03x17 - Best Laid Plans

[bunniefuu]

[both laughing]

Oh, man.

- Oh! You know, Monique..
- Hm.

I've never said this to a girl
before, but..

Oh, baby,
you all that and a bag of chips!

[both laugh]

Oh, Will, am I?

(Will)
'Hey, I'm lying, I'm dying,
you know what I'm saying?'

[Will chuckles]

Oh, Will.

Hey, babe, I got to tell you

whatever it is
that you serving..

You better give me a double!

[all laugh]

I was just playing.

Girl, you know how I be joking.

I be joking.

I-I wasn't being straight up
with you.

But I will now.

Monique, I care about you, baby.

I care about you so much.

I couldn't trust myself
to express my real feelings.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped-turned
upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[music continues]

[music continues]

- Hey, hey!
- Hey, Will.

Man, something smells good.

Oh, wait, that's me.

Hey, y'all, check it out.

I just tried on that new
Michael Jackson cologne

down at the mall.

I don't smell anything.

[sniffs]
Oh, that's funny.

It's a lot lighter than it was
when I put it on.

What are you doing wearing
cologne anyway?

You never wear cologne.

He wants to smell good
for Monique.

They have a big date tonight.

- Oh!
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I figured, you know
y'all gonna be out the house

and my man, G,
here has the night off.

I figure Monique will come over,
we'll go up to my room

and six or seven hours
later,
we'll come back down again

you know what I'm saying?

You don't know what I'm saying.

Well, guys..

What do you think of
my new dress?

Doesn't make me look too big,
does it?

Um, no?

Hilary,
what do you think, honey?

Well, you know how I'm always
borrowing your things?

Well, you don't have to worry
about this one.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hello, dear!

- Hi.
- Oh, what a day.

You know,
if you guys don't mind it

I'm going to skip dinner
and clear up some paperwork.

Philip, remember
we're going to go out to dinner?

Yeah, remember?

Oh, yeah, of course, I remember.

I-I've been looking forward
to it all day.

So, where are we going?

Eh, to the restaurant.

Ah, Le..
Ah, Le..

Chez.. Ah..

M-Mc. Ah. Mc.. Ah..

Alright, Vivian, I forgot.

Phil, I don't believe it. Fine.

We might as well just stay home.

Ah..

- V-Vivian.
- Philip, forget it.

I don't want to go out
if you don't want to.

What about what I want?

I mean, what about my needs?

Here you are, madam.

I'm guessing they're not for me.

I haven't put out in years.

Oh, Philip, they're
beautiful.

Oh! Let me.

[both laugh]

"I'm looking forward to
dinner
tonight..

"with the most beautiful
woman
in the world."

'I love you.'

Oh, Philip,
you were teasing me.

- I love you, too.
- Yes.

Okay, let me just go freshen up.

Okay, baby.

Love you.

[both chuckle]

Uncle Phil,
Trevor sent these flowers.

They're for Hilary.

Not anymore.

Wha..

Uncle Phil,
you lied to your woman.

My man, give it up top.

Mirror, mirror on the wall..

Jean-Claude Van-Damn, I'm fine.

[clears throat]
Miss Monique is here to see you.

- What's up, baby?
- Hi, honey.

Oh, uh, if you need me

I'll be dodging winos
at the bus station.

You know,
my father would k*ll me

if he knew
I was out with a boy
tonight.

I told him I was going
to church.

[chuckles]

The Lord is good.

Why don't you come on over here,
sit down, relax a little bit.

Okay.

[Mint Condition singing
"Breakin' My Heart"]

[laughing]

Boy, you are pretty slick,
Will Smith.

And I ain't even oiled up yet,
you know?

[laughs]

I think I should tell you

nothing turns me on more
than a sense of humor.

- Really?
- Hm-hmm.

Maybe you'd like to go upstairs
and I could do my stand-up.

[both laugh]

Now, why waste time
going upstairs?

See, this way whenever you pass
the couch

you'll think of me.

Mm.

Mm.

Maybe I could get some
memories of you in the kitchen

and the Jacuzzi, too.

Watch yourself, girl.

- Mm. Mm.
- Mm.

Ooh, mama knows, child.

[both moaning]

Baby, what you doing?

- Yo, what's--
- Will, I can't do this.

- I-I better go.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Baby, what's the problem?

You really turn me on.

What's the problem?

I don't know, Will.

I, I-I really thought that
I could handle all this

but I-I can't,
so we better stop.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Baby, some things

just ain't that easy to stop.

I know, and it isn't that
easy
for me either

but, Will, I want you.

But I guess deep down inside
I'm just an old-fashioned girl.

I want to be married
before I go all the way.

You understand, don't you?

