07x16 - The Boarder Patrol

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]

You know how I hate this.

We're probably the only
two people in the whole world

screwy enough to be takin' a
bus to Woodbine, New Jersey.

Oh, Archie. It's just
for the weekend.

And just think, it's
Aunt Iola's th birthday.

Iola don't bother me. She
just sits there and burps.

But the rest of your
family, they talk.

Oh, Archie, be nice. This may
be our last chance to see Aunt Iola.

Oh, come on. She's
gonna live forever.

That bourbon breath of hers, the angel
of death is scared to get close to her.

Oh, excuse me.

I told you I wasn't interested.

Be careful how you
look at men, will ya?

Hey, buddy, we'd like a
couple of round-trippers

on the ten o'clock bus to
Woodbine, New Jersey.

You're going to Woodbine?

Yeah.

We got condemned
relatives over there.

Two tickets, ten
o'clock to Woodbine.

That's $ . .

Give me the money, Archie.

Your relations,
Edith, your money.

Oh, okay.

Will the ten o'clock
bus be on time?

Oh, yes. But "on time"
for the ten o'clock bus

is : .

All the busses to Jersey

is always a half hour late.

Even the drivers don't
want to go over there.

Come on, let's sit down.

We only got half
an hour to k*ll.

Oh! There's... there's a
scale. I'm gonna weigh myself.

Ah... Got a half
an hour to k*ll.

A half hour here could k*ll us.

Oh, my!

What do you weigh?

Four hundred
twenty-seven pounds!

You're always blowin' good
money on things like scales.

Wait a minute. I got a fortune.

Archie, listen to this.

You are going to take a trip.

Big deal, Edith.

Every scale in a bus station

says you're going
to take a trip.

But how does the scale
know it's in a bus station.

Because it sees the
passengers coming and going.

Sit down here!

Rest your brain.

Don't be walkin' around. You don't
know who the hell is around here.

Oh, Jeez. Get a
load of this back here.

Oh. I guess they're in love.

I'm sure they're in love, Edith.

Ain't that sweet, Archie?

Sweet? A couple of guys?

Oh!

Somethin' wrong, buddy?

No, I don't see nothin' wrong.

[MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]

Archie, that man has our bag!

I know that, Edith. I know that.

I know that. I know that.

Well...?

Don't do nothin'.
Don't do nothin'.

Don't do nothin', Edith.

Mister, excuse me,
but you got our bag.

I ain't got nothi"
of yours, lady.

Yeah, you do. See,
it looks just like yours.

Lady, would you just sit down.

No. See, ours has
got an Atlantic City.

See, it's on there. Here.

It's yours. There.

Thanks. Have a nice trip.

Thank you. Bye!

There we are!

What's the matter, Archie?

I'll never get over it, Edith?

What?

How you manage to live so long.

I hope I turned the gas off.

You turned the gas off.

Did you turn out all the lights?

I turned out all the lights.

I hope I didn't leave
the faucet dripping...

You didn't leave no
faucet dripping in the sink.

Did you put the garbage out...

I put the garbage can out.

Aw, jeez... You
didn't put it out in front.

Don't bark at me, huh?

Why didn't ya?

I don't know.

I was afraid somebody
would steal it, Edith.

Leave me alone.

Well, I guess Teresa
will look after things.

Sure she'll look after it.
She's home there all weekend.

What the hell else
has she got to do?

♪ Da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

I still don't have it right.

Show me the thing
again. Ooh, that hurts!

Hey! Hey, Mike!

Mike, I love the music,
but I got a problem.

I can't move like the girls do.

Don't worry about it. If
you can move like the girls,

you have other problems.

No, Brian's a good pupil.

Thanks. Hey, I got an
apple for the teacher.

BOTH: Aw... It's our
one-month anniversary.

Yeah, and what a month.

Do you know it was one week

before this little lady
let me hold her hand?

Two weeks before
I could hug her?

Three weeks before
I could kiss her?

