06x04 - Bourgie Sings the Blues

[bunniefuu]

[blender buzzing]

- What the heck is that?
- It's a fiber shake.

I've got an interview
tomorrow

with an old Princeton chum
of dad's.

I need to be strong.
I need to be alert.

And I need to be regular.

Ain't nothing in the world
gonna make you regular, man.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Oh, Geoffrey,
are my sandwiches ready yet?

Philip, for God's sake,
we're going to SeaWorld.

There's gonna be
food stands everywhere.

Oh, yeah that may be true,
Aunt Viv but there ain't

gonna be no food stand
in the Volvo.

You know, you better let that
man eat and give him some food

or he'll mess around and chew
one of your arms off in the car.

You know?

Carlton, I had a talk
with Frank Bradley

this morning from Princeton, uh?

You ready for your big interview
tomorrow?

Am I ever.

I've been enhancing
my resume all week.

I applied for a job
at the Dole headquarters.

And yesterday,
I went down to the rec
center

to become a Big Brother.

Now, why you go and do that?

You certainly ain't big,
and as far as being a brother..

[yelling]

Well, I've already planned
what I'm gonna wear.

I've got my argyles,
my wide-wale cords

and my lucky sweater.

[laughing]

Master Carlton,
about your sweater

we've had a dryer mishap.

[screaming]

Don't worry, Carlton,
it'll shrink.

Well, hey,
it's just a small setback.

I still have
the canary-yellow one.

I forgive you, Geoffrey.

[phone ringing]

Banks residence.
Oh, yes, certainly.

- For you, Master Carlton.
- Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Yes.

It's the rec center.

Uh-huh.

Alright.

What?

I can't be a Big Brother?

They didn't like me?

Well, you tell those little
brats I don't like them either.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life ♪

♪ Got flipped turned
upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became
the prince of a town ♪

♪ Called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In west Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said, you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that
this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

Will, this sweater will work

for my interview tomorrow,
right?

Uh, that depends, are you
going as Archie or Jug head?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Dole headquarters?

No, man,
we don't want no pineapples.

Give me that.

Carlton Banks here.

Huh?

What do you mean
I didn't get the job?

What budget problems?

But I was volunteering. Hello?

Oh, hey, hey, Carlton. Carlton.

Hey, hey, it's cool. Relax, man.
Everything's gonna be alright.

Hey, look here.

National Geographic, huh?

Special issue.
"The ladies of the Sudan."

You know what I'm saying,
huh?

How much more bad luck
can I have?

I mean, face it, Will.

Princeton will never accept me.

I've got nothing to offer.

Hey, hey, Carlton. Hold on.
Now, hold on.

You stop that. Now, come on.

You got plenty to offer,
man.
What are you talking about?

You-you got, you got the..

See what I'm saying?
I'm saying from-from before

you-you still got,
you still got..

- Give me a hand here.
- Ugh.

Uh, Carlton, Carlton.
Alright, alright.

Hey, hey, look, look,
I just saw it in here.

You got your grade card.

Yeah.

- Princeton is about academics.
- Yes, sir.

- And I am second to none.
- Ha! You got that right.

Mama, no!

[instrumental music]

Eh, hey, what's up, G?

Another Village People reunion?

As it is my weekend off,
I've decided

to head for
the Circle M Dude Ranch.

There's nothing like
the feel of an animal

beneath you
to recharge your battery.

[laughing]

I know what you're talking about
there, G.

No, I'm afraid you don't,
Master William.

But I do find it
rather endearing

when you think you do.

Have a nice weekend.

Oh, have fun at
theDude ranch.

Oh! Hey, Ashley? What's up?

That's right, 8 o'clock.

Sure, bring whoever you want.
Music? Are you kidding?

Of course, there's gonna be
wall-to-wall music.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

What do you think
you're doing, young lady?

My parents are away,
I have the house to myself.

- I'm having a party, duh.
- You..

The whole world's
having a party.

[instrumental music]

Hey. What's up, C?

Oh, dear mother of God.

This can't continue.

What's wrong, man?

Would you look?

Red, yellow, brown, green.

That's the way
I understood it to be.

But now, blue.

Has the world gone mad?

They're just M and M, C.

[instrumental music]

[humming]

♪ The blues ♪♪

Okay, that's enough of that.
Come on, man.

Now let's see that big
Carlton Banks smile, man.

Come on.

Will, I wanna be alone.

Hey, come on, I told Uncle Phil
I was gonna look out for you.

Hey, come on,
gotta get it together.

You got that big Princeton
interview tomorrow.

[knocking on door]

Oh, whoever it is,
tell them to go away.

[chuckling]
Aaah. Not so fast, man.
I got a little surprise for you.

Now, nothing makes a brother
who's feeling down feel better

than seeing somebody
who's in worse shape.

Huh?

I called up Stinky McGuire.

Yeah? Stinky's here?

Well, I haven't seen him
since high school.

Seeing him would cheer me up.

I mean, he was always
such a loser.

And he was even shorter than me.

- Well, bring him in.
- Alright.

Hey-hey, Carlton.