Look, Monique, I'd love to talk

but there ain't no blood
in my brain.

(Carlton)
'Will.'

It's only 7 o'clock.
What are you doing up?

Oh, man. Look here,
I've been up for hours, man.

I swam like 20 laps in the pool

um, went down sh*t some hoops

uh, jogged around the track
a half dozen times.

I waxed your car for you, too.

[chuckles]
No nookie last night, huh?

Man, no nookie, no nothing, man.

Look, see,
I don't understand, man.

It's like she was here,
everything was lovely

everything was perfect,
then all of a sudden

she wasn't with it no more.

I don't get it.

Will. Will. Will.

You just don't understand women.

When it comes to matters of the
heart, you can't rush things.

Give a girl time,
she'll come around.

Really? Well, you know, How long
do you usually give 'em?

Well, let's see

a week from Friday,
it will be 18 years.

- Morning, boys.
- Hey, good morning, Uncle Phil.

- Good morning, dad.
- 'Good morning, son.'

[clears throat]

Hey, look, Uncle Phil,
check it out.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Do you have to?

Come on, Uncle Phil,
this is serious, man.

I need to talk to you about,
um..

...cars.

Cars, you..

- Oh, cars!
- Cars. Yeah.

Uh, yeah, well,
I guess it is about time

that, that you and I started
talking about..

- Uh, cars.
- Cars.

Uh..

Hm.

Oh, God, this car isn't
in trouble, is it?

[chuckles]
Oh. No, no, no, it was..

Never been off the lot
as far as I can tell.

[sighs]

Look, Will,
driving is serious business.

Well, these days

you got to think about safety.

You never want to go
for a ride in a car

without your seat belt.

And, uh..

[chuckles]
Use your brakes.

Don't floor it because
then you throw a rod

you-you flood your carburetor,
you cr*ck your block.

You understand what I'm saying?

No, man.

No sex before marriage.

Come on, Uncle Phil,
this is the '90s, man.

Take a cold shower.

I've been doing that since
the '80s. It don't work no more.

Look, Will, I know I'm
talking
to teenage hormones from hell

but if you care about
this young lady

you don't want to do
anything
to damage the relationship.

And intimacy requires
a real commitment.

Uncle Phil,
I'm saying, Uncle Phil..

Homie,
we both mens here, you know?

We got ugly needs.

Will, you're a grown man.
I can't watch you all the time.

I'm just going to have to rely
on you to do the right thing.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here

to unite this couple
in holy matrimony.

And by the powers
invested into me

and for the republic
in which it stands

'I now pronounce you
man and wife.'

Get busy.

- Mm.
- Mm. Ah!

Will, I'm so happy.
I can't believe we did this.

Me, neither.
Come on, let's go, baby.

Whoa! Father, Father. Father.

Chill, alright?

Um, look, baby, I'm..

I need to take care of
the reverend, alright?

Okay, honey, I'm going to
go warm up the car.

Hey, hey, hey!
This is God's crib.

Take that in the street
where it belongs.

[laughs]

- Psssh!
- Psssh!

We better get out of here,
my brother.

Any minute now that minister's
going to realize

his house ain't on fire.

I don't believe this, Jazz, man

together we are invincible!

Granted, my brother, we're good

but people can still see us.

Baby, here we go.

Over the threshold.

Oh, look at this, a chair

a nice drawer.

Oh, but look what's over here,
a bed.

[door slams]

(Monique)
'Oh, honey, wait.
Slow it down.'

This is our wedding night.

I know, I know, but..

We only got 18 hours left
before checkout.

These damn buttons.
You got some scissors, girl?

Will, Will.
Please, now, come on.

Just give me a minute, okay?

I want to put something special
on for you.

And I promise
it'll be worth the wait.

Trust me.

[door slams]

Hey.

[thud]

[grunts]

(Monique)
'I'm ready.'

Do you like it?

Wow!

I love it.

- Alright, now, take it off.
- Oh, honey.

Will, we're married.

I am so happy..

And I'm going to make you
happy, too.

Okey-doke. Ah!

Girl, be gentle.

Honey, I meant for the rest
of our lives.

I'm going to be a good wife,
Will

because I believe
in the sanctity of marriage.

Don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, baby, let's get naked.

This thing open
from the back or the front?

Oh, Will.

There's something I want to
give to you.

What a coincidence 'cause
there's something

I want to give you, too.

This.

It belonged to my great
grandfather.

And now I want you to have it.

Oh, thanks, a little box.

No.
You didn't even open it, silly.

[chuckles]

Here.

My great grandmother gave it
to him on their wedding night.

And grandma gave it to grampy
and mama gave it to daddy..

...and now I'm giving it to you.

[chuckles]

My parents are going to k*ll me

when they find out
what we've done, but..

