04x03 - All Guts, No Glory

[bunniefuu]

Look, Will, we're almost there.

Carlton, relax.
This is the line for class registration...

...not the Nixon Library.

Will, I took the liberty
of jotting out a few courses...

...you might be interested in.

Thank you, Carlton, but I already have
my academic priorities in order.

Will, I'm proud of you.

You're finally taking
your education seriously.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'll have what she's having.

Will, do you realize we stopped
and talked to every woman we saw?

So?

We were on the freeway.

Why do you do these crazy things?

The same reason Eddie Murphy
tries to sing, I like the challenge.

Right, well, if you like
to be challenged so much...

...how come you registered for classes
like Cheese Appreciation?

Carlton, the challenge is
to make your life as easy as possible.

That's why God made canned meat.

- Spam cakes, anyone?
- Hey, man.

- Morning.
- Hey, Uncle Phil.

Geoffrey, something sure smells good.

Patchouli, sweet of you to notice.

So how was registration today, guys?

Oh, yo, it was slamming, Uncle Phil.

- He met a girl, right?
- You got it, big guy.

And he joined classes
just because she's in it.

- He doesn't even know what he's taking.
- I do too.

Name it.

Western p*rn.

Western Philosophy.

Western Philosophy? I'm impressed.

You don't even know
what Western Philosophy is.

I do too.

It answers questions like:

Did anybody really believe
Kool Moe Dee was a cowboy?

The wild wild west
The wild wild west

I used to live downtown

- Ashley.
- I'm late for school, Daddy.

Ashley!

Could we see a little
compassion here?

Hilary just lost her fiancé.

She could use a little sisterly comfort.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Hilary, this is your sister, Ashley.

Suck it up, and get on with your life!

Hilary.

Sweetheart.

How you feeling?

I'm feeling much better, thanks.

Now, now, baby, tell you what.

Why don't you put on some clothes...

...and hop in the car,
and drive over to Neiman's...

...and do a little shopping.

Oh, thanks, Daddy,
but I'm not ready to go out just yet.

And you don't have to.

Here.

- I'll even look the number up for you.
- Hello, Neiman's?

Listen, I want to order that adorable
Donna Karan pantsuit in your catalog.

Item DK35712.

Yeah, and on page 14,
there's this fabulous leather bag and...

Oh, that would be cute.

Okay, okay,
attention Kmart shoppers.

We're running out of books
for Psych 157...

...the study of human sexuality.

So for any of you slimmies
who miss out...

...I'll be more than happy to demonstrate
the contents of the book.

Twice, you know.

- Can I borrow that for a second?
- Oh, sure thing, boss lady.

You're an idiot.

There you go
making snap judgments again.

- Hi, I need to get...
- Hey, Sting, kick some lyrics, man.

Do you always have to embarrass me
in public?

No, you do that all by yourself.

What'd you sign up for today,
Advanced Sarcasm?

Whatever I'm taking has gotta be
tougher than your schedule.

What is Cheese Appreciation, anyway?

Have you ever heard of a little thing
called Western Philosophy?

You're taking Western Philosophy?

I can see you're being seduced
by my intellectual prowess.

Is that Spam in your teeth?

I didn't have no Spam.

Carlton, my bird.

Excuse me,
you think I could possibly get some help?

Well, Hair Club For Men
would be a good start.

Nothing like that
minimum-wage humor.

Look, my friend,
if it's not too taxing...

...I'd like you to do a little work,
find these books for me.

All right, all right,
just relax a second.

Here, fill out this requisition form, and
I'll get them for you as soon as I can.

Okay,
try to have it before graduation, okay?

Sure thing, Skippy.

You know, I'd stay and continue
this battle of wits with you...

...but you're obviously unarmed.

Hey, I'll be sure and take care
of this requisition form for you.

He dribbles behind his back...

...he's up and he sh**t.

Oh, and it's no good.

Carlton the peacock says,
"Don't be a quitter, pick up your litter."

Help me!

Come on, guys, help me up.

Yeah, we need a cleanup on aisle four.
We got some bird droppings.

Excuse me...

...but I think I've seen your picture
somewhere before.

Oh, yeah, that's right,
it was in the dictionary next to:

You have nothing better to do
than hit on me?

Well, now, I don't know,
let me check my schedule.

Nope, all clear.

And...

Plus, I don't have any early classes,
that means we could sleep in.

You're relentless.

Yeah, I don't give up, neither.

Just think of me
as the Love Terminator.

T2, meet my boyfriend, T-Rex.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Hey, Skippy, the Garth Brooks concert
must be over, huh?

- You think I could get by?
- Well, not with those looks.

I see you're hung up
on superficial facades.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't speak geek.

No, now, come on, come on, man.
I'm just kidding.

