03x11 - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

[bunniefuu]

[intense music]

No, no, don't, please.
Please, don't sh**t.

[g*n clicks]

[Geoffrey screams]

What's going on in here?

Oh, my God.
Geoffrey, don't move.

There's a dart on your forehead.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

Look, Carlton,
Geoffrey's been sh*t.

Cool.

You people
don't pay me enough for
this.

[scoffs]
Quiet, Geoffrey, you're dead.

Then you couldn't possibly
feel me do this.

Ow!

Well, one down, three to go.

Wait. Is anybody going to
tell me what's going on?

We're playing Whodunit.

See, one of us is the k*ller

and we have to find out
who it is.

I say, we already know.

You and I were together
in the other room, Ashley

and now Geoffrey's worm
chow.

So that leaves only one suspect.

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, Lucy.

Ethel, hello.

Look, it's little Ricky.

Oh, y'all should go check
outside.

Somebody was trampling
through
Aunt Viv's garden.

Nice try, Will.

You got Geoffrey, but you're
not gonna get me alone.

Come on, Ashley,
we're going to the bathroom.

What is he talking about?
I ain't k*ll nobody.

Yeah, and George Bush
is really looking forward

to playing
with his grandchildren.

[creaking]

[intense music]

Man, this is whack.
Don't nobody believe me.

Oh, but I bet you do, right?

[g*n clicks]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take
a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and
my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[inhales]

[panting]

[exhales]

[inhales]

Good, Aunt Vivian.
Good, Aunt Vivian.

Here, beg for a Scooby Snack.

Cut it out.

I'm trying to practice my
breathing for Lamaze class.

Hmm, I don't know, Aunt Viv.

Seem to me
all that heavy breathing

is what got you in this mess
in the first place.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- 'Hi, honey.'

- Hi, Will.
- 'Hey, Uncle Phil.'

You ready
for your Lamaze class?

Philip, you mean,
you actually wanna take me?

I was waiting
for some lame excuse.

Last week,
you said your dog d*ed.

- He did.
- Philip, he d*ed 20 years ago.

Still hurts.

Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, Aunt Viv.

Now this is the most
straight-up, honest dude I know.

Hey, the day that he lies to
you, may all my hair fall out.

[chuckles]
Thank you, Will.

Come on, sweetheart,
we don't want to be late.

Okay. Let me get the bags here.

- Oh! Aah!
- Philip.

- Philip, what's the matter?
- It's my back, went out.

I.. You know, I think maybe..

If I could lay down on the couch
for a couple of hours

you know?

[groans]

Oh, my God,
is my hairline recedin'?

Come on, Philip, sit down.

Now, Will, we all know
your uncle's got back problems.

[groans]

Now, relax, sweetheart.

Okay, I'll go to class
again,
alone.

Will, would you take my
duffel
bag out to the car for me?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine,
Aunt Viv.

[groaning]

[groaning continues]

[laughs]
Yes!

Freeze, bubble-butt!

Oh, this could get ugly.

Philip, what do you have to say
for yourself?

Uh.. Uh.. Uh.. Uh..

Good answer, Admiral Stockdale.

Philip,
this is very important to me.

I mean, after all,
you missed all the other births

of your other children.

Well, it wasn't my fault.
Fathers weren't allowed

in the delivery room back then.

Well, they are now

and I would like you
to share this experience.

Well, I intend to.

I will be pacing up and down
in the waiting room

where a man's supposed to
be.

Well, fine. If that's the way
you feel, forget it!

Oh, wait, Vivian.

- Mm, mm-mm.
- And what's your problem?

Well, don't be trying to make up
with me now.

I'm all pregnant. My feet,
my back, and stuff hurt

and you being all
insensitive.

Ah! Here's our little
mother.

There we go, madam,
a nice glass of milk.

Got to keep our strength up,
eh?

Back off, Geoffrey.

- Oh, pop a Midol.
- Geoffrey, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little upset
with Mr. Banks, that's all.

He refuses to be
my Lamaze coach.

So, um, I'm gonna need one
of you kids to go with me.

- Sorry, homework.
- Tennis lesson.

I just don't want to.

Madam, are you sure
you want another one?

[groans]

Wait a minute, here. Look,
what is the matter with
y'all?

