08x06 - Unequal Partners

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

( humming )

♪ The fish that got away ♪

Hey, Edith, there!

Edith?

( continues humming )

Edith? You upstairs
there, Edith?

If you ain't
in the house,

say something
to let me know, huh?

I got a big surprise
for you, Edith.

( shrieking )

Oh, hey! Hi!

( mumbling )

I can't kiss ya.

It's okay, Edith,
I'll kiss the Brillo pads.

Oh... you're home early.

Well, I would say
that you're home late.

Oh, then I would say
that's why you're home
before I'm home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.

I'll help you with
the load, Edith.

Oh! Thank you...

Yeah, come on.
Come on. There.

Yeah, now listen.

I got a big surprise for you.
You're gonna guess.

Now, guess what lucky couple
is gonna take a weekend trip

up to a cabin in New Hampshire

for fishin'
with their best friends,

Barney and Blanche Hefner?

I'll give you a hint,
Edith.

One half
of the couple is me.

Oh, and the other half
is me, right?

Oh, you're sharp
today, Edith.

Oh, that's wonderful.

We ain't been on a trip since
my cousin Walter's funeral.

Which cousin
Walter was that?

The one that d*ed.

Oh, yeah.

I hope it's a nice cabin.

Oh, oh, this is a very
nifty cabin, Edith.

It ain't one of your
old-fashioned,

rusty cabins, you know?

Oh, no, this one
is very modern,

with inside plumbin'
and everything.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah, so when nature
calls in the dead of night,

you don't have
that -yard dash
into the poison ivy.

Oh, yeah.

Remember?

Oh, you was
in t*rture, Edith.

And the best part
of the whole thing,

it ain't gonna
cost us nothin', Edith,

which is to say
it's gonna absolutely free,

or in other words,
gratis.

Well, how come?

'Cause the cabin's owned
by Barney's uncle,

and Barney's gonna drive us
up there in his car,

but, Edith, we gotta be
ready and packed

and waitin' out in front
of the house

at : a.m.
in the morning.

In the morning?

In the morning is when
: a.m. usually rolls around.

Oh, no, we can't go no place
tomorrow mornin'.

Why not?

Because Mrs. Tally
and Mr. Hooper

are getting married
tomorrow at : noon.

Oh, ain't that lovely,
Mrs. Tally and Mr. Hooper.

Who the hell are they?

They're from
the Sunshine Home.

Oh, the Sunshine Home.

And they're getting married
right here in our house.

I told ya. Yeah.

Edith, Edith, now let me
ask you somethin'.

Don't you think that people
have a hell of a nerve

askin' other people
to have their weddings

in other people's houses?

Oh, they didn't ask me,
I offered.

I knew that,
I knew that!

See, Archie,
we gotta be here,

'count of I made
a four-part promise,

and I can't
go back on that.

I know I'm a jerk
for asking this question,

but I gotta.

What the hell's
a four-part promise?

Well, first I promised 'em
they could be married

here in our house.

Bad.

And second,

I promised that I'd be
the matron of honor.

Worse.

And third, I promised
you'd be the best man.

Worser!

And fourth, I promised
I'd sing "Oh, Promise Me."

Worsest of all!

Edith, Edith, darling,

do ya love me?

Do I love you?
Oh, Archie...

How much do you love me?

How much
do I love you?

I'll tell you no lie.

♪ How deep is the ocean? ♪

♪ How high is the sky? ♪

I got my answer, Edith.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

No more, no more.

You told me, Edith.
Don't go on with this.

Cut, cut, cut.

Cut!

Now, get on the horn
and call the Sunshine Home,

and tell them people
no dice.

Oh, no,
I can't do that, Edith.

This is costin' money
up here, Edith, come on.

Archie, I can't disappoint
them nice two old people.

Why can't Barney wait
till after the weddin'?

We could leave by : .

No, no, no, that sh**t
half of the day.

Don't you understand it takes
five hours to drive up there,

if you're lucky,

and the only reason
we're lucky

is Barney drives
like a maniac.

We could take the train,
that would be faster.

There ain't no train
into Lake Winnipesaukee.

Jeez, the Indians can't even
find it with a canoe.

Well, then how are we gonna
find it in Barney's car?

Ah, don't pick me up.

You're trying to make
a vicious argument

out of this thing here.

No, I know, we'll fly.
How about that?

The last time you flew,

you used up every barf bag
in economy class.

Oh, Archie, please--

No, Edith, no!

Now, case closed.
Case closed.

We leave early
in the mornin',

when the crows cock.

No, Archie, please.

Court is adjourned,

court is adjourned,

court is adjourned.

You always get your own way.

Oh, come on,
will you?

Yes, you do. You do.

I do not.

Yeah, yeah,
when Gloria was born,

I wanted
to call her Jeanette.

