07x13 - The Baby Contest

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

You're nuts, Barney. I done
a lot of readin' on the subject.

Man of w*r is the greatest
nag ever ran on four legs.

And I'm tellin' you
Secretariat could take him

carryin' Seabiscuit on his back.

Depends on the jock.

You put Willie
the Shoe on any...

Hi, guys, how are ya?

Oh, hi, Arch. Hi, Arch.

Hiya, Barney, how ya doin'?

Hey, Harry, come on,
beer, huh? Yeah, comin' up.

I'm tellin' ya, Barney,
you put Willie Shoemaker

on any horse that's livin'...

I'm talking about
Willie Shoemaker!

He's two foot, two inches.

Willie Shoemaker?
Ah, he ain't that small.

Where are ya, Barney?

I'm talkin' about my
little grandson Joey here.

Arch, the world ain't interested

in the daily update on
your grandson's height.

He sprang up a half an
inch in the last three weeks.

If you're talking
about a great horse,

you're talking about Man of
w*r. This kid is strong, too,

puttin' on weight
every single day.

Secretariat was a
good horse, too, but...

The other day I slipped
him on the scale, see,

and with a full diaper
he's pounds.

You figure you clean the kid up,

he's still gotta be , huh?

Look at this smile. See that?

Boy, that's what
you call personality.

When he grows up and
he gets teeth in that smile,

he could have a
career in politics.

Jeez, the dopey
Democrats'll give him anything.

And, Barney, is he smart...

Look, Arch, we're pals, right?

We're lodge brothers? Yeah.

So I listen when you tell me

how you're the greatest
cabbie in Queens,

how you lift all them
heavy crates down at work,

and ain't never got a hernia.

That's all true, Barney.

Yeah, okay, now it's settled

that your grandson
is the greatest,

so can we move on to
more important topics?

I mean, like if you go over
to the bar and drink your beer,

I'll pay for it.

Okay, Barney, you're on.

Any time you wanna buy a beer.

HARRY: Now let me
straighten you out about...

But, listen, I wanna
tell ya one more thing.

Now, Barney, you
know, let me tell you this...

You're right about me,

the way I talk too
much about little Joey,

but, listen, honest
to God, fellas,

look at that kid.

Now ain't that the cutest
lookin' one-years-old

anywheres around?

I've had it with you.

Do you wanna see the cutest

one-years-old
grandchild in the world?

Then lamp my little Linda there.

Oh, Barney, Barney, Barney,

you took a picture of
the naked child there?

And you flash that
around in a men's bar?

Listen, Arch, if you
had a body like that,

you wouldn't wanna
cover it up, either.

Nice, pudgy little cheeks there.

Yeah, all four of 'em.

Barney, I gotta tell
you the truth there.

I think she's a little
too plump there.

She's been hittin'
the Oreos lately?

Oh, yeah? Well, it looks to me

like Joey's a little
on the skinny side.

He ain't been sick, has he?

Oh, come on, will ya?

If you was as
healthy as this kid,

your doctor'd be
in the poorhouse.

He'd be the only
doctor in the poorhouse.

Let's hear it for the
medical profession.

[EACH BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Now, listen, I want
you to take a look

at that high forehead
there on Linda.

Do you know what that means?

Intelligence, yeah,
everybody knows that, Barney.

Joey's got a high forehead, too.

Joey's bald.

Don't say that, Barney.

He ain't bald. He just
ain't got too much hair.

That's what I say.
He's got too much face.

What do you mean by that?

I mean don't ever set
him on a pool table, Arch,

'cause someone might

sh**t him into
the corner pocket.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Now, I ain't gonna
stand for that.

Ah, take it easy, Arch.

What do you
mean, "take it easy"?

This guy just stepped
across the chalk-line here.

Oh, is that so? Says who?

Says me.

Says you? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Hey, listen, Barney,

you know, the tone of
voice of that last "yeah"

could lose you an
old friendship, see?

It could lose you a
little bridgework, too.

Ah, come on, this is the
stupidest thing I ever seen,

two old buddies fightin' about

who's got the
best-lookin' grandchild.

