mental state.

But hey, that's the price we pay
to live a life of hard work

- in a hostile environment.
- Do you guys remember the sun?

It was like a big,
dumb lamp in the sky

- you didn't have to turn on.
- Lady Daylight will return.

At peak summer, it's only dark
for minutes a day.

Makes going to the drive-in
almost impossible.

Well, at least during
the light days

we don't have to worry about...

[dramatically] lumber zombies.

- [Wolf cackles]
- Wolf, mmm.

Do we have to hear
the lumber zombie story again?

Yeah, it's scary, and also
probably just a dumb local legend.

Uh, agree to disagree, Jude-etee.

I think you mean rad-ass,
local-true real thing

that absolutely happened.

It all started way back
in the s...

- Wolf, this story upsets...
- Not now, Ham! I'm telling a story.

See, the Lone Moose Logging Company,

tired of having to shut down
business during the dark days,

devised an evil plan
to create a mindless workforce

that could 'jack in total
darkness and never get tired.

- Did you just shorten lumberjack to 'jack?
- Yeah.

They needed guys who could 'jack
from dusk till dawn.

So they started doing
horrible experiments.

But they made one fatal mistake.

They accidentally created
lumber zombies.

And they were like, "You just
slapped the salmon, log boss,

'cause I'm a zombie!"

[growling]

"No, get off of me!"

- "No, you get off!"
- "Quit it!"

"Argh, I'm gonna eat
your damn butt cheeks!"

[sighs] Well, y-you get it.

And some say that lumber
zombies survive to this day,

waiting for the darkest time
of the year,

to emerge once again
and create more zombies.

One minute you're minding
your own business,

sucking on a snowball,

next minute, you're jackin'
for all of eternity.

- Where's the proof?
- Well, all kinds of weird stuff happens

during the dark days...

people going missing,
strange accidents,

delivery orders get mixed up
and you get pad Thai

for someone named "Jeft."
It's got to be lumber zombies.

No. The strange stuff always
has a rational explanation.

People are sleepy,
so they make mistakes.

The constant darkness
causes them to feel detached

and lose their grip on reality,

but there's a very simple solution:
just don't do that.

Maybe we should stop
talking about this.

Sorry, Moon, I know the
lumber zombie story scares you.

Not anymore.
That was when I was a kid.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go get my lucky

puffy penguin pencil topper
because I have a test today.

I know Moon says he's not
scared, but keep an eye on him.

You know what, Dad?
If it's all right with you,

I'm gonna keep both eyes on him.

In fact, you should all
keep an eye on each other,

since today I undertake a
-hour rest on the shortest day.

Ah, yes, the Beef Sleep.

A time where I allow
the body and mind to recuperate

from working so hard
the rest of the year.

I get it, it's like when
I drink a -hour Energy.

After a very, very, very,
very, very fun five hours,

- I'm unconscious for two days.
- Indeed. See you on the other side.

At last,
my rejuvenation is at hand.

Now, to await
sleep's tender embra...

[snoring]

JUDY: It's so foggy.

This is ice fog.
Early settlers called it "white death,"

which was also
what the Alaska natives

called the early settlers.

Well, have a good day
that looks like night.

Don't let
the lumber zombies bite.

- Aah!
- JUDY: It's okay, Moon.

- It's only Debbie.
- I know.

- I was just startled.
- Do you want us to sing you

your super-brave boy
nighty-night song?

Absolutely not.

- What do you want, Debbie?
- Oh, I've just been meaning to tell you

that your nostrils look
like two little fireplaces.

Oh, it's so hard for him
to admit that he's freaked out.

Sometimes it's hard for me to
admit I still haven't figured out

the pronunciation of cinnamon.

Oh, my God, I got it!
I pronounced cimmanin...

- cimanin... Oh, no, it's gone.
- Kima! Wait up!

[grunting nearby]

♪ ♪

Huh. Huh...

Just a... ominous figure
in a threatening stance,

disappearing into the fog
outside of school.

[chuckles]
Nothing to worry about.

- Lordy gordies!
- Uh-oh, what happened?

Did we accidentally wash
a meatball again?

No, it's Dad's favorite shirt.

I just always get really excited
to see it in the wild.

It's his oldest
and most revered T-shirt.

Yeah, he won it
by eating shrimp

in a restaurant's eating challenge.
It's freaking hilarious.

[chuckles]
Did you see the shrimp pimp?

I saw it, and I hate it.

You know what,
I'm gonna try it on.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, there it is.

Do I look like Dad?

Ah! No, no, not the shirt!

Oh, got to act fast!
Please come out.

