08x17 - Aunt Iola's Visit

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All in the Family". Aired: January 12, 1971 - April 8, 1979.*
Watch or Buy on Amazon


Follows Archie & Edith a working class family living NY as they deal with everyday issues.
Post Reply

08x17 - Aunt Iola's Visit

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Ma, this is delicious!
Superb.

You are a wonderful cook, Edith.

Thank you, Gloria.
Thank you, Mike.

Thank you, Aunt Iola.

Aren't you gonna
say anything, Archie?

( belches )

Thank you, Archie.
Yeah.

Ah, Daddy...

Ow! Don't pull hairs out of
the back of your father's hand.

Don't never do that
no more!

You mean, "Don't ever
do that again."

When are you going to learn
to speak English?

When I visit England.

And during the last two weeks
of your visit,

I was thinking about
giving up home,
business and family

and runnin' over there--
f*g country or no.

Please, let's not have
no arg--I mean, any arguments

on Aunt Iola's last night.

I want to propose
a toast.
Oh, let me.

To Iola, my favorite aunt
and the perfect houseguest.

ALL: To Iola!
GLORIA: We love you!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I just know I'm not going to
enjoy the next two weeks
at Cousin Sidney's

half as much as I've enjoyed
these last two weeks with you.

It's been such a pleasure
seeing sweet Gloria,

darling Mike,
cute little Joey,

and dear Edith.
Oh....

And?

That's all.

I'll clear the table.
I'll wash, Ma.

What can I do?
Oh, nothing.

You relax. You got
a long bus ride ahead of you.

What are you gonna do,
sit there like a lump?

In my own house, Iola,
I don't never have to
do nothin'.

You mean, you never
have to do anything.

You don't use a double negative.

Why don't you tell that
to the guy that wrote
No, No, Nanette.

I seem to have
lost something.

One of my knitting needles.

I think I found it for ya,
Iola. Here.

Aunt Iola, I made ya
a nice snack for the bus.

Oh, thank you.
I'll put it in here.

Auntie Iola, I found
this book in the kitchen.

Is it yours?
Sex After Sixty.

Yes. Yes, dear.

Is it any good?

It's terrific.
The book isn't bad, either.

There you go.

( laughing )

You're such a caution!

( laughing )

Yeah, yeah...

sex after sixty.

I didn't think that
you was interested in
science fiction, Iola.

After sixty,
those are close encounters
of the best kind.

It's getting late.
I'd better finish my packing.

Shouldn't you
call me a cab, Edith?

I know what
I'd like to call her.

No, it ain't necessary.
See, Archie's gonna take you
to the bus.

He borrowed Mr. Munson's cab.

Oh, Archie,
she's such a nice woman.

Why can't you like her?

'Cause I like my privacy!

Well, you've been private.
She's had her own room.

I never knew when she'd
come poppin' outta there.

Maybe I like to run
around the house
in my drawers.

Maybe I like to run
around the house without
my drawers.

You never done that
in your life.

Well, maybe lately
I got the urge
to do that!

And with her here,
I felt inhabited!

The Reader's Digest says

that the reason some people
don't like old people

is because they remind them that
they're gonna be old someday.

Well, for once
the Reader's Digest is right.

But I don't need Iola
to remind me that
I'm gettin' old.

I mean, I can see that
with all my gray hairs.

Which are all over me now.

Yeah, I know.

But I'm gonna miss Aunt Iola.
She's been a big help to me.

Why, she made her bed every day.

She cleaned her room.

And she went shoppin'
with me.
All right.

She showed me how to
pick out a ripe pineapple.
All right.

You know those green things
on the top?

Well, if you can
pull one out real easy,

that means it's ripe.
All right.

But if it's hard
to pull out,
then it ain't ripe.

Old Mr. Bellini
got so mad at me
down at Ferguson's Market,

he didn't like me
pulling 'em out,

and then they'd get on the floor
and he has to sweep 'em all up.

He thinks I'm ruining
the pineapple,

but I said to him, I says,

"If you pull it out real easy,
that means it's ripe,

"but if it's hard to pull out,

"well, that means
it ain't ripe."

He oughta teach that
to his customers.

Aunt Iola taught me that.

Just because she's old
don't mean she ain't useful.

You're talkin' to the dead,
Edith.

Archie, did she ever
do anything mean to you?

She was the one who said
you shouldn't marry me!

