08x04 & 08x05- Edith's 50th Birthday (1)(2)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SHOUTING]

Why do I have to go
over there now?

The party ain't
gonna be--
Shh!

The party ain't gonna be
till six o'clock.

Why do I have to
go over there?

Because I'm afraid
if I leave you here

you're gonna spill the beans
and Ma will find out!

I ain't gonna
spill nothin'.

I ain't thinkin'
about these things.

If you hadn't reminded me
there a minute ago,

I wouldn't have remembered
it was your mother's birthday.

Sure. Why should this year
be any different
from any other year?

Well, uh...shut up.

When she walks in,
if she's not surprised

I'm gonna know
you told her.

Lemme tell you somethin'.

All these things give
me one big pain
in the heinie there.

The birthdays,
the Mother's Days,

the Father's Days,
the Christmas,

and all these things
are invented by two guys

to sell cards.

Karl and Marx.

You remember where
you heard that.

And look at this.
Ain't that pretty?

Bloomin' outta
the ice box there.

Why don't you get
all the way in there?

Get in all the way!

- Go on, get in there!
- Daddy!

Are you crazy?!

What's the matter
with you?!

I just wanted an apple.

Look what he was
rootin' in there for,

- my apple.
- You want a bite?

Not after ya licked it.

Pipe down
and pay attention.

When Ma
comes downstairs,

I'm gonna say
"Happy birthday,"

but don't you
say anything.

You gonna say
"Happy birthday"?

You're gonna
blow the whole surprise

in your surprise party.

No, no, no.

Don't you see?
She expects me to
wish her a happy birthday

because it's something
that I always do.

But it's something
that you never do,

do she doesn't
expect it from you.

Now, if I don't
say anything

when she expects me
to say something

because you don't
want me to,

then she's gonna know
something's up

because I haven't
said anything
when I should have.

And if you say something,
which is what I don't
want you to do,

when you're supposed to
and you shouldn't have,

then Ma's gonna know
something's up

because you said
something.

Don't you see?
Don't you understand?

You get more like
the old lady every day.

Do you remember how
you're supposed to get
Ma over to our house?

Yeah, sure,
grab her by the ankle
and drag her over there.

- No, no, no!
- Don't do that!

You could hit a nerve there
and make somebody
go cock-eyed.

[EDITH SINGING "MOON RIVER"
IN DISTANCE]

Oh, geez, there she is--

the great singin' star
Beverly Stills herself.

Now, you stay here
and dummy up.

Don't tell me what to do!

- [SINGING]
- GLORIA: Happy birthday, Ma!

- Happy birthday!
- Thank you, Mike.

♪ You heartbreaker... ♪

You're breakin' my heart, Edith.
And my ear drums, too.

Don't you want to
wish me something, too?

Certainly. I wish you
wouldn't sing no more.

Oh, Archie!

Don't you know
what day this is?

Yeah, it's Saturday.

No,
it's something else
besides Saturday.

Oh, yeah, I remember.
Shut up. [RASPBERRIES]

Oh, my work, how time
has flew. I remember.

This is the first day
of National
Spay the Cat Week.

Oh. If you don't know
what day it is,

- I ain't gonna tell ya.
- Okay, Edith,

I'll spend the rest of the day
tryin' to figure it out.

Surprise party.

Youse are the ones
who are gonna be surprised

- when she finds out.
- Why?

Because your mother's
gonna wet her pants.

- Daddy!
- Don't hit there!

It ain't my fault

every time
she gets excited

she loses her grips
over everything.

Daddy, listen to me.

I don't wanna listen
to nothin'.

Why don't you go home
and hang out the decorations

and get out the food before
all the freeloaders arrive?

You could've come over
and helped, you know?

I helped. I sent out all
the invitations, didn't I?

Yeah.

Did big fat Ethel Torkelson
RSBVD yet?

She's can't come.
She's sick.

Good. She aged
like a gorilla.

I hope you didn't
go behind my back

and invite bigmouth
Sybil Gooley.

No, I didn't,
but if she finds out

that we're giving Ma a party
and she's not invited,

she'll never speak
to us again.

Oh, jeez, only one way
to keep that woman
from speaking again.

- How?
- Push her off a bridge.

Okay, now,
here's the plan.

Don't hit.

That's not a hit.
This is a hit.

God! Ouch.

Now, listen to me.
You tell Ma you're
comin' over to baby-sit Joey.

- Baby-sit Joey.
- And that's she's to
pick you up at o'clock,

- I know.
- and that you're taking
the two of you out to dinner.

Then when she walks in
the front door,

we all holler, "Surprise!"

And that's when your mother
wets her pants.

Don't do that!

Will you tell her
to stop this here?!

Gloria, stop it.

Didn't work.

Jeez, you are pitiful,
do you know that?

Arch, did you get Ma
a present?

