07x10 - Mike and Gloria's Will

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Joey ♪

♪ Happy birthday... ♪

♪ ...to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Joey ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Joey ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Aah! What? Oh, jeez.

Oh, oh, my God.

Michael, what's the matter?

Honey, your coat! Look
at your coat, it's all...

Did you get mugged again?

No, honey, you won't
believe what happened to me.

I was standing on
the subway platform...

waiting for the train...

Yeah? I got a little impatient,

so I leaned over the
edge of the platform

to see if the train
was coming...

I slipped and
fell on the tracks!

Oh, my God!

And the train was coming!

And just in the nick of time,
these two guys grabbed me.

They picked me up and
put me on the platform.

They saved my life!

Oh, thank God for good people.

Well, it was kind
of a mixed blessing.

While one of 'em
was dusting me off,

the other guy picked my pocket.

Honey, honey.

Well, the important
thing is that you're safe

and alive and well.

Ooh, watch that knee!

That knee, I hurt
that knee there.

Oh, let me kiss it.
Ooh, kiss it, kiss it.

Honey, Honey.

You know what kept
goin' through my mind?

What if you'd been with me?

What if we both fell on
the tracks and got k*lled?

Michael, please, that's morbid.

Honey, what if
you'd been with me?

What if we'd both been k*lled?

Who would take care of Joey?

Honey, don't make
such a big thing out of it.

An accident like that

happens maybe once
in a person's lifetime.

Yeah, usually right at the end.

I hate this.

I hate this conversation.

Honey, we gotta decide right now

who would raise Joey.

Well, if we have
to decide right now,

I don't see why we
have to look any further

than Ma and Daddy.

You want your
father to raise Joey?

I wouldn't trust that
man to raise a window.

Gloria, Joey's
future is at stake.

We're not gonna have
him raised by a man

whose idea of great
poetry begins with

"there was an old
man from Nantucket."

Oh, honey, well, then,
who would you suggest?

Well, I don't know.

What about, uh, Don
and Andy Shineman?

Well, they're a
very happy couple.

You know why, don't you?

They're always stoned
out of their minds.

Come on.

Oh, come on, come on.

They're on everything
but roller-skates.

All right, forget the Shinemans.

What about Craig and Sue Raimey?

They're divorced.
Craig left her.

You're kidding.

Who would Craig leave a
beautiful girl like Sue for?

For someone named Chuck.

Craig and Chuck?

We should call 'em, you know?

They're probably not planning
on a family of their own.

Ow, ow! Watch that knee there!

I'm sorry. Couldn't you
do that on your own knee?

Sorry.

Oh, boy am I dumb.

Honey, why didn't I think of it?

Our best friends, Al and Trudy.

They were married
right here in the house.

Yeah, not a moment too soon.

Poor Trudy.

Al wouldn't marry her

till she was three
months pregnant.

That's what kind
of a guardian he is.

Gloria, you want perfection

we'll get Roy Rodgers
and Dale Evans.

Al and Trudy are terrific...

They're young, they're educated,

and they think just as we do.

I'm not so sure I want
Joey growing up like Al.

What, you'd rather Joey to
grow up to be a bigot like Archie?

Oh, you mean the way I did?

Honey, you're different.

Joey's... Joey's just a baby.

Well, what do you think
I started out as, a duck?

Look, if it were
just your mother,

I would say fine,

but we can't take the chance

that Joey would be
left alone with Archie.

Well then, we have to make sure

that Joey's left alone with Ma.

How?

We'll k*ll Daddy.

Here we are.

Come on in, birthday boy.

Okay, here we go.

There we are.

Hey.

Hey, I hope this
little guy learns

to walk by himself soon,

because he's breakin'
his grandpa's back here.

Hi, sweetheart.

Yeah, to Mommy, that's the way.

Did you have fun in the park

with your grandma
and your grandpa?

Oh, did he ever!

It reminded me of when we
used to take you to the park.

Yeah, when we used
to take you to the park.

Did you take him on the swings?

Both: Oh, yeah,
he loved the swings.

Did you take him on a slide?

Oh, yeah, he loved the slide.

He went nuts on the slide.

Did you take him
on the teeter-totter?

Well, we took him
over there, you know,

but when we got
to the teeter-totter

there was a wino
passed out on it.

