07x12 - Archie's Secret Passion

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ I am calling you ♪

♪ Will you answer to me? ♪

♪ How about a beer? ♪

Oh, Archie! You're home!

Oh, geez, Edith.

Oh, all right. Just give
me a quick kiss, Edith.

You ain't washin' a car.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, guess what? I got the
most wonderful surprise for ya!

I found it, Ma.

Oh, is this it?

Well, I ain't jumpin' for joy.

What are you doin' with my rake?

Well, I was just gonna borrow it
to rake the leaves from my tree.

What am I supposed to do
when the leaves fall off of my tree?

You don't have any
leaves, your tree's dead.

Get away from me.

Let me tell you
about my surprise.

I was in Ferguson's Market
today, and guess what happened?

I'm too tired to listen, Edith.

I was standing at the checkout
counter fillin' out my entry blank,

on account of Mr. Ferguson
has this contest.

And every time you buy
$ worth of groceries,

you get another chance to enter.

What's the prize?

Don't egg her on,
will ya, Meathead?

The first prize is one of
them new showerheads

that gives ya a massage.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

When I take a shower, I want it
to wash me, not give me a feel.

Well, anyway, I'm standin' there

and this man is
standin' behind me.

And all of a sudden,
he says, "Edith Baines!"

Well, I turn around
to him and I says,

"I used to be Edith Baines,
but now I'm Edith Bunker."

[CHUCKLES]

And he said, "I went to
school with Edith Baines,

and I was brought up
with an Archie Bunker."

So I says, "Isn't
it a small world?

"I used to be Edith Baines,

and now I'm Mrs. Archie Bunker."

And then I recognized him.

Guess who it was.

I don't give a damn.

Oh, you better, 'cause I
invited him to dinner tonight.

You what?

I invited him to dinner.

You invited him to dinner?

Why do you do these things?

You know I hate
people in the house!

Can't you behave like
the rest of the world

and be a little normal when
you run into an old friend?

Don't you know what
you're supposed to do?
: : , --] : : ,
You're supposed to say,
"Hello, how nice it is to see ya.

We must make a date to meet
each other some time again."

And then forget it!

Oh, Archie, it was
Bummie Fensel.

Bummie Fensel?

Yeah!

Well, why didn't you
say so? Bummie Fensel.

What's a Bummie Fensel?

A Bummie Fensel is
a person, Meathead.

And a very
remarkable person, too.

You should of knew
him when he was a kid.

All us kids in the neighborhood,

we'd all chip in and get money.

And we'd pay Bummie
just to see him eat.

He'd eat anything for money.

What do you mean "anything"?

Well, not like you
cleaning out an icebox.

He'd eat interesting things.

He'd eat paper,
cardboard, and insects.

Yeah, sometimes we used
to call him "Bugs Bummie."

[ALL LAUGH]

That's right. We'd pay
him a nickel, he'd eat a fly.

For a dime, he'd
eat a short worm.

Yeah, when he said he
had butterflies in his stomach,

he really did. Yeah!

Aw, gee, it'll be good to
see old Bummie again.

I'm glad you invited
him over, Edith.

And he's bringin' his wife.

Yeah, good.

Guess who he married.

A praying mantis?

No, Dolores Manchini.

Course now it's Dolores Fensel.

Uh, hey, Edith.

Maybe we shouldn't invite
'em over here tonight, huh?

Because, lookin' at the TV guide,
you know what I'm reminded of?

You know what's on here tonight?

The Korean midget wrestlers.

They're wrestli" in the finals.

They're wrestlin' in mud.

Oh, Archie, I
already invited them.

Well, I know, but, Edith...
What are you gonna feed 'em?

Run down to the live bait store.

Oh, no. We got chicken.

Oh, Edith, Edith,
come here a minute.

Come here a minute.
Listen, do me a big favor, huh?

Get on the blower
here and call 'em up

and kinda disinvite 'em, huh?

Oh, I couldn't do that, Archie.

I don't know their
number, anyway.

They'll be here any minute.

Wait a minute. Wait...
wait a minute, will you?!

Edith, all right, but do I
really have to be here?

Oh, Archie, it's nice
to see old friends.

It'll be fun. [CHUCKLES]

Don't worry.

Fun?

Holy cow, Dolores...

What are you lookin' at?

I don't understand you,
Arch. What's with you?

What do you mean,
what's with me?

You were all excited when you
heard Bummie was comin' over,

until you heard he was
bringin' his wife, too.

Dolores Manchini don't mean
nothin' to me and never did!

You knew her in
high school, huh?

Aw, geez.

