04x11 - Take My Cousin – Please

[bunniefuu]

Will, academic probation is serious.

How could you let this happen?

It's Professor Burton's fault.

He used to be such an easy grader
until him and his wife got a divorce.

Then he became impossible.

The last test he gave,
I got a four, and I cheated.

No, this is horrible.

Hey, hey, Professor Burton, I hope
that ain't my essay you're reading.

Hey, Will. No, I haven't gotten
to yours yet.

I'll finish them tonight...

...right after I move
the last of my things out of our...

Her garage.

Hey, look, well, have mercy on me, man.
You know, I'm on academic probation.

Now, Will, I like you,
but I have to be objective.

When I'm at here the university...

...I can't let my personal feelings
influence my professional behavior.

I guess I won't be needing
that anymore.

Look, man.

Look, I usually keep this
on a need-to-know basis.

But you look like
you really need to know.

Behold. My chicktionary.

- A little black book, huh?
- Oh, yes, sir.

What are these letters
next to the girls' names?

Oh, those are grades.

There's a lot of F's.

That ain't necessarily a bad thing,
you know?

- What's the B mean?
- Be prepared for a possible F.

Hi, Will.

Hey, look, I'll be right back.

Oh, and G.G.W.A.B.
Means Good God What A Booty.

- What are you doing here?
- I need to switch cars.

- Carlton said you have the keys.
- Cool. What's wrong with your car?

I'm going shoe shopping,
I need the wagon. Bye.

- Who is that?
- Hilary? Oh, that's my cousin.

- Well, is she involved with anyone?
- Mostly just herself.

Oh, you... You know, she...
She was just telling me today...

...how much she could really use
a man in her life.

And...

You a man.

Oh, good. Check it out.
I got an idea:

Why don't you come over
our house tonight, right.

- And I'll introduce y'all.
- Will, I really appreciate this.

A woman like her
could really lift my spirits.

Maybe she could do the same
for my grade.

Hey, everybody.

I just bought Nicky a brand new crib.

"The Crib Chalet
has over 100 features...

...including
a*t*matic guardrail-extension...

...infrared climb-out sensors
and a built-in busy box.

Some assembly required."

Oh, no.

Carlton, my boy,
go put on your work clothes.

Help me.

- I'm not gonna miss a minute of this.
- Here, darling.

Philip, I know what's gonna happen.
He's gonna start in on your nerves...

...you're gonna end up at his throat.
- Oh, nonsense.

This is a perfect time
for a father and son...

...to spend some quality time together.
Geoffrey, go fetch my tools.

You mean your Kn*fe and fork?

Hey, Hil, you got a second?

- Sure.
- All right.

Sweet Savage Lust.
One of the classics, huh?

It's about this rich, beautiful girl...

...who loses her lover
in a terrible accident...

...and spends her nights alone
mourning his death.

Where do they get these stories?

Hey, look, Hil...

...you know,
Trevor's been gone for months now.

- Don't you miss dating?
- Yeah.

At first, I felt guilty for wanting to.

But I think if Trevor were still alive,
he'd want me to see other guys.

Exactly.

Hey, wait right here.

What are you doing?

Hilary Banks. Scott Burton.

"When a man is in love...

...he endures more
than at other times.

He submits to everything."

Boy, don't make me have to turn
the hose on y'all two.

- Will.
- Yeah?

What's going on here?

Well, Hil, I figured that y'all
might have something in common.

I'm saying,
he's an English professor and...

And you speak some English.

Look, Steve...

- Scott.
- Whatever.

- I'm really sorry...
- No, I'm sorry.

I was just so struck by your beauty
today, I had to meet you.

I'm terrible at this kind of thing.

You're not terrible.

Shields are down, Scotty. Fire!

I know this is last minute, but an artist
friend of mine gave me some tickets...

...to a gallery opening in Venice.
- That's very nice, Scott.

But don't you think Italy is more
of a second date kind of thing.

No, I mean Venice Beach.

Well, it sounds like fun.

- Do I have time to change?
- Well, if you like, but...

"True loveliness needs not
the foreign aid of ornament."

Well, duh.

Hold up, man, there's no tag on this.

I need a price check
on a Peacock athletic supporter.

Size small.

Never mind.

- Will.
- Oh, hey.