I ain't fightin' about nothin'.

I know who's got the most
beautifulest grandchild here.

Anybody would
say the same thing.

You go out, you ask
any out of people

off the streets of New
York and see what they say,

barring the South Bronx
where no English is spoke...

They say the same thing as me!

Oh, yeah? Well, I can
prove that my little girl

is the most beautiful,
because she's entered

in the beautiful baby contest
in the Flushing Tribune.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, uh, suppose
I was to tell you

that little Joey is entered
into the same contest.

Since when?

Since, uh, tomorrow.

Ha, I got ya, it's too late.

The contest is closed tomorrow.

No it ain't. No
it ain't too late.

Listen, Hank Pivnik
knows them people

on that Flushing Tribune,

and we can make a
phone call and get little Joey

in under the wire there, buddy.

Well, I hope you can, pal.

You know why?
Because then it'll prove

beyond a shadow of a doubt

who's got the
most beautiful baby.

Why don't you put your money
where your big mouth is, huh?

I'll bet you anything
you wanna bet.

Money, come on.
I'll bet you $ , .

All right, you're on.

Uh, let's make it $ .

Don't talk crazy. Say ten.

That's a bet!

You got it! Put 'er there!

I want you here with the green.

I'll be here. I don't wanna
have to go to Hauser Street.

You don't have
to worry about me.

I'll be back here with my money.

You just remember, you better
be back here with your money

to pay off the bet!

Hey, Arch, he's gone.

Get out of here,
Barney, or I'll belt ya!

EDITH: Come on,
now, just a few more.

Smile for Grandpa.

But first fluff up his hair a
little bit there, huh, Edith?

Make it look like
he's got more, huh?

Here you are. There.
Ain't that a shame?

Well, they can't blame
you and me for that, Edith.

You're gonna win
the Flushing Tribune

beautiful baby contest,

so smile again
for Grandpa. Look!

D-Don't do that. That ain't
gonna get a child to smile.

You'll make him
scream with that stuff.

Focus the camera
here. All right.

Okay now.

There's Joey. Hi,
Joey, look this way.

Now, don't move, don't move.

[SHUTTER CLICKS] I got him.

Perfect. There's not a
movement on him there.

Oh, wait a minute.
I ain't so sure.

Oh, yes, there is!

Oh, Edith, get him
out of the area, huh?

Oh.

I'll never figure that kid out.

He takes on three meals a day,

and he leaves off five.

Now, come on and
kiss Grandpa goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Not now, huh, Edith there?

It burns my eyes.

♪ Who's my little hoosie? ♪

♪ Who's my turtle-dove? ♪

BOTH: ♪ Who's
my little hoosie? ♪

♪ Who do you love? ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba... ♪

Hello, is that the
Flushing Tribune there?

Uh, yes, could I
speak to the individual

who's in charge of the
beautiful baby contest please?

Ma, I brought you
over an apple pie.

What happened? There's
only half a pie here.

You shouldn't have
left me alone with it.

Shush over here, will ya?

I'm on the horn.

Your mother's upstairs
changing the child.

Hey, honey, look at all
these new pictures of Joey.

Now, leave them alone.
Leave them alone, now.

Hello, hello?

Uh, a friend of
mine, Hank Pivnik

told me to call up and ask
for a Harley Benson there.

Oh, are you Harley?

Yeah, well, it's about the
beautiful baby contest...

What do you mean
you're gonna print

the winning picture
in the paper?

How you gonna do that

when I got the winning
picture with me? Huh?

Yeah, well, that's what I
mean, if there's still time.

Yeah, I can get over
there in an hour, sure.

Hop on a Northern Boulevard bus.

I'll be right over there.

Hey, hey, Harley,
hold the presses, huh?

Thank you. Yeah.

Hey, Arch, what is this?

"Entry form. Beautiful
baby contest"?

None of your business,
none of your business here.

Arch, you're not entering my son

in some silly sweepstakes

to prove who's got
the most dimples.

And why not?

Daddy, you know how
we feel about contests.

Oh, "how you feel."

How is it young marrieds today

have to sit down and decide

how they feel about
everything, huh?

