04x18 - Stop Will! In the Name of Love

[bunniefuu]

She still ain't show up yet, Carlton?

No, and I've been waiting
over two hours.

Hey, look, man, don't
even be b*ating yourself up like this.

- Everybody gets stood up once.
- Once a month?

Why did I ever trust
a computer dating service?

Carlton, hey, hey, come on, man.

Look, chances are,
a girl who matches up with you...

...has already taken her own life.

Very funny.

I'll be back in the stockroom
in the dark.

- Carlton.
- No.

I'm looking for Carlton Banks.

Just a second.

Just a second.

What took you so long, girl? Damn.

Okay, so tell me again.

Once the bread is in those little slots,
you just slide the lever down?

Fascinating, isn't it?

- Hilary...
- Not now, I'm learning how to cook.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, madam.

Sweetheart, do you know
what day it is today?

- Of course I do.
- So, what are we gonna do to celebrate?

Same thing we did last year,
only better.

Gee, Uncle Phil, how are you
gonna top last year?

Well...

- Happy Valentine's Day.
- Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart.

"Valentines fun for you
and your lover...

...come sing at the Peacock
for a 10 dollar cover."

Neat, huh? And I rented
a karaoke machine and everything.

Gosh, for real?

Aunt Viv, can I be excused
from the table?

I'm just too darned excited to eat.

But Mom, Dad, I've reserved special
seats right next to the speakers for you.

Oh, thank you, son, but your father's
got some special plans for us tonight.

You big romantic guy you.

Hilary, can you drive me
and my date to the movies tonight?

Sorry, Ash, but I'm preparing
dinner for my Valentine.

This is going to be a breeze.

Ashley, I'll give you a ride.

Oh, God.

Daddy, please, I don't wanna spoil
your plans for tonight.

- I don't have anything special planned.
- What about our big evening?

Oh, that's much later.

- So who are we dating?
- Daddy, please.

This is not going to help
my reputation.

What's wrong with your reputation?

You are. You gave every date I had
the third degree.

Boys will not even come near me...

...at school without having
a lawyer present.

Yes.

What is wrong with you, girl?

Will, daddy is going to drive me
and my date to the movies tonight.

That doesn't sound
like that's a big deal.

Will, the last time daddy drove me
and my date to the movies...

...he wound up sitting
in the two seats behind us.

Couldn't you just drop us off
and pick us up?

Oh, I'm afraid that's a little bit
of a problem, Ashley.

See, this girl that I'm dating tonight is
kind of like a 6.6 on the Richter scale...

...so I wanna be there,
you know, for all the aftershocks.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you're saying.
I'm doomed.

Ashley?

I've circled the movies I feel
are appropriate for you and your friend.

Free Willy.

Beethoven 's 2nd?

- The Return of the Care Bears?
- Oh, that was my first choice.

Oh, but if your mother
asks tomorrow...

...I didn't get any extra butter
on my popcorn.

Oh, whoa, hey, hey.

Uncle Phil, check it out.
There's been a slight change of plans.

Ashley is gonna double
with me and my girl.

I'm not gonna have my daughter
involved in one of your wild evenings.

We playing miniature golf.

That'll be cool unless the church group
shut that place down, you know?

- And afterwards?
- Well, I was thinking...

...we'd run some g*ns to Nicaragua...

...but we'll probably just come home.

All right, Will.

She's in your hands.

But if anything happens to her,
those hands will be without fingers.

Yes, sir. Lose my fingers, sir.

Hi, good evening, everyone, and
welcome to rocking Valentine's Eve.

Now I know, most of you
are wondering two things:

"How does he dress so well?"...

...and " What is this thing
called karaoke anyway?"

Actually, karaoke has two definitions.

Carry, as in carry a tune...

...and oke, as in okey-dokey,
let the good times roll.

I swear, I made that reservation
a week ago.

Philip, why don't you be a man...

...and admit that you forgot
Valentine's Day.

All right. I admit, I just forgot.

How come you don't forget
Thanksgiving?

Why don't you just relax
and try to enjoy your son's party?

Look who just floated in
on cloud nine, Philip and Vivian Banks...

...two people, who, over the years,
never stopped loving each other.

