07x04 - The Unemployment Story: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Joey's in the playpen,
sleeping like a baby.

That's what he is.

Oh.

Yeah.

Mmm, boy, is Michael
going to be surprised!

A Polish dinner just like
his mother used to make.

Well, it ain't every
day my son-in-law

write an article that's gonna
be published in a magazine.

Yeah, it's like having
a celebrity in the family.

Yeah!

The only person in my family
that ever got in the papers

was my cousin Fred.

He got his picture in
Sunshine and Health.

Isn't Sunshine and
Health a nudist magazine?

Yeah.

Did you get to see
cousin Fred naked?

No. Just his head and his feet.

The rest of him
was behind a cow.

Oh, Ma, look at the time!

Oh, my goodness, I got to get
upstairs and change for dinner.

Me too.

Turn the gas down
on the whatchmacallit.

Ma, it's kapusta viaprovina.

Ka... Oh, my goodness.

I don't know why they
make Polish jokes.

Them people ought to get a medal

just for speaking
their own language.

See you later, Ma.

Yeah.

Oh, there's my little Joey!

Welcome! Come on!

Oh, now, you be a good boy,

'cause Grandma's
gonna go upstairs

and get dressed
just for a little while.

Mmm-mmm.

Now, you be a good
boy. I'll be right back.

Keep on truckin'!

♪ Who's my little whosit? ♪

♪ Who's my turtle dove? ♪

Oh, look who's over our house!

Little Joey.

Heh heh heh.

All by his lonesome there, huh?

Hey, Edith, I'm home!

What, they leave
you here all alone?

Well, you just come on over here

and sit down and
have a little talk

with your poor old grandpa, huh?

Heh heh, yeah.

Oh, I wanna tell you
you're a beautiful kid

even though you
ain't got much hair yet.

Yeah.

It's almost a shame you gotta
grow up from this age, huh?

Boy, you 'bout to find out

what a rotten world this is.

Hope you never have
a day like I had today.

Work years of faithful
service for the same company,

and what do you
get for it? Thppbbt!

Oh, excuse me there, kiddo.

So, where is everybody, huh?

Where'd your grandma go?

Hey, Edith, come on down.

I gotta tell ya something.

Oh, Archie!

I didn't hear you come in,
on account of I was up in...

Yeah, we know, Edith, we know.

Look, uh... I'm gonna
put the baby back in here,

and then we gotta sit down, have a
little talk about somethin' important.

Oh, well, come on in the kitchen
and talk... We can't talk in...

'Cause I gotta stir my kapusta.
We can't talk in the kitchen.

Get back out here.

Edith... Edith,
come on, will ya?

This is important here.

What is that smell?

It's dinner!

It's like somethin' run in
off the street and d*ed here.

Oh, no, it's delicious.

I'm makin' it special
for Mike to celebrate,

'cause he's gonna have
his article published.

Come here to Grandma.

That's a boy.

We're gonna surprise him.

Yeah, well, Edith,

I got a little surprise for you,

and I think we better
sit down... Uh-oh!

Joey made a boom-boom!

I got it.

Now, no, no... you
don't have to do that now.

I'll be right back.
Can't you sit down?

Come on. Oh, come on, Edith.

You don't have to rip the kid's
clothes off the minute it happens.

Let him enjoy it.

We'll put him in his crib,

so he can take his nap.

I wanna talk about it now.

Would you get that,
Archie? Now, Edith.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, I'll remember.

All right, you're
bringin' the wine.

Joey's fine.

His grandma's got him upstairs,
changing his number two.

Yeah, well, you and your mother

call it "boom-boom" if you want.

I was brought up on
"number two," get me?

What the hell am I talking
about this for, anyway?

With all I got on
my mind! Good-bye!

Hey, Edith! I got canned today!

What?

I was fired!
Fired, fired, fired!

Archie... Did you
say you got fired?

Yeah, four times.

Oh, Archie, what happened?

Ah, the company lost
a government contract,

so this mornin' they let
a whole slew of us go.

Well, is it just a layoff?

Well, they call it a layoff,

I call it the old heave-ho.

Should've seen them guys, Edith.

Remember "Big Moose" Norbank?

Cried big moose tears.

