06x05 - The Script Formerly Known As…

[bunniefuu]

Will, I'm ready.

You said you'd teach me

one of your basketball tricks.

Oh, well, you know, my moves are
kind of like top secret, Nick.

I mean, I could show you,
but then I'd have to k*ll you.

Okay.

Well, maybe I'll make
an exception

this one time, alright?

Alright. Come on.
D me up, d me up.

[yelping]

Alright, alright, check it out.
Check it out.

Now, this is called
the Will Smith

hoop dream, dunk on hakeem

down the lane,
house of pain pass.

'I assume you wasn't
ready for that one.'

You know back in Philly,
they used to call me

Will "The 747" Smith.

- Wanna know why?
- Why?

[crashes]

Because I'm about to jet.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

This weekend?
Oh, I'd love to, Thad

but I'm gonna lay low.

Oh, no, it's nothing serious,
just the flu.

Oh, that's so sweet.
Okay, bye.

Thad? I thought
you were dating Kyle.

I am. He's the flu.

- Go, girl.
- You see what I'm saying?

It sounds like it's raining men.

I hope y'all are taking notes.

Hey, hey, hey,
stop being all freaky.

Hi, Will.
What you doing?

Five to ten if you don't
take
your hands off me.

[laughing]

So, hey, Hill, what you think?

You did a pretty good show
today, huh?

Three words,
stink, stank, stunk.

It was the worst show
we have ever done.

We need better guests.

Wait, wait.
Don't be getting all mad at me.

I'm just the assistant
talent coordinator.

If I had some more
responsibility around

maybe we'd have some
better guests.

Okay, then get me someone great
for tomorrow's show.

And if it were my
responsibility, then I'd do it.

Okay, I'm telling you
to do it.

Alright, and if I thought you
meant it, then I'd get it done.

That's right, my baby can
definitely get it done.

Don't make me turn the hose on
you, alright?

Will, bottom line,
I need more stimulating guests.

I need someone
who can hold my attention

for more than three seconds.

Alright. Well,
how about we get--

I gotta go.

Hey. Uncle Phil,
what's going on, man?

[grumbling]

Would you like to buy a vowel?

[sighs]

You know, this trial is gonna be
the death of me.

We lost another juror today.

Oh, really? Hey, did you check
under your robe?

You know what? I can see
you're not in the mood

for that right now.
Here. Come on.

Right here. Right here.

So come on, man.
What happened?

Oh! He was writing a book.

The bailiff found him hiding
in the men's room

with his laptop.

You sure he wasn't just
downloading his floppy?

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

Shut up.
Can you hear me?

[instrumental music]

Hi, I'm Carlton Banks, and I
joined Great Introductions

to give you red-hot mamas

a chance to take a walk
on the wild side.

So climb on board.

[imitates train whistle]

Hm. A tad forward.

[speaking in foreign language]

I am tan, I am a tourist

and I'd love to give a lucky
mademoiselle like you

a chance to meet moi.

That felt close.

[laughing]

Do you guys mind?

What is your problem,
Pepe Le Puny?

Hardy har har.

And in a related story judge
Philip Banks

has dismissed yet another juror
in the show-biz madam case.

As cameras are not allowed in
his courtroom

'we have an artist's rendering
of his action.'

'Specific details
are not yet available'

'as to why the juror was
dismissed.'

Wait, I know that guy.

Of course you do.
That's my dad, you
half-life.

- Not him, the other dude.
- Oh, what, you knew him?

He's my barber.

That's the dude that cut that
Jack-o'-lantern

in your head last Halloween?

That's the guy.

It'd have been great if that
candle hadn't b*rned

the roof of my mouth.

Jazz, do you think
he'd do Hilary?

Why not?
She got a nice big head.

[instrumental music]

This place is so tiny.

I can't even imagine how small
the facial room must be.

Look, Hill, look, why don't you
come on over here and sit down?