Oh, she ain't the only one
that said that.

She's the one I heard
telling your mother that!

Are you sure it wasn't
my mother telling her?

I know what I remember.

She wanted you to marry
that stuck-up, lace curtain
Irish donkey

Paddy O'Rourke.

He was never stuck up.

Oh, yes he was,
and so was
his whole damn family.

They was the kind of people
that keep fruit in the house
even if nobody was sick.

I'm glad I married you,
Archie.

Fruit ain't everything.

Listen, now that
we're alone, I wanna--
( phone rings )

I'll get that.
I'll get that, damnit!

Conversatin' with the wife
and the damn phone
starts to ring!

Hello.

This is a recorded announcement.

When you hear the tone signal,

open your livin' room window
and jump out. ( raspberry )

Do that!
Hello?

Oh, hello, Sidney.
Sidney?!

It's Cousin Sidney.
Ahh!

Oh, he didn't mean it.
The hell I didn't!

Shh!

No, she ain't left yet.

She's leaving in
about an hour.

Or less, we hope.

Her bus gets in at--

Oh, my, that's terrible!

Uh-oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Uh-oh.

Tell her to take care
of herself.

Oh, don't worry,
we'll think of something.

I washed the dishes, Ma.
Who was that?

That was Cousin Sidney.
What's up?

His wife has to have
her appendix taken out.

She had that done
two years ago!

I never heard of a wife
with a second appendix!

This is his second wife.

Oh.

That don't matter to me.
You call Sidney,

you tell Sidney
we're puttin' Iola
on the bus,

we're shippin' her off to him
as per schedule.

But she can't go
where she ain't wanted.

She come here, didn't she?

No, she's just gotta stay here
for another two weeks,

and then she goes to Emily.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Edith.

Why can't she go Emily now?

Because Emily is in Hawaii
with her husband, on vacation.

Fine! Let her go down
to Hawaii and show them two

how to pick the green things
out of pineapples!

Daddy, I'm ashamed of you.

Ahhh!

You twisted your father's
assiotic nerve here!

Don't you never pinch
your father in his--
in the living room!

Get away, Edith.
Let me sit down.

You know, in China,
old people are the most honored
in the family.

Here we just sweep them
under the rug.

Don't kid yourself.
Chinks do that same thing.

They ain't got rugs there,
so they sweep 'em under
the rice paddies.

You know, Arch,
you are truly a man
of no compassion.

Get off sex! Get off sex!

But what are we gonna do,
Archie?

It's your family, Edith,
figure it out.

Call up one of
the other relatives
and get 'em to take her on!

That don't seem right
with an extra room up there.

I don't wanna discuss
this thing no more.

And what the hell
are you two lookin' at?

Don't look at me,
don't say nothin',

don't butt in,
you ain't wanted here!

Go on home to your own home,
I hear the baby cryin'.

Fine. Fine. Good-bye.

Can I just say
one thing to you, though?
If it don't take too long.

Why is that you can never--

Too long.

Edith, get on the phone here.

Call your...
( applause )

Yeah.

Yeah, Helen.

Well, I'm sorry, too.

Well, I-I hope
you feel better.

Yeah.
All right, goodbye.

Ohh. Well, Helen....

can't take Aunt Iola neither.
Can't take Aunt Iola neither.

Well, we're runnin'
out of relatives here.

What's Helen's alibi?

High blood pressure.
High blood pressure.

And Louie's home
on sick leave.

Sick?! The healthiest
glassblower in Moline,
Illinois?

I know, but you see,

the man working next to him
told him a joke,

and Louie started
laughing...so hard

that he got
an att*ck of hiccups,

and before they
could get to him,

he inhaled
three little swans.

It ain't just that
your family lies, Edith,

but they lie
so damn bad.

Come on,
let's look up some more.

What about your nephew
Fat Freddie from Philadelphia?

Here's his number.
Area code --
Archie!

That was his funeral
we went to last spring!

Oh, yeah,
I remember that.

Al the flags and g*ns.

Oh, what a bunch,
your family.

Sidney's old lady
under the Kn*fe...

Yeah, and Emily
on vacation in Hawaii.

Which means drunk
on the beach once again.

Helen begging off
with high pressure...

Louie waiting for
three little swans to pass...

And Fat Freddie in the ground
under Philadelphia.

I don't miss him,
but at least I know
he ain't lyin' no more.

Well, none of the relatives
are gonna take her.