Take a seat right here, next to me...

...and observe a class clown
in his natural habitat.

I get it.

You're planning on giving the teacher
a real hard time, is that it?

Well, you know, that's plan B.

Plan A was derailed by this
refrigerator-shaped gentleman over here.

I gotta tell you,
I see a real problem with Plan B.

What's that?

Watch.

I am Professor Jeremy Mansfield...

...and this is Western Philosophy.

I'm Will Smith.

And this is an interesting coincidence.

Philosophy is all about
the perception of reality.

And today's reality is...

...this is a very difficult course.

I am a very difficult man...

...and I'm going to make your lives
very difficult.

Excuse me, Professor Mansfield, it's not
too late to start sucking up, is it?

There'll be a paper every week...

...and a pop quiz
whenever I feel like having some fun...

...and I'm a fun-loving guy.

You will have five 20-page papers,
two midterms...

...and a little cumulative final...

...that I like to call the widow-maker.

Thank you, Padre.

Not so quick with the hair jokes now,
my friend?

Well, work may be hard...

...but I think in the long run...

...you'll find this course electrifying.

No, no, no! No, wait.

Call my mother!
Somebody call the governor!

I ain't even supposed to be in this class,
man!

I wanna live.

So, what I'm trying to do here,
Mr. Hosek, is just drop this one class.

Okay, according to your schedule,
I would say it's Western Philosophy.

Yeah, how'd you know that?

It's the only course you're taking
that actually requires staying awake.

Wait a minute, I have a really good
reason for wanting to drop that class.

Yeah, and I'm sure my wife has
a really good reason for cheating on me.

Look, man, I got problems of my own.

You think you got problems?

My wife has seen more action
than Chuck Norris.

I got an office that used to be
the janitor's washroom. Look, here!

I got a toilet in my closet!

And every day I just see my career
going down it!

Now, since registration...

...is over, officially over,
the only way...

...to get out of a class is to get
the instructor's written permission. Here.

But I have to get
Professor Mansfield's signature?

He's not gonna sign this.
There has to be another way.

Well, actually, there... There is.

Well, come on, man, tell me, tell me.

Make it one of your demands...

...when you climb the bell tower
with a r*fle.

Nurse, I'm ready to leave now.

- Hi, Dad, how was court today?
- It was great.

I got to send El Diablo up the river.

El Diablo, the graffiti guy?

He was the worst tagger
the city's ever known.

It'll be a while before they see
his name around here again.

Vivian.

It's celery, I swear.

Philip, what has gotten into you?

The incarceration of a felon
always gets my juices pumping.

Let's go upstairs and celebrate.

Honey, we have a problem.

- Hilary, your credit cards, I mean...
- After, after.

See?

So what? We're wealthy.

You should have seen me deny
that man's plea bargain.

I was brilliant!

You're going upstairs aren't you?

Yes, sweetheart. Is there a problem?

I have no one in my life
to go upstairs with anymore.

Lower.

Honey, how about a rain check?

Rain check?
Vivian, I am not a car wash.

I have needs.

So does Hilary.

Honey, I'm sorry,
I will stay down here with you.

Vivian!

I'm ready for my wax job.

Mr. Smith.

Such a quiet entrance.

Where's your... Your vim...

...your verve...

...your pedestrian wit?

Why don't we stop
wasting each other's time.

Just give me an F
and I'll be on my way.

Will that make you happy?

What would make me happy is
never having been here in the first place.

Just get me a drop slip.
I'll make your wish a reality.

You mean all I have to do
to get out of this class is ask?

I don't want anybody in here
who doesn't wanna be here.

Man, you gonna start a stampede.

You know,
I take back everything I said about you.

And give me a couple of hours
before you start your car.

Psych. Or should I say "philosp."

One of the central questions
of philosophy...

...is the revelation of truth.

Enjoy.

Do you wanna know the truth?

Do you wanna know the truth?
You can't handle the truth!

Hey, that's Jack Nicholson.

Mr. Smith,
if you wouldn't mind, please...

...would you just beam yourself
out of here.

- Captain Kirk, now that's fly.
- No, this is The Fly:

"Help me! Help me!"

Reality is, reality changes constantly.

Yesterday's reality
may not necessarily be today's.

Everybody got a pencil?

Okay, good. Hold it up.
Little higher. Little lower.

Perfect, right there.
Now break it in half.

What a sound. From now on,
we're going to be using our minds.

Hey, hey, give me a pencil.
Give me a pencil.

This course isn't about taking notes.

This course is about creative thinking.

All right, look, conservatives, right?

Liberals, rappers, skinheads...

...nudists and televangelists,
they all have something in common.

- You know what it is?
- They all been on Montel Williams.

