07x09 - Lowest Common Demoninator

[bunniefuu]

Wait. Did everybody make it?

No. Bishop's dead.

Well, we have to go back.

We can't leave a man behind now.

We have to go back.

Gwyn, he sacrificed himself for us.

We cannot go back
or more of us could die.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I need a moment.

♪ ♪

Uh, are we in John's mansion?

Yeah, in the pocket dimension, I think.

Does it still open to the factory?

- [FLAMES ROARING]
- Aah!

Not unless something terrible
happened to that factory.

Oh, the portal must have closed

when the last person exited the manor.

So right now there's
no doorway back to Earth.

It's okay. We can still time-jump.

No, we can't, not until
we know exactly where and when.

We can't afford to have another mistake.

What? What do you mean?

Well, we told her to go home,

and this feels like home to me.

Home is , not here.

It was all really chaotic. I-I just...

Hey, Gidget. A-are you okay?

You look a little...
Oh, she has a fever.

Oh, man. Okay, well,
if Gideon is unwell,

it's definitely not safe to jump,

so we are trapped in the mansion.

- We know.
- More like trapped

- three inches from home.
- [ALL GROAN]

It's gonna be all right, guys.

Gideon probably just needs a rest,

and, luckily, we landed
outside the timeline,

which means Evil Gideon can't find us,

and now we have a chance
to come up with our game plan.

That was the whole...

Tactics. We need to think tactics.

Give me ten minutes...
I'll have a m*rder board

drawn up and we can do some planning.

♪ ♪

It tolls for thee.

[DISTANTLY] Help me, please!

Hello?

Is someone there?

Gwyn!

Hello?

Help me! Gwyn!

Alun?

[DOORS RATTLING]

♪ ♪

[FLAMES ROARING]

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Wow, babe, this is your most
complicated m*rder board yet.

- All right, bottom line is...
- Nice.

Yeah, uh, Evil Gideon's
manufacturing robots

to hunt us down.

After all we have done
to protect the timeline...

So what we need... ideas, good ideas...

how to defeat robots,

how to travel without
being detected by Evil Gideon.

Hey, Gideon.

Didn't see you
at the m*rder board meeting.

You okay?

[SOMBER MUSIC]

I thought I was doing
the right thing coming here,

but they're all so disappointed in me.

It all happened so fast,
I just went with my gut.

What if next time I get confused

and I just jump us all into a tornado?

- I could k*ll us all.
- No.

No, you did good.
You brought us to safety.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[SMOOCHES]

[CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

So what did I miss at the meeting?

Oh, you know, they were talking

about why Evil Gideon wants
to k*ll all the Legends.

Oh, I'm sure she thinks
they're an unpredictable

and destructive force
that needs to be eradicated.

♪ ♪

Just a guess.

Looks like someone
restocked the kitchen.

- Have an apple.
- Oh.

♪ ♪

[CRUNCHING]

♪ ♪

Is it getting hot in here,
or is it just me?

Well, if you're referring

to the increasing temperature
in the house,

- you're correct.
- Oh.

If you're insinuating
we should go upstairs

and fool around, also correct.

♪ ♪

Oh.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Guys, I'm thinking about
maybe asking Astra out.

[GASPS] Oh.

Our baby boy's all growns up.

I just feel, like, clarity, you know?

Like, I haven't smoked weed
or done edibles

since we got time-stranded,
and I feel so present.

And now I just can't stop
thinking about her.

That's great... just be yourself

and, you know, don't make it weird.

Be myself. Don't make it weird.

You're Behrad...
you're the cool, chill guy

everyone wants to hang out with.

Be cool and chill.
That's why people like me.

- Exactly.
- All right.

Thanks, guys.

- We crushed that.
- Whoo.

I love helping little bro.

Oh, 'cause you're time bros?

No, 'cause I'm getting
so serious with my Zari.

He's like a future
little brother-in-law.

I guess that makes us in-laws
in some weird way.

Yeah, but you're, like, my best bud,

so, like, a time bro-ette.

