04x25 - For Sale by Owner

[bunniefuu]

- Sir?
- Oh, it's delicious.

- Should eat some first.
- 'It's about time.'

Sir, I hate to disturb you
during feeding time

but there's a man snooping
around the premises.

Daddy, call the police.

- I'll handle this.
- No, no, no, no.

I got this one, Uncle Phil.

What are you doing
in our backyard, man?

Oh, my God.
Uncle Phil, he's got a..

...business card!

Sorry, if I startled anyone.
Nobody answered the front door.

- I'm a realtor. Ron Reed.
- Oh. How are you?

Now that still doesn't
give you the right

to go traipsing
around our property.

But I've got a client
who's prepared to make

a very generous offer
on this house.

Well, then come in, Ron.
It is Ron, isn't it?

Sit down.
Take a load off, yes.

Care for some salmon?

Carlton!

What kind of offer, Mr. Reed?

Well above market value.

My client wants to buy it
for his nephew.

This house is not for sale.

- How much?
- Shut up, Carlton.

Mr. and Mrs. Banks,
if you'll hear me out.

You see, my client's nephew grew
up in this house in the 50's

and he'd like to repurchase it
for sentimental reasons.

How much?

(all)
Shut up, Carlton!

Hey, Uncle Phil, man

you're not really
going to consider

selling this house, are you?

Come on. This place
is special to us.

I'm authorized to bid
a half million dollars

above fair market value.

I'm going to pack my stuff,
alright?

[theme music]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down
and I'd like to take a minute ♪

♪ Just sit right there I'll tell
you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving with
your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab ♪

♪ And when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say ♪

♪ That this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

(Philip)
'It's kind of tempting, huh?'

Especially with real estate
market being so soft.

Am I the only one
who doesn't think

making money is always
the bottom line?

Let's hope so.

Very funny, Carlton.

Look, some stranger wants to
buy this house

for sentimental reasons.

What about our sentimental
reasons?

We love this house.

You know, I mean,
I think Ashley's right.

I mean, this place has got
a lot of memories.

Living here has been almost
a religious experience.

You know, my father would
k*ll me

if he knew I was out
with a boy tonight.

I told him
I was going to church.

The Lord is good.

Why don't you come on over here,
sit down and relax a little bit?

Okay.

Ahem.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Boy, you are pretty slick,
Will Smith.

And I ain't even oiled up yet,
you know?

Hey, hey, you know what?

You can sell the house.

It's the couch
that got the memories.

And the jacuzzi.

Carlton's little
typewriting table.

Hey!

Look, kids, this is serious.

What should we do, Philip?

I can't imagine
living someplace else.

This is where
we raised our children

and taught them to be
responsible adults.

Here, Hilary,
you take it out.

- Out where?
- To the trash cans.

You know, those things you hit
every time you back out the car.

Thank God! I thought it was
the neighbor's kids.

Ow! This is gross!

I don't touch greasy,
disgusting things.

Just pretend it's buying you
dinner afterwards.

- You take it.
- Girl!

And for your information,
dinner comes first.

Oh, it's like that, right?

You're just gonna slam
garbage at me.

Good morning, Will.

Good morning, Uncle Phil.
Here's your lunch.

Thank you.

We all knew that Ashley was,
well, cute.

But with my help, she has turned
into an absolute knockout.

So it gives me great pleasure
to present

the new Ashley Banks.

Well, isn't she the most
gorgeous creature

you've ever seen?

Ashley sweetheart, are you
comfortable dressed like this?

Well, daddy, it all comes
down
to what Robert thinks--

Ashley, aren't we
forgetting something?

He's so in tune
with my needs.

It was amazing and endless
and magnificent.

I think I saw God.

[screaming]

- Stand up.
- We're sorry.

I fell. I fell.
I fell. I fell.

You'd think in a house this big

a fella would get
a little privacy.

Or stronger doors.

Whatever. I still think we
shouldn't sell this house.

It's home.

Now, Ashley, this house
obviously means

a lot to all of us

but you don't get an offer
like this every day.

I'm gonna have to give it
some real consideration.

Excuse me?

I mean, your mother and I
will have to give it some

real consideration,
isn't that right, sweetheart?

Dear?

[instrumental music]

Man, if we end up moving
into another guest house

I'm getting the bedroom
this time.

Not so fast, buster!

Who knows if the new place is
even gonna have a guest house?

Uh, don't worry, we'll bring
a shoe box you can sleep in.

Listen, my friend, I haven't
exactly gotten a kick

out of being
your roommate either.

I mean, I can't imagine
anything more irritating

than sharing a pool house
with you.

Oh, I can. How about sharing
a jail cell with you?

Come on, man, let it go.
You'll feel better.

♪ Let my people go ♪

♪ Oppressed so hard
they could not stand ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

♪ Go down Moses ♪

♪ Way down in Egypt land ♪

♪ Tell old pharaoh ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪♪

Yeah, well, that whole fiasco
was your fault.

