01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show "How I Met Your Father". Aired: January 18, 2022 to present.*
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Spin-off from How I Met Your Mother, Sophie tells her son how she met his Father.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

[Upbeat theme playing]

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪



- House, call my son.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Lights on.

It's , how does this still not work?

Call. My. Son!

And turn down the damn lights.

- [beeping]
- SON [on video call]: Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, sweetie!

- Oh, you look tired.
- SON: Okay, thanks for calling.

- Are you busy?
- SON: Not really. Just finished studying.

[laughs] Good 'cause I wanna tell you

the story of how I met your father.

SON: I already know how you met Dad.

Ah, you know the basics,

but it's time for me to tell
you the unabridged version.

SON: How many glasses of
that wine have you had?

Just enough to include the sexy bits.

[laughs]

SON: Oh good god, here we go.

Now, like a lot of love
stories back in ,

this one starts with a Tinder date.

Excuse me.

FUTURE MOM: Actually, it starts
with me being late to a Tinder date.

- Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
- [car honking]

- Uh, Sophie?
- Yeah!

Hey, I'm Jesse. This
is my best friend Sid.

Don't mind him, he's
just hitching a ride.

Oh! Ask me why I'm hitching a ride.

[Jesse sighs]

- Come on! Ask me!
- Uh, w-why are you hitching a ride, Sid?

- I'm proposing to my girlfriend tonight.
- [Sophie gasps]

Wow, girlfriend! Not gonna
be saying that much longer!

Someone's gonna be nothing but fiancée!

Fiancée! Fiancée! Fiancée!

Sophie, be a dear and choke me out
with this charging cord, would you?

Ooh, actually, can I use it

'cause my phone's belly
is hungry. She's all,

[baby voice, crying]: "Feed me, Mama!"

Okay, tell me everything. Who is she?

Okay, so her name's Hannah.

She's a surgical resident in LA,

so we've been doing
the long-distance thing

while I'm here running
my bar, Pemberton's.

Uh, look at you, locking down a surgeon!

- [laughs]
- How you gonna ask her?

So, she thinks we're gonna
go see Beyoncé tonight,

but really, I got all our friends
waiting at my bar to surprise her.

You think she's gonna be a little bummed

that you're not actually seeing Beyoncé?

I keep telling him
she's gonna be bummed.

Okay, a lifetime with me
is better than Beyoncé.

- Sure.
- Hm...

So, uh, what about you, Sophie?

What's going on at the Rosewood bar?

Okay, uh,

I know this might sound crazy,

but I think I've found the man

that I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life with.

- Hm.
- Yeah.

Only thing is he's from Tinder,

and we haven't actually
met in real life yet.

Oh, very You've Got Mail.

More like you've got unrealistic
expectations for this date.

Okay, I-I know how this sounds,

but I am not some wide-eyed dope

who thinks she's found true love
every time some douchey ibanker

swipes right and texts, "'Sup?"

- [Jesse laughs]
- My last Tinder date was the worst one yet.

The guy showed up minutes late.

Sophie? Sorry, I'm late.

Oh. That's okay.

Subway delay?

Uh, no, actually, I was, uh...

I was on another date
before this, and, uh,

let's just say it went well.

Like, uh...

Like really well.

Like, I just had sex.

- He told you that?!
- Why would he tell you that?!

That's not even the worst part.

He actually thought that telling
me he just had sex was charming.

He thought I'd just
laugh and smile and say,

"That's so crazy!" Because,
God forbid, a woman in this city

actually expects anything from a guy,

even if it's just the basic
decency to not tell her

he just had sexual
intercourse with someone else!

What is wrong with everyone?!

And right there, outside that bar,

I decided to quit Tinder.

But when I went to
deactivate my account...

- [ding]
- I matched with Ian.

You matched with Ian?!
She matched with Ian.

- Yeah.
- It started with

your typical flirty banter, you
know, just getting to know you stuff.

Who was your first celebrity crush?

IAN: Tia Mowry. You?

SOPHIE: Buzz Lightyear.

IAN: Oh, an astronaut made of plastic...

Freaky!

[laughs]

And then we started to
actually get to know each other.

IAN: What kind of photography do you do?

