01x01 - BFD

[bunniefuu]

(WIND BLOWING)

("KANSAS STATE LINE" BY
CONNIE CONWAY PLAYING)

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

♪ I've never been west
of the Kansas state line ♪

♪ I've stayed home all my life
and I've worked all the time ♪

♪ But I'm a rover at heart ♪

♪ And made up my mind ♪

♪ To see what's out west
of the Kansas state line ♪

♪ My daddy's a farmer ♪

♪ In the Middle West,
he swears that... ♪

(PAPER CRINKLING)

Few quick things before
lunch. Joel, raise your hand.

Joel is gonna be
supervising Krista's team

while she's in recovery.

Don't forget to sign her card.

This afternoon, Larry's team's
gonna meet with me in the annex

to go over the rubric
for Ohio third grade,

so we can get a head start on that.

Lastly, e-cigarettes...

(LOUD SLURPING)

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

- (CRINKLING CUP)
- (SNIFFS)

(LAUGHS)

(SNIFFLES)

(GASPS)

(SOFT CRYING)

(SOBS)

(SNIFFLING)

(CRYING)

(GASPS)

(SOBS)

(SNIFFLES, SIGHS)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

- Hey...
- (GASPING)

- Are you okay?
- (SNIFFS)

Yeah.

Sorry. I was just...

reading this little girl's essay,

and it wasn't even that sad,

you know? (SNIFFS, EXHALES)

It was just about...

teaching her little
sister how to take her...

training wheels off her bike.

- (BLOWS NOSE)
- Must've been a good essay.

It was kinda mediocre, actually.

- (LAUGHS)
- (SIGHS)

But it just got me. (BLOWS NOSE)

It happens.

Sorry, I just...

I lost my sister six months
ago, so I'm a little...

JOEL: I know.

I'm so sorry about Holly.

She was a few years ahead of us, right?

I'm sorry, I didn't... (SNIFFS)

I didn't realize that we
went to high school together.

We were in show choir together.

No, I... I knew I recognized you.

No, you didn't.

- I didn't.
- It's all good.

A lot of people don't remember me.

Hey, if you wanna take off
for the rest of the day,

I'll tell Irma you got
diarrhea or something.

(SNIFFS) Yeah?

And it made me cry?

(LAUGHING)

I guess that is kind of weird. (LAUGHS)

I'll think of something. (LAUGHS)

I can just leave?

You're free!

(LAUGHS)

- Thank you.
- Feel better.

(INHALES, SIGHS)

(LIGHT THEME PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BRAKES CREAK)

- How's it going, Sam?
- Hey, Ran-dog.

- (SIGHS)
- Hey...

- Did you know that Kayleigh Normandin wrote a book?
- Yeah.

Everyone's freaking out
'cause it's about high school.

- Like, our years.
- Oh sh*t.

So, uh, do we all get nailed or?

I just hope my DUI isn't in it.

Tammy doesn't know.

Do you think it's gonna be any good?

Yeah, I wouldn't worry
about that. (LAUGHS)

You want a broken muffin?

Yes, I would.

Hey, Shannon, is your mom home?

(SHANNON ON PHONE):
Mom, it's Auntie Sam!

- Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- (SAM ON PHONE): Nothin'.

Can I come over and look
through Holly's clothes?

- SAM: Dude, of course! Anytime.
- Awesome.

- Here she is.
- (TRICIA ON PHONE): Hey, what's up?

Why didn't you tell me Kayleigh
Normandin wrote a dumb book?

TRICIA: Yeah, I mean, I
don't know, because I...

'cause I don't care? I don't
have time to talk right now.

- I'll just call you back, okay? Bye.
- (CLICKING)

You know what? Don't worry about it.

I'll just see you at Mom and Dad's.

- What the f*ck?!
- (TRUCK UNLOCKING)

(PANTING)

Oh, I'm sorry. The...

I have the same car. (LAUGHS)

My mistake. f*ck!

SHANNON: Aren't you gonna
move into Aunt Holly's room?

SAM: I don't know. I'm
kinda used to the couch.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

♪ All I know is heading
down to Nashville... ♪

I love this one.

SAM: That was just last year.

♪ On a rusty, dusty... ♪

(SIGHS) You know, I keep
trying to go through her stuff,

and I get kinda stuck.