I mean, this is your mother.
She's having a baby.

[sighs]

Look, A-Aunt Viv,
if I was one of your kids..

...I'd be short
with a square head but..

...but I'd be more than happy
to be your coach.

Whoa! Aunt Viv, well, it was a
joke. You can't take a joke?

Oh, come on, Will.
I'm gonna be doing all the work.

All you have to do is cheer me
on. Come on.

Oh, well, well, that's cool.

♪ Go Vivian get busy
have a baby see you later ♪♪

Will, come on, stop it.

Honey, this is a classroom,
not a delivery room.

There's nothing here to
embarrass you. Come on.

[screaming]

- Aunt Viv, you naked yet?
- Will, would you calm down?

No one is gonna get naked.
Come on.

Whoa, whoa, Aunt Viv,
who is she?

Man, she is all that.
She's fine.

She's one of The Fat Boys.

- Hi, Danny.
- Oh, hey, Viv.

How are you?

Ooh! Hey, you know,
can you do me a favor?

I have not seen my feet
since Lent.

Can you, uh, tell me,
do my shoes match?

Uh, no.

Ugh! Damn.

Well..

I see, uh,
Phil stood you up again, huh?

- Right.
- Who's the designated hitter?

- Oh, this is my nephew.
- Oh, hey.

- How you doing? I'm Will.
- Danny Mitchell.

Yeah. So, uh, I guess your
husband will be showing up

any minute, huh?

- No, he's in Mexico.
- Oh, on vacation?

No, on his secretary.

But don't worry,
he's not having a good time.

I filled his thong with BENGAY.

Ooh! Remind me to stay
on your good side, Danny.

Mm-hmm.

Well, what's so funny?

Oh, no, no, it's-it's just that
a dude named Danny Mitchell

is my favorite sportswriter.

Oh! Well, you know,
I could introduce you.

Word?

Hey, how you doing?

Well, wait,
you're the Danny Mitchell?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wait, wait, hold it.

I heard Charles Barkley
on the radio talking about

him and Danny was gonna
rumble
in the parking lot

after the Laker game.

[laughs]
He won't show up, that wuss.

Alrighty, coaches

let's get our mommies
in a comfy position.

- Will?
- What?

Oh,! Oh! That's right.
I'm-I'm so sorry, Aunt Viv.

- That's good.
- Are you alright?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You need some help there,
Danny?

[sighs]
Why, you got a forklift?

- Thank you.
- Uh, Will?

What?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, I'm sorry, Aunt Viv.
Hey, thanks a lot.

I'll help you, Vivian.

Now, I-I apologize.

You were right.
I have a responsibility

and-and I need to be
here tonight.

No, you don't. You just
don't
want to sleep on the couch

Philip.

Well, I hate sleeping on that
thing. It's all lumpy.

Uh, remember, partners,
lots of touching and hugging.

Show each other
how you really feel.

Ow!

I showed up, didn't I?

Oh, yeah, Philip,
for all the wrong reasons.

What is your problem, honey?

Having a baby is spiritual,
and wonderful, and
miraculous.

Well, it doesn't sound
miraculous. It sounds yucky.

Well, you should have
thought
about that seven months ago

before that second bottle
of wine, Philip.

- Wait a minute. Ow!
- No!

Vivian. Vivian, wait a minute.
Now, Vivian, come on.

Hey, Uncle Phil,
how's your back?

- Are they always like this?
- Oh, no, sometimes they fight.

Look, you better go out.
They might need a ref.

Oh, no, no, that's cool.
I'll stay here and help you out.

Oh, great.

Well, Will,
I guess I owe you one.

You know what?

I am covering the Laker game
on Saturday night.

You want to watch
from the press box?

- From the press box?
- Uh-huh.

[gasps]

Okay, I can't breathe.

Okay, come on. Lie back here.
Okay, take it slow.

Take it slow. Breathe deeply.
Breathe deeply.

Okay, focus. Focus with me.

[breathing]

[instrumental music]

[laughing]
Heck of a game, huh?

- Yeah.
- Can I get you anything else?

No, thanks, Tone.
This is fine.

Cool.

- What, nothing for you, Will?
- Uh, no, no, thanks.

I'm still tripping over
that game. Oh, it was hype.