Thank you, but I hate that.

♪ ♪

Is it hot in here?

It feels like a million degrees.

Yeah, something is not right.

[FLAMES ROARING]

Gwyn!

[CREATURES SNARLING]

- Are we in hell?
- Uh...

Oh, Lord and all you saints
and martyrs, aid me now.

Okay, calm... calm... calm down, Gwyn.

I mean, what's the worst
that can happen?

The worst that can happen...

we are in the very bowels
of hell, Esperanza.

The horrors that await us

are beyond the limits
of our imaginations.

Well, yeah, out there,
but, I mean, we...

we would have seen
something come in, right?

[ELECTRICITY THUDS, CRACKLES]

[SINISTER MUSIC]

[SIGHS] You might want
to keep praying, Gwyn.

You left the door to hell open?

- What were you thinking?
- Yes, I'm sorry.

You see, I thought I heard voices,

and so I opened the door.

I'm a grand fool, I know.

There's no telling
what nightmare got in.

[ELECTRICITY THUDS]

Oh, where I come from,
the only thing worse than pests

are pests that make themselves at home.

Yeah. Okay, let's split up
and sweep the house.

We can't fight Evil Gideon
if we're all possessed.

Or can we?

No. No, bad idea.

Sweep the house. Tell everyone.

- Go ahead.
- Right.

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, you ever feel like
someone's watching you?

Well, as a child celebrity,

I feel weird when I'm not being watched.

But, yeah, I do know what you mean.

♪ ♪

Oh!

- Oh.
- Ew!

Oh, my... Ugh!

- Ugh.
- Disgusting.

Who knows what kind of magic
goo John is hoarding in here?

- Ugh!
- Disgusting.

[CLEARS THROAT]

There's, um... there's... there's...

there's got to be something
to wear around here.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, somewhere in here.

Yeah.

I don't like this.

You know, we didn't plan
for a hell detour.

[SIGHS] Yeah, I know.

We got robots and
Evil Gideon and now ghosts?

- I am at capacity.
- Mm.

[DISTANT THUDDING]

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

Something's definitely up there.

♪ ♪

[THUDDING CONTINUES]

- Did you hear that?
- Hear what?

- Boo!
- Aah!

[GROWLS] Behrad!

Don't sneak up on people in hell!

You idiot.

Sorry.

[TENDER MUSIC]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[THUDDING CONTINUES]

♪ ♪

Whew.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

You look like John.

You look like my Zari.

[TENDER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What's happening?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GASPS] I think we're being manipulated.

- No.
- Yes.

[GASPS]

♪ ♪

Aah!

[GASPS]

Aah!

Why are you attacking us?

Wha... "Us"?

Greetings.

- Oh, my...
- Oh, my... Damn.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

- Oh! Whoa, whoa!
- You idiot!

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

Hi, everyone.

This is, uh, mortifying.

This had better be consensual, Gary,

- or I'm gonna rip off your...
- It was entirely consensual.

In fact, I was the one
to instigate our first tryst.

- [CHUCKLES]
- All right.

Well, how long has this been going on?

Uh, well, including
the foreplay, approximately...

- [ALL GROAN]
- No, no. I mean, like...

Like, when did you guys,
like, first hook up?

Oh.

Uh, the Chernobyl nuclear
meltdown was our first date.

- Yeah.
- Oh, lovely.

Sounds very romantic.

I guess that's why Gideon's
been so unfocused.

Yeah, and why we ended up here.

Gary said that
the manor feels like home,

so that must be the reason
Gideon bought us here

instead of our actual home...
because of him.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Oh, wait, that's such
a nice thing to do.

This is like a bad reality show.

Thank you very much for that.

That's it... I know
what's infesting the house.

Well, enlighten us, Miss Logue.

It's the Cursed Crew,
and they're watching us,

trying to get a glimpse
of the real world.

- What are you talking about?
- Let me show you.

Lux et veritas.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Whoa.
- Whoa. Ooh!

We are on a reality show from hell.