I had the best time with Hilary.
Cannot wait to see her again.

All right, man.

Oh, and by the way.
I graded your essay this morning.

The whole class did rather well,
but you, my friend, got a B-plus.

Yes. I got a B-plus.

I'm Will, call me.

I also spoke with your counselor...

...and he's agreed to take you off
academic probation...

...provided you do well
on my midterm Friday.

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

Oh, but a big midterm on Friday...

...means you're gonna have to spend
all weekend grading papers.

I'll make the test one question,
open book.

Welcome to the family, man.

All right.

Hey, you know what? Allow me.

Will, you should be ashamed
of yourself.

Hey, Jackie, I can explain.

Explain what?

How you're using your cousin
just to get yourself a good grade?

Hey, look, Jackie, it ain't like that.

I know you, Will.

But I still burn with desire
for you, baby.

Yo, Jackie. I'm just looking out
for number one.

You know what I'm saying?
You know, you know.

I don't know
who you've been talking to, Rhetta.

But, no, I don't be giving
my dates grades.

I'm saying, so, so...

Are we gonna kick it
tomorrow night or what?

I don't know. You know, do a little
somethin'-somethin'. Who knows?

Are you with that?

All right, I'll see you
tomorrow night then.

Rhetta, B.

I heard somebody
made a love connection.

So tell me about your date.

I have to admit it, Will,
you were right.

I had fun last night.

Oh, well, trust me,
you got dude flipping.

I like him too.

Hey, look, as long as you're going out
with Professor Burton, I am A-okay.

- Then that presents a little problem.
- Why, what's up?

Because I am never going
to see him again.

Wait, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean you're
never going to see him again?

You was just saying how dope he was.

He has a mole.

Hilary, wait a minute.

I sit in class with this man all day,
every day, and I ain't ever seen no mole.

I hardly noticed it too.

But as the night went on,
it got bigger and bigger...

...until it was all I could see.

Oh, it was disgusting.

Hey, Hilary, wait a minute.
You can't just dump this guy...

...because of a tiny
physical imperfection.

I mean, you ain't perfect yourself, girl.

Oh, stop.

Hilary, listen. Imperfections
are what make people special.

Like in Philly, a big butt on a sister
was considered a thing of beauty.

You know,
the more back baby got, the better.

I mean, up to a point.

Then, it's just nasty.

But come on, Hil.
You gotta give this guy another chance.

Telephone, Miss Hilary.
A Mr. Scott Burton.

Oh, the mole man. Tell him I moved.

Hilary.

Oh, all right.

Hello, Spot... I mean, Scott.

Yeah, I had a nice time too.

- Tomorrow night?
- Yes, yes.

Sure.

Okay. I'll see you then.

Well, I did it. I just hope
I don't get nauseous and faint.

Hey, hey, Hil, you know what?

I got a date tomorrow night.
We could just double.

What's that going to do?

I don't know,
maybe take your mind off it.

I'll work mole patrol.

Thanks, Will, that's great.
You're the best.

I'll call Scott and tell him.

- Oh, where are we going anyway?
- The opera.

Dad, we started this three days ago
and there's no end in sight.

Let's pay someone to finish the job.

Am I keeping you
from something more important?

As a matter of fact, yes.

I've got midterms and, eventually,
I'd like to move out...

...get a full-time job and start a family.

And when you do, I will help you
build one of these for your child.

You won't, because I'll be smart enough
to pay someone to do it for me.

And just how are you gonna do that
without a trust fund?

Game, set, match.

Now, stop whining. What's next?

"Locate the red linchpin."

Got it.

"But do not remove it."

Will, the lobster was superb.

Yeah, they gypped us, though.
They only gave us the tails.

Hilary, I got the feeling at dinner
that your attention was somewhere else.

Why would you think that?

This is our box.

What is the matter with you?

You are making a mountain
out of a mole, Hil.

- The mole, I'm over that.
- Oh. Well, then, what's the problem?

Did you see how huge
his Adam's apple is?

I don't believe this.

Every time he chewed,
it kept bouncing up and down...

...and up and down.

I mean, what's in there, a basketball?

I can't look at him anymore.

- I have to get out of here.
- Hilary.

Listen.

That is not a mole or an Adam's apple
that you're seeing.

It's Trevor.

