07x07 - Archie's Operation: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, jeez.

Hey, out there in the...

Hey, out there in
the th floor there.

I told you I wouldn't eat no
creamed chipped beef on toast.

I told you I wouldn't eat
no creamed meats at all.

It gives me "dispoopsia."

You hear me out there,
huh? Do you hear me, huh?

Hey, warden, do you
hear me out there?

If I don't get attention soon,

I'm gonna run out
there in the hall

in this trick hospital
nightgown there,

and there's gonna be one
hell of an exposure out there.

I'm gonna flash up one way
and moon down the other.

Mr. Bunker, this is a hospital.

Well, I knew it wasn't
the Hong Kong Hilton.

When the hell do I get out
of here, Anna Mae Wang?

Speaking for the entire
th floor, I hope today.

But what time today,
huh? What time, huh?

Morning, Beauty.

Hey...

How are you feeling
today, soul brother?

Hey...

Pretty good there, Dr. Thatcher.

You know, I've been meaning
to ask you that, you know,

since that soul blood
from you was kind of

transconfused
into my veins, there,

I mean, could that make
any kind of a difference?

Not visibly, but
maybe psychologically.

Tell me this, how do
you feel? I feel fine.

Your hands strong
enough for lifting? Oh, sure.

Your feet strong enough
for stomping? Sure.

Well, you're ready for your
first tap-dancing lesson.

Hey, I think you're
kidding me there, doc.

But I want to
tell you the truth.

I wouldn't mind if it made
me a little more musical.

Think positive,
man. Think black.

In no time at all, they'll be
calling you Mr. Bojangles.

Hi, Dr. Thatcher.

Good morning, Mr. Stivic.

Hey, Arch, how you feeling?

Ah, stinko, but forget that.

Do you know what
I just found out?

You know, Dr. Thatcher giving
me the blood and all of that...

Do you know what them
colored corpsucles might do?

Mug the white corpsucles?

Don't be a wise-guy, huh?

Arch, when are you gonna get off
of this garbage about inferior blood?

I didn't say nothing
about inferior blood.

Them is your words, there.

Listen, Dr. Thatcher was
just in here a minute ago.

She was hinting around there, you
see, that the colored chromastones

inside of them soul
corpsucles, there,

they could maybe
make certain changes.

You know, I think
she's right, Arch.

Your hair is starting
to kink up a little bit.

Get out of here!

Try to talk a little
scientific with you,

you give me answers like
some jerk off of the street.

You gonna eat that JELL-O?

Hospital JELL-O?

I lost my gall bladder,
not my marbles.

Hey, good news!

Don't holler, don't holler!

Archie...

I was just talking
to Dr. Shapiro.

He's gonna let you
come home today.

Ain't that wonderful?

But what time, what time?

Soon! Soon!

You're spitting on me, Edith.

Oh, Archie, I missed you.

I don't like living alone,
and sleeping alone.

Shh, in front of the boy.

I got everything you need.

A clean shirt, your
pants, your underwear,

I'll put them in here.

What?

You know, I thought
I seen everything...

the day that I seen you
dunk a hamburger in cocoa.

But this here, I ought
to sell tickets for this.

Get this out of here!
Take it out in the hall!

And finish it up out there.

When you're finished, go down
to the cashier and get my bill!

Okay, Arch.

Hey, all you sickies
there on the th floor...

You wanna see
something exciting?

Get away from
your television sets,

look out the door,
the blob is coming!

Archie... calm down.

Just think!

Tonight you're gonna
be back with me

in our own warm bed,

and everything will be
just like it was before.

Hey, Edith, maybe back
in our own, warm bed,

things might be a little
better than they was before.

What with this new colored blood
in me, you know what I mean?

No...

Well... maybe I
shouldn't mention it,

but I just didn't want you
to get scared or nothing.

Oh... Oh, Archie, that's dumb.

Dumb?

You're saying dumb to me?

I'm laying here
in a hospital bed,

after years of marriage,
you would call me dumb?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie,

I shouldn't have waited so long.

Don't get mad.

Ahh... I got some good news.

I heard a rumor that they're
taking back men at the plant.

But they ain't taking
me back at the plant!

What am I doing? I'm laying
here with an IOU for a gall bladder!

I got the bill, Arch.

They said you should
pay it on the way out.

Ah, the bill. Well, thank God
for the insurance companies.

See, the company
handles most of this.

I only got to pay % of
what they put down here,

which is $ .

You see, % of
that ain't bad, right?

Not these days. Let me see that.