♪ Ooh... ♪

Oh my God. Manic Panic? Can we?

f*ck yeah, we can. (LAUGHS)

(SNIFFS) Oh my God.

I love that smell. Smell it.

You know what?

I don't know, my mom might k*ll me.

Well...

- We could do just the tips.
- Yeah, just the tips.

- Yeah, just the tips!
- Just the tips!

- You know not to fall for that, right?
- Sam, I know!

Okay, I'm just checkin'.

I don't need gloves for this sh*t, do I?

- You're good.
- Okay.

- (RADIO PLAYING)
- You know that says

- "Lez Zeppelin"?
- Yeah,

- and it's bad-ass, right?
- Yeah, it is.

(SIGHS) Check me out.

- SHANNON: You look fierce.
- SAM: Hm.

- Look at those g*ns!
- Yeah.

Show choir...

Oh my God! (GASPS)

I'm such a d*ck!

There he is...

- You still got it.
- JOEL: I never had it.

Look at that gorgeous
wave of bangs you had.

- (LAUGHS)
- This is a very nice manicure, by the way.

Oh, thank you so much for noticing.

(LAUGHS)

We go to the same church.

- I'm a pianist.
- Pianist?

- (LAUGHS)
- Cute.

Hey, do you miss this?

f*ckin' high school? No.

No. (LAUGHS) Performing.

No...

I used to love watching you sing.

You were so joyful.

It, like, soaked into me.

Nothing made me happy in high school,

and that made me so happy.

Thank you.

- Your voice, it was like next level.
- Come on...

It is!

That Peter Gabriel duet you did

at the Sadie Hawkins
dance? That k*lled me!

Gah!

Kayleigh Normandin was so pissed...

- Oh God.
- ... that I got picked for that, but, you know,

you got the voice of an
angel, what are you gonna do?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

She was like high school
talented. It's not special.

She looks exactly the same, doesn't she?

- Ah!
- (LAUGHS)

Do you know she has a
book signing on Saturday?

- Um, yeah.
- (LAUGHS)

I had heard a little
somethin' about that.

No offense, but that is so crazy to me!

Thank you!

Didn't she get caught like
plagiarizing in high school?

- Repeatedly!
- Oh my God!

Do you wanna go?

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Okay.

Oh my God.

- Oh no. Oh no!
- (LAUGHS)

- Why hire a graphic designer?
- Why?

- No. Okay, uh...
- All right, just read it.

"As the bus propelled itself
away from the auditorium,

and the clouds began
to deluge around us... "

- Oh, this is great.
- (LAUGHS)

It's like it was translated
from another language.

- (LAUGHS)
- Well, look for me. Am I in there?

I gotta be in there.

Samantha's...

You are in here.

Well, what's it say?

What's it say?

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, this is...

Oh, this is a piece of sh*t.

- It is. It's a piece of sh*t.
- It is a piece of sh*t but,

you know, I'm actually
kind of honored to be in it.

- I mean...
- You're honored to have

your high school trauma memorialized

in a shitty, self-published memoir?

- Yeah!
- Ha! Good for you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

But, I mean...

I mean, she actually did it. She...

Kayleigh wrote a f*cking book.

Did she? It's pages long.

Well, I guess that
qualifies then as a booklet.

(LAUGHS)

Somethin' you might pick up
and read on the toilet, right?

- Somethin' you might find in the toilet.
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)

♪ ♪

MARY JO: Tricia, Jesus Christ,

- you trying to air condition the whole house?
- No, I'm...

- Close the door.
- Mom, I'm just trying to make room!

- (DOOR OPENS)
- It's a mess in here.

Why do you have to
criticize everything I do?

- TRICIA: I'm not.
- Hey, Mom.

Well, look who just waltzed in.

Well, we didn't think you
were coming. We already ate.

All right, well I'll just have beer.

(VIDEO GAME NOISES)

(g*nf*re, EXPLOSIONS)

- Did you bring your Nintendo?
- It's not a Nintendo.

Okay...

d*ck...

(VIDEO GAME NOISES CONTINUE)

- Hey!
- (GIGGLES)

(QUIETLY): Your hair
looks f*cking awesome.

Mom is super pissed.

