08x09 - Archie's Bitter Pill (2) (aka Archie's Road Back)

[bunniefuu]

You take dr*gs?

No, not dr*gs! Pills!

Take one.
Go ahead, it'll pick you up.

Aw, no,
I read about these things.

They get you hoppin'
like a jackrabbit
with an inside "hemrood."

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna paint the porch!

Oh, Archie, no!

No, not now!
Let's go upstairs!

I'll paint upstairs tomorrow,
the porch tonight!

It's all right, Archie.

I didn't mean no harm, Edith.

Everything's gonna be
all right, Archie.

[CRYING]

I didn't mean no harm.

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Well, I tell ya, see,
my problem was business,
you know?

My business
was kinda goin' bad,

and I was gettin' the blues.

So, uh, I took some
of these little pills.

Pills! We're living
in a pill-oriented society.

We try to dull our minds
to find new thrills

to blot out
the world of reality.

Shameful.

Yeah, well,
I guess it is, yeah.

Well, what are you
in the hospital for?

I'm an alcoholic.

Funny, you look too square
to be a dope addict.

Oh, well, come on, will ya?

Dope addict.
Jeez, I ain't that.

I just took some medicine,
that's all,

like, uh, the way a doctor
writes out a subscription there.

It's like your aspirin,
your Rolaids and that,
you know?

I don't remember hearing
you could get high on Rolaids.

Well, your memories sh*t--
you're a lush.

Bottoms up!

Oh! I'm sorry!

ARCHIE: Edith! Edith!

Come back here.
What are you scared of there?

Oh, I see it now.

Hey, Hanlin there,
when you bottomed up,
you also bottomed out.

ARCHIE: Yeah.

Uh, Edith, this is Mr. Hanlin.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Hanlin?

Very nice to have seen you.

Oh!

Hey, Hanlin, Hanlin,
be careful the way you face
when you get out there!

It's no use. He's gonna moon
the intensive care ward.

Oh, Archie,
how do you feel?

Oh, Edith,
I feel so ashamed.

Oh, you shouldn't,
Archie.

It was all my fault.

No, no, no,
I signed the papers,
and I bought the bar.

Oh, yeah,
but I shouldn't have let you

get away
with forging my name.

I didn't forge it.
I traced it, Edith.

Trace, trace.

Well, all right,
why'd you let me get
away with it, then?

Look at what the result is.
I'm laying here a failure.

Oh, no, not a failure.
You're just a forger.

Oh, jee--

You wanna say forger?
All right, say forger.

Let's tell the world
that the word is forger!

Hey, everybody
on the seventh floor, there!

Run like hell!

There's a forger
laying in the middle
of your midst here.

Shh, Archie, don't.

Why didn't you marry
somebody else?

You'd have been better off,
Edith.

You know, you should've married
Henderson the plumber.

He was an ugly mug,
but, what the hell,
he d*ed young.

Oh, poor Alvin.

You were nuts about him,
weren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but I loved you!

[GROANS]

Well, I'll tell you one thing
about a plumber, you know.

When a plumber's business
goes into the toilet,

you're sitting pretty.
[MOCK LAUGHS]

Oh!
[LAUGHS]

There you are.
Now you're keeping
your sunny side up.

[MOCKING] "Keeping
your sunny side--"

Jeez, I hate that.
I hate all of them songs!

Giving you advice,

like telling you
to go sing in the rain

and go walking
through storm.

You could get yourself
pneumonia trying to be happy.

Come on, now.

Watch it!
That's where
they harpooned me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

There.

Guess what the doctor said?

Five hundred dollars.

No. He says that you can leave
here tomorrow,

and after
a couple of days' rest,

you can go right back to work
at the bar.

Back to what?
Back to nothing.

No, it's gonna be different,
Archie.

You're gonna have
lots of customers.

Archie, would you promise me
something?

What, Edith?

Would you promise me
the next time you feel blue,

instead of taking them pills,
you'll come and talk to me?

All right, Edith.

Aw, thank you.

I love you.

♪ Truly, truly ♪

♪ Dear ♪

♪ Life with its sorrow ♪

♪ Life-- ♪
Oh...

I didn't even have
a chance to say good-bye.

♪ With its tear-- ♪

Help me, Lord.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Coming!

GLORIA:
It's us, Ma.
Oh.

Oh, come on in.
Hi, Ma.

Hi, Ma.
How's Daddy feeling?

Oh, he's very down
in the dumps.

Thank you
for bringing over
that portable TV set.

Is he watching it?

Oh, yeah,
all day long.