You're saying there's just
creepers just watching us?

- Yeah, like, everywhere?
- Yeah.

They're following us around, filming us.

I don't like the idea
of creepers watching us

for their own amusement.

Not for their amusement,
for their curse.

Back in the ' s,
there was this film crew

that were so desperate for a hit show

they sold their souls to this
demon called Harris Ledes.

The terms of the deal state

that they can't leave his employment

unless they capture something
authentic, something real.

Ah, sounds like a bunch of sad sacks.

No, we need to be careful.

Through Harris's unholy magic,

they can twist emotions
to amplify conflict.

They love drama.

Unless we want
to vacate this place forever,

I have to confront Harris.

You want to go out there?

I can handle myself.

But you all need to handle yourselves.

If you feel your emotions
getting amped up,

don't succumb.

And just keep your heads
till I get back,

and please don't turn on each other.

Oh, man, this is gonna be
just like "KUWTT".

K-U-W-T-T.

"Keeping Up with the Tarazis",

the reality show about my own family

that I was recast on.

- Oof.
- Oh, that's right.

I forgot what a bummer you were on it.

I'm starting to remember, though.

Mm.

I'm joking. It's a jo...

- Huh.
- Wow, wow, wow, wow.

- Uh, Miss Spooner?
- Uh-huh?

May I have a word? I just...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Would you mind informing me

as to exactly what
this, uh, reality TV is?

[CHUCKLES] Don't worry. Stick with me.

Look, I've watched, like,
seasons of "Survivor".

Hey, we should form an alliance.

I had an ally once.

And perhaps being stuck in hell

is proof that I have strayed
too far from getting his back.

Yep. Uh, never mind.

Forget it. Offer rescinded.

You're too weird for an alliance.

You'd only hold me back.

♪ ♪

Reality TV show or not,
we need to find a way

to deal with Evil Gideon and her robots.

- Okay, plan, plan.
- Yes.

Let's, uh, free-associate.

Hmm, free-associate?

Okay, I guess I'm listening.

[SIGHS] Robots.

Robots, yes.

Robots don't like water.

- No.
- And water is on the ocean.

[GASPS] We need to go to
our beach house on the ocean.

- What?
- What?

Babe, look, I'm...

I'm drained, okay?
I just... I need a break.

Just, like, a little private island

with a-a yacht for day trips.

I mean, is that so much to ask for?

Yes. We don't have time for this.

- I don't underst... okay.
- [GROANS]

Do you not want to do the work?

Of course I want to do the work.

All I do is work. I'm Sara Lance.

I'm crazy about work,
but I am also crazy

about personal chefs and
hers-and-hers massages.

- Hmm?
- Who are you?

- [NATE BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- You know what?

I have this all figured out.

These super-basic, lazy
reality-show wannabes

are trying to foist the
friends-to-lovers trope on us.

That's why they did the stunt
with the shirt goo.

Yeah. Luckily, we are way
too TV savvy to fall for that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Especially me.

It's, like... if we haven't
hooked up already,

why would we hook up now?

We got this.

We're gonna be the friends
that never fight.

- [GASPS]
- Hmm?

All we have to do is not
sleep with each other.

You and me, that's crazy.

Never in a million years.

Yeah, I mean, you know,
because we're just friends,

'cause, obviously, I'm...
I'm genetically identical

to your girlfriend, so I understand

why you would unconsciously
be drawn to me.

To be honest, just the idea of it

is, like, kind of, like, blah.

[LAUGHING] Okay. Okay.

Uh, not to, like, press
the issue, but look at me.

I dress better than her.
I live in your timeline.

In fact, the only real
difference between us

is our personalities.

And, surely, you're not saying that I,

the person who you called
your time bro-ette

not minutes ago,
have a bad personality.

Surely not.

Did I say "never in a million years"?

I meant to say "never
in ten million years"!

Mm-hmm? Yeah? Yeah?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- [GROWLS]

[CLEARS THROAT] Miss Lance.

