07x15 - The Draft Dodger

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ Oh, deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-lee-la-lee-la
lee la-la-la ♪

♪ You take Suzy,
I'll take Molly ♪

♪ How-dee doo-dee-doo
bah bum-bum-bum... ♪

Archie, you're back!
Was the store still open?

They're all open!

Silent night, holy night, best
night in the year to make a buck.

- Archie, go back...
- Huh?

- Go on, go back.
- What are you doing?

You're home. We're now up here.

- Ah, jeez, I think
I know what's comin'.
- [LAUGHS]

Happy mistletoe!

Oh...

Not bad, Edith.
What've you been eatin'?

I was tastin' the stuffing.

Yeah, let me see that again.

I think it could use
a little more thyme.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Come here. I wanna
show you what I got.

A little present for that
old joker Pinky Peterson.

I want him to have the
lovely home-cooked dinner,

you know, all the
joy of Christmas,

all that family feelin'
that he's missin'

since he's all alone in
the world, you know?

Oh, Archie, it was so sweet
of you to think of Pinky.

- Yeah. That way we get him
all warmed up, Edith.
- Yeah. Oh!

I'm gonna give him a... a
heart att*ck with this trick here.

- [EDITH LAUGHS]
- See?

Yeah, see that?

That's a little Santy
there, you see?

Now I'm gonna show
you how it works.

You take the battery
and you stick it in there

like this here,

and that starts Santy off, see?

EDITH: Oh!

And he does
this here... la-la...

Well, that's, uh...

It's a... it's a
little disgusting,

but you don't look at
that, see what I mean?

All you do is that you
squeeze Santy's tie,

and he does
something funny, see.

- [MOTOR WHIRRS]
- Oh, you're doing it wrong.

Wait a minute. Something's
wrong with it here.

- It needs... [GROANS] - Oh!

[LAUGHING] Archie!

He squirts water!

Yeah, I know, but
don't laugh, will ya?

Every time I get water on
me, I gotta go to the john!

- Oh...
- [DOORBELL CHIMES]

[LAUGHING] I'll get it!

- Merry Christmas!
- Oh, merry Christmas!

I'm looking for Mike Stivic.

- Oh, yeah,
he lives next door.
- Ah.

But he'll be here any minute.

- I'm his mother-in-law,
Edith Bunker.
- How do you do?

- Why don't you come in
and wait for him?
- Thank you.

Here, give me your coat.

Oh.

Are you a friend of Mike's?

Yes, ma'am. My name
is David Brewster.

Mike and I went to
high school together.

Oh, yeah, in Chicago!

Yes, ma'am.

Well, how is it we ain't
never met you before?

I've been living in Canada. I'm just
here for a few days for the holidays,

and I thought I'd surprise Mike.

- EDITH: Oh...
- MIKE: Ma!

Oh, there he is now! Come on!

EDITH: Uh, there's a
surprise here for you, Mike!

I brought these presents, Ma.

Gloria says she'll be
over in a few minutes.

- Here.
- I'll take 'em. Thank you.

Hi, Mike.

David Brewster.

Man, how are you?

- Oh, man,
it's good to see you.
- Good to see you, yeah!

You're looking great.

Yeah. Hey, uh, y-you
down here for good?

N-No, not yet.

Hey, look! Remember this?

[GERMAN ACCENT] Guten
Morgen, Dr. Beinhacher.

You sound effervescent.

[GERMAN ACCENT] Effervescent?

Did you ever know
me "vhen I effer vasn't"?

Stick out the hand so
the pulse I can ge-take-en.

Little bit lower there,
please. Thank you very much.

, , , ...

You was countin' up mein pulse?

No, I was countin' up your bill.

♪ Ya-ta ta-ta ta-ta
ya-ta ta-ta ta-ta ♪

What do you think, Ma?
How do you like the jokes?

Oh, yeah, I love 'em,

and I don't even
understand German.

EDITH: David, why don't you stay

and have Christmas
Eve dinner with us?

Hey, Dave, what do ya say?

I mean, if you're
not doing anything.

Yeah! That'd be great.
Thanks, Mrs. Bunker.

Good!

- [TIMER GOES OFF]
- Oh, there are my cookies!

Well, Mike, you make
David comfortable.

I gotta go or they'll burn up.

- Whoo!
- It's been
a long time, huh?

Oh, too long, Mike.

Hey, uh, aren't you
taking a big chance

coming down to the States?