[screaming]

[honking]

Party, dude.
Come on, man. Come on.

Oh, we gonna have some fun, man.

We gonna get some strippers
or something.

And we gonna have a ball.
Come on, come on.

Will, I'm not in the mood
for this.

Oh.

You not in the mood
for this, huh?

Well, look here, too short..

...if you wanna
sit around and wallow

in the stench
of your own self-pity

then you go right ahead.

- Will, you don't understand.
- Oh, no, I understand.

You big baby.

[mimicking crying baby]

My sweater shrunk.
My grades are low.

My head is too small
for my body.

It is?

(Will)
'Oh, shut up, Carlton.'

Now, I'm gonna tell you
something.

I am not gonna sit around here

with your stank-robe-wearing

slipper-shuffling

resume-polishing

little-kids-don't-like-me blues.

Now, I'm about to go out
and I'm gonna get me

a 16-piece nugget dinner.

And when I get back, I wanna see
a new attitude, mister.

And for God's sakes,
clean yourself up.

[instrumental music]

[laughs]
Hey. Yo, Ash,
the cops are outside.

- What?
- No, no, I was just kidding.

I'm playing, I'm playing.

Will, what are you doing?

I gotta get a little
barbecue sauce.

Dude tried to play me
down there.

You know, they give you
the same amount

whether you get six or 16.

- Who is this?
- Oh, this is my cousin, Will.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey, hey.

Rrrrh! Watch it, girl.

Ah-ah.

You can look,
but don't touch, baby.

Will, get your sauce and nuggets
and get out.

Alright, alright.

Hey, hey, hey, look.

Make sure you stay
friends with that

one in the pink over there,
you know what I mean?

Couple more years of seasoning,
you know

put a little barbecue sauce
on her..

...let her marinate,
you know what I mean?

Oh, get out.
Get out right now, Will.

Ashley.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey. Uh, yeah, yes, sir.

Hold-hold on one second.

Carlton.

Carlton!

I-I, I'm sorry, can I,
can I take a message?

I'll have him call you
right back.

Oh. Oh, yes, yes sir.
Absolutely.

Alright.

Carlton, dude from Princeton
called. He had an emergency.

He has to do
the interview tonight.

Carlton!

Where the hell are you at?

(Carlton)
"Dear Will, you were right.

"I shouldn't be burdening
the family

"with my low-down, whiny-mouth,
sniveling

"M and M-eating,
feel-sorry-for-myself blues.

"P.S.

My head is too small
for my body."

[guitar music]

♪ Nobody loves me
but my mother ♪

♪ And she could be jivin' too ♪

♪ Now you know why
I act funny with you baby ♪

♪ When you do the things
you do ♪♪

I'm home.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

Ashley, Kyle has been here
for half an hour.

Are you gonna meet him or not?

Yeah. No.

Wait.

I thought this was
the whole point of this party.

Yeah, it is.
Just give me a second.

Okay. Like, one one-thousand.

- Kyle, come here.
- What are you doing?

What's up, Kee?

Ashley, this is Kyle.

Kyle, this is Ashley.

She's been dying to meet
you.

I've heard a lot about you,
Ashley.

Great party. This is nice.

- Really? You think so?
- Mm-hm.

Well, I have parties
all the time.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- And your parents don't mind?
- Mind? Ha!

They practically write out
the guest list.

Wow, I wish my parents
were that cool.

[Will whispering]
Ash.

[gibbering]

Ash.

I think that guy is calling you.

Don't worry, he's part
of the cleaning crew.

Oh.

Ash.

[mimics chimp]

You know, it's so hard
to find good help. Excuse me.

- What do you want?
- Ashley, Carlton ran away.

- Great.
- Wait, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, I'm being serious.

Now, I-I've been calling around.
I don't know where he is.

We gotta get in the car,
we gotta go find him.

No, Will, I'm having a party.

I'm carefree, understand?

Free of cares?

Quick. How's my hair?
How are my lips?

Do I look okay?

You look beautiful, Ashley.

Thanks. Now get out.

"How's my hair? How's my face?

How's my stuff
and my other stuff?"

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Ugh, yeah, yeah, thanks a lot.

Yeah, I'll be right down
to pick him up.

[guitar music]

Hey, how are you doing?
somebody called me about

picking up my cousin Carlton?

Yeah, we get a runaway
yuppie
down here every week.

He's over there at the bar
throwing back ginger ales.

Eddie,
it ain't gonna fill itself up.

Carlton. What are you doing?

- Will, how'd you find me?
- Never mind. We're going home.

Come on..

Hey, Carlton. Alright, look.

The alumni guy
from Princeton called.

He's coming tonight.

I can't do it, Will.

I just can't handle
another disappointment.

This is where I belong.

- Ain't that right, Tiny?
- Shut up.

Yeah, we're brothers
of a tortured soul.

We support each other.

Take Sach over there.

Better yet, take Pappy.

Well, he's been telling me
about riding the rails.

You hear that, Will?
Riding the rails.

I mean, I don't have a clue
what he's talking about

but darn if he doesn't make it
sound exciting.

