03x22 - Ain't No Business Like Show Business

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning, daddy.
- Ah, morning, sweetheart.

Look, I was thinking, you know,
this week, maybe we could, uh

get in a game of tennis
at the club and maybe do lunch?

- You and me?
- Yeah.

Oh, good one, daddy.

Hi, kids.

Uh-oh. Needy father alert.

Hey-hey. Hold it. Hold it. Now,
what is that supposed to mean?

Come on, dad,
every time mom goes away

you start wanting to do
things with us.

It's not fair!

So, what are you kids saying?

What we're saying is,
here's $10.

Go to the movies. Run!

Hey! Hey! Come on now!
You Mr. Smarty..

Hi, Will,
you want to go to a movie?

Sure would, Uncle Phil.
Thanks a lot. I appreciate that.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ She said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[dramatic music]

Dad?

Hello?

I think we lost him.

Dad's pretty quick
for a big guy.

I mean, he kept up with the car
for a whole block.

He couldn't help it. He got
his coat stuck in the door.

Wow, Will, clean clothes.

What, is your probation officer
stopping by?

[screams]

No, my buddy, Keith,
is coming out from Philly.

I'm going to show him around.

Great, he can hang out with dad.

Well, actually, you know,
Keith is a comic.

He going to be large, too.

He's coming out here, there's a
big showcase at a standup club.

Yeah, well, I think I speak for
all of us when I say, "So what?"

And I think I speak for myself

when I say,
"Uncle Phil, they in here!"

Alright, who pushed me?

- It was Ashley.
- No, it wasn't.

Well, now, you look.

Now, all I want to do is spend
some quality time with my family

and running alongside a car
is not what I had in mind.

- Uncle Phil--
- What?

Well, see, I was wondering

since I'm not part
of the immediate family

I was wondering
if I was immune--

Sit down, Will.

I'm gonna sit down right
here

in the non-immediate family
section of the living room.

And I'm gonna shut up
on my way down. Watch.

Now, you listen,
and you listen good.

We are a family.

I know this
because I pay the bills.

So, we are going to start
spending time together.

Lots of time.

Lucky us.

We are going to start
acting more like a family.

Do I make myself clear?

Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer!

From now on, we're going
to start eating together

and, and laughing together,
and, and..

And I'll think
of a few more things

as soon as I finish watching
those "Cosby" reruns.

Master William

there's a young gentleman
at the door

who thought
you might find this funny.

[laughing]

I love my work.

Excuse me,
I need to call my therapist.

[laughing]

[both cheering]

How are you doing, man? You
ain't got to hit me like
that.

Will, Will, Will,
aren't you going

to introduce us to your company?

Oh, yeah, Uncle Phil.

This is my buddy Keith
from Philly

and this is my Uncle Phil.

How are you doing, Mr.
Banks?
Nice to meet you.

This is my cousin Ashley

that's Hilary
and that's Carlton.

How you guys doing?

Hey, Mr. Banks,
I want to tell you

I appreciate you letting me
stay here for the weekend.

- That was really great of you.
- Excuse me?

Whoa, whoa, Uncle Phil.

I ain't had an opportunity
to, uh, to enlighten you

on what's going on here, but..

Look, Uncle Phil, please,
if you let Keith stay here

I-I promise I'll stop
making them 976 calls

on your car phone.

Okay, um, if you let him stay

I'll take you to Chuck E. Cheese
and I'll tell the head rat

it's your birthday.

I'll go to
an out-of-state college.

Keith, my boy, welcome.

Here, check it out, man.

I got the new hip joint
for you to see.

Damn, man, what is this?

Uh, it's the interactive
network TV.

[chuckles]
Sound like what black people buy

when they got too much time
on their hands.

- Here, come on, push a player.
- Alright.

- Uh-oh. Look what's happening.
- Come on, man.

- Aikman hands off to Emmitt.
- Man, come on.

- Look!
- You can do better than that.

Touchdown! Ah!
Who's the man? Who's the man?

Man, come on,
the game ain't even over
yet.

Oh, please,
you never could take it

when I bust your butt
at something.

'Cause you never b*at me.

Oh, you must be getting old,
baby, your mind going.

Let me refresh your memory.

From the time we was in
kindergarten, every thing we did

I always b*at you
like you stole something.

Kind of like you just b*at me
now, huh?

Oh, man, I don't care
about this game.

I'm going up to my room, get
ready for my big act
tomorrow.

Oh. All you got to do
is stand up there

and tell a couple jokes.