Hang in there. Maybe
you'll get lucky by Easter.

I made some delicious dessert.

It's called flan.

Flan! She makes the
greatest flan in the world!

It's probably fattening!
Come on, let's try it.

Look at the time!

I'm sorry, Teresa,

but we've got to get home
and relieve the babysitter.

Ah, honey, no flan?

Take it home with you.

Take it home with us, yeah.

Give me an extra one for Joey.

Honey, Joey can't
eat this. It's too rich!

All right. I'll have his.

You two have a good time.

You got the whole house
to yourselves tonight.

Archie and Edith
are in New Jersey.

If you want, you've
got the whole weekend.

I can imagine what
Mr. Bunkers would say

if he found me alone
in his house with a man.

You're right. Daddy would never
leave me alone here with Michael.

Yeah. We were
married at the time.

If we stopped talking,

he'd bang his shoe
on our bedroom wall.

To this day every time I
hear tap dancing, I get hot.

After the flan,
honey, after the flan.

Bye, guys. Have a good time!

Thanks a lot.
Great night. Thanks.

Good night.

Well...

PA: is now arriving
at platform .

I'm thirsty.

Archie. Archie, I want a drink.

"I want a drink!" You
sound just like a kid.

Jeez...

You ain't never supposed
to take nothin' to drink

before you take
a bus trip, Edith.

That bouncin' around. You
know what that does to ya.

Them bus drivers,
they never stop a bus

unless their own
bladder's burstin'.

Come to think of it,

while we're waiting here, you
better go to the ladies' room

and take care of everything now.

I don't have to now.

Give it the ol' college try. Put
the pressure on, huh, Edith?

Well, all right. You
watch the bags.

What else I gotta do?

PA: Attention, passengers...

[MUFFLED SCHEDULE INSTRUCTIONS]

I didn't hear that
there, sweetheart.

Give me that again, huh?

[RECITES SCHEDULE
INFORMATION IN SPANISH]

Thanks very much
there, Chiquita banana.

Hey, mister, they
just called your bus.

Was that my bus?
They just called that?

Oh, I don't believe
it's in the thing.

Hey, Edith? Edith?

Hey, Edith, in there!

Edith?

Uh...

Hey, come on out of there,
sweetheart... Holy jeez!

Pervert!

Hey, listen...

Hey, listen, buddy. You
gotta do me a favor, see?

What's your problem?

I don't know how
I'm gonna get my wife

out of the can in there,
and the bus is gonna leave.

Don't rush your wife.
There's plenty of time.

Oh, there is?

Sure. Your bus is gone.

Here I am! I'm all ready!

Ah, terrific, Edith.
You done swell.

Oh, no. I just fixed my hair.

While you was in there,
Edith... No, just a minute now.

You got a darling way
with bad news. You tell her.

You missed your bus.

You like that? Oh, no.

Oh, Archie, I'm sorry!

I think I'm delighted, Edith.

Well, when is the next bus?

That's the last one tonight.

I know I'm delighted now.

Come on, come on.

I give this mission of mercy every
chance it deserves. Let's go home.

Oh, but my family,
they're going to be so mad.

They won't never
speak to us again.

If I'd have knew this, I'd have
missed the bus six years ago.

And poor Aunt
Iola, years old.

What'll she think?

Edith, you call her
up in a couple of days.

You tell her you was at the
party, you had a wonderful time.

She'll never know the
difference. Let's get outta here!

So what's on your mind?

The same thing
that's on your mind.

Unless you've changed your mind.

What's the matter? Still
thinking about Mr. Bunker?

But he's in New Jersey.

Oh, no, wherever he
is, he is watching us.

He's gone for the weekend.

All right.

I'll come over early
tomorrow morning.

Yeah, let's go out.
We'll go to the museum.

I wanna go to the
Museum of Modern Art.

They have a new
photographic essay.

We'll see Lartigue,
Steichen, Stiglitz...

Oh, don't bring your friends.