SOPHIE: Right now, I sh**t
stuff like birthday parties

and engagement photos to pay the rent,

but my heart is in street photography.

IAN: That's when you
sneak up on a stranger,

take their picture, and then run
away before they punch you, right?

SOPHIE: That's exactly right.

- What do you do?
- IAN: I know this sounds made up,

but I'm a marine biologist.

SOPHIE: That is % made up.

And before long, we
were texting all day.

All night, too.

- First kiss?
- IAN: Mabel Greyhound, seventh grade.

- SOPHIE: You cook?
- IAN: One of my favorite hobbies.

[overlapping flirty banter]

IAN: I've been thinkin'
about you all day.

Oh my god, Ian, ask a girl out already!

I was thinking the exact same thing!

So, are you ever gonna ask
me to meet you in real life?

IAN: I'd love to,

but I'm in Australia for
work for the next two weeks.

So, we made plans to
meet up when he got back,

and that brings us to tonight,

and my last first date ever.

Wow, that's romantic as hell.

I know, right?

- What does the killjoy think?
- Hey!

Look, I got a real good
feeling about this Ian guy.

No, no. I can't do it.

No, the truth is the chances of this guy

being your soul mate are lower than low.

I mean, there's a better chance
of you giving me a five-star review

after this rude assessment I'm making.

Speaking of which,
don't forget your phone.

Ah. Thanks.

- [opens door]
- Uh, happy proposing.

SID: Thank you.

- [shuts door]
- [street chatter]

- What?
- Ooh... You liked her.

Did not.

- Did, too.
- Did not!

- Did not.
- Did, too... Dammit.

[bar chatter]

[quiet music]

Ian?

Sophie!

[laughs] Hi.

Hi.

And thus began the best
first date I'd ever been on.

A date so good, you don't
even check your phone.

- SOPHIE'S SON: Whoa.
- I know.

[laughs]

You know, we should go see
that new movie next week

where walking Joaquin
Phoenix plays Amelia Earhart.

FUTURE SOPHIE: And then it happened.

[Quiet music]

What?

Okay, so...

Sophie, the thing is...

I'm moving to Australia.

You just got back from there.

I know.

It was only supposed
to be a research trip,

but right before I left, they
offered me a full-time job

on a team that's helping
endangered coral reef procreate.

[Sophie chuckles]

Can't you just...

light a candle and
put on some soft rock?

I mean, that always works for me.

[scoffs]

When are you leaving?

Tonight.

Tonight.

I only came back to New York
to pack and sublet my place.

I know I should have
told you this sooner.

I was just afraid
that you wouldn't come,

and...

I had to meet you, Sophie.



FUTURE SOPHIE: And so,

we decided it would be a bad idea

to start a long-distance relationship

after just a few weeks of texting

and an amazing first date.

[both sigh]

Goodbye, Sophie.

Goodbye, Ian.

Uh... [laughs]

I kind of wanna kiss you right now.

I kind of want that, too.

Uh... I think it's best if we don't.

Maybe someday.

[Ian sighs]

Yeah. Someday.

I was devastated.

But at least I was
coming home to my bestie,

Aunt Valentina!

She was just back from
Fashion Week in London.

SOPHIE: Oh! I'm so happy you're home.

I missed you so much.

We don't have time for
"I miss yous!" Dish.

How was your date with Ian? Was he tall?

- Yes.
- Was he a good listener?

Yes.

Were his eyes as kind as his photo?

Yes!

[squealing]

Why aren't you jumping?

Because he's moving to Australia.

Soph, I am so sorry.

Did you bang one out anyway?

[laughs]

Oh, at least I still have you.

You know what? We can just be

two single New York ladies
doing it for ourselves.

We can start a podcast
called "Who Needs Men?"

Ah! Yeah! Uh, about that...

We can workshop the title later.

- Oh my god!
- [screaming] My god!

A pervert! A pervert!

Please don't spray me! I
have an extremely delicate face!

He's not a pervert. This is Charlie.

Okay, he's sort of a
pervert, but in a good way,

- [exhales]
- You must be Sophie.

It's a real pleasure... Oh my god.

I'll go round up a robe.

Y... Funny story.

We me at London Fashion
Week. Hit it off...

big time.

One thing led to another,

and now he... lives with us.
So, back to you and Ian...