Here you go.
Read this "Jet" magazine

and let me handle my business,
alright?

- Okay, you're next.
- Hey. Whoa, hey.

Now, you know I'm gonna have to
charge you extra

for working around these
ears.

[chuckles]

Well, no, hold up, my man.

Actually, I'm not here
to get a haircut.

Well, you in the wrong
place,
fool.

Well, no, a friend of mine sent
me. You know Jazz?

The idiot that put the
candle
in his mouth?

- Ha-ha!
- That's him.

Alright, now,
what can I do you for?

Well, see, actually,
my cousin and I--

Will, let me handle this.

Hi. As you probably already
know, I'm Hilary Banks.

Who?

Ha-ha! That's very funny.

I would be really honored if you
would be a guest on my show.

What is it with you people?

First, you got Geraldo
coming in here..

You know his head is as
empty

as Al Capone's vault,
then you had Montel.

I told Montel,
"Yeah, I'll do your show

when you grow some hair."

Now, listen, I'm gonna tell you
the same thing I told them.

I'm not interested
in doing tabloid television.

I have my dignity
and I have my self-respect.

- We got cash.
- You got George.

Oh!

[instrumental music]

Carlton, can I use your
car on Saturday?

No can do, Ashley.
I have a date.

[laughing]

You're kidding.
With who?

Well, I haven't worked
that part out yet.

But once this dating-service
thing kicks in

this hombre's dance card
is gonna be pretty full.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah, just yuk it up.

He who laughs last..
See, it's started already.

- Master Carlton--
- Not now, Geoffrey.

"You're in my thoughts.
Love, Thad."

Thad? That's a pretty
sexy-sounding name.

I'm thinking long legs.

No, these are for me
fromThad.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Please, for carnations and a
little baby's breath?

Nothing.

Hey. Hey, Carlton,
you will never guess

who we got on the show
for tomorrow.

So there's no sense of me
playing, is there?

Hey, hey, Uncle Phil,
about that juror you just--

I'm sorry, Will,
but I can't talk about it.

Oh, but daddy, the juror--

How many times do I have to
tell you kids

that I just can't talk about it?

Ugh!

Hey, Nicky, you will never guess
who we got..

How many times do I have to
tell you kids?

I just can't talk about it.

Ugh!

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, I'm here
to return this radio.

Back of the line.

Hey, aren't you Judge Banks?

Well, yes, I am.

Hey, everybody, it's Judge Banks
from the television.

Hey. You think that show-biz
madam did it or what, huh?

I'm sorry, but I can't
discuss the case.

Well, then I can't discuss your
radio. Back of the line.

[instrumental music]

Alright, George,
why don't you just relax

cool out a little bit?
Hilary will be out soon.

You know, how you feeling?
What are you a little
nervous?

Why should I be nervous?
I'm all liquored up.

[laughing]

[laughing]

You are hilarious, man.
Hey, have a seat. Have a
seat.

Ah, listen, you know, I just
wanna let you that, you know

any point during the show
you feel like you might wanna..

I don't know, toss my name
in,
"Will Smith"

you know, it's cool.

- Okay. Ready, George?
- Of course, I'm ready.

I've been waiting around
for an hour. Where's my
money?

Hey, look. Alright.
I'm gonna be right over here.

Remember, Will Smith.
Will Smith.

Alright, everybody,
have a great show.

Okay.

Now, just relax, be yourself

and remember to keep your
answers short.

The audience didn't come to hear
the guest babble

on and on.

In five, four, three, two..

[applause]

Hello and welcome to
Hilary.

We're very excited today
to have as our guest

recently dismissed juror
from the show-biz madam
trial

George Howlings.

[applause]

- Welcome.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.

Well, I guess what we're all
dying to know is

why you were dismissed.

You know, they told the press
I was writing a book

but that's not it.

Oh?

Tell us what it really was.