Like, Worthy passes to Vlade.

Vlade back to Byron Scott.
Byron Scott back to Vlade.

Vlade gets the ball back
to Worthy.

Worthy gets it, stuffs, pop.

The Lakers win the game!
The Lakers win the game!

You know what the high point
of the game was for me, huh?

What? When you punched
Jack Nicholson

in the nose
for touching your stomach?

Mm-hmm.

Ooh! Ooh!

Indigestion.

I guess I shouldn't have had
that third chili dog, huh?

[chuckles]

[grunts]

So what's with this free-trade
agreement?

They gonna set it up
demographically, or what?

Tony, why aren't you
driving?

'Cause nobody else is.
The parking lot's all jammed up.

You gonna eat those fries?

- Uh-oh!
- What? What's the matter?

Uh, my water broke.

Oh, that's cool. We got another
one, right here in the fridge.

No, no, no.

I mean,
I think I'm having the baby.

Oh! I just had the car cleaned.

Can't you hold it
for a couple of hours?

[groaning]

I think that means, "No, Tone."
Do something, man!

You think I got time
to Scotchgard?

The woman's having a baby,
you idiot.

Hey, I have feelings,
you know.

Hey, I'm sorry, Tone.
Hey, Tone..

Will, Will, Will,
I need you. Stay.

Alright, alright, alright,
it's-it's cool, Danny.

Um, alright,
I-I know exactly what to do.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Damn you. I said, "Help!"

Hey, is there a doctor
in the parking lot?

- 'I'm a doctor.'
- Oh! Thank God.

Hey, look, doc, I-I got a lady
in here having a baby.

Yeah, you-you're going to
have
to climb over that car.

Yeah, that's good.
Alright, come on.

Wait, yo, look out. Don't, man.

[car horn blaring]

[thud]

Is there a doctor
for the doctor?

- Hey, how's it going, Danny?
- Not too bad.

It's kind of like
trying to squeeze

Della Reese out of a Hyundai!

Alright, alright, it's cool.

Alright, look,
I'm calling 911.

911! 911!

Oh, don't bother. We're in
wall-to-wall traffic.

No ambulance
can get through this.

[groaning]

[screaming]

[both screaming]

Wait, here comes another
one.
This time you better time
me.

Alright. Alright.

[both screaming]

Oh, my God. They're ten seconds
apart. You're having a baby.

- Oh, you think?
- Alright.

Danny, alright, look, look,
look, I-I know what to do.

I-I'll call Aunt Viv.

That's it, that's it.
She'll know what to do.

Okay. Okay.

- Hello?
- 'Hi,Will.'

Wait, wait, wait,
slow down, slow down.

I can't understand you.

No, I don't know where mom is.

Wait, what's the problem?

Sure. Look, Will, I don't
have
time for your little pranks.

I have a date.

What are you doing?

Look, I'm not even playing
that stupid m*rder game,
so..

Look, don't aim
that thing at me.

Hilary, are you there?

[g*n clicks]

[Hilary screams]

Well, I hope you're all happy.

Now I'm gonna have
a big, ugly, red circle

in the middle of my forehead.

I'll look just like Carlton's
yearbook picture.

Hil-Hilary, no, no, don't hang
up! Hilary.

[laughing]

- Danny, what are we gonna do?
- This is unbelievable.

I'm going through all this
in the back of a limo

because of what went on
in the back of my Jeep.

[laughing]

Wow, I got to get me a Jeep.

Look, look, Danny,
can-can you do me

like, like,
one real big favor?

Sure, what is it?

Please don't have
this baby now!

Relax. Relax.

I took the classes. I read
the
books. I can handle it, yeah.

I can't take it! I can't
take
it! I can't take it!

[screaming]

[screaming]

Help!

(male #1)
'Sorry, buddy, there ain't no
doctor out here.'

Hey, man, I don't need a doctor,
I need an exorcist.

[screaming]

Will, Will, there's a bottle
of Dom Perignon

over in the bar over there.

Get it.

I-I don't think so, Danny.

You seem like you might be
kind of a mean drunk.

Oh, I don't want to drink
it.

I want you to smack me
over the head with it!

- What?
- Just until I pass out.

Oh! Oh! This baby's on its
way

and I think it's bringing
luggage.