Yeah, but, uh, it's
Christmas, you know?

Felt like it.

Yeah, how 'bout your folks?

Have you been able to see them?

No. The ol' man's
not ready for that yet.

Oh.

Ho ho ho, merry Christmas!

Honey, this is a friend
of mine, David Brewster.

Remember I told you about him?

Oh, yeah, David.

Hi, nice to meet you, Gloria.

Hi, nice to meet you.

I thought you were
supposed to stay in Canada.

This week I'm your
friendly fugitive from justice.

Hey, come on, come
on. Don't talk like that.

Well, put on a happy face. It's
Christmas Eve, and you're among friends.

There's no problem here.

ARCHIE: Oh, God, I
hate starch in my shirts.

Except one.

David, have you
met my father yet?

- No, not yet.
- You're in for a big treat.

Conservatively speaking,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, uh, look, maybe I'd
better clear out of here.

No, no, no. Dave,
don't be silly!

No, no, it's all right.

He's not gonna call
the FBI or anything.

We'll just, uh, steer
clear of any subjects

that might cause friction.

Like politics or
religion, sex...

books, movies... w*r,
peace, g*ns... Okay.

Grapes, lettuce...

- Maybe you'd better leave.
- Yeah.

No, no, no, I'm
kidding, I'm kidding.

- Are you sure?
- Everything's fine.

No, there's no
problem. Just sit down.

- We just won't say anything.
- Relax. Enjoy yourself.

ARCHIE: starched shirt, I
feel like I'm inside of a tin can.

Chinks must've invented starch

as a t*rture for
the white people.

Hey!

Ah, merry
Christmas, little Gloria!

Mm, merry Christmas, Daddy!

Step aside, eh?

Merry Christmas, Arch.

- Who the hell is this?
- Oh, uh...

That's an old friend of
mine, David Brewster.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, you don't look
like an old friend of his.

I beg your pardon?

Well, you ain't got a beard
down to your belly button,

and you ain't wearing
a t-shirt that says

"kiss me where it
counts" or nothin' like that.

Uh, I need my chair.

Oh, I'm sorry, is that... Oh,
I'm sorry. I was sitting in it.

Yeah, w-will you get out
from in front of it, huh?

Yeah.

Uh, where are you
from? Around here?

Oh, he's from out
of town, Daddy.

[GROANS] Where out of town?

- GLORIA: Up north.
- Just up...

Where up north?

Oh, well, a little
north of Niagara Falls.

Oh, what, up around
Rhode Island way, huh?

Yeah, somewhere
around there, Arch.

David!

Before dinner,

maybe you'd like
to wash your hands

or something?

Mike will show you where to go.

Oh, no, he ain't
having dinner here.

He's having Christmas
dinner with his family

in Rhode Island.

Oh, no, David's
having dinner with us.

Oh, come on, Edith.
How big is your bird?

Oh, almost pounds.

Oh... all right.

Okay. Well, all right.

Meathead, I'll
leave it to you, then,

to cut down on your
consumption tonight.

I've invited my pal
Pinky Peterson here,

and Pinky eats like
a government mule.

Uh, look, maybe
it's too much trouble.

Oh, no, no, sittin' an extra chair
at the table is no trouble for me.

Do it, dear Edith, will ya?

- DAVID: Oh, I'll get it.
- EDITH: Oh, okay, David.

EDITH: right at the
head of the table.

So, what town are you from
up in Rhode Island there?

Oh, he's from Canada.

Oh! From Canada, huh?

That's the other
side of the Falls.

Oh, yeah.

Well, what line of
work you in up there?

What, are you in logs
or whale meat or what?

Arch, uh, w-what
have you got here?

- A toy for Joey?
- No, no, no. That ain't for Joey.

Let me show you.
No, that's, uh...

That's a little present I
got for Pinky Peterson.

Now, don't bust it, will ya?!

- How does it work?
- Let me show you.

Works on a battery, you see.

You put the battery
in there like that,

and that starts Santy
up doing this here, see?

Well, that's a
little disgusting,

so you don't look at that, see?

What you do is that
you squeeze Santy's tie,

and then he does
something funny.

Go ahead and do it.

[MOTOR WHIRRS]

Do it.

Didn't I see that
in the trick store?

Ah, gee, look at this guy.

Suspicious of everything.
Was he always this way?

I mean, what is
the matter with you?

Can't you just...
Just a lovely little toy.

Will you do it? Do it!

