01x16 - A Cute Asphyxiation

[bunniefuu]

Mmm.
[yawns]

Oh, morning.

Morning.

You son of a bitch.

You brushed your teeth.

No, I didn't.

Liar-- your breath
smells fantastic!

It's genetic.

I have a recessive mint gene.

[sniffs]
Oh, my God.

Deodorant, too?

You monster!

I just want
to be pretty for you.

Is that so wrong?

Last night was great.

-Pretty wild.
-Yeah, tell me about it.

The bed started out
on the other side of the room.

[laughs]

So, hey, you want
to get lunch later?

Sorry, can't. I have a
1:00 with my oncologist.

How about dinner
Wednesday?

Uh...

No.

I've got a renal function panel
on Thursday morning.

I have to fast
the night before.

How about breakfast
after my panel?

I'm meeting my
nutritionist.

Making adjustments
to my diet.

What about Thursday
afternoon?

Nephrologist appointment.

Okay, I'd say
Thursday night,

-but I have acupuncture.
-Friday?

No, I have dialysis
Monday, Wednesday, Friday.

And then Maddie all weekend.
How about next week?

CAT scan, internist,
pedicure.

Not medical, but I'd hate to rip
a hole in these nice sheets.

Okay, now we're looking
at the week after that.

Which is when I start
my next round of chemo.

Cancer.

What a d*ck.

Renal failure's
a real nut crunch, too.

Hey, how about
after chemo, I come by

and take care of you?

[winces]
I don't want you

to see me after chemo.

I'll be sweaty...

and pukey...

disgusting.
Okay.

Well, I will just drink
some expired buttermilk

and we can be
disgusting together.

You do have
two bathrooms, right?

Drew.

Fine.

Well, I'm wide open 2029.

Hey, me, too. You know,
if we're still alive.

We're alive now.

You probably use that line
on all the dying chicks.

You charmer.

Oh, oh...

♪ The more you give ♪ The more you give♪

♪ The more you live ♪ The more you live♪

♪ Your happiness is relative ♪ Happiness♪

♪ But if you're feeling
like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact

♪ It's your prerogative

♪ Your prerogative♪

♪ To be positive.

Look at this.

Half off a cruise

-around the Amalfi Coast.
-Ah.

Ten days of sun and fun

in Italy...

from the tip of the boot

to the top of the knee.

-Ah, this looks amazing.
-Mm-hmm.

I've never been on a cruise

that didn't have the word
"booze" in front of it.

I used to go with my daughter
all the time.

We had so much fun.

You know, before she went
to college and realized

I ruined her life.

So what do you say?

About what?

The cruise.
Come with me. My treat.

Norma, no, that's crazy.

What?

It's my money
and I get to spend it

on people I love.

So either you come
with me on a cruise

or I send a check
to Burt Bacharach.

Huh, what do you say?
Please?

It would mean a lot.

Aw.

It would be amazing.

And I have seen every episode
of The Sopranos,

so I basically speak Italian.

So...

is it a yes?

All right, yes!

Let's go!

We can pick up
a father and son on the boat.

You get the father.

I like it.

Sock on the doorknob
means take another lap

around the lido deck.

Hey, you're both here.

I'd like to introduce you

to my...

girlfriend?

Oh, what the hell.

Adriana, this is Gina,

my kidney donor,
and Norma,

her friend who almost b*rned
down a retirement home

and now lives
in my guest room.

And we'll all pretend that
wasn't an awkward introduction.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too,
dear. I'm glad to see

that Drew has
found someone.

Proof that there's
an ass for every saddle.

Did I mention she
lives here rent-free?

I'll just go and tidy up
in the kitchen.

Ciao, bella.

[Italian accent]:
Drew's girlfriend can do better.

[laughing]

Drew can't stop talking
about you.

He walks around with this
dopey grin on his face,

like a baby with gas.

Like...

[Adriana laughing]
Mm.

-No, I don't.
-Mm...

No, that's not how I-- well, uh,

I hope you enjoyed
meeting her because you'll

never see her again.

[laughs] You know
what we should do?

Double date with me and Eli.

Great.
Our schedule's a bit tight.

So 6:00 a.m. at the hospital
vending machine sound good?

We can move some things
around to make it happen.

Hey, um, call me
after your blood panel?