- Wait, what?!
- I know, this is fast,

but when he told his crazy fancy

"high society" family that
he was heading to New York

to be with a Mexican assistant stylist,

they made some very
outdated Ugly Betty jabs,

and then they cut off his trust fund!

They Meghan Markled you guys.

Although, it's for the best.

I mean, who needs unlimited
wealth and palaces?

I will get by on my charm
and my street smarts.

- I can see your penis again.
- Oh! [nervous laugh]

- [deep voice]: Stay in there, lad.
- Hm.

There my undies are!

That's right. Completely forgot

we started out here
with all the fruit play.

[gags]

You might wanna toss those, too.

These were organic!

So, I said I know this is
fast, but I am super into him,

and I decided I am not gonna
let something as irrational

as rational thinking
stand in the way of that.

FUTURE SOPHIE: And
that's when I realized...

I let rational thinking stand
in the way of me and Ian.

I mean, sure, he's moving
to a different continent,

but, you know, I've got tons of
miles. We can always have Facesex.

- Whoa, what is Facesex?
- I think she's mixing up

Facetime and phone sex.

I'm the cool friend.

I have to tell Ian that
ending things was a mistake.

Yes. Yes!

Tell him. Oh, I'd love that for you!

And this is where you say you love

my "British guy moves
in with us" plan for me.

Ah! This isn't my phone.

I must've taken the wrong one
when I got out of the Uber!

I've gotta get to Pemberton's right now.

Can we come with? Can't
wait to see the real New York.

[gasps] Can we take a subway?

I've always wanted to see
what the subway's like!

So, that's what a subway is like.

Does it always smell like that?

No! Sometimes, it's way worse.

One time, I was in a car where one
guy was peeing, one guy was pooping,

- and one guy was dead.
- Ah, the subway trifecta.

Hope you made a wish.

[gagging]

- CROWD: Surprise!
- [Sophie screaming]

Sophie! You're not Sid.
Why are you not Sid?

Because you gave me his
phone instead of mine

when I got out of your car.

Wait, so I've been tracking
you this whole time?

Okay, guys, we do not have eyes on Sid!

Everyone, back to your hiding spots.

Okay, what is Sid's ETA?

Literally any second, so
I really need you to hide.

Good, good, 'cause I'm not
sure what time Ian's flight is,

but I've gotta talk to him
before the plane takes off.

For the love of god, hide!

[panicked mumbling]

I freeze under pressure!

This is why I've been
hit by three Citi Bikes!





What are you doing?

Still smelling that
train. It's in my hair.

There's a stranger's body
odor trapped in my hair.

- Um, hello!
- [both gasp]

Sorry. Didn't see you there.

- I know. That's why I said, "Um, hello."
- [nervous laugh]

I was feeling creepier and creepier
with every second that passed.

I'm Ellen. I just moved here from Iowa.

- Mm.
- Oh,

and I'm Jesse's sister.
Adopted, obviously.

I mean, it's not obvious to me.
I have no idea who Jesse is.

Have you taken the train yet?
It's an underground freak show.

We get it. You hated the train.

So, what brings you to New York?

I'm getting divorced.

- Oh...
- Oh my god, you poor thing.

Little Crescent, Iowa,
has people in it,

and she was the only other lesbian.

We both knew it had run its course,

so I moved to New York to start
over, reconnect with my brother...

and ask out Kate McKinnon.

Whoa! Do you know Kate McKinnon?

No.

Do you?

- Where the hell are they?
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Look, look.

Sid is my best friend, okay? And if
he were in charge of my proposal...

Purely hypothetical, I'm
never getting married,

but he would make sure
it was perfect, alright?

So, I can't have your peeking
head ruining his big night.

- Alright, alright.
- [Jesse sighs]

Why are you never getting married?

[sighs] Uh, I'm never getting married

because the one girl I wanted
to marry broke my heart, okay?

- Wait a second.
- No.

- I know you.
- [sighs] And here we go.

- You are the guy from the video!
- [Jesse sighs]

FUTURE SOPHIE: The video
was an unfortunate incident

that had recently gone viral.

- Jesse. I'm sorry. I...
- CROWD: She's gonna say no. Oh my god.

- What a nightmare.
- This poor schmuck.