Yeah, certainly
I got her a present.

She's my wife, ain't she?

What did I get her,
little girl?

A beautiful cardigan sweater.

I know something
she could use more.

- What?
- Rubber pants.

You're not funny!
You're not funny!

Let's go, come on.

Don't forget to bring over
your punchbowl.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute!

You got a punchbowl
of your own.

I give you your anniversary,
set me back $ .

Yeah, we use it
for Joey's goldfish.

For the goldfish?

You got a cent fish
livin' in an $ bowl?

That's like you
living at the Waldorf.

- Lemme tell you somethin'.
- Awright, hurry up.

- Why must you always--
- I can't wait.

Hey, Edith,
why must them two
always be over there?

Don't you know I'm sick
of looking at them?

What are you
gonna do today?

I'm going over
their house.

I gotta baby-sit
till o'clock.

They're going to the store
or something, see?

What are you doing here?

I'm making a cake.

Don't be doin' that.

It's my birthday
today.

You don't wanna do that.

Today is my birthday,
remember?

Yeah, I can remember,
but I don't like to
remember birthdays.

Sorry, Edith,
but you know birthdays
give me the blues.

Oh, don't be blue.

Come on, cheer up,
be happy.

Now, don't be silly.

We ain't
a couple of kids here, Edith.

Come on, now, you know,
between the two of us

we're pressin' more than
a hundred years
of faded flesh here.

Oh, then you do remember
how old I am!

Yeah, you're ,
aren't ya?

That's right!
How did you remember?

Oh, I got a very romantic
way to remember that.

Edith, you are as old
as Lindbergh's airplane.

Oh. Ha ha ha!

You know, I don't
feel like .

Do I look like ?

You wanna know the truth?

Not today.

Many happy returns...
of the day.

Now, you come over there
and pick me up
at o'clock sharp,

then I'm gonna take you out
to dinner in a new Italian joint

Parmigiana Paradiso.

Or, as I call it,
St. Garlic's Grotto.

Huh?

Well,
what about my cake?

We'll eat the cake
when we come home
from the joint, see?

Now, remember,
o'clock sharp.

Oh, and Edith,
when you come over there,

be sure and use
their front door.

Why?

Well, uh, uh--
because it's politer, Edith.

Ya know? Yeah.

[DOOR BUZZER]

Oh. Coming!

[HUMMING]

Sybil Gooley!

What are you doing here?

Why ain't you down
at Ferguson's Market workin'?

I'll never forgive you
for this, Edith Bunker!

For what?

I'm not invited
to the party!

What party?

The one I'm not
invited to.

Your party!

Well, I wasn't
invited neither.

How can you not be invited
to your own birthday party?

My birthd--

Oh...

That's why Archie
was actin--

Oh, it must be
a surprise party.

But it ain't
no surprise no more.

I let the cat
out of the bag, huh?

- Yeah.
- I'm glad.

Oh, Sybil, come on in.

I'm sure it ain't nothin'
personal.

Of course it's personal.

I happen to know
that Archie hates me.

Whoever told you that?

Archie did.

Oh, Sybil,

you know the way
Archie is.

I mean, he says
he hates everybody--

President Carter,

Mayor Beame,
Walter Cronkite,

Bella Abzug,
Mr. Abzug,

the Mets, the Jets,

all the United Nations.

And they don't get upset,
so why should you?

Because they wouldn't come
to your party, and I would.

Well, I'm invitin' ya.
Will ya come?

No, Edith, I could
never do that.

Please?

All right!

I better go get changed.

Oh, you don't
have to change,

you look beautiful.

I know.

Listen, I could get fired
for telling you this,

but there's gonna be
a special

on standing rib roast
Wednesday.

- : . You be there.
- Yeah?

And on account
of your birthday,

you come over
to my checkstand,

and I'll double-bag
you all week!

I'll see you
at the party!

Over at the--

Oh, don't tell me
where it is.

I know too much
already.

Oh!

- Goodbye, Edith.
- Bye!

- Oh, excuse me.
- Oh. Hi.

- How do you do?
- Hi, my name's Lambert--

Oh, wait a minute.

Now begin again.

Hi, my name...
is Detective Lambert.

I'm with
the police department.

I'd like to ask you
a couple of questions
if I could.

Oh, sure!

Come on in.

I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to be rude,

but they say women
gotta be very careful
these days

with the robbers
and the burglars...

Oh, no, can't
be too cautious, Miss...?

Oh, Missus. Bunker.
Edith Bunker.

Mrs. Bunker.
No, you can't be too cautious,
'cause, you see,

it seems there's
a man in your neighborhood
who's been...

well, he's been
molesting women.

- Ohh.
- So I'd like to ask you
and your husband

a couple of questions
if I could.

Oh, sure.
But my husband ain't here.

