02x06 - Skidmark Holmes Adventure

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

JUDY: Alanis, good morning. How are you?

I'm good. Just finished
an appointment with my dentist.

I'm my dentist's therapist.
It's a long story.

Well, I'm glad you're
here tonight because

I'm throwing one of my
world-famous parties,

and you know how those get.
[chuckles]

The time on the invitation says
"until question mark,"

uh, for a reason.

[both howl]

Your parties really are
something else.

Like your Margot Martindale
appreciation party

where you taught your guests
how to craft

artisanal virgin
Margot Martin-tinis.

And don't forget
my truffle pigs party.

It was not easy burying
fake truffles in my backyard,

but it was worth it to
see everyone's painted

pink faces light up
when they found them.

And this evening
will mark the zenith

of an epic
party-throwing career,

for tonight I throw a...
[gasps] m*rder mystery party.

- [howls]
- You said it.

Okay, well, I got to go put
some more feathers in my cap,

literally, because I made
a period-accurate hat

that's really gonna take tonight
to the next level.

Yup. Nothing gets a party
started like an old hat.

[both howl]

Okay, so you're
covering appetizers,

and for the main dish

I'm ordering a pizza
from DeGigantico's.

Everyone loves it because...

BOTH: It's-a too-a big-a!

[ding]

- What?
- Oh, nothing, it's just Stacie B.

Ah, my old frenemy who is now
too popular for yours Jude-ly.

[lofty accent]
What doth she text?

Ugh, it's a beer glass emoji
and a puking face,

aka an invite
for her dumb party tonight.

But I'm having a party tonight.

Wait, does Stacie B's invite mean

that she's going to have alcohol?

- And puking?
- I wouldn't worry.

Her last party was,
like, whatever.

You went to her last party?

Yeah, when you and your dad
went ice climbing.

It wasn't even fun.
Stacie B wouldn't let anyone use

the decorative towels
in the bathroom,

so we were all just walking
around with wet hands.

- Cool.
- Oh, what's wrong? Did you fart?

- Should I create a distraction?
- No, it's just,

is it weird you didn't
tell me that you went?

Well, I know
you don't like her, and...

- Wait, are you texting her back?
- No, I'm texting my mom.

She's asking me
where I put the sour cream.

She's making smoked salmon
spread for your party

because, well, I was gonna
surprise you tonight,

but I got this chamber pot on
eBay that's perfect to put dip in.

Salmon spread in an old toilet

is exactly the vibe
this party needs.

[Judy groans]

[gasps]
What is it, Judy?

Are your stocks
not performing well?

No, Stacie B's parents
are out of town,

and everyone's going over there,

and four people
have bailed on my party.

I heard last time
Stacie B had a party,

some people found her dad's
erotic coaster collection

he bought in Amsterdam.
Sounds like a nightmare.

Well, Crispin and I will be

at your m*rder mystery
party with birds on.

I think it's actually bells.

Okay, but the bells
might startle the birds.

[groans] What am I gonna
do about the four noes?

- Moon?
- Yes, Judith?

I know that you and your friends
were going to be here

- doing your role-playing game tonight...
- Lizards in the Library.

Right. Do you think you could
convince Henry, Russell,

and Debbie to, as they say,
revel in the salon?

Fine, but only if you'll play
with us next week.

We'll be down one
because Debbie's going

to ice-skating junior nationals.

She didn't qualify,
but she's gonna go anyway

to throw stuff
at the people who did.

- [phone dings]
- Oh, no, no one else can cancel.

Oh, phew, it's just spam
asking if I want to meet

"big-boobied singles in my area."

"Maybe some other... time."

[knocking]

- Oh, hello, Alyson.
- Oh, hello, Beef.

Just dropping by these
props for Judy's big

shindig tonight. You
guys are gonna have fun.

[laughs] Oh, not me.

I have strict instructions
to stay out,

so I've made a date
to watch a movie

in the guesthouse
with Wolf and Honeybee.

Fun!
What time should I get there?

- What?
- What time should I arrive for our date?

- No, when I said "date", I was...
- : ? I might be a little late.

I'm helping a friend
wash a bunch of dogs,

- so, sorry if I arrive... wet.
- Oh, boy.

I accidentally invited Alyson
to hang out with us tonight,

and she thinks
it's a duh... a duh...

Dude ranch?
Dealer's choice?

[gasps]
Dinosaur-themed restaurant?

- A date! Oh, God.
- Wait, isn't that a good thing?

You two seem to have
a little spark.