What do you got
against your little son

being selected the most
beautiful baby in Queens?

Daddy, we already
know he's beautiful.

We don't need a blue ribbon
pinned on his little tush to prove it.

Besides, he's only a year old.

That's my whole point. He's been
here a year, he ain't won nothin' yet.

Yeah, he's been layin'
around for a whole year,

instead of out
lookin' for a job.

Uh, let me ask you
somethin', Meathead.

How is it that certain people
with a college education

turn out to be so ignorant?

Now, I'm not
mentioning any names.

I'll just look at the
party and whistle.

[WHISTLES]

Don't you know that
we had competition

in mankind since back
time im... immoral there?

Back when the Christians
is fighting the lions?

You call that competition?

You're damn right, and a
tough competition it was, too.

Compe... That's where
they get the expression,

the sudden-death overtime.

Daddy, if it's
important for Joey

to be a winner at something,

the least important
victory is how he looks.

She's right, Arch.

She is wrong!

And I like these things.

I like all kinds of contests.

I like beauty contests.

I love the Miss America contest.

Ah, beauty contests
are the silliest of all.

♪ Oh, there she is ♪

♪ Miss America ♪

Stop that, you.

Boy, you have sank
to a pretty new low...

Running down one of our
sacredest national traditions.

Boy, I wanna tell ya...

And if it wasn't
for Miss America,

Atlantic City could
be sold to Cuba.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the moment you've
all been waiting for!

The decision of
the judges is in,

and we are about to announce
the new Miss America!

[SQUEALS]

Ladies and
gentlemen, here she is,

the former Miss
Cotton Maid of Alabama,

the former Miss
Potato Maid of Idaho,

and the former Miss
Minute Maid of Florida.

Here she is, the
new Miss America,

Miss Billie Joe Boobs!

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] This is
the happiest moment of my life.

I accept this prestigious award

on behalf of my
overpowering beauty,

and for all you losers,

tough you-know-whattie.

And now, to prove that I
am more than just gorgeous,

for my talent selection,

I have chosen the
"William Tell Overture,"

which I shall play with
my ten tiny little fingers

on my prize-winning face.

[PLAYS OVERTURE]

EDITH: Archie!

And here is last
year's Miss America,

fresh from her worldwide tour

selling charm, the
American dream,

and one ton of depilatory cream.

Her Majesty speaks.

Have you seen the air-freshener?

No, but we could use
a little of it down here.

Oh, Gloria, you look so funny.

What are ya doin'?

She's doin' her best to run down

everything that's
fine and American.

Oh, Daddy, we just
don't want Joey competing

like a prize rooster
at the county fair.

Listen, little girl, I got
some news for you,

and you, too, Meathead...

This ain't no
competition at all,

'cause Joey's gonna
win this thing hands down

over all them
other little babies,

and particularly Barney Hefner's

little granddaughter Linda.

Oh, so that's the only
reason you're doing this.

You wanna rub your good
friend Barney's nose in the dirt.

I don't care where
Barney's nose goes,

as long as his dough
goes into my pocket,

and therefore these pictures
goes to the Flushing Tribune.

Wrong. You're gonna
have to send the paper

a reasonable facsimile,

'cause I'm takin' these.

Uh, my property there, Meathead.

Gloria, go get Joey, and
let's get him out of here.

You'll get the pictures
back after the contest.

But, wait, you don't care if I
win a $ bet with Barney, huh?

No, I don't, Arch. In the words of
our newly-crowned Miss America,

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"tough you-know-whattie."

Hey, Meathead, you
forgot somethin' there.

What? [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Okay.

With that fanfare,
Edith, I'm off to Flushing.

Archie, Mike and Gloria

don't want Joey in the contest.

You got no right to put him in.

Oh, no? Why not?

Well, you shouldn't go
against the parent's wishes.

Talkin' about? You done
that when you married me,

and everything turned
out swell, didn't it?

Why do you always hesitate
over them kinda questions?

No, I ain't thinkin' about that.

I'm thinkin' about the contest.

I'm glad Mike took them
pictures away from ya.