I just wish
he'd turn it on.

Don't worry about him, Ma.
TV's better that way anyway.

That sounds
like he's still bananas.

You know
what Archie needs?

He's gotta get
up out of that bed
and go back to work.

Yeah. He does,
but he won't.

I keep trying
to cheer him up

with stories
about some of my relatives

that had worse luck
than he did,

like my uncle Norbert

whose business partner
ran away with all his money

and his wife.

And uncle Norbert
ran out to stop him,

and he got hit by a bus,
which broke his right leg.

Lucky for him.
Lucky?

Yeah,
that was his aluminum leg.

Oh.

ARCHIE: Edith, I told you
to leave the cigars up here
on the dresser.

Now I gotta come down
and get one.

Oh, he's coming down.

Come on, then, honey,
let's cheer him up.

All right.
I'll tell him
I became a Republican.

Sing to him.
Sing?

Yeah.
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Hi.

Edith, do we have to have
these people over?

They're just happy
that you're up.

Ahh.

Yeah, Daddy.
Look at you, though.

You haven't gotten
dressed yet today.

And you didn't shave either.

And your hair's
all messed up.

So I won't make the cover
of Harper's Brassiere.

Just leave me alone, huh?

And get out of my chair.

I'm not in your chair.
You're leaning on it!

Daddy, I think
you should go
back to work.

If you get back to the bar,
you'll have people to talk to.

I ain't got no customers.

The only way I talk to people
at my bar

is if I burn down the joint
and have words with the firemen.

Arch, you know what
your problem is?

You took on too much
for one man to handle.

Yeah, I think you should share
the work with somebody, Daddy.

You should take
on a partner.
Nah, nah.

You should've gone in
with Harry.

No!

Maybe if you ask him nice,
Harry would come back--

No! No!

Arch,
Harry's a good bartender,
and he's a good friend.

I'm getting ready to say no
again, little girl.

No-ho-ho-ho-ho!

And he's a lodge brother.

He's always been
very close to you.

Listen, Edith,
it's my experience in life

that the closer
people get to me,

the more they wanna k*ll me.

Look at Harry.

He runs over there
to the competition.

He was the one
that talked McFeeny
into going topless.

I thought just the waitresses
was topless.

And instead
of the little pills,

you want me to come
and talk to you.

Arch, come on,
talk to Harry.

All you have to do
is apologize.

Ap-ap-ap-ap-apologize?

To a guy for k*lling me?

Did Lincoln apologize
to Alexander Graham Booth?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

John Wilkes Booth,
Daddy.

Don't repeat what I say.

Oh, Manuel.
Bonus Dias.

Oh, now, don't tell me--

Manuel, Manuel,
what are you doing over here?

You're supposed to be watching
the saloon.

Well, boss,
there's a little problem
with the customers.

What?
We ain't got none.

You mean, nobody came
in there all day?

I ain't saying
nobody come in.

Actually there was people
coming and going all the time.

Yeah, well?

They was coming
in with bills.

They was going out
with furniture.

You hear that?

They repossessed the piano.

They carried away
the refrigeration unit.

Anything else?

Well, if you want to play
the pinball machine,

you got to go to Sicily.

Did you hear that?

Why didn't you call me?

The telephone don't work
so good, boss,

since they disconnected it.

Edith.
Oh, I heard that.

Look, I got to be
running along now.

This has been
a pretty bad day for me.

I mean I'm feeling
pretty rotten.

You're feeling
pretty rotten?

Yeah, I was going to ask you
for a raise.

I'm sorry, Archie.

Rotten luck, Arch.

No, it ain't rotten luck.

Rotten me.
That's what it is.

I ain't no businessman.
I'm nothing.

I think that's
what I was born to be--
nothing.

Archie,
I can't let you say that.

It's too late, Edith.
I just said it.

Well...

I'm just gonna bid
my fond adieus

to all of youse.

Where are you going?

I'm going upstairs.

I'm going to get
into that bed,

and I'm going to turn
my face to the wall.

Oh, no--
Yes, yes...

for the next years
or until I die,

whichever comes first.

You wanna do something
for me?

You write up an ad
that I can put up
in the paper,

and I'm gonna dump
that bar

on the first guy
that makes me a good offer.

Arch, you can't do that.
That's giving up.
Edith, Edith, Edith,

just go set
the alarm clock
for .

You're going to sleep
for years?

If it was good enough
for Rip Van Heusen...

MIKE AND EDITH: Winkle.

Winkle Van Heusen...

then ipso fatso
it's good enough for me.

But, Arch, wait--
No, no, no, no...