I can't tell.
Maybe she likes me a little,

or maybe I'm just her plaything.
Either way, when she's around,

it's like I'm floating
outside of my body

and I'm also floating
outside of that body

that's floating outside
of the original body.

Beef, you're overwhelmed,
so let's make the

atmosphere of the date
as unsexy as possible.

Great idea. We'll turn
the lights all the way up,

and for snacks we've got
some dried-out deli slices

and the veggies from the back
of the fridge. They've turned.

Perfect. And we'll play a really
non-sensual game, like Jenga.

Okay, and I will just
hang on for dear life.

KIMA: Good news.
The delivery girl was pulling up

right when I got here.

Oh, and I brought
this chamber pot

of salmon dip and fry bread my mom made.

- Where should I put it?
- Just over there.

Oh, no, maybe put it over there?

Aah! I don't know. I'm freaking
out about this party!

Are you kidding?

This is gonna be the best
historical party ever.

People are gonna be like,
"Great Gatsby?

More like Gross Bad-sby."

[British accent] Welcome,
everybody, to Goosey Gables!

But where is
the lady of the manor?

JUDY: [British accent] Oh!

I forgot I was having
a fête ce soir!

[laughs]

Judy, just so I can plan out
my night,

- how long does this game take?
- John.

[regular voice]
Well, it says "hours of fun"

on the box, but we could...

Wait, why?
Are you going to Stacie B's?

What? No.

- I mean, we aren't going now.
- "We"?

You know watching people
vomit is an interest of mine.

Guys, let's just focus on this
party and how fun it is, okay?

- Judy, you were saying?
- Oh, okay.

Well, we can just skip over

the scripted
cocktail party banter, then.

It says here the first step is,

we go around and
introduce our characters.

- Ham, you start.
- [giggles] I'm Abby Sinthe,

a party girl with a dark secret.

My catchphrase is
"I'll try anything twice."

- Hello, Abby. Who's next?
- I'll go.

[stilted]
We are the circus freaks,

brought to entertain
you upper-class scum.

We may be from the circus,
but we ain't a bunch of clowns.

Okay, it's my turn.

[with accent] 'Ello, I'm a
washer wench named Sally Potatoes.

[regular voice] Okay, I
should have a bigger role.

I have a second cousin
who actually m*rder*d someone,

not to mention a natural
poetry to my speech.

[clears throat]
I'll go next.

I'm Ty T. Wad,
a dangerously frugal butler.

And when it's time, I will reveal

that I am, in fact, the m*rder*r.

- Gill!
- Gill.

- What? Oh.
- You just... you just...

You ruined the whole game!

Well, okay, I guess that's that.

The game's over.
Have fun at Stacie B's.

Great party, Judy.
Sorry it was terrible.

Guys, maybe take some pizza
because it's-a too-a big.

[all scream]

- GILL: That's not pizza!
- Anyone want a slice

of giant underwear
with skid marks?!

I'll try anything twice.

GILL: My God, what kind of monster
would do something like this?

KIMA: There's a note.

- Judy, grab it.
- [gasps] You're right.

That handwriting
looks just like mine.

We're definitely
dealing with a psychopath.

"You thought you'd have
a big, fun party,

"but things just got
a little sharty.

"I've taken your hot n' cheesy

"and left these drawers
to make you queasy.

"Don't bother trying
to pin me down.

I can't get caught,
I'm not a clown."

It says it's not a clown?

Easy.
That means it is a clown.

One of the circus freaks.
Boom.

Oh, wait, that's me.
Not guilty.

If I wanted to show you guys
my underwear with poop in it,

- I'd just do it.
- Well, I'll tell you one thing...

no one's going anywhere
until we find out

who took our pizza and left us
with this extra large mystery.

Uh, yeah, you would literally
have to drag me out of here.

Oh. So you guys aren't
going to Stacie B's anymore?

Now? Judy, we're being targeted
by a creepy underpants maniac.

This is all I've ever wanted.

I'm scared.
Ham, please place your hand

on my shoulder comfortingly.

- [thunderclap]
- [gasping]

Oh, sorry. That's
the text notification sound

when my mom texts.

She wants to know
if I took my gummy vitamin.

[thunderclap] And she asked
if everyone was being nice.

Aw. Yes!

HONEYBEE: Okay, we've got
bright light, gross meat,

a single bowl of oatmeal,
for some reason.

It's unsexy and confusing.

- We did an amazing job.
- [knocking]

Who ordered a pair
of giant jugs?

- Oh, God.
- I brought chocolate milk.

Yeah!
Let's get this party started!