Okay, I want you to get
into the car, okay?

Will, you couldn't possibly
understand.

I mean, how could you?

You've got everything.

Hey, you have the job,
you have the girls

and damn it,
you've got the height.

And you don't know the blues.

How could you?

Oh! Oh, I don't know the blues.

- Huh?
- That's right.

Oh, yeah, like, everything's
been perfect for me.

You know, like growing up
in the projects.

♪ Growing up in the projects ♪

You know,
and never having any money.

♪ And never had a dime ♪

N-never knowing whether
or not my father

was even gonna come home.

♪ He left and he
ain't come back yet ♪

Um, excuse me, Pappy,
why don't you take a nappy?

[high-pitch guitar tone]

Listen,
I am not about to stand here

and argue with you
about who has it worse.

Because the fact
of the matter is

neither one of us
has it that bad.

But this is your last chance
to get into Princeton.

If you wanna blow that,
you know what?

You go right ahead.

[guitar music]

[upbeat music]

Hey, what were you guys doing?

No one's allowed
in the bedrooms.

Hey, relax, Ash. We're just
taking a little tour.

[laughing]

Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Where you going?

I gotta get up tomorrow
and go to practice.

But the party was great.

- Thanks, I had fun.
- Oh, you had a good time? Good.

- I had a real good time.
- Cool.

Okay. Excuse me.

Ugh.

- Um, maybe I'll see you again?
- Yeah, we should hook up.

Oh, wait a minute, um,
I don't have your number.

Yeah.

We're gonna have to get you
some school supplies.

- Bye, Ashley. Alright.
- Bye.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not in this house.

Oh, get out.

And what do you think
you're doing?

I'm just having a smoke.

Not here you're not, idiot.

Could somebody turn down
the music?

Carlton, I really appreciate
your willingness

to change your schedule.

Well, changing is one of my
strong suits, Mr. Bradley.

And as you know,
your father and I

were classmates at Princeton.

He was quite the big man
on campus.

He's even bigger now. Ha-ha-ha.

- Yeah, well, aren't we all?
- Oh! Ha-ha-ha.

I was very impressed
with your application.

Particularly cogent
was your essay

on the fall of Eastern Europe.

Mm, well, if you like
Eastern Europe in the fall

you should see it in the spring,
it's beautiful.

Oh, you. Ha-ha-ha.

[both laughing]

Oh, you've got a
good sense of humor.

Obviously,
you got that from your dad.

Oh, y-you know my dad?

Well, yes, didn't I..

...didn't I just mention
that a moment ago?

Ah! Oh, yeah.
Of course, of course.

- A big man on campus.
- Right. Right. Ah.

I, I see here that you've worked
for a lot of charities.

Which one meant the most to you?

Um, the second one.

But this has all been about me,
Mr. Bradley. Me, me, me.

Look, Frank,
is there a Mrs. Bradley?

A couple of baby Bradleys?
Hey, have you seen "Braveheart?"

Look, friend,
we can talk about candy all day

but you ain't gonna convince me

that blue was a bad way to go.

By the way..

...I hear that whistle blowing.

I got a train to catch.

- Well, let's go.
- Hey, hold on there, Sparky.

Before you catch any train,
how about you telling me

what you're running away from?

Okay.

But this won't be pretty.

I must say, I was riveted

by your thesis
on regressive taxation.

How did you arrive at such a..

...scintillating hypothesis?

But I guess,
the signs were always there.

Oh, sure these chiseled good
looks and striking
personality

opened the doors
of opportunity quickly

but lately, they've been closing
even quicker.

Oh, heck, who am I kidding?

Look at me,
I'm not Princeton material.

Like the song says, Pappy

"You gotta know
when to fold them."

It's my time to fold.

Sounds like, to me,
you're giving up.

You're a smart man, Pappy.

Listen, Carlton, it's one thing
to throw in the hand

but it's another thing
to get up from the table

and quit the game.

You honestly believe

that Superman could b*at
the Flash in a foot race?

Oh, Mr. Bradley,
I'm glad you're still here.

- Carlton Banks.
- What?

That's poppycock.
I'm Carlton Banks.

No, Will,
your charade is not
necessary.

Now, if you'll excuse us,
Mr. Bradley and I need to talk.

I had a lot of these
legacies I interview

they've, they've got the grades,
the resume

but they're sheltered, you know?

Like...that milquetoast cousin
of yours.

But you really impressed me
tonight.

I'd be happy to sign a letter
of recommendation for you.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Will, thanks for covering
for me tonight.

Oh, no, no problem, man,
I'm just glad

you came back when you did,
you know.

I'm starting to get
a little too comfortable

in this stuff,
you know what I'm saying?

[indistinct chatter at distance]

Um..

Carlton, hold up.

[crickets chirping]

Mom and dad leave for the night

and you take advantage
like this?

And what about you, mister?

What kind of role model are you?

If it weren't for me,
the two of you

would have this family on the
way to hell in a handbasket.

And another thing, what..?

- He's back.
- He's back.

What do you mean, I'm back?
Of course, I'm back.

[chuckles]

I'm home.

[instrumental music]