Teresa?

Mr. Bunker can't see us

all the way from New Jersey.

Well, Archie... Well, what?

We're home.

Nothin' escapes your
notice, huh, Edith?

I can't wait until
we're upstairs.

Or we could go
out to the kitchen

and get something to eat first.

Are ya hungry?
Certainly, I'm hungry.

I'm always hungry
after a long bus trip.

Wh-where you goin'? Aren't you
gonna go out and eat there with me?

No. I'm gonna see
if Teresa is home.

She ain't home, Edith.

Ah, look at the
time. It's early.

She's probably
still out on that date

with that jerk
with the mustache.

Archie, Brian Schlemmer
is a very nice young man.

He's so polite.

Don't get me wrong. I
think he likes girls all right,

but he don't know what
the hell to do with 'em.

I think he's in
love with Teresa.

Oh, "He's in love..." Come on!

Oh, no, Archie.

She'll feel better if she
knows she ain't alone.

Why?

Because she'll hear us
making noise down here,

and she'll get scared,
thinkin' we're burglars.

Oh, no! Them people can
sleep through anything, Edith.

Ain't you never been in a
Puerto Rican neighborhood?

They got bongos,
sireens, and g*nf*re

right around the clock.

Tell you what I'll do.

In honor of Iola's birthday,
I'll make you eggs tonight.

How do you want 'em?

Oh, Archie, that's so nice.

Sunny-side up.

Well, if I don't break the
middle. Scrambled if I do.

Maybe Teresa'll have some!

Are you in bed?

No. I'm waitin' for
you, sweetheart.

[HUMMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, Edith!

What the hell are you
doin', the Peabody?

[FORCED LAUGH]

Teresa up there in her room?

No, no.

She ain't in her room.

Was that you slammin' doors?

No, no.

Well, close some windows
up there. The draft is doin' that!

Yeah, right away, Archie.

[YELLING] I'm comin'
up to close the windows!

Mrs. Bunkers, I
am so embarrassed!

Me, too.

Oh, I thought you
were in New Jersey.

Oh, I wish I was.

I wish I were in San Juan.

I didn't expect anything
like this to happen.

I just planned to spend
a very quiet evening.

Oh... Then after
dinner, the four of us...

The four of you?!
Where are the others?!

No, no. It was Mike and Gloria.

And then they went home.

And I don't want to cause
you any trouble, Mrs. Bunkers.

You know that.

Oh, Teresa, yeah, I know.

You're a good girl.

But you understand.
You were young.

Oh, yeah, but only
for a little while.

But you must've
felt like this...

All alone in a house with
a very handsome man.

And the hot blood
pounding in your veins.

What did you do?

Nothin'.

Nothing?

Well, I took piano lessons.

Y-you know Brian?

Yeah, we said hello before.

I'm truly sorry, Mrs. Bunker.

Please don't blame
Teresa. It's all my fault.

I can't stay away
from her. I love her.

Oh, that's nice.

And I love him.

Well, do you love him
enough to get married?

Do we have to?

You see, I think Archie
would say this was all right

if you was engaged.

Why?

I don't know. He said it was
all right when we was engaged.

Then what did you do?

I played Glow Worm on the piano.

ARCHIE: Everything's
ready but the toast.

The toaster won't
cook the toast!

Is it plugged in?

Oh, plugged in!
Jeez! I'll plug it in!

Listen, Teresa. I
know you got a right

to live your life the
way you wanna live it,

but you can't live it
the way you want to

here in this house with Archie.

I mean, I don't even do that.

ARCHIE: Oh! I got
a shock! A shock...

Oh! That's why it
wasn't plugged in!

I'll be right down!

Now, Teresa, I'll try to
keep Archie in the kitchen.

And Brian, you better get
ready and get outta here fast!

I'm going. Thank
you, Mrs. Bunker!

Edith, my finger feels
like it's burnin' off here!

Gee whiz!

Oh, that's too bad.

