03x23 - The Way We Were

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

[gibberish]

[baby cooing]

Oh, you like this, huh?
You like this. Huh? Okay.

[scatting]

[screaming]
Earthquake..

...is a dance,
and apparently you know it.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ She said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

Mm. Exceptional buns, Geoffrey.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, I think he's been doing
the StairMaster.

Where's your mother?
Her breakfast is getting cold.

Oh, she's not eating.

Not until she can fit
into her old wedding gown.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

You wouldn't expect me
to fit into a pair of pants

I wore 25 years ago.

Or 25 days ago, for that matter.

You know,
she has nothing to worry about.

She's as beautiful
as the day I married her.

Which is why I'm going to
renew our vows this Saturday.

That is so romantic.

I wish I could find a guy
to lie to me like that.

Sir, about Saturday's menu

shall I prepare the same meal
you had at your wedding?

G, how's he supposed to remember

what he had for dinner
25 years ago?

Well, we started out
with some chicken pot pie

and, oh,
some delicious coleslaw.

And then there was some really,
really great baked beans

with, what-what, molasses.

And for dessert,
we had a big huge chunk

of chocolate devil's food cake.

I'm guessing.

If only that power
could be used for good.

Maybe I'll go upstairs to try to
cheer up your mother, huh?

(Vivian)
'Oh! I'm so fat!'

On second thought,
I'll call her from the car.

Oh, good, he's gone.

Great, now we can finish working
on their anniversary surprise.

I hope they like
this photo album.

What's not to like? We got
some great family pictures.

Oh, look,
here's me at the beach.

Oh, and here's me
in my carriage.

Oh, look,
and here's me at the park.

I knew we should have
gotten them those Ginsu knives.

- This stuff is so boring.
- Carlton's right.

Nothing exciting
ever happens to our family.

Well, that's right, y'all,
and that's why I came out
here

'cause you people
really need help.

[instrumental music]

Carlton Banks is wearing

an elegant, yet masculine
cotton-silk combination

designed by Will St. LeCarlton.

Six, seven, eight
and contract, hut.

'Five and six and seven, eight.
Hut.'

Fingers open.
Spread 'em out and look.

Contract, release, hut

'and up and ten'

and pose, hut, repeat.

Five and six and seven,
eight, hut.

[upbeat music]

Say..

...is that Philip Banks
or Blair Underwood?

[Vivian laughing]

What do you think
of this one, dad?

I look like Little Richard,
attorney at law.

Dinner is served.

A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop,
a-lop-bam-boom.

Whoa.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the star

of "Heidi Comes To Harlem."

Mom, if you make me
go to school like this

I'm going to write a
book when I grow up.

Welcome to the Briny Deep

where none of our prices
are ever too steep.

We've got fresh fish,
you can look in our t*nk.

To get to the bathroom,
make a left at the plank.

Follow me.

Look, I know everyone gets
a little silly around mid-terms

but not at the dinner table.

I'm sorry, mom.

Will Smith is the scum
of the Earth.

- Hilary!
- Woof!

However, Will Smith
is the pinnacle of manliness.

Ahem.

- Hilary!
- Woof!

Ahem!

- What's with Hilary?
- Woof!

- Ahem!
- Woof!

- Hilary! Hilary! Hilary!
- Woof! Woof! Woof!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Ah, your Montrose vase

attracts dust like a magnet!

G, listen.

[all scream]

Problem solved.

(Will)
Okay, G, listen, listen.

Philip, I have $1,000
with your name on it.

Do the family a favor,
get Viv some cooking lessons.

You!

And, Miss Ashley,
how does a Mercedes sound?

- Vroom, vroom?
- Very clever.

I'll get you two.

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Nice try!

In case you hadn't
figured it out..

...I quit!

I quit.

I quit, I quit.

I quit, I quit, I quit.

For a long time,
it gave me nightmares.

Having to witness
an injustice like that.

It was a constant reminder
of how unfair this world can be.

I can still hear them
taunting him.