I should know, my room
was just down the hall.

- Let's get out of here.
- Just...

Hey, there, funny Valentines.
How about a love song?

We're here live
at the St. Valentine's Day Open...

...where Samantha Sackin is about
to attempt a very difficult stroke.

Wait a minute, it looks as though
she's getting some help from her caddy.

Will, I thought
you were the announcer.

Hush up, I'm trying
to help you with your form.

- Stop, not in front of your cousin.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right.

- Come on, let's go out to the car.
- Stop.

- They are really sweet together.
- What do you think he's saying to her?

Probably the same thing you were
saying to girls when you were his age.

I doubt it. When I was his age,
I was trying to get the girls to...

No, no.

He's just a little kid and so is Ashley.

Not so little, Will.
She is a beautiful girl.

Didn't you see
what the putter guy did?

- No, what did he do?
- He dropped her ball on purpose.

Now, why would he do that,
unless he was trying to check out her...?

No, look, that is not possible.

Hey, when I was 15, it was possible.

Yeah, but you
was a little freak though.

No, I'm just saying things were
a lot faster in them public high schools.

She goes to Bel-Air Academy.

I went to St. John's Parochial.

You still got that little dress
and them shoes?

Hey, Carl Lewis, put a move on it.

Hey, take it easy, Pops,
you'll be in a hole soon enough.

That's a really nice outfit.

Hey, look, if I make this putt,
you got to promise me that you'll...

Oh, Will.

Bryan.

You know, Geoffrey,
just between you and me...

...I was a little worried
about making a whole dinner myself.

But there's really nothing to it.

Oh, Miss Hilary, could you pass me
that heavy iron skillet over there?

Hello.

How thoughtless of me.

Oh, dear, I better go tend
to Master Nicky.

What? Geoffrey, you can't go now.

- But the baby needs me.
- He needs you?

I'm the one with orthopedist
coming to dinner.

Geoffrey, I demand
that you stay here and cook.

No.

Can you say that to me?

Well, let's try it again.

No.

By George, I've got it.

- No, no.
- Geoffrey.

- Geoffrey, you come back here!
- No, no.

Good God.

I think there's something wrong
with the stove.

Hole in one, yes! My first one ever.

That bird just doodied on your head.

Will, I got a hole in one.

Oh, you'll do better next time, baby.

Hey, hey, hey.
Check it out, listen.

I got a idea.
Hey, how about we switch partners.

You go down there and play with...

- Samantha.
- Thanks a lot, Ashley.

No, thanks, man,
I like playing right here.

Okay, Ashley, you go down
and play with What's-Her-Name.

- Will...
- Oh, you got another hole in one, baby?

You good.

- Gosh, it's getting warm out here.
- Why don't you take your jacket off?

Ashley, hey, check it out...

See... It's some k*ller bees
coming from Mexico.

And they could strike at any time.

And they love teenage flesh.

Thanks, but I'll risk it.

Just don't worry, man, I ain't gonna let
no bees get to this honey.

Okay, Junior Mac, listen.

I think, it's time we had
a little chat, mano a boyo.

Will, what are you doing?

Yeah, what's the problem?

I think, the problem is something
called a double standard.

Well, wait, wait, hold up, baby,
whose side you on?

I'm on the side that would like
to continue our date.

And we would like to continue ours.

I thought we was all having
a good time.

Don't you give me
that innocent boy routine.

I know that routine...
I invented that routine.

I see right through you,
you little dog.

Oh, shame.

Man, back off me, man.
I just wanna have some fun.

Fun?

Does this look like a place
to have fun?

I don't think so.

Ain't nobody gonna have
no fun up in here.

- Not me, not you, not her...
- And definitely not me.

Goodbye, Will.

Whoa, baby, come back here...
What is her name?

The word was out on your father...

...but who knew
your whole family was crazy?

Bryan, I'm so sorry.

Ashley, if you ever run away
from home, give me a call.

- Bryan, wait...
- Hey, let him go. Let him go, baby.

And good riddance,
you little Filthy McNasty.

Will, how could you do this to me?

To you? Ashley, I'm doing this for you.

When you get older,
you'll understand.

