08x03 - Cousin Liz

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

It's nice.

It stinks.

I hate motels.

What was that
creepy desk clerk

whispering
into your ear there?

Oh, he asked me
if we was gonna use

the room for more
than an hour.

Oh...

I wonder why
he asked me that.

'Cause whenever we
check into a motel,

you stand around
looking dopey.

"Call front desk
if you wish to see

today's adult film
presentation."

Forget that!
Forget that.

Today's movie is
Goldilocks and the Three Bares.

Look at the way
they spelled "bears." B--

A-R-E-S.

Oh, what a view
for the $ we gave 'em.

Is it pretty?

Oh, it's breathtakin',
Edith--

two Pintos and a Toyota.

We better get ready
for the funeral.

Here's your tie.

Oh, I better
fix my face first.

Well, don't rouge it up
too much, Edith.

You ain't
the guest of honor.

I sure hope it ain't
one of them

open-casket
affairs, you know?

'Cause I--I hate
lookin' at somebody

who ain't
lookin' back at me.

And then, too, you never
know what they're thinkin',

you know, Edith?

How could
they be thinkin'?

Edith, don't try
to make sense

out of every little thing
I say to you, huh?

You're married to a guy

that has a lot of deep
thoughts, you know?

And maybe they're
too deep for you,

so don't try to get
down here with me.

I just can't believe
that Cousin Liz is gone.

That's another thing.

Why do people always say
they can't believe

that so-and-so is gone,

like it's some kind
of big surprise?

I mean, everybody's
gotta go, Edith.

I mean, we gotta go.

I mean, you gotta go today,
maybe me later on.

But it's so sad.

Oh, well,
I'll give you that.

Yeah, Liz was
a beautiful girl,

and the nicest relation
in your family.

Always said she was
the one good egg

in a barrel
of rotten apples.

Poor Liz.

She was so beautiful.

It's too bad
she never got married.

She didn't have any fun.

Well, listen, Edith,

not every girl can be
as lucky as you, you know?

And being so beautiful,
you know,

she could have
probably got herself
a wonderful fella.

For instance, uh, I don't
suppose I ever told you this,

but, uh, like me,

I once had
a kinda crush on Liz.

Oh, really?
Well, yeah.

What'd you do about it?

I kissed her.

Oh.

Is that all?

Yeah, she wouldn't
do nothin' else.

You know, I hate black,

like they got in this
"funererial" suit here.

Oh, you look nice in it.

Oh, gee, oh, look,

oh, oh, look at this.
Look at this.

You remember
where I wore that last?

Oh, yeah, Stretch
Cunningham's funeral.

Yeah.

That's--that's
your beanie.

This ain't a beanie.

You know what
the Jews call this?

A Yamaha, Edith.

Poor old Stretch,

and everybody down at work
loved Stretch so, you know,

and we never got
a chance to tell him.

It's too bad
we don't know in advance

when people
are gonna pass away.

Oh, gee, "pass away"?

That's another one
of them words

that I hate, you know?

"Pass away," that's
for the gas

from those poops here,
you know?

But people die.
Die, it's a good word.

Can't you say "die"?

Oh, no.

Well, if it's too rough
for you,

then pick out something
a little more softer,

like, for instance,
"croak."

You can say that,
can't you? Say it.

Croak.

Yes.

If we knew in advance when
people are gonna...croak,

then we could
say goodbye to them,

and tell 'em
how wonderful they are.

By the time we say
what we ought to say,

it's too late
to say it.

Oh, jeez, oh, jeez.

Look at this here.
Look at this.

Oh, it's a spot.

Here,
I'll get it out.

Archie?
Yeah, what?

You're wonderful.

You don't have
to tell me that.

I--I wanted to tell ya

before it's too late.

Thank you very much,
Edith,

and I wanna tell you somethin'
before it's too late.

Yeah?

Get the spot
out of the tie, huh?

Look at your nail.

Don't replace the spot
with a hole, please.

Oh, you notice
the Gideon's Bible
here, Edith?

Know what that's for?