What are you--
Please, Archie.

[SIGHS]
I don't understand.

I always thought that bar
did such good business.

It did, when Harry
was running it for Kelsey.

If we can only get
Archie and Harry
back together again.

That's right.

I'm gonna go
down there to McFeeny's
and talk to Harry.

What--Ma--Ma,
wait a second,
wait a second.

You can't go
to McFeeny's, Ma.
It's a topless place.

I don't care.
I ain't gonna look
at them--that--those.

Ma, what about all the people
that hang around down there?

The dregs of humanity,
men with twisted moralities
and rumpled raincoats.

Ma, all that nudity.
That nudity, Ma.

I better go instead.

Do you mind?

Eh, when you're number one,
you don't have to worry.

Doctor, he won't get
out of bed.

He says
he's gonna stay there

for years
or for the rest of his life

until he dies,
whichever comes first.

MIKE: What the hell
are you doing?!

[DOOR SLAMS]

Thanks a lot, Arch!

Gloria...

Gloria, did I ever tell you
how much I like your father?

No, honey.

Well,
I'm not gonna start now.

The man is meaner on his back
than he ever was
on his feet.

Just sit down.
It'll be all right.

Ma,
what did Dr. Shapiro say?

He says we gotta be
very patient with Archie

and give him lots of love.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
You hear me laughing
at that?

Patient and love to Archie?

Ma, I tried to show
the man patience,

but he shakes up his beer can,
and he squirts it at me.

As far as love is concerned,

it's very hard to sustain love
when after he drinks the beer,

he throws the can at you.

I tell you, Ma,

it is not the basis
for an affectionate
relationship.

Every time I go upstairs,

he just keeps saying to me
over and over again,

"Little girl,
when's the Meathead

gonna put the 'For Sale' ad
in the paper for the bar?"

Gloria, I am not going to put
that ad in the paper.

That is a good little bar.

Why should he throw it away
just like that?

Well, I'm more worried
about Daddy

than I am the bar.

You know he hasn't eaten
anything since yesterday?

Well, today I made him
some nice Hungarian goulash.

I thought goulash
upsets his stomach.

Oh, no, he loves goulash.

It's Hungarians
that upset him.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I bet that's Harry.

Oh, I hope he ain't still mad
at Archie.

Hiya, Harry.
I'm glad you're here.
Come on in.

Edith, how are you?
Thank you so much for coming.

Sit down, Harry.

I only come
'cause of you, Edith,

'cause you got a sick man
on your hands.

How about some coffee?

No thanks.

How about going
back to work with Archie?

I didn't come
to talk business.

Harry, you have to talk
to Archie.

He needs
a good bartender like you

that has
a lot of steady customers

to get the business
started again.

He certainly does.

He needs you, Harry.

Nah.
You wouldn't have to work
for him.

You could be partners.

No way Archie and me
could be partners.

Oh, that's too bad.

Uh, but if it would make
you feel better,

I'd be happy to go up
and talk to him.

Oh, would you?
Sure.

Oh, great, Harry.
That's terrific

because he just sits
up there all day.

He doesn't want to talk
to anybody.
He'll be so glad to see you.

Yeah, but I promise you
one thing, Edith.

I leave the first time
he gives me a...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I'm just gonna show you
the way.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

I wanna look
out the window.

[ARCHIE LAUGHS]

Oh, that Dennis.
He really is a menace.

Such a rotten kid,
I love him.

EDITH: Archie.

Oh, Archie,
guess who's here
to see you.

If it ain't Alice Faye,

tell them,
"Get the hell out of here."

It's your old friend Harry.

Oh, uh...

Harry, huh?

EDITH: Yeah.

Well, Edith,
you had your instructions.

That's it.
Wait a second.

It ain't personal.
He talks like that
to everybody.

You know that.

You should hear
some of the things
he says to me.

But he always liked Harry,
honey.

He never liked you.

Anyway, let me try again.
Daddy.

Now, Daddy,
Harry was nice enough
to come see you.

Are you going to be nice
to him?

No!

It's hopeless.

[ALL SHOUTING]

All right, shut up,
shut up.

[EVERYONE SILENCES]

All right, all right.

Just, uh...

give me a minute here
to get myself out of my bed,

and I'll be there.

All right.

I'm opening the door.

[GLORIA MUTTERS]
Ow.

EDITH: Oh.

Well?

Hello.

Hello.

Can I sit down?

What are you, tired?

I ain't tired.

Well, then, by no means
would I say that you, uh--

sit down, there.

Thanks.

Should I remove this?

What for?