[both chuckle]

But I don't care.

Will, I'm proud that
you're part of my family now

because you're decent
and honest.

Baby, I trust you,
and I know you will love me

and cherish me as long as
we both shall live.

Now, take me.

Oh, damn!

Alright.
Alright, alright, alright.

Look, check it out.
Check it out. Check it out.

Check it out. Check it out.
Look here. Um..

I'll be right back, baby.

- Where are you going?
- Um, I mean, look.

You gave me, you gave me
grampy's watch and everything

and I ain't got nothing
for you.

You know, so I got to
go get you something.

Sorry, grampy.

[grunts]

You know, my child

I've never known the pleasures
of the flesh

but I could be convinced to
give up the priesthood for you.

You know, my child, I've never
known the pleasures of the flesh

but I could be convinced
to give up..

Excuse me, Father,
could I rap to you for a second.

Don't go away, baby.

Bartender, another Olde English
for the lady.

It's a fashion risk,
but I like it.

Jazz, sit down.

Look, I can't believe I let you
talk me into this, man.

And I feel awful.

Will, a naked,
willing female is in your room.

Stop me when I get to
the awful part.

I don't have a right
to treat her like this, man.

- She's a human being.
- Well, that's enough.

Now, get a bottle of
whiskey,
liquor that girl up

and take advantage of her.

Be a man for God's sake.

Jazz,
I'm-I'm sorry, man, I can't.

I-I got to tell her the truth.

Maybe you're right.

Perhaps we've both been
a little remiss

in our treatment of women.

[scoffs]
You think?

Yeah. You inspire me, prince.

From now on I, too,
will be completely honest

in my dealings
with the fair sex.

My man.

You know, my child

I've never known the pleasures
of the flesh

but I could be convinced to give
up the priesthood for you.

Honey, where have you..

Monique, this is going to be
hard enough as it is

so please just let me
do the talking.

I know you respect
honesty in a man

so I'm going to be honest.

Monique, I just wanted
to get you into bed

so I tricked you.

The whole ceremony was a fake

'and we're not really married.'

Monique, look, I'm sorry

and I know what I did was wrong.

And, Monique,
I really care about you.

'I'm sorry.'

Monique..

I mean, the room is paid for
and everything

'so, uh, you know,
I was just hoping that maybe'

'you know, since..'

[thud]

So, could you just come get me,
Uncle Phil?

[indistinctly mumbling]

Your Mercedes?

Oh, well. Well, yeah. No.

See, actually, yeah.

Yeah. I did borrow it.

Well, but, you know,
it's-it's not here right now.

[indistinctly mumbling]

Well, to be honest,
my wife took it.

[indistinctly mumbling]

[sighs]

All I could overhear were
the words Mercedes

wife and Monique

and then dad
ran out of the house.

Well, I think it's obvious
what happened.

Will and Monique stole
a Mercedes

and ran over somebody's wife.

[chuckles]
Carlton, that's ridiculous.

Obviously, Will has been seeing
a woman named Mercedes

Monique found out

and I'm still working on
the wife part.

Well, I think Will
married Monique

just to get her into bed,
and when she found out

she got so mad she took off
in dad's Mercedes.

[both chuckle]

- Get real!
- What?

I still can't believe that

you could do something
so despicable.

I mean, marrying Monique
just to get her in bed?

Even I don't believe it.

Sss!

I can't imagine what kind of
excuse you could come up with.

Do you have anything to say
in your own defense?

Nothing.

It's shameful, Uncle Phil.

I mean, here you are
busting your hump

trying to impart values

and teach basic human decency

and I turn around
and do some mess like this.

I-I just don't get it, Will.

I mean..

What is going on
in that head of yours?

I don't know, Uncle Phil.
I'm out of control.

Please stop me
before I disobey again.

Don't you ever stop to think

before you do these
disgusting things?

Of course, I do, Uncle Phil.

You think I like being
the way I am?

I'm a victim.

I'm a victim of my imagination.

Help me.

Well..

Alright,
since you put it that way.

I'm not going to punish you,
Will.

You know, that's radical,
Uncle Phil,

but it just might work.

I'm not going to punish you
today..

Maybe not even tomorrow.

You see, I need to think
a long, long time about

just what I'm going to
do with you.

I don't know,
it might come to me

poof,
In the middle of the night

or maybe next week

or a few years from now.

In the meantime,
why don't you worry about it?

Be afraid, Will.

Be very afraid.

[laughs]

Ah! I've got it.

Will!

[music continues]

I want to put something special
on for you.

And I promise it'll be worth
the wait. Trust me.

[both laugh]

[screams]

Alright, wait.

[Will laughs]

'I got that effect on women,
you know.'