08x13 - Edith's Crisis of Faith (1)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SINGING NONSENSE]

Ooh, ouch. Ooh.

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- It's me, Ma.
- Oh, yeah, Gloria.

♪ A glorious song
of hope... ♪ Oh!

Hi, Ma, I can only stay--
Oh, Mom, mwah!

I can only stay a minute
'cause Joey's sleeping

and the baby-sitter
didn't get there yet.

What's the big surprise?

Come on and read this.

"Beverley La Salle,

"world-famous female
impersonator..."

Carnegie Hall,
December th!

That's wonderful,
Beverley's gonna
play Carnegie Hall.

We're gonna go,
aren't we?

Oh, sure,
and that ain't all.

Guess who just stopped by
and left them presents,

and is upstairs right now
tryin' on his dress

he's gonna wear
at Carnegie Hall? Guess!

Is it Beverly La Salle?

You guessed!

What am I gonna wear
to Carnegie Hall?

Are ya up there, Beverley,
you big, bogus bimbo?

Hi, you little
sawed-off sexpot.

Stand back,
and prepare to be dazzled.

♪ I stepped out of a dream ♪

♪ I am too wonderful to me,
I seem ♪

Oh, Beverly,
oh!

Do you think
it's too busy?

No, Beverly,
it's beautiful.

You look exquisite.

I do, don't I?

Oh, Beverly, where
did you ever get that?

Oh, I have
the best dress-maker
in the whole world.

Who is she?

Mr. Florence.

Mr. Florence,
is that a he or a she?

Yes.

I'll explain it
to you later, Ma.

Bye, Beverly.

I gotta get home to Joey.

Ma, Michael and I
want you to and Daddy

to come over and help us
decorate the tree tonight.

You too, Beverly.

Oh, I can't,
I have to rehearse.

All right for you,
you dizzy queen, you.

Oh, Carnegie Hall.

I ain't never been
to Carnegie Hall.

I went with Archie once
to get a suit at Robert Hall.

Well, you're going
to get to Carnegie Hall,

and you're gonna have
the best seats in the house.

Oh, Beverly,
that's so sweet of you.

Well,
who deserves it more

than the man
who saved my life

and his wonderful
wife and family?

You don't have
to go right now.

Sit down and talk to me
while I set the table.

Sit down
in this dress?

Are you kidding?

[IMITATING MAE WEST]
One false move

and you'll have wall-to-wall
foam rubber, aw.

Oh!
[LAUGHS]

Bette Davis.

Oh, Beverly,

Archie is gonna be
so surprised to see you.

I'll bet.

Since you're stayin'
all next week,

why don't you come and have
Christmas dinner with us?

I'd love to.

Good! You don't
have to dress up,

just come as you are.

Oh, I mean, uh, you don't
have to wear a dress.

You better not.

Oh, Beverly,
I got somethin' for ya.

It's very special.

I was gonna
save it for Christmas,

but I'm gonna
show you right now.

I love surprises.
What is it?

My whole career's
built on surprises.

Here you are.

A scrapbook.

I saved all your reviews
from all over the country.

Aren't you nice?

Oh, well, we're just
proud of you.

I mean, there have been
celebrities in this house--

Sammy Davis Jr.,

and Lena Fleischacker,

whose niece did a TV
commercial for bad breath,

but you're the only one
that's like family.

I love you, Edith.

To me,
you're like a sister.

Oh, Beverly, to me
you're like a sister.

Uh, no, I mean brother.

Oh, well,
both rolled into one.

Edith, I'm home.

EDITH:
Oh, yeah, Archie.

Where are you?

Archie, don't come in here.
I'm in the kitchen.

Oh, well, I'm already
sittin' at the table, Edith,

with the Kn*fe and fork
poised in my hand here,

and my starved-to-death eyes
are lookin' down on nothin'.

Don't--don't
come out here.

I got a surprise
for ya.

Are you cookin'
in your underwear again?

That was just
on one of them hot days.

Archie, I got
a surprise for ya.

Close your eyes.

Oh, jeez, all right.

Are your eyes closed?

All right, Edith,
but hurry it up, will ya?

All right,
now don't peak.

Oh, come on, Edith.

Don't keep my eyes
covered up all day, will ya?

Jeez, I'm hungry.
What is it?

I got a rubbery feelin'
it's Beverly La Salle.