Just maybe don't let her see your hands.

- Okay.
- Hey, Dad?

RICK: Not now, Shan.

I just wanted to see if
I can, like, borrow...

- (BANG)
- (LIQUID SPILLS)

(LAUGHING)

- Who closed the door?
- Dad!

- Are you okay, Mom?
- (LAUGHING)

Ugh...

(FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING)

(PLASTIC CRINKLING)

(FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING)

(PLASTIC CRINKLING)

You know Shannon has
yearbook photos next week?

That's great. She's
gonna look really cool.

Do you have any idea

how much it costs to...

strip, lowlight, re-highlight, and then

add a gloss, Sam?

- Uh, literally no idea...
- Well,

it's a lot.

You know, I think maybe you can
take it a little easier on her.

She's just like a kid.

- It's what they do. They're trying to...
- Sorry, sorry.

Just... excuse me?

I mean, she's a good kid.

Uh-huh, and just who are you, exactly,

to give advice to anyone

- about literally anything?
- What?

I mean, what are you doing
with your g*dd*mn life?

Jesus Christ, Tricia.

No, no, really. Actually, I'm asking.

Like, I wanna know. What
are you doing with your life?

Well, I came home so I
could take care of Holly

- because nobody else wanted to!
- Okay, right. So,

that was one year? Right? One.

And so then what were
you doing for the, uh,

is it or years
before that in Lawrence?

What were you doing then?

And then, what have you
been doing since then?

I mean, you're coming at
me really hard right now.

- I don't understand what this is all about!
- You know what,

it was always you and Holly.

You and Holly in your own little world.

And now, you're trying...

to glom onto my daughter,

and make her your new Holly,
and it's not gonna happen.

Wha... I'm her aunt! What
are you talking about?

I don't understand what this means!

You're dyeing her hair.

You are giving her
Holly's gay-ass T-shirts.

And I... I mean, like,

literally gay, okay?
I'm not saying "gay"

- like it's a bad word, gay, so don't start with all that.
- Oh, yes, you are.

- Yes, you are!
- Could you just...

Could you just chill out
and lower your voice, please?

(QUIETER): How can you talk
about our sister that way?

- How? It's our f*cking sister.
- I mean,

love the sinner, hate the sin.

It's pretty simple.

RICK: Babe, I'm still
hungry! What should I eat?

The Mexican casserole's really good!

There she is.

- (TRICIA SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT)
- (ASCENDING FOOTSTEPS)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(ARROW FLYING, THUDS)

Hey, Dad.

(BOW STRAINING)

(ARROW FLYING, THUDS)

You hiding, too?

Yep.

Jesus Christ.

You think we need to talk to Mom again?

She ain't gonna listen.

(BOW STRAINING)

- What a shitty year, huh?
- Yeah.

- (FARTS)
- (LAUGHS)

- (LAUGHS)
- Love you, too, Dad.

I was pulling down so hard on
the bow trying to keep it still.

- Here.
- (LAUGHS)

I, uh...

I ran into, uh, Coach
Spence the other day, uh...

You know, he, uh,

he asked about your singing.

What's he care about my singing?

I think he was just
wondering how you were doing.

(SIGHS) I'm doing great, Dad.

So good.

If anyone asks, you
can just tell them...

(SIGHS) You know, I just...

I miss her so much.

And...

I don't really know where I belong here.

And Tricia...

I don't know.

For what it's worth, uh...

- It's nice to have you back home.
- (ARROW FLYING, THUDS)

- (BREAK ROOM CHATTER)
- (MACHINES BEEPING)

TODD: If they're writing about
dr*gs or if a kid is writing about

having sex with a bunch
of people all at one time,

- that's a problem for me.
- MONICA: Yeah,

but if the essay topic was
"What I did on summer vacation,"

- and that's what they did...
- No, no, no. Oh my God.

- ... then they're on topic.
- Either way, it puts us in a difficult situation...

(SIGHS) God, shut up!

(POPCORN POPPING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(JOEL SIGHS)

Just pretend that we're
having a serious conversation.

Irma said that I have to talk to you.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, I don't give a f*ck.

I hate that kid. He's gonna get
fired. Everybody hates that kid.

Sorry, it's just like, it's like,

- my second breakdown this week.
- JOEL: Meh.