[GROANS]

- Ah, jeez.
- [LAUGHS]

Don't laugh.

I gotta go up again.

The hell with it! I won't go up.

♪ Feliz Navidad, feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad,
Prospero año y felicidad ♪

[SPANISH ACCENT] That's
a song about Christmas.

Oh, gee, Teresa, don't be
singing a song in Spanish

at Christmas time.

God don't wanna hear that.

What's the matter, Daddy?

Doesn't God understand Spanish?

Well, God understands
four or five languages.

Just that Spanish ain't...
What do you call it...

His first language.

Don't give me the
constipated face.

The Bible ain't in Spanish!

The world was started
by Adam and Eve.

Not Desi and Charo.

Come on, let's not
spoil Christmas Eve

with all this
religious talk here.

Hey, Teresa, you ain't met
what's-his-name over here.

- Uh, David Brewster.
- ARCHIE: Yeah, meet
Teresa Betancourt.

ARCHIE: Teresa, meet him.

- Nice to meet you, Teresa.
- Me, too.

Let me show you around.

Let's start over
here by the mistletoe.

- DAVID: Oh.
- ARCHIE: Oh, Teresa!

Can't you wait till you
know him a little better?

Jeez, them people are so hot.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

ARCHIE: Oh, that's
Pinky Peterson. I'll get it.

- That's Mr. Peterson!
- ARCHIE: I'll get it!

- I'll get it!
- I'll get it! I said I would get it.

Do you always have
to come charging over

like a police dog?

She gets that from
her nutty mother.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Before I open the door...

Now, listen, all of you.
Pay attention, please.

On holidays, Pinky sometimes,

he's just feelin' a
little low, you know.

So, if he starts
talki" about Steve,

get him off the subject.

- ARCHIE: Make a joke
about something.
- Who's Steve?

Well, Steve is the only son.

He got knocked off
over in Vietnam...

- [DOORBELL CHIMES]
- Now, remember, joke it up,
now, joke it up.

- Go on, answer the door.
- All right, all right.

- Come on in!
- Merry Christmas, Arch!

- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas,
Mrs. Bunker!

- Hey!
- Oh, my!

- That's beautiful!
- Aw, ain't that somethin'?

That's a pointer-e-setta
plant there, Edith.

Oh, thank you! [LAUGHS]

Now, excuse me,

I gotta get the bird
out of the oven.

- Let me help you,
Mrs. Bunker!
- Oh, thank you!

Oh, Pinky, come
here, I want you to meet

Teresa Betancourt
from Puerto Rico.

- Pinky Peterson here.
- Merry Christmas.

How do you do? Merry Christmas.

Huh?

Uh, uh, she's
talkin' Spanish there,

but, uh, she's learning
English more and more.

She hangs around me, you
know? Come here! Come here.

I wanna show ya a cute little
present I got ya here, Pinky.

- Oh, that's very
thoughtful, Arch.
- See that, eh?

The... the... the little
Santy. Works on a battery.

You just slip it right in there,

and that starts him off, see?

He gives you the... [GURGLES]

So, that's a little disgusting,

so you don't look at that, see.

All you do is that you
squeeze Santy's tie,

and he does something funny.

Works on batteries, huh?

Yeah, I put the battery right
back in there. You can see where...

[LAUGHS]

I gotta go now!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

What happened?

Oh, I just pulled
a joke on Arch.

- I'm always doing that.
- Oh.

I don't think I met you.
My name is Pinky Peterson.

David Brewster.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, son.

♪ ...day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me ♪

♪ Twelve drummers
drumming, pipers piping ♪

♪ Ten lord a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing ♪

[MUMBLING]

♪ Five gold rings ♪

♪ And a partridge... ♪

♪ Four calling birds,
three French hens ♪

♪ Two turtledoves... ♪

ALL: ♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪

Thank you, Mom.

All right, all youse
gather 'round over here,

'cause I want to make
a what-do-you-call-it,

one, like, a gracious
Christmas toast.

Oh! I don't think I
should drink no more.

I'm gonna get dizzy.

Nobody'll notice. Sit down.

First of all, I wanna make toast

to my lovely wife,
without who life...

Oh... Arch...

without who, down
through the years...

- [EDITH MOANING]
- Every year, I say "without
who, down through the years,"

and I get this over here.

Oh, dear!

I'll probably finish this
toast when I'm in my grave.

I can't help it.

You're so sweet to
me every Christmas.

What do you mean?
I'm always sweet to you.