[BLOWS HARD]

Go in the kitchen, and
we'll put butter on it!

Butter? I gotta stay
away from cholesterol!

I'll go up there to the bathroom

and get some of that
burn salve and put it on.

No, no! No, Archie.

You used up all that burn salve.

I don't remember that.

Oh, yeah. You thought
it was for your hair.

Ah, jeez! Come on.

We'll go in the kitchen
and put butter on it.

I don't want no butter
on it. We'll use margarine.

Listen, listen.

I was just thinking
there, Edith.

How do we get back
the money comin' to us

from those tickets
we didn't use?

Oh, that's easy, Archie.

I'll go down to the bus depot
tomorrow and turn them in.

Where are they?

Where are they? You got 'em.

No, I ain't.

Edith, you took the money
out of your purse in the station.

You paid for the tickets, and
put them back in your purse.

No, but you took
'em away from me.

I didn't not! Why would
you think I done that?

You always do that.

You say I can't be
trusted with nothin'.

This proves it, don't it?!

Come on with me
out to that living room!

I don't wanna go in there!

Come with me!

I want you to look
right in that coat pocket,

both of them there

and show, prove
that it ain't there.

No, they ain't there.
So where are they then?

Look in your pocket.

They ain't there in
this pocket here...

Oh, jeez. Did ya find 'em?

No, but I got a pocket
full of margarine!

They ain't in my purse.

When you took your
keys out to open the door,

maybe you dropped
'em on the porch, huh?

I'm gonna look on the porch. Look
in the pockets of your coat, huh?

All right, I will.

No!

Oh!

ARCHIE: They ain't
on the porch, Edith.

They ain't here on the porch.

Did you look in the
pockets of your coat there?

No.

Do I have to do that for you?

No, No. I'll look.

You didn't look in
your bag enough, Edith.

Oh, thank you!

There's all kinds
of stuff in there.

Archie, look!

You got 'em. I told
you they were there.

Give me them tickets.
You'll lose 'em again.

Come on out to the kitchen.
Take care of the toast and eggs.

I got something else I gotta
do. What are you gonna do?

I gotta put the
garbage can out front.

Oh, no! No! Don't
put the can out now!

I don't wanna wake up
early in the morning and do it!

[GARBAGE CAN CLANGS]

Good night!

ARCHIE: Hey, Barney! Your
dog is killin' my lawn again!

Ah, jeez, look at this.

Now why would you wanna be
doi" a thing like this on the porch

with all of the neighbors givin'
you the Orphan Annies, huh?

I mean, ain't you got a little
class to go with that mustache?

A nice fella brings a girl home,

he takes her in the house
to kiss her good night.

Now do that.

No, no, no more
kissing. No more!

You don't want no more kissing?

I don't want no more, neither.

Well, you I ain't surprised at.

I-I gotta go home now, sir.

Thank you. Good night.
Yeah, go ahead there.

Good night, Teresa. Good night.

Good night, Mrs.
Bunker. Good night.

He's very bashful, ain't he?

Yeah!

What's his last name again?

Schlemmer.

Oh, a German. Oh.

Well, he ain't gonna do nothin'

till you give him
orders, you know?

Do you want me to
say somethin' to him?

No! No, I like him
just the way he is.

Well, it's your romance.

Good night. Thank you.

Oh, good night, Teresa.

Thank you. Good night.

Boy, that girl almost
had me fooled.

I just found out
something about her.

What, Archie?

She's really very shy.

Oh...

I mean, after
all, look at that...

An old-fashioned kiss
good night on the porch.

Now, think about
this a minute, Edith.

For all they knew, we was in
Jersey for the whole weekend.

They could of did
anything they wanted here.

They could've... they could've
went wild here, wild, couldn't they?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but you wouldn't
have liked that.

Oh... I would've had to
blow my top, there, Edith.

[CHUCKLING]

But honest to God, Edith,

ain't they the couple
of dopes? Ha ha! Ha ha!

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.