08x19 - Two's a Crowd

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Okay, Meathead, I'm gonna start
countin' the money.

So lock the front door there,
huh?

Okay.

[PHONE RINGS]

Archie's Place.

Oh, hi. Hi, Gloria.

No, I--I was just down here
helping Archie out tonight.

We were just about to close up.

Oh, that's nice.
Hold on.

Arch, it's Gloria.

She said she and Ma
had a great train ride.

Joey slept all the way
to Aunt Hellen's.

I hate that fat Hellen.

Yeah, yeah,
I miss you, too, honey.

Yeah, well, I won't see you
the whole--the whole weekend.

Uh, no--no, honey, I--
please, I don't wanna do it now.

No, I--I can't do it now, honey.

We're not alone.

Honey.

Honey,
please don't make me do it.

All right, I'll do it.

I'm kissing ears.

I'm kissing your lips.

I'm kissing your neck.

End it with the neck there.

I'm kissing your shoulders.

If you're gonna go any further,
drop down to the feet.

Honey, uh, I think I better
stop with the shoulders.

Tryin' to keep you
in the zone of decency here.

Yeah, I'll see you Monday,
honey.

Yeah, we'll pick up
where we left off.

Yeah, you remind me, okay?
Yeah, good-bye.

What the hell are you
tryin' to do, drive me nuts?

I got enough trouble
with this here.

What's the matter?

The cash register
come up short.

I'm under cents.

What's so bad about that,
cents?

Oh, listen to the college man.

Don't you know nothin'
about business there?

Every cash register's
supposed to check out
on the nose.

Suppose in General Motors,
you know,

suppose General Motors,
with that big cash register

they keep back in Detroit,

suppose they come out
cents short on that?

Well, they just stick
another Chevy motor in a Buick.

Wise guy.

I read it in the paper.
I read it in the paper.

Forget it. I don't wanna
talk to you about that.

You're the kind of a guy
that goes to a John Wayne movie
and roots for the Indians there.

You do that!

Come on here. Here.

Grab one of them cases there.

Help me carry it
into the back room.

Arch, you know,

Joey said something
so funny the other day.

Yeah, what'd he say?

Well, we were
taking a bath together...

- Hold it, hold it!
- and he turned to me--

Hold it, hold it,
hold it.

You and Joey's
takin' a bath together?

Yeah.

I hope you was wearin'
your bathing suits.

Who takes a bath
wearing a bathing suit?

Put the box down.

- What?
- Put the box down.

Sit down there.

Let me tell you somethin'.

A grown man ain't
supposed to take a bath

in the nude
with a little boy.

Why not?

Oh, jeez...

Because when the little kid
gives you the once-over there,

it makes him feel
so hopeless.

I don't think so.

Well, maybe not in your case.

In Japan--in Japan
whole families
take baths together.

Who the hell cares.

The Japs eat fish eyes, too.

What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you?

Didn't you and Ma
ever take a bath together?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Put the box down.

Sit down there.

Don't never ask me
no question like that there.

In the first place,
it's dirty...

Dirty.

And in the second place...

can you picture Edith and me
floppin' around in the one tub?

Don't look at us!
Don't look at us there!

It's awful.
Forget about it.

Jeez! You!

Till the end of time
I'll be tryin' to
straighten you out.

And when they finally
plant me in the end,

they'll be lowerin'
my box into the ground there,

and my words'll
come out of it:

"Don't be dirty.

Don't be dirty."

You won't even be
listening then.

You won't even
be at the gravesite.

You'll be over in Hong Kong
with your family,
taking a bath.

Where do you want this?

You don't--you don't know
what you done there.

No, what's the matter?

Put the box down.

Would you mind openin'
that door a cr*ck
for me there?

Sure.

There's no door knob.

Fancy that.

Uh, how're you supposed
to open the door?

With the key.

Where's the key?

If you could open that door
a cr*ck there,

you'd see the key sticking
out of the lock

on the other side
of that door!

You mean we're locked in here?

I think you have grasped
the situation here.

All right, all right.

We just, uh, we just
break the door down, that's all.

Ha ha ha...

You hurl your shoulder
into that door,

you're gonna have
two armpits on the same side.

Oh!

Gee, I'm sorry I did that!

If I wasn't so made at you,
I'd laugh like hell.

Well, I am not the one

who left the key
on the other side of the door!

Oh, I am not the one who
slammed and locked the door

with the key
on the other side.

I am not the one
who didn't say,

"Don't close the door.
The key is on the other side."

I am not the one who
sponged off me for five years

and didn't learn nothin'
but the name of "Meathead."

I am not the one
who sits and watches

Korean midgets wrestling
on channel ,

and thinks it's
educational TV!

I am not the one
who sits in front
of a television set

for a whole hour,
staring at the same orchestra.

I like symphonies!

