07x19 - Stretch Cunningham, Goodbye

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith, I'm home,
and I'm sore as hell.

There you are!

All right, all right, all
right, all right, all right.

How was your day?

My day was stinko.

And I'm hungry, Edith, so get
some dinner on the table, huh?

Yeah, sure. You're
gonna love it!

Oh, I bet I can
guess what it is, Edith.

Is it meatloaf?

How did you know?

Of course this ain't my day,
Edith, and I had meatloaf for lunch.

All right, forget about
it. Just serve it up.

Let's get it over with.

Oh, yeah, well,
you're gonna love it,

'cause this
meatloaf is different.

Instead of bread
crumbs, I used bran flakes.

You put bran flakes
into a meatloaf?

Yeah, they're good for ya.

Oh, jeez, Edith,
when you're cookin',

just concentrate on makin' the
food fit to go in, never mind goin' out.

Well, ain't you gonna ask me

why my day was stinko?

Yeah, sure. Why
was your day stinko?

Stretch's fault again.

Oh, Stretch Cunningham?

That's right. Stretch
Cunningham.

The most hot-blooded
white man I know.

There I am, Edith.

A brand new, big shipment
on the loading dock,

and I'm short-handed
anyway, you know,

and at that moment,
Stretch, see,

makes believe he's sick and
takes off on one of his matinees.

He went to the movies?

Edith, Edith. "Matinees."

I explained that word
to you once before.

You don't remember
"matinee," huh?

Playin' dirty doctor
in the afternoon.

You still don't get it, huh?

It's what normal,
decent people do

when they come home
at night and go upstairs.

Ohh.

Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.

Oh, Archie. Stretch
would never do that.

What are you talking about?

He does it every
chance he gets, Edith.

Eat your salad.
It's good ruffage.

Edith, at my age, I don't need
ruffage, I need smoothage.

And every time Stretch
does this, you see,

I'm the guy who's gotta
do his work for him.

I'm tired of him floozing
around, you know.

I mean, he gets all the fun
out of it. I get the backache.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it. Eat your salad.

I ain't gonna stop naggin'
you till you finish all of it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Hank. How are you?

No. He's in the kitchen,
dumping out his salad!

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness.
That's terrible.

What... what happened?

Oh, my.

Well, yeah. I'll tell him.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks for calling, Hank.

Bye.

So, who was that?

Archie... Stretch
Cunningham is dead.

What?

That was Hank Pivnik.
He called to tell us.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

What happened?

He had a heart att*ck.

Oh, over at the girlfriend's.

Oh, Edith, lots of guys get
heart att*cks right in the middle.

Oh, no.

Hank said he d*ed
in the doctor's office.

Oh, he crawled over there.

Oh, Edith. Jeez.

Archie, do you want to cry?

'Cause it's okay for a
man to cry if he wants to.

No, Edith. I don't want to cry.

The Reader's
Digest says it's okay.

Then let The
Reader's Digest cry.

Little condensed tears.

Archie, is it in the
morning paper?

Well...

There's a Cunningham
here in the oblituaries, Edith.

The name is Jerome, which...

Well, unless that was
his nickname, huh?

Oh, no. Stretch
was his nickname.

You might be right, Edith, yeah.

What the hell does this
mean here? "Fun serv pend."

Oh, that means "funeral
services pending."

Oh, gee.

One of these days, we're going
to open up the papers, Edith,

and we're going to see our names

with "fun serv pend" down there.

Oh, Archie, we
shouldn't talk like that.

We shouldn't even be sad.

If Stretch was here, he'd be
tellin' jokes, and making us laugh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Gee, he used to say

some funny things,
didn't he though?

Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS]

No, don't laugh too much.
Don't laugh too much.

Be polite. Be polite.

I'll tell you though, the
thing that makes me feel bad

is all the mean
things I was sayin'

about his matinees
and all of that, you know?

He could have been dead right when I
was complaini" about him, Edith, yeah?

