07x17 - Archie's Chair

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[EDITH HUMMING]

Oh, hi, Mike.

Hi, Ma.

Hey, Ma... tell me...

Gloria already gave me her
opinion. Tell me what you think.

About what?

Ma, look at me.

Are you gonna sneeze?

No, Ma! I shaved
off my mustache.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, my goodness, let me see.

Oh, my, it makes
your head look fatter.

That's what Gloria's
been telling me.

She's been laughing all morning.

Oh, oh, but it's
a nice fat head.

I mean, well, now your upper
lip matches your lower lip.

What made you shave it off?

How can I explain it...

Did you ever have
a table that wobbled?

Oh, all my life.

You got one leg
longer than the other,

so you cut it down to
make them all even,

but the next thing you know you got
the other three legs are now too long,

so you cut them
down to make it even.

And pretty soon,
with all the cutting

and trying to make it
even you got no table at all.

Oh, Mike, I hope it wasn't the table
we gave you for a wedding present.

Ma, do you have any coffee?

Yeah, sure.

And do you mind if I
drink it in the living room?

Oh, no. I want to
catch Sesame Street.

I thought that
was for little kids.

It is, but they got a great
show on today about the letter Z.

Besides, I heard that Big
Bird's gonna lay an egg today.

Oh.

[WOOD CRACKS]

Oh, no!

I broke the chair!
I broke the chair!

I broke Archie's
chair! I broke his chair!

Yeah, but you coulda
broke something.

I did! I broke his chair!

Ma, I feel terrible! I
didn't mean to do it!

It was an accident. It was
an accident, wasn't it, Ma?

Archie's gonna go crazy!

Ma, what are you gonna tell him?

I don't know, Mike.

His chair is his favorite
place in the whole world.

Good morning. EDITH: Hi, Gloria.

- What happened?
- I broke Archie's chair!

Oh, that's awful! How did...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry, Michael,
but you look so funny

without anything
on your upper lip.

Will you forget about that?!

Do ya think we'll
be able to fix it?

Oh, yeah, sure. We'll just get
some glue and put it back on.

Won't it come off in the shower?

Ha ha ha ha!

Who would want to put
a chair in the shower?

No, your mustache!

Will you forget
about the mustache?!

- What are we gonna do
about the chair?
- Yeah!

Well, I can call my friend Andy

in Kressler's
furniture department.

- Yeah, call him.
- He can probably
take care of it today.

It'll probably
cost a little more,

but they'll pick up and deliver.

I don't care how
much it costs, just do it.

Do you think he can fix it
before your father gets home?

Oh, sure, Andy works
fast, and it's still early.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Will you stop laughing?

It's not that funny.

Yes, it is.

I just noticed that your
nostrils are uneven.

EDITH: But you promised, Andy.

Well, that ain't fair.

Well, it's : now,

and you promised
that my husband's chair

would be here an hour ago.

And now he's gonna walk
through the door any minute

and he's gonna blow up!

What am I gonna do?

No. I don't want to go
to an all-night movie.

Ma, Daddy's coming! He
just rounded the corner!

Did you hear that?
You call me back!

Gloria, what are you doing?

If I put this here maybe
Daddy won't notice,

at least not right away.

Oh, no, your father'll notice.

Ma, be positive.

I am positive...
Your father'll notice it!

Maybe the truck
got held up in traffic.

ARCHIE: Hey, Hefner, your
dog is killin' my lawn again!

Ma, here's what you do.

You just distract Daddy and
keep him out of the living room

- until the truck comes by.
- Where are you going?

I gotta go home, 'cause I don't want
to be here for Daddy to blame me.

But it ain't your fault.

Yes, it is. I married Michael!

Ohhh... Oh, yeah.

Oh, hi, Archie. Are
you ready to go?

Where the hell are we goin'?

Next door for minutes.

What for?!

To look at Joey's tooth.

I seen Joey's tooth.

Yeah, but it got longer today.

Out of the way, will you, Edith?

Let a tired man get into his
house and get off his feet.

How was your day?

Stinko.

Did did you like your lunch?

No, I hated it.

Did you get a seat
on the subway?

Are you kiddin'?

I got a seat on the
subway nine years ago

when the train went on fire
and everybody run like hell.

Let me go, will ya?

I just wanna go
get myself a smoke.

Ah...

Archie, come on out
in the kitchen with me!

- Huh? Come on.
- Edith, Edith...