If you like symphonies,
you're gonna love this...

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You dumbbell.

All right.
Let's just relax,

calm down, and we'll
analyze our predicament.

Forget the predicament.
Analyze your head.

I'm just tryin'
to figure out
what to do.

There ain't nothin' to do.
We're stuck here

till Harry comes in
and opens up the joint
tomorrow.

[SIGHS]

Wish there was
a window in here.

[SNAPS FINGERS]
You get your wish.
There is.

Where?

It's up on
the far wall there.

Then that's it!
That's it!

- You can't get outta there--
- We can get outta here!

- You can't get outta there.
- Why not?

In the first place,
there ain't no catch
on that window

by which you open
that window.

So, we'll force it open.

In the second place,
that window is painted shut

until the second comin'.

Then we'll break
the glass.

Third place...

[SHATTERING]

There's bars on the window.

Now you got three.

I don't believe it.

We're trapped in here.

We're trapped in here!!!

Aaah! Stop your yellin' there.

You're only trapped
in here with me.

Look at who the hell
I'm trapped in here with.

Hey, anybody out there?!

We're locked in Archie's Place
in the storeroom!

The door is wide open,
so come on in!

And be sure to take
all of Archie's money,

which you'll find
on top of the cash register!

And be sure and take
all of Archie's mon--

Ah! What?

How stupid can you get,

yellin' out there
into an alleyway.

Don't you know
the kind of people

that pass through
alleyways there
this time of night--

nothing but
the crinimal element.

But, Arch, shouldn't we
at least take a chance

that a decent human being
will pass by?

In New York???

You know what
I was thinking there...

is that if we was lost
in the snows up there

in the Swiss Alps,

they'd have to send out
one of them Roman Catholic dogs

to save us.

Roman Catholic dogs?

Yeah, the St. Bernards.

You never heard of them dogs?

They run around
in the mountains there,

with little barrels of booze
tied around their necks.

We have booze
right here.

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, but
I gotta pay for that booze.

The St. Bernard's booze
is on the Pope.

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

That's good.

Hey...

Hey, look at this here.

See this here?

That's an old hunk of
Kelsey's awning there.

See, all the guys,
they thought I should've
kept this up.

But I didn't.

You know,
I never missed it.

Looks like the birds
never missed it either.

Well, you know,
there's a lot of good luck

in bird doo-doos.

You never heard that?

No, I can't say
that I have.

You ain't got
none of that

old-time knowledge,
you know?

I'll put this
around me here...

I got somethin' here
to keep me warm. Huh?

Thanks a lot.

Oh, jeez...

Move over, Mike.

Pain in the neck.
Get in.

Why is it so hard
for you to be nice to me?

What the hell
are you talking about?

I've always been
nice to you.

Get outta here!

You've always been
rotten to me.

Ever since the time
Gloria brought me home
to meet you.

Do you remember
the first thing
you said to me?

Hello?

No, after that.
The second thing
you said was:

"Are you Jewish?"

Oh. Hey, listen.

I-If I would've
been a Jewish father,

that've been the first thing
I said to ya.

I wish you could've seen
the look on your face

when I told you
I was Polish.

[LAUGHING]

Well, you know,
from where I sit now...

maybe it would've been better
if you'd have been a Jew.

Why?

Because a Jew
would've been smart enough

so we wouldn't of got
locked in the storeroom.

That is so awful.

Do you realize
how awful it is

when you say things
like that?

What the hell is awful?

I just said somethin' nice
about the Jews.

It's not coming out--

It's not comin' out
of anything positive.

It's coming out
of your prejudice.

Don't you see that?

Why is it
so important for you

for everybody
to be the same?

Isn't it better?

Doesn't it make life
more interesting

because we're different?

I mean that we're all
different shapes,

different sizes,
and different colors?

Don't go on and on.

I know all about differences.

The Lord made all them
differences, you know?

I'll tell you somethin'...

The Lord wanted the sames
to stay over with the sames

and the differents
to be over there

with the differents.

Hey...Did you ever
read that story

of Noah's Ark
in the Bible there?

- Yes!
- Well, you know then

the animals come up
the g*ng plank into that Ark,

they come up in twos, see?

The same with the sames
and the different
with the different.

So, the tiger, he come up
with the tigeress.

And the lion, he come up
with the lionette.

The zebra, he come up
with the zebrella.

The elephant, he come up
with the...uh...

Well...

With what?

Ah, jeez,
I forget the term.

But you know the point
I'm tryin' to make

is the elephant didn't come
walkin' up there with a Pollack!

I have told you
a thousand times,

I don't like it
when you call me Pollack.

Why do you have to call me
Pollack? I'm a human being!

A human being!

Why can't you think of me
as a human being?!

Because you're an animal.

You was like a wolf

comin' in there after
my little girl.

Not this again!!!

Yes, this again!!!