Hey. Maybe he even heard me.

Oh, no. He couldn't
have heard you,

'specially if he was dead.

Dead is the time when a
spirit hears things, Edith.

Now, how do you
know that Stretch's spirit

ain't here right now, listenin'
to every word we say?

Right here, in this room.

But he lived in the Bronx.

His spirit didn't have
to stay in the Bronx.

Jeez, if you was his spirit,
would you stay in the Bronx?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Aah! Oh!

Oh, my goodness.
That was the door.

Of course, it's the door.

[KNOCK]

Oh, yeah. I'm coming.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, my.

Excuse me. Is this
the Bunker house?

Oh, yeah.

My name is Harry Moss.

I'm Stretch Cunningham's
brother-in-law.

Archie, Stretch
Cunningham's brother-in-law...

Yeah, I know. I heard,
I heard, I heard you.

Just step aside. Let
me take over here.

Yeah, I'm Archie Bunker.
How are you? Come on in.

Here, let me have
your coat. Thanks.

His coat... yeah, yeah.

Well, well, well.

Huh, Edith?

Yeah. Well, well, well.

[SIGHS]

We're awful sorry and all.

Jeez, he went like that. [SNAPS]

We didn't have chance to run
over there and say nothing to him...

It's too bad he didn't have
a lingering death, huh?

Yeah, well, come on in.

Come on in. Come on.
Just make yourself at home.

Just sit down, see? Thank you.

Oh, but not there.
Sit over here...

Oh, thank you.

You know, Stretch spoke of you

with great affection many times.

Oh, well, hey, listen.

I and all the boys down at work,

we was crazy about Stretch.

Yes, but you were one
of his favorite friends.

Well, listen. I'd do
anything for Stretch.

Yes, I know. That's
why I've come to ask

a very special favor of
you in Stretch's memory.

Oh? What kind of a favor?

Well, it seems that the family
finds itself in the position...

Oh, hold it, hold it.

You want me to
chip in for the funeral,

I mean bucks, maybe tops.

Oh, no, that's all
been taken care of.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yes.

Listen, I would've went to .

The family wanted me to
ask you if you would honor us

by saying a few
words at the funeral.

Saying a few words? Yes.

Me? Yes.

No. Yeah.

No. Yes.

No. Yeah.

No. And stay out
of this, will ya?

Harry, let me tell you...

I think Stretch would have
wanted it that way, Mr. Bunker.

Well, that may be,

but look, Harry, to
tell you the truth, uh...

See, I'm very different
from most people.

Death bothers me, you know?

The hole in the ground there,

the coffin, the
straps and the rollers,

and the thing
goin' down... and...

I can't get no joy
out of that, Harry.

Oh, Archie, do it for Stretch.

This might be the last chance
to do something nice for him.

Edith, I can't do it.

Archie, he might be
listenin' to us right now.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

Thank you,
Mr. Bunker. Thank you.

The funeral is at
noon on Sunday.

Here is the address. Thank
you and God bless you.

Good-bye. Wouldn't
you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, no, thanks. I still
have to pick out the coffin.

Ah, why couldn't
you say "container"?

Bye.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute! No,
no. Call him back, Edith!

Call him back. I
changed my mind.

I can't go through with it.

But why not?

Edith, Edith, I
can't... I can't...

All right, look at
it this way, Edith.

I ain't no good at this.

How would you like to see me

just louse up poor
Stretch's funeral?

Oh, Archie, you
ain't gonna do that.

You've been to lots of funerals.

I know. I know, Edith,

but I ain't never yet
delivered a urology.

Hey, Arch. Yeah?

I finished your eulogy for
ya. You're gonna love it.

Oh, gee, great. I was awful
worried about that. Let me see it.

Hey, this is one
time when it pays

to have a professor
in the family, huh?

Let's see what you got me here.

Ah. "Friends." Good.

"I have been asked to pay tribute to
my good friend Stretch Cunningham."