Only if you tell me
about your urine sample.
Mmm.

Oh, my God.

That was so romantic.

What's up, Justin? It's your boy
Eli Russell of the Seahawks.

Somebody's becoming a man today.

Mazel tov, bar mitzvah boy!

Now go tackle
that Torah portion.

And... first Cameo video done.

-Easy hundred bucks.
-Yeah.

[sputters] A few years ago,
I was making millions.

Now I'm doing Cameos
and autograph signings.

Maybe I should sell
some of my football stuff.

What? No.

Why not?
I could get

some nice cash
for my jerseys and helmets.

Even more
for my Super Bowl ring.

But you love that ring.

It's the only
piece of jewelry

that has its own
Twitter account.

I got to do something.

Even if I find a buyer
for this house,

I'll be lucky to break even.

Hey, what if we set
this place on fire

for the insurance money,
and as the words are coming

out of my mouth, I can
see that it's wrong,

unless you think
it's a good idea?

Let's call that plan B.

All right, what's next?

Okay.

Um, this one's

for Bob in Wheaton, Illinois.

-Mm-hmm.
-He's a big Seahawks fan.

And his wife wants you
to wish him a speedy recovery

from his testicular torsion.

Hey, Bob, it's Eli Russell
of the Seahawks.

I heard your boys are taking
a little time-out.

So don't touch down...

there for a while.

So you really know somebody
who can burn down my house?

[laughter]

I can't believe you two went
to high school together.

Did you ever,
you know, hook up?

I hooked up... a lot.

And Drew didn't...

ever.

That's not true--
I hooked up...

the audio-visual
equipment.

Aw.

All right, here you go.

Thank you.
Oh!

I think you dropped this.

Oh. Thanks.

What's that?

Well, I was gonna wait
till later, but since

we all saw it and we're
wondering what it is,

go ahead, open it.

Oh, wow.

It's the shirt
from the vintage shop next door.

-GINA:
-Oh, I loved the
Spice Girls, too.

I was all about...

[British accent]:
Sporty Spice.

I can see that.

I was all about Baby Spice,

but then I matured
into Posh.

I tried to hook up
with Scary Spice

at a party after
the Pro Bowl.

And?
[British accent]:
She lived up to her name.

How'd you do this?

Oh, well, when I said

I went to the bathroom,
I actually just

went over and got it.

I want you to
remember this night.

And that when you
tell me what you want--

what you really,
really want-- I listen.

[laughter]

Well, it's
a very sweet gesture.

Thank you.

I'm gonna run
to the restroom.

So if you're expecting me
to come back with a gift,

it's gonna be
a feminine hygiene product.

-I love her.
-I like her. She's funny.

My treat.

No, I got this.
No, you don't.

Let it go, Drew.

Good, I was bluffing.

Hey, I'm a little cold.

Would you mind getting
my coat from the car?

It's the fuzzy pink one.

Mm, I get it-- you two want
to dish on your dates.

I'll leave you to the girl talk.

Thanks, babe, you're the best.

Hate to see you go.

Love to watch you leave.

You have to pay for dinner.

I'll just tell him
I'll get it next time.

Which is what I said
last time.

He never remembers.

-No, Drew, you have to!
-Why?

Promise not to say
anything to anybody,

but... Eli's broke.

What? Really? Since when?

And why did he tell you
before me?

I'm his best friend.

I mean, he's never
actually said that.

-But does he have to?
-I'll tell you more later.

But he didn't trust
the right people,

and now he's living
on his credit cards,

and he's gonna sell
his Super Bowl ring.

Oh, my God.

That ring means
everything to him.

You cannot tell him I told you.

Okay, yes.

Fine.

I wish I'd have known about this

before we ordered
mozzarella sticks

for the table, but whatever.

I got some bad news.

The guy who was financing
my one-man show backed out.

What happened, did he see it?

I'm sorry.

Uh, with Samantha being
out of town,

I'm trying to be the sassy one,

and it's not working.

He wanted me to put
his girlfriend in it,

which is a bit hard
since it's a one-man show.

Well, if it would help, I could
put in a couple hundred dollars.

-Same here.
-I'm good for a grand.

-Seriously?
-That's a little generous,
isn't it?

Hey, if we can't help each
other, what are we here for?

Yeah, Drew.