"Silly rabbit,
Trix are for kids."

How come they just
couldn't give him some cereal?

Hi, I'm Philip Banks

and I'm running
for superior court j-j-judge.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

What the hell is that?

That was our
New Year's Eve party.

Oh-oh, Uncle Phil, you know

I just put in a couple of
home movies, you know

to show your human side.

It gets better, check it
out.

And if you put me on the bench

I'll take a real bite
out of crime.

Bite-bite-bite.
Bite-bite-bite. Bite.

Vote for Philip Banks.

Philip Banks. Philip Banks.
Philip Banks.

Where's the family room?
Man, I'm going to k*ll Carlton.

k*ll him? I want to know
the name of his decorator.

♪ No one even knows it ♪

♪ Girl to me
you just can't show it ♪

♪ You know that I won't buy it ♪

♪ Girl there's no use
to tryin' to hide it ♪

♪ 'Cause girl you know
I need it.. ♪

No, no, I-I'm sorry.

What do you two
think you're doing?

I'm-I'm.. I was trying
to get up to my room.

Hey, Tom, what was you doing?

I was trying to be in the video.

Oh, look, a Donna Karan suit

right in the middle
of the kitchen floor.

What color?

You gotta come out to see that.

(Hilary)
'Sorry, Will, it won't work.'

Hey, look, G, she won't listen
to me, man. I give up.

I think it's time
you came out of the closet.

Let me.

Sonny, what you do
in the privacy of the bedroom

is nobody's business but yours.

Just be true to yourself.

He'll come around.

[upbeat music]

[crowd cheering]

Ahh!

- 'Take it off!'
- Put it on!

Carlton Banks, you put
your clothes on this minute.

Mommy!

[clears throat]

Wow!

Will, check out the talent.

She's cool. She's hot. She's--

Your baby sister, man!

[screams]

Carlton's log. Earth date 1992.

It's 6:00 a.m.

Up with the dawn,
the small band of brave souls

prepare to pile into
their Mercedes.

Destination, adventure.

Hey, I didn't know
mom was a ventriloquist.

Look at that funny-looking
little dummy on her knee.

Ashley, that's Carlton.

Hey, Uncle Phil, what's up?

- Where is it?
- Geoffrey took it, I swear!

Oh, my God, your Aunt Vivian's
going to k*ll me.

Uncle Phil, look,
you're winning a lot of
points

with this second wedding thing.

I'm sure whatever it is,
she can handle it.

I lost my wedding ring.

So, where shall we scatter
the ashes?

I cannot believe I wore
that ring every day for 25 years

and the day before
my anniversary, I lose it.

Okay, now, just think.

Maybe it will help
if you remember

what you were doing
when you lost it.

I was eating.

Ooh, that narrows it down.

Hey, what up, J?

Greetings, all.

I guess my invitation to
the wedding rerun was misplaced.

But I thought
I'd come by anyway.

I'm guessing the bride
won't be wearing white.

Jazz, the ceremony
isn't till tomorrow, man.

Then I'll be spending the night.

I hear the pool house has
a delightful northern exposure.

Hilary, woman, draw me a
bath.

- I wouldn't draw you a cartoon.
- That's it.

- That's it. I'm out of here.
- Oh, wait.

Oh, Jazz, come here, man.

Look, this is not the right time
to mess with Uncle Phil.

He lost something
really important.

Geoffrey took it. I swear.

Look, kids, you look down here.

I'm going to look
for the ring upstairs.

Give it up, big guy,
we've already looked everywhere.

I'll give $100
to the first one who finds it.

Now you're talking.

My family.

Can't live with 'em,
can't turn your back on 'em.

[both grunting]

Ouch! Oh, my eye!

Will, are you okay?

[grunts]

Here's your question.

If your partner
could name only one person

as his best friend

who would that
special person be?

Now, you have until the buzzer
sounds to think about it.

[instrumental music]

[buzzer buzzes]

Time is up. Alright, Carlton,
let's hear your answer.