I knew her barely, I
mean I barely knew her.

You know what I mean.

Ya had a thing for her, huh?

Aw, come on.

Before you met Ma?

Listen, you. Come here.

I might need your help tonight,

so I gotta tell you something
very personal. Archie!

Joe Louis was the greatest
heavyweight that ever walked into a ring!

What do you think Bummie
will like with his chicken?

Potatoes or spaghetti?

Give him the spaghetti, he
likes anything that squirms.

This girl Dolores, when
we was in high school,

she had a very big thing
for me, you understand?

She really had the hots for me.

She'd have took
me over Errol Flynn.

What are you sayin'
that for? It's possible.

I ain't tellin' ya I was the
greatest lookin' guy in school,

but I was at least
in the top ten.

Don't say that no more!

Now, listen.

This whole thing
started way back there.

It was a school picnic, see?

And all the kids, we went
out to this Hanley Park.

And it was gettin' dark, and
Dolores and me, we took a walk.

We went into the ballpark, see?

And we walked across there,
and we got to the dugout.

Into the dugout, right?

All right, there we are. The
two of us all alone and, well...

We was imminent together.

You mean you and she...

Don't do a thing like that!

But there's an important
thing you gotta understand.

I didn't ask her for nothin'.

It was her that reduced me.

Yeah, I... I just
can't believe it.

Why not?

Well, no, it's not
that I can't believe it.

It's just that I always find it
hard to picture you in bed.

Why?

I... I... I don't mean in bed.

I mean... in bed.

Don't do that no more!

Why? What, do you think
that you invented this here?

This was around a
long time before you.

That's how you happened
to be born, ya dope, ya.

Now, listen. After that
big night with Dolores, see,

she couldn't keep away from me.

After me the whole time,
because it's like, you know,

when you give honey to a bear.

After that, they'd
k*ll for more, huh?

So then when
Edith got back, see...

Hold it, hold it. I
gotta check on Edith.

Stay there. Stay
there! Stay there!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Edith. Uh, hey, Edith.
: : , --] : : ,
Yeah?

What are you doin' here?

I'm fixin' the chicken.

Over there?

Yeah.

Stay there.

Arch, what do you mean
"when Edith got back"?

You mean to tell me that you
were foolin' around with Dolores

at the same time you
were goin' with Ma? Shh.

No. No, not at the same time.

Edith was out of town.

Some rotten person tryin'
to break the two of us up

took her away to Atlantic City.

What rotten person?

Her mother.

So because Ma was out
of town for one weekend

you couldn't go a whole
weekend without another woman?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I wasn't doin'
nothin' with Edith.

Let me tell you somethin'.

I didn't touch Edith till
after we was married.

But you touched Dolores.

Oh, well...
Certainly, certainly.

But then I wasn't
gonna marry Dolores.

You don't marry a girl unless
you have respect for her.

And who could respect a girl who
would do a thing like that with me?

That is... that is
so terrible, Arch!

That's the double standard!

Nothin' double about
it, we done it once!

Once.

What I'm saying...

If it was wrong for her, then
it was wrong for you, too.

No, it wasn't,
stupid, I'm a man.

Men have got another thing.

They got... what do you
call it? Carnival instinct there.

Women ain't got that.

Let me ask you somethin'.

Did you ever hear
of chromostones?

No, I can't say
that I have, Arch.

All right.

Well, keep your mouth shut,
maybe you'll learn somethin'.

Chromostones is
little chemical things

floatin' around the
bloodstream of a man.

Them is the things that
make a man need sex more.

But, uh, women don't
have chromostones?

That's why they're
women, dumbbell.

When I think of all the
guilt, fears, and hang-ups

that were caused by
just what you're sayin',

it's a wonder that any woman
can have sex today and enjoy it.

She ain't supposed to enjoy it,
she's supposed to sit still for it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

That must be them at the door.

Now, listen, this is
how you gotta help me.

You go over there
and get Gloria.

And the two of you
come back for dinner.

Oh, no, no... Yes,
that's what you gotta do.

And steer that conversation.

The minute Dolores starts to talk
about the old days or about sex,

you start talkin' about
Watergate, you grate on that.

I'm not gettin' involved!

Wait, wait, wait!