- It's the fluorescent lighting in here.
- (LAUGHS)

God, I can't believe I like
"know you" know you now.

- Are you f*ckin' with me?
- No. You're a big f*ckin' deal.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

- SAM: Oh, me?
- Yeah.

Laying low.

Lower than usual even. (LAUGHS)

Here's a little invite to this
thing I do. Choir practice.

Do you know, um, Faith Presbyterian?

That church in the Mills Mall?

Yeah, but I'm not really
much of a church person.

No, no. It's church-adjacent. It's fun.

No presh, but...

I think you'd really like it.

(MUFFLED SPLASH)

♪ ♪

(MUFFLED SWIMMING)

(SPLASHING)

(MUFFLED WOMEN CHATTERING)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

(CHATTER, LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

(SHUTS DOOR)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC)

(MUSIC GETS LOUDER)

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

(PARTY MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

Oh my God, you came!

- (LAUGHING)
- Yes.

Hey, take these ones...

and then put them in
that one over there.

- (MIC TAPPING)
- EMCEE: Hot mic!

Hold on. Gimme a sec, folks. One sec.

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

What is this? I thought
this was like choir practice.

Well, that's what the
church gave me keys for,

so that's what I call it.

This isn't, like, officially sanctioned.

- (GIGGLES)
- EMCEE: Good evening.

I'm Fred Rococo, and welcome to

the fourth ever choir
practice, y'all. Come on!

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

FRED: It's gonna get better, I promise.

Now, Joel, remind me the
theme of tonight's sermon.

- Choose the right way!
- Ah, all right. Well, would you get over here

and get behind the keys
and tickle me something?

- Come on!
- Okay. I'll be right back.

- Don't leave. Don't leave, okay?
- FRED: Take your time, Joel.

- (JOEL LAUGHS)
- We got stuff to do. Come on.

Something nice. Nice and vampy.

- Oh, that's great. Great.
- (PLAYING JAUNTY PIANO)

All right. Choose the right way.

Who would've ever imagined
that these two nobodies

would some day make it all the way

to this here stage

at a Presbyterian church in a dying mall

in the eighth biggest town in Kansas?

- Believe in your dreams, kids.
- (SCATTERED CHEERING)

Come on, we did it!

(APPLAUSE)

So tonight, we're
gonna do some drinkin',

some dancin', and some fellowshippin'.

And, uh, our first performer,

even though we're not quite
ready and the lights aren't set,

insisted on coming and
joining us right now.

So please, uh, let's give her

a big choir practice welcome,

the incomparable Irma!

(APPLAUSE)

(PIANO VAMPING ENDS)

("CONGA" BY GLORIA ESTEFAN)

(SINGING): ♪ Come on, shake
your body, baby, do the conga. ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ Come on, shake your body, baby,
do the conga, I know you... ♪

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- JOEL: Hey!
- Oh sh*t...

Uh, hey, y'all. So, this is
Sam, and you know Michael.

- Yeah, hi. Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Sam.

- TIFFANI: Uh, Tiffani.
- SAM: Oh, hi. I'm Sam.

IRMA: Ow!

- (CROWD CHEERING)
- ("CONGA" CONTINUES)

TIFFANI: I love this thing,

but I still get a little creeped
out being inside a church.

- It brings some sh*t up.
- I know, and you're not

the only one that's said that, but, um,

for all the f*cked-up sh*t
that I would never defend and...

all the times I've been excluded...

this is still where I find comfort.

That's called Stockholm Syndrome.

- (LAUGHTER)
- FRED: Hey. Are you gonna introduce me

- or what? Come on.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Sam, this is Fred Rococo.
- Oh, hey, Fred Rococo.

Please...

Call me Fred Rococo.
That's a strong shake.

(LAUGHS)

MICHAEL: Oh my God.
What did the book say?

- Michael...
- I'm sorry! He tells me everything.

This mean girl wrote a book
called "Showgirls," and she wrote

about Sam, and she used her real name.

- Hold up. The book is called "Showgirls"?
- SAM: It's about show choir.

TIFFANI: Does she not
know about "Showgirls"?

- FRED: Great movie.
- MICHAEL: Agreed. Wait, wait, but, like,

so like, what did she say about you?