Oh, jeez, here we go,
back to chapter one.

After Jeanette MacDonald,
my favorite movie star,

but, no,
we called her Gloria

'cause you didn't like
Jeanette MacDonald.

Because her voice went
through my head like a nail.

And you didn't
wanna name her after
Jeanette MacDonald, anyway.

You wanted to name her after
Jeanette Gavarres,

your friend with the
fat ankles and the pop eyes.

No, that ain't true.
I wanted to name her after
Jeanette MacDonald.

Let us not continue
with this fruitless,
loopless argument.

It is so old.

What about
our first apartment?

And, naturally,
that's older.

I wanted to live in Jersey,

but you wanted
to live in Queens,

so we lived in Queens.

Queens is closer to my work.

And further from my family.

That thought
never crossed my mind.

Oh...

Oh, come on, Edith.

Let's not make a fight
about this thing.

I tell you what I do, Edith,
I'll make you a deal.

If you leave
with me tomorrow--

Yeah, at : .

Let me finish--
at : a.m.,

I'll let you call
Gloria Jeanette.

Now, that's the best
I can do for you.

Oh, jeez, my knees.

Oh, no, Archie,
that's dumb.

Don't say "dumb" when
my knees are hurtin' me!

Archie, we can't go
till after the weddin'!

This is the most important
thing that ever happened

to them two people,

and we gotta help 'em
enjoy it.

I don't wanna hear
no more about it.

If you ain't ready
to leave

at : in the morning,
I'm gonna leave without you.

Oh, jeez.

Edith--
Oh, jeez.

Edith, Edith.

Edith, where's my thanks
for all I do, huh?

Payin' for the food,
the clothes,

the taxes, the household
utilities, huh?

All day long on the job,
workin' my butt off.

What about me? I'm here
all day workin' my butt off!

Oh, my God.

If your mother was here

to hear that comin'
out of your mouth.

I'm glad she d*ed,
Edith.

That k*lled everything
you said up to that point,

and now the argument
is definitely over.

- No, it ain't over!
- It is over!

No, it ain't over.
Now, I ain't leavin'
here tomorrow

till after that weddin',
and neither are you.

What?

No, them people
is dependin' on us,

and I'm dependin' on you,

and if you walk out
on me tomorrow,

you can keep on walkin'!
[GASPS]

Now the argument is over.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[RINGS]

I'm coming! Coming!

[RINGS]

All right, I'm opening
the door now.

- What do you say, Arch?
- Oh, Barney, I'm glad
you could come over.

- Yeah?
- Barney.

- What?
- I got something
very important to tell you.

- What is it?
- Barney, I love you.

I wouldn't be
ashamed to say that

even in front
of Anita O'Brien,

God bless her.

What do you want, Arch?

Barney, sit down here.
Sit down here.

- Eh?
- Now, listen.

Barney, I mean, why should
we get up, bleary-eyed,

at : a.m.,
you know?

I mean,
couldn't we leave

a little later
than : a.m.?

Like when?

What do you say
to : p.m.?

What, and blow
half the weekend?

What are you, nuts?
No dice.

Wait, Barney,
Barney, Barney,

I ain't askin'
this for myself.

I'm askin' it for
two lovely old people

from the Sunshine Home.

Get this--he's ,
she's .

What do you think
they're gonna do tomorrow?

Nothin' I'd wanna watch.

Get back here.

You're full of "obscenery"
today, ain't ya?

They're gettin' married
here at : ,

and one minute after ,

we could be out
in the car with you there.

Nah, to hell with that.

I'm leavin' tomorrow
morning at : a.m.

Well, I guess I'm gonna
have to have a chat

with your trustin'
little wife, Blanche.

[LAUGHS]

If you're
alludin' to the time

that I kissed the coin lady
at the launderette,

Blanche knows
all about that.

I ain't alludin',
I'm talkin' about something.

I'm talkin' about
a certain convention,

Hook Stratton Hotel,

Pittsburg, PA,

mid-August of and .

Oh, I heard all about
the midnight swim

in the indoor pool,
with parties unmentionable,

and unclothed.

You got the crust
to throw that up to me?

A fellow veteran
of your foreign wars?

A fellow lodge brother?

And while we're at it,

what about the secret oath
of the lodge brothers, huh?

A sacred oath.

To hell with it.

: , huh?

: , Barney.

Could you make it
a little closer to noon?

Aw, sure, Barney,
you know I'm gonna
try to make it

as close to noon
as I possibly can.

Listen, I don't wanna
k*ll this trip, I wanna
have a lot of fun.

Barney, I meant
what I said before.
I love ya.

- You know somethin', Arch?
- What?

You're a rat.

It's better than bein'
a philanderer

in a pool in Pittsburgh,
Barney.

Hey, Edith!

Edith!

[HUMMING]

Wait'll I tell ya,
Edith, wait'll I tell ya.