When we first met, we made a deal,

and I have fulfilled
my end of the bargain.

I gave you time travel.

But you have not upheld your side

by helping me complete
my sacred mission.

Instead, you have brought me

to the burning inferno of hell itself,

and, therefore, with
all due respect, Miss Lance,

I must remind you
of your obligations to me.

I do not have time for this.

But you promised me.

Please, we must save Alun.

Yes, Gwyn. Okay?

I have not forgotten about our deal.

I owe you one person to save.

No problem. You got it.
We'll talk about it later.

I'm very sorry, Miss Lance,
but this is not good enough!

What do you want, then?

Do you need me to write it down?

Is that gonna make you
happy? Fine. Here.

"Gwyn can save one person
from the timeline",

signed "Sara Lance".

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to plan.

Thank you. Thank you.

- I appreciate it.
- Yeah.

Got it.

[SOFTLY] Plan a holiday.

[GIGGLES] Oh, my...

[WHISTLING]

Excuse me, young lady,
would you put some clothes on?

No way. It's called strategy.

Being naked is strategy?

You know, it psyches
the other players out.

You know, everyone trusts the naked guy,

because what could they be hiding?

Hmm?

But, Gwyn, what I'm
hiding is all in here.

- Very, very, very, very...
- [PIANO KEYS ECHO]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Lowest Common Demoninator Productions,

how may I hel...

Astra Logue? Uh, is that really you?

Unlucky for you, I'm back.

And you're gonna do exactly as I say.

Aah!

- [GROANS, SCREAMING]
- [BLOWS LANDING]

♪ ♪

Astra Logue.

It's been too long.

Ooh, you look awful.

[LAUGHS] It's not your fault, though.

Being outside of hell's
bad for your pores,

- bad for your karma.
- Harris.

- Still negging like it's ?
- Oh, it's called trolling now.

And these souls that I'm trolling

are gonna be ripping
each other apart by midseason.

[LAUGHS]

Those are my souls you're messing with.

So hands off.

Oh.

Astra, hey, I-I didn't know
you were still in the biz.

Hey, look, I would never want
to step on your toes,

scuff those gorgeous heels.

[TRILLS TONGUE]

[CHUCKLES] Look, tell you what...

souls are yours.

I'll put the crew back
to "Kitchen Night Terrors".

Good. Then we don't have a problem.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Sir, we found this soul
lurking around outside,

following her.

[GRUNTS]

I made this weird, didn't I?

So what was the plan with this one, huh?

Classic flaying? Exsanguination?

[GASPS] Oh, puddling? Huh?

Oh, ho-ho!

Puddling is when we...
we remove all your bones.

You just turn into a human
puddle, and we splash in you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Not that.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] So what do you say?

Take this one together,
for old times, huh?

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Ah, no.

Astra.

You... ah, you've become one of them!

Disgusting!

Next thing you know,
she's gonna be talking

about found family
and having a-a conscience.

So what if she does have a conscience?

That's part of what makes her amazing.

- She's come so far.
- Behrad, shut up.

- What?
- [CHUCKLES]

Behrad, was it?

See, the thing that
you think makes her amazing

- actually now makes her...
- Vulnerable.

Down here, she's any demon's plaything.

Oh, hoo, she's really mad at you.

I'm not detecting much pushback.

Fight it, Astra.

But if you can't, I totally get it.

Oh, yuck.

So chill. You're a nice guy? Yeah.

Here's the thing about nice guys...

they are all over the place
down here in hell.

The nicer they are, the more
secrets they got buried.

So I wonder...

[CHUCKLES]

What have you really got
all locked up in here?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Or maybe, is it... nothing?

You got... Oh, it's so boring!

Boring. I'm bored. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Why did you follow me?

- I had this handled.
- Yeah. No, duh.

I saw what you did
to that guy at the front desk.

I just wanted to make sure
you weren't triggered

- by being back.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Save it for the cameras.

Please, no!

Aah!

No, no, no. [SHOUTS] I can't be here.