Make you feel at home.
Topless, you know?

So, uh, how are things
at Archie's Place?

Oh, I'd say, uh, the same.

Same as what?

Same as yesterday.

I heard they weren't
so good yesterday

or the day before yesterday.

or the day before that.

Listen, listen...

I like to run a nice,
respectable, what I call
"establishment," there.

You know?

Ain't all the crowds
of people there,

talking, laughing it up,
all that hiller-arity,
you know?

Who the hell needs that
in a saloon?

Look, Arch.
I know how it is.

It's tough for the little guy.

The minute he walks
out the front door,
he's in trouble.

Everybody takes
a hunk out of him.

He walks,
the muggers zap him.

He runs,
the buses clip him.

He tries to make a buck,
the government knocks him off.

He tries to fool them all
by hiding in the grave,

the medical students
grab what's left of him.

Yeah, it's awful,
ain't it, huh?

He feels like a failure,
a loser, a nothing,

a lowly worm
crawling in the dirt.

Well, don't say that,
Harry.

I mean, after all...

you may be a worm,
but you ain't crawling
in the dirt.

You want your old job back?
You got it.

Add a little cut
in salary of course.

I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you.

No, you wasn't talking
about me!

I ain't no worm.
I'm a boss.

I don't know
what the hell you are.

You wanna know what I am?
I'll tell you what I am!

I ain't up to my butt in debts!
That's what I am.

Well, let me tell you
something.

The good Lord will forgive me
for being up to my butt
in debts,

but you, Harry--
you're going straight to hell

for being up to your butt
in boobs.

What a jerk I am!

Here I was
willing to come back,

pay off everything you owe,
and be your partner.

What a dummy!

Who asked you to do that?

Edith asked me, that's who!
And Mike and Gloria, too.

Oh...so they done that, huh?

Hey, out there in the hall
listening at the door!

Mind your own business!

They
was just trying to help you,
and so was I.

Now, do you
or do you not want me
for a partner?!

[BLOWS RASPBERRIES
TO SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT]

That does it!

I'd rather work
with topless here
than topless here!

Go on and work with--

Harry, wait a second!
Hold on, let me talk to him.

I'll bring him out to you.

Arch, what are you doing?

Harry's giving you
a chance to save the bar.

You're lying here in bed?

Fare thee well, Meathead.

Oh, look at this.
He's under the covers.

Now, come on, Daddy.

Oh, Ma, look at him lying here
like a fetus in the womb.

I don't care what Ma's gonna
feed us at noon.

I ain't eatin' nothin'!

Daddy, are you ever going to get
out of this bed?

No!
Here I lay in my bed
till death us do part.

And I'm stone dead.

All right, Archie.

When we got married,

we promised
we would stay together
for the rest of our lives.

So my place is by your side.

Oh, jee--oh,
come on, Edith.

What are you doing?

Can't you leave me alone
in my rotten misery here?
God.

[ARCHIE SIGHS]
Well, we've always been
a close-knit family.

Come on, come on.

Now, what in the hell
is this here?!

Parents and child in a one bed
like a family of dogs.

Get out of here!

Get out of this bed!
No!

ARCHIE: Get out of this bed.
Get out of here.

Well, I'm not going to face
this cruel world all by myself.

[LAUGHS]
Look who's here.

Look who's here
with Daddy.

Well, my God,
this is a disgrace.

Get out of this bed,
all of you!

Get out--
[GLORIA SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

[ARCHIE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, look at this!
He's out of bed!
I don't believe it.

Come on, Arch, go out there
and talk to Harry.

No! He's a worker.
I'm a boss.

I ain't going to him.

Harry, go in there
and talk to Archie.

I'm the guy with the money.
Let him come out here.

Oh, Archie,
this is your big chance.
Be nice.

Don't everybody
be telling me to be nice!

I ain't changing my life
for nobody.

Harry, come on, don't blow
a good opportunity like this

just because he's being
stubborn!

Now, come on!
Don't push me around!

Okay, Arch,
I'll bail you out.

And we're partners,
- .

Well, wait a minute,
- ?

What are you talking about?
Seventy-thirty.

Sixty-forty.

Uh--uh... - .

Sixty-thirty?
There ain't no - .

Well, what do you gotta get
so I get ?

Forty.
I got you there,
wise guy.

Deal! Sixty-forty.

How about that?
All right.

Now, listen,

: in the morning,
you get down and open up
the joint, see.

Why me?
We're partners.

When talks,
listens.

Oh!
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪♪♪

MAN:ALL IN THE FAMILY
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE

BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.