04x15 - Who's the Boss

[bunniefuu]

Okay, okay. Everybody,
listen up. Listen up!

As acting manager while Jackie is away,
I'd like to announce a few changes.

Now, due to the numerous requests,
the no tipping policy...

...has been waived.

Oh, hello.

Don't forget to pick up
your applications...

...for the new and exclusive
stockroom clerk.

- So you're in charge now, huh, Will?
- Oh, sure, you're right.

And you know what they say.

Behind every successful man,
there's a woman.

But if you wanted to switch positions,
I'm with that too, know what I mean?

Hey. Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going? Come here, girl.

Oh, hey. Professor Milligan.

How are you doing?
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

You're coming down here
to swear me in as the new manager.

You're making the right choice...

...because as you can see,
this place is bumping.

Maybe so, but sales aren't.
Take a look.

You throw a good party, Will,
but nobody's spending.

I'm afraid you're just
not management material.

Wait. Hey, hey.

Professor Mil. Hey, listen, listen.
You're not gonna let a silly little thing...

...like profits stand in the way
of my promotion, are you?

I'm sorry, I've already
made my decision.

I'm bringing in one
of the most conscientious...

...freshmen business students
for the job.

Very meticulous.
Bakes me fresh muffins every day.

No.

No. No, he's not:

- Well, where did you get this thing?
- They were passing them out at school.

Hey, hey, hey. What's that?

The I Hate Hilary newsletter.

"Dedicated to the premise...

...that weathercaster
Hilary Banks is a boob."

Get to the insulting part.

"Hilary Banks doesn't know
the difference...

...between a cirrus cloud
and a cumulus cloud."

What is the difference?

Will, look around.
Do you see my TelePrompTer here?

"Hilary's knowledge
of the weather...

...is as skimpy as those ridiculous
outfits she wears on the air."

I mean, it's one thing to att*ck
my performance, but my wardrobe?

I don't think so.

Yep, every business major at ULA
wanted The Peacock...

...but my prospectus blew away
the competition.

Who knows?
I could be the next Ross Perot.

I don't know. Let's see.
Short, obnoxious.

All you need is a bad haircut.

And your ears.

Well, I'm proud of you, son.

Your first job, and you're
running the entire operation.

That's right, big guy.

There aren't too many first year students
with my level of savvy and maturity.

Fruity Pebbles!

And there's a little tugboat
inside, Ross.

You know, Dad, the best part is,
this could be my ticket to Princeton.

Professor Milligan says
that lvy League schools...

...Iook pretty darn favorably
on management experience.

How do they feel about guys who
still depend on the crossing guard?

Hey, that's a dangerous
intersection, mister.

- Quit putting your hands...
- Hey, hey!

You two are gonna have to come to an
understanding and work this thing out.

All right, all right.

I'm... I'm willing
to try if you are, boss.

Put it there, Smith.

Well, Geoffrey, this might be
a very good experience for both of them.

Especially Master William...

...who will discover the joy
of working for a Banks.

Hey, Professor Kemp,
Professor Meyers.

Hey, Will, how are the subs today?

Oh, well, you know,
sort of like your lectures.

Long, stale and full of baloney.

I'm stupid. I just failed, didn't I?

Look, check it out,
here's a sub on the house.

- Oh, thank you.
- All right.

Instant A.

What up, Dex?

Hey, look, man.

I saw Donna the other night
down at the quad...

...and I told her breaking up with you
was the biggest mistake she ever made.

- So she'll see me again?
- Oh, no, man, she hates your guts.

Hey, but look, there's always
more fish in the sea.

I should know.
They call me Aquaman.

Well, I've spent the whole morning
back in the stockroom. What a mess.

Do you believe someone papered the
ceiling with hundreds of Jet beauties?

That's fly, ain't it? I like to think of it
as my own Sistine Chapel.

Yeah, well, Phillipe's been in there
worshipping for two hours.

Hey, hey, relax little fellow.
You'll get your turn.

Hey, hey, hey. What up, dog?

Dog?

Will, this is a place of business,
not a kennel.

Therefore, you will greet
each customer as follows:

"Hello, I'm..." Your name here.

"Welcome to The Peacock,
where our motto is:

Whatever you want, we've got it."

I'll give that a sh*t, Carlton.
Hey, hey, hey.

My name's Will. Welcome
to The Peacock, where our motto is:

Girl, whatever you got, I want it.

Will, you're getting it all wrong.

Hey, look, man,
as long as I'm getting it.

Look, Will,
personal relationships aside...

...I'm your boss,
and you have to listen to me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Carlton,
you say something?

May I remind you,
I'm the one issuing your paycheck?

Yes, sir, General Shorcoff.

That's the spirit, soldier.

I am so frustrated.

What's the matter?

Mom and I wrote down a bunch
of meteorological terms...