I'm not gettin' involved!
: : , --] : : ,
Supposed Edith finds
out about Dolores here.
: : , --] : : ,
How's she gonna find out?
: : , --] : : ,
By women's intermission!
: : , --] : : ,
I'm not gettin' involved!
: : , --] : : ,
Hey, wait a minute!
That's it, Arch.
: : , --] : : ,
[DOORBELL RINGS]
: : , --] : : ,
See ya later, Ma.
Have a nice dinner.
: : , --] : : ,
Wait a minute!
Hey! So long, Arch.
: : , --] : : ,
Give me back my rake!
: : , --] : : ,
[DOORBELL RINGS]
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, there they are!
Yeah, I know, I know.
: : , --] : : ,
Wait, I'll get it. I'll
get it. I'll get it, Edith.
: : , --] : : ,
Ooh!
: : , --] : : ,
Will you let me out the door?!
: : , --] : : ,
I said I'd get it.
Yeah, oh, all right.
: : , --] : : ,
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
: : , --] : : ,
No, maybe you better get it.
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, all right. Yeah.
No, no, no, wait!
: : , --] : : ,
They're waiting! Yeah,
go ahead, go ahead.
: : , --] : : ,
I'm coming!
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, hello, Bummie! Hiya, Edith!
: : , --] : : ,
Come on in.
: : , --] : : ,
Hiya there, Bummie! There he is!
: : , --] : : ,
Hey, Bummie, how are
ya? Hey, Archie, how are ya?
: : , --] : : ,
Geez, are you lookin'
good! You are lookin' terrific!
: : , --] : : ,
Hey, you remember Dolores!
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, no, no, no.
: : , --] : : ,
Ugh! Sure you do, Archie!
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, yea... oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
: : , --] : : ,
It's been a long time!
: : , --] : : ,
And have we got
a lot to talk about!
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, we sure do!
: : , --] : : ,
Don't we, Archie?

♪ ...high school ♪

♪ With your heart so big ♪

♪ Bum bum-bum bum bum bum ♪

♪ Would we lay our
lives down for you? ♪

♪ We should hope to kiss a pig ♪

Tony Orlando and Dingbat.

Come on, Archie, you're
not joining in the fun.

Don't you remember
our school song?

I don't remember that. You know, I got
no memory of them days at all, you know?

Ever since the w*r,
everything's a blur.

Gosh, you don't remember
all the fun we had?

I was never at a
picnic in my life.

Dolores, I think
I'll wash the dishes.

Would you help me? Sure I will.

You wash and I'll dry.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't go away!

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Hey, Bummie. Yeah?

Just for old times sake,
if I went up to the bathtub

and caught a thousand-legger,
would you eat it?

Archie, I was years
old. I don't do that no more.
: : , --] : : ,
Oh, come on, come
on. Tell the truth.

When was the last
time you ate a bug?

December th, .

What kind was it?

A Japanese beetle.

Yah.

Oh.

Uh, another thing I
wanna ask you, Bummie,

is, uh... you and Dolores,

you know, when you're all alone

and you're talkin', like, in
your privates, you know,

does Dolores do a lot of
recollectin' about the past?

It's a funny thing, Archie.

All the recollectin' she
does is about the past.

She's got a lot to recollect.

Oh, yeah.

She had a lot of friends.

She was the most popular
girl in the junior class.

She was voted that.

She deserved that.

Was Archie wounded in the w*r?

Oh, yeah. Why?

He doesn't seem to
remember anything.
: : , --] : : ,
He got a Purple Heart for
getting a piece of shrapnel in his...

in his... [GIGGLES]

His butt?

Oh, yeah. [GIGGLES]

How would that
affect his memory?

Yes, I think there's certain things
that he don't wanna remember.

Edith, you're using
Lemon Pledge on that pan.

Ohh! My goodness.

You have something on your mind?

Something on my mind? Never.

Ain't it funny the way people

sort of go separate
ways after graduation?

Yeah. Whoever thought
I'd marry Bummie Fensel?

Yeah.

I'm glad to see
you're so happy, Edith.

Oh, thank you.

You know, we were two
different kinds of girls.

What do you mean by
"different kinds of girls"?

Well, when we were in
high school, you know,

there were the girls who
did and the girls who didn't.

Oh.

You didn't?

No.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

I didn't think you did.

Did you think I did?

Well, I didn't think you didn't.

Well, uh...

Dolores, I... I want
to ask you somethin'.

You see, there was
somethin' on your mind.

Oh, no, it ain't much.

It's just, well, you see,

one weekend, my mother
took me to Atlantic City,

and, uh, when I got back,
Alma Simpson told me that

you and Archie was
with the other kids

at a picnic in Hanley Park.

Me and Archie?
: : , --] : : ,
Yeah.

At a picnic?

Mm.

Me and Archie? Yeah.

Gee, I don't remember that.

What happened?

Oh, well, uh, she
told me that it got dark,

and they ran out of weenies.

And Archie bought... Archie
bought you a fudgesicle.