Oh, that's a shame.

Nobody's here.

Well, maybe you can
meet him some other time.

But you can ask me questions.
Sit down.

As long as it don't
take too long,

'cause I gotta get ready
for my surprise birthday pa--

Oh, I ain't supposed to know.

No, no,
this won't take long.

Uh...

first, let me just
describe him to you,

you know,
in case you see him.

He's a man about
my height and build...

wears a gray suit,
dark hat,

and a...blue and gold
striped tie.

Oh, just like the one
you're wearing.

Yeah.

Just exactly like
the one I'm wearing.

Now, you listen to me.

You cooperate with me,
and you're not gonna get hurt.

- [GASPS]
- You understand that?

Okay, now...

you don't make any trouble,

and everything is gonna be
just fine, you understand?

I-I'll give you anything
you want.

I got some money upstairs,
eight dollars,

or I could give you a check.

Lady,
I don't want your money.

Now, look,
I don't want to hurt you,
but you see this?

I'd hate to
have to use it.

I'd hate to have you
have to, too.

All right, then.
All you gotta do is
do exactly like I tell you,

and everything's
gonna be just fine.

Ohh! What are you
gonna do to me?

Just exactly what you think
I'm gonna do to you.

Oh! No!
You wouldn't do that, no!

- No! You wouldn't!
- I will!

[SCREAMING]

Hey! Knock it off!
Knock it off.

All right.
Just stay quiet, okay?

What are you
gonna do?

You ain't takin' off
your clothes, are ya?

Yeah.

Then I'm gonna
take yours off.

Wouldn't you like
a cup of coffee instead?

I don't drink coffee.

I got Sanka!

Lady, you're stallin',
and it ain't gonna
do you any good.

Now, this is gonna happen...
so just relax, okay?

Listen,
I gotta get outta here,

see, I gotta get ready
for my birthday party.

Happy birthday.

Oh--oh, thank you.

I'm--

I'm years old.

I'm very old.

I'm-I'm--

I'm-I'm as old as
Lindbergh's airplane!

I like older women.

But I'm married!

So am I.

No!

You ain't gonna
get away with this!

Oh, yeah? Why not?

Because my husband--
that's Archie--

he's next door
where my daughter lives,

and-and I'm supposed
to meet him over there

at o'clock sharp,

'cause he's gonna
take me out to dinner,

to the Parmigiano Paradiso.

He calls it
St. Garlic's Grotto.

Ha ha!
Ain't that funny?

I guess it ain't.

But I don't think
he's gonna take me
out to dinner

because, see,
they're gonna give me
a surprise party

for my birthday,

only I ain't supposed
to know, see.

But I'm gonna act surprised.

And, see, I'm supposed
to be over there
at o'clock sharp,

o'clock, see,

and if I ain't over there
by o'clock

then they're gonna
come over here at o'clock.

It's only : now.

What? Did I say ?
: .

I have to be
over there at : .

- Lady, there's plenty of time.
- Oh, no!

You know,
you smell wonderful.

That's Lemon Pledge.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- [EDITH SCREAMS]

- [RINGING]
- Ohh. Just let it ring.

- No, no! That's
my husband Archie.
- So what?

Well, becau--
well, he knows I'm home

and-and I always answer quick,

and if I don't answer quick,
then he's gonna be over here!

Yeah, okay.
All right, all right!

- [RINGING]
- Okay, come on.

You better answer it.

And you gotta get rid of him
as fast as you can.

You're not gonna arouse
any suspicion.

Otherwise my friend here
is gonna come help me.

All right?
Now answer it
and get rid of him.

Hello? Ohh!

Oh, hello, Sybil.

No, no, I don't want
a birthday present.

No, don't waste
your money buyin' perfume,

I smell wonderful.

Just get rid of her, ya hear?
Get rid of her.

Sybil, I gotta go.

No. No, I'm all right.

I'm just rushin' around.

I got a lot to do
before the party.

What?

Get rid of her!

But she wants to know
what I got to do.

"Goodbye, Sybil."

G'bye, Sybil.

All right. All right,
that was very good.

That was very good.
You did very well.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

You-you better stop.

Why?

I'm gonna be sick...

all over you.

Practically all the guests
are here, Arch.

Do me a favor,
make the champagne punch,
will ya?

- Aw, geez.
- What's the matter, Daddy?

I forgot the punchbowl.

Aw, geez.

Don't fall apart,
little girl.

I'll just run next door,
I'll get it.

- I'll bring it back.
- Okay. Hurry, Daddy.

Hey, little girl, uh,

does your fish
every once in a while

come out of the water
and lay on a rock?

No.

Then he's dead.

Mr. Jaws d*ed.

Ohh, that's all right.

- Don't worry, don't cry.
- Oh, no!

After all, he lived
a very luxurier life
here in the crystal bowl.