Please come out.
I need soap!

- [whirring]
- Oh, poo-poo on my pee-pee!

Why?!

Don't you die on me.

You hear me?
Don't you do it!

- No. No.
- I'm sorry, Wolf. He's gone.

Oh, no. Dad's gonna quietly
say it's okay,

but really he'll be devastated.
I guess I should tender

my letter of resignation
from the family. [crying]

There is another option.

No, I refuse to k*ll my father.

Wolf, he won it in a
shrimp-eating challenge, right?

- Yeah...
- At a restaurant?

Yes! I know the shirt's
rich history, Honeybee.

You don't have to remind me.

So why don't we just go there
and try to do the challenge?

I bet one of us
will be able to do it.

I once stayed in a wax museum
for four days,

because I was convinced
it was the real Tom Hanks

and I was waiting for him
to twitch.

My point is,
I'm up for a challenge.

You amaze me every day, my love.

It's... all I've ever wanted.

Uh, Judy, you don't think lumber
zombies could be real, right?

- No, of course not. Why?
- Oh, I'm sure it's nothing,

but I saw a weird guy lurching
around in the parking lot.

You were probably
just imagining things. Wait.

Where are Hannah and Gary?
I definitely saw both of them

- in the hall this morning.
- You're right.

Hannah had
her sequin scrunchie on,

and it really caught my eye.

- It looks great on her...
- [Golovkin clears throat]

Is there a question
that I can help you with?

Yes, actually.
Where are Hannah and Gary?

Well, they're absent today,
Ms. Tobin,

so I assume they're at home.

- But I know I saw them out front.
- It's the dark days.

People think they see
a lot of things.

Plus, Hannah wears
a very popular scrunchie.

Now get back to your reading.

♪ ♪

- Did you see that?
- See what?

Ham, Judy.

You may have come
from the same uterus,

but now you take
separate quizzes.

Ham, look now.

[shushing]

- Shut it down.
- [groans]

- [bell rings]
- Ham, when I was trying to get you

to look out the window, it was because

I think I saw someone carrying a body.

- What if it was a...
- Zombie.

Yeah. I'm a little creeped out.

Should we maybe go check
on Moon?

- Judy!
- Ooh!

- Aah!
- And Ham!

Just the two Tobins
I was looking for.

[chuckles] Twobins?
Hey, that's fun to say.

Listen, you know we've got
standardized testing

coming up next week,
and I've got a little experiment

I'd like to talk to you about.

You're the perfect guinea pigs.

- Meet me in my office after school?
- Yeah, let's do it.

Oink, oink, Principal Gibbons.

That's guinea pig for "I'm in."

Great. And don't forget
to bring an open mind.

♪ ♪

Moon! Oh, there you are.

We've been looking all over
for you.

'Cause you weren't
in your classroom.

Yes, the teacher said we could
come to the library

- to study for the test.
- Oh, of course. Yeah.

We weren't worried that zombies
took you or something.

Oh, you mean lumber zombies?

I'm definitely on the lookout for them.

My mom's boyfriend Jamie
told me about lumber zombies.

And I said,
"You're not my dad, Jamie,

- but boy, I wish you were."
- Yeah, they're terrifying.

Wait, why are we
talking about this?

You didn't see
anything weird, did you?

- [boy raspingly] I did.
- [all scream]

- Who said that? Who's there?
- It's me.

[coughs]
Sorry, it's me, Gill Beavers.

I had a tickle in my throat.

Why are all the lights out?

I'm sure the power
just went out.

Wait, Gill,
you said you saw something?

No, but I heard something
in the bathroom.

There was a kid in the stall
making weird noises.

He was probably transforming.

- [gasps]
- Why would lumber zombies

- be in a school?
- Maybe they're not lumber zombies.

Maybe they're some kind of
school zombie.

Guys, I think we're jumping
to conclusions here.

Moon, don't freak out.

GIBBONS: [over speaker]
Attention, students.

[staticky] ...danger...

...almly...

parents.

Uh, was anyone able
to make that out?

I'm pretty sure he said,
"Attention, students,

you are all in incredible
danger, beware of zombies."

And something about parents,
probably that they're all dead.

Let's just get out of here and
try to figure out what's going on.

Ow, I tripped on...
a body!

[all screaming]

Oh, my God,
that was Mrs. Feldspar.

I think she's dead,
or almost dead, or, or...

She's turning into a zombie, Gill.

- We're all thinking it.
- Okay, guys.

I'll admit it seems like
something weird is going on,

- but I don't think it's zombies.
- Guys?

