08x12 - Mike and Gloria Meet

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

That's not how you say it.
It's a tee-ruck. A truck.

Shh.
Don't talk so loud.

Archie's asleep.

He worked at the saloon
till all hours last night.

He didn't get home until
five o'clock this morning.

I was sound asleep.

Then how'd you know
what time it was?

Oh, Archie always
wakes me up

to tell me it's only him
getting into bed with me.

That's considerate.

Oh, I don't mind.

Sometimes I'm in the middle
of a bad dream

and that gets me out of it.

Yeah, but what if
you were having
a dream about...

Paul Newman?

Oh...

Oh!

Ohh.

I don't have
dreams like that.

Often.

Mailgram
for Gloria Stivic!

Mailgram
for Gloria Stivic!

The impact of a telegram
at a fraction of the cost.

Quiet.
Shh!

Why are you
shushin' me?

Archie's asleep.

He is like hell.

Oh, Arch,
did I wake you up?
I'm sorry.

Think nothing of it,
meathead.

A few brief winks a night
is all a workin' man needs.

Oh, Archie, you better
go back to sleep.

I'll make you a nice,
hot cup of cocoa.

Cocoa gives me gas.

Oh! Cocoa will
make you sleep.

You want me to
sleep with gas?

Gloria, who's
the mailgram from?

It's from my old friend
Debbie Ballantine.

Did I hear
Debbie Ballantine?

Yeah.

I never liked her
and I always will.

She just had another baby.

Debbie Ballantine
had another baby?!

What does that make,
four or five?

Six.

Oh, my! Somewhere
along the line,

I lost a whole baby.

Somewhere along
the line,

did Debbie ever pick
herself up a husband?

Who's Debbie Ballantine?

She's the mother
of a kindergarten
in Woodside.

Honey, you gotta
remember her.

If it wasn't
for Debbie,

you and I would
never have met.

That's another reason
I'll never like her.

Don't you
remember her?

He don't
remember nothin'

from the past
exceptin' meals.

Ma and Daddy went
to visit Aunt Iola.

Who was supposed
to be dyin' again.

Anyway,
that left me alone

here in the house
for the whole weekend,

so I had my friend
Debbie come over
and stay with me.

It's hard to believe
that was nine years ago...

Ah, Edith, I ain't
in the mood for this.

Do we have to go over

and see
your aunt Iola today?

Oh, Archie, she
may not be alive tomorrow.

So we could have
a nice, quiet visit
over there.

Oh, Archie.
Oh, be nice.

That poor,
sweet old lady

is at death's door.

Ah, come on, Edith.

For the last ten years

she's been
at death's door,

but she never knocks
or rings the bell

or makes
an honest effort
to get in there.

Gloria! Debbie!
We're going!

Oh, okay, Ma.

Bye.

Give Aunt Iola my love.

Bye, Daddy.

Why aren't
you smiling?

You aren't goin'
to a funeral.

That's why
I ain't smilin'.

- Bye, Ma.
- Bye, dear.

Oh, geez, Edith.

What the hell you got
in this bag here?

- Bricks?
- No. Marmalade.

Aunt Iola loves
my marmalade.

I'm takin' her
jars.

Oh, ain't that nice?

I'll tell you one thing,
I ain't gonna lug
this back to New York.

If Iola
dies over there,

the marmalade gets
buried with her.

Bye, Ma!

Oh, good-bye now.

You girls have
a nice time studyin'.

Good-bye, Daddy.

Your mother
told youse--

be good girls,
now.

BOTH: We will!

Now let's get
a couple of guys

and tell them
to come over.

No, Debbie,
I don't think

we should have
boys over here.

I promised
my parents
that we'd study.

And besides,
there's nothing excitin'

goin' on over here.

There will be.

Oh?

Oh!

Ohhh!!

No, I don't think

we should have
boys over.

Are you afraid
to have boys
over here?

Nah, course not.

What's the matter, then?

I don't know.

What would we do
when the boys get here?

Gloria...are you
still a virgin?

Well, uh...

Um...

Don't you remember?

It's not my fault, see.

It's my parents.

They're virgins?

Of course not!

It's just that
my father thinks

that a girl shouldn't
have [WHISPERS] sex

until after
she's married,

and even then, only when
it's absolutely necessary.

It's just that my father
thinks that it's okay

for men
to have [WHISPERS] sex,

but it's not okay
for women.

Well, who are the men supposed
to have [WHISPERS] sex with?

I don't think
he's thought it
through that far.

I'm thirsty.

Look, Gloria,

I just met
this guy who says

he's got a groovy
new roommate.

A roommate?
What do you mean,
roommate?

They're college men.

College men?

Oh, my God!

