02x01 - Love, Taxes and a Kidney

[bunniefuu]

Previously onB Positive...

You're ready for
your transplant.

Really? As soon as they
get an opening

in the schedule,
you'll be getting her kidney.

All right, I need you
to count backwards from ten.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Hit that with a sponge for me?

Thank you.

Want to give me
a little room here?

Sorry.
That's just a lot of blood. Step away.

All right.

We've revealed
the external iliac vein.

Can we bring in the kidney,
please?

Kidney here!
Fresh, ice-cold kidney!

Gina?

Drew! It is so good to see you.

How are you doing?

Honestly, a little nervous.

Understandable.

Whoa, that is a lot of blood.

Still waiting on that kidney.

Oh, sorry.

Ah.

Smells like chicken.

Time's a-wastin'.

Incoming!

What are you doing?

Whoa. That's my kidney!

Please stop. Oh, come on,

live a little.

I... am...

trying... to...

live a little.

Can we crank up the happy juice?

♪ The more you give ♪ The more you give ♪

♪ The more you live ♪ The more you live ♪

♪ Your happiness is relative ♪ Happiness ♪

♪ But if you're feeling
like crap ♪

♪ It's time to face the fact

♪ It's your prerogative

♪ Your prerogative ♪

♪ To be positive.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, honey.

Hey.

Hey.

Doctor said it went really well.

Oh. Great.

How's Gina?

She's fine.
Room right next door.

Thank God.

I'm so happy you're okay.

Ah, me, too, baby.

Me, too.

I want to see Gina.

I'll go get a nurse.

Want some water?

Yeah. Thanks.

Gina's really great, isn't she?

Ah, the best.

So, what happens now?

Is she, like,
gone from your life?

No, no, never. Gina
means everything to me.

Everything?

You mean you and her...?

No. I mean...

I don't know what I mean.

I wonder if I should
call her Gina or Mom.

Stop that.

Maybe Kidney Donor Hump Buddy.

Aunt Gina.
Just call her Aunt Gina.

Can you grab me a water?

You're right there.

Yeah, but I gave you a
kidney, so you kind of owe me.

How long are you gonna hold this
over my head?

As long as it's funny.

You know, I think doctors
purposely make you wait

when they have
important test results.

Yeah. Girls
do that, too.

I had a boyfriend
who thought I was pregnant,

and I made him wait a long time
before I told him I wasn't.

Why'd you do that?

I had to make sure
he wouldn't flunk me.

Open my water.

Hey there.

Sorry for the wait. Are you?

Great news.
Your creatinine levels

are exactly
where they need to be.

So my body's not
gonna reject the kidney?

If it was going to, it
would have happened by now.

Drew! We did it!

We sure did!

I had something to do with it.
But okay.

Ah, I can't believe this.

No more dialysis.

No more worrying about dying.

Other than the normal worrying
about dying.

Speaking of which,
you must remember

to take your immunosuppressants
twice a day.

You got it. For the rest of your life.

Oh, don't worry, I'll stay
on top of the pills.

I kind of own his ass now.

All right, well, I'll
see you in six months.

Say thank you.

I was gonna say it.

Thanks, Doc.

Wow.

This is just...

great news.

Amazing.

Okay, well, I...
I got to get back to work.

H-Hang on, Gina.

I just got to say something.

What you've done for me...

I-I don't think
I'll ever be able to repay you.

You don't owe me anything,

other than to live a long life.

A good life.

You got it.

Oh, a part of me is inside you.

It's kind of weird.

No, it's not weird.

It's beautiful.

Okay, thatwas weird.

You didn't even drink
your water.

All right, you are all set.

Um...

I kind of have to pee.

You're kidding, right?

Don't worry, I-I can hold it in.

Yeah. You can.

I got an empty Gatorade bottle
in my bag for emergencies.

It's yours.

Thank you.

Uh, not to brag,
but is it a wide mouth?

Quick question, you guys.

Who has two thumbs and a fully
functioning, brand-new kidney?

This guy.

Congratulations.

So your blood tests
came back clean? Yep.

I am good to go.

That's great.
I'm happy for you, man.

So happy for you.
No jealousy at all.

I'm totally fine
strapped to this machine

cleaning my blood
three days a week.

So again...
just happy for you.

Thanks.

So...

how about I take you guys
out to a celebratory lunch?

Uh, sorry, we just strapped in.

Another time?

Right. Sure.

Should have called ahead.

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

I used to sit there.

Okay.

Hi.Hi.

I got me a new kidney.

I heard.

So, are you two a couple, or...?

Okay. Well, I guess
I'll see you guys around.

Around where?

Yes, Jerry.

Good one.

Okay, Dunbar out.

Well, that was uncomfortable.

Which one did you give him,
the left or the right?

Right.