Well, they said I was crazy,
but I'm not crazy.

But you wanna know who is crazy?

Maybe I shouldn't
say this on TV.

Oh, come on, George.
Just between you and me..

Who was crazy?

That lard-butt of a judge.

That man is crazy as they come.

(George on TV)
'What does it take to become
a judge these days?'

Now, if you ask me,
that man was very incompetent.

Couldn't judge a beauty pageant.

About as useless as a no-mouthed
dog at a frisbee contest.

'If I ever see him, I'll lower
him like a cheap carpet.'

(George on TV)
And it looked to me, he dozed
off every now and then.

(Hilary on TV)
Uh, George..

(George)
Probably dreaming about that
bony-legged prosecutor.

I think they got something
going on.

Ain't that right, Will Smith?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hill. Hill. Hold up.
He's gonna k*ll us.

Will, it's not like
it was our fault.

We can't control
what someone says.

Daddy will understand that.

Well, I hope so.

And if not, I'll just blame
the whole thing on you.

Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Is he in there?

No, the coast is clear!

Hi, daddy.
You look so handsome.

Oh, not bad
for a lard butt, huh?

I guess there's no reason to ask

whether or not you saw
the show today.

Oh, I saw the show.

- We all saw the show.
- We all saw the show.

Wait, wait, hold up, Uncle Phil.

Now, before you get started

I just wanna let you know
that
finger pointing

isn't gonna get us nowhere.

And also that it's not
called
the Will Show.

Oh, please. You're the one
that introduced me to that nut.

Daddy, punish him.
He needs tough love.

That is enough.

I have never been so embarrassed
in my entire life.

And to think the two people
responsible

for it are my own family.

My own flesh and blood.

Um, technically, Uncle Phil

I'm not really your
flesh and blood.

See, my mom and Aunt Viv,
they..

I see where you going
with this though.

- Do you?
- Oh, yeah, I can see.

Pssh-pssh!

Then tell me, what is it?
Haven't I done enough for you?

Taking you into my home, huh?
Treated you with respect.

Maybe I did something to hurt
you, is that it?

No. Come on, Uncle Phil.
No. No, that's not it.

- Then why?
- I don't-I don't know.

And you..

...my own daughter.

My first-born.

[sighs]

I don't know if there's a Kn*fe
that could cut as deeply.

We tried to tell you yesterday.

That's your excuse?

You didn't have the sense to
know that that man

would be angry with me
for dismissing him?

You didn't have the common sense
to know that?

I don't have any common sense.

You two have profoundly hurt
and disappointed me.

Unc-uncle-uncle Ph..
Unc..

You should be ashamed of
yourselves.

Aunt-aunt-aunt, aunt..

- A-a, Ashley.
- You understand, don't you?

Nicky. Come on.. Ow, man!

Hill, you know what
you gonna say?

Don't worry, I'm just gonna
speak from the heart.

Hey, now just remember,
this is from both of us.

Don't be out there taking
all the credit.

- Have a good show.
- Here we go.

In five seconds,
four, three, two..

[applauding]

Hello and welcome to Hilary.

Today's show is a very special
tribute to fathers.

But before we get to our guests

I'd like to say something
special

about a very important man
in my life.

My father, Judge Philip Banks.

[applauding]

Yesterday, a dismissed juror
in the show-biz madam trial

came on the show and said some
really icky things about him.

My cousin Will and I were,
well, to say the least, shocked.

And now daddy won't
even talk to us.

(Will)
He won't say nothing.

(Hilary)
And we feel like strangers in
our own house.

Please, daddy, forgive us.
Please.

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

Ow!

And we don't know
what we supposed to do.

[instrumental music]

[knocking]

I'm sorry, no one answered
the front door.

I have a package for
a Carlton Banks.

That's me.

Oh, no, not another rejection.

Bad news?

I sent this to last chance
video dating.

You know,
"We guarantee you a date"

except if your name is
Carlton Banks.