Where is everybody?

Where are all the kids?

Oh, good, there's someone.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

Uh, guys, I think
that maybe we all should

run away in terror!

Welcome to the Crust Station.
What can I get you?

I'll do the Shrimp,
Shrimp Pimp Challenge.

Same for me.
I'm ready to pimp these shrimp.

I got two possible
shrimp pimps out here!

Okay, then. I'm gonna need
you two to sign these waivers.

And make sure you fill in

- those emergency contacts.
- Ooh, great. Mine is Kurt Russell.

Yeah, I figured it'd be
a fun way to get to meet him.

Ooh, I'm gonna put down
Goldie Hawn.

We can double-date
all the way to the hospital.

My name's Ronda,
and I'll be your guide

through this experience today.

Old Ronda has helped
every shrimp pimp

who's ever strutted out of this
place, and I'll help you, too.

- Thank you, Ronda.
- What a sweetheart.

This is stage one, the fun part.

So just settle in and enjoy.

There are five unique stages
to eating shrimp

that'll push you
to your absolute limit

and make you question
everything you think you know

about your body,
your soul and your anus.

Hey, these little guys are good.

I've always loved that you can't
taste their eyes.

♪ ♪

Well, well, well,

looks like Beef has this
all to himself.

♪ ♪

I think we lost whoever that was.

- That's the guy I saw in the parking lot.
- Hey, guys.

- [all scream]
- What the hell?

Why are you holding
your flashlight like that?

Because then the first thing
people see is my smile,

- and it relaxes them.
- That's insane.

Moon, don't tell me
how to light myself.

What are you guys doing in here?

We were skipping P.E.
as a demonstration to...

subvert the patriarchy.

Girl, we were eating Red Vines.

We were also eating Red Vines.

So, you didn't hear
the announcement?

- What announcement?
- Well, don't freak out,

but it seems like zombies have
taken over our school.

- ALL: What?
- It's true.

I'm not convinced there are zombies,
but something weird is going on.

The lights went out,
all the students are missing,

and a weird guy chased us
down the hallway.

Oh, and the librarian's dead.

So it's the apocalypse or something?

Just so you know,
we're out of Red Vines.

On the bright side,
I guess I won't have to take

- my calculus test next period.
- Oh, my God, the tests!

You guys, I think I've figured
out why this is happening.

It's just like
the lumber zombies, but instead

of a tireless lumber workforce,
the teachers

are creating
a tireless student workforce.

Of course! That way they can
teach us all the time.

hours a day...
they love teaching.

- Those monsters!
- No, Ham, it's so we can study

and do well
on the standardized tests.

The better we do, the more
funding the school gets.

Remember what
Principal Gibbons said to us?

Oh, yeah,
when he called us "Twobins"?

- It was okay.
- No!

He said he wanted us to be
"his guinea pigs,"

and to keep an open mind.

Sounds like he wants
to eat your brains.

- Exactly.
- [laughs] I obviously don't believe you,

but this is amazing, so I am all in.
What do we do?

We need to call my mom's
boyfriend Jamie.

He'll know the number
for the police.

- Kima, you have a cell phone.
- Not anymore.

I got it taken away
because I ran up a huge bill.

I bought too many crouton
boosters in Soup Sipper .

Turns out ten golden ladles
cost $ .

I know where there's a phone
we can use... the nurse's office.

I don't use it to call my mom
every day because I miss her,

- if that's what you're wondering.
- Okay, that's the plan.

We go there, we use the phone
to call the police.

Yeah, and if we have time
to call my mom, so be it.

♪ ♪

[all gasp]

GILL:
Aah, those kids are zombies!

- Aah!
- John, come on!

- What are you doing?
- HAM: I'm protecting you!

Ham, I admit I'm a little scared,

but I think maybe we
should go talk to the nurse

and try to figure out
what's going on.

- No! Guys!
- John, you've been exposed. Come with me.

No, I'm too compelling
to die before Gill!

He's one-note!

[panting] Are we bad people
for leaving John behind?

There's no room
for emotions now.

There's no rules now,
no friendships or study-buddies.

FYI, I've already decided in what order

I would k*ll all of you
so that I would survive.

What was wrong with those kids?

I don't know,
but they didn't look good.

Oh, Moon, it's gonna be okay.

We can sing you your super-brave
boy nighty-night song now

- if you want.
- No, Judy, we need an actual plan.

Why don't we go outside
and walk to the bus stop...

No way! The outside could
be swarming with zombies!

- [watch beeps]
- Oh, no! My make-out alarm just went off.