- I'll just dump it all out
in the sink here.
- Don't put him in the sink!

He won't clog nothin' up.
He's only this big.

Waaaahhhh!

Come on, lady,

now, you're not
gonna be sick,
and you know it.

You're just stallin',
and it ain't gonna
do you any good.

Now, this is gonna happen,
no matter what.

Oh, please,
don't do that.

Please go away!
I won't tell nobody
you was here!

Lady, I want you
to tell everybody I was here.

We can't do this--
we're strangers!

Yeah, but we ain't
gonna be strangers for long.

Ohh! Ohh,
you're hurtin' 'me!

Look, lady,
I don't want to hurt you.

Just cooperate a little,
okay?

Wait a minute.

I gotta go.

Go where?

Uh, to the bathroom.

Honestly, I do.
It'll only take a minute.

Okay, okay. Go.

Where are you going?

You're going
to the bathroom?
I'm going with you.

Oh.

I'll wait until tomorrow.

- [SCREAMING]
- Go ahead, scream, lady!

In neighborhoods like this,
nobody answers a scream
for over an hour.

Believe me, I know.

What's that for?!

Lady, I'm gonna tie you up.

Now, here we are.

Now...[SNIFFS]...

aah, beautiful. Huh?

Just like a mountain stream
here.

Yeah, with a dead fish
floatin' in it.

- Make the punch.
- Arch, this thing stinks.

Can't you go home
and get your bowl?

Make the punch
in this! I don't want--

[BOWL SHATTERS]

BOTH:
Why did you do that?

BOTH:
You did it. You did it.
You did it!!!

Get away from me,
you meathead, you!

Now I gotta go home
and make up some excuse

to get my own punchbowl
outta my own house.

Dope.

[DOG BARKING]

Oh--oh, that's
Barney Heffner's dog.

He only barks at--
at Archie!

Archie's comin' home!

Lady,
I don't believe you.

It's true, he only
barks at Archie!

- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- Archie!

ARCHIE: Hey, Edith!
You got the door locked, Edith!

Come on,
I gotta get in there!

- [RATTLING DOOR KNOB]
- Tell him you're gonna
be there in a minute.

I-I'm gonna be there
in just a minute!

Come on, Edith, hurry up,

I gotta get in the house
for somethin' there.

You see this?

Now, you're gonna
let him in,

and then you're gonna
get rid of him really fast.

Otherwise,
you're both gonna be dead.

- Got that?
- Edith, come on,
will you?!

- Come on.
- Edith, I gotta
get somethin' in there.

Let's go.

Edith, why you got
this door locked?

I'm gonna be
right in here.

Now,
you get rid of him.

For years I beg you
to lock the door,

- and the one time I don't want
the door to be locked,
- All right. Here, Archie.

you got it locked there.

Why did you do that--

And look at this,
the chain on the door.

Don't be wavin' at me.
Get the chain off the door.

Come on, Edith--

- Archie!
- Thanks a lot.

Why ain't you
baby-sittin' with Joey?

Joey's gonna be okay
for two minutes.

I gotta get somethin'
over here.

Archie! Archie!

There's this punchbowl,
Edith, see,

I'll bring it over there

because they ain't got
nothin' over there to make--

No, I-I mean,
the meathead k*lled a fish,

and you remember the bowl we
give 'em for their anniversary--

Well, I don't wanna make
a long story out of it,
just let me get over there.

Don't cry, it's only a fish,
a little goldfish.

They only cost
a dime each.

- Keep doors closed, Edith.
- Archie! [SCREAMS]

[SOBBING]

Okay.

Okay, that was really good.

You did that really well.

Very good.

No, wait a minute!

What?

Couldn't we do this
without kissin'?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

But you're gonna
change your mind.

Oh, there's something
burning in the kitchen!

What is it?

It's in the kitchen.

All right, all right.
Come on, come on.

There's something burning
in the ki--

[SCREAMING, SOBBING]
There's a fire!

Fire! Ohh!

- [BOTH COUGHING]
- My cake!

My birthday cake

is burnin'!

Lady, get rid of it.
Get rid of it!

[MAN GRUNTS]

Get outta here!

[SCREAMING]

Listen, now,
I'll tell ya what to do here.

- [ALL TALKING]
- Now, wait a minute.

Now, this is how
everything goes, see?

This is how
everything goes, see?

The lights are on
in the living room.

Yeah, the lights
are on in the living room.

She'll be here
at o'clock.

o'clock,
just a couple of min--

Well, then what?

Will ya dummy up
and I'll tell ya,
huh, Sybil?

When she comes in,
youse all jump out

and you say,
"Happy Birthday."

No, we've gotta
yell "Surprise!"

That's the one word--

"Surprise"--that will
cause a flood.

Daddy.

I mean the tears,
little girl, that's all.