Trust me. It doesn't work

if your name is
Michelle Williams either.

- You tried this?
- I tried them all.

Wow.

I wouldn't expect someone
like

you to have trouble
meeting people.

The only people I meet
are dogs and shut-ins.

Why can't it be easier?

I mean, why can't
you just open the door

and meet someone nice?

Well, bye.

Wait a minute.

Would you?

Uh.. Uh..

Like to go out Saturday night?

Yeah.

- Hey, I'm not..
- Coming on too strong?

Not at all.

Bye.

Sweet mother of God,
that's a firm handshake.

Trust me, if daddy saw the show
this afternoon

everything will be fine.

And if he didn't,
we'll show it to him.

Now, do you know how to work
one of these things?

What are you two doing?

[screaming]

Hey, man.

Did you see anything,
I don't know, good on TV today?

- No.
- So you didn't see the show?

Oh, I saw the show.

And now thanks to you, not only
am I an incompetent judge

but an unfit parent.

Tell me, what do you have
planned for tomorrow?

Perhaps snapshots of me
in the bathtub, huh?

Or a video of me chasing
stray dogs in my car.

Daddy, you don't do that,
do you?

You two are the most
irresponsible--

Alright, I've heard enough.

Now, I did see something good
on TV today.

I saw two people
begging for forgiveness

and feeling very badly for
hurting someone that they love.

Oh, please, Vivian.
Don't buy into the propaganda.

That's enough.

Now, what I wanna hear now
is an apology

and the acceptance
of the apology.

Go ahead.

- We sorry. We sorry, man.
- We're sorry.

- Man, we sorry. Man, we sorry.
- Really sorry, daddy.

Man, we, man..

Okay, now you.

I accept your apology.

Philip.

[sighs]

I accept your apology.

(Vivian)
'Okay.'

- Now hug. Come on.
- Ohh.

[grunts]

Hold up. Hold up.

[instrumental music]

This is the way it's supposed to
be. One big happy family.

Hey, look, Uncle Phil, man, I
just wanna say again how sorry--

Enough, enough said, Will.
Enough.

Let's just put it all behind us.
What's done is done.

I just wanna sit here
and watch a little TV.

(Leno on TV)
'Anybody see "The Hilary Show"
the other day?'

They had a dismissed juror
from the show-biz madam case

insulting judge Banks, who just
happens to be Hilary's father.

'Boy, here's a family
that really puts the "Fun"'

back in dysfunctional,
isn't it?

[audience laughing]

And speaking of Judge Banks,
we have a special

tribute to him tonight.

'Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome'

'The Dancing Phil's.'

[instrumental music]

- That's it! I've had enough!
- But, wait..

No, no. Just go.
Just go. Please.

- Ohh!
- 'Go!'

Wait, wait a minute. Now, you
wait one minute, Uncle Phil.

Now, I didn't
wanna have to do this..

...but you brought
this on yourself.

[instrumental music]

♪ And I am telling you ♪

♪ And I'm not going ♪

♪ Even though the rough times
are showing ♪

♪ There's just no way ♪

♪ There's no way ♪

♪ Tear down the mountains
yell scream and shout ♪

♪ You can say what you want
I'm not walking out ♪

♪ Stop all the rivers
push strike and k*ll ♪

♪ I'm not gonna leave you ♪

♪ There's no way ♪

♪ I will ♪

♪ And I am ♪

♪ Telling you ♪

♪ I'm not going ♪

♪ You're the best man
I'll ever know ♪

♪ There's no way I can ever
ever go ♪

♪ No no no no way ♪

♪ No no no no way
I'm living without you ♪

♪ Oh I'm not living without you
not living without you ♪

♪ I don't wanna be free ♪

♪ I'm staying ♪

♪ I'm staying ♪

♪ And you and you and you ♪

♪ You're gonna love me ♪

♪ You're gonna love me ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