Oh, Edith, so am I.

I'm glad he got all
of them pictures,

as long as he left
me with the winner.

Oh, give me that
picture. Ah, no, no.

Oh, no, Edith. You
ain't gettin' that picture.

Now, stop, stop. Now,
don't be silly, will you?

Ed... Edith!

Edith, for God sakes,

the neighbors'll think
you're a wild woman.

My vote for most
beautiful baby is...

Baby Joey. Signed...

Well, let's see who
the hell we got here.

All these Cohens.
Jeez, look at this.

There's a million Cohens
here. They own New York.

Well, now, let's see.

Cohen, Albert, attorney at law.

What the hell? Sue me, Al.

Archie! Joey
got into the finals!

That was hot news
this morning, Edith.

Well, I got lots of
papers, and I'm gonna

send his picture
to all the relatives.

Do you have to do that?

Do you have to
remind your relatives

that we're still alive?

Oh, they're gonna love it,

and maybe they'll
all vote for Joey.

They can't vote, Edith!

Your relatives all
live over in Jersey

with all the other people

who don't care
nothing about life.

Just help me out here.

Take this scissors,
take this pile of papers,

and cut out these voting blanks

here for me, that's all.

Archie, you're only
supposed to vote once!

I only voted once,

and all these people here
are entitled to vote once.

Archie, that's cheatin'!

But how am I supposed
to protect myself

from a dishonest guy
like Barney Hefner?

Archie, you ought to let our
friends send in their own votes!

Edith, never trust a friend.

Sybil Gouley says she's
gonna send in her vote for Joey.

Please tell her to send in
a different name, will ya?

I already sent
her vote in there.

I already sent in a
vote, too, for her mother,

old lady McGuire,
who had the stroke.

Archie, that poor old woman
has been dead for years.

You knew that. You
went to her funeral.

Edith, I couldn't swear to that.

I never checked the box.

Where is he? I'm sick
and tired of you meddling

in how I raise my son!

First you sneak
him off to church...

You have him baptized, then
you give him a g*n for his birthday!

Now, without
anybody's permission,

you got his face plastered
on every doorstep in Queens

in a stupid baby contest!

Ooh, well, bless my soul.

Edith, I do believe your
big-mouthed son-in-law

is payin' you a visit.

Oh, Mike, please don't be mad.

Archie didn't mean no harm.

He just wants Joey
to win, that's all.

He wants him to win, too,
he don't want to admit it.

You see, Joey wins that contest,

he'll have his chest puffed out

bigger than "Raquel Walsh."

And the prize is a $ bond.

Yes, $ set
aside for little Joey

for a fine thing.

Yeah, his education.

For bowling equipment, Edith.

Wait a second, wait a second.

What do you got here?
"Judge Vanderbart?"

That's right.

You put down Judge
Vanderbart's name? Why not?

Arch, you can't have him vote...

Don't tell me nothin', will you?

I voted for Judge
Vanderbart, didn't I?

So now it's time for Judge
Vanderbart to vote for us.

I don't know what
I'm doin' here,

talkin' to a man who
in the last election

didn't like Ford, That's right.

Didn't like Carter, Right.

So he wrote in "Richard Nixon."

Damn right.

Do whatever you want, Arch.

Do whatever you
want. I don't care!

Live with that,
buddy! Live with that!

Archie, did you really
write in "Richard Nixon"?

I just tell him that
to drive him nuts.

You wanna know the
truth? I wrote in "Reagan."

"My vote is for baby Joey,

Signed Gloria Stivic."

Oh, boy.

Hi, honey.

I just came from
your father's. Hmm.

Can you fix me something
to calm my nerves?

You mean you want a drink?

No, a sandwich.

Oh, well, I'll fix
you one later.

Gloria, wait a minute.
What are you doing here?

I thought we decided
against baby contests.

Well, yeah, we did,

but have you seen
this picture of Joey?

I know what my son looks like.

Honey, look, there's
no comparison.

I mean, these
other kids are cute,

but Joey's beautiful.

Gloria, that's not the point.

I have to vote for
him. I'm his mother!