[groans]

All right, so I was supposed to
be the investigator in the game,

but I guess I'll just walk us
through the steps instead.

Step one is identify
any possible suspects.

I know. Maybe it was the people
at the pizza place.

Maybe there's a crazy giant
who works there,

pooping and not wiping

and then putting his underwear...

- or hers... in boxes.
- Let's call.

- [phone rings]
- CJ: Thanks for calling

DeGigantico's Pizza.
It's-a too-a big!

Uh-huh. One sec.

Amelia, did you take the pizza
out by Aspen Road?

Does anyone else work here, Mom?

Well, they want to know,
did you take out the pizza

and leave a big pair
of underwear in the box?

Nope. Just a regular
a-too big-a pizza.

No, my daughter says she didn't
leave a big pair of underwear

in the box, just a regular
a-too big-a pizza.

But since you say
you didn't get your pizza,

we'll get a new one to you
in minutes.

It's-a bye-bye!

Well, I guess it wasn't them.

That checks out.
When I carried it in,

it was heavy, like pizza,

not light, like underwear.

And you can see the grease
stains. The pizza was in here.

So if it wasn't the pizza ladies,

you know what that means.
It's definitely one of us.

- This has Debbie written all over it.
- Ugh.

Just this morning, she
called me a smelly skid mark.

- Me too.
- And me.

Which I loved.

Makes sense.
She's escalating.

Like a serial k*ller.

I called you all skid marks
because that's what you are.

I mean, look at your faces.

Skid mark, skid mark, skid mark.

I don't make the news about
your faces... I just report it.

Stop! We're not getting anywhere
accusing each other like this.

We need to move on
to the next step,

examining the physical evidence.

We've already looked at the box.

Now it's time to take a look
at everyone's underwear.

I'm just gonna tell you
right now,

mine is a neck-to-ankle
Richie Rich onesie

and I refuse to be ashamed.

ALYSON: You know, the
steadiest part of the human

body is the mouth.

My God.

Say your farewells.
Your dad might die tonight.

Ooh. Maybe I'll try one
of these... vegetables.

Oh, no. Did I leave a whole
zucchini on that platter?

[chewing sounds]

Weird.
But not sexual.

- Oh, my.
- Oh, no.

- It's working on him.
- Ooh!

Deli meat! I like to bite
a hole out of the center

of the deli slice
and lick around the edges.

It's where the good salt is.
Mmm.

- [chewing sounds]
- Oh, Lord.

Excuse me for one moment.

[laughing]

[muffled groaning]

Okay. So,
anything and everything

she's doing is working on you.

But you can still
turn this around.

When you go back in there,

bring up the least sexy thing
you can think of.

I guess I could try.

What if I asked her
if she'd like to whittle

some hardwood sometime?

- Beef, no.
- Yep, I'll think of something else.

Underwear on.
Check, check.

Russell.
Underwear, please.

Oh. No, thank you.

Russell, we all
showed our underwear,

and I accidentally showed
the top of my butt cr*ck.

- For compliments.
- Well, it was very long.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Okay, okay, fine.
You got me.

I'm not wearing underwear!

I have a clinically
claustrophobic wiener!

- It's diagnosed!
- Guys, Russell is too much of a...

how do I put this kindly...
a doof to pull this off.

[sighs]
Thank you, Henry.

Well, who did it then?
We're getting nowhere.

- [doorbell rings]
- [gasping] Oh, God.

Oh, right.
[chuckles] The new pizza.

Uh, my mom said
you had underwear in your pizza,

so we, like,
legally had to replace it.

But this time
I'm opening it in front of you

and showing you that it's pizza

and walking it all the way in,
'cause I'm not driving here again.

Wait, aren't you in our grade?

Yeah. Amelia.
I just started.

My mom used to homeschool me because she

didn't want me around
so many white kids.

But then we got to the
trigonometric ratios chapter

in algebra and she said,

"You know what?
I don't need this."

- [gasping, screaming]
- BETHANY: Now we're talkin'.

- HENRY: Aah! More underwear!
- RUSSELL: Aah! The pizza!

- [gasps] Pepper-oh-no-ni.
- We're all gonna die!

Okay, what in the hell
is going on here?

Someone at this party

has kidnapped
and/or destroyed two pizzas

and presented us with two pairs
of defecated drawers.

Okay, wait, did somebody
bring two pairs

of poop underwear with them or
did they poop during the party?

And which is more diabolical?

Uh, idea... would you want
to stay and be our investigator?

You're not a suspect and you're
obviously amazing at questions.