Well, Bob, let's back it up
for a moment

and define this thing
called friendship.

You see, the ancient Mayans..

[buzzer buzzes]

Carlton, your time is up.

Okay, Tyriq,
who is Jazz's best friend?

I'm sorry, Bob,
this is a bad time.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[Philip snoring]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

- Goodnight, Will.
- 'You're grounded.'

[Will screaming]

Alright, alright, alright.
Everybody out, come on.

Look, the next step is

full-scale psychological
warfare, right?

You gotta act like
you got this tic, right?

Like the army did this
experiment on you, right

that just went terribly
wrong.

You're like, "Back up! Back up!

Mind your business, that's all.
Mind your business."

Okay.

Back up! Back up!

Mind your business, that's all,
just mind your business.

I work all day trying
to keep this house nice for you.

I cook and clean
and work my fingers to the bone.

And this is the thanks I get?

Well, I bust my hump
at school all day

and you just sit around here

watching soap operas
and eating bonbons.

Well, excuse me
for having a little fun.

Maybe it's because
you never take me out anymore.

Well, maybe I would if you
fixed yourself up a little bit.

Oh. Wait a minute.

We sound like
an old married couple.

So now I'm old.

And I gave you
the best years of my life.

Look, I'm sorry.

[instrumental music]

♪ Everybody loves
somebody sometime ♪

♪ Everybody falls in love
somehow ♪

♪ Something in your kiss
just told me ♪

♪ My sometime is now ♪

♪ Everybody finds
somebody someplace ♪

♪ There's no telling
where love may appear ♪

♪ Something in my heart
keeps saying.. ♪

♪ I'm stuck in a basement
sittin' on a tricycle ♪

♪ Girl gettin' on my nerves ♪

♪ Going out of my mind ♪

♪ I thought she was fine ♪

♪ Don't know
if her body is hers ♪

I'm hungry.

Don't you have
any more breath mints?

No, you ate them all
without offering me one.

Can't have my toothpick, either.

Did I ask you?

[sighs]
Look, baby, why don't you
just look in the freezer

and see if there's something
in there?

- Would you look?
- Why don't you look?

I thought you liked
doing things for me.

Yes, I did till you ate
all my breath mints.

Forget it, I don't need you
to do anything for me.

[groans]

Could you open this?

Thought you ain't need me
to do nothing for you.

Just open it.

- What's the magic word?
- Now.

[imitates buzzer]
Guess again.

Here, look,
I can't open this thing.

I thought you're supposed to be
the big man.

Look, you're the one who's
hungry. Use your fingernails.

Look, look.
Here, here, here, here, here.

'Knock yourself out!'

Ugh!

[instrumental music]

Any luck with the ring, dad?

No, but don't worry about it,
I figured it out.

In the middle of the ceremony,
I'll fake a heart att*ck.

Come on, Uncle Phil, it
didn't
work on your wedding night

and it ain't going to work now.

(Will)
Oh, here comes Hilary. Places!

["Wedding March" instrumental]

Oh, she looks so beautiful.

Thank you.

Not you. Mom.

Look, she fit into
her wedding dress.

Everybody, duck.
I think she's about to blow.

Jazz!

We're gathered here today

to renew the vows
of holy matrimony

'which is commended..'

[sniffles]

I didn't know
you were so sentimental.

I'm not.

It's just, always a bridesmaid,
never a bride.

Vivian Banks,
do you take this man

to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

With all my heart.

And do you, Philip Banks,
take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- No, I don't.
- 'What?'

I take her
for much more than that.

For my lover

my life companion..

...my very best friend.

Oh, Philip.

- May I have the ring, please?
- Here it is, daddy.

I got one for you
right here, buddy.

Uh, thanks, kids, but, uh..

Look, Vivian, there's something
I have to tell you.

I-I, uh, lost my wedding ring.

- Oh, you mean this one?
- You found it!

Yeah, I took it
to have it inscribed. See, look.

"To a hundred years more."

Now you may kiss the bride.

[instrumental music]