Well, geez,
I coulda told you
the same thing!

That's your family!
Geez!

They remind me of weasels--
dumb, but shifty.

Well, we only got
one choice, then--

either she goes
to the Sunshine Home,
or she stays here.

That's two choices.

No, 'cause
she can't stay here.

Archie, the Sunshine Home
ain't got no room.

While we're arguing here,
a vacancy might be
opening up right now,

courtesy of the Grim Creeper.

And some guy just like me
might be gettin' ready

to ram some other
old party in there.

So get on the phone
and call 'em up, will you?

Call them up, Edith!

Give me one good reason
why we can't take

that sweet old lady
into our home.

A stroke I may have!

Get on the phone
and call 'em!

It's only the mercy of the Lord
I ain't had a stroke already!

And a coronary thrombonus
in the bargain!

What's going on?

What's going on, Iola,
is bad news, see?

It's Sidney.
He can't take you.

Oh.

And none of
the other relatives we called
will take you neither.

Well, you and me,
we're alike in one way--

the two of us are about
as popular with that side
of the family there

as baked beans
on a bus trip.

All right, yeah.
We'll be over.

Thank you. Bye.

Well, guess what?
What?

Old Mr. Bloomerer
went west this morning.

Don't say "went west"--
he d*ed.

No, he eloped to Albuquerque
with his massage nurse.

What's a massage nurse?

A hooker with a thermometer.

Hey, Ma.
Gloria sent me over
for her pot.

I left it on
the kitchen table.

See, Mr. Bloomerer
used to live at
the Sunshine Home,

but now that he eloped,
you can have his room.

At the Sunshine Home?
Mm-hmm.

Why should I be in
an old folks home?

Because you're an old folk.

It ain't bad, Aunt Iola.
It's a nice room.

And I'm there
three days a week.

I can see that
you get the best care.

Care? What do I need with care?

I can take care of myself.

Arch, can I talk to you
for a second?

Don't you see
I'm busy here, meathead?
I want to talk to you!


Oh, this guy.

Keep sellin', Edith,
keep sellin' here.

What do you want?
Get in there.
Can I talk to you for a second?

What the hell
you come and bother me for?

We're in the middle
of a deep problem
over here.

We're trying to
talk the old lady into
going to the Sunshine Home.

Yeah, I know. Why?
Why?

Arch, she is Ma's aunt,
Ma loves her.

You got an extra room upstairs,

why can't you just take her
for a couple of weeks?

I can't think of anything
more rotten than

sending that lady to a home!

You don't know what the hell
you're talking about here!

I ain't doin' nothin' rotten!
Sit down, I want to
tell you something.

I know a hell of a lot more
about old people than you know.

I see more of them,
and I'll tell you this:

Old people like to live
with other old people.

Oh, come on.
Don't give me a sour face!

They do! They live
all together in a home there.

They talk about
the same things, see?
And they like that.

They come down
in the morning,
you know?

So they talk about
prune juice versus bran,
you know?

I mean, who's regular,
who ain't regular.

Is denture paste
better than denture glue.

They talk about parts
that they ain't got no more.

They talk about parts they got
that ain't workin' no more.

They like that, see?
They have a ball there.

Arch, Iola isn't like that.

She is active.
She has a clear mind.

She is capable of doing anything
that anybody else can do.

Oh, sure, but you gotta
time her with a calendar,
'cause a watch won't help ya.

All right,
so maybe she's a little slow,
but she still gets things done.

What you're talkin' about
is your idea of old age.

You know something?
I think you're afraid
of old age.

Get the hell outta here!
Why should I be afraid
of old age?!

Because you're
approaching it.

I ain't approaching
nothin'!

What are you talking about?
I got a whole lot of life
left in me!

Hey, listen! If I was to
give up cigars and booze,

I bet I could make it
another years there.

Maybe , if I was
to give up...this here.

"This here"...
doesn't shorten your life.

You'd like to think that,
because if it did,

you got about
ten minutes more to live.

Why do I always think I'm gonna
see a light at the end
of the tunnel with you?

I'm goin' home.

Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.

As long as you're over here,

I'm gonna ask you
to do me a big favor.

I want you to go in there
and help Edith

talk the old lady
into the Sunshine Home.

( snorts )
She likes you,
she'll listen to you.

I'm not gonna do that
because I don't think
that's where she should be!

I'm askin' a favor!
I'm tellin' you no!