Arch... The $ is your %.

Huh?

The whole bill is $ , .

Wait a minute, wait
a minute... $ , ?

Look at that, Edith, how the
hell are we gonna handle that?

What did they charge me for?

Intervenoos
anesthooties, here...

pharmacuticles,

look what they're charging
me for an enema, here...

$ for that?

Well, geez, they
only used tap water.

For that kind of money, they
ought to pump me full of champagne!

Well, I ain't paying this thing!

Hey there! Hey on the
th floor and you cashiers,

I ain't gonna pay this! This ain't a
hospital bill, this is a stick-up in here!

Stop all that screaming.

You're disturbing everybody.

Well, this here
is disturbing me.

He's upset about
the bill, it's $ , .

We only paid $ .
when I had Gloria.

Yeah, and we got to keep
what they took out of you.

Sorry, Mr. Bunker, but these
are all legitimate charges.

Dr. Shapiro has
signed your release.

You'd better get dressed.

I'm getting out of here fast.

Let me out of this clip joint!

Oh, Dr. Thatcher...

You've been so kind,
and I want to tell you again

how thankful I am for
giving Archie your blood.

Not to mention it, my dear.

I wanna thank you, too, doctor!

Edith won't believe how
thankful she's gonna be!

You're welcome, Mr. Bunker.

Any time you need more blood,
I'll be glad to give you a refill.

Well, that's mighty
white of you there, doc.

Oh!

I didn't mean nothing by that,

I was just talking
about the blood,

oh, pardon my front, here.

What I mean to say, doc,

is the blood ain't the problem.

I ain't got my job
to look forward to,

and I gotta get that job back.

You see, doctor, they're
taking men back at the plant,

but they ain't called Archie.

That's what I call
discrimination.

Oh, buck up, Mr. Bunker.

It took us years
to get equal rights.

You've only been
black four days.

Yeah, don't worry, Arch.

You shall overcome.

You ain't coming down
until you take your medicine.

It's in the glass by the bed.

It ain't there no more.

What happened to it?

He ain't gonna
get away with that.

I know what to do.

Hey, come on, Arch. Cheer up!

You're not the only
guy to have an operation

or be stuck in the house for
a week or to be out of a job.

And I hope you ain't
got your butt in my chair.

No, I'm sitting on
the couch, Arch.

'Cause I'm coming down, I
don't care what anybody says.

Don't care what Edith
says, I'm coming down, Edith!

And bring me a beer!
A beer, a beer, a beer!

Just a minute!

Not in a minute, right now!

Or I rip out my stitches.

Hey...

Canal boots off
of the coffee table.

Here you are, a nice, cold beer.

Give it to me.

Why did you pour it from
the can into the glass?

It loses so much
through the air.

I thought it would
be nice for a change.

Just remember, I hate change.

Aw, jeez, now I know why
you done that, Lucretia Borden,

you poisoned it with
the medicine, huh?

Come on, Archie, drink it.

It's for your own good.

Not for my own good!
Take it into the kitchen.

Spread it around on the floor,

it'll blind all the roaches.

Archie, come on...
Get it away from me.

I ain't taking that medicine!

All right, then I'll
get it in something.

That something's gonna
be thrown against the wall,

so it better not be
Cream of Wheat.

Arch, just because you have problems, you
don't have to take it out on the family.

We didn't cause
your unemployment.

The whole country's
got that problem.

You wanna get mad, you get mad
at the guys who are responsible.

The guys in the White House.

Ah, come on, will you?

The White House
ain't got nothing to do

with what's going
on in this country.

President Ford is supposed to be
responsible for the state of the economy,

the high cost of living,
and unemployment.

Will you lay off Ford?

He's doing a hell of a good job for a guy
that got kicked in the head playing ball.

And I'll tell you
something else, wise guy.

Between Jerry Ford and Jerry
Carter, I know which way I'm going.

It's too bad you couldn't vote for
your real favorite... Jerry Reagan.

Yes, buddy, yes, yes!

I'll tell you something
else about this guy Carter.

He takes that big smile out of his
face every night and puts it in a glass.

Arch, he doesn't
have false teeth.

Oh, Joe Foley told me he read
that in the National Enquirer...

The only paper where you
read the truth nowadays.

I tell you another
thing that was in there.

If Carter becomes president, he's gonna
sell more wheat than ever to the Ruskies.

Why? So the Ruskies will
make more bread than ever.

Why? So that Carter can sell
them the peanut butter to smear on it.

