06x03 - Stress Related

[bunniefuu]

There. Finally, this family's
gonna start eating healthy.

What do you think?

I think it's too good
to be wasted on the hired help.

Hey, hey.
Good morning, Aunt Viv.

Oh, my!

Look who's dressed up
for his first day at work.

- You look so nice.
- Come on.

Don't sweat me, Aunt Viv.
Don't sweat me. Don't sweat me.

Give 'em back.

Hey, Carlton. Look. I don't know
what you talking about, man.

Alright?

Carlton, what're.. Carlton!

Carlton,
what are you doing, man?

Carlton!

What is going on here?

I've got my job interview
in a half hour at the bank

and Will's wearing my
argyles.

Carlton, Carlton, get off.
Get off, man!

You want your stupid socks back
you can have 'em.

Probably ain't gonna help
my foot fungus anyway.

Keep them.

- Morning, Ashley.
- Good morning.

Has anyone seen my black
leotard?

That ain't funny.

Philip, you think you'll be home
late from work tonight?

Probably.
Jury selection's taking

a lot longer than we thought.

Could even spill over into
tomorrow.

Tomorrow?
Daddy, tomorrow's Career Day.

You're still gonna speak, right?

Don't worry, Ashley.
I'll be there.

- Oh, okay.
- Wait, wait. Hold up. Hold up.

Hold up, Ashley.

Y'all having a Career Day?

I mean, why you ain't asked me?

I'm sure all the kids
at your school would wanna know

what an assistant talent
coordinator does.

- Well, what do they do?
- What do they do?

[scoffs]

I'm gonna have to get back to
you on that one, Ash. Alright?

- Breakfast is served.
- Oh, good. Good.

I think I'll pick up something
down at the courthouse.

- I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick.
- Me too.

[indistinct chatter]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how
I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

(Werner)
Hilary, how you doing?

Oh, how does it look like
I'm doing?

My throat is sore.
My eyes are dry.

Every bone in my body aches.

And my nose is so clogged up

I can't even smell my Obsession.

Great. Then you'll be ready
to meet Mr. Stimple tomorrow.

- Mr. Dipple?
- No, no. Not Dipple. Stimple.

- That's what I said. Dipple.
- Right.

The guy we're trying to get
to sponsor our show.

Oh, but I can't do it tomorrow.
I'm almost dead.

Well, if you don't do it
tomorrow the show will be dead.

Hey, excuse me, man.
I was wondering if you-if you..

If you could..

Excu-excuse..
Excuse me, sweetheart.

Could-could-could..
Could you..

Catch up with you at the
commissary, baby. Alright?

Hey, hey. Werner, what's up?
Hey, how you doing?

Um, listen, I just wanna say
how great it is to be here

and I wanted you to know that
I-I'm ready for anything.

[chuckles]
Whoa, you are a tiger.

- I like that.
- Rawr! Great.

[laughs]

- Well, um, let's see.
- Anything. Anything.

You know, actually,
we do have something rather

important going on,
we have a potential sponsor--

Oh-oh! A sponsor! Great. Great.

- Everything must be perfect.
- Perfect.

Hey, I'm your man.
I'm your man.

We really want to
impress this guy.

Hey. Well, hey. Impress him.
I am with you.

What you need me to do?
You know, pick him up in a limo.

You know, take him out to
dinner? Show him the town?

Listen. Anything you need.

Actually, uh,
I need you to move those boxes.

Boxes.

- Boxes?
- To the Xerox room.

Poof! Boxes!

[grunts]

[chuckles]

Oh, hey, but listen, you know,
after-after I do that

you know, I-I think I'll be
really ready for some

some serious responsibility.

Don't worry, soon enough
you'll have more responsibility

than you can handle.

Alright.

Who ordered a Chinese
chicken salad?

Hey, daddy.
How's the jury selection going?

Oh, it's exhausting.

We're still four jurors
short
and I, and I don't know--

This isn't gonna keep you from

coming to school tomorrow,
is it?

Well, if we don't find them

we'll just go with
whatever we have.

Geoffrey, make me a
sandwich.

- May I remind you, sir..
- No, you may not.

