07x25 - Archie's Dog Day Afternoon

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All in the Family". Aired: January 12, 1971 - April 8, 1979.*
Watch or Buy on Amazon


Follows Archie & Edith a working class family living NY as they deal with everyday issues.
Post Reply

07x25 - Archie's Dog Day Afternoon

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[EDITH SINGING OFF-KEY]

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[DOG BARKING]

ARCHIE: Get away from me, dog!

[DOG GROWLING]

Get away from me!
Get away from me, dog!

Get the hell away!

- Archie, don't! You'll hurt him!
- Get outta here!

- I ain't hurtin' him.
- You was kickin' him.

I wasn't kickin' him.

Well, it looked like
you was kickin' him.

Well, I didn't kick him.

- Ohh!
- What's the matter?

I threw my back
out tryin' to kick him.

That's Barney
Hefner's dog again.

He's never home
on his own property.

Why the hell is he
always over here?

Maybe he's looking for a bone.

Sure, and the bone he's
looking for is buried in me.

Why me?

Well, because you keep
yelling at that poor dog.

Well, what the hell
am I supposed to do

when an animal's trying
to tear me apart, huh?

Whisper sweet
nothings in his ear?

Archie, you oughta
make friends with Rusty.

Dogs is man's best friend.

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- Oh...

My uncle's dog
was his best friend.

I'll never forget Sport.

I don't wanna
hear no dog stories.

No, Sport was my uncle.

They called your uncle Sport?

Yeah, 'cause he
wore pointy shoes

and owed a lot of people money.

What a classy family.

His dog's name was Franklin,

and one night... Don't go on!

It was in Los Angeles,

on account of they
lived in California...

On she goes.

One night Franklin,
that was the dog,

he was whinin' and howlin'

which was his way
of warning his master,

who was my Uncle Sport,

that there was gonna
be an earthquake.

So my Uncle Sport, he put on
his robe and his pointy shoes

and he ran out of the building

just as it started to shake.

Well, everybody that stayed
in the building was very safe,

including the dog Franklin.

But my uncle, well, he got hurt

'cause a sign fell on his head,

and the sign said, "Stay
indoors in case of earthquake."

Franklin the dog didn't
even know how to read,

but he was smart
enough to stay indoor...

Ohh, Archie! Don't do that!

I would rather croak than hear
you tell any more dog stories.

I'm fed up to here with
dogs and with Barney Hefner!

Oh, Archie, Barney
is a neighbor.

And they're ain't too
many left on the block

that's still talkin' to you.

Well, that's because
they won't give up on

all their crazy religious
and political ideas.

- [DOG BARKING, GROWLING]
- There he is again, barking.

See? And I'm in the house
now. What he hell does he want?

I wish we had a cat.

You hate cats.

I know, but I could ball it up

and throw it
nails-first at the dog.

Archie, I hate to see
you go to work mad.

Don't worry about it.

Mad is a requirement for
driving a cab in New York.

Now, look at that. Look at that.

You see what he's
doing out there? Huh?

Right on the front
walk. Ain't that beautiful?

Huh? Huh?

Some people got a Welcome mat...

You got a Welcome splat.

He can't help it!

Yeah, well, I know
who can help it, Edith.

I know who's
responsible for it, Edith.

And I know just what the
hell I'm gonna do with it, too.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna just
make a little delivery

to Barney's front porch.

Oh, no! Archie, don't do
that! Put it in the gutter!

Don't argue. Nothin's
gonna stop me now.

[DOG GROWLS]

Come here.

Stand over here now.

Now, just try to
restract his attention.

What do you mean?

Just tease and torment him

while I outflank him
out the back door.

I don't think you
should do that.

I know what to do. Don't think...
I know exactly what I'm doing.

Geez!

Unh!

You see what your
thinking does for me, huh?

- [TELEPHONE RINGS]
- Oh, there's the phone.

Now, get that phone.

