03x15 - Robbing the Banks

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Yo, C, can you take me
to the beach, man?

Will, you're taking that
baseball to the beach with you?

No, no. See, this isn't
just a baseball.

This was autographed
by "Say Hey" Willie Mays.

I mean, I had to sell half your
coin collection just to buy it.

Well, if you ask me,
you're obsessed.

I'm obsessed?

Look, Carlton,
you hurt his feelings.

Say sorry. Say it!

I'm sorry.

Will, seek help.

Carlton, can you just
drop me off at the beach?

You know what, scratch that.

Drop me off
a couple blocks away.

You know, the honeys might
get a little nervous

if they see me with a midget.

Will, today is senior day.

We're supposed to work on
our
college applications

and think about our futures.

Oh, I am, and it's just
that my future

involves a sweet young thing
in a thong.

You know what I'm saying?
You know?

Come on, let's jam, pee wee.

Forget it, Will. I'm not
going to the beach.

I'm going to the library.

Oh, really?

Well, I got ten spankies here

that said you're
going to the beach.

They lied.
Ha-ha!

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

G, can you please
take me to the beach?

So sorry, Master William.
I'm on a break.

G, when is it gonna be over?

When you get another ride.

Morning, sweetheart.

Geoffrey,
my bags are upstairs.

How thrilling for you.

Geoffrey, you know,
I'm very, very fond of you

but I'm also
eight months pregnant

and I'm not in a very good mood.

I could very easily
rip out your heart

eat it,
and then have cappuccino.

Am I making myself
quite clear?

Hallmark couldn't have
put it any better.

Hey, you know, Aunt Viv

I'm really gonna miss you
this weekend.

Oh, no, you're not. And I'm not
gonna miss you, either.

Vivian, sweetheart,
there was an army

of ants in my shower
this morning.

Oh, welcome to the club, Philip.
Call the exterminator.

And while you're at it
call the garage

door people and the plumber.

Well, I thought you were
gonna
take care of that.

Oh, I'm as big as a house.

All I wanna do is
lie in bed and eat pie.

Me too, but I still
get things done.

Guess what? You're not
going to believe this.

You paid for your own dinner?

Are you insane?

I'm going to be interviewed
by the "LA Weekly."

Now that I'm
a famous weather girl

people want to know
the real me.

Now, if anyone asks, I'm 21

and I fought in Desert Storm.

Madam, I've put your luggage
in the limousine.

Okay, goodbye, sweetheart.

Alright, I'll give John
and Cheryl your love.

And I promise I'll try
and come back in a better mood..

...if I come back at all.

You know, Uncle Phil,
if we're lucky

she'll come back
as Clair Huxtable.

[knock on door]

Oh, look,
a black Howdy Doody.

That is my assistant Edward.

Shame on you, Will.

God.

Good morning, Howdy,
uh, Edward.

Good morning, Judge Banks.

I hope you don't mind
the imposition.

But I thought you could review
your notes on the way to court.

Edward, even I can't drive
and read at the same time.

Sure, you can, Uncle Phil,
I do it every morning

on my way to school.

[laughs]

Actually, I took the liberty
of putting your notes on tape.

Oh. Thank you, Edward.
It must have taken you hours.

Three days, but I found it
extremely enlightening

not to mention rewarding.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I almost forgot one thing.

Uh, if it's your nose, I
think
I know where you left it.

I was hoping
to have a day off.

I have an interview with
a very prestigious law firm.

Oh, I have a very busy today,
Edward. Can't you postpone
it?

- Of course. I'd be happy to.
- 'Okay.'

I'll just wait
another eight months.

Go to the interview,
Edward.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you again.

And again, and again.

Ed, you want me to get you
some knee pads?

Mr. Banks, the gardener
left this for you.

"Dear Mr. Banks,
how can I put this?

"Your wife is crazy.
And you're cheap.

I quit.Adios,Hector."

Great. Just what I need.

- Can I be of assistance, sir?
- Yes.

You can now call a gardener,
call an exterminator

uh, find a plumber,
and fix the garage door.

Even Aladdin
only got three wishes.

What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna
make it through the day

without an assistant?

- Well, got to go.
- Not so fast, Will.

I really need your help.

Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil, look,
you know you my man, right?

Well, come on.
Today is senior day.

