07x01 - Archie's Brief Encounter: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ You're just too marvelous ♪

♪ Too marvelous for words ♪

♪ Like "glorious" ♪

♪ "Glamorous" ♪

♪ And that old
standby "e-namorous" ♪

Look at this.

Hey, hey, hey, old
blue eyes is back.

Hey, you know somethin'?

Them ultraviolet lights
in the "terlet" seats

always scare me.

Archie, that's to
sterilize the seat.

I know it's to sterilize,

but how does the light know
where the seat ends and I begin?

Refills?

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Ha!

Thank you.

You want some more sugar, sugar?

Oh, no, no, I'm on a diet,

but you just dip
your pinky in there,

that'll make it sweet, sweetie.

You are so cute!

Yeah, people always say that.

Hey, what's our joke for today?

Oh, hey, hey, I got a
new joke for ya today.

- No, no!
- Not the Martian joke!

- The Martian, the Martian!
- Give us a break!

Shut up!

There was this Martian, see,

and he lands here in New York.

So he's got the antennies up
there, ya know, blinkin' and flashin'.

He's over there on th
Avenue, and he ducks into a bar.

So right away, he sees
the pinball machine.

Pinball machine is
flashin' with the lights goin'

and the bells ringin'.

He goes over to the
machine, he puts his hand on it,

and he says, "Hey, what's a nice
girl like you doin' in a joint like this?"

I always get a
laugh outta Denise.

You are so adorable,
I could kiss you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Maybe I shoulda
took that for dessert,

because it's so delicious
and it ain't fattening.

Huh?

That's my Archie, the
super burger with everything.

Oh, you're-a so
adorable! I could kiss you!

Yeah, maybe I should
have had that for dessert.

It's delicious, and it
ain't even fattening!

Ooh!

Will you... People
looking at you,

they'll think we're three
kinds of fruit over here.

Hey, listen to
me, Arch, will ya?

You know that Denise over there?

She's just beggin'
you for some action.

Ah, would ya listen to Foley
the philangerer over here.

Jeez.

You really think so?

You can't miss.

Hey, look, she digs you, Archie.

Why don't you make
your move, man?

Make a move?

If I was to make
any kind of a move,

Edith'd k*ll me.

Who says Edith's
gotta know anyway?

You got a right to some fun.

Foley, I'm a married man,

which means that I ain't
got no right to no fun.

Hey, now, Archie,

what's wrong with a married guy havin'
someone stashed somewhere, man?

What the hell do I look
like, a congressman?

I'm a very legit,
law-abidin' guy,

you understand what I mean?

If I was to try
anything like that...

Which I wouldn't...

Edith would be sure to get wise.

She's loaded with
this, what do ya call,

woman's intermission.

That is baloney!

Look, tell her you
went bowlin' with me.

She'd believe that.

Well, she might believe that.

Or tell her you spent
the evening at my house.

She'd never
believe that, Whitey.

You know, Whitey,
poor old Archie Bunker.

Looks like our senior citizen
here is just a little bit over the hill.

Right on, my man.

Look like we talking candy to a
guy who ain't got no more teeth.

I got news for you.

I'm still as good as I ever was.

Didn't you hear the
old saying there?

Just 'cause there's
snow on the basement

don't mean there
ain't no fire in the roof.

Think that over a minute, huh?

That's heavy, ain't it?

♪ I'm dreamin' tonight
of my blue eyes ♪

Oh, you boys have a
good time now, ya hear?

We'll see you lovebirds later.

Ah, go on.

Well, okay, what's the damage?

Uh, . .

And don't forget to
look under the cup

for a little somethin' for
yourself there, Denise.

Thank you.

Here. Hey, you wouldn't believe

what them two dummies
was talkin' about over here.

What?

Well, they was sayin' that
because you and me kid around a lot,

and you take good care
of me when I come in here

that you and me...
well, you know.

What?

Ah, well...

Could I have one of them, uh, uh,
peppermint, uh, toothpicks there?

I...

Help yourself.

You know that perfume you're
wearing, it's really somethin'.

What is it? Faberge?

Something like that.

Take your time and enjoy it.

Ah, well...

Well, to hell with
the toothpick.

They say them things bust
your enamel anyhow, you know?

Uh, but... Denise, uh...

Somethin' else you
wanna say, Archie?

No, I ain't got the time.

Well, uh... in case you
ever have the time...

here's my number.

Excuse me.

Oops.

♪ Joey ♪

♪ Joey ♪

Hey, Jeanette MacDonald,
your Eddy Nelson's here.

Oh!

Hey, Archie.

Ah!

And he's ready for a
night to remember, Edith.

I brought home a bottle
of Taylor's tawny port here.

What is this?