- Just some ridiculous made-up sh*t.
- TIFFANI: Like?

SAM: Oh, there's just...

this chapter about this dumb
rumor she spread junior year

about me sucking on tampons.

- Oof... (LAUGHS)
- MICHAEL: Oh my God.

- Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
- MICHAEL: Wait,

do girls do that?

No! No one does that!

I mean, somebody
probably does somewhere.

- God bless 'em.
- No!

They called her Sampire.

- MICHAEL: Oh my God! Kids f*cking suck.
- JOEL: Yeah.

You know what my great
grandmother used to say?

"I'm not gonna hit
you, but run into this."

(LAUGHTER)

Well, thanks, guys.

- Don't call me Sampire.
- You got it.

You know what? Take
that word back. Own it!

- f*ck no.
- (DOO-WOP SONG BEGINS)

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, my eyes would close ♪

♪ 'Cause you smile ♪

♪ With the beauty of a rose ♪

♪ And the moon stops to hear ♪

♪ The song ♪

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ You got that thing... ♪

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- (APPLAUSE)

You know, it feels so good

to be with you all in Manhattan, Kansas.

Now, I have to specify
because there's two Manhattans,

and both of them are my
favorite places to do showbiz.

Two Manhattans. Also what I
had for breakfast this morning.

- (RIMSHOT)
- (LAUGHTER)

Come on, people, that's a
joke! Get with the program!

- Come on!
- (RIMSHOT)

- (LAUGHTER)
- (DRUMMING)

When he looked at me in social
studies, my pants b*rned.

- (STIFLED LAUGH)
- Like my whole body froze.

- I wish I had boobies...
- (LIGHT LAUGHTER)

so he would want... to touch them.

(STIFLED LAUGHTER, GETTING LOUDER)

Oh, come on! One more day!

(CLAPPING)

That was Michael with
some more stolen moments

from his sister's diary.

(APPLAUSE)

(JOEL ON MIC): So, um,

one of my favorite singers in

the entire world is
here with us tonight.

Sampire. Come on up here.

No!

JOEL: Sampire...

Sampire...

CROWD: Sampire... Sampire...

Sampire... Sampire!

The public demands it!

ALL: Sampire! Sampire! Sampire!

- Sampire! Sampire! Sampire!
- (CLAPPING)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(JOEL PLAYING "DON'T GIVE UP")

I'll sing the Kate Bush part.

(SIGHS)

I haven't done this for a long time.

(PIANO CONTINUES)

(EXHALES)

♪ In this proud land,
we grew up strong ♪

♪ We were wanted all along ♪

♪ I was taught to fight, taught to win ♪

♪ I never thought I could fail ♪

♪ No fight left or so it seems ♪

♪ I'm a man whose dreams
have all deserted ♪

♪ I changed my face, I changed my name ♪

♪ But no one wants you ♪

♪ When you lose ♪

(CYMBAL TAPS)

(JOEL SINGING): ♪ Don't give up... ♪

♪ 'Cause you have friends ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ You're not beaten yet ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ 'Cause somewhere, there's a place ♪

♪ Where we belong ♪

(MUSIC SWELLING)

♪ Rest your head ♪

♪ You worry too much ♪

♪ It's gonna be all right ♪

(BOTH SINGING):
♪ When times get rough... ♪

♪ You can fall back ♪

♪ On us ♪

♪ Don't give up ♪

♪ Please don't give up ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ Gonna walk out of here ♪

♪ I can't take ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ I'm gonna stand on that bridge ♪

♪ Keep my eyes down below ♪

♪ Whatever may come ♪

♪ And whatever may go ♪

♪ That river's flowing ♪

♪ That river's flowing ♪

(SONG ENDS)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

("MY SENTIMENT" BY UNIVERSAL
TOGETHERNESS BAND PLAYING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Lovely girl, I wish that ♪

♪ I could make love to you ♪

♪ And you'd be mine ♪

♪ I never wanna lose you ♪

♪ Watching you is the
highlight of my day ♪

♪ And afternoons with you are like ♪

♪ A dream come true ♪

♪ My sentiments ♪

♪ Of your, my sentiments ♪

♪ Of your sweet baby ♪

♪ My sentiments ♪

♪ Of your ♪

♪ My sentiments... ♪