Then and now
and forever and always!

It's only natural there

that the father-in-laws
is gonna hate the sons-in-laws.

'Cause they'd take away--hey!

When I took away Edith,

Edith's old man--
that was the reason

that he hated me!

He said he had a whole lot
of other reasons,

but that was the reason.

No, I think there were
other reasons, too, Arch.

Oh...that's you.

You're never on my side
of nothin' there.

You don't even know or never
even met Edith's father,

and you're taking
his side over me.

You're takin' the side
of a man...

with no chin
and a go-funny eye.

Who used to tell
longer stories than Edith.

And they was worse
'cause he told them to you

with bad breath.

But I ain't surprised

because in all
the family arguments,

you ain't never on my side.

What do you mean
I ain't been on your side?

- I've been on your side many--
- No...

What about when
you wanted to buy the bar?

And you forged
Ma's signature?

I traced! I traced it!

There's a hell of a difference
between a trace and a forge!

All right,
I'm saying trace!

And I understood
at the time you had that

little thing
with the waitress.

Oh, for God's sake,

ain't the world
ever gonna forget about

my little thing?

No! I suppose not.

Well...[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
to the world.

Hell with the world.

The world out there, kid,
ain't up to no good, right?

You don't trust
nobody out there

except for your own kind.

And you remember that,
Meathead.

That's another thing:
Meathead.

Why must you
always call me Meathead?

What the hell? Why does
that bother you so much?

I bet I wasn't the first one
to call you Meathead.

You were the only one
ever to call me Meathead.

They never called me
Meathead in school.

In school they always
called me Michael.

That's all they called you?

Well, Mike or Mickey.

What a sweet little school
you went to there, Mike.

No wonder you grew up thinking
the world was beautiful.

Why? What'd they
call you in school?

Uh...uh, different things.

Well, what?

- What the hell--
- Tell me.

What'd they call you
in school?

Tell me what
they called you.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I remember when
we went there during
the Depression there.

We didn't have no money
'cause the old man

lost his job--
we was all busted.

And, uh, I wore out a shoe,
one shoe.

So, I couldn't go to school
with only one shoe, see?

My mother, she found
a boot, so...

I had a shoe on one foot there
and a boot on the other.

A shoe and a boot.
"Shoe-boot."

So the kids called me
"Shoebooty."

They used to holler...

Shoebooty, huh?

[LAUGHING]

They used to holler:
"Tooty-fruity,

here comes Shoebooty."

[LAUGHING]

And they kept
calling me that

till they found out
my name was Archibald,

and they thought
that was funny.

And then I wished they'd
go back to Shoebooty, you know?

Kids all made fun
of you, huh?

Yeah, they all made fun--

Well, all except
one little black kid

by the name of Winston.

A black kid liked you?

No. The black kid
b*at the hell outta me.

Why?

I-I don't know,
nothin' much.

Well, he must've
had a reason.

Well, he said that I said
he was a n*gg*r.

Well, did you?

Sure.

Well, then,
that's the reason!

What the hell reason
was that?

That's what all them people
was called in them days there.

I mean everybody we knew
called them people n*gg*r*s.

That's all my ol' man
ever called them there.

What the hell was I
supposed to call them?

I didn't know the dif--
I should call him a Whop?

We couldn't call them Whops

because Whops was what
we called the Dagos.

Did you ever think--

Did you ever think
that--that possibly

your--your father
just might be wrong?

Wrong my ol' man?
Don't be stupid.

My old man, let me
tell you about him.

He was never wrong
about nothin'.

- Yes, he was, Arch.
- Huh?

My ol' man used to call people
the same things as your ol' man.

But I always knew
he was wrong.

So was your ol' man.

- No, he wasn't.
- Yes, he was.

- Your father was wrong.
- Don't say--

Your father was wrong!

Don't tell me
my father was wrong.

Let me tell you somethin'...

Father who made ya... wrong?

Your father...

the breadwinner
of the house there.

The man who goes out

and busts his butt
to keep a roof over your head

and clothes on your back?

You call your father wrong?

Hey, hey. Your father...

Your father...

That's the man
that comes home,

bringin' you candy?

Your father's the first guy
to throw a baseball to ya?

And take you for walks
in the park?

Hold you by the hand?

My father held me
by the hand...

Oh, eh...

My father
had a hand on him,

I tell you.

He busted that hand once,

and he busted it on me.

To teach me to do good.

And my father, he'd shove me
in the closet for seven hours

to teach me to do good...

'cause he loved me.

He loved me.

Don't be lookin' at me!!!

Let me tell you somethin'...

You're supposed to
love your father...

because...
your father loves you.

But how can any man
that loves you...

tell you anything
that's wrong?

What's the use in talking?

[MUMBLING]

Nothin' at all...

Uhh!

Good night, Shoebooty.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.