Just make me a sandwich.

As you wish, sir.

I don't mean to brag

but you're looking at the
next
junior executive

at the California
International Bank.

Well, they hired you
on the spot, huh, son?

Well, they haven't actually
hired me yet

but their body language
was pretty clear.

Body language?

Sure. They gave me the wink
and the g*n.

You know.

[clicking tongue]

Oh, when they give you the wink
and the g*n that means

"Hey, you're our man."

[clicking tongue]

- Hey, hey. What's up, guys?
- Hey, Will.

How did your first day go?

Oh, it was great, Uncle Phil.

Hey, listen, after I got
finished changing light bulbs

and moving boxes

they gave me somethin'
really important to do.

I moved a big box.

Well, that's the problem
with menial jobs, Will.

You're completely at the
mercy
of someone else's whims.

Now, if you'd have
taken a more executive

corporate like endeavor
such as myself

then you'd be your own man.

Not sitting around like some
puppet waiting to be
beckoned.

[telephone ringing]

That's them. That's them.

Hello?

No. She's not here right now.

She'll call you tomorrow.

Ashley, call Felicia tomorrow.

What did you do that for?

I need to keep the line clear.

Well, I'm calling her upstairs.

- Oh, no, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

- Oh, no, you're not.
- Who put you in charge?

I did. I am Carlton.
You are not..

[sighs]
I'll talk to you later on,
Uncle Phil.

You know, Will..

My first job was
in a law clerk's office.

It was the summer of my freshman
year in college

and I thought I was..

[chuckles]

All that.

[chuckles]

Anyway, I spent most of my days

uh, making coffee
and copying legal documents.

And that was before Xerox
machines.

[chuckles]
Dag.

Who was your boss?
Mr. Slate?

[laughs]

He was on The Flintstones.

Go ahead, uncle.

Well, the point is

one day I decided
to take some initiative

and, and make myself
more important to them.

You know, it worked.

- Hm. Initiative, huh?
- 'Yeah.'

- Your sandwich, sir.
- Oh, thank you, Geoffrey.

[chuckles softly]

- What is this?
- Tofu and rice cakes.

I tried to warn you.
Mrs. Banks has run amuck.

Geoffrey. Geoffrey,
now, if you'll go to my
office

and look in my desk..

Gone, sir.

- My pimento loaf?
- I'm afraid so, sir.

But I still have some
bologna
in the..

She got that too, sir.

Man, Aunt Viv got skills.

Hey, look, Uncle Phil,
what do you say

we slide down to Mickey D's
before she clean them out
too.

- Initiative.
- Yes, sir.

Yes!

[instrumental music]

So do you think that you could
render an impartial verdict

in accordance with the law?

Oh, I know I can. I must.

I've been ordered to.

Ordered?

By whom?

Alex Trebek.

I'd like to thank our guest,
Mitchell Conklin

for sharing his heartbreaking
story of a life with no friends.

Well, Mr. Mitchell Conklin

I'm your friend.

Come back tomorrow
for more of me. Hilary.

[applauding]

And we're out.

I'd just like to thank you for..

Not now.

Great show.

[Hilary sneezes]

Ew! Could somebody
please get me a Kleenex?

Oh, look at me.
I'm getting all puffy.

Werner, what am I gonna do?

- Well, I..
- It's done, Hil.

I just, I just went
and I got her some medicine.

You know,
I took a little initiative.

Initiative. I like that.

You know, thinking ahead
will get you ahead.

Little story.
When I started off..

Hello?
Aren't I the patient?

Shouldn't I be getting
all the attention?

Will, why don't you go
help Hilary relax?

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, hey, I just wanted tell you.

I'm really starting to feel like
part of the team around here.

[chuckles]
Don't ever touch me.

Just gotta learn the rules, man.
Just gotta learn the rules.

Mr. Jackson, why do you think
you'd make a good juror?

Because I could always tell
if someone was guilty

just by looking at them.

Sir,
even I can't tell by looking.

And they let you be a judge.

My brain is all clouded.

My head's all fogged up.

And I can't think straight.

And now you've got a cold
on top of it.