And then the two of you
took a long walk together

to find a place to
throw the wrapper.

And you found a place.

We did?

Where?

At the baseball field.

In the dugout.

In the dugout?

Was that Archie?!

You don't remember?

Well, who can remember
seconds out of a lifetime?

[LAUGHING]
: : , --] : : ,
Oh!

Oh, Edith!

Edith, I hope you're not hurt.

Oh, I feel terrible! Oh, no!

Oh, I hope you'll forgive me!

Oh, I ain't hurt!

My goodness, it was so long ago.

There ain't nothi" to forgive.

You didn't know
what you was doin'.

Or who you was doin' it with.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that's it then, huh?

Oh, it's been a great evening,
but I gotta get up early.

You know, the early
bird catches the worm.

Watch it, Archie.

Oh, it was so good
to see you, Edith!

We must do this again!

Edith, Edith, Edith.

Oh, yeah. We must make a date

to see each other soon again.

Terrific, Edith, terrific.

It was wonderful!

And, Edith, you're
a swell person.

You really are. Oh,
it was my pleasure.

Good-bye, Dolores.
Bye, Bummie. Bye-bye.

Come back again!
Good-bye, Edith.

Where's your car, Bummie?

Oh, I had to park
it down the block.

Why don't you stay
here, honey, I'll go get it.

Good-bye, Archie.

Yeah, yeah. So
long there, old sport.

Nice to see ya.

It was a nice evening, Archie.

So good to see you again.

Oh, yeah, well,
likewise, Dolores.

Brings back so many memories.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

Uh, hey, listen.

Uh, come here a minute.

I just wanna...
Uh, before you go,

I wanna thank you for not
sayin' nothin' about, uh...

Well, you know.

No, about what?

Well, about long ago. You
know, that certain night.

[CHUCKLING] Oh!

You mean the picnic. Yeah.

At Hanley Park. Yeah.

Yeah, you bought
me a fudgesicle.

Hey, that's right!

And we couldn't find a
place to throw the wrapper.

Yeah, that's right!

So we took a
walk... to the dugout.

Yeah, the dugout.
: : , --] : : ,
You remember all
the details of that, huh?

So, uh, I must have
got to you there, huh?

Archie, how could
I ever forget you?

Well, I knew you couldn't.

Back in them days, uh,

I must have really
been somethin', huh?

Oh, Archie, you
were somethin' else.

Thanks, Archie, for
a wonderful evening.

And a wonderful memory.

[HORN HONKS]

Take care of yourself, Archie.

Bye!

[HUMMING]

♪ I love the kisses on the... ♪

[HUMMING]

Well, Edith, they're gone.

Ain't they a nice couple?

Oh, yeah, they're
a terrific couple.

And you was right, Edith.

It's a lot of fun to have
old friends over for dinner.

Especially when
they're old sweethearts.

What do you mean by that?

You and Dolores.

Uh... me and Dolores what?

You and Dolores at the picnic.

All right.

Uh, wait... wait
a minute, Edith.

Uh... what picnic was that?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Archie.

I know all about it.

Dolores told you, huh?

Oh, no, we was just
talkin' over old times,
: : , --] : : ,
and it came out.

Listen, Edith,
I... I wanna just...

Can I hold your hand?

Oh, sure.

Ahh.

Now, I just want
you to keep calm,

get ahold of yourself, and please
don't go to pieces on me, huh, Edith?

All right, Archie.

I just want you to know
that what happened long ago,

that didn't have nothing
to do between you and me.

Oh, I know that.

I wasn't even around.
I was in Atlantic City.

Yeah, that's
right... That's right.

You was in Atlantic City, Edith,

and that's the
reason it happened.

'Cause I was here in New York,
I was all alone there, you know?

And there's times when men gets
these here... what do you call... surges.

All them... the chromostones
boil over, you know?

You understand me?

No, but it's all right.

Well, all I want you
to know is, Edith,

that no matter what ever
happened back in them days,

that I always loved you.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, geez, don't
go to pieces on me!

Oh, I ain't goin' to pieces.

I'm glad you got
it off your chest.

And that's it?

That's it.

Oh, Edith. [CHUCKLING]

Oh, Edith, you're one girl
in a million, you know that?

And you're a terrific wife.

Oh, you're a terrific
husband. Yeah.

You know, lot's of ladies

would be here meltin' in tears.

But not you, huh?

No.

Why not?

Well, I figure that
what you done

before we was married
is your business.

Absolutely.

Just like what I done

before we was married
was my business.

Absolutely.

♪♪

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was
recorded on tape before a live audience.