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Edith, please.

I don't wanna talk.

At : a.m. today

I said all I want to say to
everybody in this world.

Hold it, hold it, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Ain't there somethin'
funny in here?

Uh, no, no.

Uh, uh, did you do
something to your hair?

Yeah, I fluffed it up.

No, no, that ain't it.
No, there's something...

peculiar, whatever
the hell it is here.

It's spooky. Let's
go in the kitchen.

Yeah, let's go in the kitchen!

Oh, jeez, the heel!

You got the heel.
You got the heel.

Oh, you...

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Did you put new curtains
on them windows out there?

Well, about eight years ago.

That must be it. Get me a beer.

Yeah, sit down right here

and tell me all about your day.

We ain't talked much lately.

Oh, I know!

We'll talk about the family.

I hate the family!

I meant your family.

That's who I meant.

Oh, I know, Archie!

Let's talk about
the good old days.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

That ain't nice, now.

Forget it, talking about
the good old days.

The good old days is
over and done with, Edith,

and everybody in it is dead.

And I don't miss nobody
except maybe Humphrey Bogart.

Let me go watch the news, huh?

Well, now, wait a minute.

Edith, Edith, Edith, I want
to go into my living room.

Not just this minute.

You mean you ain't gonna
let me go into my living room?

No, stay here in
the kitchen with me.

Edith, Edith, I think
the gas is escaping.

Boom boom, boom boom!

Oh! You fooled me!
You fooled me! Ha ha ha!

You're actin' awful strange.

I mean, even for you.

Archie, I know what let's do.

Let's eat dinner in
the kitchen tonight.

I don't give a damn
where we have dinner.

Just go cook it, call
me when it's ready.

I tell you what we do. Later on,
we'll watch television together.

There's a brand-new
show, very interesting, see?

It's a women's show, what
you call a very now show.

I'll show you.

It's listed here
in the book here,

I seen it the other night.

It's the Ladies'
Heavyweight Boxing, Edith,

the championship,

and the ladies
give a fashion show

before they start belting
the hell out of each other.

You see 'em in them
long evening gowns.

Boy, it's better than
a monster movie.

There it is. Nine
o'clock, channel nine.

Ain't that nice?

Now let me watch old
pinko Cronkite here.

Come on in the
kitchen and talk to me...

There ain't nothi" to talk...

There's nothi" to talk about!

Now there's
somethin' to talk about.

How come I can do that here?

Archie, Kressler's is
bringing it back any minute.

What is Kressler's
doing with it?

Now, Archie, please be careful.
Remember your blood pressure.

E-E-Edith...

I'm gonna hold my breath
and bust all of my arteries...

all over your floor.

You'll have to explain
to the carpet cleaners

how you m*rder*d your husband.

What's with my chair?!

Now, Kressler's is repairing it,

and they're gonna
bring it right away.

- They're repairin' it.
- Yeah.

Somehow I get from
that that it got broke.

- Who broke it?
- Just a leg broke.

- Tell me who broke it.
- It don't matter, Archie.

Why won't you tell
me who broke it?

Because you'll get
mad at Mike... oh.

The meathead broke my chair?

But he didn't mean to.

Edith, Edith, Edith.

Get on the horn, call
him and get him over here.

Oh, Archie, he won't
come over here now.

You gotta tempt him back, Edith.

Tell him you made a big bowl of
chocolate pudding or something.

No, Archie, he feels
too bad already,

and he didn't mean to do it.

It was an accident.

What was he using my
chair for, a trampoloon?!

Archie, the chair
was old and rickety.

Old and rickety?

You'd say a rotten
thing like that

about something
that I hold dear?

Do I ever say rotten things like that
about the things that you hold dear?

Did I ever call your
mother old and rickety?

Did I ever bust one of her legs?

But the springs was all loose.

So was your mother's.

And it was covered
with beer stains.

So was your mother.

And the stuffin'
was all comin' out.

You knew her better than me!

Edith, Edith, Edith!

All I gotta tell you is I want the
chair back here where it was!

- Yeah, it'll be here!
- Right where it was!

And until I see it back there,
you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna pick out
a spot in this house,

I'm gonna pick out the most
uncomfortable spot in this house,

and then I'm gonna go
and put myself in that spot,

and I'm gonna t*rture
myself until you cry...

or until I see that
chair back where it was.

And until then, this is my spot!

Archie!

You better be careful!

