07x05 - The Unemployment Story: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

You're gonna be glad I
went shoppin' with ya, Edith,

when you see how much
money I keep you from spending.

Oh, you just wait and see!

Would youse look at the height
of the prices on them shelves?

The whole world's going
to hell in a shopping basket.

Archie, I told ya so.

Just remember, I'm
unemployed, Edith.

Don't be grabbin'
with both hands!

Don't be spending my money
faster than I ain't earning it!

Why are we shopping in Ferguson's,
anyway? Fergusons' is crooks!

Archie! It's a nice place,

and it's in the neighborhood.

Yeah, there better be a
poorhouse in the neighborhood.

What is that? Wait a minute,
why is beans cents a can?

Because it's on sale. The
regular price is cents.

Unless you find a dented
can, then it's cents cheaper.

Uh, Edith, go get bread.

Bread. Over there. Over there.

All right. Yeah.

I k*lled a roach there.

Look at this. I found a couple
of dented cans of beans.

Oh! You're a good shopper.

Look at the price on this
here bread, cents, Edith.

Take it back and buy the
cent bread we always eat.

Archie, bread ain't
been cents for years!

Not since you
went in the service,

that was .

Oh, jeez, .

I want to tell ya, them
was the days, Edith,

them was the days.

Boy, everybody in the
country was workin',

plenty of money in everybody's
pocket, cent bread...

That's 'cause we had a
beautiful w*r going for us then.

Look at everything
nowadays, huh?

Boy, millions of people out of work,
no money in their pockets like me,

we're selling all our wheat...

The Russkies got the cent
bread, we got the cent bread.

I wanna tell ya, this
country's in trouble

every time there's
an outbreak of peace!

I wanna show you something
about the bread here.

Oh, no, don't do that!

They say on TV you
shouldn't squeeze the bread.

To hell with the TV. I'm
showin' ya something here.

You test bread for fresh

the same as you test a cigar.

See, you squeeze
it, and you listen.

- See what I mean?
- Is it fresh?

Yeah, yeah, see?

And then when
you find a fresh one,

you put back the one you
squeeze, you grab another loaf.

Shh!

Don't you know people
have to eat that after you?

What're you doing now, Edith?

Oh, I'm listening to the peas.

You're probably the only woman
in the world that peas talk to.

What're they saying?

Well, you see, if
you listen to 'em,

you can tell by the noise which
can has more peas than water.

Why don't you do that
with the beans here?

Well, the beans
don't make no noise.

Yeah, that's true...
In the store they don't.

Hey.

Froot Loops. Don't
forget the Froot Loops.

Oh, yeah.

Hurry up. They're
way over there.

Way over there.

Handle's comin'
off here, that's...

See how lousy people are, Edith?

Somebody tore open a
whole bag of licorice bits there.

Archie, you shouldn't eat 'em.

Why the hell not? Once they're
open, they go bad, don't they?

Oh, jeez, oh.

What's the matter, Archie?

What's the matter...
Is it your gall stones?

No, no, no. If it's
anything, it's the licorice.

I told you, I ain't
got no gall stones.

Well, Dr. Shapiro
told ya you did.

Until I told
Dr. Shapiro I didn't.

Let's not have no
more arguments.

Come on, finish up,
let's get out of here, huh?

I gotta get your Twinkies.

If they don't have
the Twinkies...

Don't... If they don't
have the Twinkies,

get Ding Dongs or Devil Dogs.

Hey.

When you're passing the
hardware, return this, will ya?

I changed my mind
about that item, see.

And Edith, we need
eggs. I bought eggs!

I don't see no eggs in
there. Well, I'm sure...

Okay there, girlie.

Ya think we can
get an honest count,

or is that against the
policy of the store?

Wait, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait, wait!

Wait a minute. Watch what
you hit-and-run on the keys there.

What's with the holding hands?

I ought to be able to hold more than
that for what you're charging in here.

Look, what's the complaint?

The complaint is, there, that you're
banging up the numbers there...

You ain't even looking
at the price on the item.

We're trained to
know the prices.

Well, let's see how
good you train then.

How much is this here?

cents.

Wrong... .

Thank you.

Aw, jeez.

Here. I got your Twinkies
and some cranberries.

Why did you get two
cans of cranberries?

Well, Thanksgiving is coming.

So is Christmas...
I ain't buying a tree.

But they're on sale.
Two for cents.

All right. How much is one?

cents.

I'll take the cent one.

Ma! Daddy!

Gloria! I'm so glad I found you.

Is Joey all right?

Oh, yeah, Joey's fine. Mrs.
Rehnquist is taking care of him.

But I was out in the yard,
and I heard your phone ringing.

And it was for you, Daddy.