Any questions from anybody?
Shut up, Sybil.

- He never liked me.
- And I always will.

Now, watch me.

I'll give you a hand signal
when she comes in.

In the meantime, shh-shh-shh.

ALL: Shh! Shh!

- EDITH: Archie! Archie--
- ALL: Surprise! Happy birthday!

- [ALL SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]
- Can't you do nothin' right?!

I told you to come in
the front door,

through the livin' room,

everybody's waitin'
to jump out and do this,

and you went
and spoiled everything.

- [SINGING CONTINUES]
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You ain't cryin' happy,
Edith.

What's the matter
with ya, huh?

Huh?

[CRYING, CHATTER]

Easy. What happened?
What happened? What?

Chain. I--

Slow down and calm yourself
and tell me what it is.

- A man-- a man!
- Man?

He-- he-- he said
he was looking...

for a man. He-- he was
the man he was looking for.

Hold on, hold on.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I don't understand.
Here, come over here.
Come over here.

Sit down,
sit down, huh?

Now, just--
just take it easy.

So, a--a--a man
come over to the house,
lookin' for a man,

and he said he was
the man that he was
lookin' for?

- What is that?
- He had a g*n.

He had a g*n?

[CRIES]
He said he was
gonna k*ll me!

- Did he?
- No.

Well, I know
he didn't, Edith,

but--but I mean,
what did he do?

He--he--

What? What? What?

He...

Come on, Edith,
what did he want?

Me.

You?

He...

Well, what are you
tellin' me, Edith?

That...

The guy...r*ped you?

No, no!

He tried to.

He tried?
Well--well--well,
what happened?

What'd he do?

It was--
it was awful, Archie.

Oh, jeez, Edith.

It was awful!
I thought he was
gonna k*ll me!

Oh, Edith, jeez.

Oh, my God, Edith.

Well, jeez,
maybe you better--

you better lay down here
for a little while, huh?

No.

No...no, no.

The best thing is just
to sit there, yeah.

Um, maybe you oughtta
have somethin' hot
to drink, huh?

- No.
- Well, somethin' cold.

No.

No--best thing,
don't drink nothin'. Yeah.

I'll be right back, Edith.

No, where
are you going?

I--I better
phone somebody.

No!

- Gotta phone the ambulance.
- No!

- Or phone the doctor.
- No.

No, no, no.

Best thing is stay off
of the phone.

Yeah.

Well, jeez, Edith,
well--well, we gotta
do somethin', Edith.

I mean, if I don't
phone nobody important,

and we don't drink
nothin' tasty,

what the hell
are we gonna do?

Hold me!

That's the best thing.
I can do that.

Yes, Edith,
I can do that.

Aw, jeez--
oh, Edith--

how did you get away
from the lousy bum?

Cake.

I--I--I hit him with
the cake I was baking.

Oh, thank God you had
somethin' heavy around.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

He musta been over there

when I come lookin'
for the punch bowl.

He was in the closet.

But why didn't
you say somethin'?

He--he said he would
do something to you.

Do somethin' to me?

What the hell was he?
A fruit too?

Ma, aren't you comin'
downstairs to your party?

- No, no, she can't come down.
- We can't eat the cake
until you open the presents.

- Oh, jeez.
- What's the matter, Mom?

Uh--listen, listen,
little girl...

uh...somethin' bad
has befell the family.

Did a relative die?

No, I said somethin' bad.

I don't know how
to tell you this,
little girl, see...

You're not
my real father.

No!

No?

I mean yes!

Look at
the fat cheeks on ya!

Where the hell do you
think you got them,
from Fred Astaire?

Edith,
tell your daughter
what happened.

I can't.

Well, you gotta
tell her, Edith!

Well then,
you tell me, Daddy.

All right, all right.
A--a--a--

A guy come over
to our house
about an hour ago--

Oh, no, no,
not an hour.

No, not an hour ago.
He busted down
the front door--

No,
I let him in.

She let him in.

He was an
awful-lookin' guy, see?

- No, very good-looking.
- All right, Edith--

What happened?

Don't holler at me.
I'll tell ya.

He come into the house,
and he tried to...

[WHISPERS]
r*pe...your mother.

He tried to r*pe her?!

Don't say bad things
in words!

I'm callin'
the police.

- No, don't do that.
Put that telephone down.
- No, Mike, no.

- Why?
- Daddy, we have to
call the police.

- No, no, no.
- No!

Mom, remember when
it happened to me
three years ago?

That's the first thing
we did.

And what's the first thing
the cop told you

when he come over
to the house?

He said if it
ever got into court,
they'd ask you questions.

They'd turn around
and make it look like

you were askin' for it
there.

That's why we dropped
the whole thing.

Don't you remember that, huh?
And what do you wanna do?

Put your mother and me
through the same kind
of shame there?