Oh, I don't know,
Debbie.

I mean, I've heard
how these college men are.

Well, that's
why we want them
to come over here.

Oh, my God.

Look, you'll probably
love Jim's roommate.

Oh, yeah?
What's he like?

Oh, he's swell.

I hear he's from
outside of Chicago.

Outside Chicago?!

Wow! He sounds terrific.

What do you say, Gloria?

Should I call 'em over?

Well, all right.

What have I got to lose?

Forget I said that.

But you know,
wait a minute, Debbie.

What if I
don't like him?

Well, um...

just give me
a signal.

Oh, okay.

If I don't like him,

I...will...

pull on my ear
like Carol Burnett.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God!
- What's the matter?

If I got a date tonight,
I better curl my hair.

Really?

Hauser.

Okay, Debbie.

See you at : sharp.

Where you goin'?

We. We're going.

I just fixed you up
with a great chick.

I can't.
I'm busy tonight.

We're gonna picket

Nixon's inaugural ball
at the Waldorf.

You're still bitter
'cause your candidate lost.

Yes, yes, I am bitter.

I am damn disappointed
in a country

that would elect
Richard Nixon and not
Eldridge Cleaver.

Forget the picketing.

This girl's supposed
to be gorgeous.

What if I
don't like her?

Then you'll give me
the secret signal.

I'll make some excuse
so you can split.

Okay.

Come on, I gotta stop
by the drugstore first.

Drugstore?
What for?

I wanna take the danger
outta being close.

Oh, you mean...

Clorets! I need Clorets.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

GLORIA: It's the doorbell.

- DEBBIE: It's the guys.
- [ GLORIA SHRIEKS ]

Oh, Gloria!

Please don't go,
Debbie!

Gloria, shut up!

- But I'm
not ready yet.
- Shut up!

- [DOORBELL]
- Coming!

- Hi, Jim.
- Hi, Debbie.

Debbie, Mike,
Mike, Debbie.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to see you.

Hi.

Hi.

Ohh...

Before there's any mix-up,
Jim is my date.

Gloria, this is yours.

[MOUTHING]
Debbie.

Debbie, we gotta
do something.
I can't stand him.

Why not?

That hair...
and that beard.

There's things that
look like jam in it.

Gloria,
I don't understand you.

What did you
expect him to look like,
a knight on a white horse?

No, but I didn't expect him
to look like a horse.

Please, Debbie,
whatever you do,

don't leave me
alone with him.

Whatever you do,
do not leave me
alone with her.

What's wrong with her?

What's wrong with her?
She's a shrimp!

And that hair! It looks
like the warden pardoned her

one minute after
he threw the switch.

Come on, Mike, come on.

What I saw
wasn't half-bad.

There's only
half of her there!
Where's the rest of her?!

- Hi, guys.
- I got sodas,

but you'll have
to have root beer

'cause I drank
the last Yoo-Hoo.

You wanna go upstairs

and watch television,
Debbie?

Oh, I'd love to.

Uh, no, no!
No, wait a second!

Wait!

There's
no TV upstairs.

Yeah, besides,
there's nothing good

on television
tonight, anyway.

Okay, let's go
out to the car

and listen
to the radio.

You can't! We don't have
a radio in the car.

Okay, we'll
listen to the dashboard.

No, no, hey!
Hey, fellas!

Well...

might as well sit down.

- No!
- What?

Not allowed to sit
in that chair.

Why not?

Because it's
my father's chair

and he doesn't like
anyone to sit in it.

Well, how's
he gonna know?

Because he was
wounded in the w*r,

you know, WWII,
the big one?

And where he was wounded
is how he knows

if someone's been sitting
in his chair.

Is that one all right?

Yes, my mother
wasn't wounded.

[SIGHS]

So.

Is your whole family small?

Yeah, there's
just the three of us.

So.

Do you make
your own clothes?

Well, I design them.

Someone else
runs them up for me.

What are you
looking at?

Your hair. It's--

It's very...interesting.

It's natural.

The color or the curl?

Both.

Your hair's...
very interesting, too.

It's natural.

Does it take long to comb?

I don't know.

Do you like
knock-knock jokes?

What?

Go ahead. You start.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

I gotcha!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
That's funny.

- I know!
- That's very funny.

Yeah, funny girls
turn me off.

And you know,

for a college man
you're kinda icky.

Icky?

You must be
an English major.

What did you
come over here for,

to insult me?

Uh, no, no.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Look, uh...

I don't think this is
working out between us.

Why don't we just
call it a night, huh?

That's fine
with me, Mort.

Mike.

Whatever.

It's, uh,
no hard feelings?

No, no hard feelings
at all.

I--I really should
be studying anyway.

