04x12 - You've Got to Be a Football Hero

[bunniefuu]

Guess what I have in my hand.

Do I have to call security?

Before you have me tossed in the clink
you might wanna check it out.

Uncle Phil's floor seats to the Lakers.

So, what's up, I'll pick you up
like 6, 6: 15?

Will, I appreciate you asking, especially
three hours before game time...

...but I'm kind of dating
someone right now.

You dating somebody right now?

- Well, how come I'm the last to know?
- I have my reasons.

Oh, I get it, I get it.
You're embarrassed.

Dude is probably
some snaggletoothed...

...pie-faced, snausage-lipped,
hunchback...

- It's Hank Farley.
- Heisman Trophy winning fool.

Tonight's Hank's 21 st birthday party.

Hey, Jackie, hey, come on, girl...

...now, you know that Hank Farley
is not your type.

I'm saying, you strip away
the shoulder pads and the muscles...

...and the dimples and what you got?
- You.

Hey, hey, hey.

Going to the Lakers game, huh, Will?

Well, no, there's been a little change
of plans, Uncle Phil. I'm going to a party.

Ask him if he got any sevens, Hil.

Got any sevens, Daddy?

Miss Ashley, ready for your big date?

- Not really.
- What's the matter, honey?

Did you ever have one of those days
when you just don't feel pretty?

No.

I don't know what to do.

Robert's due here at 8
and I can't do anything with my hair...

...nothing looks good on me
and I feel fat.

Oh, Ashley, you look adorable.

Oh, that's real comforting
coming from my father.

- That's it, I'm not going.
- Ashley, wait.

Look, your date won't be here
for another hour.

Let's go upstairs and I'll give you
some Hilary Banks beauty tips.

Trust me, I know exactly
what you're feeling.

You mean, you've had nights
where you felt fat and ugly?

Okay, so I don't know
exactly what you mean.

You know, so when I was
at Notre Dame, right...

...they put me in the last play
of the last game, right.

Of course, when Hollywood
got a hold of my story...

...they made it a white dude.

Look, what are you
doing here anyway?

Never mind.

I think I'm gonna go have some chips.

I'm gonna... I'm feeling chippy.

Excuse me, excuse me.

- Will.
- Hey, hey!

Hey, Jackie! I didn't see you
standing in front of the dip.

- Is this guy a friend of yours?
- Who wants to know?

Hank, Hank, Hank

And you are?

Where's Hank?

If that was a sorority out there
they would know what my name was.

You know, my brother,
I was wondering...

...was that the Ohio State game
where you fumbled three times?

Yeah, well, I really shouldn't have tried
to play with a broken hand.

Well, I played basketball once
without a leg.

Then that explains
why your jokes are so lame.

Hey, now, was that your call,
or did the coach send that in?

Hey, the testosterone is starting
to reach a dangerous level.

- Carlton, do you wanna dance?
- You wanna dance with me? Really?

I thought there was
a chemistry between us.

Ever since the day we met,
there was an indescribable something...

Do you wanna dance?

Daddy, I hope you're sitting down.

Well, we all knew
that Ashley was, well, cute...

...but with my help, she has turned
into an absolute knockout.

So it gives me great pleasure
to present:

The new Ashley Banks.

Well, isn't she the most
gorgeous creature you've ever seen?

Well, honey...

...she looks like you.

I know. Isn't it great?
I can't wait for Mom to see her.

- When is she coming home?
- I'm not sure.

She's bowling next door
at the Spellings.

Ashley, sweetheart,
are you comfortable dressed like this?

Well, Daddy, it all comes down
to what Robert thinks.

Ashley, aren't we forgetting
something?

I am so proud.

Don't move, I need a picture of this.
I'll go get my camera.

Well, Ashley, you look very nice.

Nice? I look like
Honey, I Shrunk the Hilary.

If you don't like what Hilary
did to you, why don't you tell her so?

I can't. It would hurt her feelings.
There's only one thing I can do.

Hello, Robert? Listen, I can't go.

I got stuck babysitting
my little brother.

Yeah, me too.

Well, bye.

Okay. Say, "Charge it."

Hilary, Robert canceled on me.

And after all your hard work.