I ain't seen him cry since the mafia
took the Dodgers outta Brooklyn.

Ohh, I wish I hadn't planned this
celebration dinner for Mike tonight.

Yeah, well...
Well, listen, Edith.

Couldn't ya kinda... what do
you call... postpone it, huh?

Because after what I
been through today...

I mean, I can't stand
watchin' the meathead

swoop down on that table
like a plague of cockroaches.

Just let him and her walk
over to Steinway Street

and stuff their
faces with chinks.

Oh, yeah, sure,
we'll just postpone it.

Yeah, that's good.

I'll tell Gloria you
was fired and...

No, no, no... she'll understand.

No, no, don't tell her that!

I don't want nobody to know.

Yeah, but if we call it off,

they'll know something's wrong.

Yeah, all right,
then don't call it off,

but will ya keep mum
about it, huh? Oh, yeah.

Ah, there they are.

Archie, are you sure you
wanna go though with this?

Well, what the hell are
we gonna do about it now?

Just get the hangin' dog expression
of your face there, Edith, huh?

Let's see one of your
best sunshine-lady smiles.

And don't say nothin'.

Oh.

Oh...

I love you, Archie.

I love you, too. Get the door.

Oh, hi, Gloria. Hi!

Are you ready for
this? Here he is...

Here's the man of the
hour, the toast of the town...

Heeere's Michael!
♪ Da da da da ♪

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you very
much. You're beautiful.

Nice to see you.

Yeah, hi there, Meathead.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Stop... stop the music.

What is that I smell? I
don't... I don't believe it...

Ma, is that kapusta viaprovina?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Ma, that's my favorite food!

Oh, ho, his favorite.

His favorite is anything

that won't hop off of the plate.

That hurt me!

Oh, don't do that.

Daddy, lay off Michael.

He sold an article.

You should be complimenting him.

I complimented him yesterday.

What the hell more do you want?

You call that a
compliment, Arch?

"Who cares?"

I didn't say that.

I said, "Swell. Who cares?"

That hurt me!

Well, it's almost ready.

Daddy, how can
you say "who cares"?

Don't you know what
all of this means?

Michael is a teacher,

and for teachers, it's
either publish or perish.

Well, now he's
published something,

so that means
he's well on his way

to a lifetime of security.
Oh, a lifetime of security.

I wish they'd give that to people
who really work for a living.

Do you see what she's
doin' to me over here?

Gloria, don't hit your
father. Not today.

Go on, sit down over there.

It's wonderful, Mike.
Ain't it wonderful?

She's been doin' that to
me since she was three.

It's wonderful.

Yeah, I'm all choked up.

You should be.

Thppbbt!

Ah, thppbbt!

Michael, I got another
surprise for you. Oh, yeah?

You're not the only
writer in the family.

I wrote you a song to honor you

on this special occasion.

Ma, here's a verse for you.

Daddy, I wrote a
verse for you. Aw...

Ma, will you play?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Michael, go stand
over by the piano.

We're all gonna sing.

What the hell are we here?

The Norman travernackle choir?

Can't we just shake
hands and eat?

Get away from me!

Come on, Ma, play.

All right, here we go.

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ For Michael and
his clever pen ♪

♪ He can write till he's ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

I'm so embarrassed.

Go ahead, Ma, keep goin'.

♪ Michael's a fine son-in-law ♪

♪ He's married to my Gloria ♪

Oh, ha!

Ain't that funny, Archie?

It's a riot, Edith.
It's a riot, all right.

♪ I am proud to be
his... My son's grandma ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

Your verse, Daddy!

Oh, I ain't gonna sing.

Now, come on, let's
get this over with.

Oh, come on,
Daddy. Sing the song.

I don't wanna sing.
It's a wacky song.

But, Daddy, I wrote this song
so we could show Michael

how much we love
and respect him.

Gloria, don't make
him sing. It's all right.

It doesn't matter.
Yes, it does matter.

Ma, I can't stand this.

Daddy, I think
you're just jealous,

because Michael's had
a little bit of success...

Gloria, you don't
have to defend me.

It's really rotten that
on this happy occasion

you can't even
sing a little song.

You're only happy when you can
bully Michael and call him stupid!

Gloria, you don't understand.