Telling jokes, see,
that's what your drunk Uncle Lou

do at weddings.

Me, I'm a professional.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up, hold up.

First of all, Uncle Lou
is not a drunk, okay?

He has an inner ear problem.

That's why he always be
sliding out of his chair.

And, second of all,
anybody can get up on a stage

and tell a couple jokes.

Why you go and say
something silly like that?

There's a craft to this, man.
I take this real seriously.

Oh, please.
Look, I been funny all my life.

All your life
you just been funny-looking.

I mean,
look at them big old ears.

Lean over that way and tell me
what's going on in Somalia.

Well, uh, if I couldn't
find my way to Somalia

I could follow that big map
on your head.

Look at them big teeth,
all big and spaced out.

What you floss with,
a jump rope?

Wait a minute,
was that a professional
joke?

- You're damn right.
- Yes, it was.

I think you going to have to pay
me to laugh at that one, bro.

You think you can do
better than that?

- Well, show me, do something.
- Alright.

Hey, G, G, check it out.
Can we talk to you for a second?

I'm off duty. You can talk,
but I don't have to listen.

Alright, check it out, check it
out. Is this funny or not?

Two gorillas
go into a bar, right?

Not.

Alright.
Hey, Will, thanks for the ride.

You don't have to hang
around,
though.

Oh, no, I'm cool, man.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Well, you go be funny,
I'm gonna go nab me a honey.

Keith, glad
you could make the audition.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

Hey, girl, you look so good

I'd marry your brother
just to get in your family.

Yo, man, you see that?

That's called
the l-want-Will walk.

Yo, yo, Keith, come here, man.
Come here.

- Do the chivalry joint.
- Man, come on.

You know I'm trying
to concentrate.

D-d-do the chivalry joint, man.

- Man, come on!
- Ah-do-do.

Alright.

Hey, girl!

Why don't you stand up
and wrap your arms

around a real man?

Okay, well, check it out,
check it out, check it out.

I got four words for you.

Ho-li-day Inn.

Come on, girl,
you know you want to.

Excuse me, miss

is this abrasive n*gro
bothering you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, he is.

Allow me.

Now, you look here, buddy.

You have no business
bothering this sweet young lady.

Now you apologize, and
don't make me take off my belt!

Okay, not..
Not the belt, man. I'll be cool.

Alright, look, I'm sorry, okay?

Now, you get out of her face,
now!

Look, um, miss,
I'd just like to apologize

on behalf of my gender

for his rude behavior.

That's okay.

No, it's not. He-he had
no reason to act like that.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Look, um, could I call you
sometime?

Yeah.

- Call me.
- Thank you.

You.

- Me?
- You a comic?

I don't know you.

Oh, yeah, I'm known
all over this town. I'm Shecky.

Shecky Shabazz.

You're funny, Shecky.

Oh, no, I'm sorry,
I'm not here for the audition.

You don't have to.
What I saw was good enough.

You're in the showcase.
You're on at 8:15.

Yabba dabba do,
I'm in the showcase, too!

[laughs]

- Here you go, big guy.
- Thank you, son.

[sighs]

Hilary, sweetheart.
How was work today, darling?

It was great, dad.
Thanks for asking.

[sighs]
It's wonderful spending time
with one's family.

- Daddy.
- 'Yes, dearest?'

I'm feeling nauseous.

I am, too.
Let's take a break, kids.

I think we can forget about
those Chinese checkers

after the sing-along.

(Ashley)
'Great.'

But the sing-along's
still on, right?

Ow! You're hurting my arms!

- 'Keith.'
- Oh, hi, Mr. Banks.

- Are you alright, son?
- Oh, yeah, I-I'm fine.

Look, I, uh, I just want to say
that it's a pleasure

to finally meet
one of Will's friends

who has his head on straight.

You have been a very positive
influence on him, son.

Thank you, sir.

You know,
I used to think so, too.

Hey, Uncle Phil

you know
how you've been staying on
me

to make some decisions
in my life?

Yeah.

Well, hanging with Keith,
I've decided what I want to do.

Oh. Oh, great. What is it?

Well, I want to do something
that makes a difference

and makes people feel good.

That's wonderful.

I want to be a comedian!

Uncle Phil, I don't think
"comedian" is a bad word.

It is in this house.

I just spent
thousands of dollars

sending you to
a topnotch prep school.

Maybe I should have just
sent you to Camp Funnypants.

Look, I bet Sinbad's parents
supported him

when he wanted to be a comedian.

They named him Sinbad!

