08x07 - Archie's Grand Opening

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith! Edith, come on!
I'm in a hurry.

I want you to come out
and take a look at me now.

ARCHIE: Huh?
Oh!

What do you think,
huh?
Ah!

What do you think?
Just give me a little
check out here, huh?

I mean, is it rich
enough for the boss

of a new saloon opening
tonight, huh?

Oh! You look
very important.

Except for your face,
you look like
Johnny Carson.

Uh-oh! I got
a riddle for ya.

A riddle?

What does
an airplane do?

What does an--
I don't know, fly?

Yours is open.

Ow!
Oh!

Oh, my!

Caught my little finger
in the propeller.

Oh, Archie, I'm afraid
you're gonna be so tired

tomorrow
at the loading dock.

I know I'm gonna be tired
tomorrow at the loading dock,

Edith, that's why
I ain't going tomorrow
to the loading dock.

That's why I want you
to get on the blower here,

you're gonna call up
Mr. Sanders' secretary
Velma, see,

and tell her that once again,
I'm too sick to work.

Archie, if you call
in sick once more,

you're gonna lose your job.

Well, Edith, let's face it,
that could be in the cards.

Archie, your job's
the only thing
we can count on!

I mean, with all
the mortgage payments
and everything--

Edith, please!

On the biggest night
of my life, don't spoil it
with them things there.

Now when I get her
on the phone,
you just tell her that,

uh, I had a bad fish.

I wouldn't cook you
a bad fish.

You wouldn't cook me
a bad fish.

Just tell her that
the fish went bad
once it got inside me.

Uh, hello, hello.

Could I speak to Mr. Sanders'
offices, please?

Oh, no, Archie.
I'm sorry.

I-I can't lie like that.

You give me an hour
any Sunday after church,
I'll teach you how.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[WEAKLY]
Uh, is that you, Velma?

[COUGHS]
Uh, listen, Velma,

I-I'm very feverish,
you know?

Yeah. I'm on fire.

Hot all over.

No, this ain't an obscene
phone call, Velma.

This-this is Archie Bunker.

I just want you
to tell Mr. Sanders

that once again I'm calling
in sick for tomorrow.

Yeah-- What do you
mean "before"?

Well, yeah, but how
was I supposed to sound
there before,

chewing on a thermometer?

Just tell Mr. Sanders what
I told you, huh, Velma?

Yeah, thanks.
I gotta run, bye.

Good-bye.
Good-bye, Velma.
Good-bye.

Big mouth.

Hey, Edith, come on,
will ya? I can't wait.
I gotta hurry.

Archie, I'm fixing dinner.
Ain't you gonna eat?

Edith, the boss ain't got no
time to sit down for dinner,
don't you know that?

A boss gotta gulp on the run.
Hey, that's the meaning
of success.

Oh, I know.
Yeah.

Wait a minute.
This is for luck.

Aww.

Hey, you're a little
proud of me, huh?

Oh, of course I am.

And no matter
how successful you get,

I know you'll still be
the same loveable Archie.

Ah, yeah.

I'll never get so big
that I can't look down
on my own family.

Okay, we'll
be down later.
Yeah, swell.

Swell. Oh,
here's Gloria!

I made these sandwiches
for your opening.

Okay, we'll bring them
down with us.
Oh, okay.

Hey, little girl,
what do you think
of the old man?

How's it look, huh?
Wonderful, wonderful!

That's great.
Well, okay.
Mwah!

I'll see yous both
down at Archie's Place,
huh?

♪ Ah-ah Archie
ba-bum, that's me! ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪

[BOTH LAUGH]
Bye, Daddy!

Bye!
See you later!

TOGETHER: I hate that jacket.

TOGETHER: So do I!

[INAUDIBLE]

[HUMMING]

That's me.

"Grand Opening."

I like it better
with an "E",
but what the hell.

Okay, here I am.
Look alive,
look alive, boys!

You're early.
I gotta be early.

There's things to attend
to here, you know?

To remind you what
condition your apron's in.

You want me to change it?

What, do you think
I'm made of money?

Turn it around
to the clean side.

This is the clean side.

Hey, Carlos.

All laughing and signs
of happiness on your
marijuana break, huh?

Okay. Did you
put the powder
in the toilet?