You're totally immature.

I'm immature?

Well, isn't that the
munchkin
calling the midget short?

Oh, what a night!

I made a k*lling.
26 milky ways.

And the democrats say
there's a recession.

What are you supposed to be?

My idol, Macaulay Culkin.

And you know why he's my idol?

Why? 'Cause y'all
the same height?

How dare you two defy me?

Now, see here, big guy.

[air hissing]

Oh, my God! Howard!

And to think I laid out 50 big
ones on your damn cake.

Not just any cake, I got you
that really, really neat one

in the commercials,
you know the one that goes..

♪ Sonny the seal
your timing's a squeal ♪

♪ 49.95 oh what a deal ♪

♪ It's sonny.. ♪♪

Carlton! Carlton!

Come to think of it,
I don't know how I've been

around you this long.

What's wrong
with being around me?

Oh, well, how about

"I'll take always embarrassing
me for 500, Alex?"

What have I ever done
to embarrass you?

Oh, well, you,
you gotta few days?

You really think we made it?

Look, man, whether we did
or not, you hung in there.

I'm proud of you.

You're proud of me?

You never said that to me
before in my life.

Give me a hug.

You see, man? That's exactly
why I never tell you
nothing.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go
ahead.

Admit it, Will.
You care about me.

I do not.

Yes, you do. You like me.
You like having me around.

Carlton, take it back, man.

Face it.

Just got to face it.

You love me.

Alright,
that was a bad example.

You're not so much
of an embarrassment.

Apology accepted.

Hey, come on.
See, man. Damn.

[instrumental music]

So, after careful consideration

we've decided not to sell.

- Oh, daddy!
- Oh, man!

When it came down to it we just
couldn't part with this place.

I mean, in the final
analysis

there are more important things
than money.

Would everyone stop saying that?

I'm getting a migraine!

We got some baby tylenol
in the kitchen.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Ah! Ron!

Yeah, I was just
going to call you.

Uh, look, we've talked it over

and we've decided not to sell.

No. I don't think there's
anything you could say to me

that could change..

What's that?
You're kidding.

Could you hold on for a minute,
please? Thank you.

Philip, what's going on?

Ron said that his buyer is
willing to go $1 million

above market value.

- Whoa!
- Aah!

[screaming]

Yes, there is a God!

Look at you all!

Will, say something.

Ching! Ching!

[indistinct chatter]

Okay. Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.

That was Ron.
The buyer is flying

this evening from New York.

[indistinct cheering]

But I don't want to move!

Whoa! Whoa!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, girl.

Ashley, this is $1 million here.

Now listen, uncle Phil will put
that money in the bank, right

and then start getting
all kinds of crazy interest.

Then it's bonds,
then it's that T-bill stuff.

And they got some certificates.

And then-then,
then junk be compounding.

- What are you talking about?
- I have no idea.

Money! Money! Money!

Is that all you people
care about?

I've been very happy
in this house.

A lot of exciting things
have happened to me here.

Ashley, you're 15 years old.

How much excitement could
you
possibly have had?

A lot more than you, Carlton.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Dear Ashley ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪♪

Happy birthday, Ashley.

I think I'd feel better
if I could kiss you.

I'm sorry.
Is that terrible?

No.

Is it terrible that I want
to kiss you back?

Can I blow in your ear?

Why?

I don't know.
I heard Will say it.

Oh.. Okay.

[blowing]

Hey, Ashley, you ain't tell me
that dude blew in your ear.

Me, either.

I, uh, embellished?

Uncle Phil, I think you've more
than made your opinion known

to Ashley and her boyfriends.

- Who do we have here?
- We met at the mall.

What's your name, son?

This.

This is a stick with a snake
wrapped around it.

It's a symbol,
like prince.

Prince who?

See, that's exactly why fathers
ain't allowed at the mall.

Uh, what's this thing?

It's a symbol,
for "Get out of my house!"

So I lost my temper once.
Who hasn't?

Excuse me. Once?

Speaking as a lawyer, I can only
say, that your daughter

suits the criminal profile
to a "T."

Right down to the low,
sloping forehead

and the wide jaw suitable
for grains and small
rodents.

I think you must have her
confused with your mama.

I don't want you to move
out.

Sorry, dad, I have to go.

- No, you don't.
- Will says I do.

He says it's time
for me to leave the nest

become independent,
and have sex with girls.

Safe sex, mind you,
but lots of it.

Excuse me!

Is this what you've been
telling my boy..

- What?
- That life is one big orgy?

College is hard work, son

followed by a family which is
even more hard work.

And a teenage daughter who
doesn't wanna be seen with
you

in public and a wife, a wife
who won't let you anywhere

near her and a butler,
a butler who may be the
father

of your child!

Dad! Dad!