Who was it? Is Joey at
Mrs. Rehnquist's house,

or is Mrs. Rehnquist
over at your house?

Wh-who was on... Joey's
over at Mrs. Rehnquist's.

Who was it? Oh, I don't think

you should leave Joey
with Mrs. Rehnquist.

Why not? Who was it?

Well, he don't like her.

He won't even make
a boom-boom for her.

You want me to make a
boom-boom right here?

What the hell are
you looking at?

I didn't make it yet.

Who was it on the phone?

Daddy, it was a phone
call about a job for you.

A job? Well, not
exactly a job yet.

It's an interview
for one at : .

This is the address.
Give it to me.

Let me out of here, will ya?

And look out for her, will ya?

That's Lady
Goldfingers over there.

She changes prices. I caught
her in a near misdemeanus.

Well, good afternoon there, sis.

My name is Archie Bunker.

I believe I have an appointment.

It'll be just a moment.

Maloney in there?

Just have a seat, please.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, uh, I come about
the job there, Mr. Maloney.

I'm not Mr. Maloney.

And by the way,
Maloney is not a mister.

Oh, what is he? One
of these here guys?

No. Maloney is a "Ms."

Oh, worse yet.

And I'm waiting to
hear about the same job.

You're here about the job?

No kidding, I mean, you know...

You don't, kind of,
look the type there.

Uh, I'm just looking at the
initials on your monogrome there.

"F.E."

When I was a kid, I knew
another kid, F.E. Farley Epstein.

I'm Frank Edwards.

I'm Archie Bunker.

Uh, hey, listen...

What questions did
she ask you there?

Oh, the usual...
Name, address, age.

All them I can answer.

Previous experience.

College degrees.

You've been to college?

Yes, William and Mary.

Two of them, huh?

I only just barely finished
high school myself.

Jeez, what am I doing
here? I ain't got a prayer.

Well, you may be more
qualified for this job than I am.

What is the job?

They call it "custodian."

- Aah, that means...
- Janitor.

How come a guy like you is
going out for a job like that?

I haven't worked
for three years.

I've run out of my
unemployment insurance,

and I can't get a job
'cause I'm too damn old.

Oh, uh, well, how old are you?

.

Jeez, uh, I'm pretty
nearly that myself.

Mr. Bunker? Yeah.

Miss Maloney will
see you now. Oh.

Okay, see you
later there, Frank.

Right in, huh?

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Thank you very much.

Nothing personal, hon.

Come in, please.

Have a seat, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah.

Thank you very much, Mrs... Ms.

Oh, sorry, Ms... I can never
get used to that baloney.

I mean, excuse me, Ms. Maloney.

Let's make this
short and to the point.

You are Archibald Bunker.

That's right.

And your age is .

Well, uh, just barely.

Uh, he's a college
guy out there, huh?

Oh, Mr. Edwards?

I'm afraid he's overqualified.

We'd spend our time and
money breaking him in...

If a better job came along, a
college man would leave us flat.

Oh, they do it every time.

We find that the best
person for this job

is a man lacking in
skill and knowledge.

Ah, well, you're looking at
him, you're looking at him.

Now, you'll have to answer
a few personal questions.

Oh, yeah, yeah. sh**t.

Do you drink?

Does beer count?

Yes.

No.

Have you ever been in
trouble with the police?

No.

We can check this with computers

in a matter of minutes.

Well, you don't have to do that.

In fact, a couple years ago,

my old platoon WW was
having a reunion, you know.

And we was up in a hotel room, the guys
kidding around, some pinko calls the cops.

All we was doing up
there... we was dangling

Shorty Benson out a
window by his ankles.

And the funny part of it is... Shorty
was the only guy arrested there

'cause he didn't
have no pants on.

But you were not arrested?

I had my pants
on the whole time.

Mr. Bunker, the job
pays $ . an hour.

$ . an hour?

Where is it, in Puerto Rico?

Close. th Street
and rd Avenue.

Oh.

Don't you want
the job, Mr. Bunker?

Oh, yeah, hey. Gracias for
the job. I mean, you know...

It's honest work and
buys the groceries, right?

When do I start?

You start tomorrow morning.

Pick up a W- form
from the receptionist,

and she'll tell you
where to check in.

Okay, well, thank you.

Thank you very much
there, Ms. Maloney.

You're a good guy.

Oh, hi there, Frank.

Listen, I got good
news and bad news.

I got the job, and you didn't.

Good luck, Bunker.

Yeah, well, good, you
didn't want it anyway.

It's all right, Bunker,
I'm used to it.

Yeah. So long.

Uh, okay, little girl. I'm supposed
to pick up a W- form here.

You got the job? Well, listen...