Why?
Because I like
the classy blue water.

Do it.

Now, Harry, listen to me.
We're in this thing
together.

[CRIES OUT]
Jeez!

Harry, there's a spring
in this stool
that does nasty things.

Can't you get some tools
and push that back
down in there, huh?

Some woman comes in
and sits on that thing,

and she belts
the innocent guy
next to her.

Don't give me
dirty looks.
Fix this!

Don't give me
so many orders.
I'm doing it!

Why don't you cool it, Arch?

Because you're a boss
don't mean you gotta get
an ulcer the first day!

Listen, Harry, if it takes
an ulcer to make a success
out of this joint,

I'll take ulcers back to back.

What ever happened to you?

It seems like only yesterday
you were one of the guys,

coming in here to drink
a few beers and get away
from their wives.

Everybody liked ya.

That's all finished, Harry.
You know?

Nice guys finish last,
as Carter said to Lance.

Who's talking about nice?

You jumped from
"barely acceptable"
to "pain in the butt."

Harry, what the hell
are you sore about?

You wanna know what
I'm sore about?

I'll tell ya.

I worked behind this bar
for Kelsey for years,

just waiting for
my chance to take over.

And you aced me out of it!

Well, I'm the boss,
Harry, and you better
get used to that!

Listen, did you
ever stop and think

that maybe you ain't
naturally cut out
to be a boss?

How the hell
would you know?

Harry, if God wanted you
to be a boss,

then why did He,
in His infinite wisdom,

make you look
so perfect in an apron?

Well, there's one thing
a bartender can do
that a boss can't.

What?

Quit!

Oh, come on, Harry,
you ain't gonna quit.

Yes, I am! I'm going down
to McFeeney's bar!

He's been after me
for months!

Are you kidding?
McFeeney's?

Nobody goes there no more.
That joint is a cemetery.

They tell me
the jukebox plays Taps.

Well, let me
tell you something.

I brought
the customers in here,

and I'm gonna take 'em
down the block with me
to McFeeney's!

Harry, Archie's customers
belong in Archie's Place.

What are you telling me?
My customers are gonna
leave me to follow you?

That's right! They're
gonna follow me right down
the block to McFeeney's!

No, they ain't!
They ain't gonna follow
you no place there!

Nobody's gonna follow you!
And let me tell you
something, Harry!

You could rub liver
on your behind and cats
wouldn't even follow you!

Wait a minute!

Where are you going?

If Harry goes, I go.

Well, where
are you gonna work?

Are you kidding?
In this land
of opportunity?

Somewhere out there,
a carwash is waiting.

After all I done for you.

Is this all
you got to say to me?

No, there's
one more thing.
What?

Zip up your fly!

Gee, don't be yelling
out in the street.
What a no class thing to do.

Oh! Look at the sign!

Daddy, you fixed it up
so great!

Hey, it looks great, Archie!
Hey, I know.

Everything looks beautiful,
beautiful, but I'm in
big trouble here.

Why, what's the matter,
Archie?

Here it is, opening night,
I'm all alone.
I ain't got no staff.

Well, where is Harry
and Carlos?

Ah, I fired the two of them.

What for?

For doing something rotten.

What did they do?

They quit.

Oh, Archie!
Well, we can help ya!

I can be the hostess
and show people to the table!

Could you do that, Edith?
Sure!

But, Daddy,
I could wait on tables.

Could you do that?
Oh, wait till you see.

Yeah, and I'll help you
behind the bar, Arch.

Could you do that?
Well, I--I can draw beers.

I don't know if I can
mix drinks, but I'll do
the best I can.

Oh, well, listen,
that's--that's all right.

Nothing to worry about
the mix drink. Look, here's
Harry's bartender's guide.

There, see, and anyway,
most the people come in here,
they only drink beers.

One guy-- Charlie McCree--
he comes in with his mother.

We call her Mother McCree.

Ah! Draw one light
and two martinis, very dry.

Hold the lemon,
hold the olive,
and hold the ice.

Gloria, Gloria,
this is a neighborhood bar.

You don't have to take
your clothes off to work here.

How about this, Daddy?

And a slow gin fizz!

Don't do that!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]
ARCHIE: Get the door!

Oh, it's customers!