Tell 'em none of the Bunkers
are here, we're all decreased,

we went last night
in a su1c1de pact.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Barney.

No, he ain't here.

Well, he's out...
makin' a delivery.

Oh, I'm sorry, Barney,

he can't go bowlin'
with ya tonight

'cause he has to
drive Mr. Munson's cab.

I don't think he'd go
anywhere... he's so mad.

No, I can't tell you
why he's mad, Barney.

But never mind, you'll find out.

♪ ...wouldn't buy
me a bow-wow... ♪

Excuse me, Barney,

there's somebody
singi" at the back door.

Yeah, good-bye.

- [ARCHIE SINGING]
- Archie!

That was Barney that called.

You mean already
he got my doggy bag?

Oh, no,

but he invited you to
go bowling with him.

- Oh, good, so he's
going out tonight.
- Yeah.

Yeah, good. He'll hit that
monument in about three strides.

Archie, that ain't nice!

Nice is for high society, Edith.
We're only the workin' class.

Archie, two grown-up
men that's best friends

shouldn't be fightin' over a
little sweet dog like Rusty!

Here, finish this dance
with Fred Astaire. I gotta eat.

I'm late now, that cab ought
be movin'. I'm losin' money.

And look at this. The
chicken soup here, it's ice cold.

Oh, it couldn't be that cold.

Then why are the noodles
clinging to each other for warmth?

I'll heat it up.

- [DOOR BUZZER]
- A-ha-ha-ha.

There's Barney now. I
know the furious of his bell.

Archie, please, whatever
you do, don't fight!

Just stay out of this.

Well, hello, Barney.
Hey, come right in.

Make yourself at home.
Don't be such a stranger.

Well, what brings that smile
to your pleasant moosh?

What can I do for ya, buddy?

You done plenty already, Bunker.

You put that poop on my stoop!

The poop belongs on your stoop,

and if you don't like it, I
got a suggestion for ya:

Have a serious
talk with your mutt

about his personal habits.

You know what you are, of
which there is nothing lower?

- An animal hater.
- I don't hate no animals.

I'll tell ya one animal
I don't like very much,

and that's a horse's read end.

I ain't talkin' about
nobody in particular,

I just look at the
offending party and whistle.

[WHISTLES]

That ain't funny.

Do you know that
you're breaking laws?

You're breaking about laws,

maybe even a dozen.

What laws?

Well, like you're aiding
and abetting an animal

to savagely att*ck people
without the benefit of a leash,

you're aiding and abetting
an animal to commit illegal toity

up and down the block here...

you're aiding and abetting an animal to
smuggle in fleas from lousy neighborhoods.

You're a criminal, Barney.

You're a kook, Arch.

Irregardless of that,

I could slap a
citizen's arrest on you.

Ha ha! A citizen's arrest.

You wouldn't even know how.

Don't you fool yourself,
buddy, I know how.

I know all about it.

Hey, Edith in there,
come on out here!

- I need a witness!
- Coming!

I seen a cabbie friend of mine
slap a citizen's arrest one time.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, he arrested
one of them Krishna Hari guys

who tried to pay his fare
with a song and a kiss.

- Get outta here.
- Oh, yes,

he smashed his tangerine
and hauled him in.

Here's the soup.

- How do you do, Barney?
- Hi, Edith.

Would you like some soup?

He ain't got no time for soup,

he's being arrested over here.

You've flipped your wig.

You ain't gonna make
any citizen's arrest.

No? You just watch me.

Now, Edith, you
pay attention to this.

Turn around and put your
hands up against the wall.

I think he means me, Edith.

Trying to make a
dope out of me, darling?

Oh, no.

Congratulations, Arch.

You just made your
first citizen's arrest.

Now I'm gonna make
my first citizen's escape.

I'm goin' bowlin'.

And if you don't want
my dog to bite ya,

keep your foot in
your own mouth...

Where it usually is.

Ha ha ha ha.