Look, let me make it better.
I'm gonna buy you some ice cream.

No, I don't want anything.
You're worse than daddy.

Nice job, Cupid.

Ashley!

That's what I call
a happy Valentine's Day.

Ashley!

Why does everyone treat me like
I'm some defenseless little girl?

Because you are, Ashley.

I mean, boys is just gonna try
to take advantage of you.

That's my problem.
Not yours or my father's.

And you know what? I can handle it.

Yeah, right, like you can handle some
big old dude trying to be all over you...

...like cheese on a Big Mac.

Will, maybe I like cheese.

How you gonna like something
you ain't never had?

Please tell me you ain't never
had no cheese, Ashley.

No, but if I wanna have sex,
I do not need your approval.

It's cheese, Ashley.

What you all looking at?

Excuse us.

Look at me.

I'm not the 11-year-old I was
when you first moved to Bel-Air.

Do you understand?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Maybe we need to send you
to an all-girls school, you know.

Just so you keep your head
on your studies.

Ash... Ashley.

Okay, that's twice.
Ashley, Ashley, come back here.

Come... I ain't playing, girl.
Come back here!

And what are you looking at?

Well, can you fix it or not?

Lady, this thing needs
a whole new mess of parts.

I'll have to come back tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Don't you have,
like, a spare stove in your truck?

I took it out when I put in the hot tub.

Listen, you... Duane.

I happen to have an orthopedist
coming to dinner.

It's Valentine's Day.

Or wasn't there a sign
or something in the trailer park?

Listen, you. The stove
has to wait until tomorrow.

But while I'm here,
maybe I can adjust your attitude.

Hello. Oh, hi, Don.

You what?

Yeah, I understand.

Sure. Bye.

Problem?

My date got called
to the emergency room.

Some old lady fractured her hip
and broke her leg in five places.

Do I have the worst luck or what?

You're not the only person
who had things to do.

I was supposed to go out clubbing
with the Maytag repairman.

He don't get out much, you know.

That a smile?
Was that a smile that I just saw?

Oh, it looks really nice on you too.
You know what?

As long as neither of us
are doing anything...

...why don't we not do it together?

Oh, well, that's very sweet,
but how can I put this nicely?

I'm too good for you.

I usually don't say this to a woman,
but you know what?

You're probably right.
Happy Valentine's Day, pretty lady.

Duane? Do you fix microwaves?

Can we go now, please?

No, I don't want this evening
to ever end.

Stop it, Vivian. You don't wanna
be here any more than I do.

You're right, I would rather be
in a romantic, beautiful restaurant...

...having a wonderful
Valentine's Day dinner.

But you didn't remember.

Look, sweetheart,
sweetheart, you know...

Come on, everyone, hum with me.

Sweetheart, I work very hard...

...to provide a good life
for you and my family.

And every night, I hold you in my arms,
I kiss you goodnight.

I don't need a holiday
to tell you that I love you.

I show you all year.

Oh, Philip.

We're going to Paris
on our anniversary.

Philip. Oh, that's next week.

It is?

- Ashley?
- Oh, great.

I just paid a 10 dollar cover to spend
Valentine's Day with my parents.

- Where is Will?
- I don't know and I don't care.

- How did you get here?
- I took a bus.

You what?

- You got a lot of explaining to do.
- So do you, Will.

You let this child
wander the street at night.

I'm not a child.

You were supposed
to watch out for her.

I did. That's why I kicked
that old nasty boyfriend's butt out.

- Daddy...
- Just a minute.

- What did he do to my little girl?
- I'm not a little girl.

Hey, a little less yelling and shouting,
a little more humming and clapping.

- Look, all I know is...
- Where is the girl?

We was at the Putt Putt Golf
and she was necking.

Who was necking?

- All I know, is I'm dating her...
- You know you had a responsibility.

Five, four, three, two.

We're here live
at the St. Valentine's Day Open...

...where Samantha Sackin is about
to attempt a very difficult stroke.

Oh, wait, it looks like
she's getting help from her caddy.

- Hold, please, hold.
- Ti, you can't walk through the sh*t.

Did I? Oh, my God.

Jeez.

You little Filthy McNasty.