I mean, you wasn't this upset
when you lost your father.

I didn't sit on my
father for years!

Archie, please, don't worry.

Kressler's is bringin'
back your chair

and it's gonna be good as new.

- I don't want Kressler's to put
no new stuffin' in that chair!
- Oh, no, they won't.

I don't want Kressler puttin'
no benzene on that chair

and clean all the
memories out of that, Edith!

- [PHONE RINGS]
- I don't then to do nothing
to take all the charm

out of that chair, Edith!

Hello? Oh, it's Kressler's.

- Kressler's?
- Yeah.

You tell 'em to put
three men on that chair,

and carry it out
careful, don't drop it.

And then when they
get it on the truck

wrap it up in one
of them blankets

with all the padding in there

- I'll call you back.
- And tie it around there.

What are you hanging up for?

You didn't tell
'em what I told ya.

- Archie,
they lost your chair.
- Lost?

Well, not exactly.
See, they gave it away.

- They gave it away?
- By mistake,

with a pile of junk.

Pile of junk?

My chair, junk? I'll
show you what's junk!

You wanna see
junk? There's junk!

Your chair... that's junk!

- No! No!
- That's what's junk, there.

- The elephant is junk!
- No! Don't break
my elephant!

- Edith, the camel!
- No! No!

The camel is junk!

The gravy boat is junk.

- Edith! Edith!
- What?

Get me something
to break, Edith!

Get me something
to break, Edith!

Ah...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

My chair is here?

Well, this is the address
that Andy gave me.

How can this be a junk shop?

There ain't no "minorarity"
peoples in here.

This is an art gallery.

This is "art"?

Modern art.

Oh, jeez, excuse me.

Well, you see, I read
once that in modern art

it ain't what you see,

but it's what it makes
you think you see. See?

I don't know what the hell you
see, but I don't see my chair.

Oh, look at this.

This looks like the
foot of a big bird.

I'm glad the rest of
him ain't flyin' over me.

Archie, come here. Look.

[EDITH CHUCKLING]

I don't believe it.

What does this remind you of?

Did you remember to put
the garbage out this morning?

It's absolutely Lichtenrauch's
most positive statement,

and it's a steal for .

You're right, I must
have it. I'll take it.

Excuse me, pal, mind if I ask,

did I hear you say just now

you was gonna plunk
down $ for this here?

Certainly.

Why?

I'm a collector.

Collect...

Somebody in a white
coat oughta collect him

and deliver him
to a rubber room.

Oh, look at this one!

What is it, a sink?

Looks like half
man, half toilet.

[LAUGHING]

Oh... Where's my chair?

Look at this one!

Holy cow.

That's a little more
than whiplash, ain't it?

Oh, my, this is fun!

Oh, look, that one
over there ain't bad.

Don't leave me alone
in this joint, Edith.

See, that's nice, Archie.

Oh, gee...

Here it is.

It's all fixed up,
nothin' wrong with it.

This is my chair. My chair!

This is your chair?

This is my chair.

You're a genius! What style!

The antiquing of
the fabric is fabulous.

What did you use?

Schlitz.

Well, it's wonderful.

It's wonderful. It's wonderful.

Hi, Ma.

- Hi, Arch.
- Hi, Michael.

I see you found your chair.

We found the chair,
but how the hell...

[LOWERS VOICE]
- -how the hell am I

gonna get it from here
back out to Queens?

I borrowed a van, but I don't know if
we can take the chair off the exhibit.

You see, the
artist, Lichtenrauch,

he got it from
Kressler's junk pile

and he made it
into a work of art.

Archie's chair a work of art?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Stifle yourself!

He might even
put it in a museum.

No museum. It ain't
goin' no place but home.

Grab one end, let's
get it outta here.

- I don't think you can do that...
- Don't argue...

Quiet! Quiet!

Off! What's going on here?

What are you people doing?

Did you come in here
to browse or to brawl?

I come in here to collect my
property, whoever you are.

This here is my chair.

Take your hands
off my work of art

or I'll call the police!

Did you say this
was your work of art?

- Are you
Elvin Lichtenrauch?
- Yes. Who are you?

Let me explain,
Mr. Lichtenrauch.

You got this from a
junk pile by mistake.

This chair belongs to
these people over here.

Yeah, see, here's the receipt

from Kressler's
furniture repair.

Oh, brother. The minute
you make it to the top,

people come out of the
woodwork to rip you off.