[screaming]

No way.
It can't be on its way now.

You've only been in labor
for ten minutes.

Oh, tell him. He's coming!

Oh, get out of my way.

Wait, Danny, Danny, Danny,
where are you going?

If I run really fast

I can get back to the forum
and have my baby on the
floor

of the ladies' room
with some dignity.

Wait, Danny, wait. Hold on.

Alright, you win.
Where's that champagne bottle?

Right there. Right there.

- Yo, guess who?
- Not now, man.

We got an emergency in here.

Hence, Dr. Finkelbaum.

- Hey, you a doctor, man?
- Yeah.

I love you, man. I love you.
Go. Go. Move.

So, uh, what seems to be
the problem here?

I broke a nail.
What the hell do you think?

Alright. Alright. Lie back.

Ju-just relax, Danny.
He's here to help you.

Hey, Tone,
what took you so long?

I was looking for a doctor

and I found
an MD license plate.

I yanked the guy out of his car

and then I realized MD
stands
for Mike Ditka.

Fortunately,
the car he threw me up
against

belonged to Dr. Finkelbaum
here.

Is this the lady
having a baby?

Yeah. Hey, thanks a lot.
Right this way.

Hey, man, we got some sodas
in the fridge.

I called him
from Finkelbaum's car.

I called him from Ditka's car.

Come on in. We got some brews,
a little bit of Malt Duck.

[Danny panting]

Get this kid out of me.

I got to make a phone call.
I suddenly miss my mother.

Well, Danny, uh, thanks for
a wonderful evening.

Um, I'll call you.

Oh, no, Will, don't leave
me.

[panting]

Alright, alright, Danny, Danny

alright, I'll-I'll stay here,
and I'll help you focus.

Focus? I don't want to
focus.
I want dr*gs!

Now, get out in that parking lot
and score!

(Finkelbaum)
'Here we go.'

It's Danny, isn't it? Bear down.

Alright, look, look,
Danny, Danny

think of it as the World Series,
alright?

Alright, Alomar is rounding
third. Here comes the throw.

- Slide, Danny, slide.
- 'Here comes your baby, Danny.'

[screaming]

'Push!'

[both screaming]

[instrumental music]

[baby crying]

Here you are, Danny.
A beautiful healthy boy.

Oh.

- You want to hold him?
- Uh, no, no, thanks.

I'll wait till somebody run him
through a car wash or something.

[crying]

- Come here, man.
- Yeah, calm him down.

Hey.

♪ Get busy put your thing down
it's your birthday ♪♪

[chuckles]

[sighs]
It's been one hell of a night,
huh, Danny?

Phew! And look, I went
and saved the best for last.

Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

[instrumental music]

Yo, yo, yo. Anybody home?

Shabba!

Get off me, man.

Uncle Phil, what are you doing
sleeping on the couch?

Uh, w-well, my chiropractor
recommended it.

Uh, as you know, Will,
I have a separation

in my lower lumbar area and the
couch is perfect to align my..

- She threw you out, huh?
- You got that right.

[sighs]

Hear you had a pretty
full night, too, huh?

Oh, man, Uncle Phil,
I got to tell you

when Danny went into labor,
man

I was trying to get the heck
out of there.

Oh, I heard that.

But then it was, like,
all of a sudden

it was, um, a little alive
wiggly thing, you know?

Ten fingers, and ten toes, and
everything. It was so small.

Phew! I was the first person the
baby saw, you know, upside down.

Sounds like quite
an experience, Will.

It was. Phew!

Oh, well, I'm gonna go give
Danny a call at the hospital.

See how little
Jackie Robinson Mitchell

is doing, huh?

- Hey, goodnight, Uncle Phil.
- Goodnight, Will.

Well, bet you feel like a
big
dope, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Vivian, I made a decision.

[sighs]

I really want to be in the room
when you give birth.

Not just because
you want me there

but because I want to be
the first person

our baby sees upside down.

Oh, Philip, that's a beautiful
thing to say.

But I'm afraid, honey, that I'm
gonna have to k*ll you anyway.

[intense music]

Oh, no, Viv. No, Vivian!

[screams]

[instrumental music]

And look, I went and saved
the best for last.

Whoops! Oh!

[both laughing]