Oh, that's awful.
But look on the bright side.

You might have gotten dumped,
but you look marvelous.

Ashley, where did you learn
to lie like that?

Mom taught me.

Poor Jackie, man.
Stuck over there with that clown.

She got to be miserable.

Go, Hank, yeah!

What would it take for me
to get a woman to make that noise?

Probably cash.

Hey, you know what, I can't stand
to see her suffer like this.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me,
Montana, Montana.

Let me show you how
we do this in a hip city.

- What's up, man?
- What's up with you?

Hank, let me just dance
with him this one time, all right?

Whatever you say, baby.

Hey, why don't you go
take a steroid break?

Girl, I'm sure glad
we got rid of that nut.

You pretty good with your legs,
but let's see how you are with your arm.

What?

Arm wrestling? That's a boy's game.

You're right.

Step up to a man's game. Matt.

Look, if this is over me, you can
just stop it right now, all right?

This is bigger than you, baby.
It's a man thing.

Excuse me.

All right, lightweight, bottom's up.

Freeze!

Will, what the heck
do you think you're doing?

- You can't drink.
- Why not?

Because you're underage.
It's against the law, mister.

Thank you very much,
McGruff, the Crime Dog...

...but this is the law of the jungle.

It's chump or be chumped.
I know what I'm doing.

A toast to my worthy opponent.

In the words of Public Enemy,
"Bring the noise."

Smooth.

All right.

Stop it. This has gotten
way out of hand.

What are you talking about, man?

I only had...

...two.

Look, you've had enough.
Come on, get up.

There, you happy?

Will.

Hey, look, look, listen, man, listen.

I'm not stopping until he does.

Bring it on, Sasquatch.

Look, I've had about all
I can take of this damn thing.

Carlton, would you
take me home, please?

Jackie.

Yeah, Carlton, have the valet
bring around your big wheel.

I'm ashamed of you.

Look, I'm gonna go take Jackie home.
Wait here until I get back.

And you're in no condition
to drive, mister.

As a matter of fact,
give me your keys.

Hey, hey, what you talking about, man?
I can keep my own car keys.

You understand? I'm responsible.

I had a puppy.

What happened to him?

- I don't know.
- Give me those keys.

That ain't it.

Just wait here, I'll be back for you.

I hope you're gonna have fun
driving my gym locker.

You happy, chump? Jackie left.

Oh, man, that's really...
That's a shame.

That's a shame because she's going
to miss my tribute to you.

Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...I'd like to make a roast
to Mr. Stank Barley.

Now, listen, listen.
This man is an all-American...

...which don't really matter
because we all Americans.

No, but seriously,
Spanky here got some moves.

But, he ain't getting no parts
of the scoreboard with my girl Jackie...

...because she can see through
a chump like you a mile away.

Both of you.

Jock itching, wide receiving,
love-to-take-the-snap punk.

Happy Kwanzaa, Crank.

Look at that. I think he's dead.

And you know where dead people go.

Hey, kid, get up.

What's that, Jackie?

You've got an even
smaller bathing suit?

All right, Sleepy, let's go.
Naptime's over.

Oh, man, I feel like death.

Well, you came to the right place.

What the...

- Are you the caretaker here?
- No, I'm more like a tenant.

Hey, you play poker?
We need a fourth.

A fourth? There's only two of us.

Now there's four.

Make it three.

Y'all are dead, aren't you?

"Dead" is so politically incorrect.

We prefer the term, "living impaired."

- That's much nicer.
- I can live with that.

Am I dead?

Well, there's only one way
to find out:

Take the wall test.

The living guys always fall for that.

Come on, sit down.

- Smoke?
- No, no, I don't smoke.

Hey, you shouldn't either, man.

I just gave a health tip to a dead guy.

Somebody's been hitting the vino.

Oh, it's tequila. I mean, I was just going
sh*t-for-sh*t with this football clown.

Oh, drinking contests
are Nowheresville.

You wanna prove you're a real man,
you play chicken.

Now, two guys drive towards a cliff.

The first one that stops, loses.

That's how I got here. I won.

I'm sorry, let's review here:

You went flying off a cliff.

The guy who didn't is probably laying up
under your woman right now...