He had two options,
pirate or comic!

Look, Uncle Phil,
I know it's a shock

but think of all the money
you'll save

by not sending me to
college.

There is no future in it, Will.

Come on, Uncle Phil,
can I help it

that I'm this
incredibly handsome

incredibly talented guy
with star quality?

Uncle Phil, this thing is bigger
than both of us.

Sort of.

I just want you to go
to college, that's all.

Uncle Phil, and I will
if this doesn't work.

But come on, you got to let
me
take my sh*ts in life.

You really want this badly,
huh, son?

Yes, I do.

And you actually think
you can make a success of it?

Yes, sir, I do.

Well...son, I..

...guess there's
only one thing for me to do.

I'm going to nail your behind
to the floor.

And if I catch you
anywhere near a comedy club

I'm going to break every
funny bone in your body!

Do I make myself
perfectly clear?

Perfectly.

Yo, Keith, man, what's up?

What's up? That's what I've been
trying to figure out.

I thought you was my boy.

I am.
What are you talking about?

No, you're not.

Not after what you pulled today
at the audition.

What, are you mad at me
that I got in the showcase?

Wha.. I mean, I just walked in
and the lady gave it to me.

I wasn't going for it.

Yeah, but I was.

And, you got it.
So what's your beef?

You don't get this, huh?

I worked my butt off
to get here, man.

You know how many clubs
I got booed out of?

How many dives I had to play
till I got a routine

that finally worked for me?

This ain't nothing
but a joke to you.

To me, this is serious.

So, what,
you asking me to back out?

No, I'm asking you
to just show me some respect.

Respect?

I walk through the door and
before my butt hit the chair

the lady was giving me a job.

You could learn
something from me.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll be off-stage
taking
notes tomorrow night, okay?

Yeah, you better bring
a big pad.

We'll be right back
in five minutes

with another hot comic.

[applause]

Oh, well,
I guess I'm up next, guys.

Oh, Will, I took the liberty

of writing out
a few humorous barbs

that you might find useful.

Listen and laugh.

Did you hear what the snail said

when he rode
on the back of the turtle?

No, Carlton, what?

Whee!

Now, you should use that one
for your big finish.

No, maybe you should try
this one.

Why did the turkey
cross the road?

I know I'm going to regret this,
but why?

Chicken's day off.

Eat your heart out,
Rodney Dangerfield.

Hey, I'm giving you gold here.

See, Carlton, this is why people
trip you in the halls.

Don't be proud, Will.
Take it. You'll thank me later.

Carlton,
I'm going to be hilarious.

And when I get done with Keith,
the only job opportunity

he's going to have
is putting lids on Slurpees.

Ladies and gentlemen

please put your hands together
for our next comedian

from Philadelphia, PA

give it up for Will Smith.

[cheering]

What's up?

What's up?

Hey, how y'all doing out there?

Hey, I'm, I'm a little tired,
though, you know.

I-I had a rough date last night.

I went out with this girl
who ain't have no arms.

I took her to "The Arsenio Hall
Show," and she was like

"Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo."

Well, that's cool. Check it out,
check it out, check it out.

I should be mad
at my Cousin Carlton, though

'cause he set me up with her.

But, uh, he ain't
no prize hisself.

He kind of look like a miniature
Bryant Gumbel on a bad hair day.

'That's cool, check it out.
Um..'

But actually,
my-my Cousin Carlton

he don't have
no problem buying clothes

'cause he-he's so short

he just rips them off
his G.I. Joe doll

and wears 'em
right out of the box.

[laughing]

Will's really bombing up there.
We should do something.

Good idea.

Boo! Get off the stage!

We want our money back!
Go back where you came from!

[audience booing]

What's up? What's up? Whoa!

Hey, guys, what's up?

Give me that
before you hurt yourself.

Give Will Smith a big round of
applause, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on,
y'all can do better than that.

'Give him
a big round of applause.'

He'll be back, just not in here.

[audience laughing]

I hope you're funnier
than the last guy.

I know I ain't getting heckled
by no Jheri curl.

[laughing]

And you got the nerve
to be smoking, too?

What you trying to do,
k*ll us all?

You know, I ain't going
to bother no Jheri curl

'cause I know that plastic bag

makes so much noise at night,
you're always irritable, huh?

Crumple, crumple.
"I cannot sleep!"

Maybe I better speak to you
in your language.

Drip, drip, drip, drip.
Drip, drip, drip..

[laughing]

I'm new in L.A.

I know there's things you
can't do. You can't wear colors.