I-I gotta go down to the beach

and harass young women.

Well, Will, sometimes you
have
to put yourself aside

and do something
to help others.

You know, you-you right,
Uncle Phil, and I-and I see it.

It's like a vision.
I'm gonna do that when I'm 30.

Will, I'll never make it
through this day without
help.

Come on, like my father
used to say to me

"It's, it's better to give
than to receive."

Your pop had a bit of
a drinking problem, didn't he?

Get out of those clothes
and get into the damn car.

A gentleman would at least
give me dinner first.

And if you want
to stay out of jail

I suggest, you stop associating
with known criminals

and low life scum.

[indistinct whispering]

- Jamal?
- Will!

[indistinct chatter]

Yo, man. You cool,
you cool, this is my uncle.

- Hey, Uncle Phil, this is--
- Got offended.

- Sit down, Will.
- Oh, my fault. Sorry.

Hey, Jamal, why don't you
offer him this KitKat--

(Philip)
'Will!'

Next case.

Where are my files?

Oh, I-I got them right here
for you, Uncle Phil.

You know, I just cleaned them up
a little bit, you know?

- Why?
- I don't know, man.

Some fool spilt some Slurpee or
something on it, I don't know.

It cool now.

"People vs. Luther Devins,"
case number 3612.

Rrrrr.

What's up, baby, why don't
you
stenog your number down

for me, you know?

Hmm, girl, you look so good,
I wish I could plant you

and grow a whole field
of y'all.

Will, would you approach
the bench, please?

Yeah, just a second,
Uncle Phil--

Get your butt over here.

- Closer.
- Huh?

Come on. A little closer.

Come on. Come on. Yes.
Come on.

May I remind you
that you are here

to help me,
not help yourself?

Now, you sit your butt down
over there and shut up!

Kong not happy.

[chair screeching]

Well, counselor

I see that your client
has violated probation
again.

Why hasn't he found a job
yet?

He's tried, Your Honor,
but he hasn't been able to.

We're here
to request more time.

Mr. Devins, I see you've served
five years in the penitentiary.

I'm sure you learned
a trade in there.

Actually, I wrote a book,
Your Honor.

Word, that's kind of fly, man.

Hey, tell that to the publishers
who rejected me.

I hate rejection.

As a matter of fact I wrote
a book of poetry about it.

Mr. Devins, I find it
difficult to believe

that you've put forth an honest
effort to find employment.

Yeah, I'm willing to take
any kind of job, Your Honor.

I'm good with my hands.
I can fix practically anything.

Then why are you unemployed?

I'm an ex-con.
Nobody wants to hire an ex-con.

Oh, please. That's a very lame
excuse, Mr. Devins.

Are you aware that
I'm perfectly within my rights

to send you back to prison?

Hey, yo, Uncle Judge.

Hey, Uncle Phil,
you could give him a job.

Are you crazy? He's an ex-con.

Come on, Uncle Phil.

All that stuff that's broken
around the house.

A-and plus,
I'm telling you, I got

a good feeling
about this guy.

Look at him.

I don't think
that would work, Will.

Aw, Uncle Phil,
remember what your pop said

"Uh, it is better to give
than to receive."

I really, really hate you.

Love you, too, Uncle Phil.

Yo, check it out, G. My
Willie Mays just went up again.

I can get 300 spankies
for this.

Uh, 225 tops.

I tried selling it
yesterday.

Now, when you finish
mowing the lawn

you can prune
Mrs. Banks' roses.

- My pleasure.
- I have a date tonight.

So would you mind
washing the car?

Oh, and can you jack up
the driver's seat a little?

And could you pick up my
dress
from the dry cleaners?

Oh, and uh, while you're at it

could you type up your thoughts
on the industrial revolution

you know, double space it
and put my name on it?

You dribble and you sh**t,
you know?

You hope for the best.
What? What?

Alright, I'll take care
of everything right away

and thanks again
for the work, huh?

Hey, there's more
where that came from.

What a great guy.

In-credible.

So I'm telling you,
dude got it going on

I mean, especially after
spending five years in the pen.

The pen?

Please tell me that's
slang for the valley.

Look, now,
don't everybody overreact

but, uh, he did serve
some time for burglary.

Are you out of your damn
mind?

Ashley?