Still trying to be a
comedian, huh, Barney?

I got news for ya...
You ain't funny!

- MIKE: I thought he was funny.
- Get away from me, you!

Hey, Ma, I smelled your chicken
soup all the way across the alley.

- Well, you want a little?
- I'd rather have a lot.

Sure!

Look at this guy... he
can smell out anything.

If I had a nose like
yours I'd rent it to the FBI.

He's in a bad mood today, Mike.

He and Barney Hefner's
dog ain't seein' nose-to-nose.

You ain't kiddin'.
The dog is a k*ller.

It's a sweet, gentle dog.
Joey plays with him all the time.

You better be careful... little
Joey'll start acting like a dog.

What?!

Yeah, the other Tuesday I
was doin' coochi-coo with him

and he bit me.

You know, you
might be right, Arch.

Yesterday I was scratching Joey on
the stomach and he started doin' this.

You know, I have never, ever heard
you say one nice thing about an animal.

You want me to say something
nice about an animal, I will now.

I'll say something
nice about a goldfish.

A goldfish?

Yes, a goldfish.

A goldfish is a
beautiful animal.

And the only worthwhile
pet to have around the house.

And you know why?

A goldfish never has to
be walked around the block,

a goldfish never keep you
up half the night barking,

a goldfish never gets
his hairs all over the sofas,

and the the best thing
about a goldfish is that

long before you get
tired of him, he dies.

Ain't you gonna eat
that soup with a spoon?

Archie, it's time to go to work.

Yeah, go ahead, eat it up.

The soup is all
you're gonna get,

as the frigid wife
said to the Italian.

Archie, please drive careful

and be nice to your customers.

Union rule says I only have to drive
them. Beyond that, to hell with 'em.

Now, wait a minute.

I wanna make sure I ain't gonna
be ambushed by Fangs again.

Rusty.

(mimicking): "Rusty."

Now, wait a minute. Shhh...

- I don't see him nowhere.
- All right.

If you run quick, you
can get into your cab.

Keep your voice down.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

- [CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
- ARCHIE: I'm in.

[DOG BARKING]

I fooled you that
time, alligator-face.

Good-bye, Archie!

Get away from there, Rusty.

[DOG GROWLING AND BARKING]

[CAR ACCELERATES, DOG SQUEALS]

Oh! Rusty!

[DOG SQUEALING]

Ohh, my!

Ma, what happened?

Archie's cab backed up
into Barney Hefner's dog!

Can I have your chicken soup?

How can you talk about
chicken soup at a time like this?

Not for me, for the dog!

Oh, yeah, hurry up.

Rusty's gonna be fine.

The doctor's setting
his leg right now.

It won't take long. Why
don't you sit down and wait?

Thank you very much.

- Come on.
- Sit down and wait. Sheesh.

This thing is costing
me a night's work.

The night is the big-money
shift, ya know, Edith,

all the big spenders
there, the big tippers.

You got all them
rich business guys

with their secretaries
in the back seat,

tip you big not to look at them.

Some of them tip you big
to look at them. Heh heh.

You got your out-of-towners,

your hicks, your foreigners...

They tip us cabbies big
'cause they're scared of us.

Heh heh heh heh.

Archie, think of the poor dog.

Rusty was in such pain.

Oh, lay off, will
ya? Don't rub it in.

We're doing the best we
can to get him repaired

before Barney comes
home from bowling.

And then you're gonna tell Barney
everything that happened, right?

Edith, I can't. Barney is never
gonna believe it was an accident there.

Well, I'll tell him that it was.

He ain't gonna
believe you neither.

The only person in the world
he's gonna believe is the dog.

How you gonna get the truth
out of a dog that hates me?

Well, you never can
tell. Animals is very smart.

I read once that they
can make porpoises talk.

Oh, Edith. I mean,
there's a big difference

between Barney's dumb
mutt and a porpoise,

a highly intelligent bird.

Look at this!
- What?