Yeah, but we took
lots of pictures.

Oh, wait till you see
the pictures I took.

I bet your first word's
gonna be "cheese."

Oh, these come
out beautiful here.

I wanna tell youse two,

the most terrific gift
I ever got in my life

was when youse give
me this kid for a grandson.

Look, Joey, look,

oh, you're gettin' to
stand on your grandpa.

He's gettin' tall.

Oh, you wanna see the picture.

You've had a very busy morning,

and I think it's time
for you to take a nap,

so you won't fall
asleep at your party.

Don't do that. He ain't
hollerin' that he's tired there.

Why does she always
haul him off to the sack?

Say "night-night."

Edith: Bye-bye, Joey.

You know, Joey saw
his first butterfly today.

Oh, this time of year?

Yeah, yeah, how
do you like that?

Yeah, oh, it was a beautiful one

with big, yellow wings
and purple stripes.

Yeah, stripes, oh, yeah.

And black around the
edges, and little white dots.

Yeah, it was fluttering around
close to the grass, you know?

And Joey was so cute.

He tried so hard to catch it.

Did he catch it?

No, he was too
slow, so, uh, I k*lled it

and stuffed it in
his pocket for him.

Your father m*rder*d
a butterfly today.

Oh, that's nice.

What the hell does
he mean, I m*rder*d?

You know, you must have
showed him an awful good time

'cause he went out like a light.

Oh, hey, wait till I
show you what I got him.

I was down in Kharf's
toy store today, you know,

and I got him this.

This is his grandpa's
personal gift to Joey.

Huh?

Daddy. Hate g*ns.

This here is a model of one of the
real ones they give to guys nowadays.

It's a hell of a lot better
than what they give me

to k*ll Krauts in World w*r II.

Arch, he's a whole year old,

I'm surprised you
didn't get him a real g*n.

Plenty of time for that
when he gets older.

Mike, if you don't like it,

we can take it back and
get him something else.

Good. What do you
mean, "take it back"?

I got a right to buy
my grandson a present.

He got a right to have it.

Not if I don't want
him to have it.

Oh, jeez,

listen to the great
dictator over here.

You're supposed
to be the big bug

on the Constitution, right?

You know the First
Amendment of the Constitution

guarantees that baby the right

to bear a machine g*n?

First Amendment
guarantees free speech.

Same thing, buddy boy.

You got a g*n in your hand,

you're free to make
any speech you want.

Ready on the right,
ready on the left,

ready on the f*ring line!

You are not giving my son a g*n.

This is for you, pinko.

What are ya doin'?

Give me that back, will ya?

What, are you crazy?

There's a German Schutzstaffel

sittin' there, get him!

Daddy! A little Jap sn*per here.

Give her that there.

Give me that.

All right, I know
that you meant well,

but we'd rather you give Joey
something a little less violent.

Ah, come on. Yeah, Archie,
we'll get him somethin' else.

"We'll get him something else."

What do you wanna get him?

A little dolly in a
pink party dress?

Oh, no, don't get him a doll.

We already got
him one. It's so cute.

Ah, don't tell me... Oh, jeez!

Look... You got him that?

Now I can lay down and croak.

I seen everything.

A dolly. What, are you gonna
raise him up to be a fruitcake?

No, let's do it your way, Arch.

We'll raise him up
to be a mafia hit-man.

Get away from me, you.

Daddy, it's very good for
little boys to play with dolls.

There's even a book out
now called William's Doll.

Williams Doll?!

Yes, yes, yes! Aw, come on.

And it says that little boys who play
with dolls grow up to be good fathers.

Oh, what a lie.

Little boys who play with dolls

grow up to be other
boys' roommates.

I'll give this to somebody else.

Give it to me. Daddy...

Look what you just did!

What did you do that for?

All right, don't make
a federal case out of it.

Well, I can't give
it to Joey like this.

All right, maybe you could find
some poor, deserving, little, sissy kid

who would like a
"decrapitated" pee-pee doll.

She hits me all the time.

Maybe we can find
some poor, deserving,

homicidal maniac
who'd like this. Hey, hey!

Michael! You like that?

You know what you
just went and done?

You blew seven bucks
of my hard-earned dough.