So you either think that
I'm too weak to go solo

or I'm just gonna backslide
into being a monster.

- I thought we were friends.
- We are!

But... I don't want to talk
in front of the cameras.

Well, there's not really another option.

They're still here
because you followed me.

Mmm.

Well, I enjoyed every bit of that.

And not just the chocolate.
The sex was great, too.

[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]

What's wrong?

What are we doing?

Maybe they're right.

Maybe this thing between us
is clouding my judgment.

Or maybe it's all been
heightened by this hell house.

The last thing the Legends need
is for their time pilot

to be obsessed
with your sweet, little bottom.

No, no. hell house or not,
our judgment isn't clouded.

You... you do genuinely admire
my sweet, little bottom,

and I do genuinely love you.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I have to go.

Uh, no, that... that that was
the reality show effect.

I-I know it's too soon
to talk about love.

You know, t-that's weeks
away, e-even a month.

I'm sorry. I just need
some time to think.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

You are in over your head this time.

♪ ♪

How so?

♪ ♪

Hello?

How are you in over your head?

Who's talking?

Oh, you, hopefully.

I don't want to share my emotions

with a disembodied voice.

Don't you, just a little?

Well, I guess it would
be nice to unload.

This is just between you and me?

Of course.

♪ ♪

This has all been quite overwhelming.

My human side...

well, it's been developing
all sorts of new feelings,

and I particularly hate
this one called self-doubt.

Your human side?

Yes.

Sometimes I wish I could
turn off my emotions

and just approach things
more analytically,

like my CPU was designed.

That would be quite dangerous.

Well, some people would say
in these peculiar circumstances

that unchecked emotions
could be much more dangerous.

Maybe you're right.

[PENSIVE JAZZ MUSIC]

Huh.

[PUNCHY ROCK MUSIC]

Gideon?

I'm dumping you, Gary.

- It's over.
- What?

I need to devote
my full energy to my work.

But... but... but my bottom.

Please don't make a scene.
You'll only embarrass yourself.

♪ ♪

[SOBBING]

You're not thinking
about what Nate said, are you?

[SCOFFS] Ten million years.

[SCOFFS] I'm just not as
laid-back as the other Zari.

I simply take advantage of my genes

to utilize a little variety
in my appearance.

Tell me this... is it a crime
to admit that I am,

empirically speaking, very hot?

Perhaps the mere sight of you makes him,

I don't know, nervous for some reason.

You know what? You're right.
He's nervous.

But why? We're just friends.

There's no reason for him
to be nervous around me.

Maybe it's another Zari.

Why would he be nervous around her?

They're in love. They're moving in.

That's a big step. It's...

Oh, my God. [GASPS]

- That's it.
- What?

He doesn't want her
to move into the totem.

- [GASPS]
- Oh.

How could he do this to her?

- Gidget.
- Hmm?

We have to protect that little nerd.

You're on my team, right?

Of course I am.

- Of course. Oh, my God.
- Of course.

- Oh.
- I love you.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

Yeah! Yep! Yep! [GRUNTS]

Hey, I saw you talking to Zari.

What'd she say?

I shouldn't. It was in confidence.

♪ ♪

I'll just say it's interesting
that she thinks

she utilizes her genes
better than your Zari.

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

What?

She thinks my Zari's ugly?

She thinks she's better than her?

I cannot say.

- Hey, good talk.
- Hmm.

Spot buddies for life.

- Nice.
- Ouch.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Deep into planning... refreshing.

The rest of the Legends are concerned

with more trivial matters.

♪ ♪

I was thinking, though,
with this current plan...

Mm.

How are you going to prevent
any harm to Alun

throughout the rest of the w*r?

I mean, there is, after all,
four more years of it?

[PRAYING IN WELSH]

It's too bad you cannot save them all...

those poor men.

Perhaps we can save all of them.

♪ ♪

- Why go back out there?
- Oh, you're talking to me now?

I'm just wondering why
you want to go back out there

being that it's the
source of your trauma.

My trauma?

Behrad, I grew up in hell.