- Will, just fix it.
- Oh.

Here you go, Catwoman.

[sneezes]

See?
You getting better already.

- Soy meatloaf, madam?
- Yes, Geoffrey.

I am through serving
that fat-filled

cholesterol-ridden mess.

Say what you will,
but he is a good provider.

I knew that's why
they didn't call.

- Geoffrey, I told you no calls.
- Master Carlton, I was just..

Damn you and your excuses.

Sit down and relax.

You're right.

Geoffrey, I'm sorry.

[telephone ringing]

Touch that
and you'll be on the first thing

smoking back to London.

[high-pitched voice]
Carlton Banks' office.
Please hold.

[normal voice]
Carlton Banks here.

Oh, hi, dad.

I thought it was someone
important.

But I can't.
I-I'm waiting on a phone..

Fine.

Is everything okay?

Dad's still interviewing jurors.

I've gotta go to Ashley's school
and tell her he can't make it.

Look, if anyone calls just give
them my cell phone number.

Thanks.

- Keep the lines clear.
- Certainly, Master Carlton.

Whoops.

Hey. Yo, Hil,
Mr. Stimple's here to..

Well, what do you know?

It's Uncle Cousin Will.

[Hilary chuckles]

Oh, I feel much better.

That was some good tea.

I love you.

Uh, Hil, Hil, Hil. Hey, come
here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.
Wait right here.

[Hilary groans]

[screams]

"Use only before bedtime.

Do not operate heavy machinery."

Good thing we're not
on a tractor, huh?

[chuckles]

[screams]

[screams]

[instrumental music]

[screams]

[laughs]

Hilary. Hilary.
Come here. Come here. Come here.

[chokes]

Now, Hilary, you gotta get

yourself together
for your sponsor.

- Oh, Mr. Pimple? Bring him in.
- No. It's Mr. Stimple.

Bring him in too.
The more the merrier.

Oh, but we're gonna need
some
more tea.

Oh, no. Ah, ah, ah.

I think you missed the last
call, baby.

Come on, walk it off.
Walk it off.

♪ I'm a little teapot ♪♪

Hilary!

Now breathe, breathe.

[Hilary panting]

Get up! You are not trying here,
young lady.

[crying]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Come on. Come on.

Walk it off. Walk it off.

Oh, Will.
You're tickling me. Stop.

[knocking on door]

Werner is wondering
what's taking so long.

Candace, hi.

Have you met my cousin,
Will?

Isn't he cute?

Uh, uh..

She-she had too much medicine.

[chuckles]
Yeah, right.

Wait. Hey. Hey. Wait.
Wait a minute.

Now listen, you go down there

and you stall Werner
and Mr. Stimple. Alright?

- I'm gonna take care of Hilary.
- Okay. But wait a minute..

Alright, alright..

Hilary.

Hilary go night-night.

[instrumental music]

I can't believe this is
happening. Dad promised.

Buck up, Ashley. Life is filled
with disappointments.

I am the only person
who doesn't have a speaker.

I'm gonna look like an idiot.

Once again,
Carlton Banks to the rescue.

When do I go on?

No. No.
Carlton, it's Career Day.

You don't even have a job.

Fine. But, if you don't want
the next junior executive

at the California
International Bank..

Okay. Okay. Fine. I'll go
tell
them to introduce you.

[cell phone rings]

[high-pitched voice]
Carlton Banks' office.
Please hold.

[normal voice]
Carlton Banks here.

Oh, yes. The job, of course.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

Huh?

But I don't understand.

You can't give a guy the wink
and the g*n

and then not give him a job.

Buck up? Buck off.

(female #1)
Our next speaker is Ashley's
brother, Mr. Carlton Banks.

[audience applauding]

And here is where
we hide our star.

Hey!

How you doing?

You must be Mr. Stimple.
How you doing?

I'm Hilary's hair designer,
Diante.

Pleasure.

Oh, why didn't you tell me
he had such lustrous hairs?

Oh, excuse me. I'm right in the
middle doing girlfriend's hair.

She is so excited to meet you.
Just later.

Well, I'd kind of like to
meet her now.

Uh, Hilary,
I've never seen the program.