Can't wear red.
One g*ng will b*at you up.

Can't wear blue.
Other g*ng will b*at you up.

Last night, I thought
I was slick and put on plaid.

Two golfers
b*at the hell out of me, y'all.

And everybody in L.A.
got a car phone.

Don't matter how messed up
the car.

Sometime the phone
is the best thing on the car.

You could tell the car raggedy.

Every time the phone ring,
the car just cut off.

"Girl, I'm glad you called.
I need a jump.

"Stop calling me
or I'll never get home."

But I do this
'cause I want to be rich.

I don't want to be rich
for the petty reasons

that many of you do.

I want to be rich
so I can sleep late.

'Cause when you're broke, you
know you got to get up at 6:00

in the morning.

Sometimes you accidentally
wake up at 3:00.

"Oh, oh, oh! Am I late?"

And black people set their
alarm clock 30 minutes early

so they can hit that
snooze button three times.

Bump. "That was a drill.

"I'm going to get it right
next time."

[laughing]

And now they're saying
there's a recession.

See, black folks, we didn't know
there was a recession

'cause we been broke
since the day before forever.

You know, black folks found
a way to get around being broke

'cause we'll put some stuff
on layaway, won't we?

And leave it for a long time.

I know brothers still got
bell-bottoms on layaway.

You ever left stuff
on layaway so long

you don't even recognize it
when you get back?

"Damn, when did I get
an eight-track tape player?

"It's paid for now."

We do, man.
And white folks, you see them

in the unemployment office
all the time.

"$210 a week? How the hell am
I going to live on $210 a week?"

A brother be right behind him.
"$210 a week? For nothing?

"Baby, get the kids.
We done come up."

It's basic differences.
They just are.

Like black parents are different
than white parents.

No better, no worse,
just different.

Saw a movie
called "Poltergeist."

In the movie, a little
white child trapped in a TV set.

Start crying, "Oh, my God!
Carol Anne's in the TV.

"What are we going to do?"

You know,
had that been a black mother

she'd have been proud.

Pick up the phone,
call her best friend

"Girl, turn to Channel 2.

[applause]

"My baby's on TV!"

'But white people,
I love you guys.'

Y'all get to do stuff
we don't get to do.

White people get to die
and come back.

Elvis been dead 15 years. People
still seeing this brother.

When a black man is gone,
he's just gone.

You don't see brothers
talking about

"Man, I just saw Marvin Gaye!

"He was at the mall!"

"How do you know?" "I heard it
through the grapevine."

You guys have been great.
Thank you very much.

[applause]

Give it up for Keith
Campbell.

[sighs]

- Hey. Good morning, Uncle Phil.
- Morning, Will.

I hear your friend Keith
really blew them away last night

at the standup club.

Oh, man, you should have seen
how he handled them hecklers.

Oh, I mean, I mean,
um, how I heard somewhere

that he handled
the-the hecklers.

[chuckling]
Don't worry, Will.

I know you were there
and I'm not going to k*ll you.

Because I heard you already d*ed
a pretty horrible death.

Yo, it was nasty, Uncle Phil.

[chuckles]
I guess I ain't as funny
as I thought.

I could have told you that.

Ain't nothing you do funny
to me.

Oh, that's pretty cold,
Uncle Phil.

Yeah, well, so is the world

if you don't have
an education and a good job.

Alright, I mean, I learned my
lesson, Uncle Phil, but come on.

L-look, I'm funny.
Alright, here.

Check it out, check it out,
check it out.

Knock, knock.

- Who's there?
- Amy Fisher.

- Amy--
- Bang!

Yo, yo, yo.

Hey, I'm on my way
to the airport

but thank you guys
for all your hospitality.

I appreciate that.

Everybody, except for you,
Geoffrey.

You don't think I'm funny,
do you?

For a tip I might.

Okay, well, I got a tip for you.
Tails is out.

[laughs]

So are you. There's the
door.

[cackling]

Now, that's funny!

And everybody in L.A.
is a vegetarian. What is this?

"I don't eat red meat.
I don't eat pork."

You know, it's cool
to have a baked potato

or a salad every once in a while

but at a certain level of hungry

'I need something dead
on my plate'

something that used to have
horns and hoofs.

And they put parsley
on black people's plates. Oh.

I asked the waiter, said, "Man

"why you putting parsley
on my plate?" Oh.

He said, "It's a decoration,
it make your plate look pretty."

I'm like, "Yo, man,
wouldn't an extra shrimp

"make my plate
look even better?"