No, he's the one who
doesn't understand, Mom.

Michael's finally doing
something with himself,

and he's jealous.
Daddy, you're jealous!

You're jealous! Gloria! Stifle!

Your father lost his job today.

Oh, there goes
the old ball game!

Why did you have
to say anything, huh?

All right, as long as
youse're all standin' here

with your mouths
hangin' open, let's eat.

Ah.

Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive
me. I didn't know.

Can I take a sock at you now?

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Oh, I know you didn't mean it.

I'm sorry, Arch.

Listen, if there's anything I
can do to help in any way...

No, no, no... Oh,
that's nice, Mike.

See, Archie?

We got each other,

and everything's
gonna be all right.

Oh, jeez, Edith, don't go
breakin' up on me there, will ya?

Certainly everything's
gonna be all right.

I just gotta go out and
get another job, that's all.

Listen, I'm a guy who always
has his nose to the brimstone,

you know?

It just... it... it... it's always
darkest behind the storm,

you know that.

And in every crowd,

there's always another
horse of a silver lining.

And when the goin'
gets tough, they say,

that's when the tough get goin'.

And that's me. Tough, right?

Yeah, yeah...
Yeah, right, all right.

So, what's the problem?

So, what are you
gonna do, Daddy?

Well, that's the problem.

Mira, este es su
claims book, eh?

Number .

.

Oh, damn.

Heya, buddy, I busted my pencil

preparin' over the form here.

No hablo ingles.

Well, uh, what I
need is a... pencilito.

Uh, I gotta fillo
up the formo here.

No comprendo.

Forgeto.

I got a pencil. Here.

Oh, thanks very
much, there, lady.

Thank you.

Stand next to me,

so I know I'll get
my pencil back.

Ah, let's see... Social
security number...

- - .

Last name... Bunker.

Archibald.

This is your first
time here, ain't it?

Yeah, how'd you know?

'Cause when you'll get
to be a regular like us,

you'll have all that memorized.

Well, I ain't gonna
be a regular, lady.

'Cause, uh... I'm a
foreman, you know?

And there's plenty
of jobs around

for a guy with my know-how.

They ain't gonna give
you no job. You too old.

They're gonna give it
to somebody younger.

You should've broke your
leg. Disability pays more.

Thanks a lot. So
does death benefits.

That's right.

Between disability
and death benefits,

a man like you
could live like a king.

Pfft! CLERK: .

Uh, over here. is me.

Archibald.

Huh?

Gimme my pencil.

Now, what's the
matter with my face?

Do I look dishonest?

You all look the same to me.

.

Please be... sit down, please.

Yeah, yeah. Thank
you very much, yeah.

You-you're Archibald Bunker?

Like it says there.

And, uh... And
you're years old?

Like it says there.

Well... well,
Mr. Bunker, I'm .

So? In another year,
you'll look like this here.

Oh, I hope not.

So, you, uh... you last worked
on a loading dock, hmm?

Well, I'm a
foreman, I don't work.

Oh.

A foreman!

I had five men under me.

Three of them white guys.

Do you have any other
work or part-time jobs?

Oh, well, I go hackin' a
couple of nights a week

for a guy who
owns a private cab.

Mm-hmm, and how
much do you make?

Oh, not much.

Munson, the owner,
he takes a third.

Then there's another
third that's split

between the government
and the muggers.

And then I get my fifth.

Fifth, huh? Which is how much?

Well, if I'm lucky,
$ - a night.

All right, that's $ a week.

You know that this
will be subtracted

from your unemployment check.

Well, how much is the check?

Maximum is $ a week.

What the hell's the
use of my hackin'?

I might as well quit that.

Oh, no, no,
Mr. Bunker, if you quit,

you might not be eligible
for unemployment benefits.

Oh, jeez.

No matter which way you turn,

you get it right between
where the sun don't shine.

Jeez, I'm goin' over big here.

Hey, uh, you know,
I been accumuratin'

this here insurance
about years.

Unemployment, see?

Now, I'm unemployed,
so, uh, pay me somethin'.

Or better still, get me a job.

'Cause I'll take any
job that I would consider

"comenstrual" with my skills.

Well, Mr. Bunker, there is an
unemployment problem in this country.