Joey's potty!

What's it doin'
in the livin' room?

You tryin' to keep
flies outta the kitchen?

Oh, no. I'm gonna put it away

until Joey's ready
for terlet training.

He don't need no
training for that, Edith.

That's the best thing he does.

Well, Gloria says
that wrong training

can affect a child for life,
and I guess she's right,

'cause my mother had a
neighbor, Mrs. Applebaum,

and she had a little
baby, Wilton Applebaum,

and she started
training him too early,

and he kept
slidin' into the pot.

And they said it must
have affected his mind,

'cause he grew up to
be a terrible gambler.

And he was in this poker game
once, and this man said to him,

"Wilton, are you in the
pot?" and Wilton sh*t him.

You tell swell stories, Edith.

They're a little long,
but they're swell.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, get your mind
off everything tonight

but just you and me, huh?

Couple of blasts of
the tawny port here,

upstairs early, and
then, que seroo, seroo.

Come on, sit down over
here. Right on the lap.

You want me to sit on your lap?

That's right.

Just move a little forward,
Edith, so I can breathe here.

There, now, huh?

Let me tell you what happened
at the Sunshine Home today.

No, I don't wanna
hear that, Edith.

What is the matter
with you lately?

Every time I come home, you're
busy doin' a favor for the kids,

you're baby-sittin' for Joey,

or you're gallopin'
back and forth

between here and the
Sunshine Senior Citizens Home.

I mean, Edith, I feel kinda
neglected around here.

I'm worried about Mr. Kleeger.

Oh, jeez, old Sunshine Kleeger.

Ain't he dead yet?

Oh, no!

I'm worried about him because
he was so nervous today.

Sure, he's nervous.
He's , ain't he?

Oh, no! He's only .

Ah, jeez, a mere stripling.

He wasn't nervous
'cause he's .

He was nervous 'cause he
wants to propose to Mrs. Friedman,

and I got his teeth.

You got his teeth? Where?

Oh, right here.

I'll show you.

No, jeez! I don't
wanna look at...

Oh, she shows 'em to me anyway!

I picked 'em up at
the dentist for him.

Put 'em away, will ya?

I'd just as soon look
at the kid's potty.

Now, come on, here.

Now let's dwell on you and me.

First of all, hey, hey.

I got a hell of a new
story I wanna tell ya.

This is a swell joke.

There's this Martian, see,
and he lands in New York,

and he's over on th Avenue.

He's got his
antennies up in the air,

and they're blinkin'
and flashin' there.

All electrified.

And he goes into a bar.

That ain't the joke. What's
so funny about a bar?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Go ahead.

He goes into the bar, see, and the
first thing he sees the pinball machine,

so he goes over, he lays his
hand on the pinball machine,

and he says, "What
is a nice girl like you

doin' in a joint like this?"

Why don't you laugh there?

I'm waitin' to hear
what she said.

I know some people that
laughed like hell at that joke.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Tell it to me again.

No. Never mind,
never mind that, Edith.

How about a little toast
to start the evening, huh?

Here.

To Edith.

With you in my arms,
the moon in the sky,

love in my heart, and
one hand on your thigh.

Oh!

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, the hell with the phone!

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Kleeger.

Don't Kleeger know enough

not to interfere with
people's privates?

I can't understand ya.

Talk slower.

How can he talk at all

with his Jimmy
Carters in your pocket?

Oh, yeah!

Mr. Kleeger, I got
your teeth for ya.

Yeah, I'll bring 'em right over.

Oh, wait a minute...
You stay right there.

- Now wait a minute, Edith.
- That's right.

- Don't tell me... you ain't goin'...
- I gotta go.

Wait a minute, Edith! Now
you can't go out again tonight!

I won't be too late,

and this'll make
Mr. Kleeger so happy,

and maybe Mrs. Friedman.

Oh, Archie!

Don't do that!

Now your dinner's in
the fridge in a baggie.

Wait a minute.

Leave the dishes in the sink.

Edith, don't do
this. Edith, will ya...

Edith, I got plans
tonight for you and me,

and the plans ain't gonna
work unless you're here.

What the hell am I supposed
to do with myself after dinner?

I can listen to myself burp.

Bayside - ...

Nah!

Hi there. Is that you, Denise?

Guess who this is.

What do you mean,
you don't recognize...

the voice?

This is Archie.

Yeah.

Your super burger
with everything.

I was just, uh... I was
just here, you know...

The door's open,
Archie. Come on in.

I'll be right with you.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi there, Denise.

Hey... oh, boy, do you
look wonderful there.

So do you.

Did you have any
trouble finding the place?

Oh, no, this used to be
my old stompin' ground.

I don't live too far
from here, ya know.