Memorial Pet Cemetery.

I don't wanna listen.

"Remember us... She
makes me listen anyway.

"when the Big Trainer in the sky

whistles for your best friend."

Big Trainer in the sky?

Ohh...

Oh... oh... oh!

Ain't that a lovely
way to put it, Archie?

Why do so many things that
strike you lovely give me the creeps?

[WOMAN WHIMPERING]

[WHIMPERING CONTINUES]

Uh, hey, lady, uh...

I couldn't help notice that
you got a bird there, huh?

That's Andre.

Oh... that there is Andre.

Yeah.

Hello, Andre.

Might I ask you, uh...

why ain't Andre flyin'?

He isn't well today.

Oh, Edith.

Andre ain't well today.

That's a shame.


Yeah. Must have got struck up with
the jaundice, he looks very yellow.

He's a canary.

Oh, that's a canary.

Oh.

I think he give his
last concert there.

Don't say that!

Well...

as another bird
lover I gotta tell ya,

you gotta be ready
for them things,

like when the little fella
turns over on his back

and puts his two
claws up like that...

[WHIMPERING]

That's if he's lucky
enough to die of a disease.

I mean, sometimes they
get the life scared out of them,

like by a snake or a cat,
and then trying to escape,

then their wings go
out like that with shock!

Aaaah!

But I tell ya, either way,

don't blow no dough on
one of them pet cemeteries.

You just get yourself a
little Diamond matchbox.

You put him in there,
and then when it's dark

you bury him in
a neighbor's yard.

Here we go, Rusty.

Oh, there's Rusty!
Oh... Is he okay?

Oh, yes, he's just fine.

You've got a very
brave little fella here.

Well, what's the damage, Doc?

Just a slight
fracture of the tibia.

I meant the
damage to the wallet.

Oh, uh, give Mr. Bunker
his bill, please.

Now, you give
this dog lots of love.

- Oh, we will.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

well, we love him
very much there.

- Why don't you pet him, sir?
- Oh, me? Oh, yeah, sure.

[GROWLS]

- See, he hates
this watch style.
- I see.

Well, good luck. Next, please.

Say, Mrs. Canary, you
oughta get yourself a goldfish.

[CRYING]

Here's your bill, Mr. Bunker.

Thank you, thank you.

Check will be in the mail
tomorrow there, yeah.

Well, that ain't too bad.

Nineteen dollars and
seventy-seven cents.

Oh, no, Archie, that's the year.

Oh, gee... what
the hell is the tariff?

It's under your thumb.

- There. $ . - $ . ?!

For one dog's leg?!

For that money I know where
you can buy eleven dogs!

Oh, geez, Edith.

Well, come on, let's
go home, Archie.

- Barney's gonna be
so happy to see Rusty!
- Are you kiddin'?

He's gonna be wild when he sees
the splinter on that dog's leg there!

Oh, yeah.

How you gonna explain
that to him, Edith?

Oh, no, Archie!

- EDITH: No, I can't do that.
- ARCHIE: Don't argue with me.

- Edith, don't argue with me!
- No!

Edith, will you be a
wife, do me a favor?

All I'm askin' ya to do is set him
down here and let him run home.

On this bad leg?

No, on his three good ones.

Archie, that's the coward's way.

And I know the coward's
way ain't your way.

Sometimes it is, Edith.

- [DOOR BUZZER]
- Oh, that's Barney!

- There's your dad!
- Listen, listen,
get the dog out of sight.

- Don't hold him out here.
- But Barney has to know!

Let me warm him up to
it in my own way, will ya?

Let me think of something slick.

- [BUZZER]
- Coming, there!

Coming there. [GROANS]

- That's you out there,
huh, Barney?
- BARNEY: Yeah, it's me.

Ah, hell. [WHIMPERS]

- Okay. Yeah, come on in.
- Hi, Arch.

What took you so long?

I didn't know what you
was one of them moochers

coming along collecting
for a new disease.