Mind your business.

All right, later, guys.

JERRY:
See you, Eli.

[door closes]

Gideon, you cannot take
that money.

Oh, honey, watch me.

-No, I'm serious, you can't.
-Why not?

[sighs]
Okay.

You know what,
promise you won't say anything,

but Eli is having
money problems.

Oh, like mo' money,

mo' problems.

No.

Mo' like no money, big problems.

[stammers]

How bad is it?

Bad enough
that he's talking about

selling his Super Bowl ring.

What?!

He loves that ring
more than anything.

I know because I've
literally heard him say,

"I love you
more than anything, ring."

How do you know this?

He told Gina.

Which is a little hurtful

because I am his best friend.

Oh, I hate that he thinks
he has to hide this from us.

And me. Mainly me.
Best friend, so...

Oh, my God, here it is.

His Super Bowl ring is
up for auction.

People are already
bidding on it.

Such a shame.

So sad.

Yeah.

At least
his last thousand dollars

will go to something worthwhile.

It was a joke.

Okay, maybe it wasn't.

[knock on door]

[knocking continues]

Hey.

-What are you doing here?
-Well...

it's your chemo week,
so I thought you might want

some company to cheer you up.

I told you I didn't want
to see anybody,

and I didn't want anybody
to see me.

Oh, just think of me
as your nurse.

Your chemo-sabe, if you will.

-Please stop.
-Oh, I'm just getting started.

You got your jigsaw puzzle,
book of jumbles.

Drew...

And I sent you
this chemo playlist

with great motivational songs.

Stuff like "I Will Survive,"
"Don't Stop Believing,"

"I'm Still standing,"
"Tears in Heaven."

Oh, I'm so sorry, that
should not be in there.

I can't do this right now.

And I brought you some food.

Don't worry, it's
-chemo-friendly.
-Oh, God!

[Adriana retching]

Oh. I'm sorry.

[retching continues]

You need me to come in there

-and hold your hair back?
-No!

You sure? I don't mind.

That was half my social life
in college.

[toilet flushes]

Will you please just go?

Come on, I'm just trying to
make things easier for you.

If you really want to make
things easier, you'll leave!

Okay, fine.

Hey, guys.

-Hey, there he is.
-Hey, big guy.
Eli! [laughs]

Everything all right?

Couldn't be better.

So good.

Why is everybody smiling?

Looks like I'm walking
into a scene from Get Out.

[Jerry laughs]

We got you a little something.

Open it.

My ring?

It didn't seem right that
someone else should have it.

You've always been
so generous with us.

Yeah, we know

you're going through
a tough time,

and we just want
to be there for you.

Gina told you, didn't she?

Only because she cares
about you.

Not as much as me, bestie.

Congratulations, you guys
just bought yourselves

a Super Bowl ring.

[overlapping protests]
I'll come back this afternoon.

[door opens]

[door slams]

So how are we doing this,
like a month

at each of our places?

What do you think?
I want to look

young enough to attract
an interesting man,

yet old enough to get
a seat on the lifeboat.

You look great,

but, uh, listen, I've been
thinking about the cruise,

and I'm not the one
you should take.

I can take Eli? Great.

You should take your daughter.

Ah, no, that would be
a disaster.

One of us would end up selling
the other to Somali pirates.

Or you'd be stuck
in the middle of the ocean

with no choice but to get drunk
and work out your differences.

Come on, I want to
-have fun on this trip.
-Grandma,

you only have one daughter.

How many more chances
are you gonna get?

All right, I'll think about it.

But I'd rather take Eli.

[phone chiming]

[gasps]

Speak of the devil. Hey.

I can't believe you
told Drew I'm broke.

I didn't-- Oh, I wasn't...

[sputters]
Oh, I'm so sorry.

He told the whole dialysis
group, and they all pitched in

and bought my ring back.
It was embarrassing.

I only told him
because you were gonna

pick up the check at dinner.

Do you know how hard it was

for me to tell you about this?

I trusted you.

Well, can we get together
and talk about it?

No.

I don't want to talk.
I got to go.

[phone chiming]

Yeah?!

Quick heads-up, I may have
spilled the beans about Eli,

and he's pretty upset.

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

But you may already know that.

WOMAN [on TV]:
It's just so hard when you guys
just speak so mean...