I know where you live.

You do?

You're in the phone book.

Yeah, I make it every year.

Uh, I brung ya a
little wine over here.

Oh, ya didn't have
to bring anything.

I know that, but you know,
on evenings such as this,

it always helps.

I mean, makes it nice.

This here's your
Taylor's tawny port.

That's like a gentile
"Manishooitz."

It's "evaporooted"
a little bit there.

That's 'cause they don't put
the good corks in that no more.

Well, let's not just stand here.

No, the hell with standin' here.

What do ya wanna do?

Well, why don't you
make yourself comfy?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Thanks very much, Denise.

Jeez, it's a swell
apartment you got here.

Oh, thank you.

This is a real comfortable
chair here, ya know.

It fits like a glove if
my butt was a hand.

Well, now that you
know how close I am

and how comfy the chair is,

you won't have any
excuse for not dropping by.

Well, that's right.

I wouldn't have
no excuse for not...

comin' on over, ya know.

When I come, maybe this
could be my personal chair.

Mm-hmm.

Gee, I can't get over how
you look outta uniform.

Well, I mean...

you know, it's a
swell-lookin' dress.

Well, it's not exactly a dress.

It's sort of lounging pajamas.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
lounging pajamas.

I didn't bring nothin'
like that with me.

And that perfume, wow!

I mean, that really...

kinda "infilterates"
the "nosetrils."

You know, Archie,

I never heard anybody
put things the way you do.

Oh, I read a lot.

Oh.

Oh, here.

Look at this.

A little side order of
"horse ovaries" here.

I see you got my favorite
thing on there... salami.

I know. You ordered it the first
day you came in to the coffee shop.

Salami on rye.

You remember the
first thing I ordered?

I remember what you ordered,
what you wore, what you said.

You know, Archie,
you're kinda special.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Am I, uh... am I
embarrassing you?

No, no, no, the truth
ain't never embarrassing.

I, uh... ordered some beer.

You wanna wait
until it gets here,

or would you like
to have some wine?

Oh, no, we could
begin with the wine.

- You know, because...
- Okay.

Evenings such as this...

I always stay on the wine.

It's a habit I picked
up over in Europe.

Oh, did you travel in Europe?

Oh... yeah. All over Europe.

Well, I was mostly in Italy,

and I was mostly in
a place called Fouja.

See, I was stationed there.

That's where they
sent me over there, see,

in WWII... the big one.

Well, I, uh...

I'll bet you met some
pretty girls over there, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Course, us vets, we don't like
to brag too much about that,

but I can tell you one thing...

I made a few
chocolate bars pay off.

There was one particular girl.

Wow, a beauty, a real...
"tosaline little regaza."

That's Eye-taliano for girl.

You speak Italian?

Yeah. She taught
me everything I know...

All that "parlami
amore" stuff, ya know.

And that's the name of the song.

- You know that song?
- No.

"Parlami amore."

♪ Tutta la mia vida sei tu ♪

♪ Gli occhi tuoi
bella brillano ♪

♪ Fiamme di sogno scintillano ♪

It's a little dago waltz.

Though you ain't supposed
to say dago no more.

The wops get sore.

It goes, uh...

♪ Oh, dimmi che
illusione non e ♪

♪ Dimmi che sei tutta per me ♪

♪ Qui sul tuo
cuor non soffro pi ♪

♪ Parlami damore, Mari ♪

Holy jeez.

Who the hell is that?

Uh... who is it?

Beer from Kelsey's.

Kelsey's. My God.

Oh, come on in. I'll
get you the money.

Ah, good evening, Mr. Bunker.

Good evening. A
nice evening, huh?

Yeah, but it looks like it's
nicer for you than for me.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I'm workin'.

I don't know what you're doin'.

Listen, kid, come here, will ya?

I wanna talk to ya.
What's your name again?

My name is Carlos,

but you call me the spic kid.

Now, listen, I hadn't
oughta do that, Carlos.

And you gotta remind me
never to do that no more.

Okay. Don't do that no more.

Yeah, all right.

Now I wanna talk to you
like we say in your language,

like two hombres of
the world, understand?

You're gonna bribe me, right?

And you're gonna take it, right?

Right!

How much is the beer?

Uh, let's see here. It's .

All right, here's three dollars.

You keep the difference.

Wow! A half a buck!

I pay good for favors.

Now listen, what you see here...

I don't wanna read
about this here event

on the walls of Kelsey's terlet.

Not even in Spanish, capisce?

Sure, sure. I
understand, Mr. Bunker.

Listen, big deal. Who cares?

I don't care.

Nobody cares no more.

Why should you?

Listen, have yourself a ball!

Have a ball, know what I mean?

♪♪