Do you stand there
and interview a guest

or do you run all around
like Donahue?

Oh, listen.
Hilary can do it all.

You know, she can stand.
She can run.

You know, she's like Ricki Lake

and Oprah and Donahue
all wrapped up in one.

Around here we call her
Ricki-Oprah-Hue.

Very clever word play

but I'd like to hear
what Hilary has to say.

Oh, see, she like real shy.

You know, she can't really
verbalize with you

till she gets to know you.

You know what I mean?

Of course. Where's my head?

Hi, Fred Stimple.
Stimple Rubber. Pleasure.

Oh, no, you don't. Honey, it
took me an hour to do the nails.

You a Leo, ain't you?

And in conclusion,
if you follow these steps

as I have outlined then I
guarantee you'll be successful.

[applauding]

Thank you.

You still haven't told us
what you do.

Well, I-I was previously

in expeditious
comestible management.

And, um, currently

I'm overseeing
a myriad of options.

Do you even have a job?

Well, strictly speaking, I..

He's a bum just like
my Uncle Eddie.

[laughing]

Excuse me, sir.
Are you really a bum?

Back off, sister.

You got an attitude problem.

Damn right I've got attitude.

Just wait till you grow up.

You'll see how tough it is.

There are sharks out there

and you're all little guppies
waiting to be devoured.

Oh, sure, you can lie back in
your protective little womb

called high school and pretend
the world is your oyster.

But one day it's gonna turn on
you like the rotting milk

in your stinking little
lunchboxes.

Thank you.

You know, with a touch of henna
and a kiss of ash blond

you're gonna need yourself
a beeper, girl.

Diante, you're a very unusual
man, but I grow tired.

- Who are you?
- Aah!

Who am I? I'm Mr. Stimple.
Stimple Rubber.

Oh, my God.
Mr. Stimple.

- Will..
- Will?

- I thought you were Diante?
- Diante?

There's a perfectly good
explanation for all of this.

Save it.
This has been, uh, different.

Excuse me, Mr. Stimple.
Um, I'm sorry.

Uh, M-Mr. Stimple.

Um, look, my name is not Diante.

My name is Will.
I'm Hilary's cousin.

Now look, this is-this all
quite simple, Mr. Stimple.

I'm sorry. Um, listen.

Look, my uncle told me I should
take some initiative, right?

So I got night-time-so-you
could-sleep instead of

daytime-so-you-could think
medicine, right?

Man, how is she supposed
to drive a tractor? You
know.

So I said, "Aah!"
And, you know she said "Aah!"

You-you-you know
what I'm saying?

- You're Hilary's cousin?
- Exactly.

This is the worst day
of my life, Mr. Stimple.

- I'm so sorry.
- No need to apologize.

Believe me,
I know all about nepotism.

I got a factory full of
idiot nephews

and worthless brother-in-laws.

The way I see it, with only one
moronic cousin running around

you're way ahead of the game.

[both laugh]

[Will laughing]

He said, "Moronic cousin."

Hey. Ho-ho-hold up, man.

[instrumental music]

Fine. I understand
your having to work.

I even understand
you missing Career Day.

But what I don't understand is

how you could possibly
send Carlton.

I mean, you could've sent mom.
You could've sent Geoffrey.

You could've even sent
the pool guy.

He answered the phone?

I understand
you taking the initiative.

I even understand
you giving me the tea.

But what I don't understand
is how this happened?

Uh, see, well, you bobbed
when you should've weaved.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Dinner is served.

- I'm sick.
- I'm sick.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on!

- Now, we have to do this.
- Oh, sure.

Now our responsibilities
kick in.

[instrumental music]

(Vivian)
'Look at you.'

'I can't believe
you're acting like this.'

All I'm trying to do is
look out for everybody here.

Honey,
don't you wanna live longer?

Don't you wanna feel better?

Last one to Roscoe's Chicken
and Waffles ain't eating.

[instrumental music]

I understand there were
other applicants.

I even understand
I was too young for the job.

But what I don't understand

is they gave me the wink
and the g*n.

They gave me the wink
and the g*n.

Buck up, pal.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