I don't want to
argue with you, Arch.

Maybe by the time
Joey's grown up,

we'll have an
administration that'll listen.

I can't wait for that!

Mean time, who's taking care of
the regular Americans like me, huh?

The Anglo-Saxes.

As opposed to the
tenor-saxes and the alto-saxes?

Listen, a colored
guy gets in trouble,

he runs right away to
the NC double-A PP.

Italian guy gets in trouble,

he runs over to see the Pope,

if he can scratch
up the airfare.

If not, he hops a bus
to Jersey to see Sinatra.

And you do anything to a Jew -

Whoa ho ho, boy...

The whole Israel Air
Force swoops down on you

and kicketh the
crapola outta you.

But who's doing anything for me?

Arch, you're not alone, you
got me, Ma, Gloria, and Joey.

Oh, geez, what a bad feeling.

Meathead, a Dingbat,
a woman's libber,

and a bald-headed kid.

I know you're under
a lot of pressure.

That's why Gloria and
I want to help you out.

We got a few bucks
stashed away...

I don't want to hear this.

Arch, you're gonna listen.

I'll sing you something here.

We've got $ , , we
want to give it to you.

♪ Tangerine ♪

♪ She is all they claim ♪

Arch, it's only fair! ♪
With her eyes of night ♪

You helped us, we want to help
you! ♪ and lips as bright as flame ♪

Let me tell you something
over there, buddy.

My old man told me this
during the Depression.

He was broke!

Didn't have the money
to buy food, pay the rent.

And he had to run around, putting
the arm on all the relations there,

for a five here, a ten there.

It broke his heart.

And they all called him
a moocher. A moocher!

The last thing he said
to me before he d*ed,

he said, "Don't never
borrow from no relations."

"They'll call you a moocher."

And when he d*ed, I had to
borrow the money to plant him.

And what do you think the
relations called me? Moocher?

Worse than that.
Son of a moocher.

Look, Arch... Here's
a check, $ , .

I want you to take
it. ♪ Tangerine ♪

Take it, will you? ♪
When she passes by ♪

♪ Cavaleros smile ♪

♪ and señoritas do this here ♪

♪ Tangerine! ♪

Will you put a lid on that?
♪ She is all they claim ♪

You're hurting my scar.

Just tell your son-in-law,
who's trying to lend me money,

that I ain't gonna borrow
no money from him.

What can I do to
change your mind?

♪ Tangerine ♪

All right, forget it.

Forget it, Arch.

When little Joey asks me how his
grandfather got in the poor-house,

I'll tell him. I offered
him the $ , .

He looked me
straight in the eye,

and very proudly
said, ♪ Tangerine ♪

That was so nice of Mike.

Oh, Edith... God help
us if God helps us.

He will, Archie. He will.

If you take your medicine.

That medicine would
defoliate a wire brush.

As for God helping me, he
ain't done much to help me lately.

How can you say that?

He got you through your
gall-bladder operation.

Who threw the stones in
the bladder in the first place?

Archie, God didn't do that.

That was all that greasy junk
food you eat when you ain't home.

If the food was bad, why
didn't God, in his infinite mercy,

make me barf it up?

Archie, that's silly.

Don't say that's
silly, it ain't silly.

These here questions, like why
God gives the gall stones here,

and don't give the
gall stones over there,

why he holds one guy's dinner down,
makes another guy throw up his dinner,

them is questions that have bothered
great minds down through the ages.

I'm gonna ask you
another question here.

I been a good Christian
all my life, right?

Huh? Huh? Can't
you get behind me?

Oh, ah...

Damn right, yeah. I'm a
hell of a good Christian.

Look at the world in
the last , years.

What have they
been doing, there?

They're all running around
delirious and dizzy from dope.

They're tearing around like savages,
jumping on each other's bones, there.

They're Sodom and
Gomorrhizing in the streets, there.

All having a hell of a time...
I've been a good Christian!

While all of them was
out enjoying themselves,

I was home with you.

I'll get it. I'll get that.

No, I'll get it. I'll get that!

No, let me get
that. I said I'd...

I said I would get that!

Ask yourself this question.

Why have I got gray hairs?

Well, answer the door.

Hey, I don't believe
it. I don't believe it.

Hank Pivnik, from work.

Come on in, say hello
to the Missus, there.

Hi, Mrs. Bunker.

Hank Pivkin, the biggest joker
down at work, a funny man.

They call him the Jerry
Lewis of the loading dock.

Hey, Archie, how's
your wife and kidneys?