Now, will you shut up

and get the turkey
on the table, huh?

Excuse me.

Next, to my beautiful
daughter Gloria,

the apple of her daddy's eye.

To my son-in-law Michael,

who wormed his
way into that apple.

Oh, don't forget Joey!

Oh, Joey! No, I
can't forget Joey.

To my little grandson,

who's sleeping
upstairs, thank God,

so we can enjoy
ourselves down here.

[CLAMORING]

Let me have a little
bit of this skin here.

- Don't touch my...
- I want a little skin!

I want to propose a
toast to the Bunker family

for making me feel like home.

EDITH: Aw... And
I'd like to second that.

It's nice to be
home for Christmas.

A nice toast, a nice toast.

Here, here! Here,
here! Here, here!

As the English used to say
before they lost everything.

- [ALL LAUGH]
- ARCHIE: Yeah.

EDITH: Everybody,
just tell him to stop.

You know what? Christmas always
puts me in mind of the Depression.

I'll never forget Little
Stevie, one Christmas,

he scribbled a note to Santa...

Oh, hey, hey, hey, Pinky,

hey, how would you like
to hear a swell Polack joke?

- GLORIA: Daddy! No!
- [ALL GROAN]

[WHISPERS] Wise up.

All right, go ahead.
Go ahead, Pinky.

Anyway, little Stevie
scribbled a note to Santa.

And he said, "Please, Santa.

"I'd like a punching
bag for Christmas.

"And if I can't have one,

I'll take a little sister."

[ALL LAUGH]

Yeah. Well, what I
wanted to say was that, uh,

back in the Depression
I'll never forget...

One Christmas morning, I
come running downstairs,

you know, I'm
looking for a bike.

That's all I wanted
is a bike, nothin' else.

I look around for
the bike, no bike.

- What'd you get?
- Heavy underwear.

[ALL LAUGH]

And I cried.

And to this day, heavy
underwear always makes me cry.

Yeah, and it makes ya itch, too!

Edith, uh, private.
Private, huh, Edith?

Uh, can't you never
judge these things, huh?

So, uh, you say, there,
w-what's-his-name over there, uh...

ALL: David!

All right, all right.

You got some heart-warming
story for us, huh?

Well, our, uh, Christmases
back home in Chicago

are always big family
get-togethers, you know.

Chicago? I thought you said,
uh, you was from Canada.

No, sir, I said I was
living in Canada.

Oh! You're livin' up there.

Hey, whatever brung you
up to Canada, anyhow?

What's wrong with
living in Canada?

What's wrong with me
asking him a question

without getting an answer
from one of you two, huh?

- Well, I just don't like you giving him...
- Mike, please.

It's like what Mike
said, Mr. Bunker.

I'm just an American who
prefers living in Canada.

All right. There, you see?
I got an answer from him.

Fine. Prefers living in Canada.

The next question is what
the hell you got in Canada

that you ain't got here?

[LAUGHS]

ARCHIE: Pass the yams, huh?

GLORIA: Here, Daddy.

ARCHIE: Huh?! What's the answer?

Freedom.

Did you say "freedom"?

Yes, sir. Freedom.

Aw, come on, will ya?

You got more
freedom in the U.S. of A

than you got anyplace
else in the world.

This is "the land of the free."

Did you never hear of that?

Mr. Bunker, for some of us,

America is not free.

Well, uh, I think
it's pretty free

for everybody in this room
and around this here table.

Uh, I don't know what
you're talking about.

What the hell you
mean by "free"?

Daddy, would you stop
giving David the third degree?

- I'm not giving
no third degree.
- Arch, change the subject.

How about some more peas?

[ALL CHATTERING]

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Wait, hey, hey, hey. Wait,
wait, wait, wait a minute here.

You know, I mean, uh,
I kind of get the feeling

that, uh, you know, you're
all trying to shove something,

uh, underneath the tablecloth...

- Where, where?
- Don't be funny.

Whenever I ask him what
he's doing up in Canada.

It ain't like he's a deserter from
the Army or something, is that?

No, sir. I'm not a deserter.

Well, I didn't think you was.

- I was just trying to figure...
- I'm a draft dodger.

What did he say?

He said he was a draft dodger.

Well, come on,
everybody, eat, eat!

Does that mean you're a draft
dodger from the selective service

- of the U.S. of A?
- Yes, sir.

Edith, hey, Edith, hey.
Hey, Edith, I mean,

before you start
eating over there, Edith,

did you hear this over
here? Draft dodger.