You're telling me that Trevor
was reincarnated in Scott's throat?

No, look, Hil, what I'm trying to say
is that you miss Trevor so much...

...something inside of you
won't let go of him.

If you walk out on Scott now...

...this could haunt you
for the rest of your life.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

You might never go out again.

You'll become one of them
crazy old women...

...who walk around all day long
with a shower cap on...

...with an old
raggedy halter-top that say "Jam."

And then you gonna start
wearing rhinestone gauchos.

And then, just for no reason,
you'll say:

Then you'll be eating neckbone
sandwiches all the time.

And screaming at your little
imaginary dog, Brutus.

- And you know what the worst part is?
- What?

The only man you're gonna be able
to get is some fool named Grady...

...who be smelling like menthol all
the time and falling asleep in his soup.

Oh, God, I hate soup.

Then you march through those curtains
and you look his throat in the face!

- Everything all right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

Hey did we miss the national anthem?

Some fool named Grady.

Is Hilary okay?

It seems like
something's bothering her.

No, no, everything's cool, man.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to have
a turtleneck out in your car would you?

We are trying to enjoy the opera.

I know, it's hard ain't it?

His neck is blocking my view.

It's like watching a snake
digest a rabbit.

Hilary.

Listen, it is all in your head.

It's all in his throat.

Young man.

Did you see
Throw Momma From The Train?

I can't stand it.
Scott is making me sick.

Thank you for a wonderful evening.

My... My uncle's got her
on this crazy curfew thing, man.

Hilary, listen, I am begging you.

Please go back in there
and apologize to him.

It's very sweet of you
to worry about me, Will.

- But I'm gonna be just fine.
- Wait, Hilary, listen.

Look, if you leave now,
I might get kicked out of school.

What?

Well, see, Professor Burton
broke up with his wife...

...and, you know,
he was grading really difficult.

So I figured if he was happier,
then just maybe...

So you've just been using me
to get a good grade?

No, not at all. A little.

- Oh, God.
- Wait. Hilary. Hil...

Hey, look, Pavarotti, go in there...

...and tell my date
I'll be back in a minute.

Ladies and gentlemen:

Le Crib Chalet.

Honey.

I owe you an apology, honey.

Not only did you do a great job,
but you did it together with Carlton.

Mom, do me a favor.

Don't have anymore babies.

Hey, Dad. Did you see this report
in Consumer magazine?

It says that the Crib Chalet is
the most dangerous crib on the market.

What are you talking about?

According to this,
the crib malfunctioned...

...and an infant
was tossed 50 feet in the air.

We can b*at that.

Geoffrey.

Well... Well, that was just one crib.

Well, the same thing happened
to twins in Nova Scotia.

Sweetheart, why don't you go read
an Archie comic book or something.

Philip, the important thing is that you
and your son spent quality time together.

You should be proud
of what you built.

Even if it is a deathtrap.

You are just jealous because
you don't have son like Carlton...

...to build something with.

Yes, sir, that must be it.

Look: It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's Master Nicky.

Hilary.

Tonight, I hurt somebody
that I really care about.

What about me, Will?

I meant you.

Thank you.

- But you were right.
- I was?

Scott is the first guy since Trevor
that I really liked...

...and I guess I got scared and I had
to find something wrong with him.

And that Adam's-apple thing
was the best you could do, huh?

Well, I never had much
of an imagination.

When I was a little girl,
I never had any imaginary friends.

I just used to play with Carlton's.

And, God, they were such dweebs.

You really miss Trevor, don't you?

I know it sounds dumb...

...but sometimes I feel like
we're still engaged.

I mean, he d*ed so suddenly and
I never had a chance to say goodbye.

Well, it's never too late.

I gotta go study
for the m*ssacre at little big mole.

Look, Hil, I'm sorry, all right?

Good night.

Good night, Will.

Goodbye, Trevor.

Will Smith studied all night
and passed his English midterm.

One week later,
he was taken off academic probation.

Two weeks later, he was put back on.

Professor Scott Burton
began dating Rhetta.

Shortly after, her parents demanded
he be removed from the college.

Hilary Banks is currently dating.

She remembers nothing.

Baby Nicky only made it to 42 feet.

And then, just for no reason,
you'll say:

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That is insane.
I don't know what he's gonna say.