Oh, absolutely. I could use
a little break from my mom.

I love her, but,
whenever she eats, she says...

[Scottish accent]
"Get in ma belly" first.

- I've had enough.
- Okay. Well, then...

[Scottish accent]
get in ma party!

I feel like you didn't
hear a word I just said.

Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.

So we can backtrack to the step

where the detective
interrogates suspects.

- Sure.
- If you want, I could be your partner.

No, thank you.
I work alone.

- Oh, she's good.
- Trying to flatter me, huh?

I'll talk to you first.

I've only known you
for minutes,

but I've gathered
that you love drama.

Enough to create some
of your own?

[gasps]
How dare you.

Shove me up against a wall.
Shove me!

I know it was you.
You're obsessed with underwear.

You think poop is hilarious.

Yeah.
You know who else does?

A little lady named America.

You think I wanted big undies
at my party?!

- Well, I didn't.
- How do you explain this?

Oh, this is a letter I wrote to
my dad for Father's Day telling

him I think he's doing a great job.

Well, I found it on the fridge,
and it's very nice.

- Confess!
- I never ate my twin in the womb

like I've been claiming
my whole life.

She just disappeared,
and I miss her every damn day.

I downloaded Nights in Rodanthe

when my parents
went out one night.

I've seen things
you wouldn't believe.

I'm just very content
in my life right now.

I feel like
I'm making great choices.

Why would you want
to ruin Judy's party?

I wouldn't!
She's my best friend for life.

I'd rather cut off my own butt
than ruin her party,

and I love my butt.

Oh, I wish I did this. It's the
only good thing I've ever seen.

Okay! Once a month,
I take a sip of my mom's perfume

and then fill it with water
so she doesn't notice!

- Is that all?
- Yes. Wait, no.

I didn't invent iced tea.
I just really like it.

I've heard enough.

Honestly, I find it just as fun

to put Jenga away
as it is to play it.

I wonder why they never talk
about that in the commercials.

Speaking of commercials, there
was one for chicken breasts...

Permafrost! Um...

Anyone here interested in...
permafrost?

Oh, yes.
Isn't it just amazing?

Did you know
permafrost can go as deep

as two miles into the Earth?

I didn't. Why are you
so interested in permafrost?

- Oh. It's dumb.
- It is certainly not dumb.

- It's un-dumb.
- I just...

I find it fascinating
that way down in the Earth

are these plants.

I mean, they're still alive,
just, you know,

waiting to be discovered
and thawed out.

And, whenever I feel depressed,

I just think
about those little plants,

and it cheers me up to know

there's all this living stuff
underneath us,

just waiting to bloom.

I've never thought of it like that.

So, should we watch some
old Arsenio Hall tapes or...

- Sweetheart, shut the hell up.
- Roger that.

- All right. I'm ready to solve the mystery.
- Wait, wait, wait!

While you were doing
the interrogations,

I looked in both pizza boxes
again for clues

and I found kitty litter.

I think somebody made
those skid marks with cat poop.

Aw.
[singsongy] Who here has a cat?

[gasps] Gill.
Gill has a cat.

[breathy chuckling]

Oh. Do I?

Do I?!

[cackling]

Oh, my God.
A Ziploc of cat turds?

- So you did it?
- Yeah. I did it.

- But why?
- Why? Why?!

Because I go
to a million parties, Judy.

- A million?
- And nobody even knows I'm there.

No one remembers me.

But, tonight, I made my mark.

My skid mark.

- How did you do it?
- Like I just said...

people rarely know
I'm even there.

So when the first pizza arrived,

I just walked over, took it out and put

a pair of my Grammy
Beavers' underwear in it,

which I pre-skid-marked
with cat poop.

But, Gill, you've always
had a big crush on Judy.

Why would you ruin her party?

I guess I'm just a bad boy.
The kind that Judy likes.

- Nope.
- What?

I said nope.
I'll tell you what's cat poop...

this confession.
And the cat poop...

[gasping, groaning]

- Oh, my God!
- No!

- ...is delicious.
- What?

- Huh?
- Because it's chocolate.

And the fact that
Gill has a crush on Judy

was the final clue I needed
to find the real culprit.

It wasn't you, Gill.
It was Kima.

- [thunderclap]
- Huh?

Sorry. Mom again. Making
sure I put in my retainer.

But, Kima, why?

How? You-you wanted
to ruin my party?

Uh-uh. She did it because
she wanted to save

- your party.
- Oh.

I... get it... now.

It's okay
if you don't get it, baby.