...for me to memorize,
and I keep screwing them up.

Why didn't I become
an anchorperson?

They don't have to know
hardly anything.

It's commendable
that you wanna improve your skills.

You don't have to impress
those newsletter people.

I don't want to impress them.

I want to smack them.

Daddy...

...you're a judge.

Can't you just throw them in jail
or something?

Sweetheart, the worst thing you can do
is blow this thing out of proportion.

Now, if you ignore it,
it will probably go away.

Did you really refer
to Hurricane Robert as Bobby?

Well, Robert just sounded so serious.

It was serious, darling.

It wiped out half of Miami.

Well, excuse me for trying
to spread a little sunshine.

Daddy, I just can't stand
the idea of people hating me.

Hilary, people love
to att*ck celebrities.

It's part of the price you pay
for being in the public eye.

You're right. I'm gonna call someone
who's been through this.

Who's that, honey?

Someone who knows
what it's like to be hated.

555-9021.

Oh, Shannen?

Hi. Hilary Banks.

You remember that I Hate Brenda thing
that you went through?

What do you mean
you don't know me?

You spilled a drink on me at Roxbury.

Hello?

Hello?

Boy, she's not gonna make
many friends with that attitude.

Excuse me, ladies.
I'm Carlton Banks, Peacock manager.

And I'm afraid these tables
are for eating not loitering.

- We did eat.
- Yes, you did.

Seven minutes ago.

Are you saying we have to leave?

No, no, no. You can stay
if you order something else.

Look, I particularly recommend
the shrimpy cocktail.

Will, I could use a little help out here.

I ain't coming out, man!

Fine, then you're not getting paid.

Damn.

Carlton, I think we need to have
a little talk, man. You know...

...bird to nerd.

Sorry, I'm busy.

So, ladies, have you decided?

- Drop dead.
- Excellent choice.

Look around, man.

The Peacock is a place where people
just come to kick it, man.

To relax. You know, get away
from the pressures of class.

If you start hassling them,
they'll go somewhere else.

Where? The closest competition
is three blocks off campus.

Look, don't you see, Will?

We've got these people
by the textbooks.

We can charge and pretty much
do whatever we want.

This is like sex to you, isn't it?

Yes.

Well, you know what?
It doesn't turn me on, Carlton.

I think you're being an idiot.

What do you think you're gonna do
with that, mister?

Marking up the prices, Will.

Can't let you do that, Carlton.

These people are students.

They're good people.

Decent people.

They can't afford to pay any more.

Save it for someone who cares.

Freeze, man!

Do what you got to do, cowboy.

Hey, give me back my g*n.

Listen, as your boss...

...I'm not gonna tolerate
that kind of insubordination.

You're not my boss.

You're just some butt-kissing,
apple-a-day suck up that got lucky.

Oh, that's it.

That little outburst is going
to cost you a reduction in hours.

Well, I'll do you one better.

How about zero hours? I quit!

Oh, yeah? Well, well...

Don't ask me
for any recommendation.

I know Will's mad,
but this is ridiculous.

I mean, he hasn't talked to me
in two days.

What do you think I should do?

Count your blessings.

Hey, what's up...

...G?

- Will.
- No, no.

Will, you can't keep... me.

It's... not:

That's what I said:

Well, you can't even... right.

Stay out of my face, man.
I'm still not speaking to you.

Fine, be that way.

Master William...

...I've never seen you
behave so coldly.

I like it.

Well, G, a man
has got to stand his ground.

A man also has to work
to pay his bills.

Otherwise, I'd be out
parasailing with these.

Seriously, what are you going
to do for money?

Already taken care of, G.

Got me a brand new job,
three blocks off campus.

The Chestless Touchdown.

This is an outrage.

Look, Uncle Phil, I swear
that dent was in that car...

...before I hit that mailbox!

- What dent?
- Exactly. So, what were you saying?

Those newsletter bozos put up a big
"Honk, if you hate Hilary" billboard...

...right at the corner
of Sunset and Doheny.

Oh, damn. That mean they took down
the Naughty Nightie girl.

Hilary!

Hilary!

More snow today with temperatures
dropping to the low teens this evening.

- Sweetheart, l...
- Daddy, I have the greatest idea.

If I watch the weather in New York...

...I'll have a three-hour jump
on the competition.

Honey, that might not work
every time.

Listen, when you drove
to work today...

...you didn't by any chance go down
Sunset Boulevard, did you?

Oh, I couldn't.
It was backed up for miles.

And everyone was honking
like it was New Year's Eve.

Chance of snow
and a minus three wind chill.

Well, my work is done.
I'm going shopping.

Sweetheart, I've thought it over,
you know, and you're right.

I'm gonna put an end
this newsletter business.

In fact, I'm gonna head down
to the law library and get right to work.