Wait a minute.
After all I done for you,
you wouldn't--

I want to go home
and bring this pot to Gloria.

Hold it, hold it.

Can I say one thing
to you?

If it doesn't take too long.

Never in my years--

Too long!

You know, your meatheaded
son-in-law

just slammed the door
at me there.

Well, you did it to him.

Listen, Edith...

when I slam my door
in his face,
that's one thing,

but when he slams my door
in my face,
that's something else!

That's vulgar!
Vulgar! Vulgar!

He's a vulgar guy!

Archie, listen to me.

Aunt Iola ain't no burden.
She's the perfect guest--

What are you talking about,
a perfect guest?

Does a perfect guest
take over every conversation
at the table?

Does a perfect guest
yell at me for smokin' cigars?

Does a perfect guest
always try to correct
my English?

Does a perfect guest
every morning

mount an unexpected invasion
on the toilet up there

and come in and catch me
with my defenses down?!

Archie,
when we was first married,

Aunt Iola let us stay
in her house,

and she had to
put up with us.

But Edith,
we wasn't old.

Do you remember
when she took Gloria
for a whole week

when I had the flu?

But what the hell
trouble was that,
a little baby?

And she loaned us $
when you was laid off

so we could pay the oil bill.

I paid her back!
Oh, no.

What?!
Only $ of it.

Remember this, Edith--

$ in them days
was worth about $ today!

We want to
talk to you.

Here they are,
the floozy
and the phony.

Ma, we have decided
that we want Aunt Iola
to come stay with us.

Yeah.
Oh, that's
very sweet of you,

but I don't think
that would be right.

I mean, she's my relative.

Well, she ain't mine.

I feel very close
to her here.

What are you talking about,
close?

She'd just be
across the alley there.

You could run over there
and hug her three times a day,

four if you want to.

She's lively
and she's alert,

and we feel that
she would be
a great influence on Joey,

and Joey just adores her.

Sure, sure,

she's learn the baby
good English

and keep him
off cigars.

Ma, I think
she'd like it with us.

I think she oughta
be here.

But Ma,
we got a place for her,

and she doesn't
get along with Archie...

( all talking )

IOLA: Wait a minute!
Hold it!

Stifle!

Stifle.

Geez, you wanna
sit in my chair, too?

It's very flattering
that you're all
fighting over me,

but I've made up my mind.

I'm going to stay with Herbert.

That's a pretty good idea,
that.

I never thought of her
staying with Herbert.

Who the hell is Herbert?

Is he a relative?

No, he's better
than a relative.

He's my friend.

Whenever I'm between relatives,

and I have a hole
in my schedule,

then I'm always welcome there.

And I love him for that.

You mean you and Herbert--

Edith, uh...
this here, ya know.

Why not?

He's the one
that gave me this book.

He gave you
Sex After Sixty?

Yes--and before sixty, too.

( Gloria laughs )

Aunt Iola,
you're terrific.

I know.

So, Archie, let's get me
to the bus station

so I can catch that
Greyhound to Buffalo.

Some people don't understand

that I'm welcome practically
every place I go.

And not because
they feel sorry for me,

but because they love
a real live wire.

And that's me.

So, good-bye, children.

Bye, Aunt Iola.
Good-bye, Aunt Iola,
I'm gonna miss you.

Bye, Aunt Iola,
have a nice trip.

I'm off!

♪ Off I'm gonna shuffle,
shuffle off to Buffalo ♪

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Hey, uh...(clears throat)...

Iola, I--

Wait a minute,
lemme get down here.

I--I gotta ask ya.

Was you kiddin' around
in there,

or you really got
this guy Herbert
up in Buffalo?

Of course I do.

'Cause, you know,

if you really didn't have
nobody and no place to go to,

I'd have to make you
come back in and stay with us.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

That's sweet.
But there really is a Herbert.

Yeah?

Well, I'll say one thing
for you, Iola--

There ain't no flies on ya.

And if it should happen
that I wind up like you--

you know, on my own--

I'd like to be
just as jazzy as you.

Then you better start
changin' your ways, Archie,

because if you don't,

you might end up without
a Herbert to go to.

Well--well, see,
I'd want it to be

an Alice or a Dorothy
or somethin'.

I mean, I wouldn't have no use
for a Herbert,

you know what I mean?

All In The Family was
recorded on tape

before a live audience.
Post Reply