It sucked, but I survived
by pushing through, not hiding.

What the hell are you hiding from?

Me?

I'm B. I'm chill.

I don't have trauma.
That's my whole thing.

Frankly, I think you're projecting,

which I hear is quite common.

Oh, please! Grow up!

Frange! [GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Men are cowards.

Yep! Yep!

Nate...

[CRYING] I think there's
something wrong with Gideon.

My boy Gary...
he's brokenhearted right now.

But Nate-y H still has
to drop these truth bombs.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Look, just when you think
you can trust a woman,

she turns around
and shows her true self.

That's why you can't trust dames.

You can only trust...

gains.

[SOBBING] Oh, no.

Nate...

he sucks to be around right now.

I need to find someone more levelheaded.

♪ ♪

What do you mean Gideon is different?

She just came to me about an alliance.

♪ ♪

Want to start a secret
double alliance, hmm?

- [WHIMPERING, SOBBING]
- Ohh.

[CHUCKLES] Gary's head
just isn't in the game.

If he can't get it together,
then he's out.

Of what? I'm not sure yet.

But I know I'm ahead. [CHUCKLES]

Co-Cap, once you're finished coming up

with a brilliant plan, we need to talk

about how Bro Nate is going to
ruin Flannel Zari's life.

I have come up with the perfect plan

to defeat Evil Gideon.

Pack your sunscreen and
your hangover remedies,

because the legends are going to Cabo!

[GONG SOUNDS]

That's her plan?

Of course a trip would be nice,

but we have business to take care of.

We have messes to clean up.

We can't just go to the beach

every time life gets hard. [SCOFFS]

Oh, no.

I'm turning into the implanted
memories of my mother.

[BANGING ON POT]

Wash your hands! It's time for dinner!

These Legends are going
to have to listen to me now.

If I had it my way,

the only Z we would
have at dinner is ziti. Oh!

I mean, honestly, and
this is a true question,

did that self-tanner
seep into his brain?

And that is how you make a rabbit trap.

Table's set, and the knives are out.

I hope everyone's hungry,
because they're about to get

a mouthful of the meal
I just cooked and my opinions.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Oh, crap.

♪ ♪

So I get down to dinner,

and the Legends have done
literally nothing I told them.

The place is a powder keg.

Without human emotions
clouding my judgment,

I'll make sure the Legends
get exactly what they deserve.

I don't think Behrad will be joining us.

He is hiding in bed.

Oh, just like he spent
most of his teenage years.

- Ew.
- No. Not like that.

He just didn't want to be on camera.

So we had to recast him.

- You recast your own brother?
- Mm-hmm.

Let us pray.

Our [BLEEP] who art in [BLEEP],

hallowed be thy [BLEEP].

Thy [BLEEP] come, thy [BLEEP] be done...

[TAPPING ON GLASS] Beautiful words.

Uh, Aves, I just want to say thank you

- for this beautiful meal.
- You're welcome.

- Fake.
- [TIRES SCREECHING]

- Excuse me?
- You know, I think that this

is now a wonderful opportunity
to bring up the plan

with regards to what
Miss Lance promised me.

What is he talking about?

She promised me
that I could save one life,

and that life...

is Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

♪ ♪

By preventing the assassination
of Archduke Franz Ferdinand,

we shall prevent the entire Great w*r.

♪ ♪

How dare you misrepresent me?

You led me to believe

that you wanted to save
one inconsequential person

from the timeline,
not your entire generation.

No, thank you. Babe, listen to me.

You know I would never promise
something like that,

and he is clearly a liar.

- I am not a liar.
- I am not talking to you.

That's it!

I am done cleaning up
after you, after all of you!

I am not the den mother.

And would you put some clothes on?

- Ah!
- Oh, my...

Look what you did. Ava, wait!

- But a promise is a promise.
- Perfect.

Oh, let's really turn the heat up.

I want to see them rip
each other's limbs off.

- So, Spooner...
- Mm?

Whose faction did you decide to join...