Wait a minute.

Anybody's a ripper-offer
around here, it's you.

For the past years here,
this genuine, old-fashioned

wingback heirloom chair
has been sitting in my,

what do you call,
drawing room, huh,

until somebody come and
took it into this funhouse.

Do you realize that this chair

is gonna be part of
my one-man show

at the Museum of Modern Art?

Well, then my behind
is gonna be part

of your one-man show,

'cause my behind
belongs in that chair.

Elvin, they're here!

Excuse me. Elvin,
I just got a buyer

for your New
American Gothic Chair.

He offered us $ for it!

Well, tell him to forget it.

That man says that
that chair belongs to him,

and as far as I'm
concerned, he can keep it.

- You gotta
get that chair back.
- I'll dig up another chair.

The buyer will go for
the New American Gothic Chair,

and the New American
Gothic Chair includes that chair!

Just give him $ for his
cruddy chair and get rid of him!

All right. I'll try.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

I'm willing to pay
$ for your chair.

Fifty dollars? I'd
rather burn it first.

I can see you're a
shrewd businessman.

All right, one hundred.

What do you think, I was born...

- What day is today?
- Friday.

Yesterday?

Two hundred.

Two hundred.

Mr. Lickin...
- Lichtenrauch.
- Yeah.

See, we gotta get a new
chair to take its place,

and that would
cost at least $ .

All right, little lady.

Just for you: .

Oh, thank you.

$ ? I don't know, Edith.

Archie, it's really
an old chair,

and it broke once,
it's gonna break again.

Arch, for $ you can buy
a brand-new reclining chair

with invisible
fingers that vibrate.

I don't want no invisible
fingers in a chair...

I get enough of
them on the subway.

Look, Mr. Archie,
I can't stand here

all day haggling with you.
, take it or leave it, huh?

Why should I take that?
I mean, a chair like this,

well, it's kind of like a
girlfriend, you know?

Why trade in an old
one that's comfortable

for a new one that might
give you a pain in the butt?

All right, , okay?

That way you can get yourself a new
chair, and $ for your inconvenience.

Three hundred dollars.

Hold on.

Four hundred.

Oh, you got a deal.
Four hundred dollars?

- You got a deal.
- Oh, good.

Four hundred dollars,
buddy, you got it.

Hey, congratulations!

You just bought yourself
a beautiful chair here.

No, I mean it.

Get out of the way here.

And I mean not just
a work of art, see,

for this is a
chair for sittin' in.

Anybody can sit in that chair

and enjoy himself in
that chair, you know?

Took me years to put all these
personal indentations in this chair,

and I indented 'em in
here myself, you know?

I enjoyed it.

Oh, I tell you, the
times this chair has saw.

I mean, oh, watchin'
the TV, you know,

sporting events,
your bowl games,

your Super Bowl games there,

your World Series, your fights,

your wrasslin'...
Midget wrasslin'...

And your presidential elections,

two of them good,
the rest "what the hell,"

TV entertainment...

Hey, Milton Berle made
me happy in this chair.

And Lassie made
me sad in this chair.

And then... oh, Sammy Davis, Jr.

Sammy Davis, Jr. himself

sat in this chair
over at my house.

And my little girl Gloria
when she was little,

I give her her bottles
right in this chair.

Oh, the fun I had with
my little girl in this chair.

Yeah, so did I.

You are a person of very
little quality, you know that?

Not to mention my little
grandson Joey who I got, you know.

Joey... he played in this chair.

And he spit up in this chair.

Oh, yeah, over and over.

But you know, that's part

of why you call it
your antique, ain't it?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure gonna
miss this old chair.

I'm really gonna miss it.

Mr. Archie, you're not gonna
sell me that chair, are you?

I can't.

I can't sell it.
I can't sell it.

I'm awful sorry, the deal's off.

The deal's off, forget
about it, I'm sorry.

Hey, Meathead, come on,
before I change my mind,

grab the chair and
get it out of here.

- Help him with the chair.
- [EDITH AND MICHAEL TALKING]

Hey, hold it. Listen, listen.

You're a nice guy, sorry
to disappoint you there.

But hey, look...
You're an artist, right?

And you love
works of art like that,

you come out to my house, go
down to my cellar, you'll be delirious.

Well, listen, if you change
your mind, you let me know.

My address is Hauser Street

out in Astoria,
Queens... [INDISTINCT]

♪♪

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.