Hey.
Hey.

Everything that we've built...

I think I owe you an apology.

These holes are my friends,
these holes are...

[turns TV off]

I'm not mad at you.

I mean, I was mad at you,

and I'd throw away
your toothbrush.

It's... seen some things.

Eli's pretty upset, huh?

Yeah. He's not answering
any of my calls.

Aw. Maybe he couldn't pay
his phone bill.

Too soon.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I'm in the same boat
with Adriana.

I brought her all this stuff
to cheer her up after her chemo,

and she bit my head off.

Why? It sounds like you were
trying to help her.

Yeah, just like how you were
-trying to help Eli.
-Exactly. You get it.

-Right?
-Ugh. What is up with people?

-They're the worst.
-Oh...

Drew?

Is it possible...
that it's our fault?

Oh, it is definitely
our fault.

[groans]

Why do relationships
have to be so hard?

[sighs]
I have no idea.

It should just be
-like you and me.
-Yeah.

I don't have to worry
about what I say to you.

-We get along great.
-Yeah.

When you're not
microwaving your bra.

It makes my boobs cozy.

You should really let me
do your boxers.

Your balls would be so happy.

Yes, they'd like that.
They've had a tough year.[laughs]

See? This is how
it should be.

No drama, no pressure.

Just two people where
things are easy.

Exactly. How come everybody
can't be like us?
Mm.

Guess what!
Oh, Norma.

I just invited my daughter

on the cruise, and she said yes.

Oh, good for you.

-I'm so glad you asked her.
-Yeah.

Now we'll spend ten days
rehashing

all the terrible things
I did as a mother.

If I come back without her,
don't call Dateline.

Then why are you
doing this?

Because this one
made me see that

if a relationship
is important,

you got to do the work.

I'm very wise.

Thank you, kiddo.

I'm gonna text Adriana,

let her know I'm thinking
about her, nothing more.

Yeah, I'm gonna text
Eli and let him know

I'm here whenever
he's ready.

Yeah, you should
totally do that.

-[chuckles]:
-Yeah.

Hey.

Thanks.

For what?

For just being you.

You, too.

And seriously, you should
throw away your toothbrush.

[doorbell rings]

Hi.

My God, hey.
You look great.

Not that you
looked bad last time.

You just look less bad.

Oof, can I start over?

You definitely should.

Oh, my God, hey,
you look great.

Period. Nothing else.

[laughs]

I'm feeling human again,

and this human misses you.

I'm sorry if I was
a little harsh.

Oh, no, I'm sorry
I wasn't listening to you.

And I just wanted to
pack as much as I could

into every moment.

-Why? 'Cause I have the Big C?
-Well,

if that "C" means "cute,"
then yes.

It feels like you're
commemorating every moment

because you don't think
I have that many left.

Which might be true.

But don't keep reminding me.

I just want our time
together to be special.

It already is.

Okay, so, uh,
what do you want to do?

Right now?
Yeah.

I would like to eat some

serious junk food and watch
any television show

where Brits politely
tell people

[British accent]:
their baking sucks.

[British accent]
"Your bread is underproofed."

[laughs]

But I do have some
chemo-healthy snacks

that I think would be better ...ew!

How does two Hot Pockets
and a bag of Cheetos sound?

See, now you're listening to me.

Oh, no.

Please don't tell me

you're a Postmates driver now.

No, but I did find a gig,

and it pays me well enough
to buy you dinner.

Whoa.

[gasps]:
Meat lovers?

Must be some big gig.

Well, maybe, eventually.

I'm starting a podcast
called Seahawk Nation

with one of my old teammates.

That's so great.
Mm-hmm.

I know it's gonna
be about sports,

but if there's any way
that you can throw in

some true crime,
I will definitely listen.

Are you feeling better?

Not yet.

Now I am.

Look, I know you were
looking out for me,

same as the dialysis crew,

so I'm gonna patch things up
with them tomorrow.

With or without the kissing?

Because I'm pretty sure
that Drew's gonna want

to smooch a little.
Mm.

I'll play it by ear.

Gonna thank them
for their gesture

-and take my ring back.
-Yeah!

What are they gonna do
with a Super Bowl ring?

And that, Amber, is how
I caught the pass

that won the Super Bowl.

All right.

Oh, hey.

Check this out.