- Nate or Zari's?
- Mm.

Oh, my gosh.

You're trying to team up against me?

Well, good luck getting
anyone on your side.

Oh, my God, you're such a backstabber.

Nobody wants to be on your side.

- Everyone's on my side.
- No.

All you ever do is talk
crap about my Zari.

and that woman's a saint!

They both make good points,

but just know that
whichever alliance I join,

I promise I will betray it.

You know what?

Since we're already in hell,

there's only one way to settle this.

This is the weirdest vibe yet.

What... what's going on?

Well, Nate doesn't want
to move into the totem.

She called you ugly. That's not true.

I totally want to live
in the totem with you.

And also, I believe she's
trying to sleep with me.

- Oh, my God.
- Upstairs she said that to me.

Hey. Are we in hell right now?

Uh, yeah, and we're
all under the effects

of a demon's reality show.

Huh. Okay. That, uh... that makes sense.

It does?

Yeah, because I have the
uncontrollable urge to do this.

Oh!

How could I?

Babe, I'm really sorry. Okay?

I just really needed a break

and have a reset and
swim with dolphins, babe.

Would you stop with the vacation?

This is divine punishment!

Enough!

This is exactly what he wants!

You're all complete idiots!
We're getting out of here!

Gideon, I need your brain!
Put on the colander!

We will figure out an exorcism topside!

Excellent. You should all simply pile

into Gwyn's ramshackle time contraption,

and I'll take you out of here.

It'll be a breeze.

A breeze? No!

She'll k*ll us all!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I've been trying to tell you
s-she's not herself.

She'll time jump us into a tornado.

Gary, don't do anything crazy.

I'm trying to save your life,
so help me [BLEEP].

- I'll eat this.
- Eat?

♪ ♪

- ALL: No!
- Get back here!

- Gary! Gary!
- [ALL SHOUTING]

[ETHEREAL WHOOSHING]

♪ ♪

[ALL SHOUTING]

- [GROWLING]
- Get him.

[ALL SHOUTING]

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Wow, sounds really tense
down there, huh?

Back off. Those are my friends.

Yeah, of course.
Your friends who love you.

You know, they sure could use
a chill and cool Behrad

right about now to calm things down.

So I'm just gonna be that guy forever?

Well, the real question is,
who are you without this?

And who would want to
hang out with this mess?

♪ ♪

[GROANS SOFTLY]

- Let's slice him open.
- [SCREAMS]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- Get him!
- Go, go, go, go!

Go, go!

♪ ♪

Aah!

- [SQUEALS]
- [GASPS]

You guys want to make asses
of yourselves for the cameras?

Is that what you want?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Because I know what it gets you.

I have countless memories
of cameras in my face,

every time I was scared,
every time I cried.

You want to know about
the first time I ever failed?

Don't worry.

"Keeping Up With The Tarazis"
had a whole episode about it!

I figured out the way to b*at it

was to be unflappable, chill.

Pop a gummy, lay low, relax.

If they don't see it get to you,

they don't have the power.

But...

it gets to me.

A lot of things do.

I'm sad sometimes.

I'm scared a lot.

I d*ed, and I never talked about it...

♪ ♪

Because maybe I'm afraid
if I'm honest with anyone,

they'll end up hating me.

♪ ♪

All I wanted to do was ask you out,

and now I'm crying
for all of hell to see

and laugh at me...

for my friends to realize
they never knew the real me...

♪ ♪

And for the girl I like
to run far away from me.

But I'm done now.

Here's the honest truth.

When it comes to you, Astra...

I lose all my cool.

♪ ♪

I'm just B.

[LAUGHS] Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Whoa. [SHOUTS]

♪ ♪

Oh! Oh.

Aah!

It's gone. Ah, my shows!

[REMOTE THUDS LOUDLY]

What happened?

♪ ♪

He got real.

Is it over?

The curse is lifted.

Your contract with Harris is terminated.

Get the hell out of here.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Gideon?

Are you in there?

♪ ♪

Gary, I'm so sorry.