Crispin and I meet every day
in the chemistry room

to explore our chemistry,
by kissing with our mouths.

- I need to go to him.
- No, Ham, it's too risky!

He could be dead... or worse.

Well, I have to find out.

He might need my kiss
now more than ever.

You know what, guys,
I'm just gonna stay here.

There's food here
and no zombies, so...

That makes sense.
I'm gonna stay here, too.

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.

I can live off of frozen
chicken nuggets and old milk

until we create a new world order.

I think I'm just gonna
wander around a bit on my own.

I thought I wanted to survive,
but now I'm feeling more open,

- zombie-wise.
- Okay, I'm going with you, Ham.

And, Moon, you're obviously
coming with us.

And I'm going with you, Judy.

Not like "going with you"
like dating, just...

Gill, stop talking. Let's go!

Too much shrimp.

The human body
just wasn't meant to do this.

Who do we think we are?
We were fools!

It's all I can taste.
It's all I can smell.

Shrimp has replaced everything
in my life and I shrimp it.

I mean I hate it!
What's happening to me?!

Okay, this is now stage two.

J-K-E... just keep eating.

I want them to do
that Men in Black stick

on me that erases my brain.

But then you wouldn't
remember the foods you do like.

- Like chips!
- There's gonna be casualties!

You want it?
You want to be a shramp pamp?!

- Yes, I want it! I do!
- [yells] Then you show me you want it!!

Guys?
I kind of have to pee.

I mean, I already did a little,

and I'd like to do the rest
in the toilet.

I know this is the girls' room,

but if you hear me scream,
please come in.

Get out of here! Get out!

[all scream]

[gasps] The paper-mache bear
for Science Made Bearable.

We can hide inside him.

HAM: We have to go faster.

I need to see Crispin
so that we can embrace

after each having thought
the other was dead.

Can you even imagine
an embrace like that?

- MOON: Judy, where are we?
- JUDY: Almost there.

Okay, we usually meet
in the science lab closet...

it's the most romantic
closet in school.

♪ ♪

Hi.
Why'd you bring your family

to our make-out sesh?

You're alive!
How did you stay alive?

Uh, I wear my seat belt,
I take a multivitamin,

I had a great pediatrician
in Grand Rapids.

No, I'm talking about the zombies.

Didn't you hear the announcement?

Oh, I had my earbuds in all day.

I record my dinner conversations
with my parents,

and I relisten to see how
I could better explain my days.

It's the end times! The final
reckoning, betwixt man and monster.

Crispin, as improbable
as it seems, we believe

that the teachers have
been turning students

into zombies and also
the teachers are possibly

themselves zombies
and we need to get out of here.

Oh, okay, great.
Thanks for including me.

- [banging on door]
- BOY: Let me in!

Crap, crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!

Oh, no.

Oh, hell no!

- [echoing] Shrimp!
- Shrimp!

Shrimp!

Let me guess, you guys are
hallucinating... I'm a shrimp?

You nailed it, Ronda.

Mm-hmm, yeah.
Classic stage three.

No. No, this is really bad!

Everyone is shrimp,
the world is shrimp,

- shrimp are all I have ever known!
- And all you will ever know.

All of consciousness is
just a pink shrimp waterfall

[distorted]
stretching to shrimp-finity.

- Oh, God, now I'm...
- A shrimp. Me too, babe.

How am I pink? I'm Black!

[Wolf sobbing]

So can I get you guys refills
on your sodas?

Actually, I'd love
a big glass of milk, Ronda.

Well, this is exactly what I've
lusted after my whole life.

Keep it coming, my friend.

It's gonna be okay.
Just cover your ears.

Moon, focus on me.
Eyes right here, okay?

Maybe we should
sing him his song?

No. I-I don't need you to...

♪ Her hair is Harlow gold ♪

♪ Her lips a sweet surprise ♪

♪ Her hands are never cold ♪

BOTH:
♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

You guys, please, don't do this!

♪ And she'll tease you,
she'll unease you ♪

♪ All the better
just to please you ♪

♪ She's precocious
and she knows just... ♪

- [thumping]
- [all scream]

Let me in! Let me in!
I got locked out!

Don't listen to her...
she's a zombie.

She's trying to get in here
to eat our brains.

I don't want to be a zombie!
I haven't even had

a retrospective of my artwork
in Stuttgart yet!

Moon, no! Don't do it!

Look, Judy, I'm the
only one who's vent-sized

and I'm gonna go get us help.

But you're too little.
And you're very, very scared.

No, Judy, I'm not scared.

I mean I'm not that scared.
I'm reasonably scared,

considering what's
been going on today.