Now, get the sour look
off your face. Come on, Edith.

- Gimme a smile.
- No, I ain't got time
to talk to ya now.

I'm icin'
the wedding cake.

Well, you don't have
to ice your husband.

I just wanna say
that Barney and me

is gonna wait for you
till after the weddin'.

- Oh, Archie!
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, oh, look at this.

Ah.

Now, ain't you
a little ashamed

of all that hollerin'
you done at me, Edith?

♪ How much
do I love you ♪

♪ I'll tell you now-- ♪

You better
have some cake.

Oh, Archie.

Oh, my!

Oh, Florence,
you make a beautiful bride.

I always did.

Now, lemme see--
somethin' old,
somethin' new,

somethin' borrowed,
somethin' blue.

We gotta find
somethin' blue for ya.

- ARCHIE: Hey, Edith!
- Yeah, Archie?

The preacher's here.
The guests have been here.

Come on, it's two minutes
to : . Rev it up there.

We just gotta find
somethin' blue

for the bride
to wear.

Well, search her.

You're sure to find
a big vein.

Okay, in there,
Mr. Hooper--

Oh, where is this man?

[METAL RATTLES]

What are you doing
in the closet, Mr. Hooper?

I guess I'm hiding.

Oh, come on
out of there.

What are you hiding
for, huh?

Well, I'm years old,

I've been a bachelor
all my life,

and I just don't want
to be rushing into anything.

Are you thinking
about that now?

Look at the time, will ya?
Oh, you can't see nothin'.

Come here, come here.

Now, don't tell me
you're worried about

your groomly duties
or anything.

I don't have to tell ya
about your intricate facts
of [WHISPERS] sex, do I?

Oh, I said I was a bachelor--
didn't say I was a virgin.

- So you've done it?
- Yeah.

You liked it?

- Well--
- You didn't like it?

I'm tryin' to remember.

That's a joke we tell
around the Sunshine Home.

- Come on, come on.
- No, no.

You ain't gonna--
Come here. Come here.

Sit down. Now, let me
have a little talk.

I know just
how you feel, see?

Every guy feels
the same way, you know?

You hate giving up
the old life,

you hate saying good-bye
to the old girlfriends.

Mine are all dead.

Swell! Then you're lucky.

Of course,

to tell the truth,
it has been a long time.

Aw, don't worry about that,
you know? Because...

[WHISPERS]
...sex, see...

it's like riding a bike--
you never forget.

But for the best results,
you've got to make believe

that it's the first time
for the both of youse,
you know?

You make her feel like--

like a ripe peach.

Even though she's been
laying on the ground
for a number of years.

And you gettin'
married now,

just think what a kick
in the pants this is gonna be

to all the people
who probably thought
you was a f*g for years.

You will love everything
about living with a woman.

You'll love
the look in the eye,

the touch of the hand,
huh?

The sound
of the sweet verse.

EDITH:
Arrr-chiiieee!

We're all ready!

Yeah, all right,
we're coming!

Now, get everything
started downstairs, Edith!

We're coming now!

Come on, Mr. Hooper,
get your coat on, huh?

Because I'm
in a kind of hurry.

Right after
the wedding, see,

I gotta leave
on a fishin' trip.

Oh, fishin'!
I love fishin'!

I'd rather go fishin'
than get married!

Well, who wouldn't?
But you're gettin' married.

It's all white inside,

and then, well,
the white icing.

See, every wedding cake
has to be white.

And then I put a little
lemon filling inside,

and then I did my own...

Rose?

Rose, don't go to sleep.

The wedding's gonna start.
I want you to stay awake.

I don't wanna hear
no more of that,
Hooper!

Come on, come on.
Look, they're all
waitin' for you.

You're the main event
here.

Now, come on, come on.

Check yourself
for drafts.

Ooop!

- Where in hell is the priest?
- Shh! Here.

Reverend Schaeffer,

this is my husband,
Archie Bunker.

How do you do,
Mr. Bunker?

- Where's your book?
- Right here.

Open it up, will ya?

Now, listen, we want
a very beautiful,
modern ceremonial here.

I mean fast, you know?

I'm afraid, Mr. Bunker,
that we won't--

Talk faster than that, now.

Now, Edith, come over here.

Come on, start
the nuptial music here.

Well, you've got
to go up and get Florence.

- I thought you
was gonna do that.
- No, no!

See, today, you've got to be
the father of the bride.

Oh, my God!

Go ahead, play.
I'll go start.

♪ Oh, promise me ♪

♪ That someday ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Will take our love ♪

♪ Together to some sky ♪

Not that one, Edith.

- That's too slow.
- What?

It's too slow,
and it's too sad.

Here. Here,
play the Bridal March.

And remember,
it's a march,
it's a march.