I'm gonna be the best
janitor a white man can.

Mandy, the man
that was in your office

just climbed out the window!

Mr. Edwards? Uh-huh.

What do you mean?!

Frank Edwards?

Frank Edwards?!

What did he do?

W-W-Wait, hey.

Hey, Frank, what the hell you
doing out the window, man?

Something I should've
done three years ago.

Frank, Frank, hey, you
shouldn't be out there.

Hey, we're eight
stories up, Frank.

You step off from eight stories,

you get a hell of a
nosebleed going down.

Come on, now... No!

Don't touch me! Frank, Frank.

Arggh! My resumes!

Frank, come in out
of there. Take this, too.

Now, don't do nothing, Frank...
You touch me, I'm going next.

I ain't... I ain't
gonna touch you.

I-I just don't want
you to do nothing

on the sperm of
the moment, Frank.

Please get out of
the way, Mr. Bunker.

I'll take charge until
the police get here.

What do you mean
you'll take charge?

Come here, let me
tell you something.

You take charge. The
man is out there on a ledge

'cause you wouldn't
give him a job.

There was only one
job. I gave that to you.

That's why he's out there.

Five bucks. That's all I got!

Frank, hey, Frank,
now don't to it, Frank!

There was a big mistake made.

The job's supposed to go to you.

Not me. Tell him, Maloney. Yeah.

Yes, that's quite true.

It was a misunderstanding.
The job is yours.

Oh, sure, 'til I
get off the ledge,

and then you'll
have me arrested.

No, no, Frank,
she's telling the truth.

I know it's hard to
believe a kisser like this,

but she can't be blamed
for what she looks... Frank...

Nothing personal. You're
a swell-lookin' dame here.

I'm just trying to get this
loony away from the edge.

Forget it, Bunker. I
heard you call me a loony.

I heard you say, "Get this
loony away from the edge."

No, no! I said it was a lovely
afternooney on the ledge.

Yeah, right. Frank.

Ah! Listen to them.

You hear 'em?

They want me to jump. Here I go.

No, no, hey.

Frank! I'm coming.

Hey, you're a bunch
of jerks. I'm coming!

You're a bunch of jerks
down there... shut up!

You'll make me sick, and
I'll throw up all over you.

Hey, Frank...

Hey, Frank, don't do
this to me, Frank. To you?

Yes, Frank, because you
were supposed to get the job.

I'll spend the whole rest of
my life with a guilty complexion.

If it wasn't you, it would
be somebody else.

No, no, Frank, Frank, listen.

You wanna talk to a
priest or a rabbi? No!

You don't want neither
of them, I tell you what.

There's a g*ng of shaved-head
Krishna Hiris down there.

I'll bring one of them up. He'll
play the tambourine for you.

Forget it, Bunker,
I'm an atheist.

Oh, you don't
believe in God, Frank?

If there's a God, let him catch
me in his arms when I jump.

Oh, Frank, Frank.

Listen, I'm a true
believer myself,

but I would never expect
God to catch me, you know?

'Cause maybe his hands
are full with something else.

He's a busy man up there, Frank.

He's whipping up tornadoes
and whirlpools and hurricanes

and all them terrible
things he does

to let us know down here
he's always thinking of us.

Let me through in there.

Come on, move aside there. Yeah.

All right, buddy, come in
here before you hurt yourself.

You take one
step, and I'll jump.

Ooh, excuse me.

All right.

All right.

You better get the fire
department with their net,

or we're gonna need the
sanitation department with shovels.

Keep stalling. Yeah.

Frank, oh, hey.

Hey, Frank, before you jump...

maybe we ought to
call your wife, huh?

'Cause you know
how mad women get

when we keep them
waiting for dinner.

I haven't got a
wife... I'm divorced.

Well, no, listen, Frank.

That could be good,
too, because you're free.

I tell you what.
Come on back in here,

and we'll put you together
with Maloney, huh?

Huh, Frank?

Smile, you dope, ya.

Listen, listen, Frank.

You think you're the only one

with problems with his wife?

Frank, listen.

I can't even cut the
mustard with my wife.

What do you mean?

I mean it's... ever
since I've been unemp...

Maloney, leave
us alone here, huh?

Get out of here, youse.

Ever since I'm unemployed,

in bed, I'm totally impudent.

Impudent?

Yes, Frank.

Don't laugh, okay?

Listen, the word is impotent!

Bunker, you're impotent!

Don't tell the whole of New
York City about it, will ya!

You're not better off than I am.

You're taking a job
that's beneath you.

You're not a kid anymore.

Everything is
downhill from now on.

What do you got to live for?

Frank.

You wanna know
what I got to live for?

All right, Frank,
I'll show you. Ah!