As if we ain't got enough
trouble with the old diseases.

Well, I just come over to say

that I'd like to forget
everything that happened today.

Oh, geez, Barney, so would I.

I mean, I would, yeah.

After all, Arch,
we are neighbors.

Hey, more than that!
We're Lodge brothers.

BOTH: And when the
kings of Queens give the grip

our secrets never slip the lip!

- Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
- Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

- Sit down, Barney.
- I'll sit down here.

No, no, not there, in my chair.

Oh ho, that's an honor.

No, listen, I'm glad
to be able to tell ya

that I should have been a
helluva lot more understanding.

I mean, I coulda took the
dog's-eye view, you know?

When a pooch has gotta toity,

you can't expect him
to slip into a public john

and put a dime in the slot
and sit down there, you know?

And, you know,
Rusty's such a cute dog.

To know Rusty is
to love him, Arch.

I mean, when he sits
up and begs like this,

when he fetches, and
when he plays dead...

I seen him do that today, yeah.

No kiddin'?

Barney, but what I
gotta tell ya is that

you hadn't oughta
let him run loose,

because it's very
dangerous in the streets.

- Out in traffic, you mean.
- Yeah, suppose he come back
out of his driveway

- and run into a cab.
- Huh?

What I mean to say
is, wouldn't it be terrible

if little Rusty got
k*lled by a car?

Oh, don't say that. I
couldn't live without Rusty.

Well, I know, you know,

I mean, it'd be a lot better if
he busted his leg, wouldn't it?

Well, it'd be a lot
better than gettin' k*lled.

Sure, sure, because, you know,

they sh**t a horse for that,

but, you know, a dog,
one of them busted tribias,

you could get a vet to
fix that up for $ , huh?

I guess you could.

What I mean is,
that would be good.

- Yeah.
- And you could be happy
with that.

Yeah... Yeah.

- You run over my dog,
didn't ya?!
- Who told ya, Barney?

- You busted his leg!
- You said you'd be
happy with that!

I'd be happy busti"
both your legs!

- Don't get excited!
- Where is my dog?!

Here he is! Here's Rusty.

Hello, sweetheart, baby.

Are you all right?

- How did this happen?!
- An accident happened,
that's all.

But Archie rushed him to the
dog hospital as fast as he could!

I drove like hell. I nearly
clipped another dog on the way!

But I want to tell
you something,

and boy, you get
excited with me,

you know, this
is all your fault.

- Mine?
- Yes, Barney, yours,

for turning the dog loose.

You endangered his life there,

you as good as threw him
under the wheels of my cab.

Now, you think
about that, Barney.

Yeah, you're right, Arch.

But look, if I lock up the house
and keep him tied up in the yard

- he's gonna cry all day.
- Yeah, he's lonesome.

Sure, he's lonesome.
You gotta stay with him.

- I gotta work!
- He needs company.

Yeah, get him something
to keep him company,

something quiet, like a turtle.

Archie, a turtle wouldn't
be no fun for Rusty.

He needs another dog.

- Oh, no, no.
- Good idea, Edith,
another dog.

Barney, listen, if
you gotta do that,

make sure it's a boy dog.

A boy dog'd fight
with him, Arch.

Well, I think you know what
a girl dog's gonna do with him.

- Yeah, have babies!
- Yeah, you don't want that.

Right, Edith! Good idea!

And since it is your idea,

when Rusty has puppies, I'm
gonna give you the pick of the litter!

- Oh, no! No!
- I am! You deserve it!

[ALL TALKING]

- I'll find a wife
at the pound.
- Barney! Barney!

Come on, baby.

I was readin' an article about
the animal populations there,

there's millions of
pets explodin', Barney!

Oh, Archie!

A puppy, a puppy!

[GIGGLING]

Now I'm gonna have to run
out and buy a big muzzle.

For the little puppy?

No, Edith, for you.

♪♪

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.
Post Reply