Good.

"For what is the
measure of a man..."

That's good.

"He comes into this
world torn naked...

from his mother's womb."

Good, huh?

Am I supposed to say this?

"Over the departed
remains," huh?

"To console the dearly
beloved remainders"?

"Torn naked from
his mother's womb"?

Well, what do you wanna say?

He was torn from his mother's
womb wearing a tuxedo?

Don't be making no
jokes. A man is dead...

[BOTH YELLING AT ONCE]

Wait a minute. Wait,
wait. I didn't want to do this.

It ain't that I don't appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but can't you put a little
religion into that thing?

Even though you
don't believe in it there.

You know what I mean? Just try
to sprinkle a few things in there.

"Lord" or "God." "Jesus"
in there, you know?

Arch, how do we know
Stretch was religious?

I don't care if he was or not.

Don't you understand?
He's dead now.

Dead is the time for religion.

Hey. You gotta sprinkle
some holy names in there

to let them know up there
that the good man is on his way.

Oh, you mean it's like
making a reservation.

Yes.

Why don't you send
'em a telegram?

Ohh.

You're gonna be
sorry for that, buddy.

You're gonna be very
sorry. Wait till you die.

Wait till you see how
disappointed you're going to be.

There ain't gonna be
no Bible for you there,

no coffin, no
services, no nothing.

I know. I'm going
to be cremated.

No. You're going to be minced.

And you're gonna be stuffed
into one of them intestinary cases

like a Polack sausage.

And they're gonna hang
you in the refrigerator,

'cause that's where you
spent the most of your life.

It won't make any
difference to me, Arch,

because I won't know it.

Oh, no, no. You won't know it,

but your immortal
soul will knoweth it

when it departeth from
your bodieth, buddy,

and it winds up
burnin' and bubblin'

in the fires and
brimstones of hell.

Which, of course, I know
you don't believe in hell.

That's right.

Let me ask you something.
I always wanted to ask you.

Did you ever in your life
tell anybody, "go to hell"?

Oh, don't give me a long story.

Give me a "yes" or "no." Yes.

Yes! Well, where'd you
want 'em to go, Disneyland?

Arch, that's just an expression.

Ohh, an expression.

Oh, buddy, wait till
you get down there,

and the devil and all his little
nimps are running around there

with their red-hot pitchforks, waiting
to stick 'em into your heiney there.

I want to be there when
you look the devil in the eye

and say, "I ain't
burnin' down here.

That's just an expression."

Boy, the devil's gonna
give you the hee-haw.

And, uh, Arch, you say that hell

is down there in the
bowels of the Earth?

Down in the bowels of the Earth,

where nobody livin' can find.

I don't know, Arch. Exxon's
drillin' all over the place.

They're bound to find it.

Keep on talking, buddy.

You're only making Him
madder and madder there.

You pointin' at God?

Just for a second.

Come on. Sit down
here and get to this thing.

Please put a little
religion in here.

Now, Stretch
needs it. He needs it.

That afternoon sinning
is the worst kind of all.

What? Do it, do it. Just do it.

But what am I supposed to write?

Oh, I'm gonna help
you. I'm gonna help you.

Here. Just a minute.

All right. Here's
the pencil, see?

Now, here's the Good Book.

[GROANS] What do you
want me to do with that?

Come on, atheist.
Don't be afraid of it there.

It ain't a booby-trap.
It's only the Bible.

There. Open it up. I'll bet
you find something good

on the front page.

You know, you're right?
There's something perfect.

What is it?

Placed here by
the Gideon Society.

Property of the Ramada Inn.

Archie, come on.

It's in here. It's late.

I don't wanna go right in.

I don't wanna go right
in. I can't go right in.

Oh, yes, you
can. I can't, I can't.

Archie, remember the story
of the little choo-choo train

that was trying
to get up the hill?

It kept saying, "I think I can,

I think I can, I think I
can." Stop that. Stop that.