"Besmooch" the family name
in the eyes of the community?

Yeah, they might
drop your name from
the social register.

Aahhh!

Arch,
all you're worried about

is that when you
walk down the street,

people are gonna say,
"There goes Archie Bunker.

You know,
his wife was r*ped!"

Don't holler
the word "r*pe"!

It ain't that at all.

And besides,
she wasn't...that.

All right,
but Ma was att*cked!

We gotta do somethin'!

I wanna
call the police!

No, no, no!

But Ma, we have
to do something.

Yeah, we're going
to do something.
I know what to do.

I'm gonna take
your mother home.

No, no!
He might still be there!

Oh, no, no.

Do you think he would be?

Look, Arch,

to make Ma
feel at ease,

I think
the house should be
checked out first.

That's a good idea.
Well, go over
and do that, huh?

Why don't you do it?

Because
at a time like this,

a man's place
is beside his wife.

Aw, jeez,
ain't this pitiful?

Would you please
both go over there
and check?

- Aw, come on.
- I don't know what kind
of a guy this is.

Who knows.

EDITH:
He's got a g*n!

This is why every citizen
should have a loaded g*n

in his house, you
big-mouthed liberal, you!

How many times
have I told ya?

I don't believe
in v*olence!

Aw...

And what are you
gonna do with this here?

Bunt him
off the premises?

Michael, don't do
anything foolish.

Call the police.

Shh!

[DOOR THUMPS LOUDLY]

All right,
go ahead.

You go ahead.

How 'bout we both
go ahead together?

Let me...in the door!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Look in there.

[WHISPERS]
Gimme this.

Open the door.

I'll stand by
with this bat.

[KNOCKS]

Oh...

There's nobody
in there, Arch.

The hell did you
expect him to say?
Entre vous?

Open the door.

- Ow!
- Ouch!

Ah.

Ah.

What happened?

What happened?
This happened.

- Oh!
- Ow!

[GRUNTS]
Oh, that's awful!

Oh, oh!
Jeez.

There's nobody
in the closet, Arch.

Hey, wait a second.

- What's this?
- Can't you watch what
the hell you're doin'?

Oh.

What's the matter
with you?

Look, he musta
left his clothes here.

Don't put your fingerprints
all over the evidence there.

Gimme that.

Never handle evidence!

Well, he ain't
in the room here.

We can see that.

So, the next thing--
come on, take the bat.

Now...

Look in the kitchen.

What are
you gonna do?

I'll stand
by the phone.

Why?

In case there's a call.

Can't I stand
by the phone?

If a call
comes to this house,

that call is for me,
it ain't for you.

Get it, dumbbell?

Go on.

I could always answer,
and then call you
to the phone--

Go on!

[YELLS]
I'm entering the kitchen!

Ow!
[CLATTERS]

Are you
all right in there?

Yeah!

I just slipped
on some cake!

Oh...

The cake
tastes burnt!

Arch, there's
nobody in there.

Hey, what are you
doin' over here?

Were you tryin' to sneak
out of this house?

No, I certainly
was not!

I just thought I better

search the porch
a little more.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ow, my foot!
For the--

Ow! Jeez!
Sorry, Arch--

Will you
get away from me?

You're gonna
k*ll me yet!

Aah! Jeez!

Aah!

No, no, no!

He's not there.
We checked the place.

Oh, no, oh, no!

Wait a second.
You got the wrong guy.

That's the wrong guy!

We got a call from
a Mrs. Gloria Stivic.

Well, that's me,
but that's my father.

That's my daughter!

That's my wife,
and that's my
mother-in-law.

You got the wrong guy!

The guy we're tryin'
to find is good-lookin'.

Aw, shut up!

Gloria, would you help
me make some coffee?

But, Ma, I think you
should tell the police
what the man looked like.

I wanna forget
what he looks like.

Yeah, we oughtta
forget the whole thing.

I mean, it's a false alarm
here, officers.

I mean, as you can see,
everything here is just,

uh, you know,
peaches and beans.

Wait a second!

There was a crime
committed here.

Will you stop
worrying about

what people
will think?

I ain't worryin'
about that.

What I'm worried is
it could come up before
a judge in some court,

and one of them guys will
turn the whole thing around

and make believe
it's the woman's fault!

What do you say to that,
officers?

We just lock 'em up.
We don't try 'em.

Oh, well now,
there you go, Meathead.

Case closed.

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

No, no,
wait a second,
wait a second.

Case isn't closed!

Move.
Move it, move it.

What are you
doin' now?

Move it.

Here, look.
He left his clothes.

Well,
we'll take 'em along.

Maybe we can use 'em.

About an hour ago,

we picked up
a suspicious character

running down the street
in his T-shirt.

Maybe they
belong to him.

Where's the lady
that got att*cked?