No, no, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know, Edith,
I know you're the hostess
and all of that,

but, you know,
this is Archie's Place, right?
Yeah.

And I'm Archie,
so let me open the door
for my own first customer, huh?

Sure, Archie.

I need it.
Please don't be nervous, huh?

Oh, I ain't nervous.

Yeah, I know, but you'll
soon get over it, see. Okay.

Now here we go.
All set. Yeah.

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Oh, come in!
Mrs. Bunker!

How are ya?

Ah, this is my husband--
Archie Bunker.

Archie, this is Mr. Bilky.
He plays the organ
at our church.

At the church?
Yeah.

Does he drink?

Oh, Archie,
he's gonna be the piano player
for our opening.

Remember,
you told me to get one?

So you got
a church organist, huh?

Yeah, well, okay.
Well, then I guess
you don't drink, huh?

I drink a lot.

Well, go on down there
to the piano

and dry out down there,
see, while you're
noodling around there,

and, remember, keep it lively.

Don't play nothin'
that'll bring the customers
to their knees.

Here's some more customers!

It's my turn,
I'm the hostess.
Yeah, all right.

Good evening.
Hi.

Welcome to
Archie's Place.

Yeah. Archie--
This is Archie.

Yeah, that's me.
Hi. Hi.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver.

Oh! Cleaver, a name
you never forget, huh?
[LAUGHS]

Yeah.
You have a little
table for two?

Oh, we only got
a table for four,

but what the hell,
sit roomy, huh?

Go ahead,
right down there.

You'll be needing
music, too.

Oh, Archie. Archie!
What? What?

Do you want me
to sing?

Er, no.

Later on, Edith,
after they've had
too much to drink.

Waitress, waitress,
come over here, huh?

You know, wait on
the people here.
Coming through!

Don't bend over.

Daddy, I'm not showing
any cleavage.

I know, but around
in the back you're
showing a lot "clovage."

Hi. I'm your
waitress, Gloria.

Welcome to
Archie's Place.

That's Archie.
What'll you have?

We'll have two
Harvey Wallbangers.

Oh, that
sounds delicious!

Uh, two Wallbangers!

TOGETHER: Two Wallbangers
coming up!

What the hell
is a Wallbanger?

Check in Harry's
drink book.
Okay.

What brought you two
nice people to our
little tavern tonight?

This is an occasion.
We've been married
two years tonight.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Second anniversary
over here!

Oh, yeah?
Oh!

Happy second
anniversary!
Cut.

Wallbanger,
Wallbanger...

maybe it's under "Harvey."

Arch, there's no
Harvey Wallbanger
in here!

Just take any
three kinds of whiskey,

mix it with orange juice,
and serve it in a dark glass.

Oh! I'll take care
of it, Mom.

Hi. Welcome
to Archie's Place.
Sit down.

How do you do?

Would you like
a sandwich?

Yes, thank you.
Won't you join us?

Oh! Thank you.

So, it's your
second anniversary.

Ain't that nice?

Oh, I'll never
forget my uncle Leon
and my aunt Sophie.

They had a second
anniversary,

that was the second year
of their marriage.

That was cotton.
Cotton!

ARCHIE: Hey, look
who's coming in here!

[LAUGHING]

We just stopped by
to wish you luck, Arch.

Yeah, the guys down
at the plant pitched
in for these posies.

We bought them
at the florist's.

Oh, hey, they're beautiful.

I bet the florist b*at you
for about $ or $
for them, right?

Oh, no, they
were marked down.

You see, they made
it up for a funeral,
but the guy got better.

This is gorgeous!

I'm gonna take it home
and hang it over our bed.

Over your bed?
It says "Success".

Well?
Shut up, you dirty guy.

Say, I've heard of
moonlighting, Arch,

but running a whole business
on the side? Hey!

Hey, I hope the boss
down at the plant
don't find out.

Ah, how the hell
is he gonna find out?

He never comes out
to Queens.

Besides, Mr. Sanders
hates saloons.

You know what happened
to Mr. Sanders the last time
he got drunk?

No, what?
He married Mrs. Sanders.

[LAUGHING]

Gloria?
Yeah, honey?

Here's the two
Harvey Wallbangers.

Just serve 'em,
will you?

Go ahead.