See, I can't hear you
because you no longer exist.

But you could shove me, though, right?

What they have in common is...

...they all have
a distinct version of the truth.

But do we really care what the truth is?
No, not really.

We want to know,
"How come nobody loves me?"

"Where's my next paycheck
coming from?"

"How come
I never get any breaks in life?"

Okay, let's get on our feet. We need
a couple of volunteers to start with.

Let's get some people
who have a personal philosophy...

...that is rooted in,
oh, I don't know, sex.

Okay, that's what I thought.

Nothing kinky, we just need two.
Denise, right? Denise and...

Evan. Good.
All right, right up there.

Now, don't be nervous.
You're gonna engage in a little dialectic.

Dialectic is a ten-dollar word,
and it means "debate."

Man!

I should have never dropped out
of his class.

Hey, Uncle Phil.

- What you doing down here?
- I'm gonna tape Carlton's first pep rally.

You have no idea how proud I am
that he's the peacock.

Nope, not even a clue.

You got a little time, though.
You want some grub?

- I've already eaten.
- Is that a yes or a no?

Man, this brings back memories.

I bet you was in the top of your class
at Princeton, huh?

Actually, far from it.

I was spinning my wheels
until I met Matthew Langford.

- Who's that, one of your professors?
- Not "one."

The professor.

Man changed my life.

Turned a skinny kid from South Carolina
into the man you see today.

And you know how?

He challenged me.

To what? A pie-eating contest?

No, to having a fool as a nephew.

I have this theory.

I believe that everyone in college
has one special teacher that...

That gives him an insight,
a glimpse into who they really are.

You be on the lookout, Will.

I think I found that dude already,
Uncle Phil.

Already?

I was in my third year
before I found Professor Langford.

Let me tell you, this dude is hilarious.
I mean, he's fun, he's funny.

He makes me think about stuff in a way
that I never even looked at it before.

And I dropped his class.

Let me guess.

Western Philosophy, right?

How does everybody know that?

Because every time you're faced
with a challenge, you run for cover.

Come on, now,
that is not true, Uncle Phil.

I mean, this whole college thing
is just kind of new to me.

Bull! It's old territory.

I mean, you're always going on about
how you want to be out on your own...

...and get respect.
But you don't do anything to earn it.

I think it's my break time.

What the hell is wrong with you,
anyway?

I mean, you're smart, you're charming.

You have gifts
that other people would k*ll to have.

And what do you do? You throw it away
by taking the easy road.

Uncle Phil, this is one class.

No, this is not one class, Will.
This is your life.

It's not my life,
it's not Carlton's life...

...and you only get out of it
what you put into it.

And you are off to one lousy start.

But enough about me, Uncle Phil.
Let's talk about you.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Today's topic of conversation
is this glass.

Is it A, half-empty, or B, half-full?

Professor, it's an emergency,
you got to come out here.

What's the matter, Will? Can't move
those oranges at the off-ramp?

- I'm serious. You got to come out here.
- All right.

Hey, listen, just wax philosophically
for a few moments by yourselves.

All right, Will, what is it?
What did you want me to see?

- Here it is, the new me.
- What happened to yesterday's you?

Well, yesterday's reality
isn't necessarily today's.

You're mastering the lingo.
I'm impressed.

That's good,
because I wanna get back in your class.

I'm sorry, Will...

...some other student
already took your spot.

No, no.

Hey, come on,
Professor Mansfield, please.

You gotta do me this favor, please.

You come to me, my son,
asking for a favor.

I'm gonna make you an offer
you can't refuse.

I'm gonna let you back in this class.

Thanks a lot, Godfather.

Unfortunately, the class registrar is
closed, so you won't receive any credit.

Wait, wait, whoa. Hold on.

Freshmen have to carry 12 credits.

I mean, I'd have to pick up another class,
plus do all the work in this one.

You gotta love the irony, though, huh?

- You got a deal.
- Good, take a seat.

All right.

This looks like a lovely seat right...
Right over there.

Okay, here's another
oldie but a goodie.

If a tree falls in the forest
and nobody's around to hear it...

...does it make a sound?

Yes, yeah, yes, it does.

No, no, it don't.

Well, no, well, you know,
yeah, it's a tree, it has to, yeah.

Yeah, it... Well...

How big is the tree?

I mean, is it anywhere near a subway
or anything like that?

And how close is this forest
to the ghetto?

Okay, all right, how about if it landed
on, like, a gopher or something like that?

Hey, does the noise
that the gopher makes count?

Or what if it falls on Uncle Phil
and he hurt the tree?

Will, I took the liberty of jotting out a
few courses you might be interested in.

Carlton, thank you very much,
but I already have my academic...

...stuff in order.

Good job, Will.