- Okay, all right.
- [PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH"]

Okay, Flo!
I'm comin' to ya, Flo!

Rose!

Rose, Rose, wake up!

[PLAYS RAGGEDLY]

I was hoping you could
move a little faster
than this.

Now, don't make him
nervous, Flo.

We're ready to start,
Edith.

Cut.

[POUNDS RANDOM KEY]

Okay, Reverend,
you're on.

"Dearly beloved."
Go.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together

here in the presence
of these witnesses

to join together
this man and this woman--

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Okay, Barney, be with ya
in about two minutes there!

No concern of yours.

Keep going here.
Join 'em, join 'em.
Go ahead.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together.

You already
gathered them together.

Can't you just
join 'em here?

Mr. Bunker, this is the form

for the solemnization
of matrimony.

We don't want the long form.

That's only for young people
who are strong enough

to stand up for half an hour
listening to you.

This couple's gonna have
to take a nap in five minutes.

Come on!

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered together
here...

Stubborn guy!
Must be a Swede!

...to join together
this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.

Oh, look at the time.
It's minutes.

What time do you got--?

...prove that time
is no barrier to love.

You two are
living testimony

that love
is ageless.

Ohh! Ohh!

No time for tears, Edith,
no time for tears!

Go ahead, keep goin'.

You two have
experienced much of life.

They know that.
Look at them.

And life still has
much in store for you.

And now, if there be
anyone amongst you

who has anything to say
against these two marrying,

let him speak now.

Marry 'em. No one's
gonna open his mouth.

BARNEY: Come on, Arch!
There's no more time!

Except Barney.

[SHOUTING]
Another minute, Barney!

We're in the home stretch,
Reverend. Finish it off.

Get to the you do,
do youse, hmm?

Do you, Herbert,
take Florence

to be your lawfully
wedded wife?

Go ahead, say you do.

I do.

There's Florence.
Check with her.

And do you, Florence,
take Herbert

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

I do.

All right, it's over.
They're married. Come on.

Archie, the ring!

Oh, the ring?

Excuse me there, Herb.
Give me the finger there.

- Here. With this ring,
I thee wed.
- Oh, no!

Go on with
the "renouncement," huh?

Archie, he--!

I know, I just wanted
to move it a little faster.
Get in there!

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

EDITH: Awww!

[APPLAUSE]

Now you can throw
the bouquet!

Oh, Debbie!
Debbie! Where's Debbie?

Now, you catch it!
Stand right there!

All right.

One...two...three!

[CHEERING]

You're next!

Now, everybody,

there's plenty
of food and drink.

- Just help yourself.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
help yourself.

Eat all youse wanna,
and anything youse
don't wanna eat,

be sure and put it
in the ice box,
'cause we got roaches, see?

All right, Edith,
come on, let's go.

Now, Reverend, look,
these are the keys
to the house.

When youse are all done here,

give 'em to my daughter
Gloria next door,

and then she'll
lock everything up.

- Did you get paid?
- No.

Somebody give him
a dollar, huh?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Okay, Barney,
we are coming now!

But Archie!
Where's Herbert?

- Herbert who?
- Herbert Hooper!

He d*ed in California
after inventing the Depression.

No, Archie, her husband!

The groom, he's missing!

That is the bride's
responsibility, Edith.

We've done all for
these people that we can do.

Now, let's get our gear
out of the closet.

- Now, why is
the closet locked?
- I don't know.

- Gimme the key.
- I don't have a key.

- Who's got it?
- HERBERT: I got it!

- Who's that?
- That's Herbert!

Herbert Hooper,
her husband!

Oh! Hooper,
get out of that closet

and face your honeymoon
like a man!

HERBERT: I ain't comin' out
out of here

unless I can go
fishin' with you!

Let's go, Arch!
Time's up!

Barney, please,
we got a little problem here.

Hey, Hooper, you're
making me very sad out here.

HERBERT: I don't care.

Hey, Hooper, you're k*lling
the fishing trip here.

You know how
you can save it!

All right, hold everything,
hold everything.

Hold everything.

- Barney.
- Yeah?

Wouldn't it be nice
to do something...

- ...for an old couple,
just got married?
- Yeah.

- Wouldn't the cabin at the lake
hold six persons?
- Yeah.

- Couldn't we take the Hoopers
fishin' with us?
- No.

- Uh, is Blanche
in the car down there?
- Yeah.

Blanche, did you ever hear
of the Hook Stratton Hotel...?

Come on, Hooper,
let's go fishin'!

I knew you'd
see it my way, Barn!
This'll be all right.

Now, you stay
with the bride there.

Come on, Edith!
Come on, Edith!

All right, get packin'!
Lets go!

Come on, get outta here.

Barney, you done
a beautiful thing,

and you're gonna have
a swell time.

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

ROB REINER:
All in the Family

was recorded on tape
before a live audience.