So, my uncle Leon
gave my aunt Sophie

an anniversary present,
cotton.

He gave her
a cotton handkerchief,

only she didn't know that
he wrapped up a string
of pearls in the hankie,

so when she put it up
to her nose,

she blew all the pearls
into Niagara Falls.

Oh!
Uh, two Wallbangers.

Thank you.

This is my daughter,
Gloria Stivic.
Hi.

And that's her husband
tending bar over there,
Michael Stivic.

He's our new bartender.

And, oh, they got
the cutest baby.
Joey is his name.

He's so cute.
He's two years old.

Hey, Edith, Edith!

Uh, Edith, if you
don't mind, Edith,

I hate to stifle
a swell story, Edith,

but I gotta talk to you
just a minute over here.
Excuse me.

Edith, no long stories.

Every paragraph
is costing me money.

Well, I was
just being gracious.

Yeah, I know.
You wanna be helpful?
Yeah.

Check the toilets,
see that the water is blue.

Go on, Edith.

Come in, folks!
Come on right in.

Come right in,
there's seats
for you right here.

Here's a chair
for the little lady.
Sit down right over here.

Uh, waitress, waitress!

Daddy was worried that Joey
would be bald forever,

but now he's got
beautiful blond hair,

much like mine.
Waitress!

Get over here.
You're getting more like
your mother every day.

Serve the customers,
will you, huh?

Hi, I'm your waitress,
Gloria.

Welcome to Archie's Place.
Don't bend over!

And that's Archie.

Hey, bartender, give me
another double scotch.

Uh, you know, I think
you've had enough.
What?

Well--
Wait a minute.

What the hell are you
trying to do,
bring back prohibition?

Arch, there's a new law.

If this guy gets into
trouble, he can sue us.

I'll handle this,
I'll handle this.

Watch me now.
Uh, sir, are you
driving tonight?

No.
Are you an Indian?

No!
Give him whatever
the hell he wants.

Double scotch.
And while you're at it,

make up two more
Harvey Wallbangers

for the McCleavers
over there.
Okay.

Uh, one pink lady

and one Brandy Alexander,
honey.

You know, it would be
a very helpful thing for me

if this could all
be written down somewhere.

Please.

Everybody happy over here?
Yes, Daddy,
everything's fine.

You having fun here?
Certainly you are.

I gotta take care
of my first customers
over here.

Hey, little girl,

did you say something
rotten to the Carvers
over here?

Cleavers.
The same thing.

No, but they said
something rotten to me.
What'd they say to you?

They said you can
take your Wallbangers and--

Never mind!

Serve the customers here.

Don't bend over!
Okay.

MIKE: Arch, here's
the two Wallbangers.

Oh, yeah,
the two Wallbangers.
Gimme them.

Yeah, what am I--

Anybody wanna buy
two Wallbangers?

Yeah, I'll take 'em
if the little waitress
over here will join me.

Oh, sure.
There's nothing wrong
with that.

Uh, no thank you.

This little waitress
doesn't drink during
working hours. [SHRIEKS]

Hey! Hey, watch that!

He groped her!
All right, take it easy.

I'm Archie. Archie
will throw the bum out.

No, Daddy, I'll get rid
of him in a nice way.

Uh, hello there,
Mr. Wonderful.

Gee, I would love
to have a drink with you,

but I'm not allowed
to drink with the customers

or I might get fired.

See, my boss is a creep.

And then I'd be back
out walking the streets,

and I've got three
hungry kids at home

and I got a husband
who bashes my skull in.

You know what?
These used to be
my real teeth.

That was pretty nifty,
little girl.

You know?
Thanks.

I'll bet the cops
could use that face
for riot wear.

♪ You stole my heart away ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
Edith!

Hey, Edith!
* Ask me to *

Edith, hold it,
hold it.

Edith!
* This I know *

Thank you.
Thank you for that
lovely moment, Edith.

We don't need
another moment, Edith.

I have to patch
a hole here.

Yeah, yeah. Ain't you
dying for a drink?

Yeah!
Then go over
to the bar and live.

I'll tell you what, folks.

The little lady's gonna
finish that number later on

and you'll enjoy it better
when yous are all loaded.

[BAR PATRONS APPLAUD]

Oh, hello, Pivnik.