So now your left kidney's doing
all the work?

I guess.

That doesn't seem fair.

Do you even know
what kidneys do?

They clean the blood of toxins

and transform the waste
into urine.

Good for you.

I googled it
so I could brag about you.

You know what's weird?

Ever since the operation,
I've been feeling,

I don't know...

stupidly happy.

They give you dr*gs? Not
the stupid happy kind.

So you went through this
for nothing?

When you're done in here,

strip the bed in 206
and toss the mattress.

No. Mr. Knudsen? Yeah, heart att*ck

on the toilet.

That's so sad.

He was always constipated.
It was bound to happen.

Chop-chop.
Let's move it.

I really liked him.

He was such a sweet old man.

Yeah, I think...
I think he had a crush on you.

Oh, it was harmless.
His own daughter

wanted nothing to do with him,

so he kind of adopted me.

Forgot.

Gina, Knudsen apparently

left something in his will
for you.

Expect a call from a lawyer.

What about me?
Did he leave anything for me?

Yeah. A truly horrifying mess
in his bathroom.

I wonder what he left me.

I'll give you 20 bucks
to swab out the toilet.

Not a chance.25.

Let me see your money.

Hello!

Kitchen!

Oh, this is nice.Yes.

I thought I'd make dinner
a little special.

Ooh. Wine?

Please.

On sale at Trader Joe's.

12 bucks. Have to buy it.

Have to.

A toast.

Oh, okay.

To life, Mm.

To love, to happiness.

Okay, sure.

Mm.

Drew, I have to tell you something.
Actually,

I need to tell you
something first.

Okay, but mine is more... Please can I say

what I have to say
before I lose my nerve?

Okay.

Gina, uh...

we've been friends
for a year now, and while I

cherish that relationship,

I was thinking maybe we...

I'm rich!

What?

Mr. Knudsen d*ed taking a poop

and left me $48 million!

What?

He was a wonderful old man.

He was kind, funny...

Struggled with his bowels...

But he always treated me
like I was a real person,

not some loser working
a crappy minimum wage job

at an old age home,
and now he is gone, and-and...

I'm insanely rich!

So this is all mine?

Not all of it.
There's taxes.

How much? About half.

So $24 million? Give or take.

Uh, are you okay?

I just had a little orgasm.

This is unbelievable.

Crazy, right?

I should have got
a better bottle of wine.

So, what did you want
to tell me? Oh, it's not important.

Really? It seemed like a big deal.
I said it's not important, okay?

Whoa.

What was that?

Nothing. Sorry.

You mad at me?

No, of course not.

Please, eat.

We have to celebrate
your good fortune.

Okay.

I'm just a little off today.

Maybe my new meds.

Sure.

Would you feel better
if I bought you a car?

Very funny.

Wait, would you actually...

No. My Civic's fine.

A car you can trust.

So, what are you gonna
do with all this money?

Oh, I have no idea.

My whole life,
I've barely ever had $48,

and now I have $48 million.

$24 million. Don't
forget the taxes.

Mm.

What if I don't pay them?
What are they gonna do to me?

Put you in jail.
For taxes?

No, I don't think so.

Hey.

Will you do me a favor?

Don't tell anybody
about the money.

Especially Eli.

Yeah, sure.

Is everything okay
with you guys?

Oh, I don't know.

Ever since he asked me
to move in

and I decided to stay here,
it's been weird.

Well, I'm sure you kids
will figure it out.

Or not.

I guess.

I'll probably move out anyway.

Really?

Well, yeah. I mean,
millionaires usually have

their own places, don't they?

Lady Gaga, Batman,
they all have their own places.

Makes sense.

Well, I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Bon appétit.

What do you know
about offshore tax shelters?

Can I get you anything, Norma?
No.

Cup or tea, maybe? No, thank you.

How about a bagel?
You like bagels. I have no money

to leave you, Gabby.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Uh, I work here. You also have

$48 million.

$24 million after taxes.

Mm, we'll see.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Like my hip is made
of broken glass.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you taking your pain meds?

Sometimes.

Norma, come on.

I don't like the way
they make me feel.

I get all sleepy and spaced out.

You say that like
it's a bad thing.

Well, at least let me get you
some Tylenol or something.

I'm fine.

Just leave me alone. Hey,

I know you're not feeling well,
but don't take it out on me.

Who should I take it out on?

Gabby.

She's no good.

Hey, get her some Tylenol.

Sure. Norma, I'm gonna
get you some Tylenol...

I have no money, Gabby.

So...

how is it being rich?

Oh, it's confusing.

I don't feel like I deserve it.

Why? Why not you?

You were very kind to that man.

You took time to listen
to his stories,

take him to the doctor,
get his hair cut.

That's just my job. No, no, no.

It was much more than your job.