We'd like her to come
along with us and
take a look at the guy.

Maybe she can
identify him.

Yeah, yeah,
hold on a second. Ma?

Ma!

The police want you
to go down to the station

and see if you can
identify this guy
they picked up.

Oh, no, no,
I can't do that.

No, I'm sorry.

But Ma, please.
You've got to.

No, I don't
wanna look at
that man again.

Ma, he can't
hurt you anymore.

Can you identify
these clothes, ma'am?

[GASPS]
No! No, I can't!

No! He'll k*ll me!

He'll k*ll me!
He'll k*ll me!

He'll k*ll me!
He'll k*ll me!

Ma, those are
no-iron sheets.

Hmm? No, they've
got wrinkles.

[POUNDING AT DOOR]

- Ah!
- Ma, it's all right.

- [ARCHIE SHOUTING ]
- Just a minute.

[MUFFLED]
Hurry up!

Just a minute!

I'm standin' out here
with the groceries
in my hands!

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, good,
you remembered
the eggs.

Take them!

Pick them up,
scramble 'em,
and freeze them.

- Okay, Daddy.
- I ain't goin' back
no more.

I ain't never gonna go
to that supermarket
again, there.

I hate it.

Jeez,
two weeks I'm doin'

all the shoppin'
in this house,

'cause your mother's scared
to go outside of the place.

If I ever get my hands
on that "raperer,"

I'm gonna turn him
into a "unique."

Well, you blew
your chance, Daddy,

'cause with no one
around to identify him,

the police had
to let him go.

But you'll just
go get him, huh?

Death is too good
for them guys.

They ought to sentence them
to years in the supermarket.

Daddy, don't pound like that
on the front door anymore.

When you do it scares Ma
and she runs upstairs to hide.

Jeez, she's getting
loonier every day.

Washing and ironing
the same things
over and over.

You know at night
she sleeps

with the lights on
up there?

I gotta hide myself
under the covers.

That ain't good
for you, you know?

You ain't supposed
to breathe the same air
that your toes is in.

Well, Daddy,
you just better
get used to all this,

'cause it might go on
with Ma for a long time.

Oh, don't give me
no bad news.

Why should it,
anyway?

This thing
happened to you

a couple of years ago,
there.

Didn't take you forever
to get over it.

How do you know?

Ever since it happened,

I haven't been able
to walk down th Avenue.

And I'll tell you
somethin' else--

Michael was wonderful
through all of it.

He helped me
through the worst part.

He wasn't like you.
You're so impatient.

- Oh, jeez.
- Yes!

He went out of his way
to be sweet and kind and gentle.

Well, he'd have to go
out of his way

to be sweet and gentle.

Comes natural to me.

I'll smack that look
off your face!

Oh, it's you, Archie!

All right,
all right!

[GLORIA WHISPERS]

Hi. Hiya there,
Edith, darlin'.

It's nice to see ya down.

Aw, gee, you're starchin'
that same sheet again.

Yeah.

It ain't smooth.

Oh, It ain't smooth.

Edith, uh, Could I ask you
one little question, huh?

Yeah, sure.

Well, don't keep on ironin'
when I'm askin' ya, huh?

Edith, all I want
to know is,

what happened
to the good old days?

Don't you remember,
Edith?

I'd come home from work,

I'd yell,
"Edith! I'm home!"

And you'd come
leapin' out there
to the door.

"Oh, hello, Archie.
Did you have a nice day?"

And I'd say,
"Lousy. Get me a beer."

And you'd do that,
and we'd sit down,

and you'd tell me
some long, dopey story,

like about your Aunt Zuni
with the one eye, huh?

I mean, why can't we
get back to them
beautiful days?

Why'd ya spoil all of that?

I'm sorry, Archie,
I'm sorry.

Edith, I'm so--
I didn't mean--

Aw, jeez, look at that!

Another load
of sweetness
wasted there,

and I've only got
so much sweetness
in me!

Daddy, I have to have
a talk with you.

What about?

You see, I know what
Ma is going through.

Right now,
she is full of fear

and anger and guilt.

She is afraid
of everything.

She doesn't even feel
safe in her own house.

What am I supposed to do?

Close up the joint
for the winter,

we all take a cruise
down to the Virgin's Island?

Don't hit your father
on his head!

I know you think
you were being

real nice to her
over there, Daddy,

but what you said,
it didn't help.

You should've
heard me last night.

I was upstairs with
her there, talking to her.

I tried the best way I know
to talk about her nervousness.

What'd you say?

I said, "Stop this!"

That's no good!

Don't pull hairs
out of your father's body!

Daddy, ya gotta be
more patient with Ma,

and loving!

See, right now,

what Ma needs
is a lot of TLC.

Are you kiddin'?

No doctor in the world
would give her
a sh*t of that!

TLC!