Did you hear that one?

How's your wife and kidneys, eh?

Archie didn't have no
trouble with his kidneys,

it was his gall-bladder.

She don't get
these things, Hank.

She don't get these
things, you know?

Edith, you make me
so sad not getting jokes.

Give us something to eat, huh?

There's chocolate
cake over there, Yeah.

And don't put no medicine
in it, we got a guest.

Excuse me.

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good. Hey,
you look great, tiger.

Yeah? Yeah.

What'd the doctor take out
besides the pretty nurses?

I wish Edith had heard that one.

I think she'd have
caught that one. Yeah.

I brang you a
present from the guys,

they chipped in
down at the dock.

What is it?

It's a six-pack.

Six-pack? A six-pack? Yeah.

Yeah, well, the guys
had to drink to your health.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank the guys, anyway.

How's everything going
down at the plant, huh?

Same old thing, you know.

Crazy Jergensen,
and Whitey Monroe,

they had a drag
race with the forklifts.

Jeez, which direction,
forwards or reverse?

Neither. Up and down.

Hey Edith, come on out, you're
missing some swell humor out here.

Sit down, huh? Sit down.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead,
take the special chair.

My chair, nobody
sits in that but me.

You, being my
buddy, well, you know,

anything that's mine is yours.

You mean that, Arch?
What's yours is mine?

I never say nothing
I don't mean.

Well, I'm glad you said that.

'Cause I took your job.

What?

Yeah, I'm the new
foreman. Ain't that great?

You're kidding me.

No, no, no, it's the truth.

Should I get out
of your chair, now?

I ain't thinking about
the chair, Hank.

Why don't you just get
the hell out of my house?

What are you getting
so excited about?

While I'm laying up here,
sick, you took my job!

I had to! I've got a
house, and a family.

What the hell have I got here? A tree
with two bamboons swinging out of it?

Hey, that's pretty
funny, two bamboons.

Oh, that's funny!

Hey, Edith, come on out here.

I want to show you
something very interesting.

What is it?

I'm gonna k*ll a guy.

Oh, Archie...

Do you know why I'm not working?

Because while I'm laid up in the
hospital sick, and laid up here homesick,

this guy who's supposed
to be my friend, took my job!

You took Archie's job?

I certainly did.

How could you do that?

It was easy.

I had to take the foreman job

when they promoted
Archie to dispatcher.

They made me dispatcher? Yeah.

They made me dispatcher? Yeah!

They made Archie
dispatcher? Uh-huh.

They made me
dispatcher? Yeah, yeah.

They made you dispatcher.
They made me dispatcher.

When? When?

When they took back all
the guys that they laid off.

Congratulations!

Oh, jeez! Archie!

Wait a minute, Hank, Hank!

Hank, Hank, don't run away.

I hope you ain't gonna be
mad for all them things I said.

Because, you know... It's okay.

I'm gonna be a good
dispatcher, right?

Oh, yeah, you'll be terrific.

All you gotta do is
sit around all day long,

and you say, "Which
batch should I dispatch?"

"Dis batch, or dis batch?"

So long!

Oh, what a guy.

That's why they
call him Jerry Lewis.

He kills everybody, and
everybody wants to k*ll him.

Archie! Ain't that great?

Oh, Edith. Oh!

You got a better job and
you're gonna get more money!

Oh, yeah, there's more money
with the job. It's a promotion.

Wait till the kids hear, huh?

Oh, yeah. And Mike was right!

Remember? In the hospital?

He said, "You shall overcome."

That's right. And for once in his life,
the meathead was right about something.

A little blast of that colored
blood sure changed my luck.

But, I wouldn't want it to get around
the plant, you know what I mean?

Why not? That ain't
nothing to be ashamed of.

I ain't ashamed of it, Edith.

I'm very happy to have it.

I just don't want nobody to
go around saying that I'm, uh...

the token dispatcher.

Oh, Archie.

And you thought God
wasn't taking care of you.

Edith, I was very
wrong about that.

I admit it. I was wrong.

And I hope and I pray that God
will forgive me for that, you know?

But after all, uh...

a lot of people, like Job!

Job hollered at God, didn't he?

And, uh, as memory serves,

he got a promotion out of that.

And a nice
write-up in the Bible.

I'm gonna thank God,
thank... God, thanks.

You're okay in my book.

No, really, Edith, we've got to have
a little thankfulness around here.

Hey, hey... church
on Sunday, huh?

Oh, Archie, that would be nice.

Maybe I'll even go with you.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.