- What a loser.
- What a disaster.

[thudding, objects clattering]

Now, she's in Europe,
recording her first solo album,

and I'm known all around the
city as Mr. Proposal Fail.

You know who liked the video last
week on Twitter? Michelle Obama.

How did you forget the
Beyoncé tickets at the bar?

ALL: Surprise!

[gasping] What's happening?

[sighs] Hannah...

I remember the moment
I fell in love with you.

It was our first year of med school,

and we were dissecting dead bodies,

and, um,

you leaned over, and
you said to me, you said,

"Hey, you know how
to get to the stomach?

You take the spleen-ic route."

- [laughs]
- [scattered laughter]

And I thought, oh...

This is the girl for me.

CROWD: Aww...

Hannah, I believe we can make
it through anything together.

Even if sometimes, we
take the spleen-ic route.

[laughs] So...

[inhale, nervous exhale]

- Hannah...
- [patrons exclaiming]

Will you marry me?

Yes!

[cheering, applause]

Yes!

[laughs]

Oh, I can't believe I'm getting engaged

and seeing Beyoncé!

- [Valentina shrieks]
- Oh...

I can't believe I'm getting engaged!

[cheering, applause]

[quiet music]

Look at that! A proposal that won't haunt

and traumatize them forever.

Good for him.

- I love you so much.
- I love you more.

And I love hilarious phone mishaps.

[forced laugh]


We swapped in the Uber.
Mazel tov, by the way.

Uh, here. It's dead, which
feels very on brand for you.

Um, I'm sorry.

Mm!

- Oh my god.
- What?

There were so many men
urinating in there at once.

Just a cacophony of piss.

Wait, now you're too fancy for stalls?

Darling, I use stalls.

That's where we keep the ponies.

Valentina, I think I've
made a terrible mistake.

I don't think I can
live in this hellscape.

This hellscape is my daily life,

you prissy royal bitch.

Hey...

- [text chimes]
- Mm!

- Mm?
- Mm! One... one second.

Alright.

Oh my god.

A lung just became
available for my patient!

Yes! Oh!

Honey, oh...

- Oh, it's all over your shirt.
- It's okay.

Babe, I am so sorry, but
I have to get back to LA.

Hey, hey. Look, my sister's
hanging out with your friends.

She's kind of a loner, so I
really want her to meet people.

[inaudible]

Yeah. Seems like they're
really hitting it off.

- Mm.
- Hey,

as soon as my phone
powers on, I'm out of here,

but I wanted to tell you,
you can't give up on love

- just because of your proposal fail.
- [scoffs]

I know that there is
a Brooklyn Bridge girl

out there for you somewhere.

Am I supposed to know what
that is? Because you look like

you practically moved
yourself to tears just now,

but I have no idea what
you're talking about.

- It's this thing I made up.
- Okay.

See, I've lived in
New York since college,

but I've never walked
across the Brooklyn Bridge,

and after a while, I waited so long

that I decided I would wait
and walk it with my soulmate.

You're one of those people whose parents

actually stayed married, aren't you?

College sweethearts,

married for years sort of thing.

So you're like, if
they found each other,

there must be someone
out there for everyone.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right?

- Yeah. Something like that.
- [Jesse sighs]

Must be nice.

Those of us who grew up in
the real world, not so sure.

- Looks like your phone's back.
- Yes!

Aw.

Ian sent me a pic holding his
boarding pass and looking sad.

- Aww.
- I'm gonna call him.

[gasps]

Wait, look.

I can see all of his flight info.

Cool. He's got TSA PreCheck.

[sighs] He would!

I've always talked about getting that.

But it's like a whole
thing. No, not the point.

I'm going to go to JFK and
tell him that we're meant to be.

- Really?
- Hey, uh, can I borrow your car?

I need to take Hannah to the airport.

- What?
- Emergency surgery calls.

Seems like the universe wants me
to take everyone to the airport.

- Alright. Let's go.
- Okay. What, are you coming?

I am! Oh!

Wait!

You can't leave me alone with
Charlie. I think I hate him.

- We live with him.
- I know!

Valentina, don't abandon
me! I have nowhere to go!

I'll need to sell my body to survive!

Hey, sis! Uh, we're
all going to the airport.

You forgot me, didn't you?