Why, the woman
gets high on an aspirin!

Jeez!

Daddy, "TLC" means
"tender loving care."

Don't hit the knee
that got hit with the trolley.

Come on, Daddy.

What are ya doin'?

I want you to go upstairs

and be affectionate
with Ma!

- I can't do that!
- Yes, you can!

I want you
to hold her hand,

put your
arm around her,

give her a kiss.

Now, do that!

But if I do that
after what happened here,

she'll think
I'm tryin' to att*ck her.

No, no, no,
you're wrong, see?

What happened to Ma
had nothin' to do with sex.

It was an act of v*olence.

And if you're not attentive,

she's gonna think
something's wrong
with her.

So go on up there,
Daddy.

I know she's thinkin'
that right now.

Be affectionate to her.
Come on.

And I'll get
your dinner started.

Yeah, but Gloria, I--
I can't do it.

Get up there!

What are ya doin',
Edith?

I'm makin' the bed.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

That's that same bed

you made up
this mornin', huh?

Yeah, but there was
lumps under the blanket.

Ah.

Well, ya--

ya gotta get the lumps
out there, Edith.

Listen, I don't wanna take
too much of your time there,

but where the hell are ya?

Edith, look here.

Come here, come here.

Sit down just a minute
here, Edith, huh?

Just a minute.

- [TELEPHONE RINGS]
- I just wanna--

Never mind that. That's
just the telephone downstairs.

Gloria'll get it.

Lemme just try
somethin' here.

What are ya gonna do?

Edith...

I'm just gonna do
this here with my arm

and this here
with my kisser.

Now, wasn't that nice?

Do you still love me?

Do I still love ya?
What are ya talkin' about?

Why you think I'm tryin'
all this here--

whaddya call it?--
LTD on ya.

What's that?

That's, uh, love
and... until daylight
or something.

I don't know. I'm doing
the best I can.

Let me try again, huh?

[QUAVERS]

What did I do?

I'm still scared.

Oh, please,
don't be scared
no more, Edith.

I can't forget that man.

Ma!

Learn to knock,
learn to knock,
learn to knock!

Daddy, why don't you
go downstairs, huh?

What, are ya haulin' me
outta here?

You sent me up here,
didn't ya?

Michael wants
to tell you something.

- [GLORIA WHISPERS]
- Huh?

I want to be alone...

...to talk with
your mother. All right.

Ma?

The police just picked up
that same guy again.

He att*cked another woman
right over in Woodside.

They want ya to come
down to the station
to identify him.

No! Can't that
other woman do it?

Well, she can,
but she won't.

Why not?

Because she's afraid.

I am too, Gloria.

Ma, look at ya!

You haven't been
out of this house
in two weeks.

No, please, Gloria!
I don't care.

I don't want to look
at that man again.

Ma, don't ya see?

The criminal's
supposed to be in jail,

not the victim!

Gloria, get out of my way!
I won't do it!

Please don't make me!
Don't make me!

Ma, you gotta go down
and identify him.

[HYSTERICAL]
No! No, Gloria!

No, leave me alone!

No, I won't leave you alone!

Ma, you've got to do it,

for every woman
who's a possible victim
of a nut like that.

And you know what, Ma?

You know
what's most important?

You gotta do it
for yourself,

'cause you don't want
to go on living

like a scared rabbit,
do ya?

Now, come on, let's go.

No! I wanna forget it!

I wanna forget it!
I wanna forget it!

How can you be
so selfish?

I ain't bein' selfish!

Yes, you are!

You know who he is,
but you won't stop him!

Gloria, I'm afraid!

I know, Ma,
but don't you see?

You've gotta help
put away this sicko creep,

because that way,

you can stop feeling
so victimized

and be in control of
your life again, you know?

And that'll help ya
stop bein' afraid.

Now, come on, Ma,
let's go.

No! I ain't gonna
leave this house!

You're gonna let him do
what he did to you

to God knows how many
other women?

I can't believe it!
I'm ashamed of you!

The mother I know
would never refuse!

My mother always
helped other people!

You know what?
You are selfish!

You're not my mother
anymore!

Ohhh, Gloria.

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Oh, Ma, it's all right.

It's all right.
It's all right.

Shh. Shh. Shh.
It's all right.

It's all right, Ma.

I'm sorry.

I understand, Ma.

Come on, Archie.

Uh, where we gonna go,
Edith?

Down to
the police station.

No, Edith, you ain't gonna
identify that guy, are you?

Yeah. If it's him,

I gotta stop him.

Oh, Ma.

You can put all
that stuff away, Gloria.

I ain't gonna do
no more ironin'.

There's some clothes
soakin' in the tub
downstairs.

You can let the water out.

They was clean anyway.

Come on, Archie.

Aaaaah!

ROB REINER:
All in the Family

was recorded on tape
before a live audience.