Don't, don't come near.

Hey, I ain't gonna touch ya.

You asked me
what I got to live for.

I'm gonna show you, that's all.

Let me show you
something... Shh!

See that picture there?

That's a picture of
my little grandson.

That's what I got
to live for, huh.

No hair but a
beautiful kid anyway.

He's gonna be one
years old in December.

Mine is almost three.

You got a grandson, and you got
the nerve to end your life, Frank?

What the hell's the
matter with you?

If you go, who's gonna
raise up that little son?

His father.

His father? What
the hell is his father?

Only your son. Son-in-law.

Oh, son-in-law.

Ain't that the most
ridiculous thing?

Ohhh!

Shh!

Don't make him nervous, huh?

Where's the net?

Son-in-law's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard of, Frank, listen.

I got a son-in-law.

When I'm trying to flatter
him, I call him meathead.

Now, listen to me, Frank.

Shut up, youse.

Frank.

A grandfather's got to do
the business of raising a kid...

Teach him all the
things he has to know.

All the little things
like, for instance,

you take a blade of grass
between your two thumbs,

and you blow like
a whistle, huh?

Who's gonna teach him how to
break in a first baseman's mitt?

Oil it up there and put a
rock in the middle, huh?

Frank, who's gonna
slip two bucks on the sly

to go the movies when his
father's punishing him, huh?

That's the grandfather's
gotta do that.

He's gonna grow up without all of
them wisdoms that you can give him.

Frank, Frank, listen.

Take China.

Why is there billions
of people in China?

'Cause there's so many
grandfathers still living.

And you know why?

'Cause you'll never see an
old Chink jumping off a building.

Now, Frank, I want... ooh.

You okay, Bunker?

Oh, it's nothing. It comes
and goes, comes and goes.

It's just a little gall
bladder, you know,

but it feels like a ball bat

right in the gut. Unh!

Aaah! Aaah! Ah!

Jeez, I'm on the ledge!

I'm on the ledge!

I got ya, I got ya.

Hey, Frank, Frank.

I got ya. I'm up here,

I'm all alone here, Frank.

Why don't you go in, go in
the window? I can't move.

Well, don't panic. Don't panic.

It's so far down.
Don't look down.

Where am I supposed
to look? Look up.

That's worse.

Turn around, turn
around. No, no, no.

I can't move.
Yeah, I'll help you.

Don't touch me, Frank.
I'll help you, come on.

I'll help you.

Stay there. No, no.

Stay cool. Give me
your hand. No, Frank.

Give me your hand! No, no.

Got you, Edwards. Ah!

All right, okay.

Okay, Frank.

I'll give you my hand, Frank.

I'll give you my hand, Frank.

Where the hell are you, Frank?

Frank, where... oh,
jeez, I'm all alone!

Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump!

Don't say that.

It's the other guy
you want, not me.

Well, I wanna tell you,

it really would've
disgusted you.

There I was, way
up on that ledge,

whole crowd of jerks in
the street yelling up at me,

"Jump! Jump!"

So, I look down on
them like this, you know.

And I give 'em one of these.

Then I do a little buck and
wing along the edge, see.

I hop in the window.

Frank Edwards is in there.

Throws his arms
around me, hugs me,

kisses me and all. Aww.

I mean because he was choked
up with emotion, you know.

I mean, he's a nut,
but he ain't a fruit.

Well, I don't blame
him for kissing you.

You saved his life.

You know what Frank wants
to do one of these days?

He wants to take you
and me out to dinner.

Oh. You know, when he
gets all his marbles back.

I guess he wants to show his
appreciation for what you done.

Yeah. My! You walked
right out there on that ledge.

stories high.

You could've got dizzy and fell.

No, no, you're out there saving
human life, you never think dizzy.

Oh, Archie, you're a hero!

And on top of all
that, you got a job, too!

And... here we are in bed.

Yeah.

Remember lately, I was thinking

I was maybe becoming a
little impudent, you know?

Oh. No, no, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me finish, will you?

All day today, I got
the feeling that...

my 'pudence was coming back.

Oh... Archie.

Now, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

It's always a lot
better with the light out.

Oh, oh, oh!

What's the matter, Archie?

Jeez, my guts
are boiling, Edith.

Is it your gall stones again?

It hurts, it hurts.

I better call Dr. Shapiro.

No, no, don't call Shapiro.

He'll want me to
go to the hospital.

Well, that's what
you ought to do.

Yeah, but that ain't what I
wanna do right now, Edith.

Oh, oh, oh.

All right, all right, go ahead.

Call him, call Shapiro.

Aw, Edith, Edith, Edith.

I'm awful sorry there,
darling, you know.

Game called on account of pain.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.