Merry Christmas,
Mr. Bunker!

No, don't kiss me
no more there, Beverly.

My doctor tells me

I got a communications
disease there.

Don't Beverly
look beautiful, Archie?

What? Well...

Oh, holy jeez.

Oh, yeah, you look beautiful
there, Beverly, yeah.

Jeez, if you come through
the streets to this house

lookin' like that, you're
lucky you got here alive.

Archie, Beverly didn't
come here in this.

She was modelin' it for us,

'cause he's gonna wear it
in his new show

next week
at Carnegie Hall.

And you're all going
to be my guests.

Oh, guests, well, now,

wait a minute there,
Beverly.

I--I don't know
about that,

but let me ask you--

i-is the show dirty?

Sophisticated.

Very dirty, huh?

You'll love it.

Well, I've gotta go.
I've gotta get to rehearsal.

♪ Fa la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Don we now
our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la ♪

She looks like
Howard Cosell in drag.

Oh, Archie.

Beverly's gonna be here
all next week,

so I invited him
to Christmas dinner.

You done what?

Well, I thought
it would be nice.

- Edith, I do not want her...
- Him!

Um, him, whatever.

I do not want
whatever to have

[RAISING VOICE]
Christmas dinner--!

Shh!

[MUMBLING]

With us.

Archie, Beverly's
all alone.

I mean, his family
is all gone!

Sure, they're all gone.

They run like hell
away from him.

Oh, they d*ed!

Sure, they d*ed
of shame.

Aw, gee. We're all
God's children.

God loves everybody,
including Beverly,

and he don't want nobody
to be alone on Christmas.

Besides,
I already invited him.

Now, let me tell you somethin'
you're forgetting lately.

A man's home is his castle,

and in this here castle,
I am king.

And I am queen.

Well, this king can only
handle one queen at a time,

so disinvite her!

Merry Christmas,
everybody!
Honey.

Hi, Mike.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Look at this.
He's always makin' love

like he's gonna be
hung tomorrow.

Why are you always bothered
by a simple show of affection?

Because I hate it.

EDITH:
Here's Beverly.

You remember
Beverly La Salle, Mike.

Beverly?

Gee, how are you?

I didn't recognize you
without your dress on.

He looks damn good
without his dress on.

Let me tell you
somethin' there, Bev.

You keep on wearin'
men's clothes,

and I'll be willin' to bet
that in no time at all,

you could
turn yourself around.

Oh, don't be
givin' me them looks.

These here problems
are much more easy solved

than you liberals
would have us believe.

Archie, Beverly
ain't got no problem.

He's a perfectly normal
female impersonator.

Thank you.
[KISSES]

Oh.
[KISSES]

I'm only sayin'

that she looks wonderful
in those pants.

But who'd
come to Carnegie Hall
to see me in pants?

Well, they might
if you worked up
some kind of an act there.

Hey, you could learn
to play the violin,

like that guy I once heard,
"Yenuhu Menuhu."

I gotta go.

Is there any place nearby
I can get a cab?

Oh, yeah, there's a place
up on Northern Boulevard.

I'll walk you there.

I gotta stop by
the store anyway.

Uh, listen, listen.

Save the family name,
will ya,

and walk way ahead of him.

Where you goin',
honey?

I gotta get a new star
for the top of the tree.

I love the old star.

What the hell'd
you do with it, eat it?

Arch, the star
was made out of glass,
aluminum, and wire.

Oh, that's right.
You don't eat wire.

Have a wonderful
afternoon, Edith.
Thank you.

- Bye, Beverly.
- Good-bye, Gloria.

- Don't forget, we'll see
you Christmas at : .
- Great.

[DEEP VOICE]
Arch and I can watch
the football game,

have a couple beers,

sit around
and punch each other.

Did you hear the voice
on him there?

She could change herself
over like that.

What a dumb thing to say.

Don't call me dumb.

Go home to your house.
Watch the baby.

The gypsies will come
and steal him.

Nobody's gonna steal Joey

with Cybil Goulie
lookin' after him.

Here, grumpy,
this is for you.

No, no, I don't want
no Christmas present.

It's not
a Christmas present.

You didn't
get me nothin', huh?

Would you just open it?

It's somethin'
for you to wear.

Archie Bunker
don't need no clothes

for the rest
of his life.

Oh!

Look, Daddy.