Oh, my God! I've got to make
myself look less attractive.

I know. I'll put on
something of mom's.

I'm nailing down
all of my dolls right now.

- Me too!
- Hey, hold it! Hold it!

Now, the man has paid his debt
to society.

He deserves a second chance
like everybody else.

- Whose idea was this?
- His.

Will, you've put this
entire family in danger.

This is the dumbest thing
you've ever done.

Will, you are a genius.

Luther is a Godsend.

He fixed all of the bulbs
in my vanity mirror.

I'm even prettier
than I thought.

You know, Hilary, I don't even
think it's possible

for you to be prettier
than you thought.

Thank you, Will.

Yo, Will, I fixed that TV
in your room.

Oh, by the way, you now get
"The playboy channel."

Ooh, my man.

Ow!

I don't know, Will.

I don't think I'd leave
a convicted felon

alone in my room.

But what could you
possibly have of any value?

What you talking about, man?

Uh, how about, for instance

my Willie Mays baseball?

[yawns]

Look at the time.
4 o'clock already.

I better get some sleep.

Where's my Willie? Carlton,
I can't find my Willie!

[instrumental music]

Carlton, tell me that
there's
a baseball in this thing.

There is no baseball, Will.

Oh, I guess you
wasn't listening.

Carlton, tell me that
there's
a baseball in this thing.

Look, it's gone.
Well, Luther's a thief.

- What are we gonna do?
- Alright, alright..

We don't know
that Luther did it.

Oh, come off it, Will.

If it looks like a duck,
smells like a duck

and sounds like a duck,
what is it?

Your prom date?

I told you she had a cold.

Look, if you're so sure
Luther didn't take it

why don't you just ask him?

He won't have anything to hide.

Oh, come on, Carl,
you can't just walk up to people

and accuse them of stuff.

You think he did it,
you ask him.

Oh, right,
like I'm just gonna

march up to a vicious,
hardened criminal and say

"Hey, mister,
can I have my ball back?

A-and please don't
snap my neck like a twig."

Will, you have to be clever
to outthink the criminal mind.

- Hey, Luther. How you doing?
- Hey, Luther.

There's Luther.

Look, I'll find out
if he's honest.

Okay.

Hey, Luther,
you dropped your wallet.

No, that's yours.

So it is.

How honest of you to say so.

So, Luther.

Baseball's a fine game,
isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Carlton, can I have
a word with you?

(Carlton)
Oh, sure.

The word is "idiot," man.

Can't you see he's innocent?

Well, I'm gonna go
buy myself some lumber.

I wanna get started
on that trellis.

Oh, good for you, Luther.

Look. Nice talking to you,
Luther.

You're doing a darn
good job, Luther.

Look, great having you
aboard,
Luther.

Hey, thanks.

See you, Luther.
Ha-ha-ha!

Luther's guilty, Will.
I'm gonna tell dad.

No, you're not, man,
'cause if you do

I'm gonna tell him about them
calls you've been making

to 1-900-horny.

You wouldn't.

Come on, boys.
Let's go out to dinner.

Out? We can't go out. We got
lots of food right here.

We can't leave the house.
Our stuff is here.

Carlton, Geoffrey's away.
Mom's gone.

If we don't go out to eat,
we'll starve.

- Yeah.
- Come on. Let's celebrate.

It's not every day that
Will does something right.

Luther's a good worker.

Good thing he worked out,
or I'd have to

take it out of your hide.

And that would be nasty,
wouldn't it?

Ooh. Yecchh.

Come on, boys.
Let's go.

Will, we got to tell dad
about Luther.

He might be dangerous.

Carlton, please, look,
the man is innocent.

Trust me.

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!

- What happened in here?
- We was robbed!

Oh, my God!
What'd they take?

Oh, I knew it.

I told you we shouldn't have
left Luther here.

Luther did this?

Will, dad is going
to k*ll you.

Me? Wh-why?
No, he's not.

I mean, first of all, we don't
even know that Luther did this.

And second of all,
Uncle Phil's a-a fair man.

He can't blame me
for none of this.

Will, I'll k*ll you!

Look, Uncle Phil,
this ain't my fault, man.

I don't believe this.

"Why don't you give him a
job,
Uncle Phil? Huh? Huh?

I got a good feeling
about him, Uncle Phil."