Now, stop it, both of you.

You're ruining Joey's birthday.

To hell with the birthday.

They're ruining Joey.

For your information, Arch,

all Gloria and I have been
talking about this morning

is how you're ruining Joey.

I'm... What is
it? Wait a minute.

I have made up my mind!

We are not leaving
Joey with him!

We're leaving Joey
with Al and Trudy.

When?

When we're gone.

Where the hell are you
goin' on his birthday?

Arch, what I'm
trying to say is...

if anything terrible should
happen to Gloria and me,

we've decided to leave
Joey with Al and Trudy.

We feel that for
a lot of reasons

that would be the wisest choice.

You mean if you die,

you want your friends
to bring up Joey

instead of his own grandparents?

Yeah, that's what
I'm saying, Ma.

Well, what are you saying here?

You're saying that her
and me ain't good enough

to, uh, raise our own grandson?

Huh?

Oh, well...

I guess there ain't nothin'
left to say, uh, except, uh,

where's my hat?

Ma, Daddy, don't walk
out on Joey's birthday.

Oh, oh, listen, I mean,

uh, if we ain't
fit to raise Joey

then, uh, we ain't fit
to be at the birthday.

Well, let me tell you this...

You gonna sing "Happy
Birthday" around here,

don't let me hear it next door.

You better keep it pretty low.

Or I am gonna call
the cops on youse.

I really think we did
what we had to do.

It's not just Archie's
attitude about g*ns.

I could accept a toy
g*n on a birthday.

It's his attitude
about everything.

Do you want our son growing up
fearing and mistrusting all the other kids,

thinking that all
blacks are lazy,

that all Jews are
money grubbers,

that all Puerto
Ricans carry knives,

and that Polish people
put initials on their sleeves

so they can have
monogrammed hankerchiefs?

'Cause let's face it, honey,
that's the way Archie thinks.

Well, I didn't grow
up thinking that way.

Yeah, but you also had
your mother's influence.

We can't take the chance that
something might happen to Ma.

Look, I'm confident we
made the right decision.

Well, I'm not.

I'll be the first to admit that
Al and Trudy are not perfect.

What I know about Al, I like.

Well, what about what
you don't know about him?

I'm sure he has his faults.

Let's get this thing
over with, huh?

Who are you
calling? I'm calling Al.

Michael, don't call Al.

Please, please. Just trust me.

Al, hey. You crazy nutball,
how the hell are you?

Yeah, it's me.

Can I come in?

Come on in. Michael, it's Ma.

Nice talking to you, Al.

Hi, Ma.

Hi, Ma.

Hello.

I wanna talk to ya.

Where's Daddy?

He's home.

He don't wanna ever step foot

in this house again.

Well, you didn't give
us a chance to explain.

Yeah, there were a
lot of things to consider.

Raising a child is a
really hard job, you know?

There's a hundred and one
things to do every minute.

Oh, I didn't know that.

I know you went through it, Ma,

but it gets tougher
as the years go by,

and, well, maybe child-rearing
is for younger women.

Gloria, do you
really believe that?

No.

I thought you'd trust us more.

I'm sorry.

What's wrong with
your father and me.

Ma, there's nothing
wrong with you.

Let me tell you
somethin' about Archie...

He loves his grandson.

He's a good grandpa.

I never seen him

show so much love
as he does to little Joey.

Ma, maybe I can
explain it to him.

No, he's too hurt already.

He don't wanna talk
no more about this.

I wanna talk about this!

Get away from me, you.

I wanna talk to my
daughter over here.

I wanna... Oh, jeez.

Don't laugh!

Don't nobody laugh.

I wanna hear this
from your own mouth,

that you don't think
your mother and me

is fit guardians
for little Joey.

Look, Arch, we know
this is tough on you...

I don't wanna hear
nothin' from you.

Do you think if you d*ed

and some stranger come
along to take that child

that I wouldn't grab him?

We can put it in the will.

Oh, oh, oh, the will, huh?

I would take any will into court

and have it thrown out.

On what grounds?

On the courthouse
grounds, under the windows.

You think any self-respecting
Republican judge

is gonna go against me in this?

A veteran citizen of
New York, and alive,

in favor of a dead
Polack from Chicago?