Ain't this
beautiful?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, that ain't for me,
little girl.

But we all decided that you're
gonna play Santa Claus

this year for Joey.
Oh, no, no, no.

If you don't I'll cry.

Listen, don't think you can
change my mind with cryin'

anymore, little girl.

Now, you just go home and tell
your husband to play Santy.

But Michael doesn't have
a big belly, and you do.

Now, do it!

What the hell ever happened
to the good old days,

when kids was
scared to death
of their parents?

Archie, come on.

Your belly makes
you look more jolly.

Stop! Stop! Stop that.

Don't touch me
in the livin' room!

Please, for Joey?

It'll look so cute,

and we'll take
lots of pictures.

I said no.

You won't do it,
then I'm gonna be--

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

All right!

Good.
[KNOCK]

Somebody's here.
Hiya, folks.

Oh, hiya, Barney.

Hey, Arch. Arch, I gotta
talk to you a minute.

What do you want,
Barney?

Come on out here.

What do you
mean out here?

Now, come on, Barney,
what are you doin'?

It's cold out here.
Draggin' me out on the porch.

Oh, look at this.

Don't you know that
snowflakes is full of germs?

Never mind that.

Listen,
is Mike in the house?

No, he went
to the store.

Oh, jeez,
maybe it was him.

What are you talkin' about?

Two guys were just mugged
down on the corner.

Now, I didn't see it,

but someone said
that one of the guys
looked like Mike.

Now, the cops and ambulance
are on their way.
[SIRENS APPROACHING]

Mike got mugged?
Yeah.

GLORIA:
What did you just say?

Don't tell them.

Mike got mugged.
[GROANS]

Michael. Michael!

Ah, boy. [SIGHS]

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh, Michael! Michael!

Oh, your arm!

[WHINING] Your arm!

Oh, and your head!

Your head!

And your eye!

[CRYING] Your eye!

Gee, honey, thanks
for coming by to cheer me up.

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I won't do it anymore.

I can't help it!

Gloria, please, don't cry.

What a night--
first a mugging,

now a drowning.

Honey, are you
all right?

- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

Yes, I am positive.
H-how's Beverly?

We don't know.

He hasn't come out
of Emergency yet.

What happened?

Oh, this g*ng
of rotten kids jumped us.

I don't even think
they were after our money.

This one guy had
a lead pipe.

Just as he was about
to hit me over the head,

Beverly tackled him.
He saved my life!

But then two of them,
they started b*ating on Beverly.

I guess they figured out
what he was,

and they just started
smashing him with the pipe.

I don't want
to hear any more.

Oh, honey...
I'm just so glad...

that's you're
gonna be... okay.

Gloria. Gl-Gloria...

- Gloria!
- What?

Uh, I never thought I'd
say this, but I have a headache.

Mr. Bunker?

Are you kiddin'?

Mr. and Mrs. Bunker,

you're related
to Michael Stivic?

Yeah,
he's our son-in-law.

Is he all right,
doctor?

Mr. Stivic is fine.

Oh, thank God.

Are you also related
to Beverly La Salle?

Oh, no, jeez, no.

Yeah, he's
a very dear friend.

Perhaps you can help.

I'm trying to locate
his next of kin.

Next of kin, why?
You wanna operate
on him or somethin'?

I'm afraid it's gone
beyond that.

Uh, well, uh,
what do you mean by that?

Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us
that he's, uh...

I'm sorry.
He just d*ed.

Edith, uh...

uh, did you make coffee?

Oh, yeah.
I'll get you some.

Yeah.

Uh, you know, Edith,

uh, what surprises me is all
the fuss they're makin' today

about all the sugar in things,
you know?

I mean, take this cereal.

Jeez, if they didn't
load it with sugar,

you'd throw up
in the cereal.

You made it kinda weak,
huh?

Oh, I forgot.

Sorry, I'll make
you some more.

No, I can
make it myself.

No, you better get yourself
dressed for church.

All right.

Yeah.

[EDITH SIGHS]

Oh, jeez.

[SIGHS]

"Lookie, lookie, lookie,
all youse kids.

"Realistic, full-detail,
authentic, scale

"reproduction space shuttle
Enterprise.

Send any two box-tops
and cents."

Sounds like a quality toy.

Hiya, Daddy.

Oh, hello there,
little girl.

Where's Ma?