But I'm also brave,
and for some reason,

you and Ham can't accept that.

Stay alive.
I'll be back for you.

Oh, sorry,
I put my earbuds back in.

Uh, where is he going?

- [groaning]
- Oh...

Moon doesn't fear the darkness.

The darkness fears the Moon.

It's good 'cause it works
on two levels.

[toilets flushing]

So did you complete stage four?

Is stage four double-dragoning
out of both ends?

It sure is. Are you guys ready
for stage five?

- What's stage five?
- Eating your last ten shrimp,

and then getting your T-shirt.

Take me home, Captain Ronda.
Take me home.

I see you!
You're all dead, you hear me?!

Dead!
I'm gonna rip your heads off!

Choppity chop,
your bones are gone!

Crispin, I know this is sudden,

but I don't want to die single.

Do you want to get married
right now?

- I do.
- Great! I can marry you guys.

I got my certificate online as part
of my art project where I married

- two clams from the marina.
- ♪ She's precocious ♪

- ♪ And she knows just what it ♪
- [Debbie shouting]

- ♪ Takes to make ♪
- Dearly beloved, we are

- gathered here today to unite...
- ♪ A pro blush... ♪

- Guys.
- Moon!

Oh, no, Principal Gibbons!

- He's a zombie.
- Not today, Gibbons. [screams]

- No, no, no, no!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

Now that the power is back on
and everyone's calmed down,

can we all acknowledge that

there was no zombie apocalypse
here today?

So the lurching guy was
just Janitor Jenkins?

Yes, he was in a snow machine
accident over the weekend

and has a cast on his foot,
and he had dental surgery,

so he can't talk.
Hell of a week.

So why was he chasing us?

I sent him to round up any kids
who didn't hear the instructions.

When the power went out,
we made an announcement

for all the kids to go
to the front of the school

to get picked up by their parents.

What about wanting us
to be guinea pigs?

You and Ham are
two of our brightest bulbs.

I wanted to talk to you about
starting a peer tutoring program.

What about Mrs. Feldspar?
She was dead on the floor.

Sometimes Mrs. Feldspar has

a few too many coffee-tinis
in the morning.

She's from a different generation.

But the kids in the nurse's office.
They were all pale and creepy.

We had some kids with
the stomach flu this morning,

and their parents were at work
and couldn't pick them up yet,

including
John's younger brother.

Oh! So that's why the nurse
said he'd been exposed.

And I guess it wasn't blood
on Debbie's face.

It was makeup.

I was practicing
my look for Junior Worlds.

My routine demands
a smoky eye and a bold lip.

I won't apologize.

But I also saw a teacher
carrying a body this morning,

- across the lawn from the old gym.
- Are you talking about him?

- [all scream]
- [laughs] It's a CPR dummy.

I borrowed it
because we're sh**ting

a music video for my band.

Well, I didn't want to mention it,

but I did think I saw
a zombie Mr. Golovkin

attacking Ms. Anderson
from the vent.

Oh, those two.

I don't know why they're keeping
their relationship a secret.

We're all very happy for them.

Well, some flowers grow best
in the shade.

Well, even though
I was very startled

when Moon dropped from
the ceiling vent onto my desk,

I'm glad we got this straightened out.

[all scream]

Oh, hey, guys.
Heads up, I just bit the janitor.

[snoring]

[yawns]
♪ ♪

[snoring]

Hey, Moon, we just wanted to say
you were really brave today.

And we're sorry we couldn't accept it.

Yeah, you were like the least
scared out of all of us.

We should've realized it sooner.

But in fairness to me,
I never realize things sooner.

You're getting older and maybe
that's harder for us than you.

Ever since Mom
brought you home and said,

"Here, you guys handle this one,"

we've been changing your diapers
and reading you stories

and singing you songs,
but maybe you don't

need that stuff from us anymore.

So no more stories, no more songs.

We'll just look you in the eye,
give you a firm handshake

and wish you a pleasant evening.

You know, my eyes are kind
of tired from the dark days.

Maybe you could read me
a bedtime story?

- Oh, hell yeah.
- We'd love to!

I mean, if you want that.

As long as it's something
grown-up and mature...

and with dinosaurs.

♪ Her hair is Harlow gold ♪

♪ Her lips a sweet surprise ♪

♪ Her hands are never cold ♪

♪ She's got Bette Davis eyes ♪

♪ She'll turn her music on ya ♪

♪ You won't have to think twice ♪

♪ She's pure as New York snow ♪

♪ She got Bette Davis eyes. ♪