Thank you, Daddy.

Now, dress warm, it's gonna snow.

Please don't go.

Look, I apologize for performing
the Heimlich maneuver on you.

I really thought you were choking.

And now, to create
a more festive mood...

...The Peacock is proud to present
music from Hawaii.

The entertainment charge
has already been added into your check.

Also, we are pleased to announce...

...that the proceeds
from our new pay toilets...

...have enabled us to buy
this brand new metal detector.

Remember, less flatware theft
means lower prices for you...

...our valued consumer.

Man, they ought to draw
a chalk outline around this place.

Hey, Jazz.

So, what can I get you?
A sandwich? A T-shirt?

Peacock-a-cola?

- I made that one up myself.
- It shows.

Actually, I just came by to see Will.

Mr. Smith is no longer employed here.

Looks like he took everybody
with him too.

They didn't leave because of Will.
They left because of me.

I mean, they just need time to get
acclimated to some of my new policies.

Phillipe told me you cut the teeth marks
off the pickles and reuse them.

Look, Jazz, I'm in real trouble.

My professor's coming down
to check on business.

You know a lot of people.
Maybe you can bring some of them by.

What's in it for me?

Well...

...you know how your pigeons
are always getting sick all the time?

My babies.

I'll pay their vet bill
for the rest of the year.

Even Oliver? He has a heart murmur.

- Even Oliver.
- Be back in an hour.

Jazz, what is this?

Pretty good job, huh?

It's nice to have friends you can
call on at the last minute. Oliver.

Banks! What is going on here?

Professor Milligan.

Well, see, sir.

I've managed
to diversify our clientele.

If anybody asks,
I've been with you all day.

Banks, I don't know
what you've done to this place.

But whatever it is, I suggest that you
fix it, or I'll yank you off this project.

But... But, sir, what...?

Jazz, you better get those freaks
out of here immediately.

You're the boss.

All right, you weirdos, b*at it.

Daddy, I've got some news.

So do I. I've filed
the necessary court papers.

We'll have that newsletter
k*lled in no time.

Daddy, don't you dare.

My ratings this week
have gone through the roof.

They're even talking about letting me
announce the lottery number.

Well, what about your reputation?

So, what if a few people
don't like me? I'm a hit.

Sweetheart, think about this.
Is this the kind of fame you want?

People are gonna be tuning in,
not to hear your weather report...

...but looking for a laugh.

Hello?

You're kidding.

Well, of course, I'm interested.

Who was that?

They're thinking of making me
an anchorperson.

I've gotta brush up.

Who is this Bosnia person
I keep hearing about?

Forty-eight, 49, 50.

Have fun with them potatoes, spud.

Oh, hey.

Will, I've thought about it,
and I can't let you do this to yourself.

Hey, come on, Carlton. Come back
when I'm on a break, all right?

Excuse me, may I cut in?

Carlton, what are you doing?
This is a sports bar, man.

Will, I know you only left The Peacock
because of your foolish pride.

No, I left because
of my foolish cousin.

Will, you can't be happy here.
This is a franchise.

The kind of place
where they treat employees...

...like faceless, anonymous nobodies.

Will Smith, come on up here.

I know you've only been here
four days...

...but the staff has voted you
employee of the week!

Let's have a hand for Will Smith, huh?

And by the way...

...for winning this honor,
you get the weekend off with pay.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- All right.

Oh, Carlton,
save me from this hellhole.

Okay, Will, I was willing
to let bygones be bygones.

But I can see it's no use.

It is no use, right?

Fine.

I guess the dream is over.

I'm obviously
not management material.

All those summers at business camp
were just a waste of time.

Oh, Carlton, hold up, man.

Look, you're not a bad manager.

You just stink
when it comes to people.

And you stink
when it comes to business.

So, what does that tell you?

That we both stink.

Yes, individually.

But together we'd smell like success.

What do you say, Will?

No, man. I got a good thing here.

Come on, Will.
I'll make it worth your while.

I'll give you priority shifts,
and you can wear your own clothes...

...and you've got unlimited use
of the stockroom.

- No, man.
- Well, what do you want, Will?

You know, I kind of
want you to beg me.

Beg? I don't know how to beg.
I'm rich.

Look, Will, I'll give you $ 1000
if you come back.

Gosh, you don't get it, do you?

Carlton, it isn't always
about facts and figures...

...and green pieces of paper
with dead presidents on them.

Look, a man's most valuable
possession is his self-respect.

- Make it 2000.
- All right, let me go get my hat.

Hey, hey, hey.

Professor Mil, chill.
Hey, listen, man.

Look... Now...

Listen, hey, listen.

- Hey.
- No, hey.

- Hey, well, listen.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, hey, I got it. Okay, I've got it.

You ready? Let's pick it up
from right there.