You cared about him.

You have any idea
how much that means around here?

I'm gonna miss him.

Yeah. Me, too, honey.

Here you go, Norma.Thanks.

Uh, uh, Mrs. Prufrock,
cup of tea? Bagel?

Wait, slow down.

Can I help you?

Yes. Um, I'm not sure
if you remember me,

but I bought a burial plot
from you about a year ago.

Oh, sure.

Mr., uh, Dunlop, right?

Dunbar. But close.

Right. Darn.

Well, what can I do for you,
Mr. Dunbar?

Well, uh, this
is gonna sound a little odd,

but I was wondering if
the cemetery might buy it back?

Why?

Are you unhappy with it?

No, it's a great plot.Yeah.

If I recall, it's on a hilltop
under a copse of trees.

Terrific view.

Yeah. Very picturesque.

It's just, the thing is,

when I bought it
I wasn't doing so well, and...

Don't tell me.

You decided on cremation?

You're gonna do the,
uh, environmental,

ashes-in-the-ocean thing?

I got to tell you,
not really good for the fish.

No. No cremation.

No, th-the thing is...

I got a kidney transplant,
and I'm looking

to live a lot longer.

Well, uh...

good for you.

Thanks. Yeah, sure,

we'll buy it back.

Great. But I got to tell you,

you lose half your investment.

Why?

Well, think of it like
a car purchase.

The second
you drive it off the lot...

loses 50% of its value.

But I haven't driven it
anywhere.

It's just grass and dirt. Well, I'm sorry,

it's considered a used plot

whether you're lying in it
or not.

Now,

if you'll excuse me,

I have people
who are not as lucky as you

who need to be put
to their eternal rest.

Can I at least sublet it?

Hey, Eli.

Hey, let me ask you... how
are you fixed for a burial plot?

What? A burial plot.

You know,
a headstone, flowers...

enough room
for a tasteful crypt.

I'm good, Drew.

Listen, has Gina said anything
about me lately?

No. Why do you ask?

I haven't heard from her

the last couple of days,
and to be honest with you,

things have been... weird.

Really?

Is she seeing someone else?

Not that I'm aware of.

But who knows with women.
They are the original deceivers.

I always felt like I was
a little bit more into her

than she was into me, you know?

Maybe.

What does your gut tell you?

Part of me says I should
just break it off.

Hi. We're hoping to buy
a cemetery plot.

Oh, uh, got to go, Eli.

Trust your gut. Dump her.

Come with me.

I want to show you something
with a view.

Shoes.

Hmm.

And more shoes.

Ooh...

Look. Shoes!

What is this one?

What do you know? Shoes!

Hey.Hey.

Shoes!

Did a little shopping, huh?

I was feeling a little sad
this afternoon... shoes!...

So I decided

to spend some money...
Bought some shoes.

Shoes!

I see.

Also bought a couple
of Birkin bags... they're, like,

$30,000 each, which is totally
obscene until you own one,

and then they're
pretty wonderful.

You want one?

I think you could pull it off.

No, thanks.

Tomorrow
I'm going into the city,

and I'm buying a condo.

Maybe two condos.

One for my shoes.

Y-You're gonna live
in Manhattan?

I could. I don't have to.

I can... go wherever I want.

Wherever makes me happy.

That's what I'm gonna be.

Happy!

I don't know what's happening!

Aah. Ow!

Sorry. Louboutin.

Look, everything's gonna
be okay. You'll see.

Will it? I don't know!

I don't know anything!

Okay?!

I thought buying all this stuff
would make me feel better,

and it did, and then...
and then it didn't.

It just makes me...

I don't know what I am.

You're just
a little overwhelmed.

And that's
perfectly understandable.

How come I feel so awful?

What is wrong with me?

Oh, nothing is wrong with you.

Oh...

Are there support groups
for rich, unhappy people?

Not unless you want
to become a Republican.

But, hey, look,
the good news is,

you have someone in your life
who will care for you

no matter what, who can be
your support system, your...

your-your partner, even.

It's Eli.

You should get that.

Hi.

Yeah, sure, what's up?

Yeah, I know, things
have been kind of awkward.

Really? A weekend in Vermont?

That sounds great.

I could use a break.

Oh, no, everything's fine.

I'll-I'll tell you about it
over the weekend.

Okay.

Thanks. Bye.

You guys are going to Vermont?

Yeah, bed-and-breakfast.

He wants to start over,
get back to where we were.

Great. Great.

Hey. Thanks for letting
me vent all over you.

You're my best buddy.

Yeah.

I haven't heard that
since prom night.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

Sorry, I didn't know
where else to go.

What's going on?

I'm in love with Gina.

What...?

She's the one. I'm sure of it.

All right. Come talk to Gideon.

How do you know where I live?