Lo-look, Uncle Phil,
I'm telling you

there-there's probably
a perfectly good

explanation for all of this.

Like what?

Whew.

Ma-maybe Luther
took all our stuff

to get it scotch guarded.

- It could happen.
- 'Oh, shut up!'

Any idiot could see
he's guilty.

I'm calling the police.

[gasps]
My Tevin Campbell posters!

If he touched them,
I'll hunt him down like a dog!

Wait, wait, alright,
wait-wait a minute.

Come on, l-let's just
calm down here.

I mean, come on.

I mean, what did we lose
for real?

Just, a bunch of things.

We're all healthy. Huh?

We're all safe. Huh?

Where the video games?

Wh-where are my video..
Oh, oh, aah!

Alright, I can't breathe.
I can't..

[instrumental music]

Well, he got all the TV's.

Uh, he got silverware, too.

I feel like such a fool.

He was probably planning
this
from day one.

Well, don't blame yourself,
big guy. Blame will.

He should've told you
when Luther stole his baseball.

What baseball?

[in Spanish accent]
What baseball?

Well, baseball game where man
with stick hit ball and run.

Sort of like this.

Hold it!

You mean to tell me that
Luther stole your Willie Mays

and you didn't tell me
about it?

I-I didn't really know,
Uncle Phil.

Hey, but, if we want
to be serious about this

this is all your fault.

Excuse me?

Well, if you had
let me go to the beach

then none of this
would have never happened.

Will, I will give you
to the count of ten

to get out of my sight.

Nine..

Luther get on my nerves. Steal
my stuff. Now I get in trouble.

I wish that punk was in here
right now, boy, 'cause I..

...scream like a girl.

Uncle Phil,
Luther's in the house!

Yeah, you right. Dig me
with my bad self, huh?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Let me warn you, Luther.
I've called the police.

You've got a lot of damn
nerve coming back here

after you robbed us.

What are you talking about?

(Carlton)
'Oh, please!'

Yeah, if this wall weren't
in my way, mister

you'd be plenty sorry.

After we gave you
a second chance

this is how you repay us.

- I did not rob you.
- Oh..

You gotta believe me.
Will, you believe me, right?

You know, it's people like
you
that give ex-cons a bad name.

I-I'm calling the police,
man.

Damn, that was fast!

Yo, they must have thought
we was white folks.

- Come on in, officer.
- Thank you.

Thank God you got here
when you did.

I was about to turn this
sucker out.

Officer, I want you
to arrest this man.

H-he stole my baseball
a-and some other stuff.

- I can't do that, sir.
- Why not?

We already arrested
the perpetrator.

Yes. His name
is Edward Haskell.

Claims to be your law clerk.

Edward? Officer, there must
be some kind of mistake.

Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.

See, we saw his U-Haul
double-parked.

Upon suggesting
he move the vehicle

suspect broke down and confessed
to cleaning you out, sir.

Why would he
want to rob me?

Well, according to him he's sick
and tired of getting you bagels

it's not his job
to iron your robes

and he said you
unfairly accused him

of calling 1-900-horny.

The man is obviously
a deviant.

Well, thank you, officer.

And I'll meet you down at the
station to make a positive ID.

- Very good, thank you, sir.
- Uh-huh.

Ha-ha! Luther..
Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Luther, we're sorry.
We were wrong.

Tell me about it.

Luther, we're sorry.

Someone in my position should be
a better judge of character.

I'd like for you to continue
to work for us though.

Well, after working
in this house

jail won't be so bad.

See ya.

Well, I trust we all
learned something from this.

Yeah. Don't work for you.

Well, we weren't completely
wrong about Luther.

Yes, we were. He didn't touch
my Tevin Campbell posters.

Yeah, but he took
Will's baseball.

You mean the one
in the plastic case?

I borrowed it
for batting practice.

Where is it, Ashley? That thing
is worth a lot of money!

Really?
Didn't look like it.

Somebody wrote all over it.

But don't worry.
I cleaned it off for you.

Where are those damn
Tevin Campbell posters?

No! No!

[instrumental music]

[in Spanish accent]
...I'm glad you asked me that.

See, baseball game where man
with stick hit ball and run.

So like this.

Hold it, Will!

- They noticed. They noticed.
- Okay, okay, okay.