I think our decision

is speaking for
itself right now.

Well, is this your decision?

I wish I were dead.

Me too.

Oh, listen, let me
tell you, Meathead,

death ain't gonna
save you from me.

I would dig you
up, dust you off,

drag you into court,
and say "look at this."

I hate this conversation!

In the meantime, live with that.

Edith, I had my say,

and that should be
good enough for you.

Let's go.

But, Archie, we can't leave.

No, no, Edith. What
the hell is the use

in talking to these people?

They ain't gonna listen.

It's like the old
"adverb," you know?

You can lead a gift
horse to the water,

but you can't look in his mouth.

Well, tell Joey

his grandma and his grandpa
wish him a happy birthday.

Honey, honey, come on, come on.

You know in your heart

that Al's the better
choice over Archie...

don't you?

My father might be a
lot of things, Michael,

but I am willing to bet you

that at a party,

he never made a pass
at his best friend's wife.

Wha... You...
Wha... Tha... Tha...

Al Bender did that?!

Honey, I wasn't gonna tell you.

I didn't wanna
ruin your friendship.

Behind my back?!

No, right under your nose.

You got bombed, and
then he got a little grabby.

Grabby? Where?

Right in the kitchen.

Not where there.

Where here?

Oh, where here doesn't matter.

Nothing happened.

Michael, do you think I'd
let a turkey like Al Bender

thr*aten our marriage?

I love you.

I'm sorry, honey.

I love you, too.

I trust you.

Just tell me where
he grabbed you.

Just... I just wanna...
Forget it, Michael.

It doesn't matter.

Don't you understand?

We belong to each other.

Forever and ever.

That's it!

What? That's the solution.

What?

Forever and ever!

What are you talking about?

We don't need to
find guardians for Joey

because we're
never going to die!

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

We'll make an anti-dying pact.

We'll promise each
other never to die.

You will not die,
and I will not die,

and if we ever decide to die,

we just won't die
at the same time.

Agreed?

Agree.

You know, we're just
avoiding this thing?

For now.

And you know what
else we should do?

We should stick
a pin in our finger,

and sign the oath in blood.

Are you crazy? We could
get infections and die.

Yeah, oh, sure, little girl.

Yeah, uh, thanks
very much for callin' up.

No, no, you don't have
to apologize no more, I...

Oh, yeah, I understand
what youse are gonna do now.

Wait till you hear the nut-stuff

I'm hearin' on this phone.

Yeah, oh, sure,
we're comin' right over.

Yeah, right over.

Yeah, goodbye.

What did she say?

Grab you hat and
let's get over there fast.

What happened?

Is the party on?

Oh, the party's on,

and them two sound like
they're on something powerful.

Well, what did she say?

They decided not to name

what do you call "Hal" and Trudy

as guardians for Joey.

Well, who did they name?

They're namin' nobody.

Oh.

You know why
they're namin' nobody?

'Cause they just had
a little talk over there,

and they decided that
they ain't never gonna die.

Oh.

Which means they're
gonna live happy ever after

in a booby-hatch.

Oh!

Keep on laughin'
that way, and, uh,

you can move in there with 'em.

Archie, but that's
wonderful, don't you see?

No!

Well, if they don't name nobody,

then if something
happens to them...

Oh, God forbid,

but we would get Joey,
'cause we're his grandparents,

we're blood relations.

Well, that's pretty sharp
thinkin' there, Edith.

That's the kinda
thinki" I'd have probably,

uh, thought about myself
if I'd have thought about it,

but still, don't
you feel insulted?

Why didn't they name us?

Well, maybe they will sometime.

But when?

Well, I don't know. Not today.

Come on, let's go.

Edith, you know what
we're doin', don't ya?

We're just sweepi" dirty dishes

under the rug.

Well, for now.

Come on, let's go to the party.

Wait a minute, look
in your pocket-book.

See if you got a
$ bill there, will ya?

Well, yeah, I think I do.

What do you want it for?

I wanna get down to
Kharf's before they close,

and pick up another machine g*n.

Oh, no.

Give me the money! No!

Give me the money! Come on!

Gimme! Edith,
give me that money!

Edith, Edith, I want
that money there!

Close the door,
Archie, burglars!

Oh, jeez!

Edith!

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.