Yeah, well,
good night.

Yeah.

Good night.

Uh, what are
you looking at?

Oh, I was just
trying to figure out

what you look like
without that beard.

Without the beard?

I look just like
Fred Astaire.

[GUFFAWS]
You're kidding!

No, really!
It's the truth.

People,
complete strangers,

stop me in the street
and ask me to tap-dance.

So, it was either
grow the beard

or take
dancing lessons.

Oh. Well.

[SIGHS]
Good night.

You know,
if your hair

were longer
and straighter,

you would
look just like
Ginger Rogers.

- No!
- No, really! I mean it.

- You're kidding!
- I mean it, yes!

You mean if I had
long, straight hair

we'd probably be
dancing partners?

Well, I...

We might.

You like to dance?

I hate to dance.

But it's--what I hate--
modern dances.

You know, the modern dance,
they're all so...

icky.

Well put.

I think they are too.

Really? You're
the first girl I ever met

who doesn't like
the modern dances.
That's terrific.

Yeah, well,
I like ballroom dancing.

I like the tango
and the foxtrot--

Yeah, I--
that's what I like.

I like those--
I like that, too.

The boys I know
can't dance like that.

Well, I can dance
like that.

That's far-out.

Where'd you ever learn
ballroom dancing?

Oh, my father
taught me.

Really? Sounds
like a great guy.

Yeah, you'd love him.

Well, uh...

What d'you say,
Ginger?

Hehe.

I'd love to, Fred.

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together
dancing... chest to cheek ♪

Very good!
That's very nice.

You're
a very good dancer.

And you're
a big dipper.

Uh...thanks
for the dance.

It was nice
meeting you.

"To all, to each,
a fair good night."

"And pleasing dreams
and slumbers light."

You know that poem?
That's Sir Walter Scott--

- "Marmion."
- That's my favorite poem!

- It's mine too!
- Really?

Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- Wh-what are you doing?

I mean what
are you doing?!

Well, I was just doing
what I usually do

when I do what we did!

Does that mean
you have a routine?

No! No, I was just
doing what a person does.

Well, this person doesn't.

Never?

No. Never.

You mean you're a--

Yes.

I am.

I don't think I ever
met one of them before.

Is something
the matter?

D'you have
anything to eat?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Come on in the kitchen
and I'll fix you something.

Great.

I'll see what we have
in our refrigerator.

We got some
whole-wheat bread here,

and, uh,
Daddy's got some...

frankfurters,

and there's some...

baking soda.

And there's some
Velveeta cheese.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Wh-what's the matter?

D--uh, don't
you like me?

Oh, I do.

That's just the trouble--
I'm so confused.

See, part of me wants to,

but part of me doesn't.

Which part wants to?

- I'm sorry!
- Oh, so am I.

Uh, but I
understand.

- Do you?
- Yes, I do.

Oh!

But not completely.

What do you like me for,
for me or for my body?

Do I have a choice?

Uh, I mean,
it's a combination.

It's a combination.

Oh.

- Mmm.
- Mm-mmm.

Mm, that's enough!

That's enough?!

That's not enough!

In an hour,
it'll be enough.

Get up,
get up, get up!

Get up, okay.
I'll get up.

I'll get up,
I'll get up.

Give me a minute,
I'll get up.

Just a second,
okay?

All right.

All right.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm just fine.
I'm okay.

Just had a little cramp
in my leg, that's all.

Eh, it's better now.

It's much better now.

I just want you
to understand.

This is only
our first date.

I understand, I understand
it's our first date.

I understand
that a girl like you

shouldn't be doing things
like this on a first date.

- No, I shouldn't.
- I understand.

So, good night.

Good night?

Gloria, I really--
I think I'd better go.

Oh, well, uh--

Oh, good night.

Hi, Gloria, here I am
for our second date.

What? What's the matter?

Why not? Come on!

It's the second date!

You said two dates.
Gloria, come on!

...oughta be
a different night,

so he chases me
into the kitchen,

- and then--
- Oh, it was great.

It was great.

[GIGGLING] Oh!

You get a little thrill
outta that.

What about you two?

What happened
on your first date?

Oh, make believe
you don't hear that.

Oh, I'll
never forget!

Try, you know?

I was at the Puritan Maid
Ice Cream Parlor.

Don't make it
a long story, will ya?

Me and my cousin Maude--

Maude?!

We was having one
of their specials.

It was called
a Steamboat.

Oh, it was
so delicious!

Five different flavors!

Anyway, Archie
was sitting

at another table

with that fella,
Jefferson Pratt,

remember him?

Well, anyway,
Archie was trying
to get my attention,

so first he put
two straws in his nose

like a walrus...

[APPLAUSE]

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.