♪ ♪

- Here, babe, let me do this.
- No. It's all right.

It's not, and I know it's not.

Look, even when my brain
was on a vacation episode

of "The Real Housewives",

I knew you were right.

♪ ♪

Go on.

♪ ♪

I let you take on
too much responsibility

for the mission, and it's not fair.

You are not the house mom,
you are the co-captain...

and a very beautiful, sexy...

co-captain.

♪ ♪

So when were you going to
tell me about this promise

- that you made to Gwyn, hmm?
- Pardon the intrusion, ladies.

But, uh, if you are attending
the, uh, mea culpas,

then I have to admit that
I got a little carried away.

I'm not very well acquainted
with the rules

of time travel yet,

but even I know that
one cannot simply stop

the Great w*r.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Gwyn.

But I will uphold my promise, all right?

We're gonna find a way
to save your guy...

as cleanly as possible.

No timeline explosions.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

I guess it is sweet

you were both looking out for me.

Girl, of course.

Look, I love you.
I love you. I love you.

I love you, and I cannot
wait to live with you.

I know. Besides, you know
how many aunties

are very psyched for your arrival?

- Mm.
- Mm.

Which reminds me, I, uh...
I got to get back.

You are going to stay and
apologize to each other.

Yeah? By the way, sorry about
the whole wine thing.

Okay, bye.

BOTH: I'm sorry.

- It's okay.
- Is it...

- Honestly, the voice was a lot...
- My voice?

You can't be serious
right now with what...

BOTH: All is forgiven.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

How did you know that would
work with the camera guys?

Uh, didn't, just wanted
to say how I felt.

Right. Yeah, the reality show
made everyone say crazy things.

Not me.

That was genuine...

a genuine full-blown freak-out
in front of the hot girl

I've had a crush on forever.

♪ ♪

Well, who knows?

Maybe that girl has a
little crush on you, too.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry. I'm just in my own head.

Is, uh, something wrong?

- Don't you want to?
- Oh, I want to, really bad.

But I might need a minute

to figure out what being
unchill and sober is like

before I'm the best boyfriend
you ever had.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

If you want to go slow, that's cool.

♪ ♪

You know you guys are so dorky?

Oh.

Spooner, the cameras are gone.

Oh. You know, I got so comfortable,

I didn't even realize it.

House meeting!

Just... Clothes, Spooner, clothes.

House meeting, everyone!

Sure, why not?

Gary, the reality show's over.

Yes, and I, for one, am very pleased.

- You call that entertainment?
- No, I don't.

No, we're having this house meeting

because there are apologies
that need to happen.

Gary, it's okay.

Gwyn and Sarah and I talked it out.

Yeah, and Nate and I are besties again.

No, apologies to me
and Gideon, you jerks.

She wouldn't have had to
switch over to robo mode

if you guys didn't make
her second-guess herself

and then make her feel guilty
about our relationship!

Thank you, Gary.

[SERIOUS MUSIC]

I've noticed that you've all found love

in some of the most chaotic of times,

and you've still done your
jobs with terrific aplomb.

So, you know, the fact that you think

that Gary and I cannot find comfort

in each other's sweet embrace,

it's a bit hypocritical.

♪ ♪

Um...

yeah, actually, you're...
you're completely right.

And we're sorry.

- Yeah. We're sorry.
- Sorry.

- Yeah.
- We're sorry.

It's quite nice feeling emotional again.

It's like a warm and gooey feeling

as opposed to a cold and
calculated urge to m*rder.

Say what?

I'm just kidding.
I'm quite funny, actually.

[LAUGHTER]

So funny.

But, hey, since you are
a part of this team

and a supercomputer, so you tell us,

where do you think we should go?

I'm glad you asked, Captain,
because I've given it

much tactical and
emotional consideration,

and I think I want to trust
my gut, as us humans say,

and my gut is telling me
to plot a course

for Sarajevo in .

We need to save Archduke Franz Ferdinand

and stop World w*r I.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL: What?