What? Who could for...

Yeah. Completely forgot you. I'm sorry.



FUTURE SOPHIE: And so, we all went to JFK

to tell him that I
wanted us to be together.



There he is.

Oh god, don't let this
be the next Proposal Fail.

- [Jesse sighs]
- Wait! Aren't you...

It's actually Mr. Proposal Fail, but yes.

[mouthing]

Ian!

Sophie? What are you...

I've been on Tinder dates this year.

Okay, all of them were duds.

Just to be clear, I don't do,
like, sexy stuff with all the guys.

A lot of the times, I just
have a white wine and talk.

I also want to be clear
that I am not judging anyone

who does hook up on every date.

It's just not my style.
But if it's someone else's,

that's her business, and
it's nothing to be ashamed of.

This is getting away from her.

Look, what I'm trying to say is that

we live in confusing times,

where it's really hard to meet someone

and-and-and connect and have it feel...

Easy.

And tonight, it felt easy.

Other than the Australia thing,

which feels insurmountably hard,

but we can get through it.

I know that we can.

What do you say?

Sophie, I'd love to make it work, but...

it's a -hour time difference,

and I'm gonna be living

out at sea for weeks
on end without service.

It'd just be way too hard.

Oh, this is brutal.

I'm really sorry, Sophie.

But, maybe someday, right?

Yeah. Maybe.



FUTURE SOPHIE: But I didn't
want to wait around for some day.

I'm doing it!

I'm walking the bridge
without the love of my life!

Sounded more triumphant in my head.

You walk that bridge, girl.

That... surprisingly clean and...

actually rather majestic bridge.

You don't have to pretend
to like this for me.

I'm not pretending.

You know, I-I really
do think it's stunning.

Brimming with... with
life and personality.

Like you.

Charlie, do you know one of the
reasons I fell so hard for you?

Because my charm is all
boy, but my body is all man?

No.

It's because I thought you were brave.

You've lived this
incredibly pampered life,

but you walked away from it all.

To take a chance on us.

Charlie...

this city is magic!



And so am I.

Do you wanna be a part
of that magic or not?

I do.

Very, very much.

If Sophie can walk across
this bridge totally alone

and Sid can have

a good attitude about
his fiancée ditching him,

and you two can try to make your...

completely doomed relationship work...

- Hey!
- JESSE: Ellen!

...then I can stop
obsessing over my divorce

and ask a woman out to divorce!

To divorce. To dinner! Dammit!

You'll get there.



This is good for Soph. She needed this.

What? She's gonna be fine. She's
got her parents' magic love story

to keep her stupidly optimistic.

- Magic love story?
- Yeah.

Sophie's mom is a party girl

who bounces around from
boyfriend to boyfriend.

Her dad wasn't even in the picture.

The only thing magical
about Sophie's life

is that she still
believes in love at all.

How have I never walked
this bridge before?

- VALENTINA: I told you!
- [cheering]

- Whoo!
- Now, we're talking!

Listen, what are we gonna do
for dinner? Because it's late...

[overlapping chatter]

Thanks for having us
over for drinks, guys!

Yeah, of course. I mean,

hot engagement sex,

- rinks with total strangers...
- [keys rattling]

Two equally good things.

Wow. Love your place!

Thanks. It was a total score.

We got it from this old married couple

who posted it on the
Wesleyan Alumni Group.

We even got them to leave their swords.

Wow. Nice touch. [laughs]

[quiet chatter]

FUTURE SOPHIE: So, that's it.

That's the night I met your father.

[Sooner Or Later by
The Grass Roots playng]

[inaudible]

SOPHIE'S SON: But you guys
didn't even get together.

Get together? Oh!

That's a much longer story.

Now, where was I?

Where'd I put that bottle of wine?

♪ Sooner or later, love is gonna get you ♪

♪ Sooner or later, girl,
you've got to give in ♪

♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna let you ♪

♪ Sooner or later, love is gonna win ♪

♪ It's just a matter of time ♪

♪ Before you make up your mind ♪

♪ To give all that love
that you've been hiding ♪

♪ It's just a question of when ♪

♪ I've told you time and again ♪

♪ I get all the love
you've been denying ♪

♪ Sooner or later, love
is gonna get you... ♪
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