That's so the people can
watch all the dirty movies,

and repent after.

Wouldn't it be nice
if Stretch Cunningham

and Cousin Liz
met up in Heaven?

Oh, I think they'd
like each other.

What good
would it to them?

What do you mean?

'Cause when
they're up in Heaven,

they ain't got nothin'
to do nothin' with,
you know?

Ain't you never seen
pictures of angels

flying around
in the churches there?

The only parts they got
is the wings, see?

The rest of them
is smooth.

That's another reason
the angels ain't ashamed
to fly around naked.

I wanted to ask you,

how long was that Cousin Liz
of yours teaching school?

Oh, a long time--
, years.

That's what I thought,

so she must have saved
a lot of money, you know,

and you being her closest
living relation there,

you know, if you're
following my meaning.

Oh, Archie, I don't wanna
talk about that now.

Edith,
all I'm sayin' to you

is that you stand
to collect here, you know?

I mean, maybe she stashed
away a boodle of dough there

for her old age, which
she ain't gonna have now

because she d*ed.

She didn't have
much money, Archie.

What do you mean?
What expense could she have?

All them years
sharin' that apartment

with the other old maid
school-teacher,

Veronica whosis.

Well, that's why
they had to share it,

'cause they was teachers.

Teachers don't
make much money.

Look at Mike.

Don't make me think
of him and a corpse

in the one day,
will ya?

We better go.

Yeah, yeah,
here's your coat there.

Hey, you know what
just crossed my mind?

I bet we're the first
man and woman

that ever rented
this motel room
to put clothes on.

Come on, Archie.

Yeah, well,
wait a minute.

I gotta do somethin'
first here, Edith.

What are you
doing that for?

I don't want
them to think

there's anything
wrong with us.

Go on.

Ain't you got
enough of that?

Let her have
what she wants.

Old people
throw up, Edith.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

Thank you very much,
thank you.

Well, well, well,
Veronica.

Jeez, you and Liz,

you had a nice
little apartment here.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Come on, Edith,
come on.

Sit right down here.
You could move.

Uh, thank you.

I'll speak to you later,
Mr. Arnold.

It was a lovely funeral,
Veronica.

Thank you, Edith.

Everybody seemed
to enjoy it.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.

She looked so beautiful,
didn't she, Archie?

Yeah, the funeral must have
cost a bundle, huh?

Oh, well, uh,
yes, it did, Archie.

That's what
I was afraid of.

See, that cuts down
on the remaining cash, Edith,

which is
where you come in.

Uh, Archie, the Teacher's Union
insurance paid for it.

Oh, then it was
worth every cent.

Veronica, I really must go.

Oh, excuse me
for just a minute.

Yeah, yeah,
go ahead, go ahead.

Well, there better
be some cash, Edith,

'cause I don't see
nothin' around here

that we could use use,
you know,

barring the / "
color TV over there

with the remote control
and the magic-eye tuner there,

and the hi-fi I see
over in the corner.

Archie, we shouldn't
talk about that now.

Anyway, some of these things
must belong to Veronica.

The only thing I see
that's coming to me

is that silver
tea set there.

Ain't it beautiful?

Yeah, if you like tea.

It's been in our family
for years.

I know it's old,

but still it's gotta
be worth something.

See, originally it belonged
to my great grandmother

on my mother's side,

and when
my great grandmother

on my mother's side
got married,

she got it
as a wedding present

from my great grandfather's
brother on my father's side,
All right, Edith.

and then when my
grandmother passed away
Edith.

she left it to Cousin Liz's
mother on my mother's side,

and that broke
my mother's heart.
Edith,

I'm gonna
take my life, Edith.

I'll take my life, Edith.

...from my grandmother
on my mother's side,

so Aunt Lucy prom--

Oh, Archie, Archie,
don't do that.

I ain't interested
in the silver tea set
there, Edith.

You're the next of kin.
It'll come to you.

When you get it,
you turn it over for $ .

Oh, it's worth
more than that.

Ah, $ . .

No, that must be worth
at least $ , .

Two thousand doll--
get outta here.