Gettin' dressed
for church.

Oh.

You want some coffee?

No, no,
I don't want none, no.

Yeah, well, I do.

Why did you
let me do that?

I don't know.

Some holiday.

Boy, if it wasn't
for little Joey,

we probably wouldn't
be celebratin' at all.

Yeah, well, that
reminds me, little girl.

Uh, this here
Santy suit over here,

I think you ought to take
that back to the store,

or wherever you got it,

because with all
that's happened over here,

I don't feel like no
ho-ho-hoing, I'll tell ya.

Oh, Daddy,
come on, please.

Just try it on.
You'll see you're
gonna look adorable.

Oh, don't.
No, no, no.

Yes, you look good.
Yes.

I said no.

And I said yes.

I said no.

And I said yes.

Now, who you gonna
listen to?

You.

Let me just
put this on you.

Oh, that, too? Oh--

Daddy, you see,
you look so cute,

and Joey will love it.

You walk in,
you say ho-ho-ho,

he'll go crazy.

You look cute!

Cute.
[LAUGHS]

Don't laugh!

I'm sorry. You just
look adorable, Daddy.

Why don't you leave it on,
so that when Ma comes down

she can have
a good laugh, huh?

Shh.

Hi, Ma.

Oh, hi, Gloria.

How's Mike?

He's okay.

That's good.

Hey, hey, get me a nurse
here, Edith, huh? Huh?

Oh, Archie.

[DEEP VOICE]
Oh, this ain't Archie.

This is you-know-who.

Hey, little girl,
what would you like
for Christmas?

I want Beverly to be alive.

Oh, Edith, jeez.

I can't understand it.

I mean, everything was goin'
so good for him,

and then somebody
had to k*ll him.

Yeah, just because
he was different.

I'll see you after church.

Jeez, I wish she could
get some cheerin' up
someplace, you know?

How many laughs
are you gonna get
in an hour in church?

I don't know.

Ma usually
comes back from church
feelin' pretty good.

You know, I wish I had
told Beverly

what a nice fella she was,

but you don't know how
to talk to them people,
you know?

You don't know
what to say there,

so you don't say nothin'.

Then, all of a sudden,

they up and die,
and the leave you hangin'.

[SIGHS]

Jeez.

But what you said before,
he was different.

See, that's a lesson
to learn there.

Everybody should try hard

to be the same
as everybody else,
you know?

Because, I mean,

that way life is a lot
easier, you see,

for them people,
and also easier

for the rest of us
normal people.

Did you really
like Beverly, Daddy?

Oh, yeah, sure I did.

I mean, you know,
she was a nice fella.

Generous there and kind,

always wrote letters
to your mother there,
Yeah.

and no matter how much
she may have wanted to,

she never
laid a hand on me.

Much too big
for a dame,

but she had
a nice pair of legs.

Why is it that people
always say nice things

about somebody
after they die?

Well, because
people are scared
that the departed soul

might be "hoovering"
around someplace

listenin'
to what's said.

[HUMS EERILY]

Oh, don't do that. It puts
a chill across me here!

[GASPS]
Ooh, ooh.

Don't do that.

But, Daddy, there's somebody
sittin' on the porch.

Yeah, is it wearin'
big, black rings?

No, come look.

Oh, don't kid around
at a time like this.

Get up. There's someone
sitting on the porch.

I don't wanna get up there.

Would you get up?

Ah, cut this out.
Let go of my hands here.

Daddy, who's out there?

It's your mother.

I know.

Hey, uh, hey--hey,
Edith there.

Hey, look
at the time there.

Shouldn't you be
in church now, huh?

I ain't goin' to church.

What's the matter, Ma?

You always go
to church on Sunday.

Well, I ain't goin' today.

Well, that's all right.
That's all right, Edith.

[MOUTHS WORDS[

You don't have to go
to church today.

You go to church
next Sunday.

Maybe I won't go
next Sunday, neither.

Oh, that's all right.

Listen, Edith,
you went to church

many's the time
over the years.

Sometimes I think
you over-went.

The way I feel today,

I may not
go to church...ever.

Well, now, Edith,

you know, I hate to cross you
in things like this here,

but I really think that
somebody from the family

oughta kinda be there,

representing us
in front of God.

Why?

What good does it do?

Oh, Ma.

Ma.

Hey, I didn't do nothin'.

ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.