Oh, look who's telling me
about the unemployment...

I see the unemployment
on the streets,

and I know who they are.

You got your winos who
can't get up off of the ground.

You got your hopheads who
can't get back down on the ground.

You got your hookers
put out of work

by the regular girls
giving it away for nothing.

You got your ex-politicians who
was finked on by the hookers.

And then you got
your usual, general,

run-a-day dreamers,
dummies and slobs.

I ain't one of them.

All my life, I go to work
every morning, see?

So, where do I go to
work tomorrow morning?

Well, Mr. Bunker, we... we don't have
any place for you to go tomorrow morning.

But just follow the
instructions carefully,

and report back here
one week from today,

at : A.M. to line "E."

Number .

Well, is that where
I pick up my check?

Oh, no, you won't get your
first check for about four weeks.

Meanwhile, we have
to inform your employer

that you have filed a claim.

Well, wait a...
what do you mean?

E-excuse me, missus, just
another minute here with this guy.

Did you hear what he's
just saying to me here?

He's gonna spend public
money, our tax dollars,

to notify the guy that
fired me that I'm outta work.

Mr. Bunker, I don't
write the rules here.

Oh, the rules are written
by the bureaucraps.

We know that.

That's this whole g*ng downtown!

And they better not come uptown!

Hey, lemme tell you something!

The only reason you're working

is 'cause we ain't!

But we're citizens, too!

We vote in every
election, don't we?

Since I come up North.

We pay taxes, don't we?

Once in a while, you know.

When it comes to patriotism,
buddy, at the ballpark,

when Old Glory runs up the pole,

I'm the first guy on his feet
with his hand over his heart,

and I'm one of the few guys
that knows every word of

The Star-Spangled Banner! You?!

Star-Spangled Banner?
♪ Oh say can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's every night ♪

♪ What so loudly we... ♪

Mr. Bunker, I know what
you're going through!

Sure you know, 'cause
you're putting me through it!

I can't help it, I'm just
following the system.

Well, I follow the system, too!

But answer me this... if the
system can make a job for you,

how come the system
can't make a job for us?

I have tried to
explain that in...

Oh, forget it, buddy!
Forget it, forget it.

You're right, missus, I
should've busted my leg!

Let me outta here! Jeez!

Hey, wake up from
your fiestas, all of youse,

run out and bust a leg!

Jeez.

"Dishwashers are needed."

Sure they are. Who
the hell wants that job?

Oh, Archie, are you
still readin' the want ads?

Edith, get a load of
this one over here.

Here it is.

"Attention ex-servicemen.

"Earn up to $ , a year,
no experience necessary.

All expenses paid to Uganda."

You ain't gonna
take it, are you?

No, what do you
think I'm gonna do?

Drag the whole
family down to Mexico?

You want me to get
you some warm milk?

Or hold you in my arms
and tell you a story?

Oh, that'd be lovely, Edith,

and after that,
you can diaper me.

What is this, what
is this, huh? Aw...

I ain't your little
grandson Joey here.

You don't have to be afraid
of needing comfort and love.

Everybody needs them.

And that don't make you a baby.

It makes you more of a man.

Thank you, Dear Abby.

You're welcome, Dear Archie.

All right, Edith. All right.

Edith, Edith, Edith.

You know, it's been a
long, kinda nervous day.

You know what I mean?

So what do you say we just,
uh... I'll put the paper down,

and then you just go over
there... way over there.

We'll just go sleepy-bye, huh?

But remember, whatever
happens, I love you.

I love you, Edith.

Truly!

Thank you, thank you.

♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly, dear ♪

♪ Life with its sorrows ♪

♪ Life with its tear ♪

♪ Fades like a dream ♪

♪ When I know you are near ♪

♪ For I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly ♪

Hey!

Edith, come on, darling, listen,

I know you're singing,

and you know you're singing,

but the neighbors are liable
to think I'm torturing you.

Oh, you could
never do that, Arch.

Yeah, I know that, Edith.

Uh... Uh, Edith, uh...

To tell you the truth, Edith,

I ain't myself, you know.

Well, what I mean is...

Let's not start something
that I can't finish.

Okay, Edith?

Okay?

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.