Mm, sure.

That's real, antique,
sterling silver.

That's worth a fortune
these days,

but I ain't gonna
sell it, Archie.

It's gonna stay
right in the family

where it belongs.

There's a trip
to California on that tray.

Uh, Edith, excuse me.

I wonder if I could
speak to you

privately for a minute.

Oh, sure.
Excuse us, Archie.

Oh, that's all right.
Yeah, I'll just mingle

with the mourners
a little bit, yeah.

Say, you don't wanna
fool with that.

That's very, uh,
valuable silver there.
Yeah, sure.

Get away from that.

Oh, ain't this lovely?

Thank you.

Was this Liz's room?

Well, this was
our room, Edith.

Oh, you shared
the same bedroom.

We shared everything.

Would you sit down
please, Edith?

Thank you.

Uh, Edith, um,

I couldn't help overhearing
the conversation

between you and Archie
about Liz's silver tea set.

Oh, it's beautiful,
ain't it?

Yes, it is.
It gave us such pleasure.

I'm so glad.

Every afternoon after school,

we'd spend a leisurely hour
having tea,

and no matter what,

we always had that hour
that belonged to just us.

Oh, that's nice.

And, uh, I know
it's very valuable,

but it means
so much to me.

I was wondering if...

if maybe I could keep it?

Oh, well, I don't know.

I--I'd see that it
gets back into your family.

It's been in my family
for years.

See, originally it belonged
to my great grandmother

on my mother's side,

and when she was married
it was a wedding present

from my great grandfa--

Oh, I'm sorry, Veronica.

I didn't mean
to upset you.

Edith...

Your cousin Liz
and I were...

very fond of each other...

extremely
fond of each other.

Oh, I know...

we was, too.

No, um, you see, we...

we--we loved each other.

I know.

We loved
each other, too.

I can remember when
we was kids in school.

We was like sisters.

Uh, no,
this wasn't like that.

We loved each other...

...in a different way.

Oh, what way?

Uh, well, this was...

...more like a marriage.

A marriage?

Oh, but it couldn't be.

I mean, you and Cousin Liz
was both gi--

Oh.

Oh.

You mean that
you and Cousin Liz--

Yes.

Oh.

We had a happy,
wonderful life together,

marvelous years.

Oh.

Oh, uh, that's good.

I wonder why she
never mentioned it.

Well, people don't wanna
hear about those things.

I mean, do you think
that we would have been

allowed to continue to work
as school teachers?

Well, why not?

I mean, that don't affect
the brain, does it?

Oh, oh, Veronica,

I wish you hadn't
told me about this.

So do I.

Oh, no,
I didn't mean that.

I mean it's so sad.

It must have been
terrible lovin' somebody

and not bein' able
to talk about it.

I--You can have
the tea set.

I mean, it belongs to you.

You're really
her next of kin.

Oh, thank you, Edith,
thank you.

[KNOCK]

Oh, uh, hey, Veronica,

the guests seemed
to wanna leave,

so I told 'em
to go ahead.
Oh.

Edith,
you know somethin'?

You were right,
that's very valuable.

I turned it upside down,

it says "silver"
underneath there.

You know what you are?
You're a "hairess," Edith.

Huh? Hey--

♪ California,
here I come ♪

Oh, no, Archie, no,

we ain't goin'
to California,

'cause we ain't takin'
the tea set, Archie?

Huh?

We ain't
takin the tea set.

I'm gonna let
Veronica keep it.

Why?

Because she
deserves it.

Edith, you're Liz's closet
living relation.

Veronica was even closer.

Sharin' the rent
ain't thicker than blood.

No, see, Veronica
was closer to Cousin Liz

than me
or anybody else.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Veronica--Veronica
ain't even family.

It's--it's like to me,
you're family.

Certainly I'm family.

You and me is married,
Edith.

Well, Veronica
and Cousin Liz was...

...like married.

Are you tellin' me that
Liz and Veronica was...

That beautiful girl
that I kissed?

Liz was a les?

No.
Yeah.