...and you're stuck here
playing eternal poker with no chips.

Nice going, buddy.

Hey, they called me yellow.

Oh, please, Rebel-Without-A-Clue...

...it's kids like you who make me glad
I never had children.

So you were married?

Yes, but I was so focused on my career
that my husband left me.

I think.

I actually never did have time
to read that note.

So, what did you do?

I was in publishing,
worked with a number one author.

Very competitive, but I pushed
and pushed until I made it to the top.

I liked being on top.

I was a real winner.

Is winning really worth
going to an early grave?

You bet it is.
Yeah, I always wanted to be the best.

You know, I never even sat down
between rounds.

Yeah, I couldn't wait
to get back in there and slug it out.

Let me guess. You d*ed in the ring?

No, during the post-fight interview.

The doctor said
the next punch could k*ll me.

A lucky guess.

You know, if you guys
don't mind me saying...

...you all d*ed for some
really dumb reasons.

Now, that's where you're wrong.

We may have paid the ultimate price,
but at least we had everyone's respect.

Yes, their last respects.

Oh, not again.

Yo, Billy, go back to your plot.

That damn kid won't stay buried.

I don't have the patience
to deal with him.

Would you mind?

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

- Hey, Billy?
- Who wants to know?

- Oh, my name is Will Smith.
- Can you catch?

Oh, yeah, come on, throw it.
Let's see what you've got.

Oh, some arm
you got there, kid.

I know, I was gonna
play shortstop for the Dodgers.

Hey, maybe you still will one day.

Billy...

...how did you die?

I was playing ball on the sidewalk.

This car jumped the curb,
took me out.

The driver was drunk.

Come on, let's play.

No, I'm not feeling so good, Billy.

I'm gonna just chill for a minute.

Will.

Will.

Will.

Will.

Hey, Uncle Phil.

Hey, hey.

You're little.

Don't worry, Ash,
there are plenty of men in the sea.

You mean fish in the sea.

No, I mean men,
fish don't own yachts.

Look, Ashley, Robert was a jerk
for standing you up...

...but he's gonna be sorry he ever did.

Why do you say that?

Because starting tomorrow, not only
am I gonna do your hair and makeup...

...but I'm getting you a manicure,
pedicure and a mud bath.

People are gonna think we're twins.

Hilary, Robert didn't stand me up.

- I canceled our date.
- Why?

Look, I appreciate you trying
to do all this for me...

...but it just isn't me.

I mean, I didn't feel comfortable
having Robert see me like that.

I hope you're not mad.

Ashley, you're my baby sister.

I love you.

There's certainly nothing wrong with you
wanting to look just the way you are...

...you're just not gonna do
the volume I do.

Miss Ashley, a young man to see you.

- Robert. Oh, my God, I look terrible.
- Stop.

I thought I could help you babysit.

This is embarrassing.

I'm not really babysitting.

You're not?
Then why did you tell me that you...

Look, it's a long story.

Tell me about it
over some frozen yogurt.

Really?

Let's go.

Well, Miss Hilary, I guess
beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Yeah, right.

Man, how could I make
such a mess of this stuff?

Well, not rolling down the window...

...before you ralphed
in the Volvo was a good start.

Look, why would you even bother
competing with a guy like that?

That dude was trying to play me.
What was I supposed to do?

You could have walked away.

That... I know... The...

You know, it's like I was
watching myself being stupid...

...but I couldn't do nothing about it.

That must be
what Chevy Chase felt like.

I can relate.

Remember last Christmas when I had
that second slice of rum cake?

The next thing I knew,
I was up on the kitchen table...

...with a lampshade on my head
singing show tunes.

Trust me, I learned my lesson, man.
I ain't never drinking again.

Come on, I mean, it's a matter of being
responsible and knowing your limits.

You know, I almost got in my car
and drove home tonight.

Well, let's just be glad you didn't.

Well, I got a lot
accomplished today, huh?

I lost Jackie, I lost my self-respect,
lost my dinner.

I ain't got nothing left.

Wrong again.

I'm sorry, guys, but I really
don't remember my next line.

No, I really don't.

- Is waiting worth the...
- Okay, we can just keep going.

We can keep going.
We can keep going. All right. What?