Stop that. Stop it. And it did.

Every time you
tell me that story,

I wish to God I was
on that damn little train.

Come on. They're startin'.

[MAN CHANTS PRAYER]

Come on.

Come on, come on.
We made a mistake.

This is a funeral for
a Jewish guy here.

EDITH: But wait.
There's Mr. Moss.

Mr. Bunker, I'm
so glad you're here.

We're just about ready for you.

Here's your yarmulke.

[WHIMPERS] Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's going on, Edith?

I guess Stretch must
have been Jewish.

Stretch Jewish?

With a name like Cunningham?

Oh, well, Archie,
what's in a name?

A Jewish name ain't supposed
to have no "ham" in it, Edith.

I can't believe this. If
he was really Jewish,

why didn't he tell us, some
of his closest buddies?

It wouldn't have
made no difference.

Maybe he thought it would.

Friends, we are here
today to say farewell

to Jerome Cunningham,

beloved son of Heim Cohenheimer.

A close friend of
Jerome's is here today

to say some parting words.

Mr. Archie Bunker.

Wait a minute. Don't
forget your beanie!

Ouch!

Don't put your
foot in the aisle.

Um...

See, I, uh...

I had a... a speech
here to read,

but it's, uh...

It's got two or three
"Jesus's" in it here.

Not that... There's
nothin' wrong with that.

I mean, after all, Jesus
himself was a Jew,

till his father sat him down
and told him "No more of that."

But, even so, I...
I couldn't use it,

'cause it... it's got
"heavens" in there, too,

and I don't know if
Stretch believed in heaven.

And, uh... well, even if he did,

maybe he wouldn't
wanna go there,

because, uh...

Well, it's full of Christians
up there, you know?

And him bein' a Jew,
maybe he'd be scared

they'd be layin'
for him up there.

Uh... Well...

Uh, I worked shoulder
to shoulder with Stretch

for or years,
and I knew him good.

Well, not as good as I thought.

I mean, uh...

I wish I'da knew he was Jewish,

because, uh,

there was an awful
lot of remarks and jokes

passed around the
job there, you know?

Some of the other guys
was great for that, you know.

And not that
Stretch ever felt bad.

No, he was one of
them up guys, you know?

One of the uppest
guys you ever met, see?

He was always laughin',
tellin' jokes himself.

Many a Jewish joke he told.

Uh, like he told the one about
the priest said to the rabbi...

He told about the
priest said to the rabbi,

"How come you never eat no ham?"

And the rabbi says, "Well,
it's against my religion."

Then the rabbi
said to the priest,

"How come you never
go out with a girl?"

And the priest said, "Well,
that's against my religion."

And the rabbi said, "You
oughta try it. It's better than ham."

But...

I wouldn'ta believed that
Stretch was a Jew, you know?

'Cause, uh... I
mean, after all, uh...

I mean, he wasn't a doctor

or a lawyer or in
the dress business.

Nothin' like that.

I mean, he was just...
Like myself, he was just a...

A-a-an ordinary,
hard-workin' stiff, and...

well... oh.

Well... I mean... A
hard-workin' union man,

and... and you could never
tell that Stretch was Jewish

by lookin' at his face.

And I never seen nothin' else.

Well, I... I mean...

Um...

No, like a birth certificate,
or nothin' like that, you know?

Well, I'd better wind this up.

Uh, I heard it said that...

that the blues... You
know, havin' the blues

takes years off of your life.

And, if that's true,

then... it must be true that
laughin' puts years on...

On your life.

And, if that's true,

then Stretch put
some years on my life.

And, uh...

And you gotta love
a guy for doin' that.

So, uh...

Uh, Stretch... uh, Jerome...

Uh, unless you're
down at this end here...

I... I only wish that
while you was livin', and...

while you was livin'...

that, uh, I made you
laugh a little more.

Shalom.

[CRIES]

What are you cryin'
for? I wasn't that bad.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.