And even if I wasn't his mother,

I'd still vote for him over
these other four yucky kids.

You know, you're the
only girl in the world

that's got an umbilical
cord attached to her father.

Case closed.

You don't want Joey to win.

Oh, well then, who
do I want to win?

Joey's mother.

Me?

Sure. I can hear it
in the supermarket...

"Aren't you the lady

whose baby won
the beauty contest?"

"Yes, and he's got my looks!

Isn't he beautiful?!"

It's ridiculous.

All right, but let me ask
you one question, Michael.

How are you gonna feel

if Joey loses by just one vote?

One vote?

Yeah, yours.

Hey, Hank, why don't you
call your friend at the Tribune,

see if you can get some
information on how the voting's going?

Yeah, do that, huh?
He said he'd call us

as soon as the
ballots are counted.

Yeah, but when's
that gonna happen?

Oh, hi, professor.

Oh, you got The Flushing
Tribune there, huh?

That's right. How's the
baby contest comin'?

Oh, just kinda curious.

Oh, we know you're curious.

You're here because you know
we're gettin' the results here.

All right, all
right, he's my son,

my flesh and blood.

Yeah, thank God
he ain't got your face.

BARNEY: Hey, throw
me a beer, will ya, Harry?

Oh, Barney. Oh,
look at this guy.

Down here to drown
your sorrows, Arch?

Oh, no. No, no,

I'm here to make sure
I get my ten simoleons

out of you when I win that bet,

'cause your baby
Linda ain't gonna win.

She's too fat to win.

Few years time, she's
gonna be a teenage bus.

Well, all I gotta say is,

it's too bad it wasn't
a baldy contest.

Oh, you hear that?

He's always on the
baldy thing over here.

You're gonna lose an old friend

that way, Barney.

See? That's competition for ya.

Two best friends

ready to bust each
other in the chops

over who's got the
most beautiful grandchild.

Hey, you know what
just occurred to me

about little Joey?

I mean, since he's got them
long, beautiful eyelashes,

you should have entered
him as a baldy girl.

You hear that?! Hey, watch
what you're saying there, Barney,

that's my son!

Yeah, that's his son.

You deserve a belt
in the jaw for that.

Who's gonna belt me?

The father here.

Go ahead, hit
him below the belt.

He's over the hill.

Hey, break it up.

Break it up. Between
the three of ya's,

I'm gonna lose my license.

[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, get the phone!

This could be the contest!

Hello? Yeah, Harley? Shh.

The finals are comin' in.

Who, who, who?

Yeah? Yeah? MIKE:
Come on, baby Joey.

Come on, Joey, you can do it!

Yeah? Come on, Joe!

Baby Joey?

He did it, Arch! He
did it! The winner?

And baby Linda?

A dead heat?

Two of them?

They was both disqualified.

Disqualified? What the hell for?

Too many phony votes.

Too many phony grandfathers.

What do you mean by that?

Baby Alexis wins.

ARCHIE: How could that happen?

MIKE: Thanks a lot, Arch.

You lost it for
Joey. It's your fault.

Don't tell me that. I
did not lose it for Joey.

Who asked you to come
down here, anyway?

And you're gonna get
Reagan in , wise guy!

And I know the answer to this!

I know the answer well!

Somebody around here's
been doin' a lot of cheatin'!

Me cheatin'? What
about you cheatin'?

One topic at a time, buddy.

Yeah, goodbye, Harley.

Well, Hank, how'd they find out?

Well, the boys
down at the Tribune

figured something was fishy.

Hey, Barney,

did you sign a vote with
Judge Vanderbart's name

for baby Linda?

Oh. Well, yeah, yeah,

the Judge is a fine man.

That's the dumbest
move you ever made.

I signed Judge
Vanderbart's name, too.

Well, how was I
supposed to know that?

Check with me, will you?

Well, youse both made a mistake.

Three weeks ago they
threw Judge Vanderbart in jail.

Oh, jail, oh. Jail?

Can you believe that?

Oh, yes, Barney,
I certainly can.

Listen, nowadays

we gotta face one
important fact of life...

All us Republicans ain't clean.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.