You big-eared freeloader!

You take your little
square-headed cousin here

and find Geoffrey,
and you bring him back

or they'll
never find your bodies.

And I'm a judge.
I can make it happen.

Alright, alright,
so I have an ugly side.

And you could write
"Goodyear" on it.

The more I think about it,
I won't mind

saying goodbye to this place
at all.

I mean, I've experienced
the greatest tragedies

of my life here.

Damn!

'And-and I, I mean that'

in the nicest possible way, Hil.

[grunts]

I look like a troll doll!

Look! There he goes.

Hilary Banks..

Oh, yes, Trevor!

(Trevor on TV)
'Will you marry me?'

[splat]

I ain't no bungee expert
or nothing

but I don't think he's supposed
to be slamming

into the ground like that.

If I hadn't asked
for a special proposal

Trevor would be in my arms

instead of in my purse.

I love you, Trevor.

[sobbing]

Um...Hilary

Trevor wasn't cremated.

Ew!
Then who's this?

I'll see him to the door,
Miss Hilary.

I'm still not over
that hair thing.

Geoffrey, we're gonna need
some more d'oeuvres tonight.

What do we have in the house?

Whatever he hasn't eaten.

Geoffrey, for once, could you
please cut the sarcasm?

Sarcasm?

Whatever do you mean?

Geoffrey, go fetch my tools.

You mean, your Kn*fe and fork?

Jazz, to what do we owe
your presence?

My guess would be
inbreeding.

Sweetheart,
it hasn't been that long

since we've made love,
has it?

Five months this Tuesday.

Why, that's just
good-natured ribbing, sir

unlike those ruthless barbs
from Master William.

Me?

[snickers]

[humming]

Earthquake!

(Philip)
'Man changed my life.'

Turned a skinny little kid
from South Carolina

into the man you see
before you today.

And you know how?
He challenged me.

To what, a pie-eating contest?

What is wrong with you people?

I weigh the same thing
I weighed in high school.

Yeah, if you add up
all four years.

[laughing]

Hey, hey, hey, man.

Man, have I told you
how thin you looking lately?

Well, no, especially
around your chins.

I mean, um.. Damn.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

That must be him.

Now, we're doing the right
thing, aren't we?

We should sell.

Oh, my God.
She's buckling, dad!

- Throw some cold water on her.
- Carlton!

Of course we're doing
the right thing, sweetheart.

Sir, it is my esteemed pleasure

to introduce Mr.
and Mrs. Donald Tr*mp.

It's the Donald! Oh, my God!

[grunts]

Mr. And Mrs. Tr*mp,
it's an honor to

uh, to, um, to meet you.

Well, Ron said his client had a
rich uncle, but Donald Tr*mp..

I like keeping a low profile.

- Hi. Hilary Banks.
- Hi, Hilary.

You know, you look
much richer in person.

Hey, Mr. Tr*mp. Hi.
How you doing? Will Smith.

Listen, you are getting
a great house here

and-and this is quite a deal
you're getting for it, too.

Let me you what,
throw in another 50 grand

I'll cut the grass for you
every Saturday.

Look, folks,
before we go too far

I've got something to tell you.

Excuse me. But I've got
something to tell you first.

Thank you for ruining
my life!

- Ashley!
- What did you do?

Everybody's always blaming me
for everything.

Come on, let's sit down
and sign some papers.

Mr. Banks, there's been
a little mistake.

Mr. Tr*mp's nephew grew up
at 508 St. Cloud Road.

And all this time, I thought our
address was 805 St. Cloud Road.

It is, Hilary.

It's very embarrassing.

Apparently,
I inverted the numbers.

I don't know what to say,
except I'm sorry.

That makes two of us.

Well, that's business.

Let's go down the street.

I brought cash.
It's quicker.

Nice meeting you all.

It's just too much
of a fixer-upper.

Vivian, Vivian, Vivian, Vivian.

- No, no. No, no.
- What..

What happened?

Donald Tr*mp walked in,
and you passed out.

Donald? Where is he?

He'll be the guy carrying
millions of dollars in cash.

If you hurry up..

Oh, well, I guess this
makes you very happy.

And you are, too.
Come on, admit it.

Yes! We're staying!

Yes, you know,
it's probably for the best.

I guess deep down inside, none
of us really wanted to move.

[rumbling]

Of course I do hear Des Moines
is great this time of year.

[instrumental music]

(male #1)
'In five, four, three, two..'

But it'll cut into
my trick or treat.

[laughing]

Here we go.

But it'll cut into
my trick or treat.

I'll just say my line
and go.

[laughing]

(Director)
'I just won $1,000.'

'In five, four, three, two..'

[laughing]

It ain't me.
It ain't me.

This is..

I was here.
I was cool.

(Carlton)
'I can't get it out.
I cannot get it out.'

(Will)
'Come on, one more sh*t,
one more sh*t.'