Okay. Well, then
I do not get it now.

Amelia's right. The inspiration
hit at school this morning.

I saw your face when you heard
about Stacie B's party.

You were worried,
and you had reason to be.

I love your parties, Judy.

Like the party
where you gave us three hours

to make our own newspaper.

Super stressful but super fun.

But we're getting older,
and now the parties kids want

to go to are basically just
drinking and making out.

So, I wanted tonight
to be unforgettable.

In the hallway,
I told you I texted my mom,

but, really, I texted Gill
and asked if he wanted to help.

He texted back heart emojis.

We were in business.

I met Gill out front. He gave me

the underwear.
I gave him the chocolate turds.

We made some marks. Then I
put the turds in my pocket.

KIMA: Then we stashed
the pizza in Gill's car

and put the underwear
and the note in the box.

And then Gill cleverly outed
himself as the m*rder*r,

ruining the m*rder mystery
but starting the real party.

I am, in fact, the m*rder*r.

But what about
the second underwear?

We weren't planning on
a second pizza,

- so we had to improvise.
- And as luck would have it,

I had a second pair of undies
in my backpack,

because I love my Grammy Beavers

and I always want
to have her with me.

Okay, we're just
not reacting to that?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

After the phone call
to the pizza place,

I knew I had exactly minutes.

So I had a quick sidebar with Gill.

AMELIA: When I walked in with the pizza,

everyone was in the room
except Kima.

I'll admit, I have no idea
how she made the lights go off.

I know if you plug in two things

in the bathroom
at the same time...

JUDY: The fuse blows.

I remembered
from when we played hair salon

- and made paninis in there.
- When it went dark,

I put the underwear in the box.
I felt so alive!

AMELIA: And he threw
the pizza at the wall.

When I heard
Gill had a crush on Judy,

it all fell into place.

I knew who had taken the fall
for Kima's crazy scheme.

Someone who would do anything
to make tonight fun.

You got some
good friends here, Judy.

Well, I thought
this m*rder mystery party

was gonna be really dumb.

But this is only
the second slow clap of my life.

The first is when
my Aunt Katherine

finally told my mom
no one likes her lasagna.

She puts bananas in it!
Anyway, great party, Judy.

I'm a little sad that no one
vomited, but I enjoyed myself.

- [all agreeing]
- That was a fun night.

Good night, Gill.
And thanks.

It was an honor to turd
my grandma's underwear for you.

Okay. [chuckles]
So we're cool?

Well, you're cool.

I'm just happy to be
your kinda nerdy friend.

You're not my nerdy friend.
You're my best friend.

I mean, you're the only person
who's ever come

to me and my mom's very
secret berry picking spot.

My dad doesn't even know
where it is.

And I'll never tell him.

So, guys, if I call my mom,
can I join this slumber party?

I invite myself to things.
Homeschool!

- I have no social skills.
- Then we have a lot in common.

So, I guess we're both interested
in permafrost tunnels.

Yes, but it might be a mistake

for us to go to one together
right now.

Indeed.
It's been a long time since I, uh...

went into a permafrost tunnel.

Yes. And I think I would want
to visit a permafrost tunnel

with you more than once
and also talk to you,

which is rare for me.

Well, I believe this is your car.

- That is a large rock.
- Correct. Sorry.

You make me nervous.

You make me nervous, too.

Night, Beef.

[groaning]

Mmm. This pizza's not bad
for being thrown against a wall.

Hey, Jude. Heading to bed.
How was your party?

There was a lot more underwear
than we were expecting.

- How was your date?
- It was too much and not enough.

You're a child
I haven't seen before.

- Name's Amelia.
- Hello, Amelia.

Her family owns DeGigantico's.

I love that place.
It's-a too-a big-a.

Good night, ladies.

So, Amelia, when you
bit into that cat poop,

how sure were you
that it was chocolate?

Eh, %, %?

Wow. That is wild.
[chuckles]

[Scottish accent]
Get in ma friendship.

Judy. No.

♪ We are
Period accurate hats ♪

♪ Boo-boo-ba-doo ♪

♪ Pretty as flowers ♪

♪ And coy as cats ♪

♪ A church cap
to marry your first husband ♪

♪ A widow's hat for when he's
annoying and you bludgeon ♪

♪ I'm a hat for sh**ting ♪

♪ A hat for shading ♪

♪ A hat for dining
and a hat for promenading ♪

♪ We are
period accurate chapeaus ♪

♪ What's under us? ♪

[chuckling]

♪ No one knows. ♪