Oh, Mr. Sanders!
Oh, you want Archie!

[LAUGHS]

Archie, we got
trouble here!

Sanders is here.
Uh, oh, what?

Oh, Archie, be nice.
Remember, he's still
your boss.

Yeah, don't burn your
bridges behind you.

Oh, hi there, Mr. Sanders.

Will you straighten up here?
Sorry.

What brings you all
the way out to Queens?

You, Bunker.
Oh!

Jeez, you come out
for the opening
of my new saloon.

Ain't that nice?
You gotta have a drink
on the house.

Get Mr. Sanders
a couple of Wallbangers.

Oh, no thanks.

Bunker, my secretary
said you called in
sick again.

Yeah, well, I had one
of them -hour flus.

You look fine now.

Yeah, well, I blew it
out in eight hours.

If you think you're
gonna chisel the company
out of sick pay,

forget it.

Mr. Sanders, I'm gonna
level with you now.

I don't want
your sick pay,

I don't want
nothing from you
or the company,

'cause I'm a businessman now
with my own business here.

Well, that isn't
gonna last long.

You're just a working
stiff, Bunker.

Hey, it's been Bunker
for the last years,

but tonight,
it's Mr. Archie Bunker,

and as of tonight,
Mr. Archie Bunker says
that he's gonna quit.

Q-I-T, quit.

Well, look,
Mr. Archie Bunker,

you don't know
what you're doing.

These neighborhood bars
are going out of style.

You gotta be a financial
wizard to handle all
your union troubles,

your high costs,
high rents!

Just don't come to me
when you fall on your face.

And don't come me,
neither.

Too late to apologize,
Harry!

But I tell ya what,
if you really want
to apologize,

get behind the bar
and start working.

No, Arch, I just come by to
pick up my bartender's guide.

Uh, sorry, Professor.

Oh, can't I just
have it for tonight?

No, I need it.
Why?

Two people just come in
off the street

and ordered
Harvey Wallbangers.

It's not in there.

Under "V" for vodka.
Oh!

Uh, how do you
like the crowd
we got here, Harry?

Oh, this is nothing.

We're gonna have more
than we can handle.

I talked McFeeney into
putting in waitresses.

Waitresses? Big deal!
We got a waitress.

Topless?

Certainly not.

I can always bend over.
Don't move!

Topless is dirty.

Sure it is, Arch, but
topless is big business.

So long, boss.

I'm going back
where the action is.

Oh, the action! The only
action you'll see over there

is you and McFeeney chasing
after the cockroaches!

You're in trouble,
Arch.

No, I ain't in trouble!
Don't tell me that!

You know what
I think of topless?

When you seen two,
you've seen 'em all.
Right, Edith?

Hey, Arch! How about
livening things up?

Give us a tune!
[BAR PATRONS AGREEING]

No, no, no.

Come on, Arch!
Sing-sing the one

all us veterans
sang in front of
the Americana Hotel.

Which one was that?

The one the cops told you
not to do no more.

[BAR PATRONS LAUGH]
Do that here? No, no.

Come on,
sing the song!

I'll tell ya what I'll do.

I'll do the number if
Edith will come up there
and do it with me.

[BAR PATRONS CHEER]

Archie, you told
me not to sing.

Yeah, Edith, but you
always sound great when
I'm there to drown you out.

Archie, you quit
your job.

Don't worry about that.
But, Archie--

I don't care. I'm gonna
make a big success
of this joint, Edith.

And all I need is you
beside me, huh?

I'm afraid you'll need
a lot more than me.

[BAR PATRONS CHEER]

All right, all right.

We're gonna
give you the tune,

and I know just the tune
we're gonna give ya.

Hey there,
"re-maestro."

Yeah?

Do you know
this one here?

♪ Oh, we ain't got
a barrel of money ♪

♪ Maybe we're ragged
and funny ♪

♪ But we'll travel along ♪

♪ Singing our song ♪

♪ Side by side ♪

♪ Though we don't know
what's coming tomorrow ♪

♪ Maybe it's trouble
or sorrow ♪

♪ But we'll travel our road ♪

♪ Sharing our load ♪

♪ Side by side ♪

♪ In all kinds of weather ♪

♪ What if the sky should fall ♪

♪
♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.