No.
Yeah.

No.
Yeah.

No!

Yeah.

Edith, you must have
got something wrong,

you heard something wrong,
you got mixed up some way

in this conversation
you was havin' in there
with Veronica.

Did you once hear
the word "q*eer"?

Shh!

You'll embarrass her.

Embarrass her?

What about me?

How do you think I feel
knowing a "devieration"

like that was running around
on your side of the family?

But now that I think
of that girl Les--

Liz.
Same thing,
same thing.

No wonder when I kissed her
she wouldn't do more.

And you want me to fix her up
with poor Stretch in Heaven.

She ain't even
gonna go to heaven!

Archie, Veronica
and Cousin Liz

loved each other
like you and me.

Oh, jeez...
Don't say that!

Like you and--
Like you and me?

Oh, Lord, help me.

You are so "nave"
about these things.

I mean, don't you understand

that there's a hell
of a difference, huh,

in love and...sex...

between people who have
the same and different hoo-nee?

Oh, Archie, that part don't
have nothin' to do with it.

That part has everything
to do with it, that part!

Turn around and
march yourself in there,

and you pick up your silver.
Let's go home to New York.

No, I ain't gonna
do that, Archie.

You mean you're gonna
disobey your husband?

Yeah.

Case closed.

Well, we'll
just see about this.

What are you gonna do?
Archie, wait--

Say, uh, Veronica,
hold it there a minute.

Now, look, I don't wanna
get into nothin' personal
with you at all.

All I wanna say to you
is that silverware over there

is legally the property
of my wife here.

She gave it to me,
Archie.

Well, I don't think she knew
what she was doin',

and, uh, I think we can
have this whole thing

settled in a court there.

Oh, no!

Shh. I think a judge--
a judge-- a judge

ought to decide who gets
that silver, huh?

I don't have to do that.

Well, if I bring it
into court you gotta do it.

Why don't we let
a judge decide that?

I can't do that.

Why can't you do that?

Because I might
lose my job.

What's your job got to do
with the silverware over--

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Certainly,

because the judge wouldn't
wanna hear nothin'

about this, uh,

"candlestine" romance
goin' on here.

Oh, yes, you could get
into a lot of trouble, there.

I could get her
in a lot of trouble.

Archie,
you wouldn't do that.

Well, she put
the idea in my head.

Why wouldn't I do that?

But didn't you hear her?

She said she could
lose her job.

Who the hell wants people
like that teachin' our kids?

I'm sure God don't.
God's sitting in judgment.

Well, sure, he is,

but he's God.
You ain't.

Archie, listen,
you wouldn't wanna
be the cause

of somebody
losin' their job.

Oh, I don't know.

Archie, she's all alone
in the world now,

and she's got nobody
to take care of her
like I have,

and she can't help
how she feels.

And she
didn't hurt you,

so why should you
wanna hurt her?

Archie, I can't believe
you'd do anything that mean.

[IMITATES EDITH]

You stay here.

All right, Veronica,

don't worry, we ain't
gonna take ya into court.

And we ain't takin'
the tea set neither.

Couldn't you wait?

And we ain't takin'
the tea set neither.

But I gotta tell ya
one thing.

I can't understand
youse people at all.

I mean, why don't youse all
just...stop that?

You're a good-lookin' woman.

Why don't you
go out and get yourself
a good-lookin' guy there,

and turn yourself around?

Now, that is my advice to you,
if you don't mind.

No, I don't mind.

Thank you, Archie.

Well, there, didn't you get
somethin' out of that?

Oh, maybe I done some good
around here after all.

I think I got her
back on her tracks.

Eh, but you. You.

Ruin a trip
to California that way.

You can always say
the one dumb thing

that forces me to make
a dumb move.

Oh, it wasn't dumb, Archie.

You done the right thing,
and I'm so proud of you.

Oh, save it
for the motel, will you?

What's this for?

It's sugar tongs.

Oh, is that
what that is?

Could-- could this
be used for ice?

Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, yeah.

Well, she ain't
gonna miss this.

Oh! Oh!

ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.