Fugitive from justice,
you know, FBI?

How'd you like the FBI
having dinner with you?

Oh, Archie, we ain't got
enough turkey for them.

Come on, let's eat.

Wait a minute here. Hey!

I don't want nobody
to touch no food here

till I get an
explanation of this.

Daddy, David doesn't owe you or
anyone at this table any explanations!

He owes explanations
to the Army, the Navy,

the Marine Corps, the
Commander in Chief of the U.S. of A,

the President.

Will you put the flag away?

It's Christmas, not
the Fourth of July.

- Ain't talking to you.
- I wrote to the President
about it, Mr. Bunker.

He just couldn't come up with
as many reasons for k*lling people

as I could for not k*lling them.

Well, what do you
know about that?

How do you like
that, Pinky, huh?

We got a draft dodger here

that writes a snotty letter
to the Commander in Chief.

I mean, what the hell
do you do with that?

Look, Mr. Bunker, I don't want
to spoil your Christmas dinner,

so maybe I should go.

- EDITH: Oh, no, David!
- GLORIA: Daddy,
don't let him go!

Certainly he's gotta go!
What are you talkin' about?

If the FBI was to find him here,

we could all be having
Christmas dinner in the hoosegow.

Daddy, it's Christmas Eve.

Now, don't go making
a big crisis out of...

Look, Arch! What David
did took a lot of guts!

What do you mean a lot of guts?

My own father doesn't
understand. Why should he?

When the hell are
you going to admit

that the w*r was wrong?!

I ain't talkin' about that w*r!

I don't wanna talk about
that rotten damn w*r no more!

I'm talkin' about
something else!

And what he done was wrong!

Saying he won't go!

What, do you think that
all the people in this country

can say whether or not
they wanna go to w*r?!

You couldn't get a decent
w*r off the ground that way.

All the young people would
say no. Sure they would!

'Cause they don't
wanna get k*lled!

And that's why we
leave it to the Congress,

'cause them old craps
ain't gonna get k*lled!

And they're gonna
do the right thing

and get behind the
President and vote "yes"!

Arch, if my opinion
is of any importance...

Certainly your opinion
has importance!

A Gold Star father.

Your opinion has more importance

than anybody else in this room,

and I wanna hear that opinion.

And I want these
young people here

to hear that opinion.

Now, you tell 'em,
Pinky! You tell 'em!

I understand how you feel, Arch.

My kid hated the w*r, too.

But he did what he
thought he had to do,

and David here did what
he thought he had to do.

But David's alive to share
Christmas dinner with us.

And if Steve were here,
he'd want to sit down with him.

And that's what I wanna do.

Merry Christmas, David.

Merry Christmas, sir.

- Daddy...
- No, no, no, no.

Well, you know what I
think we ought to do now?

GLORIA: What?

I think we ought to eat.

GLORIA: Yeah. Let's eat.

Archie, please,
sit down and eat.

No, no, no.

But Archie! It's Christmas!

I can't...

I... I gotta work
this out here today.

I can't think about that.

But Archie, you
asked Pinky what to do,

and you see what he's doing?

You ought to do the same.

Come on! Please, Archie.

For me?

There's a drumstick for ya.

Aw, Edith, I... I ain't
thinking about eating, jeez.

I'll take it, Ma.

Leave it on the plate.
Leave it on the plate.

Well...

I don't wanna stop
none of youse from...

eating this nice
Christmas dinner here.

So, you might as well eat it.

But I'll tell ya one thing...

When the dinner's over,

I still gotta work this out.

You better remind
me to do that, Edith.

Oh... I will.

All right, eat, eat, eat!

Yeah, everybody
come back for seconds.

Don't be afraid to ask.

CAROLERS: ♪ We wish
you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas... ♪

Oh, they're caroling!

Oh... ♪ Good
tidings we bring... ♪

- [ARCHIE GROANS]
- EDITH: Archie,
where are you going?

Ah, them people always want
money or something, you know?

EDITH: Well, give 'em some.

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas... ♪

Hi...

Hey, we're all trying to eat
a Christmas dinner here.

Would you just all shut up?

CAROLERS: Merry Christmas!

Yeah, all right.
Yeah, all right.

M-Merry Christmas
to all of youse, yeah.

But, uh, keep it down, huh?

I... I don't wanna have
to call a cop on you.

CAROLERS: ♪ We wish
you a merry Christmas... ♪

♪♪

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.